Monday, March 20, 2006

Got the In-Love-With-A-Non-Member Blues

By Saturday I found myself going mad again. I wasn't any closer to getting to go to Sacramento and I was back to debating whether or not I should continue to pursue Paul.
Guy was sick all day and I put on a good act as if I was sick too. I spent most of the day in bed or on the couch or at the computer. It was pretty much a waste of a day, which isn't too unusuall lately.
While chatting with Paul, he offered to fly me out to Sacramento, but he also made it understood that he would expect me to stay with him and that we would not have a chaperone this time. The idea of it made me see stars and gasp for air. I would enjoy it, to be sure, but I could not come home to life as I know it, which on the other hand isn't that great either. On the other hand it's all I've got.
I tried to explain to him the repercussions if I accepted his offer. I knew I could not. I also came to the realization again that regardless of all my plotting and scheming, it simply would not work out with Paul and I. We decided that we should not talk or chat any more. Both our hearts were breaking as we said adeu. This lead to more lethargicness on my part and more laying around the house and more eating of chocolate ice cream.

Later that evening, all that napping and ice cream gave me a new found energy and I decided to go to the BYU swing dance. My dad shook his head as he recalled all the many times that I have stayed home from work or school all day being sick, then gone out dancing later that night, only to be more sick the next day.
The BYU dance was short, but sweet. Short because I rarely leave the house to go dancing before 10pm and their dances end at 11:30. I met a few new people from Provo and had some great dances. They were playing a lot of Blues that night because they had a blues lesson earlier, in an effort to prepare the croud that is attending the Sacramento exchange. I wished I could have danced some of the blues songs, but I had a streak of wallflowering when they were being played.
The last three dances made up for the time sitting on the stage. They were full of energy and creativity, thanks to Matt, Eric and Seth, who lifted me about 3 times and kept me spinning at least 10 times in a row. Unlike most girls, I enjoy spinning. Sure I'm a little dizzy after, but spotting helps and weee, it's fun!

The Red Rock Hot Club

Friday night, I treated myself to some hot jazz, compliments of the Red Rock Hot Club that played at Zanzibar on St. Patrick's day. I heard about it from the swing forum. There was a small group of kids planning to go, I would have gone regardless of who was going. I was just excited to get some culture.
There were about 8 follows and 4 leads. I got in a dance with Grant just after I got there and it was the only time I danced, but I was content to listen to the live music and watch the other dancers. I met some new peole. One girl from So Cal who has a 7 year old and another girl who is on a newly formed swing dance team in Salt Lake. I was secretly so jealous. But not as jealous as I became of the couple who came in later who actually started the team and teach lessons together. They were such a pleasure to watch dancing. If I had a partner to practice and learn with I know I could dance like that.
I didn't let it get me down. I actually made it home with no tears tonight.

It's Still Pouring

I guess I made it through the week. I had two almost good days on Monday and Tuesday, even with the news that I would no longer receive assistance for daycare from the state because I am not technically employed. So I have to pay for the last two weeks on my own plus the next two weeks to comply with the two-weeks-notice that the daycare requires.
I think I was even convinced that life without Paul would still go on. Then Paul came back from his trip to Hawaii and we started chatting and talking again and I realized how much I missed him. It's nice to have a shoulder to cry on, even if it is virtual. If I had a friend like me though, I think I would get tired of her complaining about all the petty shit that happens to her.

I am constantly tight rope walking and apparently I'm not very good at it, but my parents are always there like a safety net to catch me when I fall and I hate it. I remind myself of it everyday. I have a very independent personality, yet I am completely financially dependent upon my parents.
Well, they had to bail me out again last week when I found out that because I downloaded the practice test when I was first starting up with the Medical Transcription last May, and it has been more than 6 months since I turned it in, because I have been completing the terminology course, now I get to be reinstated. This consists of reapplying, sending an updated resume and paying a $50 fee. Well isn't that nice? I don't happen to have 50 extra dollars sitting around. I never understood the concept of charging a person so they can work for you. If I had money to spend, I wouldn't be looking for a job, now would I?
Friday I was about to post the jewlery that Frank gave me for V day on ebay. When I couldn't get my camera to work, I decided to try to take them back to the store. I knew where he bought them and they still had the tags on them. I suspected that they would probably give me a gift card for the amount because I didn't have a receipt, so my plan was to make a purchase with the gift card then return the item that I had a receipt for. (Of course they have gotten smarter these days and they can tell that you purchased the item with a gift card from the receipt and to keep their money they would just give me another gift card, but it was worth a try, plus I just needed to get out.)
Just my luck, the items he purchased were on sale, which means I got even less credit for them. Guy and I went up and down the escalator and elevator a couple times, then I found a pair of Googly, large white sparkly sun glasses and a pretty pearl and blue retro brooch to purchase for the amount of my gift card. It turned out they were on sale too, so I still had credit on the card. We wandered through the mall for a while and came back to the department store. Long story short- I was able to convince the store manager to cash out the $20 left on the card. Well, that would be enough to get me in to see the Red Rock Hot Club at Zanzibar and to pay the sitter, then I would be back where I started. Good enough for me.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

