Tuesday, February 28, 2006

The Gift/Curse of Love

Why does love feel like a curse? I seem to notice a trend that when I come in contact with a man, espcially when we touch, they are able to sense an energy of love from me. I find that they want to love me back and return some of the love I have given them. They want to care for me and please me and see me smile. This makes me happy and I want to allow them to care for me, but I have to refrain. The more I give them the more they want and at some point I have to say no, as much as I would like to truly love and be loved. For one reason or another I know in my heart they are not the one for me. I am not allowed to just hand over the whole pie to them, instead I just cut out little slices and give them away. It hurts to have to deny them more and to deny myself their love. They also leave frustrated because they long to love me and be loved by me, too.

I hope that one day soon I will be able to hand over my whole heart to the right man. I do not enjoy breaking hearts. Perhaps I should lock myself away in a tower until my Prince comes along.

Tangled up in Blues


Paul was there to greet us at the airport. My heart fluttered when I saw him. Like a gentleman, he helped carry some of the things in my arms. He introduced himself to Guy. While we were waiting to pick up our luggage, Guy and Paul walked over to look at the roosters and chickens and the dog that had come off another plane.
I was feeling at ease finally, but I still had a dredded phone call to make to my parents to tell them that Guy and I wouldn't be coming home tonight.
We stopped in at the hotel via shuttel and met Liia. We all had a long ride ahead of us. We had to go down to San Jose to change out the rental car, then head up to Sacramento to drop off Guy.
When we got near Sacramento I called my friend to confirm that she could watch Guy for me. She wasn't home from work yet and wouldn't be until 8. I panicked a little, but worked it out that her parents were willing to watch him for me. We met up with them at a restaurant where they were having dinner. The father took Guy out to his truck to meet their dog. Guy made an instant friend. He hardly noticed that I was leaving. That was a relief to see that he was having a good time.
We stopped at I Love Teriyaki before we got back on the freeway for SF. I tried to get in touch with my parents, but I couldn't get through to the house line and my mother wasn't answering her cell phone, so I had no choice but to leave a message. They got the message late that night and left a message for me Saturday morning, as my cell phone batterie had died. They had a few questions for me, but they seemed to take it surprisingly well. They even wished me a good time.
We went straight to the dance at Broadway Studios from there. They were just finishing up the last lesson when we got there. Paul and I danced a couple times together then we started asking other people to dance. I did my usuall thing and asked some random people to dance. After a couple bad guesses I started paying attention to the better dancers on the floor to ask later. There were a few tango dancers there and I tried to fake it, but I know it wasn't impressive to step on their toes. Too bad we weren't all wearing name tags that said "Blues Dancer", "Tango Dancer", Tango and Blues Dancer".
I ran into a few people from Sacramento. Sid, who is responsible for peaking my interest and introducing me to Blues dancing, was there. I asked him to dance. It had been a long time and not much blues dancing in between the last time I danced with him, but I could tell I was already catching on more than before.
I also saw Darrek at the dance. He was teaching one or more of the workshops that weekend. I busted out with some tap dancing durring our dance together. He seemed to appreciate it.
I love the improvisations.
I would dance as many songs as I could find a decent or even an indecent partner to dance with. Actually, I reserved the indecency for when I was dancing with Paul.
That dance ended at around 1 am then followed with an after hours blues party in a dance studio near Market street. What an awakening that was to me. I was loving dancing with so many smooth dancers and learning each of their styles and leads.
One kid I asked to dance and he would improv. the whole thing. He pulled a move on me where my feet were off the ground and they made a circle in the air, I must have come down before he led me into the back dip to the floor in front of the croud behind me that oooed and aaaahed. I told him, "I didn't know I could dance like that." (which, it was more him than me.) He said he had never done that before. I was blown away. Later I saw him practicing some classic jazz type moves alone in front of the mirror. It was all making sense now.
At one point I found Paul sitting in a chair in the corner. I came over to see if he was ok. He shared with me that he came to the realization in the middle of the last dance that the two of us could never be together. It brought him to tears, so he decided to sit that dance out. I expressed my sympathy and that I share his sadness. He just needed a moment to work it through.
Later, I was about to dance with the jazz dancer again when Paul asked to cut in. He made some comment about paying him a dollar for me. I pretended to be insulted that I was only worth a dollar to him and started to walk off with the jazz dancer instead. Then Paul stepped in and they had a competition over me. We danced in a threesome for a bit, then the two of them went off together, only to race back to me. Paul and I finished the dance together. The dancing went on until after 4 am before they had to end.
At one point, we thought that Liia might stay some where else that night because she was felling a bit like a third wheel after the days events and having been drug around all afternoon running our errands. I guess she got over it because she came back to the room with us, which I am thankful for because that would have left Paul and I alone in the room together. That would have been bad, very, very bad.


