Sunday, April 30, 2006

What Is Left?

After I got Guy ready and sent him off to church with my parents, I got myself ready and dressed as it I was going to church also. I left before my parents got back from church. As I was turning the corner onto the main street I saw the Bishop turning into the neighborhood on another member's motorcycle. He waved and I waved back. He really is a good man. I wonder how he will react when he finds out that I left the church. I hope to be long gone by then.

I headed in the direction of my church building, but I just drove on past it, towards the canyon. I considered going into the canyon, but turned west instead into Alpine. I found a neighborhood that sits up on a hill and laid back in my car to ponder and doze off.

I thought about what my next course should be. I still need to find a job before I can do anything. I can't afford to move out of state, which is what I want to do now. I need to save money, but I also need to get out of my parent's house. I have this desire to just run away, far away. My situation is getting a bit sticky.

I went to a supposed swing dancing party on Saturday night. BYU is having finals so there was no dance there, one of the dancers invited everyone to his place, but only 6 people showed including myself and the host, who fell asleep before I left at 11:30. While there and talking with them I was realizing that 80% of my swing dancing friends are Mormon. They and the other 20% already believe that I am Mormon too. I don't think I am ready to explain to my friends yet that I used to be Mormon. Particularly those that are. I am not ashamed of the fact, I just know their way of thinking and what their reaction might be, whether they say it out loud or not. I don't think they would be openly rude to me or anything, I am just not ready to be judged like that.

I remember the kinds of thoughts I had about people I know that left the church. I know several friends and family members who no longer go to church. My mother was raised in the church and she was the youngest and only girl out of 7 kids. Every one of them have been married in the temple. Only one became inactive after his divorce and moved in with a psycho-psychologist. We could all see that she was manipulating him. I have numerous cousins that have left one by one. Even one of the most promising of my cousins, who would not even come with myself and the same uncle that I just mentioned and his girlfriend because my cousin did not agree with his choice to be living in sin with his girlfriend. Ironically enough, she moved in with her college music instructor about a year ago.

It was examples like this that made me shake my head. When it is made known to me by my parents or other family that another member has become inactive. Not much explaination is given. It is assumed that they made the choice to put something else as more important in their lives than making it to the Celestial Kingdom. I honestly didn't have much respect for those that simply became "inactive". I felt like they were hypocrites. They believed one way, but chose to live another. The truth is I honestly don't know what lead them to make the choices they did, but when I see a few of them actually returning to the church many years later, it confirmes my belief that they still have a small testimony that the church is true.

This is why I strugled so badly with even considering giving up the church so that I could date Paul. I finally reached the point where I began to look outside the church for confirming or contradicting evidence because I did not want to have to accuse myself of also being a hypocrite. I easliy found enough evidence within my first day of searching to cause me to believe that the church is not true. My second dip had me up all night reading the story of a convert that later left the church to become Christian.

I really liked his story because he did not choose to leave the church so that he could justify his own selfish desires. He was married in the temple to his wife whom me loved, but he found that they were unhappy and began to wonder if it had to do with the church. He noticed some puzzle pieces out of place, like: his bizarre temple experience, the high divorce rate in Utah, a child that was born in the bathroom of Ricks College, the Ricks College faculty that was smuggling Coke in their break room while the students were offered only Caffeine free sodas, the various other churches that were formed from the supposed only true church, the way the Book of Mormon and other Mormon doctrine contradicts the Bible, why Blacks were not allowed to hold the Priesthood, polygamy, etc.

I did some more reading this afternoon. I read a couple of blogs. I followed some links and ended up at a site that told about the doctrine that they used to teach called the Blood Atonement. This was the idea that there were some sins that needed to be paid for by the person's own blood, suggesting that Christ's atonement was not good enough to cover such serious sins as adultry, apostasy, breaking one's covenenats, stealing, and lying.

I was in tears while reading the account of how one bishop castrated a young man because he refused to give up his bride-to-be to become the Bishop's wife, which was as he claimed the will of God. Apparently castration was a common practice among the church at that time.

Then I read up on the event known as the Mountain Meadow Massacre . I recal hearing something about this, but I brushed it asside figuring that they must have the story mixed up.
Not my church. Yes, indeed the Mormon church. I read an account of the one man who was used as a scapegoat by the church, whom was given the directions to carry out the task along with several other unnamed men.

I am still coping and trying to figure out what I do believe in.

"I Survived the Garage Sale With Frank"

Frank has been so helpful and generous with trying to help me out while I am looking for work. He has made several trips down here to bring stuff for the garage sale and he helped out with the signs and he always brings food for me and something for Guy.

I hate to be ungrateful and maybe it's my pride that is getting the better of me because I feel like I owe him something when he does all these favors for me. I just can't hide anymore how annoyed I am by him. He makes bad judgment calls and he is always so wound up on Rockstars that he makes me tired just listening to him. Every piece of junk he pulled off his truck he wanted tell tell me it's history and describe how it should be repaired or polished to be made good as new, then he would try to convince me that I needed it.

Besides that he does not listen to me. I told him I was planning to start the garage sale Friday afternoon. He made plans to be here from 6 to 9. As we were setting up on Friday morning, he realizes that I want to start at noon, and explains that he has plans because he thought I wanted to start later. "When you said afternoon, I didn't know you meant one minute after." He tried to excuse himself. I suppose he thought that by saying "after noon" I meant 6 hours after.

Rather than setting up his stuff on Friday, he takes off to the hardware store to pick up some paint to begin making signs. he had about 15 boards that he planned to make signs of and scatter around the neighborhood. He wanted to bring them in from the freeway! I hate to be the one to always rain on his parade, but good grief!

I was on my own for Friday, but I gave him the money for anything of his that I sold. I made about $150 that afternoon and a funky sun burn on my ankles from my capris and on my arms from my t shirt.

Saturday morning we were to begin at 8. I was up awake at 7, up at 7:30. Frank knocked on the door at 8:05. When I opened the door he motioned to look at his watch, as if to say, "Why aren't the signs out yet and why are you still in the house? The party started 5 minutes ago!" Great, he's started with the Rockstars already.

He finished the signs he was making. He made sure to put our address on each one of them to that when the policeman found the signs all over the city (because he didn't collect them as he took off, like I asked him to) he would know just who to make the ticket out to for $35 per sign.
I about croaked when I came home from my interview on Monday and saw the neon Yard Sale sign he made from a For Sale sign, stuck right in the lawn of the city library! Who knew that Pleasant Grove has a city ordinance that requires the residents to register with the city to get permission to hold a yard sale and hang signs.

All day Saturday, I think he thought we were having a competition to see who's junk was more valuable than the other person's junk. He wasn't too happy when I told him I sold his bike trailer for $10. He planned to ask $150 for it. Oops, it never would have sold at that price, but he says he would have rather kept it.

He was quick to tell me to let it go when I realized that when I sold my hat and the box to a lady for $1! She asked what I wanted for the hat box. I told her $1 and I asked if she saw that there was a hat in it. She asked if it was ok. I figured she was wondering if was ok that she took the box without the hat, so I said yeah. It was my fault for not double checking, I must have been distracted by some one else that I didn't make sure she left the hat. *sigh* oh well. I had held on to it for long enough.

I began to wrap it up at 1pm. I could feel my arms burning again under the sun. I told Frank that I would be taking anything that he didn't want to try to sell at his sister's house in a couple weeks in a load to DI. So I asked him to tell me what he wants saved. He mentioned a few things, then gave me permission to do with the rest as I saw fit.

He called an hour later, after already trying to reach me 3 times since he left. He wanted to know exactly what I had taken and what I had saved. I was so irritated. Then he began about how I have been treating him. He trys to analyze my behavior, but the truth is I am simply annoyed by him. I am always anxious to get off the phone with him after listening to his long winded lectures and memoirs. And when I do hear my phone ring with the Pinapple Rag that I set, I want to kill my phone....He called at least four more times within the following hour or two.

