Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Is It Over Yet?

The following is a letter that I sent to Frankenstein. I hope it will be the last.
It's true I am confused lately. I will be the first to admit it, but I have been honest with you all along. You act as if I had this all planned out from the beginning. I was not playing a game with you. I fell in love with you, I loved being with you and I was preparing to marry you for eternity. What is most confusing to me is how conflicting my answers have been regarding marrying you or any one else. From the time that we first started dating, I began fasting to know if I should even continue to date you. I felt like it was the right thing for me to do, so I continued seeing you. One morning I felt prompted to get out of bed and kneel on the floor to receive a message for me. The message was that Robbie is not right for you. So I asked, "Well, then who?" and I heard [X's] name. I figured that could not be correct so I tossed the whole message asside. Eventually, the Bishop called me in to share what he felt the Lord wanted me to hear. He told me that he feels like I need to be married. I shared with him how I had been trying to receive and answer concerning marrying you. He gave me a blessing promising me that I would receive an answer within the week. I went home that very night and made a list of the qualities that I was seeking in a husband and the qualities that you posess. As I mentioned, you came out at about 70%, and most of the other items of importance were ones that you either had started to work on or planned to work on. I said a prayer in search for a solid answer as to weather I should marry you. I let God know that I may need some reasurance down the line because I have a hard time trusting myself, so I asked him for strength to commit to what ever answer he might give me. The answer that came was an overpowering, "Yes, Yes, Yes, a thousand times YES." I also petitioned to know when we should get married. The date October 31st came to my mind, which was only a little more than a month away. A few moments later I got a call from you in Arizona. I wanted to share my experience with you, but you asked me to call you later at your hotel room. You never came back to the hotel because you had been arrested [for being drunk in public]. I found out from [your friend] that you had not shown up for work on Monday and I figured you must have gotten into some mischief, and I was ready to write you off. It boggles my mind to realize that in the very moments that the Lord was telling me to marry you, you were out drinking! You talked me out of breaking it off with you and I tried to have faith in the answer that I received. I remained strong and stuck to my decision to marry you. We broke the news to my parents, whom I could tell were very concerned about the decision. I began to be concerned as well. I broke down in the bath tub one morning with the feeling like I was walking into a situation similar to my last marriage. It was when you said that you wanted to put all of the money you receive from the tribe into advertising for River Rock that I became scared of your ability to think rationally. I was scared and confused. I took a couple days to ponder my decision to marry you and I figured that the confusion was a good sign that it wasn't right. I figured I needed to call it off with you, and I attempted to, but you talked me out of it and we decided to wait for the temple instead. I felt better about things for some time after that, but the doubt crept in again and I ignored it because it was easier that way. Driving home from dropping you off at Vaughn's house one night, I felt like I needed to go to the temple. I thought about going the next day, a Saturday, but I didn't get there until the following Thrusday. I went through a session and I imagined you being in the room with me, going through for the first time. I felt fine until I got into the celestial room where I was able to have a one-on-one with the Lord. That is when he told me that I would be OK, if I were to marry you. (My impression was that I would be taken care of financially and I would be pretty happy). Then he said to me, "But what if I have some one else in mind for YOU, would you be interested?" How could I resist such an offer from the Lord? Someone chosen just for ME? Of course I was interested. Then the name of an elder from my mission came to my mind. I knew I would have to break if off with you first before the Lord could do his part. I was also given the prompting to call an old companion of mine. I saw you on Friday, with my experience laying heavily on my mind. I didn't know how to go about breaking the news to you. Saturday, I spent the whole day pondering and moaping around, dredding the task at hand, to break up with you. I was avoiding your phone calls because I was not ready to talk to you. You took the hard part away by saying the words for me. I did not know for sure what the future was for me at that time, so it was comforting to know that there was a possibility for us to get back together later, (although I did not expect this from you).Thus, I did not resist the idea that we were taking a break from each other. It was not my intention to drag you on for a month. It was more like you latched yourself on to my leg as I was trying to walk away. I tried to shake you, but I did not want to injure you. I was patient with you as you were dealing with the swarm of emotions and the pain and heart ache. I resisted getting romantic with you, even though I still cared for you, because I did not want to send mixed signals. It was difficult enough to break up the first time and I felt like I had to do it all over again each time we spoke or saw each other. You wanted explainations, but I didn't have them. Your behavior tired me out and it frustrated me that you wanted to wallow in it with me, while I was trying to move on. It has been since our breakup that my feelings have changed about us getting back together. If you will recall, I tried to make it final last week, when I brought back the ring, but again, you refused to let it happen. You see it how you want to, [Frankenstein]. When you see me, you tell me you still see love in my eyes for you, or feel passion when you press agains my still, reluctant lips. When I try to set it straight, you get hurt, then mad and begin calling me things like a liar, or selfish, or inconsiderate, or cruel, or a loose canon, or a gold digger, so what incentive do I have to share my feelings with you? You do not make it easy or pleasant for me. I have to be true to myself. Granted I am confused right now, but I do not feel like I want to get back together with you, nor [X], if it makes you feel any better. I do not know what the future holds for me, so I am taking it one day at a time.

I am not asking for your forgiveness, because I don't feel that I have done anything wrong for breaking up with you, or in the way I did it. You made it very difficult for me and I was more than patient and 100% honest and sincere with you.

Please do not call me. If there is something that you need to tell me, you can send me an email.


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