I woke up at around noon on Saturday and found that I had four new voice mail messages. One from each of my parents, one from the Primary leader and one from X. X decided to tell me taht he had been pondering a few things and made the decision to go back to church and also that he would like to get back together with me! I could not deal with it at the time. I left him a message saying that I would call him when I get back in town. What next?
The three of us got ready and had breakfast at a little diner we came across.
We knew we wanted to go to China town next. Liia called up one of the local blues dancers to get some direction on where a good place to park would be. He met up with us near High street and gave us a walking tour of his neighborhood. We stopped at the Art Institute, and he pointed out some homes and views of interest for us. On our way to China Town, through Little Italy, we discovered that there was a Blues band setting up to play shortly at The Saloon. We decided to stop in again on our way back from China Town.
Liia and Brent stood in line at a pastery shop for 20 minutes to get a hot, fresh custard and Paul and I browsed a few of the shops where he got some pajamas for his daughter and I found a new blouse for myself and a set of action figures for Guy.
I figured I may need a bribe to get my son to come home with me after hearing that my friend's parents didn't want to give him up to my other friend who agreed to watch him on Saturday. They were all just having too good of a time together. It was a relief to know that he was doing so well.
We went into The Saloon to get a taste of some local Musical talent. Ron Hacker, I think was the name of the singer. When we came in he was reminiscing of the days when he played with the greats, like BB King and several others he named. They played some real dancable tunes that I danced with Paul to first. Then we switched partners and I danced with Brent. Paul and I danced to one last, extreemely long and some what fast song. That was some great music and dancing! What a random treat it was to stumble upon that while we were there for a blues workshop and with four blues dancers.
Our stomaches were telling us it was time to eat again so we went for some pizza by the slice near where we parked. It was some of the best pizza I have had in a long time, though I could barely eat half of the slice. Brent, the Lawyer/ballet dancer/rollerblader/blues&Lindy Dancer had plans to see a ballet with a professional dancer friend of his, so he had to cut out.
The three of us took a detour by the beach so Liia could stick her toes in the water.
We went back to the hotel before we started over to Berkeley for the after-workshop dance. After a short while they began a blues competition. They started with about 15 couples, then narrowed it down to about 8, with open dancing in between.
I made my rounds on the dance floor, especially to dance with any one that was not at either of the other two venues, plus some of the people I enjoyed dancing with that I recognized from Friday. I was wanting to dance with one of the other instructors who Liia mentioned that she liked dancing with. When I asked him to dance, he said,"What, are they letting 17 year olds in here now?" Ha, I said. "You are off by about ten years. I am only 7."
"Wait, how old are you?" he asked.
"No, I'm kidding, I'm 28."
He was a good dancer, but he let me do all the work. Mostly he would just hold me out away from him with both hands while I got all funky to the music. He was smiling, so I guess he was enjoying it. When it was over he said,"Very nice, and even old enough to dance."
"Pcha!" I don't look that young. Who does he think he is? I thought I was past that.
They had the finalists for the competition come back and dance a few more songs. There was some amazing dancing going on. They were all so very animated and they infused so many different styles and moves. They really played with the music, too.
I was wishing that I had a regular partner that I could feel comfortable with to try new stunts and dance with so expressively with. I feel like Paul and I have a good connection and I defenantly feel comfortable with him, but I also feel like I am still learning about Blues dancing, that he might feel limited in what we could do together. Not that I couldn't improve or have that with some one in time, but I was just dreaming.
I ran out of people I wanted to dance with, so I took a break on the bench. I got comfortable there enough that I fell asleep for the last half hour of the dance. I think I danced one last dance with Paul before they kicked us out at 4 am.


Paul and I had to leave by 10 am to drive over to Sacramento to pick up Guy. We had some good chats about raising kids, life after death, his visits with his granparents before they died, and why the two of us met.
When we got to my friend's parents' house, I found Guy lounging in the recliner in Richard's arms. He didn't even move when he saw me come in. They looked like old buddies lying there together. I had to convince him that we needed to go. He claimed that he didn't want to go on the plane ride, either. So, I told him I had a surprise for him in the car. He was pretty much extatic about the super heros. I think it broke Richard's heart to see him go, though.
My friend drove over to see us, but we couldn't stay long because we had to get back to catch our flight.
I was pretty quiet on the way back, just trying to put the pieces together from the last few months of conflicting answers and the wave of emotions.
Paul walked us through the airport and escorted us up to the Crown Room away from the hustle and bustle of the terminals. He has a way of making me feel so special. It might seem like a small guesture, but he is always so respectfull and considerate. He made it a wonderful weekend for me. I didn't know how to thank him for all that he had done for me. What he wanted, I couldn't give him, and he was even a good sport about that. I knew my time with him was short, so I just wanted to take him in for our time left. He had to leave to catch his flight from San Jose. We were allowed to continue waiting in the Crown room until boarding time drew closer.
Guy slept on the plane the whole way back. I even got a few winks, myself.

The Great Escape

I asked my parents if I could bribe them to watch Guy for me while I went away for the weekend with some guy from out of town that I have been out with only a couple times and they have not met or even seen a picture of and who is not a member and is going to pay for my flight so we can go dancing all night long in another state.

For some reason they didn't go for it. Paul had already bought my plane ticket. I was upset at first, and then I started thinking of ways I could sneak away. I could just leave Guy with them without them knowing and call them later and they would have to watch him. Then I had a better idea to have some one else watch him for me. I thought I would call on X to watch him since he owes me a life time of favors anyway. He had offerred before to watch him, but I wasn't comfortable with that yet, so now was a good opportunity.

I made arangements to meet with him at his place to talk over the possibility. I wanted to see where he lived and find out if Guy would be comfortable there. It was strange to be in his place and see things that I recognized. I felt easy, yet I remained concervative. Some of the emotions came flooding back to me. Mostly pleasant ones though.

He was willing to watch Guy for me for the weekend, but he just took on a new job that started a few days before I would be leaving. He suggested that maybe his girlfriend might be willing to watch him on the nights that he had to work. He would get back to me after he talked to her about it.

