Losing My Religion

The following is an email in response to my old boyfriend that I contacted recently...

I have had some puzzling experiences lately concerning answers to prayers. I must make up the answers in my head, I guess, because they don't seem to be inspired.

I also don't feel like a loving Father in Heaven would disallow me to enter heaven because I cannot find a man to marry me in the temple.

I have been doing some reading about the history of the church and regarding the authenticity of the Book of Mormon and the ordinances within the Temple. I have come to the conclusion that Joseph Smith was a scam artist. There is no physical evidence that the stories in the Book of Mormon ever took place, although there has been sufficient archeological research. There are portions of the Temple endowment that have been removed before I ever entered, that are all together frightening and they came from the rituals exercised among the Masons of which Joseph Smith was a member.

I have lost my testimony in the LDS church. I still believe in Christ and I hope to find a way to keep that faith and worship him in a way that would be pleasing to him.

I am going to continue to see [Paul] and I am hopefull that it can be a long term relationship. If that does not work out, I don't know...I will cross that bridge when I get to it, but I cannot go back to church knowing what I know now. Although he may be a motive in my searching, I want to make it clear that he never encouraged me to question the church or make this decision, because I have done this on my own accord.

I have not found the courage to tell my parents yet. It may take me some time. I am still coming to terms with it myself. I do not expect this choice to make my life easier. It will, in fact complicate it considerably more than it already is. This is why I hesitated even considering taking such a step.