My Lips Are Sealed

I haven't written lately because I guess I feel like I need more privacy in my life right now. I suspect that some people close to me have been reading my blog and I just don't feel like sharing right now.

Too Much Info.

I have been careful not to share very much about my personal life with my coworkers until yesterday. I mentioned to them a couple weeks ago that I was going home for lunch to meet an old boyfriend of mine from high school. Yesterday my boss asked about how that went and if I think anything might become of it.

I told her that it went well, but that it's kind of complicated considering that he lives in Southern California and travels a lot and has another girlfriend. Then I mentioned that I had a semi serious boyfriend in Austin too, but that we just broke up last week, but I have a couple other boyfriends who live in Salt Lake, one from Jamaica and one from Peru. They are nice guys, but nothing serious.

Then she got talking about relationships and finding the right man not just for me, but for my son too. Then I got talking about my ex-husband and told her how terrible of a mistake that was and about the events that lead up to my leaving him including the he wanted to leave the church and how when we got married we planned to go to the temple later. She asked how long we were engaged for. I told her that it was very brief. We started talking about marriage after the first two weeks. We met in May and got married in August of the same year.

I told her how even in the terrible state that I was in before I finally left him, it still took me a long time to decide to leave because I dreaded the thought of going back to the Young Adult scene after being divorced *and* having a son. I said, it was Hell the first time and I was not axious to go through it again once I was branded with the scarlet letters D (Divorced) and M (Mother [single mother means desperate to get married to a man that can support her family but any guy her age is still in school because he only got back from his mission a few years ago.]).

I mentioned that he wanted to get back together with me a few months ago, and he felt like he needed to go back to church, he even confessed everything to his bishop. But I wasn't interested and besides that I had stopped going to church.

I think my boss' mind was kind of spinning by now, but I didn't stop there, I told her that that is why I moved here last year to find more LDS guys to date. She could relate to the fact that there are no good guys left. I mentioned that I would get asked out by all kinds of non-LDS guys, but when I went to the Young Adult Ward they avoided me like the plague. When I moved here I had plenty of options for LDS guys to date, but by age 30+ they still didn't have their act together. Some of them could barely write or speek english, or they didn't have a steady job, let alone a career, or they don't even have a car, etc. She joked how you have to wait for the good ones to get divorced. I said, yeah and by then they have 3 or more kids they are paying child support to their mother for and they have let themself go for 10 years.

I went on to tell her that I was engaged to a guy who rode his bike all the way from Park City to see me and he didn't even have a job at the time that we met, although now he's doing great just taking on carpentry jobs. I told her that we broke up in February and how I met Paul shortly after but I told him from the beginning that it wouldn't work out because I am LDS etc.

She asked me at one point a few months ago if I was Mormon. I told her I used to be. I'm sure she assumed that I stopped going many years ago. I think she was surprised when I told her that I came to realize that the Church is not true and how I haven't been going since May. But the shocker came when I mentioned that I served a mission too. It totally took her back. She asked where I went. I told her Ontario, Canada. She said wow, cause I served a mission too.

She wanted to know why I decided that it wasn't true and I told her that I found some things in the history of the church that bothered me. She said she is courious now to know what I found. I remained vague and told her that it has to do with Joseph Smith and some of the other leaders of the church and I felt that there is conflicting ideas between the BoM and the Bible. I didn't want to hash it out with her so I didn't say specifically. I did tell her that my brother has taken me on as his project in trying to resolve my concerns for me. She asked, "And you prayed about it and everything?"

That's another subject in itself. I haven't prayed in the way that I knew she was speaking of since my breakdown in May. Had I prayed about it? no, but I felt good about it in my mind and heart, so I figured that counted for a "yeah."

I told her that my son stays with my parents on Saturday night so he can go to church with them on Sunday. She asked if I would allow him to be involved in the church if he decides that he wants to when he is older. Of course I told her I would not stop him if he felt that was the thing to do. I let her know that I don't have hard feelings towards the members of the church because I think they are good people, but I found that it wasn't right for me personally.

I felt it necessary to say that I haven't changed who I am because I decided to leave the church. Yes, there are some subtle changes in my life, but I feel good about my decision and I'm doing good.

I know other people within ears shot were listening in on our conversation too. I was just standing at the edge of her cubicle. Come to think of it, the office was pretty quite while we were talking. I'm sure they were at the edge of their seats since 4 of the 6 other people within proximity were all active members too.

I think I may already regret spilling so much information with her. She doesn't treat me differently, but in my mind I wonder what she might be thinking about me. I'm sure she figures I lost the spirit or something.

A Personal Invitation From the Devil

Last night, I woke up at 4am and decided to take a shower. It was nice to be able to take my time in the shower instead of having to rush off to work. Then I went back to bed. I had trouble falling back asleep for a long time. When I finally did, this horrible dream began. Actually, the beginning wasn't so bad, but the ending was horrifying.

It started out as me taking off in the car to go to some swing dancing event, and I ran into a kid that I think I recognized to be someone that I have seen at the BYU dances a couple times. He didn't hide his excitement to see me, so we hung out most of the evening. I was staying with, I guess an old missionary companion, but she was still on a mission, so I stayed with her and her companion in their missionary apartment. I guess I got there before they did (gee, that would have put them out past 9pm, those rebel missionaries) and I picked up their place a bit for them. They were amazed at what I had done when they got back.

We were all three sleeping there on the floor when this little devil person comes in and started poking at us with his pitchfork. I held up my hand and grabbed the handle of it so that he couldn't poke me with it, then it grew another three forks out the sides. I got up and questioned him. I asked him why he was there and what he wants with us. I don't remember him speaking, but I remember this image coming to my mind of what he intended for us. It was a horrible scene. I saw a panoramic view of deformed bodies and people laying in blood. By deformed, I mean, like their arms were sewn to their legs or missing legs or arms, etc. What was strange was that their bodies were almost glowing white, and there weren't any scars, but they were misshapen, and then red all around them. I was ill from the sight of it.

All I could ask is, "Why?" He just replied with something like, "They let me." He was hoping that I or we would let him, but I refused. I was amazed that all of those people would allow him to do that to them. They seemed, not sad, not all of them in pain, but because of their deformity they were left mostly helpless. I wondered if they understood what they had gotten themselves into. There they were, just lame lumps of flesh. None of them crying or begging for help. Just existing like they don't care. They were numb, experiencing no thoughts or feelings.

He assured me that he would not touch me unless I allowed him to, just the same as everyone else. I tried for a second to comprehend why a person would allow him to do that, but I was afraid to go there in my mind. I had seen the result and I knew that wasn't what I wanted for myself, to be a deformed pet.

Breaking Free

I've forgotten what it was like to have my heart broken. I suppose it's only fair with the number of times I have broken the hearts of others. I wish I had left him alone after my visit to Austin. Instead I let him back into my life. We even talked about making plans to be together, but it only got my hopes up. It only made me more willing to sacrifice myself, but it wasn't enough. Even after all that I have done he demands more. I cannot meet his demands any more. I must free myself of his chains and become my own master.

What is Gained?

I got an email from my brother last night in which he addressed a few concerns about the church that I shared with him. They seemed to rid the church of an fault in the ordeal. Particularly the incidents of Blood Atonement. He pointed out that I could have found the information if I wanted to and that there must be another, personal reason why I have chosen not to believe. Perhaps that is true and once again that reason no longer exists.

I had a dream last night that I decided to either go on a mission or go to school at BYU while still being in the unbelieving state of mind. My family was all around me as I was settling into the dorm. They were all wondering why I would choose to do such a thing, knowing that I stopped going to church and that I don't have a testimony. How would I share my nonexistant testimony? and why would I feel the need to try?

I'm not sure if I am just now feeling the loss from abandoning the church or if I am feeling the loss from realizing that Paul and I will never work.

Talking to God: Carnival of the Veil #23

Talking to God: Carnival of the Veil #23

Gunner, auther of Talking to God is the host. Send him an email if you would like to participate.

Carnival of the Veil

Kitakazoo shares the pains of being shunned by her own TBM daughter. What I want to know is what is her daughter hiding under her saggy, baggy underwear?

Kit also gives her insight to the Polygamy Community.

Eight hour lunch tries to capture the beauty of Rome, but being alone makes him home sick for his daughter.

Darqueheart declares that a real man irons his own shirts.

Sister Mary Lisa tells about the day God got a 1000 USD bonus. I think her husband is more deserving of the real man award.