I Can't Hear You, I Have A Banana Stuck In My Ear

My depression was worse today than yesterday or the day before. I was taking my time getting ready for church, after every one else had already left for Sacrament Meeting. My plan was to go to the YA ward after church, so I didn't see the need to go to be there for sacrament in the Family Ward too. But I still have a Primary class to teach, so I was getting ready to be there in time for that.
Well, I took the time to scan and print a handout I had for my class at home instead of trying to catch the library open at the right time and missed Sharing time in the process. So, I finally made it out the door in time to be there to teach my class. It was snowing this morning so I had to brush off the car first. I was already fighting the tears before I left and I thought I would be ok, but by the time I got to the church parking lot, which is only about a block away, I was full on balling. There was no way I could go in there and teach a lesson about how our Heavily Father watches over us to a class of 6 year olds in my condition. Especially, when I did not feel like Heavily Father has been watching over me.
I was feeling like I was being mocked, and thrown another temptation instead of a blessing. I am hurt and confused by the way my answers to my prayers do not match up. I am angry at myself for slipping, it was no major fall, but I think I may have skinned my knee a bit. I feel like when I need guidance the most, I am unworthy of it.
I couldn't do it. I just drove on through the parking lot and back out the other side. I headed for the temple parking lot to pray, sobbing all the way. I stopped in there last night, on my way home to pray, but I only fell asleep when I turned off the radio. On my way there today, I was so much as contemplating calling it quits and I imagined myself driving off the edge of a cliff. I scared myself to be thinking this way, but the pressure has been so great lately, that I just feel like I need a way out.
I stopped in the temple parking lot and I was able to bring myself out of it after a while. I apologized to God for questioning him and my testimony or my desire to be married in the temple, but I was still angry with him for allowing me to be so confused.
I realized it was close to the time for the YA ward to start. I figured I would just go straight there. I was about 15 minutes early still. I snagged one of the proseyliting Books of Mormon from a table in the foyer as I walked in the chapel. I was the first one to sit in the piews. There were a few people on the stand preparing the Sacrament etc. I sat in the same place I sat last week, the back row, closest to the door. Not because I came in 1/2 hour late, but because I was not feeling very friendly and it would be a quick escape in case I broke down again.
I opened the BofM in 3 Nephi where Jesus is preaching to the people in America, after his descention.
One guy came up and introduced himself to me. He said he remembered my testimony from last week and we talked for a moment. Then I went back to my reading. I was doing ok until I read the following passages.

7 Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
8 For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.
9 Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone?
10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?
I was feeling like my prayers were being said in vain. I felt like I asked for a fish and got a serpent! I have not been praying lately because I am afraid of what other crazy answer I might get. I put down the BofM, as the meeting was about to start.
I felt like I was going through the motions as I was singing the hymn, but I was really trying to feel the Spirit and get what I could out of the meeting.
The first talk was on Self Worth. I figured I better listen up since I was just contemplating suicide a few moments earlier.
The second talk was about coming out of depression or overcoming low self esteem, (something to this affect). I'm sure the talk was written for me. I love when that happens. He said some wonderful things, and what stood out to me the most was when he talked about how trials are given us so that we may know opposition in all things. Before the greatest blessings come the toughest trials.
I figured there had ought to be one giant blessing in store for me. Preferably, between 5' 4" and 6' tall.
I was holding back the tears by the time he was through talking. I couldn't finish the closing hymn and I darted out of there as soon as the prayer was over.
I came on home and my mom saw me before I could reach my bedroom. She could see that I was down and she wanted to comfort me. She knew I was having a hard time lately because she saw me sobbing at my computer last week when I was trying to break it off with Paul, but I didn't go into detail with her at that time (not that I ever do), I just told her how I was frustrated with all that was going on with Frank and Paul and not that it was a real concern, but X too. Oh, and I found out that I can't send Guy to daycare any more while I am training because the state won't subsidise his daycare unless I am employed, which technically, I am not right now.
She started asking questions and I gave her minimal information. All I wanted to do was climb in bed. She sat on the bed next to me and tried to understand what I am going through while Guy was giving me kisses and hugs.
My family, including myself, has been fasting and praying for me today, that I can get through this hard time and that I will meet a man that can take me to the temple. She shared with me how they had a good lesson on the Spirit in Relief Society today. She said that she was thinking about me and she had a warm feeling come over her telling her that the Lord has a plan for me and that it will all be ok. Then she said, "But it didn't tell me when."
It was enough simply to know that he has a plan. She also said that she was impressed that we all needed to pull together to make it happen. I am thankful to my mother for listening to the Spirit because I have turned my ears off to him. I really needed to hear that.

Where can I turn for peace?

