Sunday, September 17, 2006

My Personal Progress Report

I love the contradiction in still belonging to the LDS web ring and being on the exmormon glog roll. I get a hit from the LDS web ring maybe twice a year and the exmormon blog roll brings at least 10 new visitors a day. I think I secretly hope that someone from the LDS web ring will happen upon my blog and something they read will cause them to think question their beliefs.

I'm still unsure about where exactly my own personal beliefs are. For example, I don't know where I stand with Christ right now or even the Bible for that matter. I believe that it is true historically, but there are many things in the Old Testimant that I seriously doubt happened. I don't want to cut and paste the parts that I like and make a collage from it. I want to either be able to accept it as it is or toss it all out.

Can one thing be true for one person and not for another person? In some ways, I think YES. In my period of searching, I read many people's near death experiences. They could more aptly be named tastes of death. In any case, I read from the experiences of a man who hadn't actually tasted death himself but he has had many out of body experiences and he travels to other places in time and space while his spirit is out of it's body. I read about a time that he visited person's personal Hell. I am including his full version of it. I realize it's lengthy, but I couldn't decide what to cut.

It began when I woke up to see that I was in some huge city, and there was some poor lost soul wandering the streets, utterly clueless about anything at all. No car, no possessions, as if he just materialized there out of the air! in a way, I see, he DID just that, in a sense as the scenery, as this dream unfolds, appears to be not of any city on this earthplane!!

I could tell that by the "magical" way that machines operate, the "fluidness" of how the scenery changes.... "cartoonlike"! but this was no cartoon! A
"real world". Full of people too,
and the streets stretched off to the horizon, endlessly. I followed this guy as he stumbled from one "reality neighborhood" to another, areas of the city that
seemed to have a specialty.

There was a section of square miles that looked like a "ghetto" and everyone
there, all 10,000+ people, where doing drugs. in fact every single shop sells
drugs of one kind or another,
out in the open as if everything were utterly legal!

Between the shops were many many bars and and pubs and
dance places. The streets were packed with people all high on something. then there was the Zone where there were hundreds and hundreds of rug shops and stalls
where only oriental rugs
were sold. All of the people there looked "middle eastern". then there was a area of blocks and blocks of nothing but bookstores and open bookstalls as if there never ever was rain there. Packed with people of course.

the Industrial zone was next, miles and miles of foundries and pipes. Somehow he got with a band of
motorcyclists who got him out
into a kind of countryside, a countryside that seemed not to
obey the
rules of nature and of the earth! Funny skies and
roads to nowhere and to everywheres!

[poor guy. He must have died and he must have been one
of the residents of my, or another, senior resident place. Maybe 80 years old and very very conservative,
stuck in the 1950s in mindset and then 'against"
everything of the modern age.
Not a Christian of course, no soul life at all.

Perhaps a retired engineer or maybe a business person.
Now he died and went to a Low Place in the afterlife,
and the Guides will let him COOK in this astral hell
for a bit of time! There might not have been a bit of
any kind of "preparation" for the afterlife, and he
might have "gone down hard" at the end of his life,
a bitter old man, seeing how the 2000s are nothing but bad..Angry and obstinate!]

so here is now is, near the end of this dream.
Standing next to yet *another* neiborhood of thousands and thousands of people who share a mindset. Lost. Bewildered. Not even knowing the name of the place that he stands in and no one to help him, to be the Authority for His Choices, like when he was alive!

[in WW II, one Obeyed authority, you could die in 10)
seconds on the battlefield if you thought for yourself! In the 1944 civilian life, you placed your family, your town, your country first and you came utterly last!

So as this generation grows older, they would like a leader-figure to make all of the choices in life for them, let others do the thinkings for them.]

lost, utterly lost, no way to find a leader here. Everything that he denies in life seems to be all that
there is, here, with a cast of 200,000!

well....He finds out soon enough what *this* neiborhood is all about!

Homo men! Hundreds of shops and hundreds of partybars
and Clubs. The streets are packed body to body with
thousands of homo men and mostly naked. Suddenly, a whole block or two or three, of the gay residents, see him standing just outside of this area! They rush
up to him.
As this dream ends, I see that he is mobbed by thousands of homo men, his hetrosexuality will very very soon be gone, against his will, as 3000 gay men de-flower him and make him one of their own, probably for years and years....A never-ending ORGY!

I'm not sure where I was going with this post except to say that I do not claim to know all the answers and that that is ok. I think there is great comfort to being a member of the church because it gives a sense of security that the church has all the answers for us to the age old questions of; Who are we? What are we doing here? Where are we going? What is the purpose of life? etc.

I have been told by a few people who have experienced the contrast of being active in the church and being inactive. They have shared how their lives were empty and meaningless when they were inactive and now that they are going to church again, they have purpose in life and goals and they feel peace in their lives.

I believe they were unhappy while inactive because they either filled their void with the wrong kinds of influences or all of those Primary lessons, and scriptures or temple movies have affected their subconcious so that they still believe that they cannot be happy unless they are living the way the church suggests.

Not only that, but like the example of the man in his personal hell, it is so much easier to let some one else do the thinking for us. If it does go all awry, we have someone else to blame besides ourselves.


tomhhhh said...