Arizona Expositor’s wife wishes he would give their daughter a priesthood blessing.

Equality transcribes The book of Gladius

Sinister porpoise reaches a long term goal (though she keeps that goal a secret) and just can’t find the time to pay the Tax Man from all the money she’s making.

Matt of Notamormon gives his analogy of the age old question “Are Mormon’s Christian?”

Fiddley divulges some of his favorite secret combinations….and here too.

Finally, the man that birthed the Carnival of the Veil, Gunner. He makes the shocking statement that “Nonmembers” are good people too? Not just good, better?! Impossible ;)

Going All the Way

It only took a few minutes of a couple of videos to convince me that there are a lot of animals being tortured in the World. Enough so, that not only have I chosen to not eat meat, but I am working on cutting out dairy and eggs too. I knew it would be a challenge and I didn't want to starve in the first week, so I am taking it slowly as I relearn what to eat. It will be very inconvenient and will require more preparation on my part and likely more money too, but I feel it is a worthy cause.

Certainly more worthy than all the effor that the church put into their petitions against redefining the family. I was puzzled at an email that I received from a friend who is a member of the church. The email made the statement that this will greatly affect our families... etc. How the Hell would something like that affect me, a straight person? I already have the right to mary a man. The people that it will affect are those that didn't have the right to marry whom they choose, ie: the homosexuals. Why should I be so determined to deprive them of their rights?

I can see myself getting carried away with this animal loving wave I am on. I have never really been "into" animals. I'm not a cat or dog or horse lover. I've had several pets including; cats, dogs, birds, frogs, fish, a crab, a rat and currently a mouse (who is going to be set free in the very near future or maybe after winter is over), but I've never been more than slightly attached to them.

But when I see images of deformed animals who are tortured and abused from the time of their birth and who never even see the sunlight or given an opportunity to live a natural life it makes me sick to my stomach and I cry for them.

It's not just farm animals who are tortured, circus elephants and other performing animals are regularly abused with a sharp hook to tear their skin or a sharp hammer at the back of their knees or an electric prod on their privates. I remember learning of a case against some circus for animal abuse. The source of the news was my father and it was translated to me like, "Oh, the poor animal, so what if it's standing in it's own phesis, they would do the same in the wild..."

My father enjoys hunting. He doesn't go all that often, but he enjoys the sport of it. He does his best to make sure that a fish or dear etc is put to death as quickly and painlessly as possible, as he does not enjoy torturing animals, just killing them, if that can be rationalized.

Guy likes to go fishing with Grandpa and he went this last weekend and caught a few fish. Maybe next time I could suggest that they just watch the fish and feed them crumbs or something. Oh, and sorry Honey, but we won't be going to the Circus this year. We'll find an animal-cruelty-free activity to replace it with like picketing outside the Circus :) hmm, that could be fun.

The delema that I was having was deciding how much control I would have on what Guy eats. He likes meat and he is a growing boy and I don't think he would eat much of my lame vegan cooking, since I haven't started that yet, he would starve and the few things I have bought he has turned up his nose to. I think I have decided the best thing to do is to just have alternatives available for him at home and let him eat what he wants otherwise.

I feel better already about my new diet. I made the decision a couple of weeks ago and I like that I am putting more natural/back to basics/whole foods in my body. I look forward to improved and lasting health.

So....Chin Chin! (Cheers, for Italians) *raise my glass of chocolate Soy Milk* gulp, aahhh!

A Common Bond

I just got back from the Sunday dinner at my parents' house. It has become habit now that Guy gets dropped off at the G parent's house on Saturday afternoon and stays over to go to church with them. I come back down on Sunday afternoon, have dinner, do laundry and we go home.

My father is from Heber City so he has a sister and two brothers that live less than an hour away. His sister is married and active and his two brothers single/divorced and have been inactive since about their teens. His sister has two daughters. They are a year and more older than me, neither of them are active. My aunt and uncle that are active have been down to visit my parents several times since we have moved here. I have extended invitations to my cousins a few times for such things as Guy's birthday parties because they both have kids.

Today was the first time that they have come down from Salt Lake to my parents' house. I figured my parents hadn't wasted any time in spreading the news about me deciding not to go to church any more. They all wanted to know how I was doing now that I had moved out on my own. We served ourselves some dinner and had the choice of the dining room or the patio. It was such a beautiful day that I knew I wanted to get as much sunshine as possible on the patio. I was the first one to go outside and one of my uncles came out all curious and asked me to tell him all about what is going on in my life. We had a brief conversation a few months back after I had made some changes, but I was still living with my parents and I was not at liberty to truly speak my mind then.

He told me I'm just cute as a button. (The things relatives say) ;) He also said I look healthy and happy so he wanted to know if I am doing anything differently. I mentioned that I have been a vegetarian since May and that I am working on cutting out dairy and eggs too. He asked if I had lost weight from that, but the truth is I was gaining in the beginning, but have lost that back again now.

He wanted to know my reasoning for the change in lifestyle. I told him that is was initially for better health, but after seeing a few videos of the horrible treatment of the animals my reasons are now for the sake of the cruel treatment that an animal suffers just to become my dinner and ultimately my poop. OK, those weren't my words, but they are the words of a kid I had a short lived friendship with. He is a bit too radical for me, but I respect the messages he is sending.

My two cousins came out to join us at this point. They all had KFC for dinner. So we were discussing the value of the lives of the chickens that became their food. In my mind I was picturing the vivid visuals from the film clips I watched of chickens who get their beaks ground down shortly after birth, then shoved into these cramped cages where they can't even spread their wings, then pumped full of steroids so that they become so large that their legs won't even hold them up and then get shat on by other birds. then they get drug by their necks and hung by their feet to be scalded alive and now featherless before they are finally put out of their misery. My uncle's reasoning is that at least they had a life. He asked if I were a chicken would I want to at least be able to live rather than to never be born. I quickly answered that I would rather not be born. That is not life, that is a living hell! Their purpose in live is to get fat and die, tasting pain and suffering from the moment of birth.

No thank you. I would rather remain a spirit chicken than come to earth for two months of torture. Don't even get me started on how they skin the animals alive to make fur coats, then just tossed their bloody living carcass aside as if it's already garbage. The animal is still alive for God's sake! What a pretty picture the media paints over the truth about where our food and clothing comes from. If you need more just go here http://www.peta.org/

I meant to save that rant for another post. I actually remained pretty vague about it all in our discussion so as not to gross them all out while they were eating.

I went in to get a plate of food for Guy and my other uncle was in the kitchen too and said that all the cool people were eating outside while he had been eating in the dining room. He came outside to be with the cool people too. I felt like I had been invited into their outcast club. There we were, we had managed to segregate ourselves from the active members. I have never seen that happen at other family gatherings with the same group of people. My uncle was making some comment about denial because we had just been talking about X, when my dad came out with the rest of them and took a seat right behind us. My dad told me not to pay any attention to what he was saying because he is a rebel. My uncle said, "Well so is she. She's just now coming around." My dad tried hard to laugh as he got up and walked away. I wished I had the words to make it better for my dad, but none came to mind.

My Personal Progress Report

I love the contradiction in still belonging to the LDS web ring and being on the exmormon glog roll. I get a hit from the LDS web ring maybe twice a year and the exmormon blog roll brings at least 10 new visitors a day. I think I secretly hope that someone from the LDS web ring will happen upon my blog and something they read will cause them to think question their beliefs.

I'm still unsure about where exactly my own personal beliefs are. For example, I don't know where I stand with Christ right now or even the Bible for that matter. I believe that it is true historically, but there are many things in the Old Testimant that I seriously doubt happened. I don't want to cut and paste the parts that I like and make a collage from it. I want to either be able to accept it as it is or toss it all out.

Can one thing be true for one person and not for another person? In some ways, I think YES. In my period of searching, I read many people's near death experiences. They could more aptly be named tastes of death. In any case, I read from the experiences of a man who hadn't actually tasted death himself but he has had many out of body experiences and he travels to other places in time and space while his spirit is out of it's body. I read about a time that he visited person's personal Hell. I am including his full version of it. I realize it's lengthy, but I couldn't decide what to cut.

It began when I woke up to see that I was in some huge city, and there was some poor lost soul wandering the streets, utterly clueless about anything at all. No car, no possessions, as if he just materialized there out of the air! in a way, I see, he DID just that, in a sense as the scenery, as this dream unfolds, appears to be not of any city on this earthplane!!