I feel like I need to run, but in every direction there is some obsticle; either a briar patch, a mountain, a dessert or an ocean. And, if I stand still the wolves will get me. I have only to choose which one is going to take me down. Is there a green hill far away? If so, in what direction?

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Friday Night Flop

I feel Betrayed, Confused, misguided, abandonded, tricked, neglected, misplaced, helpless, weak, alone, frustrated, annoyed, tempted, and let down.

I just got back from dancing at the "Golden Skillet" Ooo! It's a small place and there weren't a whole lot of people there, more than last week, because some kids from Provo were there tonight.
I got there at about 10pm, danced with all the leads, there were only 5 there, then sat down. Then came in the Provo kids. Everyone started goofing off and getting silly with their friends. Even so much as pretending to dance with the poles that are placed throughout the dance floor, very badly, I might add.
I was feeling like a missfit and decided to check out another venue in Murray. I had heard that it was west coast, but I thought it might be the change I needed. Nope, it just didn't appeal to me at all. West coast dancing with guys in cow boy hats to Michael Jackson just isn't my thing.
I broke down in tears when I got in my car to go home. I have lost hope in finding the man of my dreams here, in Utah. I haven't even found a girl friend that I can just talk to or go out with. I moved here specifically because I remembered there to be a large croud of LDS kids that swing dance. Well there is, but they are just that, KIDS. They are all several years younger than me. Which was fine when I was several years younger, but they seem to have stayed the same age. Truthfully, I only know one person that still dances from when I lived here before and she has always been much younger than me, so she is still safe. I suppose it's no different than the Young Adult Wards. Once you turn 30, you fall off the face of the Earth, if you haven't already by then. If they're lucky, it happens before they reach 25.

For me, dancing isn't just social entertainment. It is my therapy: physical and mental. In order for me to be happy, I must dance, regularly. Sure, I can dance alone doing tap, jazz, or ballet, but I would like to be able to do the couples dancing with my husband, rather than always wishing he could dance with me. It's not like it would be appropriate for me to go out dancing alone or with some girlfriends and without my husband. I need someone that has the same appreciation for dancing as me, so we enjoy it together.

I don't know where else to search. It would take another year to find out who, if any one in my Young Adult Ward dances, and if they do dance, then they would be out dancing and I would be sure to run into them there. I wish I could afford to travel to more exchanges in other states. It's just not reasonable, as I would have to leave Guy with Grandma and Granpa for several days at a time, but with this new job, at least I could either take my work with me or schedule the days off.

I had hopes of being able to go to the exchange in Sacramento, coming up. Not with any expectations of meeting "the one". I have already gone out with the only available member that swing dances in Sacramento. You can read about that under "Midtown Rendezvous". Though, I'm not sure I'll be able to afford it, since I don't have any money coming in and I have $100 to last me for the next three weeks or more. I may be able to sell off enough junk of mine on ebay to get myself there and back, but I am a little concerned also about how my parents would feel about me taking another road trip while I am supposed to be training for this job and only a few weeks after my last escapade. It sure would be nice to be able to spend some time there to visit with my old friends, though.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Some Answers

Frank has continued to send me at least one email a day. I do not even reply to them. Then on Friday morning I found an email from him that said he left something for me on the porch the night before and he hoped I got it.
I opened the front door and found a bag with some red roses, a mini cheese cake, a toy for guy, and a lame card with the inside message scratched out and he wrote, "Sorry Babe".
It's all very nice and all, but it only makes me feel like I am not being heard.
I sent him an email thanking him for all the nice things, but please do not come around any more and do not email me any more unless you NEED something and do not call me!
So, what does he do? He calls my cell phone from a restricted number a few hours later. I answer it because I did not know it was him. I wish I had hung up as soon as I heard his voice, but I guess I figured it had better be pretty good if he is calling me just after getting my email telling him not to even contact me. I was wrong.
He just started going on about how he can't let go because he feels like he had found the love of his life and his dream woman and he just can't give me up. He prays to know if he should persue me or not and his answer is yes. He started reminiscing about some special moments we had together, but I would cut him off. He gave his Giant-with-the-cupcake analogy about how the Giant just fumbles with the delicate cupcake in his hand until he has detroyed it so that it has crumbled to the floor. He feels like he is the giant trying to save our relationship. I told him he cannot pray to make someone fall in love with him. My feelings for him have changed.
Then he started giving examples of how he has changed since we were dating. How he has a truck now and that he is working and making good money. I told him those are not the only reasons why I called it off. He wanted to know what my reasons were, but I did not have the heart to tell him, because it is not something that he can change and I know he has regrets over it. I was trying to spare his feelings even to this point. He said he is strong and that he can take it. HA! He has not taken any of it well.
He figured if he were to come out and tell me the things about myself that he didn't like that I would feel compelled to retaliate and do the same for him. Well, I did not let him get so far with me on the phone. I hung up before he could share with me what they were.
He called me back four times (but I did not answer the phone), with 20 minutes and sent another four emails, one of which included the things he doesn't like about me. They were all superficial, and petty insecurities that I was already well aware of about myself, more my physical self than my character. But he didn't let me off the hook there either. He told me I am a truly horrible person because I choose not to tell him and that I am actually lying to him because I won't tell him.
Then he threatons to send me flowers everyday if I do not give him the answers that he deserves. Whoopdideedooo! At least it wasn't a harmfull threat. Another email said that he is on his way to my house to ask me face to face. As soon as I read that I called him and told him not to come over. He made the excuse that his sister needs her slip back that I was going to borrow for the wedding. I told him it would be on the porch. I should have told him I would take it to her myself, which I am going to end up doing anyway it looks like.
I sent the email below, in blue to him in response to his series of emails. I had to go pick up Guy, so I told my brother and my mother that he said he was coming by, just to prepare them, then I left. My dad got home shortly after and they decided to go out to dinner, so by the time Frank got there, there was no one home. He continued to call me every 10 minutes. He called me a total of 14 times last night and left 10 messages!

