Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The Church of Song and Dance

A few days after I moved in, my landlord mentioned to me that he does interpretive dance at his church. I was very surprised. First that he dances and second that he dances at church! He had my interest regardless of how silly it sounded. I said it sounded like my kind of church because I love to dance. He invited us to join him the following Sunday.

We followed him to the Christian Fellowship church in Murray. The services started in this carpeted auditorium complete with a stage and a sound and tech room in the back. When the door opened to the room the music filled my soul and I felt feelings that I had always identified as The Spirit. Most of the audience was seated or standing in front of their seats with their arms in the air and palms up as if it were raining and they were catching the rain drops in their hands. Then there were others between the seats and the stage who were standing, swaying, subtly dancing, waving taffeta flags, kneeling and even laying on the floor. The majority of the audience was singing along to the band (complete with drums and electric guitars) on the stage. It was light Christian Rock, which I can't say I am familiar with, but I would describe it as such.

Guy was anxious to go after a few minutes, but I talked him into staying to the end. He coaxed me to come with him up in the front where our landord was who was doing his interpretive dance (he was dancing more with his arms than his legs, just making patterns and such to the music). We stood behind him and I was tapping my feet and probably swaying a little.

They offered the sacrament with wine and tiny bits of bread or such. We didn't take any, I was feeling shy I guess or just unsure of what my feelings are on the whole thing, so we just watched.

After the first hour they broke out into classes. I took Guy to the class for his age and I was planning to stay with him in the class, but when he saw the blankets and stuffed animals laid out on the floor he figured they were going to be taking naps and said he would rather take a nap at home. The teacher explained that they are just going to sit on them today because the lesson was on the Sabbath being the day of rest.

There was no convincing him. I didn't mind that he didn't want to stay, although it would have been nice to talk to the hot dad that said he was staying with his daughter too. Oh, well. We went to Marie calendar's and had the breakfast buffet instead. Mmm Mmm.

The next Sunday Guy didn't want to go to church and I didn't feel it was worth fighting him over. We were already having a morning battle the other 5 days of the week. So we held our own church services at home. I pumped up some dance music on my computer and started dancing around the house. Then we took turns running and jumping and leaping across the carpet.

I must say, it sure got my Spirits Up!

From Devil to Angel

Guy was having a really tough time with the move. From the moment I picked him up from preschool till the moment he fell asleep we were fighting and arguing. He was nasty and rebellious and fought me for the sake of fighting and over the stupidest things. He would scratch or kick or hit me if I didn't give him the answer he wanted. One night he grabbed a hold of my watch and pulled it so that the elastic broke and pearls went scattering all over the room.

I hated having to yell at him and spank him or drag him into the bedroom, but I knew I had to remain strong. At the same time I tried to show sympathy for him because I know he was missing Frank and Grandma and Grandpa and all his friends at preschool and getting used to a new place. I would ask him how he is feeling and I tried to be understanding. We made several visits to my parents and they came here on a couple of Saturdays to help me get things in order in the apartment.

The Primary put on a neighborhood parade with Heros as the theme. We got him a Bat Man costume and brought his batman car from my parents' house so he could drive it in the parade. I told him he would not get to wear the costume if he couldn't behave. Grandma and Grandpa came up to see him in the parade, but they arrived just in time to see him throw one of his worst fits ever so he did not get to wear the costume in the parade. Instead, we caught the tail end of the parade and followed it to the park and had a good time there where we showed G&P the baseball diamond and the fishing pond.

Finally, after three weeks of this behavior he told me one night as we were laying in bed about to go to sleep that he has four girlfriends at preschool. He said that he kissed one of them and the teacher saw them and it was funny.

I could see that he was starting to make some friends at preschool and his behavior at home was improving. After a month now he is like an angel. He is more obedient than he was before we moved. When I ask him to do something he just says, "OK, Mom" and he actually does it!

He spent last Saturday with Grandpa going fishing and shopping at Cabela's. Grandpa was happy to report that he did not throw one fit! Previously, there would have been at least one incident or scene.

I am so happy to have my best friend, cuddle buddy, Guy Smiley back =)

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Moving Day

Guy and I woke up early after staying at my new apartment to go pick up the Uhaul that my friend rented for me. We drove the truck to my parents' house where we were greeting by my dad. His big question was, "[Trixie], WHAT is going on?"

"I told you yesterday. I found this great deal on an apartment and I want to move out to have a place of my own and some independence again."