I could tell that by the "magical" way that machines operate, the "fluidness" of how the scenery changes.... "cartoonlike"! but this was no cartoon! A
"real world". Full of people too, and the streets stretched off to the horizon, endlessly. I followed this guy as he stumbled from one "reality neighborhood" to another, areas of the city that
seemed to have a specialty.

There was a section of square miles that looked like a "ghetto" and everyone there, all 10,000+ people, where doing drugs. in fact every single shop sells
drugs of one kind or another, out in the open as if everything were utterly legal!

Between the shops were many many bars and and pubs and
dance places. The streets were packed with people all high on something. then there was the Zone where there were hundreds and hundreds of rug shops and stalls
where only oriental rugs were sold. All of the people there looked "middle eastern". then there was a area of blocks and blocks of nothing but bookstores and open bookstalls as if there never ever was rain there. Packed with people of course.

the Industrial zone was next, miles and miles of foundries and pipes. Somehow he got with a band of
motorcyclists who got him out into a kind of countryside, a countryside that seemed not to obey the
rules of nature and of the earth! Funny skies and roads to nowhere and to everywheres!

[poor guy. He must have died and he must have been one
of the residents of my, or another, senior resident place. Maybe 80 years old and very very conservative,
stuck in the 1950s in mindset and then 'against"
everything of the modern age. Not a Christian of course, no soul life at all.

Perhaps a retired engineer or maybe a business person.
Now he died and went to a Low Place in the afterlife,
and the Guides will let him COOK in this astral hell
for a bit of time! There might not have been a bit of
any kind of "preparation" for the afterlife, and he
might have "gone down hard" at the end of his life, a bitter old man, seeing how the 2000s are nothing but bad..Angry and obstinate!]

so here is now is, near the end of this dream. Standing next to yet *another* neiborhood of thousands and thousands of people who share a mindset. Lost. Bewildered. Not even knowing the name of the place that he stands in and no one to help him, to be the Authority for His Choices, like when he was alive!

[in WW II, one Obeyed authority, you could die in 10) seconds on the battlefield if you thought for yourself! In the 1944 civilian life, you placed your family, your town, your country first and you came utterly last!

So as this generation grows older, they would like a leader-figure to make all of the choices in life for them, let others do the thinkings for them.]

lost, utterly lost, no way to find a leader here. Everything that he denies in life seems to be all that
there is, here, with a cast of 200,000!

well....He finds out soon enough what *this* neiborhood is all about!

Homo men! Hundreds of shops and hundreds of partybars
and Clubs. The streets are packed body to body with
thousands of homo men and mostly naked. Suddenly, a whole block or two or three, of the gay residents, see him standing just outside of this area! They rush
up to him. As this dream ends, I see that he is mobbed by thousands of homo men, his hetrosexuality will very very soon be gone, against his will, as 3000 gay men de-flower him and make him one of their own, probably for years and years....A never-ending ORGY!

I'm not sure where I was going with this post except to say that I do not claim to know all the answers and that that is ok. I think there is great comfort to being a member of the church because it gives a sense of security that the church has all the answers for us to the age old questions of; Who are we? What are we doing here? Where are we going? What is the purpose of life? etc.

I have been told by a few people who have experienced the contrast of being active in the church and being inactive. They have shared how their lives were empty and meaningless when they were inactive and now that they are going to church again, they have purpose in life and goals and they feel peace in their lives.

I believe they were unhappy while inactive because they either filled their void with the wrong kinds of influences or all of those Primary lessons, and scriptures or temple movies have affected their subconcious so that they still believe that they cannot be happy unless they are living the way the church suggests.

Not only that, but like the example of the man in his personal hell, it is so much easier to let some one else do the thinking for us. If it does go all awry, we have someone else to blame besides ourselves.

"We Need to Talk"

Those are words I dread when coming from my mother, and usually anyone.

The only time I actually discussed my leaving the church with either of my parents was on a Saturday when my dad had gone fishing and I went to my parent's house to do some laundry. My mother met up with us for lunch first.

I remember being especially tired that day and I laid down on the couch to rest when my mom came in and said, "We need to talk, if you are up to it."

She kind of had me cornered. No I wasn't really up to it, but it had been put off long enough I suppose. My mother had some questions for me about some of the changes taking place in my life.

I knew my brother had told them. Apparently he didn't waste any time either because the day after I moved, I went down to their house to pick up a few things and on the back of the list that my mother and I made she had written a couple of spiritual thoughts and she sent home an Ensign with me.

A couple of weeks had passed since then and they seemed to be coping with it well, at least in my presence. I think I hoped that I would never have to explain it to them, but I expect this isn't the last time it will come up. I don't feel like I really need to justify it to them, but I think it's fair to answer a few questions for them.

The questions she asked me that day were...What made you decide to stop going to church? Do you still believe in prayer? So, you don't believe in the power of the Priesthood? What about all the wonderful people that you taught on you mission, you don't believe in the things you taught them anymore? What do you plan to do with your church records? Will you allow Guy to go to church?

I did my best to appease her without offending her while still being open minded yet firm in my newly established beliefs. I explained briefly to her about my experiences with answers to prayers and that I believe there is a source of power that we are all entitled to. I told her I have not plans to remove my records from the church so far and that it was fine if Guy wants to attend church with them some time, but I won't be taking him. She thought I should let him go with the kids in the neighborhood. I was not too keen on the idea because I felt it would raise questions in the minds of the other kids regarding why Guy's mother and father don't go to church. Perhaps this is a selfish reason, but I don't feel like Guy needs to be judged or singled out from his friends since he is already well aware that he doesn't have a dad and the other kids do.

We talked for maybe 30 minutes and then she let me be. I feel for them because I know that they must feel like they are loosing their daughter in the after life. I'm glad they are still able to accept me for who I am, I hope. They have helped me out a lot with getting me moved and fixing up my place and I am very thankful to them for it.

Guy's Fourth Birthday Part-ly

Guy turned another year older last month. His birthday came just a few weeks after we moved, which didn't give him much time to make new friends to invite to his party. We were discussing who we would invite and the first two people he mentioned were Frank and X. I tried to let him down genly by telling him that neither of them will be able to come. I hadn't hearf from X in months and Frank has been acting like a psycho path. I could tell Guy's feelings were hurt pretty badly. From then on his attitude changed as if he felt like no one liked him.

One is his real dad and the other one wanted more than anything to at least be able to pretend to be his dad and loved hearing him call him that. I hope I can find a MAN that can step up to the plate and deserve to called Guy's dad.

I made an effort to pass out invitations to his class at his new preschool and I talked to a couple of the mothers of his friends in his old neighborhood. I figured only a few would show up, but I figured they would have so much fun at the park that he wouldn't notice.

I got a smiley face piniata and blew up some balloons. Grandma brought a cake and Grandpa hung the piniata in the tree. Then we all played frisbee while waiting for some guests to arrive.

Since the rain clouds got there first, we decided to go ahead and let Guy start swinging at the yellow smiley face with the stick. Man did he wack that thing hard. He beat it to a bloody, er card board pulp till it burst open and spilled the candy and toys.

We gathered them up quickly as we felt rain drops trickling through the trees. We watched him quickly unwrap his presents as the rain began to pick up. We opted to go move the party to our house to have some cake.

On the way home, the rain came pooring down. Then I thought at first that there was a truck kicking up rocks on our windshield, then I realized there was no one in front of me. It had begun to Hail! So much so that we stayed in the car when we got to our house and waited for it to cease. The hail finally stopped, but the rain didn't. We dodged into the house with the cake and presents. I was in my baithing suit and a little cover up so I was particularly cold. It wasn't a nice warm summer rain. It was a mean ole' cold one right out of the month of November.

After having some cake, Guy wanted to try out his new squirt guns he got from Grandpa. One has a face guard and everything. They filled up the guns and took them outside. When they ran out of water they started throwing hail balls!

The Church of Song and Dance

A few days after I moved in, my landlord mentioned to me that he does interpretive dance at his church. I was very surprised. First that he dances and second that he dances at church! He had my interest regardless of how silly it sounded. I said it sounded like my kind of church because I love to dance. He invited us to join him the following Sunday.

