Thursday, April 13, 2006

It Ain't Over Til It's Over

Although I have tried to break up with Paul a few times, we still haven't managed to stop chatting with each other. It's like my relationship with Utah. I try to stay away, but I keep ending up here.

Well, Paul decided to take the iniciative to make it final. He told me there was a possibility that he could come see me last weekend, but he did not find out what his plans were for work until Thursday. I didn't hear much from him durring the day and he fell asleep before I called him back that night. I still did not know if he was planning to come or not and he was not answering his phone. Eventually I assumed he wasn't.

He finally called Saturday evening. He didn't realize that he had left me in the dark about visiting and he apologized to me for not filling me in. We talked about the joys of parents, which we don't usually talk about much over the phone. I was getting the impression that he was having feelings of dismay with the way he was trying to keep the conversation casual and the way I hadn't heard from him much in the past couple days.

My impression was right. I got an email from him on Sunday expressing some concerns in our relationship. He felt like my beliefs and lifestyle were too different from the direction that he would like to see our relationship go. He was concerned that I would be unhappy if I strayed too far from my current faith.

This was also my concern and I had expressed it several times, but hearing him say it was like hitting a brick wall. I saw it coming and I was trying to stop myself, then I tried to swerve around it. To no avail, I hit it going full speed.

I toughened up and took it well. It was like a relief even. We haven't talked on the phone since and we don't chat late at night and for a while we didn't chat much either.

We still miss each other and we are chatting a little more in the day again. I am still torn about what to do.

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