[FRANKENSTEIN ___________],

I saw that he had not picked up the bag with his sister's slip in it from the front porch. He did get my email though and he had already replied...twice....

Reply #1
I didn't mean any of those I sent to you. I just said them to get a reaction and I just wanted you to be honest with me. You have not been honest for some time and I just wanted to get the truth. That's all. You broke up with me with out telling me the real reason. That's all...........

Reply #2
Oh by the way your true colors are shining through. No contact will be made. I resend any offer to be here for you in anyway because your a lier and not only to me but to your parents and to your self and it has made you real ugly to me and very un-attractive. I hope you can change for Guys sake. You find a project and make it better and when it's almost perfect you throw it away. Please get some help!

Hahahahaha. The second one made me laugh out loud!...hehe, still does. Oh, dear. Yes, my true colors....and his true psychosis!

The next part is where I am puzzled, and amazed. I really hadn't discussed with anyone the additional reasons why I was glad that I choose not to marry Frank or why I was not interested in getting back together with him. Then, over breakfast this morning my dad brings him up and how glad he is that I did not marry him because now we can see how he might behave if things didn't go his way. I agreed and I shared a few of my thoughts and mentioned that I feel like he is lacking in the intellectual department and I think it is partly due to the drugs that he used to do. He was very honest with me from the beginning about it, but I managed to look past that as long as it wasn't a part of his life any more. What I didn't realize were the long term affects that it has on people. He has even admitted that he has a hard time expressing himself sometimes and he things it is due to his taking drugs.
This brought up a new concern to my parents that he might revert back to them at some point if life gets too tough to handle.

I got an email from Frank this afternoon saying that he "know[s] what it is". He never mentioned what "it" is, and that he understans my fear. He elaborated about how he had forgotten about it because he has confessed of it so many times and been forgiven that he himself forgets at times. He says he feels like he needed to experience it so that he could help other people who may be struggling with similar challenges.
I guess the answer must have just come to him, but I wondered if he had bugged the house while we were all out or something. It was a little creepy that he knew only moments after I verbalized it.

*Frank, I'm sorry for the pain I have put you through. It has been a trial for me too. But, what is important is that we both come out strong and better people from this experience, which I believe we both will.*

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

The Tide Is High

I started making a CD for Paul that tells our story. I think listening to all the love songs is making it worse. I want to see him again, but I am concerned for what may happen when we do. He has already warned me that I will be in trouble the next time he sees me.
I could not even consider the posibilty of marrying a non-member a few weeks ago, but now a day doesn't go by that I dream about being with Paul. I am close to convincing myself that I could be happy, even without a temple marriage. If I was lucky, I could be sealed to him if he died before me or my children could do it for us. But I cannot depend on that. He still would have to accept it later and what if my children do not join the church or remain active because of the influence of Paul's own faith.
On the other hand, what is the point of being moderatly happy with some one for eternity, when I could be more happy at least for this lifetime with someone that makes me complete.
I imagine eloping with him the next time he is in town, so that I don't sabotage my ability to go to the temple or endanger my membership, but so that I can also be with him.
But say I did decide to marry him and I find that I regret not having a temple marriage. I would not have the Priesthood in my home. There is a chance that my children may choose another path.
I am a little upset with the Lord lately. I was beginning to feel like he was just starting to answer my prayers again, but with answers like the ones I have received, I think I could have done better without them. They have caused more confusion and heart ache than I need in my life. I find myself questioning my testimony, which scares me. The only person I can share these true feelings with is Paul because I know he isn't going to judge me or give me the patented answers that I can expect from anyone else. Of course they are going to tell me that I want a temple marriage. Well, would some one please speak up and tell me where I can get one! a dancer please. Am I asking too much? Am I unworthy of such a man? Am I looking in the wrong place? There are few stones left unturned. I am getting older and anxious to have more children; to have a husband for me and a father for Guy; to be independent from my parents again; to have my own home where I will never want to move from; and to stop wookin pa nub.
They say the tide always turns at the highest point, but I fear this one might pull me under.