Dancing With Guy

After several weeks of no dancing for various reasons, I was set on going to the Skillet last Friday. As I was getting ready, Guy asked me if I was going dancing. I told him I was. He asked me if I could go with him. I told him I didn't know if they would allow kids there. He assured me that they like boys there. I tried to reason with him and I told him I would find out tonight if they would allow him to come next time.

I was hesitant because when I tried to take him to the MAC a few months ago, they informed me that they don't allow kids there. So, I didn't want to drive all the way up there for them to tell us that we can't come in like they did at the MAC.

To no avail. He was dead set on going with me. He kept saying how he just wants to watch me and how he would wait in the car for me to find out if he can come in and how he misses me when I go and I caved in. I had been wanting to take him with me anyway, just not especially that night because I knew I wouldn't get much dancing in and I hadn't been in some time. Opportunity presented it's self, so I figured I would take him with me.

I left at my usual tardy time, almost 10. I'm actually surprised he didn't fall asleep before we got there after the 30 minute drive. They were totally cool with having him there. It was no problem. Guy was pretty shy, but he got a friendly greeting from Raymond, (the non-member I started dating when I first moved out here, who is now engaged). He gave him a nice low five. (He barely says Hi to me anymore, I'm glad he was friendly with Guy.)

Guy was having a pretty good time watching the dancers and sitting on Mommy's lap and playing rock the boat by leaning to and frow. Of course no one was asking me to dance with Guy on my lap, so I asked [Tim], who was standing near by. He isn't my favorite person to dance with. He used to ask me when I first started coming out again, but I would never ask him, so now he hasn't aske me in a while either. At any rate, I was desperate and needed to get a dance in. He isn't a terrible dancer, just has a hard time finding the beat occasionally. I was cracking up because he lead some charlston move and somehow my impulse was to do a deep knee bend as if I was blues dancing. He scoffed. I guess it's been that long.

The room filled up quickly. I saw a whole gang of new people there and several other that I know, but have never seen at that venue. Guy wanted to go after a short while. I convinced him to stay a little longer, but I didn't get any more dancing in.

We headed home, but not without an emergency stop at a grocery store so Guy could go potty and to get an almost-midnight-after-dancing-keep-mommy-awake-snack.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Your Comments

I just now discovered the "Moderate comments" tab. I clicked and found and approved the comments that have been left since I have been back. They made some improvements in the security of the comments so that I have to approve them before they are posted. I am glad they finally made the change because I was really annoyed at the few advertisements I was getting in my comments. Some people have no shame.

Anyway, I wanted to say Thank You for your comments. I know I am probably breaking the hearts of some of my LDS readers, but I have no appologies. It's amazing how the stress, guilt, depression, frustration, and pressure have all vanished. I no longer feel the urgency to be rescued from my imaginary tower by a priesthood holder who will take me to the temple, and be sealed to Guy. I can live my life in the present...right here, right now...because that's when it's happening and I have been letting it slip away while reaching for something that I cannot control.

My Coming Out

Sunday night, I began researching some Art colleges. I had LA in my mind because they have both fashion and swing dancing! I requested some information from several colleges, as well as sent out a dozen more resumes.

Monday I got two phone calls from AIU following up on my request for more info about their Fashion Design and Merchandising BA degree program. I found it hard to answer their questions about when I would be prepared to attend school there because at present, I don't even have a job, let alone enough money to up and move to another state.

The second person I spoke with called me back the next day, as scheduled and we talked more about what my career plans are and my committment level, etc. When he begand talking about moving to LA, he could sense that I was a bit uncertain if and when I would be able to do that. He was coaxing me and told me how he moved there with only $200 in his pocket. I told him it would be different if it were just me, but I have a son that I am responsible for also, so I can't take such a risk as that. He understood and when he told me not be scared, I realized just how scared I was and it triggerd me to start crying. I tried to hide it, but couldn't for long. Then I tried to explain that there is much more going on in my life right now than my decision to go back to school. He seemed interested so I shared with him how I have been a Mormon and just recently decided to leave the church and I haven't told my parents yet because I know they will not take it well.

He was taken in. He had such empathy for me because, as he confessed he is gay and had to go through something similar with his conservative parents. He shared how he even had to have a guidance counselor to help him know how to be himself. He called this my "Coming Out" story.

He took me on as his own little project. He encouraged me to get out of my parents house and to make it my goal to work and save some money until the semester starts in September of this year so I can move to LA to follow my dream to become a Fashion Designer!

He said he would call me a couple times a month to follow up with me to see how I am progressing. He suggested I go to Apple One and gave me till the end of the week to do that. I had already planned on it, so I set up an appointment for the following day and applied online.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Nice to Meet You, Trixie. My Name is Trixie

It feels like so much more time has passed than only a few days since my "awakening". Today was the first Sunday since my decision to not return to church. I find myself having feelings of anxiety about my parents finding out about my recent change of heart. I knew I would not be going to church again, but I had to appear as though I was. Thankfully, I started attending the YA Ward, so I don't won't have to go come up with an excuse as to why I am not going with them to the family ward.

Instead of going to church when I left the house in a skirt and my scripture bag. I drove to the trail heads a few blocks away and hiked the short distance to the water storage unit. It is burried and covered with a cement top. I had to hold up my skirt to lift myselt up to it. I didn't remember the bench being there when I was there for the first time with my dad and Guy last week, but there it was for me to sprawl out on. I brought my scriptures and the Bible that I bought at the Dollar Tree last week that I planned to read from while in my solitude. I began with a prayer. It has been some time since I have said a sincere prayer. I thanked God for sending certain people into my life recently to direct me to the truth. I said how I want to get to know Him better. I asked Him to guide me as to what I needed to do next. I was quiet and still, for some time, but no answer came, so I turned to reading the Bible starting in Genesis.

The passages were familiar, yet strange. And I don't mean strangely familiar, because I knew exactly where I had heard them many times before. This time as I read them, they just seemed so far fetched to me. Perhaps I am just in a state of disbelief of everything. I'm not sure still where I stand with my relationship with God or Jesus Christ right now. I am still working on a relationship with Him.

I read as far as when Noah and his family were finally able to come out of the stinky, smelly, cramped arc after 7 months. I always remembered the story to be that it rained for 40 days and 40 nights. Well it did rain for that long, but then it took another several months for the water to run off or dry up before they found dry land. After learning from the petting farm yesterday that a horse will eat up to 2 tons of food each month! it seemed highly unlikely that they would possibly be able to store enough food for all the animals in the World for seven month on that little arc. I remembered one year in seminary we measured out on the church parking lot the measurements of the arc and it just seemed pretty far fetched to me.

It was getting a bit breezy up there so I headed back to my car. I still had an hour before church would get out so I couldn't go home yet. I just started driving. I found myself taking Geneva Road south toards Provo. The radio was playing some songs that really hit home to me. Then one mentioned dancing and I broke down a bit. Oh, how I miss dancing. There was not swing dancing at either venue last weekend. They have really dwindled in just the year since I moved here. I realized I need to be doing more dancing, even if that meant moving to another state where there is a larger scene or taking up a tap class....something, anything....I just need to dance!

I also remembered that I once wanted to be a fashion designer, but I gave up on that dream to be as Paul puts it a "good Mormon". Now I am free to be whatever I want to be. Now is my chance to break out of this shell and learn to be comfortable in my own skin.

Garage Sale

I held a garage sale on Saturday. Most of it was stuff that Frank brought down from his friend's parents' house. They are moving back to Florida. I contributed some of my own stuff too. I even parted with Guy's toddler Radio Flyer Car and the 50's buggy that he slept in.

We had a pretty steady stream of customers. Frank made some signs to help draw in the customers. We sold about 10 boxes of books, all of Guy's 2T clothes I put out got snached up and some maternity clothes and some men's suits, dress shirts and coats...and so much more. I tried to sell things off for cheap. I knew it would be better get rid of it than risk them becoming not interested and ending up having to keep it.

