Going to Live with Daddy

Easter brought on a few changes for Guy and I. We spent the day at my parents' house. I set up an easter egg hunt all over their yard while they were at church. Guy brought a friend home with them and they were surprised to find eggs in the grass when they pulled in. I gave them each a basket and they were flowing over by the time they found all the eggs.

Later my mom and Cinnamon and I went to the park and kicked the soccer ball around. I had started to put on some weight from the pregnancy already but I didn't yet know why and I remember complaining about it to my mother.

As Guy and I were getting ready to leave he asked me, "Mom, what's my dad's name?"
I said, "You mean Kookie or Gabriel?"
"Oh, yeah," he replied. Then he told me that sometimes he wants to live with his dad.
The thought had crossed my mind about a week earlier but then I had another thought... but when he said it I began to consider the posibility.

Gabriel was now living in Idaho and he had been in contact with us for a couple of weeks (ever since I allowed his ex-girlfriend to watch Guy for me). He freaked out and sent me an email saying how he doesn't trust Guy with her and that she was using Guy to get his attention because she called him up (which he says she was asked not to contact her) while Guy was with her and said that she had someone there that he might like to talk to. I didn't want to get involved with all that so I didn't contact her after that.

After we got home, Gabriel im'ed me. He asked about what we did for Easter and told me that I'm a good mom. I could tell he was feeling left out of Guy's life. I mentioned to him that Guy thinks he want to come live with him. He was really stoaked about the idea. I didn't expect him to react so positively.

I felt like this would allow me to 1) save on daycare 2) get a second job 3) save up enough money to go through the electrology course that I had been trying to come up with the money for through grants and other scams, but they were all shot down.

I felt like this was the answer that would allow me to accomplish my career goals. It would be a temporary arangement. Just long enough to allow me to get my head above water. I estimated 7 months.

I had plans to attend a 4 day course in Orange, California in two weeks. I figured if I took Guy up to Idaho before I left I wouldn't have to shuffle him around from Frank's house and my parents' while I was gone.

When I told my parents they shit their pants. I brought Guy down there to tell them goodbye, but they wanted to discuss my decision and tried to desway me from taking him there. They thought they had some good arguements 1) he does drugs - only for a short period of time after I left him he was smoking marijuana. Oh, and by the way, he has a temple recommend now. 2) He abandonded us and they didn't feel he deserved another opportunity to do it again - he is living with his mother and I know she would make sure Guy was taken care of. 3) Will he take care of him if he gets sick and will he have insurance? - he was still covered on my insurance and I would make sure he has any medication he might need and again his mom is also good at treating sick kids.

They offered to allow Guy to live here and dad would watch Guy or they would take him to daycare. That would allow Guy to be closer for me to visit and they would have comfort in knowing he was safe. Although it was a generous offer I felt like they had done more than enough for me alraedy. I had this desire to pay off debts and settle scores. And the way I saw it Gabriel owes me a lifetime of favors and my parents had done more than their share of bailing me out. I wasn't there to get their advice about the situation. My mind was already made up. My plans were to leave on Saturday after Guy's girlfriend's birthday party.

Frank didn't understand it either and he also offered to let Guy live with him. Interestingly, I trusted him less than I did Gabriel. At least Gabriel has had some experience with raising kids. I know Frank was learning, but he wasn't always the most responsible and logical thinker.

He did have some things that he wanted to send with Guy. He invited us to meet him at his woodworkshop on Thursday evening to pick them up from him. He kept calling me and asking me what time I would be there. He also offered to watch Guy for me if I needed some time to run errands or something. Then he mentioned that they could pick up a pizza after we got there. In both cases that would leave him alone with Guy and at this point I was suspicious and didn't want to leave Guy alone with him in case he thought he was going to keep him so I couldn't take him to Idaho. Instead I offered to pick some food up on the way.