Hi friend

You've actually been on my mind a lot lately. The part of you that kinda hopes that one of your former brother or sisters will read your blog and reconsider their beliefs has worked. I've actually been doing that a lot. My testimony of the restitution of the gospel of Jesus Christ has actually grown. I find no where in the teachings an encouragement to not think on your own. Once you find a fountain of truth and light you stick with it. Once you let go of that source you wander in a world of unknowns, conjecture,doubt,sceptisism,rumor,hatred. I've seen it with my own son. I am sure that you feel you are different. And I believe that you will find solace,encouragement,and support by your new brothers and sisters.There are so many willing to give you what ever you want. Including..there is no sin, no God...or there is but he will justify in a little sin etc. It is so true that you can leave the church but you can't leave it alone. You're already unsure about a lot of things...Christ...the bible etc. Your hurt goes deep.

As promised by the angel Moroni, both good and evil have been spoken of the prophet Joseph Smith. I've read the statements of both. And it is not hard for my mind to accept that something good and even great will have opposition. Just like many hated Christ and the other prophets. The Testimony of members and non members who knew Joseph Smith are sweet. And the falsehoods are bitter.

President Faust said years ago "We are eyewitnesses of the fruits of this work worldwide. The followers of the restored gospel of Christ can be found in over one hundred countries of the world. In the main they are decent, sober, chaste, honest, law-abiding, family-oriented, patriotic members of the countries in which they live.

If there is a problem with the church it is that we don't live it's teachings as well as we should.

I watched part of that film that the people in Brigham City created. You refered to it at one point in your search among the anti Mormon writtings. The one where they travel to South America and bring back testimonies that there are not evidences of the Book of Mormon. Did you take a look and review what the evidences are?

You mentioned the Masonic rites and how there are similarities with the Temple endowments. It is known that the Masons are an ancient degenerate apostate priesthood or brotherhood of some kind. It is not difficult to believe that part of the process of enlightenment was exposure to it. And as far as the changes in the temple endowments goes...It is not difficult to understand that the things that need to be impressed upon the minds of the participants change over time. Where does it say that it can't be adjusted or changed? That is what modern revelation is about. I was apart of the temple before the change. The change was for the good. The generation of the early pioneers were a different breed...right on up to our day. In our day and culture it was changed in the Lords wisdom. I don't know why. But I can't cast it out believing that things can't be administered and worked with to meet God's purposes.

I'm rambling. Sorry. It's just hard to see a sister like yourself...especially a former missionary...leave the church. I hope that you can find what you're looking for. I hope that those around you can stay strong and keep the faith.

There are many weaknesses and challenges in the members of the church. My marriage has struggled and we as members are not immune to addictions and problems. But the problems come in not heeding warning and not living the teachings of the modern day Prophets and teachings.

I don't perdict calamity or suffering for your situation. I think that you are a good person. I don't know why you would turn from the teachings of the church. I think that you can find happiness. I think that you can grow and be productive. But I also believe that you've taken your armor off. Your wide open and left to your own. And I promise you that there is an evil force that desires us. I've felt that in my own life. I promise you that prayer is a true thing...a true rite of connection to the creator...But remember the evil force teaches a man not to pray.

I pray for good things for you. I pray that the prayers of your family can be heard and that something will change in your heart. That you won't totally abandon the teachings and blessings that you've been given throughout your life.

Trixie Granny said...

I know nothing I can say will convince you of how I feel, but I just want to say that being a member of the church was the source of great depression for me. I felt trapped and naive and I didn't like being associated with racists and prejudists. When I learned about the events in the church's history, they did not sit right with me, namely that they were also murderers. A different breed you say, as in not human? I guess the Atonement of Jesus Christ didn't apply to the people of their day that they had to be punished by death in order to atone for their sins. Christian or not, I know that murder is wrong.

If being a member of the church works for you, great. It does not work for me so I am setting out on an adventure. Yes, perhaps I will fall prey to a few traps along the way, but I am not totally helpless and I have a few weapons of self defense. I would rather die trying than be afraid to leave my comfort zone.

Thank you for your prayers, maybe I'll make it to the Terrestrial kindom instead of the Telestial or outer darkness.

Trixie Granny said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
tomhhhh said...

Not convince me? You've already convinced me. I accept how you feel. I'm convinced that you've accepted what your doing. I've learned that you can't talk against doubt,accusation,negitive,unbelieving spirits. You can't talk God with an Athiest (just an example).It doesn't work. You're focus and mind has been turned. So other then the sadness I feel I will hope for the best for you.

I am grateful for the understanding that I have of a "final judgement". If there have been "murders" in our history then I know that the Lord will deal with them. If there have been secrets kept...he will deal with them. But I am grateful that there is no doctrine or teaching of "murder" in the church. Temple references where all impressions on the mind of the seriousness of keeping covenants sacred. That is all. We can't atone for ourselves. And I can't combat the flood of the anti spirit that you have accepted.

There is a different kind of "naive". It is in believing and accepting sweeping generalizations. Example..."they were inhuman". There have been mistakes in the history. But the people where courageous and faithful and strong in many many cases and situations. Not inhuman...but human. They were committed. Not depressed. They knew what they were fighting for and didn't feel trapped... but liberated in their testimonies of truth. This is the heritage that I cherish.

I'm not sure what you are refering to with "attonement" through death. Don't know what to say about that.

I just feel sadness that your experience has been what it is. Was your mission a bad experience?

Trixie Granny said...


I'm still working on my reply to your comments here...having a hard time coming up with any evidence of the Book of Mormon to share.