I think Frank was seeing dollar signs and I think he hoped that I would make enough for him to get a piece of the goods. I understood that he was doing me a favor. I actually lied to him about how much money I brought in. I made $380 total and I told him I made over $200. Well, considering after having to pay my speeding ticket of $227, I only had $150 left. Minus $50 to my parents for the reinstatement for the medical terminology course, that leaves me with $100 to buy Guy a pair of shoes, myself some underwear ;) and a few groceries.

Monday, I decided that I would have another garage sale this weekend. Then I got a call from Frank and he said he was planning on hauling the leftover stuff away and having a "real" yard sale. I suggested we make a joint effort where he can sell of the rest of the stuff that he contributed and I can pull out more stuff from my stash to sell and we could keep the profits from our own belongings.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

My Hidden Excitement

I am still adjusting to my newfound mental and spiritual freedom. I have to hold back in many ways from showing or speaking about what I am feeling because I am still afraid to let on to my parents that I am planning to leave the church. I imagine myself with my head pearing out of the frosted dome that I have been living in with the other members of the church. I can't share with them what I am seeing because I know they will refuse to look up and see what I see. Occasionally, I have to put my head back in and pretend that I didn't see anything.

I make reality checks with myself..."Do I still believe this...? no, and it feels right to me. I can't do that...wait, yes I can."

I have come to the point where I want to warn my family of the adverse affects of the church and enlighten them to the falsities. As I suspected, for the first time, I told an active-member friend that I am leaving the church, he felt an obligation to testify and convince me otherwise. He told me that Satan has a hold on me. He told me that I have been tricked because I am in a moment of weakness and unworthiness. He told me that I must have faith. I imagine I will be hearing those kinds of comments several more times in the near future. They did not phase me, only annoyed me.

Truthfully, I am really looking forward to buying my first pair of sexy underwear!

Friday, April 21, 2006

A Greater Conviction

I was up until 5 am reading a book online written by a former member of the church that tells about his conversion to Mormonism and then to Christianity....the contraditions between the Book of Mormon and the Bible.

Some of the subjects I read up on were: the symbols on the temple, the contradictions of Joseph Smith's testimony regarding what and who he saw and when, the rituals practiced with the Freemason Cult, the errors in the Book of Mormon and it's contradictions to the Bible, the 4,000 revisions and the forgery of the excerpts from the Bible.

I went to bed with an even stronger testimony that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is NOT true.

The next morning I realized that I couldn't relying on Paul to rescue me from having to relay my discovery to my parents. I decided that I would move out on my own as soon as I was able. I had a job interview this morning for a full time job with a temporary employment agency. If I get the job, I will work towards that goal of moving out within the next month.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

I Have Chosen A New Path

The following is an email in response to my old boyfriend that I contacted recently...

I have had some puzzling experiences lately concerning answers to prayers. I must make up the answers in my head, I guess, because they don't seem to be inspired.

I also don't feel like a loving Father in Heaven would disallow me to enter heaven because I cannot find a man to marry me in the temple.

I have been doing some reading about the history of the church and regarding the authenticity of the Book of Mormon and the ordinances within the Temple. I have come to the conclusion that Joseph Smith was a scam artist. There is no physical evidence that the stories in the Book of Mormon ever took place, although there has been sufficient archeological research. There are portions of the Temple endowment that have been removed before I ever entered, that are all together frightening and they came from the rituals exercised among the Masons of which Joseph Smith was a member.

I have lost my testimony in the LDS church. I still believe in Christ and I hope to find a way to keep that faith and worship him in a way that would be pleasing to him.

I am going to continue to see Patrick (Paul) and I am hopefull that it can be a long term relationship. If that does not work out, I don't know...I will cross that bridge when I get to it, but I cannot go back to church knowing what I know now. Although he may be a motive in my searching, I want to make it clear that he never encouraged me to question the church or make this decision, because I have done this on my own accord.

I have not found the courage to tell my parents yet. It may take me some time. I am still coming to terms with it myself. I do not expect this choice to make my life easier. It will, in fact complicate it considerably more than it already is. This is why I hesitated even considering taking such a step.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The Veil of Ignorance Has Been Lifted

I reached a turning point today. Yesterday, Paul informed me that he was planning to go on a date with a girl that he knows who has been interested in him in some time. He has been putting off going out with her because he was still hopefull that I would change my mind. We kept saying good-bye, but never letting go. He had finally given up waiting and decided that he needed to start dating again so that he can move on.

I should have expected as much. I think I took him for granted because I thought he would always be there for me to fall back on. I was feeling obligated to give a relationship with Superman a good try. I half way figured when he found out that I am not "worthy" that he would want nothing to do with me. That would be my last attempt to find a member to date, then I would be ready to date Paul more seriously.

I knew I could not ask Paul to wait for me and I would not even be able to go on a real date with Superman until June. I realized I needed to make a choice before then.

The only thing holding me back from going full speed ahead with Paul was the idea of a temple marriage. I still clung to that goal. So, I began to ask within myself, "What if there is no Temple Marriage?" "What if the Book of Mormon is not true?"

I admit that Paul was my motivation to begin my search, but I needed some answers to confirm or disprove my faith. I did a search on google under "mormon". I clicked on any links that were not official church websites or dating sites.

The first site I went to showed a video that disproved that the events in the Book of Mormon ever existed; geographically and archeologically. Not to mention that the language it was supposedly written in never existed. I will go into more detail about each of the sites I visited in another post.

Next I found a site that told about the changes in the "sacred" temple ordinances. It told about the punishments that were removed from the endowment cerimony in 1990, ten years before I ever entered. I was sickoned by what I was reading. They shared how the keys etc. came from the Freemason Cult, of which Joseph Smith was a member of.

My heart was breaking as I was staring at the screen, discovering that the things that I had been taugh since I was born was a lie. My goals came shattering down in front of me.

I look at the World and the people around me in a whole new light. I feel like Truman as in the Movie with Jim Carrey, The Truman Show, when he begins to question the World as he knows it and he starts searches for answers. He begins to recognize flaws in the events in his life and he ventures out in search for the truth.

It was so easy to discover the truth, it was only a few clicks of a button away. We are so scared as members to even question the doctrine that we are taught. We run the risk of having our temple recommends taken away if they should discover that we are questioning our faith by looking into other religions or any anti-mormon literature. I have always shrugged off any negative comments made by others, feeling sure in my faith.

I was and still am nervous about the impact my new knowledge will have on my life with my family and my future. I know they will not take it well. They could conceivably ask me to leave the house. I would prefer to be out of the house before I let on about it. That way I will not have to be under their rule and constantly judged and questioned by them.

I was using Paul as an escape from having to deal with it. I figured I could keep it a secret long enough from my parents until the moment before I moved to Austin to be with Paul.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Losing My Religion

The following is an email in response to my old boyfriend that I contacted recently...

I have had some puzzling experiences lately concerning answers to prayers. I must make up the answers in my head, I guess, because they don't seem to be inspired.

I also don't feel like a loving Father in Heaven would disallow me to enter heaven because I cannot find a man to marry me in the temple.

I have been doing some reading about the history of the church and regarding the authenticity of the Book of Mormon and the ordinances within the Temple. I have come to the conclusion that Joseph Smith was a scam artist. There is no physical evidence that the stories in the Book of Mormon ever took place, although there has been sufficient archeological research. There are portions of the Temple endowment that have been removed before I ever entered, that are all together frightening and they came from the rituals exercised among the Masons of which Joseph Smith was a member.

I have lost my testimony in the LDS church. I still believe in Christ and I hope to find a way to keep that faith and worship him in a way that would be pleasing to him.

I am going to continue to see [Paul] and I am hopefull that it can be a long term relationship. If that does not work out, I don't know...I will cross that bridge when I get to it, but I cannot go back to church knowing what I know now. Although he may be a motive in my searching, I want to make it clear that he never encouraged me to question the church or make this decision, because I have done this on my own accord.

I have not found the courage to tell my parents yet. It may take me some time. I am still coming to terms with it myself. I do not expect this choice to make my life easier. It will, in fact complicate it considerably more than it already is. This is why I hesitated even considering taking such a step.