When we got there Frank closed the large garage door and dissapeared into the office for about 10 minutes while Guy and I began to eat. Then in walk my parents! I said, "What's this, a conspiracy?" They said they just wanted to discuss a few things with me. My dad pulled out this list of arguments as to why I should not take Guy to Idaho. Their major amunition they got from my mom's cousin who is a divorce attorney. They said that if I bring Guy accross the border to live with his father that I am basically giving up my custody of him and that Gabriel would have no obligation to let him come live with me again. This had me a bit concerned and I figured there must be a way around that with a written agreement between the two of us that it would only be a temporary situation etc.

They could see that I was still determined to take him to Idaho and so they gave me an ultimatum. Either I keep Guy with me or allow him to live with my parents or they would take my car. They had already taken the liberty of confiscating it from me. (They had already told me that they would sign the car over to me and we were in the process of having the title transfered to me, but in the mean time it still legally belonged to them.)

I was so pissed! I stood there for a second and then blew up! "Why can't I even make a fucking decision on my own?" as I threw a full bottle of water at them which splattered on the floor at their feet. Then I ran off to a corner behind some slabs of wood. Guy came right behind me to comfort me and tell me that he loves me and that he doesn't like Grandma and Grandpa anymore. I was angry and crying and touched by Guy's tenderness and loyalty.

I finally stormed out of the corner and told them that I am walking home. Guy wanted to come with me but I hoped that they would have given him a ride instead of having to walk all the way home in the cold. I seriously was going to walk all 40 blocks to get home. They figured I was going to call someone for a ride and they insisted that Guy come with me. We made it half way down the street and Frank's friend drove up to offer us a ride. I had him drop us off at the 7 eleven around the corner where I would have a friend pick us up.

To be continued...

Blues Rising

In February I was able to get away to San Francisco to attend Blues Rising, a blues dancing workshop that took place over the whole weekend. I drove out with a friend from Salt Lake. We left Thursday night and took turns driving through the night. We arived at 8am on Friday just when the other dancers were waking up and recovering from the late night before.

There were loads of great workshops taking place from noon to about 6 and then we all migrated to the evening dance, where they had fantastic live music to dance to. Dancing went all through the night and into the wee hours of 5 and 6 am. Then I got to be the one to drive one of the groups back to the house I stayed at in Half Moon Bay. I loaded up on Jelly Belly energy beans just before we left to help me stay awake on the drive back to the house. I think I got about 5 hours of sleep from Thursday to Tuesday night. It's a small price to pay for such fabulous dancing and music and....

Anyway, it was a marvelous weekend and wish I could go back soon.

Cinnamon

A friend of mine from work told me about this chihuahua that her husband brought home one day. The woman he got it from was about to take it to the pound. The story goes that her kids were abusing it such as hitting it with the broom and other such things. Why she felt like the only solution was to take it to the pound, I don't understand.

My friend told me how she just fell in love with the dog and how the dog became quickly attached to her too. The original owners named her Wild Thing but they chose the name Cinnamon for her. I told her that I have always wanted a chihuahua and how I would take it with me in my purse every where I went.

After a couple of weeks having the dog she called me up at home one day and asked me if I wanted to take the dog. I guess it had already pooped in her daughter's room and then she found an unusually large pile of fudge in the laundry room, where she began keeping her in the day.

I felt like I was a little unprepared to have a dog. Guy had been begging me for one for a year and I promissed him that once we had our own place where the dog could run around then I would be happy to get him a dog. We were still living in the basement who's owner already had three large, semi-trained attack dogs who ruled the back yard. Plus we are gone all day and she would have no way to go out to go potty. At least the whole place was tile floor with a few rugs.

I figured this was probably the only time that I would be offered a free chihuahua so I decided I could work around the logistics of it all.

We went to her house the next weekend and met the dog and brought her home with us. Her daughters had a hard time with it once we were gone. She had regrets about it too. So much so that when I had to bring her to work for an hour before taking her to Guy's daycare for show and tell, Cinnamon saw her and got all excited and she became emotional and wished she could take her home with her again.

Other people kept asking her how she could give away such a cute dog. I was questioning whether I should have taken her or not. Cinnamon and Guy seemed to have a rocky start already and I contemplated giving her back. When I told her I would talk to Guy about giving her back she tried to assure me that I should keep her (unless I am totally sure that I don't want her anymore). ...Greaaat...