When it was time to go, Guy didn't want to leave. He was having a good time checking out all his funky knick knacks.

It turned out that he and his girlfriend broke up that same night. He found out that she had been planning on cheating on him if not already. She also accused him of still being in love with me. I asked him if there was any validity in that. He admitted that there was. Although he had not persued it, he realized that he was still in love with me and he longs for the good memories that we once had.

So, now here we are, both single and available again with no boyfriends or girlfriends to get jealous each time we met up. Not that there was anything to be jealous of. We had a good chat on the phone, but now I needed to find another sitter for Guy for the weekend. I could think of some friends in Cali that would watch him for me, but I didn't feel comfortable handing him over to any one I knew in Utah. So what does Paul do? He books a flight for Guy too! We figured we could drive to Sacramento to drop Guy off and head back to SF, then pick him up before we leave again.

I got busy and started calling around to my friends in Sacramento. I struck out a few times and I was getting kind of discouraged. I finally had it arranged where one friend would keep him Friday night through Saturday afternoon, and another friend would keep him Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon.

So, things were working out, allowing me to go. I had the primary Sharing time presentation all prepared for some one else to pick up and present for me (which I stayed up late finishing Thursday night. I didn't have a sub, but I brought the ward and primary list with me to make some calls.) I had the suitcases all packed and in the trunk, I had the day off of work, two plane tickets, my drivers licence (I made sure it was in my wallet as I was packing the night before), some friends in Sacramento to watch Guy for me, and one handsome, generous man to show me a good time in SF, oh yeah and a chaperone, too.

How did grandma and grandpa feel about all this? Well, they didn't know until Friday night when they got my voice mail telling them that we are in Sacramento and that we won't be coming home for a couple days. I was afraid to tell them I was still planning to go, for fear that they might take drastic measures to stop me, like take away my car keys or anything else they could think to do. So, I kept it a secret until we were already there.

I had a little bit of a break down in the airport parking lot when I made a double check on my license and I couldn't find it in my wallet. I panicked and started searching around when I looked again and found that I just put it in a different slot that I normally keep it. Phew!

My adrenaline had been rushing all that night and into the morning. I felt like I was back in High School again and sneaking out and feeling a little suspicious and paranoid. I could finally relax a little once we got on the plane.

I got some earphones so we could listen to some music. Blondie was playing and Guy and I shared the head set so we could rock out. Then I let Guy listen and I looked over later and he was playing air guitar, nodding his head and making the "Magnum" look on his face.

So Long, Farewell

Well, I finally put in my notice at my reception job so that I can start working from home doing the medical terminology. I was kind of draggin my feet about it because I really enjoyed working there and I know they liked having me there too. They were also short a morning receptionist, so I had been filling in for the mornings and the afternoons. This meant that they would have to hire two new receptionists to replace me.

I had to ask for Friday off to go to San Francisco and I wasn't sure if they would find some one before then or not. I found out on Thrusday that they did indeed find two people that they hired and that that was my last day working there.

I was told by a lot of people how much I would be missed. One person told me that I am the best receptionist *ever*. It felt good to be appreciated. Such a contrast to when I was working for eRepublic.

The CEO of the company even sent me an email saying this:

Thank you for the great job you did here. You are always friendly, helpful, and professional. I wish you the best in your future endeavors.

A Messy Fracture

Frank was continueing to call me at work. I very much disliked when he would call me there because I have not choice but to answer the phone. I don't have any one to screne my calls for me. He was still very hurt about our breaking up and he kept trying to get me to explain myself to him. I didn't like having to repeat myself when it was very difficult for me to explain in the first place. He would tell me that I couldn't hurt his feelings any more than I have, but truthfully I could have. I was very careful to let him down easy. I know he was fragile and I didn't want him to think that he had done something wrong, because he hadn't.

I tried to be patient with him and allowed him some time to come to terms with it all. When he would call me he would go around in circles while I would just sit there and listen to him and occasionally say, "OK, I don't know, maybe, I don't know, not right now..." And I am supposed to be chipper and answer the phone in between and deal with people walking through the lobby, etc. I would tell him I need to go, and he would ask for just another minute, and tell me something that I already knew or ask me something he knew I didn't know.

I really felt like hanging up on him a few times. One time we were disconnected and he assumed I had hung up, so he called me right back. Finally, he kept me on the phone for nearly 20 minutes while I was at some one else's desk. He was asking if we could could continue to date each other again. I had already told him that I didn't want to. It just seems strange to me when I go on a first date with some guy one night, then go out with my former fiance the other night. It would be too confusing to me and to the people that I date. I strongly believed that we needed a break. I finally had to get very stern about it on the phone with him.

He asked me to call him later that night but I did not. After not hearing from him for a week, I began to be a little concerned. I felt that I should call him to make sure he is ok. I also thought that I might stop by to install some software on his computer that I had been meaning to do prior to the break up.

I guess it was a bad idea to call him. It got all his hopes up again and he started running around in his circles again with me on the phone. I didn't have time to stop by and I stopped answering his phone calls to my cell. The next morning I had three VM messages and two emails. They went from, "It was great to hear from you again, I know you still care, I'm sorry for what I said...to.... I need some closure and I would really like to have my ring back from you, you are not all that anyway and you are selfish and you don't really care."