Is It Over Yet?

The following is a letter that I sent to Frankenstein. I hope it will be the last.
It's true I am confused lately. I will be the first to admit it, but I have been honest with you all along. You act as if I had this all planned out from the beginning. I was not playing a game with you. I fell in love with you, I loved being with you and I was preparing to marry you for eternity. What is most confusing to me is how conflicting my answers have been regarding marrying you or any one else. From the time that we first started dating, I began fasting to know if I should even continue to date you. I felt like it was the right thing for me to do, so I continued seeing you. One morning I felt prompted to get out of bed and kneel on the floor to receive a message for me. The message was that Robbie is not right for you. So I asked, "Well, then who?" and I heard [X's] name. I figured that could not be correct so I tossed the whole message asside. Eventually, the Bishop called me in to share what he felt the Lord wanted me to hear. He told me that he feels like I need to be married. I shared with him how I had been trying to receive and answer concerning marrying you. He gave me a blessing promising me that I would receive an answer within the week. I went home that very night and made a list of the qualities that I was seeking in a husband and the qualities that you posess. As I mentioned, you came out at about 70%, and most of the other items of importance were ones that you either had started to work on or planned to work on. I said a prayer in search for a solid answer as to weather I should marry you. I let God know that I may need some reasurance down the line because I have a hard time trusting myself, so I asked him for strength to commit to what ever answer he might give me. The answer that came was an overpowering, "Yes, Yes, Yes, a thousand times YES." I also petitioned to know when we should get married. The date October 31st came to my mind, which was only a little more than a month away. A few moments later I got a call from you in Arizona. I wanted to share my experience with you, but you asked me to call you later at your hotel room. You never came back to the hotel because you had been arrested [for being drunk in public]. I found out from [your friend] that you had not shown up for work on Monday and I figured you must have gotten into some mischief, and I was ready to write you off. It boggles my mind to realize that in the very moments that the Lord was telling me to marry you, you were out drinking! You talked me out of breaking it off with you and I tried to have faith in the answer that I received. I remained strong and stuck to my decision to marry you. We broke the news to my parents, whom I could tell were very concerned about the decision. I began to be concerned as well. I broke down in the bath tub one morning with the feeling like I was walking into a situation similar to my last marriage. It was when you said that you wanted to put all of the money you receive from the tribe into advertising for River Rock that I became scared of your ability to think rationally. I was scared and confused. I took a couple days to ponder my decision to marry you and I figured that the confusion was a good sign that it wasn't right. I figured I needed to call it off with you, and I attempted to, but you talked me out of it and we decided to wait for the temple instead. I felt better about things for some time after that, but the doubt crept in again and I ignored it because it was easier that way. Driving home from dropping you off at Vaughn's house one night, I felt like I needed to go to the temple. I thought about going the next day, a Saturday, but I didn't get there until the following Thrusday. I went through a session and I imagined you being in the room with me, going through for the first time. I felt fine until I got into the celestial room where I was able to have a one-on-one with the Lord. That is when he told me that I would be OK, if I were to marry you. (My impression was that I would be taken care of financially and I would be pretty happy). Then he said to me, "But what if I have some one else in mind for YOU, would you be interested?" How could I resist such an offer from the Lord? Someone chosen just for ME? Of course I was interested. Then the name of an elder from my mission came to my mind. I knew I would have to break if off with you first before the Lord could do his part. I was also given the prompting to call an old companion of mine. I saw you on Friday, with my experience laying heavily on my mind. I didn't know how to go about breaking the news to you. Saturday, I spent the whole day pondering and moaping around, dredding the task at hand, to break up with you. I was avoiding your phone calls because I was not ready to talk to you. You took the hard part away by saying the words for me. I did not know for sure what the future was for me at that time, so it was comforting to know that there was a possibility for us to get back together later, (although I did not expect this from you).Thus, I did not resist the idea that we were taking a break from each other. It was not my intention to drag you on for a month. It was more like you latched yourself on to my leg as I was trying to walk away. I tried to shake you, but I did not want to injure you. I was patient with you as you were dealing with the swarm of emotions and the pain and heart ache. I resisted getting romantic with you, even though I still cared for you, because I did not want to send mixed signals. It was difficult enough to break up the first time and I felt like I had to do it all over again each time we spoke or saw each other. You wanted explainations, but I didn't have them. Your behavior tired me out and it frustrated me that you wanted to wallow in it with me, while I was trying to move on. It has been since our breakup that my feelings have changed about us getting back together. If you will recall, I tried to make it final last week, when I brought back the ring, but again, you refused to let it happen. You see it how you want to, [Frankenstein]. When you see me, you tell me you still see love in my eyes for you, or feel passion when you press agains my still, reluctant lips. When I try to set it straight, you get hurt, then mad and begin calling me things like a liar, or selfish, or inconsiderate, or cruel, or a loose canon, or a gold digger, so what incentive do I have to share my feelings with you? You do not make it easy or pleasant for me. I have to be true to myself. Granted I am confused right now, but I do not feel like I want to get back together with you, nor [X], if it makes you feel any better. I do not know what the future holds for me, so I am taking it one day at a time.