I decided to keep her but not without continual threats to Guy that I would give her back. Any time I turned my back I heard her growling at him or I would catch him chasing her with a sword or crawling under the table after her, etc. She showed very little patience towards him and he didn't understand that he was scaring her and putting her on the defence. She is just a little thing and he was huge and intimidating to him. Not to mention that he hadn't really shown that he can be trusted.

I was tiring from having to always keep after him and separate them. Besides that, the times when Guy only wanted to cuddle with her she would still growl at him because he would get so close to her face. She even bit him on the face about twice. He would get his feelings hurt when I got after him for getting to close. He just wanted to love her afterall.

After doing some research, I learned that chihuahuas are known to not do well with children. One breeder would not sell to families with children under 7 years old. That would explain why the two of them got along like a dog and cat.

When the weather got warmer I also learned that Cinnamon was very protective of her owner. She loved to chase after the kids in the court, especially ones running, riding a bike or scooter. She even reached up and big a neighbor girl in the croch of her pants one time. Thankfully she only got a mouth full of pants and nothing more.

More about Cinnamon to come...

ULX 2007

To continue where I left off last time feeling sorry for myself... I did get to go to the Friday and Saturday night dances and even the late night ones too. It was fun to have a reason to dress up again like I used to. I ran into some friends from Sacramento. There was a whole gang of them that came out. Ha, even Burp was there. I think he was a little shocked when he saw me at the late night dance in a tank top, and I think he liked it. Not that I did it for him but it was fun to tease.

I even met a few nice Mormon boys, fancy that.

Why they picked THE coldest days of winter to have the exchange I'll never know. I was freezing my booty off walking through the snow to the dance at the Fair Grounds.

We had an idea to take old fashioned photos in the foyer at the exchance dances in 2008, in January. I think it will go over well. If it does we may travel to other exchanges and do the same.

What Else Is New.

My son is living with my parents while I am on bed rest and I am staying with some friends. It was time for me to enroll Guy in Kindergarten and I was having a dilemma about which school to enroll him in. I decided to open enroll him at the school nearest his daycare because they offer a ride to and from school, plus they started a full time program this year and I felt Guy could benefit from that.

As it got closer to the time when school began I ran into a bunch of red tape and it looked like I was going to have to enroll him in the school nearest our home which is also in the opposite direction of my work and would mean that I would have to find him a new daycare that would also provide transportation to and from school while I was at work.

It turned out that caring for Guy was taking more energy than I had and I asked my parents if there was any way he could stay with him until the end of my pregnancy. They had an equally challenging time getting him enrolled in school and finding transportation. My father ended up giving up his part time, late night security job that was draining his energy having to walk 10 miles each night. He decided that caring for Guy was more important and worth the sacrifice. We worked it out that I pay him what I would have paid for daycare if he was living with me.

Guy was behaving very well for a couple months but he's getting a little more comfortable now and allows himself to act out. Even so, I feel like it's been a positive environment for him. Of course he's been going to church with them on Sundays. He loves school and Grandpa is determined to help him learn the alphabet.

I visit with him for a day or more over the weekends. He isn't satisfied unless he gets to spend at least one night with me. Last weekend we went to Thanksgiving Point for the outdoor Halloween activities. I walked way too much and wore myself out, but Guy had a good time.

The weekend before last we decorated Halloween cupcakes with candy and such. We made graves, hairy monsters, mummies, jack o lanterns, spiders, and other silly things. Traditionally I make sugar cookies and Guy helps me roll them up and cut them out and maybe even decorate a few, but they are much more time consuming and I knew I wouldn't be able to slave over the counter to get them made and I am such a perfectionist that I would have to decorate them perfectly. So I opted for something simpler and allowed Guy to get involved and creative.

The Drama Hasn't Ended, I Just Haven't Shared It Lately.

Hmm, where do I begin. It's been some time obviously, since I have blogged. I think I haven't been comfortable enough to share some of the events that have taken place in my life recently. I'm sure I will still leave out some of the more personal details but I would like to give an update of the surprising events of the last several months.

