I started making a CD for Paul that tells our story. I think listening to all the love songs is making it worse. I want to see him again, but I am concerned for what may happen when we do. He has already warned me that I will be in trouble the next time he sees me.
I could not even consider the posibilty of marrying a non-member a few weeks ago, but now a day doesn't go by that I dream about being with Paul. I am close to convincing myself that I could be happy, even without a temple marriage. If I was lucky, I could be sealed to him if he died before me or my children could do it for us. But I cannot depend on that. He still would have to accept it later and what if my children do not join the church or remain active because of the influence of Paul's own faith.
On the other hand, what is the point of being moderatly happy with some one for eternity, when I could be more happy at least for this lifetime with someone that makes me complete.
I imagine eloping with him the next time he is in town, so that I don't sabotage my ability to go to the temple or endanger my membership, but so that I can also be with him.
But say I did decide to marry him and I find that I regret not having a temple marriage. I would not have the Priesthood in my home. There is a chance that my children may choose another path.
I am a little upset with the Lord lately. I was beginning to feel like he was just starting to answer my prayers again, but with answers like the ones I have received, I think I could have done better without them. They have caused more confusion and heart ache than I need in my life. I find myself questioning my testimony, which scares me. The only person I can share these true feelings with is Paul because I know he isn't going to judge me or give me the patented answers that I can expect from anyone else. Of course they are going to tell me that I want a temple marriage. Well, would some one please speak up and tell me where I can get one! ...to a dancer please. Am I asking too much? Am I unworthy of such a man? Am I looking in the wrong place? There are few stones left unturned. I am getting older and anxious to have more children; to have a husband for me and a father for Guy; to be independent from my parents again; to have my own home where I will never want to move from; and to stop wookin pa nub.
They say the tide always turns at the highest point, but I fear this one might pull me under.