"So, this doesn't have anything to do with a guy or anything? You're not shacking up with someone? Because it just seems a little suspicious how you made such a hasty decision and you stayed over there without bringing any bedding or anything else."

"No, I told you, he already had a bed there that he set up for Guy and I. I have been contemplating moving out for some time now, but I just didn't have the opportunity financially. This will be closer to my work and it's a killer deal so I didn't want to let it go."

"OK, well that's a relief because it's not unheard of, you know. Your cousin Jamie is and Dayna did."

"What, Dayna did? But she's married"... (and in the temple although they are no longer active).

"Well, never mind about that." my dad said. I still don't understand how or when that happened, but then again I don't keep in touch with her although it sounds like a good idea now for some reason.

My mom called a short while after that to also find out the answer to the big question. I heard my dad telling her, "No, she's not shacking up with some guy, just her Guy," followed by a relieved laugh.

I was glad he and Aaron were around to help me load up the truck with all of my stuff that day.

We met for lunch and Kari came along. She often keeps a book with her that she is reading. Well today, coincidently she had with her: In Quiet Desperation, which is about a young man who committed suicide at a church building because of his struggle with being a member and his same-gender attraction.

Of course, this opened up a discussion which was an opportunity for Kari to help resolve my issue on the subject. After talking with her privately later, I suspect it is her that must have had more of an issue on the subject than I ever have. She wasn't able to speak the words, but she led me to believe that she herself has struggled with same-gender attraction and this book has helped her understand her plight.

The Secret is out

My phone rang from the pocket of my overalls as I was trying to fall asleep on my back in the single bed next to Guy. It was my brother. I had an idea what he would be calling about. He had just been informed by my ex-fiance that I was no longer going to church, that I had been dating a non-member, I wasn't always wearing my garments and I suspect that he may have divulged another secret that my brother didn't admit to.

My brother called to find out if what he had heard was true. I give him credit for coming to the source in search of the truth instead of taking Frank's word for it.

We talked for an hour until my phone died. He mostly wanted to let me know that he among other are concerned for me etc. He also asked me what my concerns are with the church. I shared some major points that came to mind like practicing of what they called 'Blood Atonement' in the early days of the church which was basically cold murder and totaly misinterpreted the purpose of Jesus Christ's Atonement, the contradictions of the BoM and the Bible and the lack of physical evidence to support the BoM and the geographical evidence that supports that he made up the story using the names of cities near by and stole portions of the story from another book he read, the castration of a young man who refused to give up his bride-to-be to a Bishop who already had over a dozen wives, the fact that there were actually more men than women in the church durring the time of polygamy (that was the only way I was able to previously justify polygamy in my own mind, by thinking that there were all these single mothers with no one to help support their families), the former treatment by the church towards blacks and gays, the similarities of the temple ordinances and the Free Masons plus the so called sacred penalties that were removed from the ordinance after a survey conducted by the church among the members who had attended the temple to find out how they felt about their experience in the temple and if and why they had not returned.....I may have mentioned a few other issues I have to him.

My brother had already made up his mind that he would try to resolve all of my issues with the church. He believes there must be an explanation to all of it so he asked me the question, "If you were to learn that the church is true, what would you do about it?"

Of course I told him that I would live my life accordingly. He was glad to know that I am interested in the truth. The problem is, I just don't believe that I will find it among the Mormons. Their so called "Truths" are based on Faith. A scientist cannot submit a new Law until he thoroughly tests his hypothysis and provides physical evidence. Even Jesus Christ understood that need. He came back to show his hands and feet as evidence that he had been resurrected. Where is the proof that any of the BoM ever existed? Where are the ruins or the bones of all of the thousands that died in the great battle? Where are these gold plates?

I'm sorry to be a sceptic, but I cannot go back to that way of thinking, of following in blind faith. Although I tried, God I tried, and maybe I was even close to being married in the temple but it seemed like a carrot on a string, so close that I could almost taste it and it was being passed from one guy to another and I would turn and run in whatever direction it was going or even in circles trying to reach it. The game got old and I realized that I don't even like carrots that much anyway.

Aaron was on a mission now to find answers to any and all of my questions and concers about the church. Kari aparently, has done some heavy questioning of the church while she was in college and knows a professor who seems to have all the answers. Aaron was sure that he would be a good source.

Aaron committed me to send him an email listing all of my concerns and citing all my sources from the internet.

I don't think I could find half of them again and I really didn't have the time to be concerned with trivial things but I told him I would. He is still waiting for that email, though I have at least gathered some previous posts from here that I thought would be helpful.