I am not asking for your forgiveness, because I don't feel that I have done anything wrong for breaking up with you, or in the way I did it. You made it very difficult for me and I was more than patient and 100% honest and sincere with you.

Please do not call me. If there is something that you need to tell me, you can send me an email.


The Never Ending Story

Monday comes and Frank is back from his trip to Zion, where he and his buddy were looking at some property they might develop. He calls me to get the swatches that I picked up on Saturday and the sketches of the curtains that I drew.
He came that afternoon with a bag full of stuff for Guy and I with my ring, (I guess it was just a test to see if I was willing to give it back to him if he asked me to) at the bottom and a lunch from Wendy's. I gave him the swatches and a box of his childhood pictures and papers that I discovered in the garage over the weekend. He looked at me with puppy dog eyes. I thought he was going to start whimpering.
He trapped me at my car while I was looking for a cd he thought I had in my player. He told me that he realized that he doesn't want to hear about the guys I date. Then he asks me how I am doing. I confess that I am going through a trial. He asked if it is about a guy or guys. I said, "Of course." Then he started prying and I told him I don't feel like I can talk to him about it, as he just got done telling me that he does not want to hear about the other guys in my life.
He persists, and asked if it has to do with that Paul guy. I told him it was. He asks me if he had proposed to me. I told him no, but that I am in love with him, and that he loves me. He finally started to quiet a bit. He was confused, as am I how I would consider or even get involved with someone who is not a member when Frank's activity was a major issue in our relationship. I couldn't explain, but I assured him I have not made any plans for promisses to anyone.
He finally left, now that he was hurt.
He called later to see if he could take Guy out with him the next day. What does it take to send him the message?
I had to tell him, no. I told him that I don't see us getting back together. He expects explainations for all these things and I told him I just don't thing we are compatible. Then he assumes that I have been lying to him for the last 8 months, as if I never had feelings for him. I let him believe what he wanted, just as long as he leaves me alone. I think he was finally getting the message.
He called two times later that evening. I listened to his 5 minute long complaint message where he tells me that his sisters think I am loose canon and that his brother said he thinks this girl he is starting to date is an upgrade from me. (He just told me earlier that afternoon that Liz is nice, but she is no Trixie.)
Then comes an apology email, the next morning, for what he said to me in his messages, followed by advice on finding a good man in the church to be a good example to Guy, etc.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

New YA Ward

I went to my home ward on Sunday, as usuall to teach my primary class. Then I came home and turned around to go to the Yound Adult Ward by noon. I think I had high hopes for making some friends and meeting some good guys there. It being fast and testimony Sunday, and me being new, I felt impressed to bare my testimony, which is also an opportunity for me to introduce myself.
I got up the courage to go up to the stand. Besides introducing myself, I didn't say much except that I love my family and my Savior and I expressed how I was looking forward to when my trial was over and I could look back on it knowing that I had made the right decision and that I was looking forward to meeting some new people and making friends in the Ward.
I spoke briefly to the girl I sat next to. She told me that from the time they formed the ward, a little over a year ago, it has doubled in size. They asked the new people to meet in the Bishop's office for an orientation meeting. There were four of us attending for the first time. The Bishop of the ward lives in my family ward and his daughter has watched Guy for me several times. He was expecting me because my bishop told him that I would be coming. They reviewed their activity calendar and mentioned a goal setting program with a guide that they would like for us to progress in and meet with the Bishop about on an individual basis. They mentioned something about curfews and I was rolling my eyes in my head.
Then they took our pictures for the ward list. I finally got to attend the last 5 minutes of Sunday School. The sisters in Relief Society were pretty friendly with me.
All in all, I felt very welcome by everyone. I know it's the activities were I will really get to know them, though.

The Skillet

Friday, I made it a point to check out a semi new swing venue in Sandy that they call the Skillet. I'm not sure I get the name, it sounds more like the name of a restaurant to me. It's located in a dance studio under the Sandy mall.
It was a pretty small croud out. I guess there were usually more kids from Provo that come, but none of them were there that night. I saw a couple people that I knew. Emily, Ryan and Ken. I don't think there's a swing dance happening that they don't attend. They are truly die hards. I also met a few new people, including the instructor, two other people from the forum and some newbies.
Raymond even made an appearance at the last hour, with his girlfriend for the night. I can never read him. Sometimes he is friendly and others he tries to avoid me. I think it may be when he has a girlfriend present that he is standoffish. Eh, whatever.
I got to talk with the instructor for a bit. He was telling me how he and his wife teach the lesson there and go to the exchanges. They wanted to move to Cali, but he had a hard time finding work there and they just bought a house here. He was living proof that guys like him do exist. Where is mine? I ask you?

