A Late Night Chat

The following is a conversation with a guy I met online last summer, before I met Frank. He lives on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, so we have never met, but we keep in touch and tell each other the latest on our boyfriends/girlfriends. He was engaged around the same time I was but it didn't work out for them either. Now he is seeing a new girl that he is hoping to marry.

He used to read my blog while we were getting to know each other. I asked him the other day if he still reads it. He admitted that he doesn't because he didn't feel comfortable reading it, but he came on and read my recent posts and expressed concern for me.

I am sharing this conversation because it expresses some of my rationalizations I have made lately. Some issues I might address more, and others I may not.

Norm says:
you and your blogging!!
Trixie says:
I know, I know
Trixie says:
it's my therapy
Trixie says:
next to dancing
Norm says:
I know...just kidding ya..
Trixie says:
and dancing hasn't brought me much joy lately
Norm says:
Really?
Norm says:
Tell me more about Paul...
Trixie says:
actually, it's the lack of dancing
Trixie says:
I am disppointed every time I go to a dance, I am pretty sure I am invisible
Trixie says:
well...
Trixie says:
he is 38, divorced, has a 9 year old daughter
Trixie says:
he lives in Texas, about 1000 miles away
Trixie says:
he works for a company that sells software for medical professionals
Trixie says:
he does the training and installation
Norm says:
hmmmm...thats good....
Trixie says:
so he travels a lot
Trixie says:
yes, he has a very good job, for once!
Trixie says:
so, he is some times able to swing it to come through Salt Lake
Trixie says:
and he gets free air miles and that is how he was able to fly Guy and I out to San Francisco last month
Norm says:
thats good too.... so ....
Trixie says:
he doesn't drink, or smoke and he is a vegitarian
Norm says:
would you move to Texas?
Trixie says:
sure
Norm says:
when are you thinking?
Trixie says:
we don't have any plans
Trixie says:
he has not asked me to marry him, just talk
Trixie says:
we still have some issues to resolve
Norm says:
I really do think it is hard for Sisters in the church if they cannot find someone...
Trixie says:
mostly having to do with my religion
Norm says:
especially if they have been married...
Norm says:
what are they?
Norm says:
not being nosey....I just care about you Trixie...
Trixie says:
yes, I am finding it hard to find any good men left over
Trixie says:
I know
Norm says:
just dont want you to make another big mistake...even if he does have a good job...
Trixie says:
he just doesn't want me to rush into it and he is being very honest about what it would be like to be married to him because he has a lot more liberal views about things than I do
Norm says:
hmmmm....a bit worrying Trixie...
Norm says:
what does 'liberal' mean to him?
Trixie says:
whatever you may imagine it to be, he is
Trixie says:
very accepting, and open minded
Norm says:
hmmmm....I just want you to be very careful....
Norm says:
you may end up getting more hurt in the long run....
Trixie says:
I know, that worries me too
Trixie says:
I know that I would be settling...
Trixie says:
but at this point, I feel like it is the best I can do...
Norm says:
You may want to be married so that you are not on your own....but it could be worse for you...
Trixie says:
every member that I meet is either unworthy of me or not interested
Neal says:
I know ...I can see how you see it...
Trixie says:
I wish I were not so dependent and it is something I am working on, just not happening fast enough
Trixie says:
and I have become a burden on my parents...
Trixie says:
my dad is loosing his job and my mother has not found one yet and they are going to be asking me for rent starting next month
Norm says:
oh dear...that is stress....
Trixie says:
and any job I take, I have to pay for daycare although the state will help me once I am imployed, but that's won't last forever.
Trixie says:
yes
Trixie says:
and my dad's health is not good
Norm says:
I was very concerned about that whole situation at the beginning...
Trixie says:
they are having a hard time finding a job that comes close to the wages they were making in California
Trixie says:
my brother and his wife are also having a hard time paying their portion of the rent
Trixie says:
and they are both still in school
Trixie says:
... both working part time
Norm says:
yeap...thats bad all round...
Trixie says:
and we just moved into this new house
Trixie says:
I realize I am looking for an escape
Norm says:
Thats was my worry....and families under those stresses have real problems emotionally..
Norm says:
one leaning on the other...it causes rifts...
Trixie says:
but after all the rejection I get from the young college students, it's nice to have some one that cares for me
Trixie says:
we actually get along pretty good, until I pulled that stunt last weekend
Trixie says:
..or the weekend before, rather
Norm says:
Yes...I understand that...but that situation is not good....you need your own space Trixie...
Norm says:
stunt or no stunt...
Trixie says:
not that we don't get along now, but they are raising their expectations of me
Trixie says:
yes, it's true. I do
Trixie says:
I would like to be making enough money at this job where I could move out on my own
Trixie says:
but I really don't know when that can be a reality
Norm says:
Thats what does concern me...their expectations of you under these circumstances...
Trixie says:
I am barely holding myself together
Trixie says:
it is so difficult for me to concentrate on the training
Norm says:
yeap...I know what is was like for me...
Trixie says:
on top of it, I have to answer to my exs
Trixie says:
...who want this or that from me and want to get back together