I was suspicious that they might have been reading my blog so I have been a little shy about what I share on here. I know now by their surprise that they obviously have not been reading. I don't know if this will enspire them to or not. I know I sent them the link when I first started my blog, not knowing that I would later wish to keep it private from them.

I asked him if he was planning to tell our parents. He felt like he couldn't hold them back much longer because of their suspisions about me moving out. I didn't see how that had anything to do with it all, but that is when my phone died.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Trixie the Accountant?

I registered at this temp agency after I lost my last job. A process I have done many many times, but never have I taken so many program and skills tests on the computer, 6 in all. I mentioned all the software programs that I have used and they happened to have a test for this accounting one. When I say used, I use the term very lightly. All I did was put a few letters in one cell on a few hundred accounts. But I took their test and I guessed on the answers well enough that I scored higher than all 7 other people who had tested for it in that city. Crazy. So, they were convinced that I would do well at an accounting job.

I have always kind of steared clear of accounting and banking because it makes me nervous to be responsible for other people's money.

I took an accounting job in spite of my fears. My job is to review the expense reports and enter them in the system. I guess I caught on pretty quickly, it's fairly easy but does take some brain power and problem solving skills. I actually enjoy it.

The company was just recently bought out so there is a temporary hiring freeze. My took the job as temp to perm. I think they would like to hire me, it will be a matter of whether they are able to. I hope if and when they do hire me it will come with a pay raise.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Progressively Punk Rock

Guy has been needing a haircut for a month now. I didn't have much money to take him in to get it cut, and it's almost become an emergency because he can't see through his hair hanging over his eyes, so I made the brave attempt to cut his hair.

I am not the most skilled hair cutter, but I understand the concept. Only problem was I don't have the proper tools. I had a pair of fabric scissors that had tiny teeth on them for fine materials so Guy complain about them pulling his hair. My next choice was the giant kitchen scissors. I didn't even have a regular comb, only an oversized one with 2" long teeth. (Gesh all these teeth, one would think I was chewing his hair off.)

Before I even touched his head, he started crying at the sight of me coming at him with this giant comb and giant scissors. "No, it's going to hurt, don't do it," He would tell me.

I promised him I would cut it in the form of a mohawk for him which he as been wanting since Frank suggested it last summer. I held off because I knew my dad would freak, so I figured now that we were in our own place he wouldn't have to see it as much and the complaints would be more infrequent.

I got one front section almost done when I realized I was clearly losing the battle of mind and strength. He put himself to bed and I tried to lay some guilt on him by painting a picture of all his friends laughing at him at preschool the next day because of his lopsided hair cut. He just said he can be a clown and it will be funny.

Goodness, if he isn't worried about it, I figured I shouldn't be either.

The next night I got about as far on the other side of his head when he had enough again.

Three days this haircut took! Finally, I sat him down in front of a movie where he couldn't see what I was doing in the mirror and I was actually able to finish his haircut!

(Pictures coming soon)

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The Dog House

I made a fast decision (knowing that the bomb was about to drop) to move out. I had been planning, and hoping and plotting to for several months now and wishing for even longer than that. It finally became a reality. Granted it's no dream home. It is a little dark and stuffy and spiders and dogs haven't been the most tidy tenants. But it's in a nice neighborhood (A Mormon Bishop on one side and some Harley riders on the other side. I thinks it's pretty ironic that I should be living between the two. The street is packed with boys Guy's age and older to play baseball, basketball, football, soccer, and whatever other game they can think of to play with balls.

Guy was excited to have dogs and he began calling it the dog house to differentiate between our house and Grandma and grandpa's house. I wasn't really fond of the new name for my cherished apartment.

The first night we stayed in the basement apartment, I could not sleep because of the dog stench. The owner has three large dogs and he has to keep one of them segregated from the other two, so he was keeping him in a cage down there. The bed we slept on was right next to another cage that also reeked. I was eager to start vacuuming up the rugs and carpet in attempt to lessen the smell. When the landlord told me that I could pull up the stained carpet in the dining area that was laid down on ceramic tile like the rest of the basement I celebrated!

I pulled all the carpet up myself. I used gloves because it was so unsanitary. I even pulled up all the tack strips by myself. Last weekend my parents came to help me get up the remaining glue from the strips and wipe down the walls.

Yesterday was the first day that I was able to walk in and not be bit in the nose by the smell of dog! Yay!!