The Sky Bar

I got a call from Freddy, (a guy I met at the LDS dance a few weeks back), but I didn't get back to him until the next week when his friend found me online to tell me that he was hurt that I didn't call him back. I was still interested in going out with Freddy, so I figured I better call him. His friend told me that Freddy had a profile on the same web site, so I looked into it. I found out from him profile that he has not been to the temple, but I called him anyway to find out what his story was. By the end of our chat session, his friend, Ivan ended up asking me out to dinner too.
I called Freddy to see if we could go out and we made plans for the very same night. He invited me to the Sky Bar, downtown where they have salsa dancing. I met him at his place. He literally has a used car lot in his yard. He didn't want to leave just yet because it was still early, so we chatted lingered there for a bit. He said he had been looking at my profile and said he didn't know that I served a mission, because he usually doesn't date Return Missionaries. He claims they are too bossy. I asked if he was taking back his offer, I pretended to start to leave.
Then he starts telling me about his eating habbits and how he eats mostly organic fruits and vegetables. Then he gave me nothing short of a lesson on the Word of Wisdom and got out Doctrine and Covenants Section 89 to review with me. He pressed the issue on eating meat sparingly or in times of cold and famine. Is there something about me that says, "I am a carnivore. I eat meat between two slices of bread at every meal and I loath exercising?" Why did he think I needed to hear all that. Was he just sharing his testimony of the W of W with me to make himself look good?
I thanked him for the Sunday School Lesson as he decided which car to take, the yellow Mustang? Oh, it doesn't have plates, so the Eddie Baur SUV it is.
We got there in time for the salsa lesson, not that we planned to. They started with the basic and taught a couple intermediate moves, then busted out with what seemed like a pretty advanced move at the end. Freddy warned me beforehand that he can dance to any of the other music except salsa. He did fine in the lesson, but forgot most of it on the dance floor. I was ok with it, I know it takes time and practice to get it down.
I did feel the need to move a bit more so I asked if he minded if I asked the instructor to dance. I did pretty well with him. I was not accustomed to his style or some of his moves, but I was hanging in until he pulled the advanced move that he taught in the lesson and my shoes stuck to the floor and kept me from spinning like I was supposed to and I tripped a bit. He gave me a couple pointers and told me that I am pretty good and asked if I have taken lessons. I told him I have taken a few.
We sat at the table for a while and arm wrestled eachother and sipped on our drinks. I learned that he joined the church as a teenager because his martial arts instructor was a member. He had been inactive for the last probably 20 years and was just starting to go back to church. He is not at all interested in going to the temple to make more covenants. He is basing his judgements on his customers who he does free financing for who tell him about how they go to the temple, but they are irresponsible with their payments. So, he does not see how it would benefit him.
He got me to share about the times when I tried alcohol. I told him I didn't like the taste of it. The only thing I could manage to get down were wine coolers. But that phase in my life didn't last long and I don't believe I ever got very drunk.
We also talked about how the members in Utah are so relaxed about their religion. He was aware that the church was different here compared to the members in California. He said how you could be talking with a person and asking if they are a member and they will say, "Of the church? Sure," as they take a drink of their beer.
Eventually, they played some merengue and reggaeton that Freddy felt more comfortable with. We saw Freddy's other friend, Jamie on the dance floor for a second, too. He asked me out a couple times, but it never happened.
It occured to me how different the cultures are between salsa dancing and swing dancing because there is such jealously among the men that there is very little exchanging of partners going on, where as in swing we switch it up at every song. Perhaps it was because it was more of a club atmosphere because I do recall that they didn't mind trading partners when I went salsa dancing in Sacramento.
The croud on the dance floor was getting it on and we agreed that we had had enough fun, so we left. He invited me to come in, but I declined. He walked me to my car and asked if he could kiss me. I permitted. It was like kissing a monkey, no not a monkey, I don't know but it was pretty strange. He doesn't have much in the way of lips so his teeth are right there and his mouth rarely closed. *Shutter, shutter*

He called me the next night and invited me to come over to "party with him". I asked what he had in mind. He said, "Oh, you know, we can get some drinks and just chill here." I asked what kind of drinks. He said, "Well, I have some beer or what do you like to drink?" Well, Freddy, I don't drink alcohol. "Oh, well what do you like to drink? You like wine coolers, right?" I told him I don't party like that anymore. Then he comes out and says he was just kidding and he wanted to see how I reacted. He says he just wanted to invite me over to watch a movie. I told him I was already planning to go dancing....alone!