Before I could even read the emails he was calling me at work again. Three times he called me! I told him that I could not bring the ring to him tonight because I have plans and that the ring itself does not make it over. He wanted to give the ring to the teen age girl from the Sudan so her family could pawn it. He realized later that he was just asking for it out of spite and to hurt me. The last few times he called were to apologize for what he had said and told me that I can keep the ring.

I told him not to call me for a week. In a week we will check in with eachother and see if anything has changed. He seemed to be satisfied with that and I have not heard from him since. Aparently he has removed my number from his phone.

He was looking forward to dating this other girl that contacted him about the same time I did initially from the dating site. I hope things go well with them.

The Forbidden Pool

Paul and I began chatting online while we were at work. We would tease each other and share about ourselves and talk about our dreams and goals. It seemed that our goals were merging to the same. We wanted to be with each other.

We shared our religious beliefs and he mentioned that he downloaded the Book of Mormon. I was surprised yet again. I think this gave me false hope of him being interested in the church. He just wanted to know for his own curiosity, but with no intention of truly finding out if it might be true. I realized that his satisfied with his belief system and has no intention of changing. I could not dare to ask him to either. I cannot make that decision for another person.

I realized all this in the midst of making plans with him to go to San Francisco for the Tangoed up in Blues Workshop happening the following weekend. How could I say no to that? or to him? I ask you.

I was also realizing that he is every thing I could want in a companion/husband/father......if only he were Mormon! Besides that minor detail, he has come closer than any one else I have met.

He rerouted one of his flights for work with a layover in Salt Lake one Sunday afternoon. He had to beg them to put him on the waiting list because it was a full flight. He was able to get on the last seat on the plane.

I met him in SL and we went to dinner at the Olive Garden. They were playing some old time jazz and swing over the speakers. Just after our dinner came, "I get a kick out of You" came on. We both had the urge to dance to it, so we did. We stood up out of our chairs and danced right there in the restaurant through the whole song.

We had some time before he had to get back to the airport, but not enought to actually *do* anything, so we sat in the park and wait lot of the airport and did some smooching to fog up the windows so the cars next to us coudn't see in. It was like a drive in movie, although there was no movie playing, we wouldn't have watched it anyway.

I dropped him of at the terminal and I headed back to PG when I got a call from him telling me that his flight had been delayed for two more hours. I turned around and drove back to see him for a while longer.

I was hard enough to say good bye the last time, now we would have to say it all over again. We found a place a little more private. Did I mention that he gives the best massages?

We tried to think about where our relationship will go from here. I told him that if we got married I would always be wishing and hoping that he would join the church, and I don't want to live that way or put that pressure on him, although with that aside I think we would be very happy together. I imagined myself at the edge of a pool on a summer day with a strong desire to just JUMP in and be surrounded by the refreshing water. But an invisible force keeps me on the edge.

He was amazed at himslef at how quickly he has fallen for me. He wondered if it was the same for me and if I have ever fallen so fast before. I told him that yes, I probably have fallen this quickly before and it's because I have a lot of love to give, and no one to give it all to, so I fall in and out of love quickly and easily.

It was time once again for me to drop him off. As he was getting out of the car, he stopped my breath when he told me that he loves me. He said he does not fall in love so easily, but he has with me. I found it a little harder to admit that I love him too, but I confessed to him that I do, too. Then I cried on the way home wondering what I have done and what I am to do.

The Emerging Valentine

Paul gave me a call at work on Valentine's day too. He had just enough time to drive down to my neighborhood before he had to drive back to Salt Lake again to catch his flight. He wanted to see me again before he left.

I was surprised that he would take the time to do that just to see me for 25 minutes. I hurried off work to meet up with him. We met in a parking lot and just soaked up each other's affection. It was light and easy. It was strange to see him in the sun light and I noticed features about him that were hidden in the dim lights of the night before. I wanted to just look at him and learn about him.

He invited me to come to Austin to visit him there. I liked the idea, but I was unsure of how it could possibly work with Guy and my parents, etc. He offered to pay for my flight with his frequent flyer miles. I was again surprised at his generous offer and I knew I could never make it if I had to afford the flight myself. I tried not to get too settled on the idea, yet it sounded so tempting.

We didn't talk about much, it was almost like we were sunbathing under one another's gaze. The time was short because he had to catch a flight and I needed to pick up Guy. I went my way and he went his. I could feel myself starting to fall for him. I knew I liked him, but I was still holding back knowing that being with him would have eternal consequences. It still didn't stop my heart from aching for him.

The One Sided Valentine

Valentine's Day has never produced any memories of romance for me. It doesn't seem to be a good time of year for love for me. I think the topper was a few years ago when I broke up with my X on that very day.

This year, I called off my engagement just a week prior to V Day. So, naturally I did not have any great expectations for this Valentine's day either. I guess Frank had some thing else in mind though. He was still not ready to let go. He was still fighting for me love and trying to win me back. He knew that it wouldn't be that day or next week or even next month that I would be ready, but he still had hopes for the not too distant future.

At work people's sweet hearts were coming in and out carying a balloon and a card or getting roses sent to them or going out to lunch with their honey bunns. Well Frank called me up to tell me that he is coming by because he has something for me for Valentine's Day. Later in the afternoon he shows up at my work with 8 red, heart foil 'I Love You' balloons, a dozen white, pink and red roses, and a bag full of goodies at the end of the balloons. In the bag was a card, (In Spanish, mind you because they were all out of English ones). On top was a mini strawberry cheese cake, (that I ate half of at work). Under that were several jewlery boxes. The first had a long string turquise necklace. Another box had a matching turquise bracelet. Then another opal bracelet. And the last box had a pink CTR ring that happens to fit my ring finger.