A New Love From an Old Love

I ran into an old boyfriend from highschool on a networking website. I just sent him a quick not saying Hi. He was very surprised that I would even speak to him.

We went on our first date before I was quite 16 (it is strongly advised that kids refrain from dating until they are 16 and even then group dates are encouraged), but I was able to go because my parents were out of town, so they didn't know about it. We dated for several months then my parents found out about some of his dealings and they forbade me to see him. I continued to sneak over to friends houses and school functions in order to see him without telling my parents. I remember one day he and my friend walked from Folsom High School all the way to Bella Vista, in Fair Oaks, to come visit my friends and I.

So, we got to talking and I shared with him what I have been going through lately about my feelings towards the church. He told me some things that I really needed to hear. That I don't hear when I go to church. He joined the church as a youth, but he has not been attending for the last few years because of the way people treated him.

I want to share part of one of the letters he sent:


.........I would think that you have always and probably will always struggle a little when searching for people that have much in common with you. I know that I have a terrible time finding people with things in common, but I'm very fortunate in the fact that I don't really care anymore. It doesn't matter to me if there is anyone else dancing to the music that I'm listening to....

....
Something for you to understand is that you are not perfect...i know i know it's hard to believe but you aren't. What's even harder to believe is that that is okay. Something I was always so worried that you would lose sight of is the fact that your relationship with your heavenly father is simply that. It's YOUR relationship with your Heavenly Father. Your parents, your brother your friends approval or disapproval does nothing to affect his opinion of you or that relationship. We learned that Christ died for our sins a long time ago, and everything that you are dealing with has already been paid for, there is no benefit in berrating yourself, flogging yourself, or even blogging yourself into a pulp because you made a mistake. You were supposed to make those mistakes, you were supposed to fail, you were supposed to come to this earth and be human and so far you are doing a fantastic job.

You cannot lose your standing in the church, if you understand that what makes up the church is your relationship with God. It is not up to the bishopric to decided who is worthy or unworthy of anything, it is up to you to decide what is right and what is wrong.

There is no one's love in this world that you are unworthy of. I can tell you right now though that based on your life with your parents you believe that you are unworthy of a lot. Get over it. Understand once and for all that there is nothing you can do about yesterday, there is nothing you can do about anything that has happened before the exact nanosecond you are existing in. Based on that knowledge you have a choice. You can chose to spend the next precious moments of your life wallowing in something which will do absolutely nothing, or you can decide to live life the best way you know how as a human.

.....
The only thing that will truly prevent you from being happy is your own unwillingness to forgive yourself the way the God you worship already has, and allow love into your life which is all Heavenly Father really wants for you anyways.


It felt so good to hear some loving words of encouragement. It is true that I am very hard on myself. I get a lot of pressure from my parents to do what is "right" so that I can be "worthy" of the blessings the Lord has for me (ie: a man take me to the temple and support me).

Monday, April 17, 2006

Easter With Superman

I got up on Sunday about the time I should have been leaving to go to church. Every one else trickled out the door as I began an attempt to make some Hot Cross Buns, as I traditionally do for Easter, ever since my mission and Sister Heslip made the most delicious buns that they toasted with butter and poured maple syrup over. I got the recipe from her, but I have never been sucessful at making them as good as hers.

This time I planned to use some bread mix that Kari gave me that had a recipe on the package for Hot Cross Buns. I think I foiled it right from the start when I followed the directions that said to mix the yeast with the dough and then add the hot water. I think the hot water changed the mix and caused it to not rise. Another batch gone wrong.

Superman was scheduled to come at One o' clock. I scurried around making some finishing touches towards tidying the house. Guy went outside with Grandpa to use his new bouncing ball. I was just finished getting ready when my brother made the announcement that HE is here. Everyone else got to him before I came out. Boy, were the eyes on us.

I greeted him and shook his hand. He met Guy and my parents. He was pretty friendly with Guy, but he was acting shy like he always does at first. He asked Guy if he could trade eyes with him and he complimented me on my outfit. Superman talked to my dad about the Real Estate market while Guy did his ritualistic show-and-tell of his toys. I sat close by and payed some interest to Guy and listened in on the conversation between Superman and my father.

We sat next to each other at the dinner table. He was expecting my mother to serve everyone because that is the custom in Ecuador. He must have been disappointed when I asked him to pass the salad. Hehe.

I was feeling pretty shy. It was a situation I have never been in. One, I have never been set up in this way. Two, I have never seen my family so interested in a suitor for me that actually came to dinner at our house. Three, they were actually talking me up, quite blatently.

They all took turns asking him questions about himself. Most of which I already knew the answers to after chatting with him. He shared his conversion story with us, and I could see the excitement in their eyes because of his strong convictions and feelings about the church. He told how he grew up in the Caltholic faith and he was very active in the youth program there. Even so that he would go around to other Catholic services and preach to or lead in some way in the activities of the youth. At some point when he was 18 years old, he found that there were some questions that the Catholic church either skimmed over or could not answer to his satisfaction. He said that he began to search for the answers to his questions in other faiths. This is what brought the Mormon Missionaries to his door. He asked them his questions before they began the discussions. He was satisfied with their answers and so they began with the discussions. On the Second discussion they showed him a picture of the Temple. He was so impressed with it that he set his own baptismal date for the following Sunday so that he could enter the Temple in one year from that date. Immediately after he became a member, they called him to be a counselor in the Young Men's program. Only two weeks after than, the Young Men's President was called to be the Bishop and subsequently, he was called to be the YM President, only two weeks after being baptized! He made grand efforts to reactivate the youth in the ward and bringing other youth to the church. When he joined the church he also set a goal to go on a mission and he earned and saved the money that he needed to do so. He served amond his native people. My family was grinning from ear to ear. Superman appeared calm, yet enthusiastic as he spoke. But still, there were times that I could sense his subtle quivering of nervousness.

Then my father mentions how I was an excellent missionary and actually baptized several people into the church. I interjected, "Well, not personally." Then they bragged about how I was a traveling sister and I was priveliged to attend the meetings with the Zone Leaders. And how my mission President wanted to keep me there. I was not used to hearing such praise.

When my mother served her Heber City Carrot Cake, the subject turned to food. Superman mentioned that he enjoys cooking, but that he hasn't got the hang of baking. Almost all at once, they began telling him how great of a baker I am. They even went as far as to say that I should make a cookbook. I hardly think I am up for such a task. I only have a few favorite recipies that I like to make. Kari told him about when I used to send them carfefully decorated sugar cookies in the mail for the holidays and how they used to devour them. I'm sure I was blushing by then.

He had an activity with his ward that he was obligated to attend, so he didn't stay long after dinner. My mom sent some carrot cake with him and suggested we give him some of the Hot Cross Buns I made. I was reluctant. I had tasted one earlier and figured they were not worth the calories. Kari helped make excuses for me as to why there not very good, (after she had just boasted about my baking skills). She blamed it on the old mix that she gave me. Regardless, we put a few in a bag for him, so he could throw them away in his garbage can as I did a few days later with the remainder of the buns.

He thanked every one and said good-bye. I walked him to his car. He commented again about my outfit and said that it reminds him of what they might wear in the a Latin country because of the bright colors and also by my jewelery. I had on a bright green blowse and my black hipster pants, and a new green necklace and dangly earrings. Now, I finally had something to say. I told him that my wardrobe is influenced by many styles, eras and cultures. He suggested that we go salsa dancing some time. I agreed. He explained that he won't be able to go out again for a while because he will be having company the following weekend and then he will be gone for the next month for business. So, it won't be until June that he will be available again.

We told each other how it was nice to meet the other in person and he went on his way.

My family was pretty pleased with themselves with how well it all went. Personally, I felt awkward, embarassed and put on display. I was even feeling a bit intimidated. I could see my family had high hopes for us. What a new sensation it was for my family to be excited about the me seeing some one. It was only one date. I still hardly felt like I got to know him. The two of us barely spoke to each other.

