Sunday, March 12, 2006

I Can't Hear You, I Have A Banana Stuck In My Ear

My depression was worse today than yesterday or the day before. I was taking my time getting ready for church, after every one else had already left for Sacrament Meeting. My plan was to go to the YA ward after church, so I didn't see the need to go to be there for sacrament in the Family Ward too. But I still have a Primary class to teach, so I was getting ready to be there in time for that.
Well, I took the time to scan and print a handout I had for my class at home instead of trying to catch the library open at the right time and missed Sharing time in the process. So, I finally made it out the door in time to be there to teach my class. It was snowing this morning so I had to brush off the car first. I was already fighting the tears before I left and I thought I would be ok, but by the time I got to the church parking lot, which is only about a block away, I was full on balling. There was no way I could go in there and teach a lesson about how our Heavily Father watches over us to a class of 6 year olds in my condition. Especially, when I did not feel like Heavily Father has been watching over me.
I was feeling like I was being mocked, and thrown another temptation instead of a blessing. I am hurt and confused by the way my answers to my prayers do not match up. I am angry at myself for slipping, it was no major fall, but I think I may have skinned my knee a bit. I feel like when I need guidance the most, I am unworthy of it.
I couldn't do it. I just drove on through the parking lot and back out the other side. I headed for the temple parking lot to pray, sobbing all the way. I stopped in there last night, on my way home to pray, but I only fell asleep when I turned off the radio. On my way there today, I was so much as contemplating calling it quits and I imagined myself driving off the edge of a cliff. I scared myself to be thinking this way, but the pressure has been so great lately, that I just feel like I need a way out.
I stopped in the temple parking lot and I was able to bring myself out of it after a while. I apologized to God for questioning him and my testimony or my desire to be married in the temple, but I was still angry with him for allowing me to be so confused.
I realized it was close to the time for the YA ward to start. I figured I would just go straight there. I was about 15 minutes early still. I snagged one of the proseyliting Books of Mormon from a table in the foyer as I walked in the chapel. I was the first one to sit in the piews. There were a few people on the stand preparing the Sacrament etc. I sat in the same place I sat last week, the back row, closest to the door. Not because I came in 1/2 hour late, but because I was not feeling very friendly and it would be a quick escape in case I broke down again.
I opened the BofM in 3 Nephi where Jesus is preaching to the people in America, after his descention.
One guy came up and introduced himself to me. He said he remembered my testimony from last week and we talked for a moment. Then I went back to my reading. I was doing ok until I read the following passages.

7 Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
8 For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.
9 Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone?
10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?
I was feeling like my prayers were being said in vain. I felt like I asked for a fish and got a serpent! I have not been praying lately because I am afraid of what other crazy answer I might get. I put down the BofM, as the meeting was about to start.
I felt like I was going through the motions as I was singing the hymn, but I was really trying to feel the Spirit and get what I could out of the meeting.
The first talk was on Self Worth. I figured I better listen up since I was just contemplating suicide a few moments earlier.
The second talk was about coming out of depression or overcoming low self esteem, (something to this affect). I'm sure the talk was written for me. I love when that happens. He said some wonderful things, and what stood out to me the most was when he talked about how trials are given us so that we may know opposition in all things. Before the greatest blessings come the toughest trials.
I figured there had ought to be one giant blessing in store for me. Preferably, between 5' 4" and 6' tall.
I was holding back the tears by the time he was through talking. I couldn't finish the closing hymn and I darted out of there as soon as the prayer was over.
I came on home and my mom saw me before I could reach my bedroom. She could see that I was down and she wanted to comfort me. She knew I was having a hard time lately because she saw me sobbing at my computer last week when I was trying to break it off with Paul, but I didn't go into detail with her at that time (not that I ever do), I just told her how I was frustrated with all that was going on with Frank and Paul and not that it was a real concern, but X too. Oh, and I found out that I can't send Guy to daycare any more while I am training because the state won't subsidise his daycare unless I am employed, which technically, I am not right now.
She started asking questions and I gave her minimal information. All I wanted to do was climb in bed. She sat on the bed next to me and tried to understand what I am going through while Guy was giving me kisses and hugs.
My family, including myself, has been fasting and praying for me today, that I can get through this hard time and that I will meet a man that can take me to the temple. She shared with me how they had a good lesson on the Spirit in Relief Society today. She said that she was thinking about me and she had a warm feeling come over her telling her that the Lord has a plan for me and that it will all be ok. Then she said, "But it didn't tell me when."
It was enough simply to know that he has a plan. She also said that she was impressed that we all needed to pull together to make it happen. I am thankful to my mother for listening to the Spirit because I have turned my ears off to him. I really needed to hear that.

1 comment:

Sariah in Vancouver said...

Oh Trixie! My heart is crying for you!

I've not been in your situation, but I've been in a situation where I've felt alone, betrayed, confused, angry, etc. And I too, allowed myself a moment of anger at the Lord... and like you, had to apologize and try again to put my trust in Him.

All I can tell you is that the scriptures are true and the words that young man said are true. He tries us to prepare us for GREAT blessings.

In my most difficult trials, I would pray, and pray, and fast, and go to the temple, and read scriptures and NEVER did I feel like I was getting the answers I was looking for. But, when I stopped asking "when" and "how" and "why"..., and I began asking, "Am I at least on the right path? Am I where YOU want me to be?" I did receive an answer - an overwhelming answer of peace.

We do not know the path He has for us. And sometimes I think that is the best because HE is the one who knows what is best, not us. We need to trust Him. It is so hard. And I wish I could tell you that it will be okay soon... but like your mom told you, I don't know "when". I just know that if you continue to try your best to follow the promptings He is giving you through the Spirit, that you WILL be happy - so VERY HAPPY! And it WILL be worth it.

The tough part is getting through this part. I'm glad your mom was able to comfort you a little. I'm glad you were able to attend the YA sacrament meeting - it sounds like it was just what you needed to hear. (The Lord IS trying to speak to you... through these people who care about you. Listen to your heart to help you know what things He is telling you, even if it's coming from the mouth of someone else.)

*hugs*