We followed him to the Christian Fellowship church in Murray. The services started in this carpeted auditorium complete with a stage and a sound and tech room in the back. When the door opened to the room the music filled my soul and I felt feelings that I had always identified as The Spirit. Most of the audience was seated or standing in front of their seats with their arms in the air and palms up as if it were raining and they were catching the rain drops in their hands. Then there were others between the seats and the stage who were standing, swaying, subtly dancing, waving taffeta flags, kneeling and even laying on the floor. The majority of the audience was singing along to the band (complete with drums and electric guitars) on the stage. It was light Christian Rock, which I can't say I am familiar with, but I would describe it as such.

Guy was anxious to go after a few minutes, but I talked him into staying to the end. He coaxed me to come with him up in the front where our landord was who was doing his interpretive dance (he was dancing more with his arms than his legs, just making patterns and such to the music). We stood behind him and I was tapping my feet and probably swaying a little.

They offered the sacrament with wine and tiny bits of bread or such. We didn't take any, I was feeling shy I guess or just unsure of what my feelings are on the whole thing, so we just watched.

After the first hour they broke out into classes. I took Guy to the class for his age and I was planning to stay with him in the class, but when he saw the blankets and stuffed animals laid out on the floor he figured they were going to be taking naps and said he would rather take a nap at home. The teacher explained that they are just going to sit on them today because the lesson was on the Sabbath being the day of rest.

There was no convincing him. I didn't mind that he didn't want to stay, although it would have been nice to talk to the hot dad that said he was staying with his daughter too. Oh, well. We went to Marie calendar's and had the breakfast buffet instead. Mmm Mmm.

The next Sunday Guy didn't want to go to church and I didn't feel it was worth fighting him over. We were already having a morning battle the other 5 days of the week. So we held our own church services at home. I pumped up some dance music on my computer and started dancing around the house. Then we took turns running and jumping and leaping across the carpet.

I must say, it sure got my Spirits Up!

From Devil to Angel

Guy was having a really tough time with the move. From the moment I picked him up from preschool till the moment he fell asleep we were fighting and arguing. He was nasty and rebellious and fought me for the sake of fighting and over the stupidest things. He would scratch or kick or hit me if I didn't give him the answer he wanted. One night he grabbed a hold of my watch and pulled it so that the elastic broke and pearls went scattering all over the room.

I hated having to yell at him and spank him or drag him into the bedroom, but I knew I had to remain strong. At the same time I tried to show sympathy for him because I know he was missing Frank and Grandma and Grandpa and all his friends at preschool and getting used to a new place. I would ask him how he is feeling and I tried to be understanding. We made several visits to my parents and they came here on a couple of Saturdays to help me get things in order in the apartment.

The Primary put on a neighborhood parade with Heros as the theme. We got him a Bat Man costume and brought his batman car from my parents' house so he could drive it in the parade. I told him he would not get to wear the costume if he couldn't behave. Grandma and Grandpa came up to see him in the parade, but they arrived just in time to see him throw one of his worst fits ever so he did not get to wear the costume in the parade. Instead, we caught the tail end of the parade and followed it to the park and had a good time there where we showed G&P the baseball diamond and the fishing pond.

Finally, after three weeks of this behavior he told me one night as we were laying in bed about to go to sleep that he has four girlfriends at preschool. He said that he kissed one of them and the teacher saw them and it was funny.

I could see that he was starting to make some friends at preschool and his behavior at home was improving. After a month now he is like an angel. He is more obedient than he was before we moved. When I ask him to do something he just says, "OK, Mom" and he actually does it!

He spent last Saturday with Grandpa going fishing and shopping at Cabela's. Grandpa was happy to report that he did not throw one fit! Previously, there would have been at least one incident or scene.

I am so happy to have my best friend, cuddle buddy, Guy Smiley back =)

Moving Day

Guy and I woke up early after staying at my new apartment to go pick up the Uhaul that my friend rented for me. We drove the truck to my parents' house where we were greeting by my dad. His big question was, "[Trixie], WHAT is going on?"

"I told you yesterday. I found this great deal on an apartment and I want to move out to have a place of my own and some independence again."

"So, this doesn't have anything to do with a guy or anything? You're not shacking up with someone? Because it just seems a little suspicious how you made such a hasty decision and you stayed over there without bringing any bedding or anything else."

"No, I told you, he already had a bed there that he set up for Guy and I. I have been contemplating moving out for some time now, but I just didn't have the opportunity financially. This will be closer to my work and it's a killer deal so I didn't want to let it go."

"OK, well that's a relief because it's not unheard of, you know. Your cousin Jamie is and Dayna did."

"What, Dayna did? But she's married"... (and in the temple although they are no longer active).

"Well, never mind about that." my dad said. I still don't understand how or when that happened, but then again I don't keep in touch with her although it sounds like a good idea now for some reason.

My mom called a short while after that to also find out the answer to the big question. I heard my dad telling her, "No, she's not shacking up with some guy, just her Guy," followed by a relieved laugh.

I was glad he and Aaron were around to help me load up the truck with all of my stuff that day.

We met for lunch and Kari came along. She often keeps a book with her that she is reading. Well today, coincidently she had with her: In Quiet Desperation, which is about a young man who committed suicide at a church building because of his struggle with being a member and his same-gender attraction.

Of course, this opened up a discussion which was an opportunity for Kari to help resolve my issue on the subject. After talking with her privately later, I suspect it is her that must have had more of an issue on the subject than I ever have. She wasn't able to speak the words, but she led me to believe that she herself has struggled with same-gender attraction and this book has helped her understand her plight.

The Secret is out

My phone rang from the pocket of my overalls as I was trying to fall asleep on my back in the single bed next to Guy. It was my brother. I had an idea what he would be calling about. He had just been informed by my ex-fiance that I was no longer going to church, that I had been dating a non-member, I wasn't always wearing my garments and I suspect that he may have divulged another secret that my brother didn't admit to.

My brother called to find out if what he had heard was true. I give him credit for coming to the source in search of the truth instead of taking Frank's word for it.

We talked for an hour until my phone died. He mostly wanted to let me know that he among other are concerned for me etc. He also asked me what my concerns are with the church. I shared some major points that came to mind like practicing of what they called 'Blood Atonement' in the early days of the church which was basically cold murder and totaly misinterpreted the purpose of Jesus Christ's Atonement, the contradictions of the BoM and the Bible and the lack of physical evidence to support the BoM and the geographical evidence that supports that he made up the story using the names of cities near by and stole portions of the story from another book he read, the castration of a young man who refused to give up his bride-to-be to a Bishop who already had over a dozen wives, the fact that there were actually more men than women in the church durring the time of polygamy (that was the only way I was able to previously justify polygamy in my own mind, by thinking that there were all these single mothers with no one to help support their families), the former treatment by the church towards blacks and gays, the similarities of the temple ordinances and the Free Masons plus the so called sacred penalties that were removed from the ordinance after a survey conducted by the church among the members who had attended the temple to find out how they felt about their experience in the temple and if and why they had not returned.....I may have mentioned a few other issues I have to him.

My brother had already made up his mind that he would try to resolve all of my issues with the church. He believes there must be an explanation to all of it so he asked me the question, "If you were to learn that the church is true, what would you do about it?"

Of course I told him that I would live my life accordingly. He was glad to know that I am interested in the truth. The problem is, I just don't believe that I will find it among the Mormons. Their so called "Truths" are based on Faith. A scientist cannot submit a new Law until he thoroughly tests his hypothysis and provides physical evidence. Even Jesus Christ understood that need. He came back to show his hands and feet as evidence that he had been resurrected. Where is the proof that any of the BoM ever existed? Where are the ruins or the bones of all of the thousands that died in the great battle? Where are these gold plates?

I'm sorry to be a sceptic, but I cannot go back to that way of thinking, of following in blind faith. Although I tried, God I tried, and maybe I was even close to being married in the temple but it seemed like a carrot on a string, so close that I could almost taste it and it was being passed from one guy to another and I would turn and run in whatever direction it was going or even in circles trying to reach it. The game got old and I realized that I don't even like carrots that much anyway.

Aaron was on a mission now to find answers to any and all of my questions and concers about the church. Kari aparently, has done some heavy questioning of the church while she was in college and knows a professor who seems to have all the answers. Aaron was sure that he would be a good source.

Aaron committed me to send him an email listing all of my concerns and citing all my sources from the internet.

I don't think I could find half of them again and I really didn't have the time to be concerned with trivial things but I told him I would. He is still waiting for that email, though I have at least gathered some previous posts from here that I thought would be helpful.

I was suspicious that they might have been reading my blog so I have been a little shy about what I share on here. I know now by their surprise that they obviously have not been reading. I don't know if this will enspire them to or not. I know I sent them the link when I first started my blog, not knowing that I would later wish to keep it private from them.