It was way too soon for me to assess my feelings for him. He was handsome, to be sure. He is charming, intelligent, spiritual-including regular temple attendance, responsible, steady, confident, and slightly humorous (perhaps more so under less of a pressured situation), not to mention that he dances-still to be determined how well, but interested none-the-less. He is all the things that I ever thought I wanted, yet so far from the type of guy that I am accustomed to dating.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

The Perfect Set-up

Last Saturday, my brother attended a missionary reunion for his mission to Ecuador. It was important for him to attend this one because it could possibly be the lat time his mission president would be able to attend. I guess he’s getting up there in age and doesn’t feel like he will be able to travel here for the reunions any more. Kari kept begging him to not go because she hates having to explain to all the RMs and their wives why they don’t have any children yet and that they are both still going to school.

They went in spite of her pleading. Aaron met up with one of the RMs who was a native to Ecuador and who now lives in Salt Lake. They did not serve together, but they knew each other through companions that served with the other. They were discussing Temple attendance, which was probably spawned by the mission president’s comments about his experiences as a Temple President for many years. We shall call this RM Oliver. He shared how he and his girlfriend at the time used to attend the temple every week. But when they broke up, he found it difficult to go alone, but he still attends about once a month.

I must say that I agree with him. It is very humbling to attend the temple as a single person. I generally go on my own, instead of with a ward or group. The few times that I have gone with a Young Adult Ward, it seems that I wasn’t as self conscious. But, even so, there is a constant marital thread throughout the Temple ceremonies.

Kari thought of me as they were talking and she totally talked me up to him. She told him and I am hot and that I am an amazing dancer, etc. He became interested and they all decided that they would arrange for us to meet. He gave them his email address and phone number to give to me. Aaron and Kari were so excited to tell me about him that they called me from their cell phone as they were leaving to tell me about him.

When they got home they shared with me a picture of him that they took secretly with their cell phone. From what I could tell, he seemed handsome. Kari assured me that he is haute. They went on to tell me how he likes to salsa dance and he works in accounting and he almost just bought a house, etc.

So, of course I am interested to find out what he is about. Sunday morning everyone was asking me if I have contacted him yet. Was I supposed to call him in the night or something? No, of course I hadn’t contacted him yet. But, I had already taken a picture of myself when I got home from church because people keep telling me that my pictures don’t do me justice or that they make me look old. I didn’t realize they were so bad, so I just took something different hoping they might look half way decent. Everyone just calm down. So, I sent him an email including my best new picture, first thing after lunch and added him to my contacts on yahoo. He came on for a few minutes. We chatted just long enough to say hello, good bye. He has to wake up early in the morning, but he promised he would be on the next evening when he got home from the gym.

I found out quite a bit about him from chatting with him. And everything impressed me. I learned that he converted to the church when he was 18, then served a mission at 19. He is the only convert in his family. He has lived in about 6 other countries and he likes America the best. He has written 4 books. He can spell. He has a good job. He loves kids. I told him that I have been married before and he asked if I have any kids. I told him one and he asked how old. He seemed pretty enthusiastic about my having a son and made a comment about what a fun age three is, then said but all the ages are fun.

He told me that he wants to serve another mission and that he wants to be a Temple President. He was telling me that he is looking for a semi-large house on some nice property with a creek running through it. He says the reason he is looking for a house is because he has qualified to become a Foster Father, except that he will need to be in a house to do so. He said he has wanted to have 13 kids, but he feels it is too late now so he wants to be a foster parent and adopt.

I was continually impressed and I told him so. His response was that he is not telling me these things to impress me. I could tell that because it was only with my asking that he gave me more thorough answers. I got personal and asked him about any girlfriends in the picture or in his case, why there weren’t any. He told me how he was in love with this girl several years ago. When it didn’t work out, he was heart-broken for three years. He is only recently starting to date again, but even so he doesn’t do much of it. Compared to myself who just broke up with my fiancĂ© two months ago and have been on I think 6 dates already, I felt a little cold-hearted.

I asked him what he is looking for. He went on with something about having some one that is a friend, that he can be open and honest with, etc. I regret that I don’t remember more specifically what he said because he said it very eloquently. I think I just brushed it aside thinking, eh yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.

Then he asked me what I am looking for. I told him I am having a hard time find just an active member of the church who has a job, a car, and can speak English…then to top it off with my undying love of dancing. I will be doing good to find just those qualities. He found this pretty amusing and told me that I am funny. I laughed with him, but I told him I wished I was joking.

He became conscientious of his spelling after I said that. I assured him that he had already passed that test. I told him how amazed I was how some American’s can get through High School, some even college and still have bad grammar. Kari says that one can hardly detect his accent either.

So, basically he seems like Superman to me. I was waiting for him to ask me out, and Aaron and Kari kept asking if he had yet too. They suggested inviting him over to dinner some time for us to meet. I told them I would prefer to meet with him one on one because I didn’t want to have the pressure of the family while trying to make a first impression. They seemed to understand, but Aaron felt that he might have been waiting for him to set something up for us, per their conversation at the reunion and also knowing the Ecuadorian custom of the man asking the permission of the father to date the daughter. So he takes the liberty of inviting him to spend Easter Sunday with us. I guess I’ll be going along with that now.

Tomorrow is Easter and I feel like I have been trying to get my life in order in one day. Aside from walking to the church with Guy for a little Easter Egg Hunt, I have been working around the house all day…putting the frame under Guy’s new bed mattress, cleaning up the mess I made getting the frame down in the garage loft when the florescent light fixture slid down from the top and the bulbs shattered all over the floor, changing and washing Guy’s comforter and sheets and cleaning the wall from the pink salt water taffy that he was hiding in his bed and spit out because it was too hot that stuck be between his comforter and the wall, washing and putting away about 5 loads of laundry, trying to stash the boxes of about 200 car magazines in the play room that I have been posting, cleaning the bathroom (including hanging the clock and pictures that have been sitting on the shelf in there since we moved in), filing papers in the filing cabinet that we picked up after the egg hunt, coloring Easter eggs, filling eggs with candy. If only there was one other item of business that I could correct in a few hours.

I kind of feel like this is my last shot at finding a member of the church to marry and I also feel like I have already spoiled my chances. I don’t want start out a relationship by keeping secrets, yet there’s one that I would rather not tell him.

I guess we will see what tomorrow brings…

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Visiting Hours Are Over

X and I agreed that Guy could visit with him for a few days now that he is in his new place. I told him that I might bring him up on Sunday night. That didn't work out for me, so I figured I would bring him on Monday morning. I finally got myself and Guy ready about 11. I didn't have any way to contact X because he still doesn't have a phone in his new place yet. So I took a chance and headed on up there so I could concentrate on the transcribing.

I found his appartment from the directions that he left for me on my phone with the last few minutes of his phone card. I knocked, but no answer. I tried a few more times and nothing. I left him a note by his door in the convenient little clips they have nailed in the wall. I figured we would go get some lunch then try again later. Still no answer. So we went across the street to the playground for another 30 minutes and tried one more time to reach X. No luck, so we started out on our 50 minute drive back home. I felt like it was a wasted day.

General Conference

My mother was given six tickets from the Bishop in exchange for giving a talk in Sacrament meeting. I have never been to General Conference before and I looked forward to going. Our tickets were for the morning-session on Sunday. My mother prepared a pic-nic lunch that we took with us to have after conference.

The traffic was pretty crazy getting to temple square. They were well organized though, even prepared for the Anti-Mormon demonstrations. There were policemen directing traffic and pedestrians. The demonstrators were shouting at all the people going to and from the conference center. Making such claims that we are vain and we need to give our hands to service to the Lord, etc. Umm, hello....we do.

We get to the door to enter and we are giving them our tickets and when they see Guy they ask him how old he is. Then they explain to us that they do not allow children under the age of 8 to sit in the conference center durring Conference and they kindly point out on the back of the ticket where it states this rule. So they tell me that they will have to escort Guy and I to the overflow theatre. Oh, great. It didn't even occur to me that he would not be able to behave through the two hours of the meeting.

