Monday, October 23, 2006

Too Much Info.

I have been careful not to share very much about my personal life with my coworkers until yesterday. I mentioned to them a couple weeks ago that I was going home for lunch to meet an old boyfriend of mine from high school. Yesterday my boss asked about how that went and if I think anything might become of it.

I told her that it went well, but that it's kind of complicated considering that he lives in Southern California and travels a lot and has another girlfriend. Then I mentioned that I had a semi serious boyfriend in Austin too, but that we just broke up last week, but I have a couple other boyfriends who live in Salt Lake, one from Jamaica and one from Peru. They are nice guys, but nothing serious.

Then she got talking about relationships and finding the right man not just for me, but for my son too. Then I got talking about my ex-husband and told her how terrible of a mistake that was and about the events that lead up to my leaving him including the he wanted to leave the church and how when we got married we planned to go to the temple later. She asked how long we were engaged for. I told her that it was very brief. We started talking about marriage after the first two weeks. We met in May and got married in August of the same year.

I told her how even in the terrible state that I was in before I finally left him, it still took me a long time to decide to leave because I dreaded the thought of going back to the Young Adult scene after being divorced *and* having a son. I said, it was Hell the first time and I was not axious to go through it again once I was branded with the scarlet letters D (Divorced) and M (Mother [single mother means desperate to get married to a man that can support her family but any guy her age is still in school because he only got back from his mission a few years ago.]).

I mentioned that he wanted to get back together with me a few months ago, and he felt like he needed to go back to church, he even confessed everything to his bishop. But I wasn't interested and besides that I had stopped going to church.

I think my boss' mind was kind of spinning by now, but I didn't stop there, I told her that that is why I moved here last year to find more LDS guys to date. She could relate to the fact that there are no good guys left. I mentioned that I would get asked out by all kinds of non-LDS guys, but when I went to the Young Adult Ward they avoided me like the plague. When I moved here I had plenty of options for LDS guys to date, but by age 30+ they still didn't have their act together. Some of them could barely write or speek english, or they didn't have a steady job, let alone a career, or they don't even have a car, etc. She joked how you have to wait for the good ones to get divorced. I said, yeah and by then they have 3 or more kids they are paying child support to their mother for and they have let themself go for 10 years.

I went on to tell her that I was engaged to a guy who rode his bike all the way from Park City to see me and he didn't even have a job at the time that we met, although now he's doing great just taking on carpentry jobs. I told her that we broke up in February and how I met Paul shortly after but I told him from the beginning that it wouldn't work out because I am LDS etc.

She asked me at one point a few months ago if I was Mormon. I told her I used to be. I'm sure she assumed that I stopped going many years ago. I think she was surprised when I told her that I came to realize that the Church is not true and how I haven't been going since May. But the shocker came when I mentioned that I served a mission too. It totally took her back. She asked where I went. I told her Ontario, Canada. She said wow, cause I served a mission too.

She wanted to know why I decided that it wasn't true and I told her that I found some things in the history of the church that bothered me. She said she is courious now to know what I found. I remained vague and told her that it has to do with Joseph Smith and some of the other leaders of the church and I felt that there is conflicting ideas between the BoM and the Bible. I didn't want to hash it out with her so I didn't say specifically. I did tell her that my brother has taken me on as his project in trying to resolve my concerns for me. She asked, "And you prayed about it and everything?"

That's another subject in itself. I haven't prayed in the way that I knew she was speaking of since my breakdown in May. Had I prayed about it? no, but I felt good about it in my mind and heart, so I figured that counted for a "yeah."

I told her that my son stays with my parents on Saturday night so he can go to church with them on Sunday. She asked if I would allow him to be involved in the church if he decides that he wants to when he is older. Of course I told her I would not stop him if he felt that was the thing to do. I let her know that I don't have hard feelings towards the members of the church because I think they are good people, but I found that it wasn't right for me personally.

I felt it necessary to say that I haven't changed who I am because I decided to leave the church. Yes, there are some subtle changes in my life, but I feel good about my decision and I'm doing good.

I know other people within ears shot were listening in on our conversation too. I was just standing at the edge of her cubicle. Come to think of it, the office was pretty quite while we were talking. I'm sure they were at the edge of their seats since 4 of the 6 other people within proximity were all active members too.

I think I may already regret spilling so much information with her. She doesn't treat me differently, but in my mind I wonder what she might be thinking about me. I'm sure she figures I lost the spirit or something.

10 comments:

montchan said...

Trix! It's not the end of the world!

I have been outed in a newspaper article, the whole Sweden now knows that I am an exmo and my husband is a cheating douchebag.

I had faithful members from as far as Taiwan email me to tell me what a horrible mistake I made.

So, what??? WHO the fark bloody cares???

It actually feels good in a way. I don't have to explain it everytime people ask.
:-)

Trixie Granny said...

Wow! You sure went out with a bang!I am not ashamed of my decision and I don't care that they know except that I think I am just concerned because I have not yet been hired at my job. I guess I'm still trying to make a good impression after three months!

Sister Mary Lisa said...

I just hope they don't make you their pet project, as in "Wow! A missionary opportunity right here at work!!"

:)

old gal said...

Hello. I've been reading your blog....very interesting. On one of your old blogs you mentioned Iniciatories. I've never heard that term before. What does it mean? Hang in there.

Trixie Granny said...

Does the word *Initiation* stir up your imagination? ;)

I understand that it's meant to be a cleansing process to prepare one for the next cerimony of the temple called the endowment. The endowment is where one receivs further light and knowledge, you might say.

If you have further questions, feel free to email me.

Anonymous said...

why do you not strive to pray about this decision of leaving the church?
it is the only truth in my life and i can depend on it. the Gospel is wonderful and full of so many blessings, if you strive to live righteously. What do you think will happen to you after this life?

Trixie Granny said...

I was striving to live rightiously and I think I was doing a pretty good job of it, but I was getting the same result. You could call it insanity. Prayer wasn't working for me. My answers were coming from my own head. So, I had to make a change.

I believe that our spirits will live on forever. If we have caused others to suffer in our lives then we will go through the same pain and suffering that we caused them before our supirits can be free.

Joanne said...

It seems to me that ANY mormon you talk to about this wants to know how you found out facts about the church! They sure work hard to keep the followers in the dark! Maybe lds guys don't want you because your not a follower anymore & they can see it, or feel it. That could be the best thing that EVER HAPPENED TO YOU!

Trixie Granny said...

Joanne,

Actually, I was speaking of when I was an active member when I was talking about how the lds guys were not interested. Now I am uninterested so I don't pay attention.

Amberly said...

Just blogging through and found your blog. I'm glad I'm not the only one who sends my kid to sleep at my parents house so she can go to church on Sunday! I think the GENERAL morals and things the LDS church teaches are good and this blog definitely hit the nail on the head as far as my beliefs go!