I asked him if he was planning to tell our parents. He felt like he couldn't hold them back much longer because of their suspisions about me moving out. I didn't see how that had anything to do with it all, but that is when my phone died.

Trixie the Accountant?

I registered at this temp agency after I lost my last job. A process I have done many many times, but never have I taken so many program and skills tests on the computer, 6 in all. I mentioned all the software programs that I have used and they happened to have a test for this accounting one. When I say used, I use the term very lightly. All I did was put a few letters in one cell on a few hundred accounts. But I took their test and I guessed on the answers well enough that I scored higher than all 7 other people who had tested for it in that city. Crazy. So, they were convinced that I would do well at an accounting job.

I have always kind of steared clear of accounting and banking because it makes me nervous to be responsible for other people's money.

I took an accounting job in spite of my fears. My job is to review the expense reports and enter them in the system. I guess I caught on pretty quickly, it's fairly easy but does take some brain power and problem solving skills. I actually enjoy it.

The company was just recently bought out so there is a temporary hiring freeze. My took the job as temp to perm. I think they would like to hire me, it will be a matter of whether they are able to. I hope if and when they do hire me it will come with a pay raise.

Progressively Punk Rock

Guy has been needing a haircut for a month now. I didn't have much money to take him in to get it cut, and it's almost become an emergency because he can't see through his hair hanging over his eyes, so I made the brave attempt to cut his hair.

I am not the most skilled hair cutter, but I understand the concept. Only problem was I don't have the proper tools. I had a pair of fabric scissors that had tiny teeth on them for fine materials so Guy complain about them pulling his hair. My next choice was the giant kitchen scissors. I didn't even have a regular comb, only an oversized one with 2" long teeth. (Gesh all these teeth, one would think I was chewing his hair off.)

Before I even touched his head, he started crying at the sight of me coming at him with this giant comb and giant scissors. "No, it's going to hurt, don't do it," He would tell me.

I promised him I would cut it in the form of a mohawk for him which he as been wanting since Frank suggested it last summer. I held off because I knew my dad would freak, so I figured now that we were in our own place he wouldn't have to see it as much and the complaints would be more infrequent.

I got one front section almost done when I realized I was clearly losing the battle of mind and strength. He put himself to bed and I tried to lay some guilt on him by painting a picture of all his friends laughing at him at preschool the next day because of his lopsided hair cut. He just said he can be a clown and it will be funny.

Goodness, if he isn't worried about it, I figured I shouldn't be either.

The next night I got about as far on the other side of his head when he had enough again.

Three days this haircut took! Finally, I sat him down in front of a movie where he couldn't see what I was doing in the mirror and I was actually able to finish his haircut!


(Pictures coming soon)

The Dog House

I made a fast decision (knowing that the bomb was about to drop) to move out. I had been planning, and hoping and plotting to for several months now and wishing for even longer than that. It finally became a reality. Granted it's no dream home. It is a little dark and stuffy and spiders and dogs haven't been the most tidy tenants. But it's in a nice neighborhood (A Mormon Bishop on one side and some Harley riders on the other side. I thinks it's pretty ironic that I should be living between the two. The street is packed with boys Guy's age and older to play baseball, basketball, football, soccer, and whatever other game they can think of to play with balls.

Guy was excited to have dogs and he began calling it the dog house to differentiate between our house and Grandma and grandpa's house. I wasn't really fond of the new name for my cherished apartment.

The first night we stayed in the basement apartment, I could not sleep because of the dog stench. The owner has three large dogs and he has to keep one of them segregated from the other two, so he was keeping him in a cage down there. The bed we slept on was right next to another cage that also reeked. I was eager to start vacuuming up the rugs and carpet in attempt to lessen the smell. When the landlord told me that I could pull up the stained carpet in the dining area that was laid down on ceramic tile like the rest of the basement I celebrated!

I pulled all the carpet up myself. I used gloves because it was so unsanitary. I even pulled up all the tack strips by myself. Last weekend my parents came to help me get up the remaining glue from the strips and wipe down the walls.

Yesterday was the first day that I was able to walk in and not be bit in the nose by the smell of dog! Yay!!

Please Note the Other New Posts Below...

Texas Toast

Casual Camping

More ER Adventures With Guy Smiley


My next posts will tell about my new job and my new apartment. That's right. I finally did it!

Also, how I got off the hook from having to break the news to my parents and how they are coping.

A Frank Encounter of the Third Kind

I thought last weeks events would be difficult to top, but it proved to be easier than I realized.

For the third time in the last couple of weeks Guy became somber. When I asked him what was wrong he would tell me that he missed Frank. The other two times, I just dismissed it and tried to explain that Frank won't be coming around any more, but that he still loved and cared for him.

This time I realized it was breaking his heart and that broke mine. My parents would be out of town for the weekend, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to find out if Frank would like to have him stay over one or two night. I hadn't spoken to or emailed him for several weeks so I figured enough time had passed that things had cooled off between us that I could have a normal conversation with him. I was wrong.

He went on again about why he thinks I broke up with him. Never mind that I have given him all my reasons several times already, he still has to come up with his own that he likes better. He even thought that I had ulterior motives in calling him to see if he would like to visit with Guy. He assumed that I was desperate for a sitter because my parents were gone, so I could go out dancing or on some date. Well true, I had plans for both Friday and Saturday, but I could have easily found another sitter without calling Frank. He was the first one I called because Guy wanted to see him, but nothing I say has any validity with him. He dismisses anything I tell him. So he acted like he would be doing me a big favor and let me know that he would cancel his plans so that he could see him. I was fed up and I told him a couple of times that I wasn't going to go through with it because I didn't want to deal with his accusations and belittling.

I guess I'm a sucker because I let him talk me into allowing it. We were to meet up on Friday afternoon in NE SL. We were a little early, so we kept cool by going into TGIF and ordered some lunch. I checked my phone and found that I had missed a call from the temp agency. I was expecting to learn the results of a few job interviews I had the days prior. Sure enough, I had been offered a job with LANDesk Software. It was a temp to hire position paying $10/hr. I was a little disappointed because there was another job I interviewed for that had earlier hours and paid $2 more /hour plus 1/2 hour lunch break. When I asked them about it they told me it had been filled internally, so I probably really had no chance at that job anyway. They just had to interview some one from the outside to keep it legal probably, and that was me. So of course I took the other offer.

Our food got there just after Frank arrived. He was spacing out and couldn't even focus enough to eat. He had been working all morning/day doing some construction job. He says he hadn't had much sleep the nights before either.

I was enjoying lunch and he kept prying and asking me questions about my personal life. He wanted to know what I was up to. I wish I could remember the question that lead me to finally spill the beans to him about my not going to church any more. I had been holding back from telling him for the last three months because he was still making visits to my parents house and I didn't want him to open his big mouth about it in front of my parents or something. I had just barely told him when I got a call from this guy I have seen a few times. I would have let it go except that he called me last week and I didn't answer and never called him back. So I just picked it up to ask him if I could call him back later.

Of course this made Frank even more jealous and curious and his questioning became even more personal. I answered his question without saying anything. At this he flew off the handle. He got up and walked around the back of the table and I'm sure he saw that I wasn't wearing my garments because my shirt had inched up a bit and exposed my (gasp) SKIN! He bent over to hug Guy and he just told him over and over that he loved him as if he said it enough times it might keep his soul from burning in Hell because of his wicked mother. He said to me as the waitress replaced my lemonade, "You disgust me!" I had had enough and I told him I didn't' need to hear this from him. He disagreed and said that I did and he said it again.

I got up and grabbed my purse and ripped Guy out of his arms and started for the door. He followed behind me and I turned to him and asked if he was going or staying. If he was going I would have stayed, but when he said he didn't know I told him I was leaving and he could pay for lunch. I nearly ran to the car with Guy in my arms. He must have thrown a $20 at them because he was right behind me after I got Guy in, trying to stop me from getting in my car. I pushed on his shoulder and said excuse me to get through him and into my car. He said, "Don't touch me." He then moved out of my way for me to get in, but held the door open so I couldn't close it. We tugged it back and forth a few times. I'm surprised it didn't damage the car door. I was angry and I did what I do when I try to get Guy's attention, I clapped my hands at him and told him to let go of the door. Ha, I'm sure that was a real threat to him. Then I screamed at him to let me go. I saw him look up from me and let go of the door. I looked where he was looking and saw that one of the girls from the restaurant had come out the door and was headed straight for him.