It was all much too much. I didn't feel comfortable accepting all of it, but I didn't want to be rude. He was smoothering me and telling me how he wants to marry me some day and going on, and trying to kiss me, but I held back a little. He said he knows he can't buy my love.....but...he sure was trying.

After he left I got all kinds of Oooohhs and Aaahhs from those that walked by my desk. "Wow, is all that for you?, oh my gosh and those too?!" I just sat there emberrased and wanted to hide. To some I had to explain that, yes we really did break up and no I'm not leading him on.

Uh huh..

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The Queen of Blues

I checked in with the Swing Forum after I broke up with Frank to become reaquainted with the current swing venues. There was a post from an out of towner looking for a place to dance while he was in town for one night. He suggested either swing or Blues. I took some time to look into what the city had to offer that night. It was the 13th of February that he would be in town, the night before Valentine's Day and it seemed that most of the clubs were saving themsleves for the next night, but I did manage to find a regular blues band that plays on Mondays at the Zanzibar. I had never heard of the band, nor had I been to the club so I really didn't know what it had to offer, but I threw it out there to see if he or anyone else was interested.

So, he takes me up on the suggestion and it turned out that we were the only ones up for it. It became a date between the two of us and he even offered to take me out ot dinner before. I didn't know whether or not he was a Mormon and expected that he wasn't. It didn't concern me because he would only be here for one night and he lives in freakin' Austin, Texas and we were just two people who wanted to go dancing.

He is a Vegetarian, so he asked about a vegetarian restaurant. I found several restaurants online, but finding one that was open on a monday after 6pm was the challenge. There were a few to choose from, but the first one we met at had changed names and was closed, so I hopped in his car (while I was getting my purse from my car, I realized that I didn't have my drivers license with me. I had pulled my old stunt again and left it in my coat pocket from the dance the previous weekend) and we searched for the next one on my list, only to discover that it too had closed already. Then it occured to me that the Olive Garden would be open and I know they have vegetarian dishes.

We both had the eggplant parmegane. We talked about religion, and how we got into dancing. I told him I was kind of new to Blues dancing. I took one very basic lesson last summer and I got a taste of it from some of the guys that I knew how to dance it, but I let him know partly as a warning because I really didn't know what level I was at, so I didn't want him to be disappointed.

After dinner he was cool enought to drive down to my house so I could get my ID so we can go dancing as planned. In the car we discussed ex-spouces and shared some crazy things we have done. The time I went skinny dipping is what I usually think of first.

We found Zanzibar quite easily. I was this little whole in the wall with a tiny stage and dance floor and some table and chairs set up in front of the bar. There were a handfull of people there diggin the band, none of which were dancing though. We sat through the rest of the song that was playing then he ( I give him the name Paul, after an old crush I had in college the he reminds me of), Paul asked if I wanted to dance.

I was immediately comfortable with dancing with him, which is important in Blues because the dancing is done so closely. He is a very smooth and easy lead. I loved how he payed such close attention to the changes in the music and lead accordingly. The band and the audience seemed to enjoy watching us. We only had two songs before the band took a break. When we sat down after the second song he sarcastically (60/40) asked me,"Will you marry me?" We both chuckled. I guess I was doing ok out there. I told him I wasn't sure how I would do because it had been a while and didn't have much experience at it. He assured me that he would dance Blues with me any time. He brought up the point that if we were to tell the other people there watching us dance that we had never danced together before or even met before tonight that they wouldn't believe us.

While sitting together he asked what I want to be when I grow up life goals, like my owning a costume shop. He shared some stories of when he worked in the wardrope department at his High School. He even admitted that he can sew!..and that he has been mistaken for being gay, but he assured me that he isn't.

He felt the impulse to give me a neck massage and I wasn't about to refuse. He is so gentle and acurate about the massage that I was melting like butter. Now I was really loosened up for dancing again when the band came back to play.

We were falling in love on the dance floor and in front of an audience. We sat one out for the guest singer. There was a magnetic pull between the tops of our heads as we sat together closely. Then the pull rotated to our faces and settled on our lips. It seemed natural that we should kiss and we did. It was a little reserved because of the setting, so it left me wanting for more. We had a few more fabulous dances before we left.

He drove me back to my car. We lingered to enjoyed each other's company and affection for a while longer, durring which time I tried to explain to him why 'we' could never be because I want to marry some one in the temple so that it will last forever, but I think all he heard was, "I can't marry you because you are not Mormon."

(By the title I am not implying that I am the queen of blues dancers, but the queen of having the blues over always having to break up with my dates.)

Thursday, February 16, 2006

BYU Swing Dance

Saturday night, I went to the BYU Swing dance. I was invited several other places, including the performance of Lame O's friend (who was not a Lame'O) from Detroit at Borders. I needed some swing dancing.

It was strange to be in that ballroom again. I think the last time I had been there was with X and he pulled some crazy karate move on me or something that either hurt me or made me look like a fool. I got upset and left the floor in the middle of the dance. We left immediatly after that.