Friday, March 03, 2006

Return of the Ring

I got a phone call from Frank on Wednesday. He had what he thought was some news he wanted to share with me. He called to tell me that he was planning to take out a life insurance policy for himself with Guy as the beneficiary! I was thoroughly surprised and annoyed. I asked him what he will do in the future, when he has a different wife and kids that he will be responsible for. How would they feel about knowing that he has an insurance policy that was going towards some one else's child? He paused, then said that he is not worried about that. That means, he did not consider that when he made the decision.
I told him it would make me feel uncomfortable. He started to insist that is was his gift to Guy, because he made a promise to him and he doesn't want to break his committment. I told him, he is three years old, he doesn't understand what he commited to. Besides that, it was ME who broke the commitment, he does not need to feel responsible for Guy any more. He didn't back down, but he mentioned that if he finds out that I spent the money he will come back from his grave and kick my butt. I was appalled. Then he went on to say that he thinks that I am a bit of a Gold Digger!
Yeah, that makes sense. I mean after all, I was about to marry him for
He mentioned the ring again and how he felt like I should have volunteered to give it back to him. I was going by the standard that the bride is allowed to keep the ring, as a gift. Besides I do love the ring, but it is not worth him continually asking me for it.
I was pretty disturbed by the time I got off the phone with him. I made up my mind to return the ring to him the next day and call it quits, for good, once and for all, finis, nada, done!

I went to the temple the next morning after I dropped Guy off at Preschool. From there, I returned home to get the ring and put it back in the box it was mailed in. I called Frank to find out where he was working because I was coming up to see him.
He was all excited to see me and he must have thought I had Guy with me too. When I get there, he is grinning and staring and hands me a boquet of flowers. He wants me to take a look at him and notice how he has changed and lost a little weight. I honestly didn't notice anything different. I just wanted to give him the stupid ring and tell him I don't want to see him again and get out of there.
Instead he wanted me to come up to the condo that he is renovating. I tell him in the elevator the reason why I am there. I told him how I didn't appreciate some of the hurtful things that he had said to me lately. He blames it on the Zoloft that he went on a couple days after we broke up. He broke down in tears as we talked in the bathroom. He filled my hands with a gift for Guy and a bag of chocolate chip cookies for me.
He dried his tears and told me that the owner of the condo wants some red velvet curtains made for the windows. He asked if I was interested. I told him I would and he promised that I would be paid well for them. I was glad to have some work, knowing that I am basically unemployed.
He walked me down to my car and wanted to show off his new truck to me. I took a look and he begged me to go for a ride with him. I resisted, and he persisted, like always. He kept me away for another 40 minutes while he parked and begged me to at least "take another look at Frankenstein", later. I told him, I couldn't promise him anything, but he acted as if he would just lay down and die if I took his hope away from him. He says he still prays about us and weather or not he should marry me and he says his answer is always the same, yes.
I figured I didn't have anything to loose, because he said it was ok if we don't end up getting married, just as long as I "took another look". I shrugged and said "ok".
We finally got back to my car and he acted like we could be just friends now and he wanted to know what I had been up to. I had been sheltering him from any hint of where I had gone the weekend before, but he was asking for it, so I let the secret creep out.
I wrapped it up with him and left SL....or had I wrapped it up?
As I am getting on the freeway, I hear him calling me. I let him talk to my voice mail. He wanted to talk to me about the curtains. *Sigh* ...why did I agree to that?

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

my thoughts...

I have a lot on my mind and I am just trying to sort through it all. I need to concentrate on getting through this practice for my job, but I get distracted by what is going on in my life. I need some direction so I can set it all aside and focus in the now.

I think this transcription will go well if I can acually get started. I am trying to find a routine and schedule that works for Guy and I. I look forward to being able to take an occasional day off and having more money so I can enjoy life more fully.

I feel like I need to go to the temple, today if I can. I feel like I need and deserve some answers.
X has been sending me pictures of homes for rent and asking me my thoughts on them. He says he wants to provide a place for Guy and I to live. He also has high hopes of getting back together with me and living in the home with us. I asked him what he would do if we don't get back together, and he didn't seem too concerned. He seems pretty confident that we will. I am pretty confident, otherwise.

Looking at homes makes my heart pitter patter, though. I long to have a little home of my own to decorate and put all my stuff away in, to clean and to invite friends over to visit, not that I have any friends to come visit me, but one can dream. Like everything else, I cannot count on it, so I do better not to think about it. I don't want to be living in a bird cage, with my ex as my owner.
I was going to allow him to watch Guy for me on a regular basis, on the three days in a row that he has off, and allow Guy to stay there with him, but after mentioning it to my parents, and realizing their disapproval, it may cause more contention that I am up for.

I will be attending the YA ward in my stake next Sunday. I think I have my hopes pretty high for that. It will take quite a while to get to know the people in the ward. I was just barely getting to know some people in the YA ward in Cali after attending for a year.

I would also really like to go to more dance exchanges and workshops. I had such a great time in SF. There is an exchange in Sacramento at the end of the month, I am hoping I can get away, but I think it may be a bit too soon after starting a new job. I doubt I will be paid by then and my paychecks from American Crafts rarely last longer than a week. I must promise myself never to to go so long without dancing again, for my own sanity. I hope I can fit some tap class into my schedule, once I can afford it. There is so much that I want to do, and I just feel like my obligations and limited income prevent me from doing it all. I'm sure every one feels that way at times, I just hope that things change for me soon.