I was actually glad to be alone durring one talk in particular. It was directed towards those who are feeling broken and discouraged. I was in tears durring the talk, because that is exactly how I was feeling. Guy fell asleep on my lap 30 minutes into the meeting. He was still sleeping when my mother and brother came up to me and offered to stay with Guy for me while I went in to the Conference Center. That was so thoughtful of them.

I went to the side door to try to get into the meeting. I had my ticket with me and I explained to the man at the door why I was entering so late. He couldn't comprehend how I would know where to go or how I could find a seat. He's standing there holding the door cracked only enough for him to stand in, looking dumfounded saying he's not supposed to let anyone in through that door, etc. I was patient, but not in the mood to argue with him so, I began to turn around and go back to where I came from. Then he calls to me, "wait, so are you with a group?" "Yes." I tell him. "Well, let me see your ticket, come on in."

I found my way to where my dad and Kari were sitting. I got there just a few minutes before President Hinkley's turn to speak. He's such a marvelous man. Hearing him talk about how he misses his wife was sweet. I loved that he spoke on such a personal level.

After Conference, we chose to go to Liberty Park for our pic-nic. We had tuna sandwiches. Then we all enjoyed watching Guy play on the playground. Aaron and I had played challenger on the see-saw. We even took some pictures, which I may post later.

I told Frank Saturday that I might be able to meet up with him Sunday evening, but I crashed when we got home and I didn't wake up until 5, so I didn't have time to meet up with him and I didn't bother to call either.

He called me Tuesday seeking closure in our relationship. He had a conversation with his sister and he mentioned that he had given me some money. They concluded that I would need to pay him back in order for him to obtain that closure. I told him I would, but I knew it wouldn't be possible right away. Frank was not aware of the new situation with my father and that my parents were now asking me for rent. When I finally shared this with him, he felt badly for asking for the money back. It's not as if I asked him for a loan. He wanted to do me a favor, so he offered it to me without any strings attached. He was satisfied in knowing that I was willing to pay it back, then told me I do not need to unless I want to or am able to in the future. Gesh!

It Ain't Over Til It's Over

Although I have tried to break up with Paul a few times, we still haven't managed to stop chatting with each other. It's like my relationship with Utah. I try to stay away, but I keep ending up here.

Well, Paul decided to take the iniciative to make it final. He told me there was a possibility that he could come see me last weekend, but he did not find out what his plans were for work until Thursday. I didn't hear much from him durring the day and he fell asleep before I called him back that night. I still did not know if he was planning to come or not and he was not answering his phone. Eventually I assumed he wasn't.

He finally called Saturday evening. He didn't realize that he had left me in the dark about visiting and he apologized to me for not filling me in. We talked about the joys of parents, which we don't usually talk about much over the phone. I was getting the impression that he was having feelings of dismay with the way he was trying to keep the conversation casual and the way I hadn't heard from him much in the past couple days.

My impression was right. I got an email from him on Sunday expressing some concerns in our relationship. He felt like my beliefs and lifestyle were too different from the direction that he would like to see our relationship go. He was concerned that I would be unhappy if I strayed too far from my current faith.

This was also my concern and I had expressed it several times, but hearing him say it was like hitting a brick wall. I saw it coming and I was trying to stop myself, then I tried to swerve around it. To no avail, I hit it going full speed.

I toughened up and took it well. It was like a relief even. We haven't talked on the phone since and we don't chat late at night and for a while we didn't chat much either.

We still miss each other and we are chatting a little more in the day again. I am still torn about what to do.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

You Want to Know Why? I'll Tell You Why...

X calls from time to time to check up on guy and I. He even shared with me how his Bishop's interview went. For a while I thought I could use his help with watching Guy. Knowing that I no longer had daycare benefits, I figured he could do me the favor of watching him a couple days of the week for me.

I left Guy with him one day and he was fine, as I knew he would be. Then X moved and he does not have a phone now, but he has called from work occasionally. One time I was talking to Paul in the wee hours of the morning and I get another call coming through. I didn't know who it was because X uses a calling card, so it's a different # each time. I figured I better see who it was. It was X. He didn't expect me to answer, but he felt the urge to call me to tell me about the experience he just had at work. He works the grave yard shift in a bodily waste disposal, and I don't mean a sewer plant. They actually incinerate bodies/body parts, human and animal. It is a grim job, but one adjusts, or something.

He told me how he became disturbed when down the conveyer belt, in a crate came a dead baby. It tore him up inside to think about how a little life was wasted. It humbled him, when he thought about the way he broke up our family.

He appologized for calling so late and let me go. He called the next day and appologized again. Then he told me how he continues to think about us getting back together. He is lonely and his appartment is too big for just himself. He is uninterested in going to the Single's ward although his Bishop and his apartment manager have encouraged him to do so.

He shared another experience with me that he had last summer while he was with his girlfriend. They were at some art fair or some event where they had a palm reader. X decided to have his palm read. The two of them went into the tent. When the palm reader looked into his had, she asked if she could speak to him alone and excused his girlfriend. She told him that his girlfriend is not his true love. She said that he once had his true love and he still longs for her.

He interpreted that to mean that I was his true love that he has lost. But she's the one he had tatooed in color the whole length of his forearm! Doesn't that indicate true love?! hehe

The point of his call was to find out if I felt that there was any chance of us getting back together because he has been going around with it his mind. I told him that I did not feel that there was any chance of that happening. I could hear the disappointment in his voice.

The only reason he remembers that I left him for was that he decided to leave the church. He told me about a couple that he knew in one of his wards growing up. The wife became inactive for a time, but he was confident that she would come back, and eventually she did. He wished that we could have been like them. I told him he is fortunate to have forgotten everything that happened to cause our break up.

The truth was that when he called me from his art studio in the middle of the night to tell me that he wanted to become a vegitarian and practice worship in the Native American way by smoking tobacco and drinking alcohol, yes I told him that I would leave him if he decided to leave the church. I said it as more of a threat, hoping that he might change his mind and stick it out. Of course that didn't happen.

Instead it was me who gave in. I remember raking leaves in the yard thinking to myself what I should do. Do I leave him to be thrown back into the lds dating pool of YA dances and firesides? Only, this time I would have a handicap, I would be stamped- DESPERATE DIVORCED SINGLE MOTHER. That thought alone kept me from packing my bags any time soon. I dreaded the single scene the first round, how could I bare it again with the scarlet letters DM?

No, I will stick it out with X, I told myself. I chose to marry him and I am going to stand by my choice. So what if there are times that I want to kill him, if he were only here long enough for me to poison him. At least then, if I got away with it I would only be a widdow rather than a divorcee. I made the choice to stay, or at least I hadn't made the choice to leave, yet. Maybe it was the phone call the next night where he woke up in a sweat after having a dream that I left him and he was miserable.

Even thought he had gone through 3 jobs in the first four months we lived there and sacrificed the rent money on our house to buy a shed in the back yard for him to paint in so he can be a full time artist. And sacrificed it again when he rented a studio in Bountiful. The rent for his studio was always paid, but the rent on the house was a few months behind. The utilities were all on the verge of being shut off and the phone already was for a few weeks before I left. There was darn little food in the house except for some expired boxes of scalloped potatoes that were given to us. I was left at home with a new baby with an ear infection that I had to take on the bus to the Dr. and carried about a mile to walk home. If we had enough change, I could take the laundry in the stroller through the snow to the laundrymat. If we didn't have the change, I did laundry in the bathtub. I don't recommend it to pregnant mothers in their last term or within a month after giving birth. There were three days where I was sick with what may have been food poisoning. I could not consume anything without immediately throwing it up, including water. I could not produce milk to nurse my son and he refused to take the bottle. I thought I was on my death bed. I figured no one would even know for a few days if I did die. X did not come home the whole time I was sick. He called once a day and I told him I was sick but he didn't bother to come home to try to help me. Besides, our conversations usually ended with a hangup. There wasn't a day I didn't break down in tears. But I was going to stick by my man....