I found some babyfaced kid to dance with and as we were walking onto the dance floor, I heard someone calling my name. It was some one from my old Ward in Citrus Heights. He and his sister were at the dance. After the song was over we caught eachother up on where our lives and our families are at now. They knew about my divorce, not sure how, but I suppose news like that travels fast. Sweet kids.

OK, so in all the kids there are still 5 years younger than me, except for the one non-mormon BYU coach that I already fell for and dusted my feet of. I had a good time anyway. They are in such their own little click. They rarely go outside their comfort zone to ask a girl to dance. I noticed though, that the guys rarely have to ask a girl to dance because the girls all race to get to the guy they want to dance with before another girl does.

Overall, it was pretty good. I did more asking and sitting on the stage than I would have liked to, but I'm glad I went, even if I did give up three other invitations for dates. Phewy.

I like swing at the MAC better. There are some other places to go. We'll see how they compare.

My First Night Out After Being Ungaged

I promised myself that I would Dance or Die!, the weekend after I broke it off with Frank. This kid I met from an online service, called me up to invite me to a dance happening at Trolly Square. On my way there I realized as I listened to the ad on the radio that it was an LDS Promise dance. I wasn't sure just how promising it would be.

I wore my tight little jeans with the pink kitty on the rear, a pink shirt and my white rabbit fur coat that I bought recently at a thrift store. I was considering selling it on ebay because it's a little small, but I think I changed my mind. The dance turned out to be not so bad. I think my coat got me noticed. I danced with four different guys and gave out my number to two of them. Both wanted to take me out salsa dancing. One of them owns a used car lot. He has some sweet rides of his own. The one guy that actually caught my eye, left before I got to meet him. I saw him watching me dance but I think he was turned off by what he may have thought was competition.

I danced the last fast dance with the kid that invited me. He is a R&B musician from England. He used to be a professional dancer, but he suffers from Arthritis now. He asked me for a ride home. We took a detour by way of Dee's. The guy is 40 years old, does not have a car, and works temp jobs. I paid for his steak dinner. He acted hungry, but admitted he did not have the cash, so I told him to order whatever he wanted. He promised to make it up to me and take me out to dinner another time. ie: I can drive up to Salt Lake and pick him up in my car so we can go out to dinner at Arctic Circle so he can buy me a burger. I just had hot chocolate.

No, you can bet I won't be going out with him anymore. I wonder if he would give me the number to his friend who just moved to PG from Denver, that I met at the dance?

The Wrestling no Match

I signed back up on the LDS dating web site. There are so ver many more people on there. They must get 100 new people a day. I was innondated with smiles and cards, emails and pm's within the first few days. It was difficult to respond to all of them, so I choose not to respond to some, others got a thanks, but no thanks. Then there were a few older men that seemed like possiblities, they hit me up for a night out of dancing.

The first date I made was with this student from UVSC. I was hesitant when I found out that it was my pictures with my arms raised and centered on my chest that got his attention. And here I thought it was because of all the charming things I said in my profile, that they would want me for my personality.? Huh, I guess I was giving men too much credit.

So, Skippy got very creative on where we should go for our date. It was agreed that it needed to be in public place so that he would not be tempted to find out what was under that yellow sweater. Of all places, he took me to Highschool Wrestling! I busted out laughing when he told me where we were going. I thought he was kidding. No, he wasn't. The McKay Center was having a HS Wrestling championship for three days. We stayed for maybe 40 minutes, about 40 minutes longer than I cared to stay. I pretended to be interested. I didn't have a clue about the rules, so he was filling me in.

We stopped in at Krispy Kream to have some hot chocolate and a donut after. I got the impression that he was ready to call it a night, then he asked about what happened with my ex-husband and I tried to make the very long story brief. We talked about live music for a while.

Then he said what I was thinking, "Well, it's almost 10:00, shall we call it a night?"

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

What's behind Door #46?

I need to write in the present for a while, because it is what is happening in my life right now that I long to express.

Friday night, January 27th after dropping (ok, I am now referring to Frankenstein as Frank to save me a few letters to type) Frank off at his brother's house, I got the impression that I needed to go to the Temple. I had good intentions to, several times, but I felt an urgency about it this time. The following Thrusday I was able to make arangements with my mother for her to watch Guy for me while I went.

I was seeking an answer regarding whether or not I should marry Frank. I still could not feel 100% sure about it. While in the temple, I imagined Frank there going through for the first time. It was a challenge to picture him being very serious about it all. I expected to look over and see him looking at me wonering what in the world was going on. All through the session I was still feeling ok about it. When I went into the Celestial room, I blocked out all the people standing around, crouding the room. I prayed for some kind of inspiration regarding Frank.

I heard the Lord speak to me in my mind. He told me that if I married Frank, that I would be okay~. Then he posed the question to me, "but what if I had some one else in mind for you?" Then the face of one of the elders that served on my mission came to my mind.

I have not kept in touch with any of the elders from my mission. I did see him at the quaint mission Christmas party, but we did not say much to eachother. I was already engaged to Frank at the time.

I adore him and I know there has been more than one sister missionary that would have liked to marry him. He has a wonderful singing voice and a great smile, and I know he is very nice. I was watching him play with my old companion's kids that were there at the party. They were loving it.

I knew that if I were to persue this, whether it would be this elder or not, I realized that I needed to break up with Frank to allow me to explore my other options.

My other assignment from the Lord, in the Celestial room was to call this missionary companion of mine with the kids, who happened to marry an elder from our mission and I believe he and this other elder keep in touch. Perhaps the word will get passed along to him that I am available again.