To put you up to speed I am currently on bed rest being 7 months pregnant with twin boys!

Not even kidding this time either. I'm so ready to have these babies. I feel like an elephant. I have very little energy and can't do much for myself. I'm not complaining, or am I? just want to paint the picture of what I'm experiencing at this time. I am thankful that the boys and I are all healthy. I had a couple of scares that landed me in the emergency room but both times they were resolved quickly. At this point I am just waiting it out until they decide they are done.

Having a Pitty Party

I am venting right now in order to deal with my disappointment about this week. Tonight there is an unofficial opening dance for the Utah Lindy Exchange. That's where Utah invites people from other states, at some exchanges people will even come from other countries to attend special dancing events for the weekend. At most, exchanges will have dancing from noon til 5 AM from Friday to Sunday evening.

Last year, I was planning to attend at least one of the dances with Frankenstein, it would have been a first. Instead, I spent the weekend in the hospital with my son who had Brochialitis and Pneumonia. So, this year I was determined not to miss it. I registered for the full event a few weeks ago and I even volunteered to host a few people from out of town. I have spent quite a bit of time preparing the house for company.

Monday, I took Guy in to see the Dr because he had a bark like cough. The Dr. determined that it was Bronchitis. He prescribed an antibiotic for him to help prevent it from turning to pneumonia. I was stressing out because it was the only day I had at work to finish and turn in the expense reports to payroll. I wasn't sure if he was contagious so I stayed at home with him in the day and took him to work with me for a few hours in the evening.

Tuesday morning I could tell he was not doing very well but I felt like I need to go to work for at least a couple of hours to finish the reports. I tried to see if the neighbor could watch him for a few hours, but she was on her way to volunteer at a school. He perked up long enough for me to get him to preshool. I called afer a couple of hours to see how he was doing and they say he is pretty slugish and that he is going down for a nap. They called when he woke up after 2 to tell me that he had a temperature of 102 or higher and that his face was swollen!

I took off to pick him up and made another Dr appointment on my way over because I was concerned about his face. His face was not as bad as I thought but I could tell he wasn't well. I just took him home and let him rest. I asked the neighbor to watch him for a couple of hours while I went to the laundromat. He stayed with her again on Wednesday while I went to work.

Today is Thursday. Guy woke up at 7 with a fever and when I laid down next to him I could hear crackling in his breathing like I hear when he has pneumonia. I gave him some medication and let him sleep. He woke up two hours later in a cold sweat. I called the Dr to ask to speak to him. I heard back from the nurse several hours later. The Dr wanted for him to get a chest X-ray. It took a lot of coaking and comforting and bribing to get Guy to the hospital. I promised him it wouldn't hurt and there would be no shots. I also told him that he could buy a toy with the money in his wallet that he found plus two more dollars laying around the house. He almost didn't get out of the car once we were there so I told him I would double what money he has, $5 if it hurts. He didn't give in easily but I finally got him out of the car.

I carried him at least a block to the hospital from the parking lot in the slushy, snow. He was calm as we got registered but when we headed down the hallway to the radiology department he wouldn't come. I carried him part way and then he got down and he would have run out the door if I wasn't pulling on his arm. Once in the waiting room I had to sit down and wrap my legs around him to keep him there. He tried biting my leg and hitting and grabing me. A nurse came to the window and offered him a couple of toys. He backed himself up into the corner at the opposite end of the room. She came in with a box of toys and let him pick a few out. She got him to follow her into the X-ray room where they gave him 5 stickers. I have never seen them shower him with toys and stickers like that before. He was hesitant to step up to the board so they pretended to take my picture and they let Guy touch the button that turns on the light. After that he was very cooperative. That nurse was amazing. I'm so glad she made it so much easier.

We brought the X-rays to the Dr's office. He said that it's on the verge of pneumonia and at most walking pneumonia. He wanted to speed up the process by giving him a shot of antibiotic. I promised Guy that he wouldn't be getting a shot so I asked Guy if he would be ok with a shot. Of course he said no. I asked if we could just continue on the oral antibiotics. He wrote another prescription for some more.

