Friday, September 15, 2006

"We Need to Talk"

Those are words I dread when coming from my mother, and usually anyone.

The only time I actually discussed my leaving the church with either of my parents was on a Saturday when my dad had gone fishing and I went to my parent's house to do some laundry. My mother met up with us for lunch first.

I remember being especially tired that day and I laid down on the couch to rest when my mom came in and said, "We need to talk, if you are up to it."

She kind of had me cornered. No I wasn't really up to it, but it had been put off long enough I suppose. My mother had some questions for me about some of the changes taking place in my life.

I knew my brother had told them. Apparently he didn't waste any time either because the day after I moved, I went down to their house to pick up a few things and on the back of the list that my mother and I made she had written a couple of spiritual thoughts and she sent home an Ensign with me.

A couple of weeks had passed since then and they seemed to be coping with it well, at least in my presence. I think I hoped that I would never have to explain it to them, but I expect this isn't the last time it will come up. I don't feel like I really need to justify it to them, but I think it's fair to answer a few questions for them.

The questions she asked me that day were...What made you decide to stop going to church? Do you still believe in prayer? So, you don't believe in the power of the Priesthood? What about all the wonderful people that you taught on you mission, you don't believe in the things you taught them anymore? What do you plan to do with your church records? Will you allow Guy to go to church?

I did my best to appease her without offending her while still being open minded yet firm in my newly established beliefs. I explained briefly to her about my experiences with answers to prayers and that I believe there is a source of power that we are all entitled to. I told her I have not plans to remove my records from the church so far and that it was fine if Guy wants to attend church with them some time, but I won't be taking him. She thought I should let him go with the kids in the neighborhood. I was not too keen on the idea because I felt it would raise questions in the minds of the other kids regarding why Guy's mother and father don't go to church. Perhaps this is a selfish reason, but I don't feel like Guy needs to be judged or singled out from his friends since he is already well aware that he doesn't have a dad and the other kids do.

We talked for maybe 30 minutes and then she let me be. I feel for them because I know that they must feel like they are loosing their daughter in the after life. I'm glad they are still able to accept me for who I am, I hope. They have helped me out a lot with getting me moved and fixing up my place and I am very thankful to them for it.


tomhhhh said...

You've stirred a lot of thoughts and feelings in me. Triggered some pain. I wish that I could reason with you. I know that I might not see the whole picture in your situation...but from my own life experience I sure see some things I wish that I could share with you.

Your a wonderful person. I wish the best for you. A lot of what you have learned over the years are tried, true, and proven natural law principles. Honoring your parents in one of them. It's true we make our own way. Butit's sad that you can discount and turn from it all. I know that you feel enlightened and justified. You've made your list.

I really don't want to turn you off with my "judgements". I'm open to what people go through. I've been through my own "stuff".

Thanks for sharing the intimacy of your life with me. Right or wrong...feel kind of close to you.

tomhhhh said...

Oh...almost forgot...I have this wave of trepidation come over me when my wife says..."can we talk".

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Hang in there, ultimately it's your life to live, and they should respect that if they truly love you like Christ would. It's hard for Mormon parents to get past the whole celestial glory thing.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I kind of know how you felt. I was coming home from church one sunday (the last sunday I went to church actually) and I was crying the whole way home. When we got home, my mom cornered me and asked me what was wrong because I just couldn't stop crying. I had to go drop something off for someone, and my mom asked if she could come along (it was a 30 min. drive one way). So I said she could if she wanted to. Well, that was when I told her my feelings on the church. She wasn't too happy about it, but didn't pressure me at all, she just wanted me to contact someone more knowledgable than any of the leaders in our area so that I could talk to someone who would be able to answer my questions appropriately to hopefully alleviate my problems and issues with how the church was run and how I felt about the church in general. I was moving the following Saturday to head back to school for my final year, (I had just been home for four months working). I think I made her very worried about me and nervous because that was the last time I would be living at home and I don't get home to visit much when I'm at school. We didn't really talk about it much after that, and then I moved. She is still waiting to hear about when I make the phonecall to a "higher up authority". However, I don't feel as though I'm prepared to be confronted by someone like that. I am not very emotionally strong right now because it's been a rough realization and very hard for me. It isn't easy when you feel like your whole foundation just crumbled beneath you and your not sure what you feel or believe anymore. I just came across your blog today and read your most recent post. It's kind of comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through it and having a bit of a rough time with it. Thankyou for your post. If you want to reply, my e-mail is: I'm not really a blogger, I just read and comment on other peoples. Thankyou again. Take care.

tomhhhh said...

Have you doubted everything? Do you still believe in Christ? Do you believe that he organized a church? Is it on the earth or not?

If he did have a church. If someone gave their heart to it and became a fellow citizen and sister or brother and then turned away from it later...Those that stayed would mourn.

Jesus would still want to leave the 99 to seek after that one that had strayed. I'm sure you've felt the awkwardness of that already.

Please don't be surprised that people will mourn your decision. They will also not no how to act or respond. Because to me it is hurt. It is betrayel to what we once shared.

I heard a person years ago that was visiting from another country say that "he did not get home sick as long as he was around members". There is a common bond and spirit shared. It is undeniable to me. When I was out of town and far away...if I met a member my heart would sing and take comfort. Many have felt that. Did you ever feel that?