I slammed the door and took off as fast as I could to get the Hell out of there. Of course he followed me from there too. He pulled up next to me at the stop light and started yelling at me from the window. I took a right turn into the neighborhood and he turned from the middle lane to follow me. We were approaching a red light that turned green just at I came upon it and I turned left in front of the other traffic so he couldn't follow me.

My adrenalin was going and I was paranoid about him following me. I kept looking in my rear view mirror expecting to see him turn up. Once on the freeway, Guy tells me that I forgot to put his belt on him.

The next few hours were filled with phone messages from him saying that if I don't answer he is going to show up at my parents house and how he wants me to give back anything that he gave me because I was using him and I don't deserve it. He threatened to call my parents to tell them about my leaving the church because of how much I have hurt him. I begged him not to.

He went back and forth a few times about whether or not he would tell them. I explained how I wanted to tell them myself, but I was waiting until I could be out of the house first so I didn't have to be in the house while they came to terms with it. I also preferred that hey hear it from me rather than some one like him, whom they really don't have much respect for anyway.

I didn't hear from him for a couple of days when he had finally cooled off and he apologized for yelling at me and pulling a Jerry Springer on me at the restaurant. I was looking at apartments that same day. He wanted to let me know that he still cared about me and hoped that we could be friends. I told him I didn't think we could be friends because I would always feel like he is judging me or showing pity on my when I don't want or need either, esp from him.

I had just looked at this place that was advertised as two rooms for rent in a house owned by an older gentleman. After seeing that he also had a basement with two bedrooms, a bathroom, a living area and a wet bar, I asked if we could arrange for me to rent out the basement portion of the house instead. He was cool with that and I told him I would get back to him with plans to possibly move out the upcoming weekend.

On my way home Frank called me again and starts out with, "This is hard for me to do." I knew he was about to do or say something foolish, or both. He proceeded to share the story with me again about when he used to do Crystal meth and he observed that the lady who dealt it to him had a baby that she allowed to crawl on the floor, where he was sure that it had probably found and taken some of the drugs floating around her house. He shared with me how he debated whether or not he should report her. He eventually did and he felt like it was the right thing and she did some time in jail etc.

Then he had the nerve to compare that situation to my own because he was concerned for the salvation of Guy. I was furious. I told him that was ridiculous and that there is no comparison because I am not endangering my own life or Guy's by choosing not to go to church. I guess his mind was made up. He had counseled with his sisters as to what to do and the decision was made for and in behalf of me that my parents needed to be aware of my situation because they love me.

Where was my choice in all of this? He claimed that I told him for a reason. That I wanted him to know and I was telling him as a cry for help. Give me a break!!! I told him because he kept asking for it. I had been avoiding the subject with him for three months and I was just fine with him not knowing. He said he was going to break my promise to me and tell my parents. I panicked and called the house to warn my dad that he might call, but not to listen to him. There was no answer there, so I called my mother's cell phone. She answered and I told her that Frank was at it again and that he might call her. I suggested that she just not answer his call. She was more concerned for the safety of Guy and I and not terribly surprised that he as out of control.

When I got off the phone with her, Frank called again and told me that he called my brother instead. He told me how my brother thanked him over and over again. How he said that I'm the only sister he's got then Frank filled in on how much my family loves me and that he did it out of love and concern for me. Funny thing is, his act of love made me want to rip his eyes out.

I called up the landlord to the basement apt that I had just looked at and asked if I could move in as soon as tomorrow and give him the rent on Friday. Thankfully he agreed. I called up another boyfriend of mine who I had shared this all with and he wanted to help. He volunteered to rent the U-haul for me the next morning. That helped me out so very much. I also called Paul to ask if he could send me the money back from my portion of the flight, which he offered to do when I gave it to him. He was happy to help me get on my own.

Much thanks to both of you for helping me! Mooah!

My New Haircut

What do you think?

The Ritual is Over

I did it! I cut my hair off. It's pretty short. I think I just about got rid of any permed or colored hair. I think the cut is what I want, but I didn't have any more short hair products around so I couldn't style it like I wanted today. I picked up some new stuff at the store today. I'll find out tomorrow if it works like I want it to. I can't believe, by the way that Bed Head can charge $18 for a tiny jar of hair gel!!! I'm proud to say I only paid $3 for mine....then go back two days later and get the Bed Head out of frustration. HA!

I'll post a picture when I get it looking like I want.

Of course my father was not pleased, but what else is new?

There is so much

It has been an eventful few weeks. Some of which I am anxious to share, some you wish I would share, but I will not.

The Highlights include:

Taking Guy to the ER

Being Laid off of my job

_______ ________ _________

A Family Camping trip, including sun burn.

Breaking up with my boyfriend (which will soon invoke a major haircut, of course)

Going on a Secret Trip to Texas

(This one may not be of interest to you, but I sure am excited of the idea of having a bed to myself, as I train Guy to sleep in his own now bunk bed.)

Working at a temp Job and the friend I made there

My parents suggesting that it's time for me to move out

Unemployed

Shortly after I began working at the reception job in Springville they had to let go of their senior sales person. They discovered that he had been submitting false orders. We were getting calls from customers saying that they received some product or part that they never ordered.

There was a police investigation and he went on the run from the law. Not even his wife knew his whereabouts. I don't even know if she knows now.

At any rate, this set the company back quite a bit and they were slow on sales too, so they were forced to make some cut back and I guess I was one of them.

They said how they expect the business to pick up in another month or two, and if I am still looking for work by then they would love to hire me back but they would understand if I found another job. I could tell they really regretted having to do this. They told me they would be happy to give me a good reference even.

I wasn't too terribly disappointed considering I was still secretly looking for other work even after they hired me because I was not happy with the pay and I was totally bored there.

For now I am doing some temp work and practice transcription until I can find work again.

Casual Camping

My family decided that they wanted to go camping the weekend before July 4th. They chose a camp ground in the Alpine Canyon which was only about 15 minutes from our house. They reserved two sites for 4 days, but we rarely stayed over night there. My dad and Guy were the only ones ready to stay over the first night and the second night I opted to go out dancing and my parents and Guy came back to the house at about 9:30 to get a pillow for my mom and when they returned to the campground t hey had been locked out so they had to turn around and come back home to sleep. We finally all got it together to stay over on the last night; my parents, Guy and I and my brother and sis-in-law.

Saturday my mother went fishing with my dad. It was the first time my mother had actually fished. I was glad to see the two of them doing somehing like that together and especially my mother showing some interest in my dad's hobbies. Guy and I joined them with sub sandwiches. I layed out on the shore in my swimming suit to catch some sun on this white body of mine. (No sunblock of course because I didn't want to block the sun. I wanted to absorb it). Well absorb it I did. I was glowing by about 5pm.

We all agreed that we didn't really care to go camping again. It takes so much time to pack up all the gear for us to get sun burnt and lay around at the hot camp site, then get eaten by mosquitos at night, only to turn around again and have to unpack, wash off and put away the camping gear. My parents had a good idea to only take day trips in the future so they don't have to worry about all the extra gear for sleeping. Yuck, it's too much like moving.

And all those bugs...who needs em?

Texas Toast

I had been planning this trip to Texas for at least a month. I made the decision when I was politely univited to my friend's wedding in Sacramento. I let my parents believe that I was still planning to go to the wedding, but that it would be just a day later when she had planned the parties with friends and family, when instead I actually went to Austin to visit my boyfriend that didn't even know I had been seeing.

The week before I was scheduled to go, I almost called it off with Paul. Things were getting pretty intense between us and I was feeling pressured into doing things that I would not have done on my own. I feel like I was in a pretty vulnerable state still while we were going out. I was still exploring and getting to know myself again and Paul liked to test my boundaries and push them to the limit. My initial reaction was usually, "Hell no." But with a little persistance I would give in.

I sensed that things would only escalate if we became more serious, but he seemed to think otherwise. I figured it was worth a shot and I followed through with my plans to visit him.

He was on his way back from SF that weekend and it turned out that we would be on the same flight from SL to Austin. I met him at the airport when his flight arrived and we spend the afternoon together while waiting for the later flight to Austin. It was within the first few hours that we realized that although we had kept in touch through emails, IMs and phone we still didn't know each other as well as we thought. We both agreed that it was not going to work out between us, but we figured we would make the best of our time together anyway.

Thanks for the dances Paul. I wish there had been more.