I guess it's up to him now.

In the mean time, I have been thrown back to the wolves and I am dating again.

Christmas Adventure

For Christmas, Frankenstein and Guy and I visited with this family that moved into Frankenstein's apartment complex from Sudan. They are refugees. We brought them clothes and toys. Guy did very well with sharing his old toys with them.

Then Guy wanted to go on a train ride, so we took TRAX up to Temple Square to see the lights. When we got off trax, there was a street performer getting ready to put on a show. He juggled flaming batons, tossed a bowling ball with his foot and caught it on his head... etc.

We wandered around the square quickly, then headed back because it was too cold for Guy to be out very long.

Then we came back to my parent's house and we all opened our gifts for eachother.

My major gift from Frankenstein was a digital camera. As you can see, it doesn't take the most high quality pictures. I think I have learned how to use it a bit better since the first pictures I took, but it can only do so much. I picked it out from ebay. I think Frankenstein thought I was ripped off, but I like that it is so small and light it even fits in my purse or pocket, so that it is not such a burden to take with me wherever I might want a camera with me without having to feel like I need a press pass.

Friday, February 10, 2006


I happened to see in Guy's throat one day when he was laughing. I wondered if I was looking down the throat of a cartoon character, the way his tonsills were enlarged and dangling in the back of his mouth. They were each the size of a large grape. I wondered how he had been eating and why he hadn't complained of a sore throat.

I took him into the Dr. thinking he may have been exposed to Strep Throat, which Frankenstein was just getting over. The quick test in the office was negative. His cold symptoms cleared up, so I figured he was over whatever it was, but when looking at them again a week later, they were still just as enormous. I took him in again to have them do the test that goes to the lab, the culture. It also came up negative.

I suggested to his Dr. that he might need a tonsillectomy. He proceeded to give me this lecture about how several years ago they would take a child's tonsills out more readily, but in children his age, it's normal for their tonsills to swell, especially when they are fighting a virus. Then when they turn, about 10 they tend to shrink back to a normal size. This was before he looked in his throat again. He realized immediately that needed to come out, so he referred me to an Oncologyst.

I got the same lecture from the Oncologyst before he looked in his mouth. He asked me if he is experiencing sleep apnea or if he compains of a sore throat, or if he has any trouble eating. Guy did not indicate to me that he was experiencing any of these symptoms, so the Oncologyst was surprised when he looked in his throat and saw the size of his tonsills. He said they use a scale of 1 to 4 and 4 is touching, but Guy's were actually pressing against eachother.

It didn't take any more convincing for him to realize that they needed to come out. He said that Guy has probably only been getting 60-70% of the sleeps that he needs. He said his body is working hard just get enough air while he is sleeping that he can't really relax and go into the deep sleep as in the REM state.

By the time he was done I half expected to have a new child after the surgery was over. He would get more rest, which would mean he wouldn't be as irritable, he wouldn't be constantly sick and irritable.

December 14th, we went early in the morning to the surgery clinic. Guy was so very brave when he had to leave with the nurse. He didn't even cry. He wasn't too happy when he woke up from the anestesia. After resting for an hour he woke up with a bunch of energy. He even thought he wanted to eat some of the nachos we brought home for lunch. After a few minutes at the table, he just slithered down from his chair and put himself to bed with his Blue Bear that he got for being so brave.

He recovered fairly quickly. In plenty of time to enjoy Christmas.

California Drivers...

I finally got my Utah driver's license. Just in time to get a speeding ticket a few hours later!

Who is Mr. Right?

November 15: I'm really not sure how this is all going to play out with [Frankenstein] and I. There was a period where I debated whether I should break up with him and move on. I have dated many, many guys, but there is always something from the basic requirements that they lack. Those requirements are: over 27 years old, LDS and active * bonus if they have a recommend or are an RM, out of college, have a decent steady job, speak English, physically fit, moderately good looking, with a personality, mentally ready for marriage, who'll treat me nice and not take advantage of me, gets along well with my son, can handle becoming an instant father, and who doesn't already have two or more children of his own that he has to pay child support for. Not to mention that there needs to be some attraction and similar interests. I used to hope that he would even be a swing dancer. I hate to say that I am settling. I suppose I could continue dating for the next 10 years and settle when Guy is 13 and I am too old to have any more children so I become a second mother to my new husbands teenagers. I guess I have given up in my search for Mr. Right. So for one to say that I could have any man doesn't mean much to me. Unless I just don't know where to meet them.

A recommend is now a requirement, not just a bonus.

Civil or Celestial?

November 14: I guess there's really no reason why we couldn't be engaged before everything else happens. As wonderful as [Frankenstein] is, I just don't want to give my parents a heart attack, when I announce to them that I am going to marry a man who doesn't have a job or a car or a home or a temple recommend. Can you imagine? I mean I have to live with them, too (for a while longer). Yes, it did turn out to be a blessing that I was never sealed to my last husband. The civil divorce alone took over a year, partly because I lost contact with him a couple times because he was couch surfing and homeless after I left him. His first wife waited that long for him to write the letter that is required by the temple, explaining why they divorced. It was necessary in order to cancel the sealing so she could be remarried.

A New Member of the Family

November 5: Guy and I went to Petsmart and got him a new pet. When he picked out a fire belly toad for his friend's birthday, I promised Guy he could have one too. But he decided he wanted a mouse instead. So we set him up with a new cage and all the fixin's. Her name is Ebony because she is all black. My brother's cat sure likes her!