Trixie says:
[X] promised to start paying child support, but all I have seen is $60
Norm says:
oh dear....
Trixie says:
I have no daycare right now, which the state was subsidising for me while I was working, but because I am not technically employed, they can't pay any for me
Trixie says:
I have been on food stamps since I moved here
Trixie says:
I am so tired of being sooo very dependent
Trixie says:
and so many people asking so much of me
Trixie says:
I really just want to run away
Norm says:
You have to do the right thing Trixie...
Norm says:
get some help....
Trixie says:
I have been trying to do the right thing
Trixie says:
and I have been so strong for so long
Trixie says:
it has drained me
Norm says:
thats the only way you will start getting out of your situation...you have to start feeling better in your mind...
Trixie says:
that means I can't date any more or go to any more dances because they send me spiralling downward
Norm says:
I know you have been trying...
Trixie says:
God knows I have
Norm says:
mmmm....
Norm says:
What do you think is the best way to go?
Trixie says:
I could...
Trixie says:
break up with Paul, and continue to live with my parents until I can get on my feet, and repent with the possible risk of being excommunicated.
Trixie says:
if I ever do
Norm says:
That would be hard...but its the right way....
Trixie says:
and continue to date around and continue to be disappointed, or broken hearted from rejection
Trixie says:
wait around until Guy is 10 years old and I am too old to have more children, so I will adopt my 60 year old husband's teen agers
Trixie says:
actually they would probably be college age
Norm says:
okay...okay....i know what youre saying...
Trixie says:
I mean what is the point of marrying a member for eternity that I only partly like when I could marry a best friend for this life?
Trixie says:
I know this life is short
Trixie says:
but I have to get through it some how
Trixie says:
it would be different if I didn't have a child
Trixie says:
I hate to say it, but it's true...
Trixie says:
I would be able to focus on a career and not have to worry about daycare or being available for him, if he is sick
Trixie says:
and I would't be concerned with finding him a father...
Trixie says:
I hear him talking to himself about who his dad is and he has me pretend that I am his dad
Norm says:
but he has to be the right father...deary...
Trixie says:
I want him to have brothers and sisters, too
Trixie says:
so where the hell is he?
Norm says:
ok....now now...
Trixie says:
do I wait for my life to pass me by while I search for him?
Trixie says:
I do not believe that he will just come knocking at my door some day
Norm says:
yeap...thats the reality...
Trixie says:
I cannot afford to spend my energy looking any more...
Trixie says:
I find that I neglect my other duties to devote to finding "the right man"
Trixie says:
I want to spend my time at home with my family and stop this searching
Norm says:
okay....If it does not work out for me....I'll come and rescue you!!
Norm says:
hehe
Trixie says:
hehe
Norm says:
Guess what?
Trixie says:
I surely need rescuing
Trixie says:
what?
Norm says:
I still like you a lot....I am in love with Veronica though...
Trixie says:
of course, Norm
Norm says:
You are one of my best friends...
Trixie says:
I am touched
Trixie says:
I really haven't had any friends to talk to, especially lately
Neal says:
....and you're a dancer!!
Norm says:
haha
Trixie says:
hehe
Trixie says:
are you on Myspace?
Norm says:
whats that?
Trixie says:
I just started a group on there called Swingin Saints
Trixie says:
oh, it's kind of like [reference to lds website], but it's not for lds and just for friends, etc.
Trixie says:
actually, it's more like [reference to lds website], if you are familiar with that
Norm says:
yeap
Trixie says:
ok, so I started a group on there for lds people who also like swing dancing (another attempt to find an lds man that swing dances)
Trixie says:
I just formed it last week and already there are 34 members
Norm says:
WOW!!!
Norm says:
thats cool...
Trixie says:
yep
Trixie says:
I think one of them is close to my age
Trixie says:
the rest are barely 20
Norm says:
Male?
Trixie says:
the one my age?
Trixie says:
ha, yes
Norm says:
you never know!!
(I have since sent him a message, but he has not responded.)
Trixie says:
I know, am just so tired of the rejection I have been getting...
Norm says:
I get you
Trixie says:
I meet a new person on [reference to lds website] and I get my hopes up and then either they stop replying or we meet and I am just not attracted to them.
Trixie says:
or a meet a new person at a dance, and they would rather dance with the freshmen than me, even though I am probably up with at least the top ten dancers there. (They go there "wookin' pa nub" too, so they go for the hot young chics that don't already have kids.)
Norm says:
yeap...I get you....I'm usually out of the league too....
Norm says:
I'm going to church dance tomorrow...
Norm says:
I prefer to let loose at my club that I go to ...
Trixie says:
I started going to the YSA ward, and I saw a few guys I might be interested in, but when I went to FHE, I found that they have girlfriends
Norm says:
the atmosphere and understanding is not the same...
Trixie says:
I can imagine
Trixie says:
I haven't been to a church dance in years
Norm says:
Thats too bad...
Trixie says:
our stake doesn't even have them except for special occasions like new years
Norm says:
hmmm...I eally understand your situation Trix
Trixie says:
you may be the only one, if you do
Norm says:
you are funny...
Trixie says:
ha ha
(I was quite serious)
Norm says:
I miss talking to you like this...
Trixie says:
ugh, I wish we had a better subject
Norm says:
yeap....