More ER Adventures With Guy Smiley

I got a call at work from Guy's daycare. They had the pleasure of informing me that guy put a rock up his nose!

I guess he did it earlier that morning while they were playing outside on the play set in the gravel. They came in and while watching a movie one of the other kids noticed that Guy's nose was bleeding and went and toldt he teacher. They talked to Guy and found out that he put a rock in his nose. They tried to see it with a flash light but couldn't. It was obviously desturbing him because he was crying off and on about it.

I called his doctor to ask what could be done. I took him to a local Insta-care to see what the Dr. there could do. He was able to see the rock, but it was way up on the floor of his nose. He must have sniffed it up there because a finger couldn't reach that far. The Dr. had him try to blow his nose to see if it would come out at all. It didn't seem to help any. He made a few more attempts to reach into the nose of his unwilling patient, but any time he got to a certain point Guy would start flailing about even with the nurse and I holding him down.

The Dr. suggested we take him to the ER. He figured we would have to sedate him in order to get it out. We were given our old waiting room of the ER. The one he had when he had pneumonia dn bronccialitis. The Dr figured out a way to get out the rock with a tool they use for removing galstones. It's a long narrow straw with a small inflatable balloon that comes out the one end. It took two male nurses and the Dr, with Guy in a papoose in order to get it out. It was pretty quick and pretty much painless without having to put his to sleep.

I suspect he just wanted to spend some time with Mom for the afternoon in his old ER room. Probably hoped we would go for a ride in the ambulance again too ;) He even got a big red popsicle from the nurses.

My Lips Are Sealed

My collection of secrets is multiplying. The task of keeping them all straight and in the closet is becoming more challenging. I fear that the next time I go to put something away in there, the stack of skeletons will come tumbling out.

I'll be keeping this weeks adventures behind closed doors for as long as I can manage.

I'm Surrounded

I tried to get out swing dancing last Friday, but I was counting on my parents being home in time to watch Guy for me. They were gone before I got back from work and they didn't get home until 11pm. So, Saturday I had even more determination to go out. I am not interested in the BYU swing dances any more on Saturdays. I never get asked to dance there. So, I elected to go out club dancing, which I haven't done in ages and I miss.

My parents assumed that I was going swing dancing since that's all I have been doing lately. As I was getting ready, my father said that he hopes I meet a nice young man there. He said that he and my mom would say a prayer for me that I would.

I would have liked to have a friend to go with, but since I don't have any these days, and certainly not one that would be willing to come dancing with me, I went alone. I went to Area 51 because I have been there before and I had a pretty good idea what to expect. They played Alternative, Techno, Dance and Industrial. I just walked in, put down my purse and stepped on the dance floor, where I remained for the next hour or so until they played a mild rap song which must have been sending subliminal messages in Spanish saying ask the white girl in yellow to dance, because Mexicans started coming out of the woodwork/plywood to ask me to dance.

I was just enjoying dancing with myself and when I turned around I found a gang of three short Mexican guys lined up next to each other watching me dance. I got scared off and danced myself out of their radar gaze. One came up to me with his arm around my shoulders and asked me if I would dance with him. I shook my head and smiled. He acted hurt, but what hurt him worse is when I began dancing close with another guy who asked me to dance.

We danced together for a while. Then he bought me some water and we took a break from dancing for a bit. We danced again until it was time to go. We walked out together and I told him how far I had to go to get to my car, so he offered to give me a ride to my car. We get to his car and we continue making out, mingled with conversation. He had a white shirt on under his button up shirt. I asked if I can take of his buttoned shirt off for him. He let me and I discovered that it was no Hanes or Fruit of the Loom T shirt. It was a garment shirt. I was puzzled to find that he is Mormon because of the way he was dancing with me earlier. I asked him if he was, which at this point I already knew the answer. He asked me if I was too. I laughed and told him I used to be. I found it pretty hysterical and it pretty much put an end to what might have happened because he wanted to know why I don’t go to church any more and he asked me to share what I found about the church. He said I sound like I am just hurt. Yeah, I am hurt. I’m hurt because I found out that I have devoted my life to a church that has been lying to me.

He didn’t get it. He asked me if I would like to go to church with him to the Spanish ward. “Not really.” I said, “It disgusts me.”

He kept telling me that he wants to see me again, but I tried to make it clear that I am not interested in returning to church. It didn’t phase him too much.

He came down the next day, Sunday evening to pick up his car and in hopes that I would be free to see him for a while. I couldn’t leave Guy with my parents again after being gone all day already. The next weekend he came down again on Saturday and Sunday. He just drives into town and calls me on his way and would expect me to be free.
Well Mom and Dad, your prayers were answered. I met a nice Mormon boy after all. Ha! Isn’t it ironic?!

Another Bishop's interview

The bishop called me into his office again to follow up on our last appointment. When he called me to set the appointment, which he usually has the secretary do, he mentioned that he would be meeting with Jeremy just before our appointment and it would be nice if we could accidentally run into each other on purpose.

I've been a good sport about it all so far, but anything beyond this would be too much. He has been given several opportunities to ask me out, but he seems to be either too shy or not interested. Besides, if he were interested I would only break his heart.

I got there on time this time and the Bishop went over, probably to ensure that I would be there before they got out. They came out of his office and we exchanged hand shakes. The Bishop asked me if I made it to the Young Adult ward today. I hadn't, but I told him I did. Jeremy asked, "Oh, I didn't see you there." Since when did he start going to the YA ward? I never saw him there, the three times I actually attended. Plus he is over 30. I had to think fast to come up with another lie to cover up the last lie I told the bishop.

"I was in the foyer because I came late." Phew, they bought it. He sat on the back row because he was late too.

The Bishop was supposed to follow up with me about attending the family ward's sacramento meeting in addition to the YA ward. He didn't even bring it up. And that's fine because I was going to tell him that I didn't think it was necessary.

He did finally back off a little about going out with Jeremy. He said that if he didn't meet my personal standards then he wouldn't want to pressure me into going out with him. But his solution to my problems was still the same. That I need to get married to a good, rich man.

Geee, Thanks for your confidence, Bishop.

Kara's Wedding

I was in Sacramento last weekend for the wedding of a close friend of mine. I would say we were best friends for several years. We used to work together. We both served missions. We did all manner of girly things together. She is the closest thing I've ever had to a sister. She has been dating this convert from Mexico for a couple of years. I expected them to be married in the temple, but they had a civil wedding in her parent's back yard. I didn't pry to find out why they didn't go to the temple. It would probably be pretty easy to guess. I didn't spend lot of time with her before the wedding, perhaps I planned it that way subconsciously. She does not yet know about my new religious development and I wasn't ready to tell her. I especially didn't want to draw attention away from her on her big day. I will tell her when the time is right. Another friend of mine in Sacramento, Teri took the missionary discussions with some other member friends while we were in High School. I understood that she would have joined but her parents asked her to wait until she was 18. I spent quite a bit of time with her on my last visit and we talked about the church and my decision to leave it. She said that she was really turned off by how each Sunday she was told another thing that she could NOT do. When one of the teachers started telling her that even hot chocolate was technically against the Word of Wisdom, that was the final straw for her. When I first told Teri over the phone about my discovery, after her shock and awe she responded with, "Aww, little Trixter is growing up."

I guess I wasn't under the impression that being a member of the church indicated that I was not growing up. I felt that it made me quite mature, actually. Afterall, I had nearly mastered the art of resistance by being a member of the church. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, listen to hardcore rock & roll (and I don’t mean Elvis Presley), dress immodestly, swear, lie, cheat, steal, watch R rated movies, gamble, shop or work on Sundays. Hell, I even served a full time mission while I didn't even get to listen to music other than church hymns, read any books besides the standard works, visit or call friends, watch movies (besides church videos), go on dates, go dancing, go swimming, take naps, sleep in or stay up late. There are few people who could manage to live within such strict guidelines, but I did. I was a pretty darn ...no Damn obedient missionary. I used to say that I wouldn't trade my mission experience for the World because I learned so much. I think now I would have gotten more out of what I wanted to do more than serve a mission, which was to join the Peace Corps. I wanted to devote at least a portion of my life to helping people. I'm sure I would have done more good by joining the Peace Corps than I did on my mission, even with the few hours of service we did in the rest homes which at the time, I felt was a poor excuse for community service. So I found out that I am not at mature as I thought. That’s ok, though because I feel like I am finally on the right track. I thought I had all the answers to life given to me in a nice little package. All I had to do was 'hold to the rod'. As it turns out, the way to happiness isn't a road of rules and restrictions at all, but simply one of love, kindness and understanding of others, including ourselves. It felt so nice to be able to be myself around Teri. I even showed off my new underwear to her. She said, “When did you get a cute butt?” Then she began to wonder who I was and what I did with her prude friend. I told her I am Trixie’s evil twin, and that I have taken over, so her ‘prude’ friend won’t be coming back.