Actually, after he told me that he was going to leave the church and I was willing to accept it, we even bonded a little bit. He traded a painted for several free haircuts at a beauty salon, so he sent me there to get a new hair do that he designed for me. It was two toned, purple and platinum.

It wasn't until Valentines Day when I took him out to a 24 hour Mexican restaurant with some money that I had stashed away from sewing patches on letterman jackets, that I finally made the decision to leave him. We didn't say much through dinner and when we got home, he let me out of the car and kept his distance from me, and prepared to take off again. We used to kiss upon greeting and departing. I called him on it and I said to him, "You never touch me anymore." He became self-conscious and said, "Well tell the neighbors, why don't you?"

So I yelled, out loud, "YOU NEVER TOUCH ME ANYMORE!!" Then he begins walking inside to finish our conversation in private. He told me that since his dream that I left him, in his mind it had already happened. I figured if I was already a ghost, why was I hanging around? I told him I will be calling my parents the next day and I will be gone as soon as possible. He didn't argue with me and he went on his way.

*And THAT, Dear X is the reason I left you.*

I mentioned briefly to him a few of the situations above to help him understand that I really had no choice but to leave him as a matter of survival.

He seemed to think that I should be able to forgive and forget what has happened in the past. I believe I have forgiven him and I try every day to forget, but that doesn't mean I need to subject myself to that again. Even if he has changed since then, it's not enough. It would be too painful for me because I know those memories would come flooding back. Now that I have the choice to make over again I say, "No, thanks."

Even after all that, he accused me of being fearful of how my parents would react to us getting back together, which granted would not be a pretty sight, but it was only a small fraction of the influences in my decision.

Can an X Ever Be a Y?

I guess I'm not ready to tackle my trip to Sacramento yet, so I'll bring up another subject that I have overlooked. Not that it's new subject, but it was a new development in an old subject.

I mentioned that I got a call from X while I was in San Francisco. In his message he told me that he had to leave work early because this was so heavy on his mind that he couldn't concentrate. He said that he has the desire to go back to church and he also said that he wants to get back together with me! Just like that. As if he can just put a testimonial band-aid on what happened and call it fixed.

I had to put it back on the shelf for when I got back into town. The night I get in, he calls me up and told me about his first day back to church and how the members reacted to him and his mustache. We arranged to meet the next evening to share some of his thoughts and feelings with me.

I was still dealing with my feelings for Paul from the weekend and then facing being officially unemployed and he could see the stress on my face. He asked what was troubling me and I told him about my job situation etc. So he asked me if I could use some money. I told him it would help. He had the nerve to say that all I had to do was ask. I told him that he can assume that I will always need help financially from him, but that I have never counted on it. He actually offered to transfer $60 to my paypal account. (..and he did, it was the first time he has given me any money since I left him 3 years ago.) He told me that he is planning to start paying child support regularly from now on. He even said he wants to pay $150/mo, $50 more than we agreed to.

We moved on and he told me about some experiences that he has had that led him to the feeling that we should be together. He mentioned a conversation with his mother where she told him that we complimented each other, or that she felt like I was the one for him or something.

He also said that he has continued to have futuristic dreams and that I have been in them. I have always known him to have these visions. There were several that I knew of that took place after he shared them with me. I think he feels unworthy of them and he doesn't know how to deal with them at times, so he tries to oppress them and avoids sharing them.

Then he discussed the desire to return to church and how his patriarchal blessing even mentions something that illudes to him falling away and coming back strong. He shared how his friends look to him as a spiritual leader. He is anxious to get involved again and he wanted to be able to call on me for support in his spiritual journey because he looks to me for knowledge of the Gospel.

He even said that he would like to be able to afford my rent for an appartment of my own within the next few months. He thinks he is rich just because he has a job that pays above minimum wage now.

He is still a damn good salesman. That, or I am still gullible. But this time I left my purse in the car so I wouln't buy anything. I made no promisses. I even opened up to him a little with what I was going through with dating and my conflicting answers to prayers and my feelings for Paul. I even spilled how I have been questioning my testimony because of it all. His reply was, "You shouldn't do that." Hahaha! as if he is one to give advice in this matter! He goes to church one time after more than three years and already he is a Saint.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Creative Juices Are Flowing

It's just after midnight and I'm up because I was supposed to get back to Paul after putting Guy to bed, but apparently he fell asleep and I don't want to go back to bed yet. I put on some Belle and Sebastian and it has put me in a creative mood. I want to create a masterpiece. I have felt so stunted lately. I wish I could get over this hurdle to move on and allow my heart and mind to open up to creativity again.

I remember when I took on the project of painting the black bookshelves to look like wood for my bedroom. It took me about 5 hours to put on all the layers of paint and the texturing and the mixing of paint. I didn't really know how they would turn out and I was inspired along the way as to how to get the look I wanted. And when they were done, I felt so satisfied.

I feel like I am being held back in the....like 17th grade and I can't graduate until I pass the final test, which is to get married. I need to let go, pick up the pieces, shed the garbage and move on with my life before it passes me by. "Please Lord, help me let go." The Spirit is confirming this to me as I am writing this. My grip is so tight after clinching the dream for so long.

I took Guy to the park last week while we were waiting for his Dad to show up at his house, but that's another story. When we first got there, let him go play while I layed on the grass and looked up into the sky. I couldn't remember the last time I had done that. What a peaceful feeling it brought. It was a beautiful day. The sky was pure blue dispursed with white fluffy clouds. It was short lived because Guy realized he needed to go potty.

I am just realizing how much catching up I have to do on here. I think I will get busy filling you in...

Thursday, April 06, 2006

A Late Night Chat

The following is a conversation with a guy I met online last summer, before I met Frank. He lives on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, so we have never met, but we keep in touch and tell each other the latest on our boyfriends/girlfriends. He was engaged around the same time I was but it didn't work out for them either. Now he is seeing a new girl that he is hoping to marry.

He used to read my blog while we were getting to know each other. I asked him the other day if he still reads it. He admitted that he doesn't because he didn't feel comfortable reading it, but he came on and read my recent posts and expressed concern for me.

I am sharing this conversation because it expresses some of my rationalizations I have made lately. Some issues I might address more, and others I may not.

