I reached a turning point today. Yesterday, Paul informed me that he was planning to go on a date with a girl that he knows who has been interested in him in some time. He has been putting off going out with her because he was still hopefull that I would change my mind. We kept saying good-bye, but never letting go. He had finally given up waiting and decided that he needed to start dating again so that he can move on.
I should have expected as much. I think I took him for granted because I thought he would always be there for me to fall back on. I was feeling obligated to give a relationship with Superman a good try. I half way figured when he found out that I am not "worthy" that he would want nothing to do with me. That would be my last attempt to find a member to date, then I would be ready to date Paul more seriously.
I knew I could not ask Paul to wait for me and I would not even be able to go on a real date with Superman until June. I realized I needed to make a choice before then.
The only thing holding me back from going full speed ahead with Paul was the idea of a temple marriage. I still clung to that goal. So, I began to ask within myself, "What if there is no Temple Marriage?" "What if the Book of Mormon is not true?"
I admit that Paul was my motivation to begin my search, but I needed some answers to confirm or disprove my faith. I did a search on google under "mormon". I clicked on any links that were not official church websites or dating sites.
The first site I went to showed a video that disproved that the events in the Book of Mormon ever existed; geographically and archeologically. Not to mention that the language it was supposedly written in never existed. I will go into more detail about each of the sites I visited in another post.
Next I found a site that told about the changes in the "sacred" temple ordinances. It told about the punishments that were removed from the endowment cerimony in 1990, ten years before I ever entered. I was sickoned by what I was reading. They shared how the keys etc. came from the Freemason Cult, of which Joseph Smith was a member of.
My heart was breaking as I was staring at the screen, discovering that the things that I had been taugh since I was born was a lie. My goals came shattering down in front of me.
I look at the World and the people around me in a whole new light. I feel like Truman as in the Movie with Jim Carrey, The Truman Show, when he begins to question the World as he knows it and he starts searches for answers. He begins to recognize flaws in the events in his life and he ventures out in search for the truth.
It was so easy to discover the truth, it was only a few clicks of a button away. We are so scared as members to even question the doctrine that we are taught. We run the risk of having our temple recommends taken away if they should discover that we are questioning our faith by looking into other religions or any anti-mormon literature. I have always shrugged off any negative comments made by others, feeling sure in my faith.
I was and still am nervous about the impact my new knowledge will have on my life with my family and my future. I know they will not take it well. They could conceivably ask me to leave the house. I would prefer to be out of the house before I let on about it. That way I will not have to be under their rule and constantly judged and questioned by them.
I was using Paul as an escape from having to deal with it. I figured I could keep it a secret long enough from my parents until the moment before I moved to Austin to be with Paul.