Teri and I decided to leave the reception a little early to take off to San Francisco for some Salsa dancing. I think the name of the place we went is something like La Coca Rocco. I’m probably way, off, but something like that. Translated it probably means, ‘The Cockroach’ or something. It’s a cool place though. One of Teri’s old boyfriend’s took her there when they were dating. Then Teri took Kara and I a few nights just before I moved out to Utah, but we got there kind of late that night.

This time we got there just before the band started and the place was just filling up. There were a lot more people than last time. Both of us hardly sat down because we were always being asked to dance. The first guy that asked me to dance became pretty fond of me and kept coming back for more. He was pretty fun to dance with too because he let me get creative.
Teri met an admirer too. I guess they really hit it off because last I heard he was driving up to Sacramento the next night to go salsa dancing with her again!

Channel 7, Up to Heaven

I visited the Yahoo group, Freestone that I mentioned in my post for Near Death Experiences. I have only read a few of the stories so far, and I wanted to share a couple of the ones that left an impression on me.

Both came from people who are channellers, or a person that communicates for another spirit.

The first is from a lady who shortly after the fall of the Twin Towers wanted to see if she could contact one of the hijackers of the planes. She was able to make contact and this is what she learned from him.

He is in a dark, black space. He can see other spirits as gray forms, but he has not been able to communicate to them, although he has tried. He thinks they may not be able to see him. It has been communicated to him that he will be made to experience the pain and deaths of all of those who’s lives his choices have affected, including the suffering of their family and loved ones as a result of their deaths. He is experiencing it in Earth’s time, which will take him many lifetimes before this process is completed.
He has also been told that those who assisted in the plotting of these acts will experience the same torment as he is now, even those who celebrated in the events will experience many of the same things.

He was lied to by those who plotted the attack. They told him how he would be praised in heaven as a hero, but obviously he is highly disappointed. He has tried to communicate his condition to his family, but they do not hear him because of their beliefs.

The channeller didn’t realize she had remained with him in her sleep and she woke up screaming because her chest felt like it had been crushed.

Here is another channeller who has communicated with Mary, Mother of Jesus. You can view the whole message here. http://www.baproducts.com/pred2002.htm

Her ending note is what I liked best: …..I call you to change your inner life. If you are unforgiving and hating any person then stop, forgive them and yourself. If you are not living in inner peace because of addiction or past abuse, forgive. If you are filled with anger, resolve it. If you live in fear, eliminate it from your life and trust in God. Go within; cleanse your heart and mind of all that keeps you from experiencing inner peace, and all that is not loving. Pray, and pray, and pray for yourself, your loved ones and for your world. Yet never forget that you are spirit and that your life on earth is temporary and not at all your entire life. For you live eternally and when you die on earth your spirit lives. You and all of us were created as spirits in God's image and likeness. Human is your temporary condition; spirit is your permanent condition. Love yourself unconditionally and love your loved ones, make peace with estranged family members ... and yes, this means you. Forgive all things, for nothing is more important than this. You came to bring peace to earth; you do it one at a time, one life at a time. You can live in peace now. You can have a bright future now, it takes your prayers, your belief, and you changing and cleansing your inner life.

Mary, Mother of Jesus-
This was enlightening to me because the Mormons teach that we will be resurrected with our physical bodies but in a perfected state. They say that we will have immortal bodies, but not ones of flesh and blood.

From what I have read, our Spirit bodies still take on a physical shape. They can be seen and recognized (not by all) and they have all of their senses. People who have spoken of having out of body experiences have expressed how heavy and restricting they realize their bodies are after they return to them. At least Mormons were right about angels not having feathered wings ;)

Back to Beans and Rice

For about one summer, I decided I would experiment with being vegitarian, even vegan for a while. My ensentive was better health because I have always fought acne and I had read several sources that suggested that one's diet can be the cause and the cure. I even cut down on foods packed with preservatives like bread and other processed foods.

It was easy for me to cut out the meat, because it doesn't really appeal to me anyway and I detest preparing it, thus rarely did unless I was making chicken encheladas with frozen, boneless chicken breasts that I could plop into the boiling water without even touching them.
Being Vegan was especially challenging. I only kept it up for a few weeks. Cheese that doesn't melt? Yuck. Mm, I could have lived on those Tofuti Cuties, though. Yumm.

I eventually gave up on it partly because there were so many fewer vegitarian choices at restaurants ten years ago, and my family certainly didn't cater to my diet, so I was having to prepare seperate meals for myself. Plus I couldn't afford my own food fill. I remember going to the health food store and paying $60 for one bag of groceries! Oh, and some of the things I tried, like the dehydrated tofu chicken gave me terrible gas!

I still love trying new vegitarian dishes when I go out to eat and I almost always get the 7 layer burrito at Taco Bell. About the time that I realized that the church is not true, just a few weeks ago, I also felt the desire to adopt a vegitarian diet again. Not solely for better health, but out of respect for the animals.

I am still disturbed by what I learned from my X after he went to some Vegan seminar and they showed a film about the treatment of the animals that are (my impulse is to say 'grown') raised on the farms of the butchers for some of the fast food chains. He brought home a book from the library that was from the same authors of the film he saw. I was thoroughly disturbed by the images that I saw. They weren't even photgraphs, but drawings of what these two sisters observed.

It was enought for me to swear meet off again for a while again. Not that I was even eating any at the time. I was living on moth infested boxes of scalloped potatoes, rice and pasta that had been given to us.

My point is that I want to live according to my OWN personal beliefs. Therefore, I have given up meat for the past three weeks or so. My mother even made a vegitarian meal for my birthday dinner last Sunday, at my request. The problem is once again, that I have only afforded a few groceries since I have been unemployed, let alone being able to stock up on the staples I need in order to get enough protein.

What I have noticed is that ever since last Saturday, I have been feeling lathargic. I figured it was because I stayed up until 5am Saturday morning reading about NDEs, or because I haven't been exercizing for the last week since I starting working. But even after catching up on sleep, I can't shake this feeling like I just want to lay down. And just last week I was feeling great, almost bouncing around. I realized today that it is likely that it's due a lack of protein. I need to remedy the situation, and fast before my body starts suffering.

Lookin' For Adventure

I got a call about a job Monday morning from a lady that wanted to set up an interview for the same day. I figured I could get there and back during my lunch break, but I was late leaving from work and I would not have chosen to wear my renaissance/punkish T-shirt that says, "Guilty" on the front. At least I was wearing dress slacks with it. -10 points for being late and -10 more for my attire. Missed the 5 bonus points for not having a formal copy of my resume with me to give them.

"Well how about you start by telling us a little bit about yourself." I only summarized beginning with the last year when I moved to Utah. After a few moments into a conversation the lady looks up from my resume and asks, "What is the longest you have been at one job? I see here on your resume 3 months, 7 months..." Here we go. I mean don't these people look at the resumes before they call people in for an interview? You could have spared me some time and embarassment if all you wanted to do was interrogate me.

Then the proverbial question, "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" Don't ask me to lie. Can we just stick to the job qualifications, please?

I knew I had blown another interview. At this point I have given up looking for a higher paying job. I don't qualify for the position I want that pays more. Not that I couldn't do the job, but I don't have the consistent experience that they are looking for.

I have a renewed determination to get my medical transcription training completed. I have lots of spare time at work. Although I can't pack in my foot pedal and earphones and download the player software on their computer at work, I figured I would practice just retyping the ones that I have already transcribed.

Once I got that up and running, I thought what would be even more fun than getting a mobile home would be to get a Mortor Home or a camping trailer! I must be crazy, but it would be so much fun to be able to travel the country with Guy in a motor home. We could stay in one place for a few weeks then drive on to the next state and see the sites. I would need either a personal tutor for Guy, which means another compainion in such a small living space or take him to a different daycare every month, which could be pretty hard on a kid to not have something stable. It depends on how many hours I would have to work in order to support us, but another idea was to get some educational DVDs to entertain him while I work in the mornings then we could go have fun together.

So this is my latest wishful adventure.