Norm says:
you and your blogging!!
Trixie says:
I know, I know
Trixie says:
it's my therapy
Trixie says:
next to dancing
Norm says:
I know...just kidding ya..
Trixie says:
and dancing hasn't brought me much joy lately
Norm says:
Really?
Norm says:
Tell me more about Paul...
Trixie says:
actually, it's the lack of dancing
Trixie says:
I am disppointed every time I go to a dance, I am pretty sure I am invisible
Trixie says:
well...
Trixie says:
he is 38, divorced, has a 9 year old daughter
Trixie says:
he lives in Texas, about 1000 miles away
Trixie says:
he works for a company that sells software for medical professionals
Trixie says:
he does the training and installation
Norm says:
hmmmm...thats good....
Trixie says:
so he travels a lot
Trixie says:
yes, he has a very good job, for once!
Trixie says:
so, he is some times able to swing it to come through Salt Lake
Trixie says:
and he gets free air miles and that is how he was able to fly Guy and I out to San Francisco last month
Norm says:
thats good too.... so ....
Trixie says:
he doesn't drink, or smoke and he is a vegitarian
Norm says:
would you move to Texas?
Trixie says:
sure
Norm says:
when are you thinking?
Trixie says:
we don't have any plans
Trixie says:
he has not asked me to marry him, just talk
Trixie says:
we still have some issues to resolve
Norm says:
I really do think it is hard for Sisters in the church if they cannot find someone...
Trixie says:
mostly having to do with my religion
Norm says:
especially if they have been married...
Norm says:
what are they?
Norm says:
not being nosey....I just care about you Trixie...
Trixie says:
yes, I am finding it hard to find any good men left over
Trixie says:
I know
Norm says:
just dont want you to make another big mistake...even if he does have a good job...
Trixie says:
he just doesn't want me to rush into it and he is being very honest about what it would be like to be married to him because he has a lot more liberal views about things than I do
Norm says:
hmmmm....a bit worrying Trixie...
Norm says:
what does 'liberal' mean to him?
Trixie says:
whatever you may imagine it to be, he is
Trixie says:
very accepting, and open minded
Norm says:
hmmmm....I just want you to be very careful....
Norm says:
you may end up getting more hurt in the long run....
Trixie says:
I know, that worries me too
Trixie says:
I know that I would be settling...
Trixie says:
but at this point, I feel like it is the best I can do...
Norm says:
You may want to be married so that you are not on your own....but it could be worse for you...
Trixie says:
every member that I meet is either unworthy of me or not interested
Neal says:
I know ...I can see how you see it...
Trixie says:
I wish I were not so dependent and it is something I am working on, just not happening fast enough
Trixie says:
and I have become a burden on my parents...
Trixie says:
my dad is loosing his job and my mother has not found one yet and they are going to be asking me for rent starting next month
Norm says:
oh dear...that is stress....
Trixie says:
and any job I take, I have to pay for daycare although the state will help me once I am imployed, but that's won't last forever.
Trixie says:
yes
Trixie says:
and my dad's health is not good
Norm says:
I was very concerned about that whole situation at the beginning...
Trixie says:
they are having a hard time finding a job that comes close to the wages they were making in California
Trixie says:
my brother and his wife are also having a hard time paying their portion of the rent
Trixie says:
and they are both still in school
Trixie says:
... both working part time
Norm says:
yeap...thats bad all round...
Trixie says:
and we just moved into this new house
Trixie says:
I realize I am looking for an escape
Norm says:
Thats was my worry....and families under those stresses have real problems emotionally..
Norm says:
one leaning on the other...it causes rifts...
Trixie says:
but after all the rejection I get from the young college students, it's nice to have some one that cares for me
Trixie says:
we actually get along pretty good, until I pulled that stunt last weekend
Trixie says:
..or the weekend before, rather
Norm says:
Yes...I understand that...but that situation is not good....you need your own space Trixie...
Norm says:
stunt or no stunt...
Trixie says:
not that we don't get along now, but they are raising their expectations of me
Trixie says:
yes, it's true. I do
Trixie says:
I would like to be making enough money at this job where I could move out on my own
Trixie says:
but I really don't know when that can be a reality
Norm says:
Thats what does concern me...their expectations of you under these circumstances...
Trixie says:
I am barely holding myself together
Trixie says:
it is so difficult for me to concentrate on the training
Norm says:
yeap...I know what is was like for me...
Trixie says:
on top of it, I have to answer to my exs
Trixie says:
...who want this or that from me and want to get back together
Trixie says:
[X] promised to start paying child support, but all I have seen is $60
Norm says:
oh dear....
Trixie says:
I have no daycare right now, which the state was subsidising for me while I was working, but because I am not technically employed, they can't pay any for me
Trixie says:
I have been on food stamps since I moved here
Trixie says:
I am so tired of being sooo very dependent
Trixie says:
and so many people asking so much of me
Trixie says:
I really just want to run away
Norm says:
You have to do the right thing Trixie...
Norm says:
get some help....
Trixie says:
I have been trying to do the right thing
Trixie says:
and I have been so strong for so long
Trixie says:
it has drained me
Norm says:
thats the only way you will start getting out of your situation...you have to start feeling better in your mind...
Trixie says:
that means I can't date any more or go to any more dances because they send me spiralling downward
Norm says:
I know you have been trying...
Trixie says:
God knows I have
Norm says:
mmmm....
Norm says:
What do you think is the best way to go?
Trixie says:
I could...
Trixie says:
break up with Paul, and continue to live with my parents until I can get on my feet, and repent with the possible risk of being excommunicated.
Trixie says:
if I ever do
Norm says:
That would be hard...but its the right way....
Trixie says:
and continue to date around and continue to be disappointed, or broken hearted from rejection
Trixie says:
wait around until Guy is 10 years old and I am too old to have more children, so I will adopt my 60 year old husband's teen agers
Trixie says:
actually they would probably be college age
Norm says:
okay...okay....i know what youre saying...
Trixie says:
I mean what is the point of marrying a member for eternity that I only partly like when I could marry a best friend for this life?
Trixie says:
I know this life is short
Trixie says:
but I have to get through it some how
Trixie says:
it would be different if I didn't have a child
Trixie says:
I hate to say it, but it's true...
Trixie says:
I would be able to focus on a career and not have to worry about daycare or being available for him, if he is sick
Trixie says:
and I would't be concerned with finding him a father...
Trixie says:
I hear him talking to himself about who his dad is and he has me pretend that I am his dad
Norm says:
but he has to be the right father...deary...
Trixie says:
I want him to have brothers and sisters, too
Trixie says:
so where the hell is he?
Norm says:
ok....now now...
Trixie says:
do I wait for my life to pass me by while I search for him?
Trixie says:
I do not believe that he will just come knocking at my door some day
Norm says:
yeap...thats the reality...
Trixie says:
I cannot afford to spend my energy looking any more...
Trixie says:
I find that I neglect my other duties to devote to finding "the right man"
Trixie says:
I want to spend my time at home with my family and stop this searching
Norm says:
okay....If it does not work out for me....I'll come and rescue you!!
Norm says:
hehe
Trixie says:
hehe
Norm says:
Guess what?
Trixie says:
I surely need rescuing
Trixie says:
what?
Norm says:
I still like you a lot....I am in love with Veronica though...
Trixie says:
of course, Norm
Norm says:
You are one of my best friends...
Trixie says:
I am touched
Trixie says:
I really haven't had any friends to talk to, especially lately
Neal says:
....and you're a dancer!!
Norm says:
haha
Trixie says:
hehe
Trixie says:
are you on Myspace?
Norm says:
whats that?
Trixie says:
I just started a group on there called Swingin Saints
Trixie says:
oh, it's kind of like [reference to lds website], but it's not for lds and just for friends, etc.
Trixie says:
actually, it's more like [reference to lds website], if you are familiar with that
Norm says:
yeap
Trixie says:
ok, so I started a group on there for lds people who also like swing dancing (another attempt to find an lds man that swing dances)
Trixie says:
I just formed it last week and already there are 34 members
Norm says:
WOW!!!
Norm says:
thats cool...
Trixie says:
yep
Trixie says:
I think one of them is close to my age
Trixie says:
the rest are barely 20
Norm says:
Male?
Trixie says:
the one my age?
Trixie says:
ha, yes
Norm says:
you never know!!
(I have since sent him a message, but he has not responded.)
Trixie says:
I know, am just so tired of the rejection I have been getting...
Norm says:
I get you
Trixie says:
I meet a new person on [reference to lds website] and I get my hopes up and then either they stop replying or we meet and I am just not attracted to them.
Trixie says:
or a meet a new person at a dance, and they would rather dance with the freshmen than me, even though I am probably up with at least the top ten dancers there. (They go there "wookin' pa nub" too, so they go for the hot young chics that don't already have kids.)
Norm says:
yeap...I get you....I'm usually out of the league too....
Norm says:
I'm going to church dance tomorrow...
Norm says:
I prefer to let loose at my club that I go to ...
Trixie says:
I started going to the YSA ward, and I saw a few guys I might be interested in, but when I went to FHE, I found that they have girlfriends
Norm says:
the atmosphere and understanding is not the same...
Trixie says:
I can imagine
Trixie says:
I haven't been to a church dance in years
Norm says:
Thats too bad...
Trixie says:
our stake doesn't even have them except for special occasions like new years
Norm says:
hmmm...I eally understand your situation Trix
Trixie says:
you may be the only one, if you do
Norm says:
you are funny...
Trixie says:
ha ha
(I was quite serious)
Norm says:
I miss talking to you like this...
Trixie says:
ugh, I wish we had a better subject
Norm says:
yeap....