I understood that I was supposed to pick up my first guest at about 7 pm from the airport. I had arangements for Guy to stay with Frankenstein tonight but that was canceled because he isn't well. I asked my neighbor if she would be willing to watch him for the night so that I could attend the dance tonight and I would pick him up in the morning. She hesitated slightly but agreed.

Well, Guy didn't want to go to Allison's house. He wanted to go to Grandma and Grandpa's. I called my dad, knowing that I wouldn't have time to take him there and get back in time. I told him the story and was working up to asking him if they would watch him for the night and he beat me to it and said, "So, are you asking if we will watch Guy for you tonight?" Then he went on, "You know, you are Guy's mother and have soul responsibility over him. I don't think you should be asking someone else to watch him for you when he is on the verge of pneumonia. I realize you have probably been planning this for some time now and it would be fun and exciting and that but I feel like you should be staying home to take care of your son." I was silent. It pierced me to my core. "Of course, you know all of this already, I'm sure." he said. I still couldn't respond. Just then my mom was coming in and he said he would talk it over with her. "No, nevermind." I said.

I called to see if someone else could pick up my guest from the Airport and I learned that they had already made arangements to pick her up. I also called my neighber to cancel our arangement. I have been having a hard time dealing with the disappointment and to top if off my Landlord decided to cook on his stove. Which in itself isn't a crime but fact that he has a layer of overspilt, burnt, decaying, grease in the bottom of his oven makes it one because the smell makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm almost over it already.

Christmas

I have so missed planning and preparing for company in my own little place. I invited my parents and brother & his wife to come up for lunch the Saturday before Christmas. My father couldn't make it but the rest of them did. I made tofu fajitas with refried beans and I fixed some spanish rise. I guess they turned out ok because they all ate until they were full.

While I was cooking the tofu the fragrace of the spices were filling the house and Guy asked me, "What's that smell?" I told him, "That's the smell of your mother cooking. I know it rarely happens. Try not to get used to it."

I do wish I had a real kitchen with at least a half size oven and stove and a normal sized sink.I get by but I would like to do more cooking in order to keep a healthy diet, especially being a wana-be vegan in a non-vegan friendly state. I feel like my health might be suffering from lack of protien and other nutrients it needs. But that's another subject.

So, after lunch we took Trax to downtown Salt Lake where we listened to some carrolers, Guy got his picture taken with Santa Clause and we wandered through the lights at Temple Square for a minute until we had to stop in the visitors center so Grandma could take a potty break.

It was a little freaky to be in there, honestly. The first thing I noticed were these brief video clips of these endocrinated children being asked questions about families. They were all so confident in their answers. A kind of chill went up my spine but not from the cold.

My mother had to have a copy of this pedigree chart from an ancestor that they were apparently out of and they had to scour the place to find one. In the mean time Guy was falling asleep and I got stopped by some sister missionaries. One from Peru and another one from France.

My mother joined the conversation and it lead to her mentioning that I went on a mission. I walked the walk and talked the talk enough to avoid creating waves. It's situations like that that tend to make my mother emotional. I had the pleasure of carrying Guy on my back, who was passed out until we got home.

My mom rode back with us and we stayed at my parents' house from Saturday night to Tuesday Morning. I even went to church with them. I was fine about it until the Sacrament was passed. I had forgotten about the silent giveaway. So began the psychology of it all, in my head. I thought, do I take the Sacrament and ignore the fact that I know that they know that they would not consider me to be worthy, but take it as a token of my own faith regardless? Or do I decline it out of respect for their beliefs of worthiness and openly admit that I am not worhty. In my heart I wanted to decline simply becuase I am still on the fence about Jesus Christ and I disagree about whether I am "worthy" or not.

So, how do I portray that to the people sitting around me when my son asked me why I'm not taking the bread or the water. He started to regurgitate my recent nutritional food lecture to me. He obviously doesn't understand what it's for but that doesn't bother me.

Anyway, I made it through the one hour Christmas program. It was interesting to be there and observe and listen with new ears and eyes. I was more uneasy about it than I expected, yet I was good at not letting it show.