It feels like so much more time has passed than only a few days since my "awakening". Today was the first Sunday since my decision to not return to church. I find myself having feelings of anxiety about my parents finding out about my recent change of heart. I knew I would not be going to church again, but I had to appear as though I was. Thankfully, I started attending the YA Ward, so I don't won't have to go come up with an excuse as to why I am not going with them to the family ward.
Instead of going to church when I left the house in a skirt and my scripture bag. I drove to the trail heads a few blocks away and hiked the short distance to the water storage unit. It is burried and covered with a cement top. I had to hold up my skirt to lift myselt up to it. I didn't remember the bench being there when I was there for the first time with my dad and Guy last week, but there it was for me to sprawl out on. I brought my scriptures and the Bible that I bought at the Dollar Tree last week that I planned to read from while in my solitude. I began with a prayer. It has been some time since I have said a sincere prayer. I thanked God for sending certain people into my life recently to direct me to the truth. I said how I want to get to know Him better. I asked Him to guide me as to what I needed to do next. I was quiet and still, for some time, but no answer came, so I turned to reading the Bible starting in Genesis.
The passages were familiar, yet strange. And I don't mean strangely familiar, because I knew exactly where I had heard them many times before. This time as I read them, they just seemed so far fetched to me. Perhaps I am just in a state of disbelief of everything. I'm not sure still where I stand with my relationship with God or Jesus Christ right now. I am still working on a relationship with Him.
I read as far as when Noah and his family were finally able to come out of the stinky, smelly, cramped arc after 7 months. I always remembered the story to be that it rained for 40 days and 40 nights. Well it did rain for that long, but then it took another several months for the water to run off or dry up before they found dry land. After learning from the petting farm yesterday that a horse will eat up to 2 tons of food each month! it seemed highly unlikely that they would possibly be able to store enough food for all the animals in the World for seven month on that little arc. I remembered one year in seminary we measured out on the church parking lot the measurements of the arc and it just seemed pretty far fetched to me.
It was getting a bit breezy up there so I headed back to my car. I still had an hour before church would get out so I couldn't go home yet. I just started driving. I found myself taking Geneva Road south toards Provo. The radio was playing some songs that really hit home to me. Then one mentioned dancing and I broke down a bit. Oh, how I miss dancing. There was not swing dancing at either venue last weekend. They have really dwindled in just the year since I moved here. I realized I need to be doing more dancing, even if that meant moving to another state where there is a larger scene or taking up a tap class....something, anything....I just need to dance!
I also remembered that I once wanted to be a fashion designer, but I gave up on that dream to be as Paul puts it a "good Mormon". Now I am free to be whatever I want to be. Now is my chance to break out of this shell and learn to be comfortable in my own skin.