Little did we know that we should have named her Houdini. In a week, we discovered that she managed to squeeze her way out of the cage. I spotted her one morning on my way to work, but she darted into some clothes that I looked through, but I could not find her again. Two days later I put on my coat and I was alarmed when I felt something moving inside the sleeve. I ripped the coat off, after I let out a little yelp. I felt around the coat to find her, but I could not feel her when I set the coat on the floor and ran my hands over it. I put the coat on again, thinking it was either my imagination or that she had escaped from the coat already. Then again I felt her crawling in the lining of my coat. I managed to trap her and put her back in her cage.

I put more wire around and through the wider spaces in her cage, but it didn't keep her from getting out the very same night. The cat discovered her in the pantry. I was able to corner her and put her back in her cage, after putting more extra wire on it.

This mouse got out yet again. And she stayed out for several weeks until we started moving to the new house. We had all written her off, but there she was all along in Aaron and Kari's pantry, scarfing down the beans and peas.

She had become so fat this time, that she can no longer fit through her cage!


October 31: Robbie and Guy and I went trick or treating through the Sandy Mall, then through the neighborhood. We had a good time. Guy got scared by the Dragon's lair in our neighbor's garage. They go all out for Halloween. There were lit up ghosts flying around the houses in the court with a wire cable.

Guy wanted to be Superman Guy for Halloween, so I stayed up late making a costume for him. I made an S out of yellow felt and red velveteen and sewed it to a blue sweatshirt, then attached a red satin cape at the collar. Then I made the cutest little red velveteen shorts, but I managed to forget to put a zipper in them so they were a little tight going on, but I just knew they would fit once they got over his hiney. He refused to wear them and the spats. *Sigh..*

No, I don't have any pictures of that either! My sister in law took several, but I still have not layed eyes on them, even after much asking.

I dressed as a flapper girl for work and wore my mink stoll with my brown, mini-polka-dot, crepe, hankerchief hem dress, brown fish-nets and finger waves in my hair.

What Did You Say The Answer Was?

October 4: My man and I are doing great. My bishop asked me to see him last Sunday. He is so concerned for me that he prays for me each morning and night. He told me how the Lord was speaking to him at the Ward activity earlier in the week, telling him that I need to be married. He wanted to find out what has been happening in my life and if there was anything he could do to help me find a husband. I told him about [Frankenstein] and I told him that I still go back and forth about whether he is right for me or not. My Bishop gave me a blessing that I would receive an answer within a week that I may know what is right for me. I went home that night and made a wish list of the things that I want in a husband and compared [Frankenstein] to that list. He scored about 80%. Then I prayed for an answer. The answer was "Yes, Yes, Yes, one thousand times, YES". About the same time I was praying, Robbie was being arrested! Is that ironic or what?

I should explain that Frankenstein was in Arizona for about 10 days, working on a job for his friend installing shelving for a new store. After I studied and prayed and got my answer and read the scriptures, I got a call from Frankenstein. He was out with his friend and on his way back to the hotel he called me from a pay phone and said he would call me when he got back to his room. I never heard back from him.

His friend became worried because he did not come home that night, nor did he show up for work on Monday, so he reported him missing on Tuesday Morning. We learned, rather quickly that he was in jail. I finally hear from Frankenstein later that a fternoon. He tells me how he decided to have one last night of "sin" or what ever, so he had a few drinks. After he got off the phone with me, he had an accident on his bike. The police arrested him for obstructing traffic because his bicycle was in the road. They kept him in jail for two nights until noon on Tuesday, after they could have a court hearing.

In my prayer asking for an answer, I confessed that I have a hard time trusting myself or the Spirit. I let him know that I would need a solid answer, one that could not be misread or mistaken. I also asked for greater faith, that I may not doubt or question whatever answer I may receive.

I still do not understand how I could have received such a strong positive answer about him at the very moment that he is off having some drinks in a bar.

Before I even knew this and I only knew that he was missing, I was ready to write him off and I got back online looking for some one else to go out with.

When I finally spoke to him on Tuesday, he was so very sorry and appologetic, that I had compassion on him and decided to forgive him. He gained a new sense of commitment and wanted to become engaged. I began looking for green diamond rings on ebay, and I had one ordered by the time he got back.

A Milestone in Potty Training

September 12: So, Guy got his candy bar Saturday night. He was also dry on Friday and Saturday! That makes three days of having dry pants! Which was part of another bargain that we made about a month ago. I promised him this book that he wanted if he could have three dry days. I need to get that for him today. I think he may actually be trained! He even goes in public rest rooms, too. I think [Frankenstein] has helped him with this a lot. He even went potty two times with Grandpa at the store on Saturday. It is such a miracle and a blessing!

Monday, February 06, 2006


The following entries summarize the last few months of my life. The portion in blue was extracted from emails that were exchanged with the morning receptionist that I fill in for in the afternoon.

I'm back

I'm back to blogging. I haven't written any new entries for a few months. Mostly since I started dating Frankenstein. I think part of the reason was because I was able to share my feeling with him and didn't feel the need to express them on here. Another reason was because there were some feelings that I did not want to share with him, and I knew that he read my blogs, so I have been keeping them locked up inside. I thought about starting a new blog, but it just seemed disconnected. Now I am ready to get them out and let them go.