Moving Blues

We are having a garage sale tomorrow. I have spent the last few weeks going through the boxes in the garage deciding what to keep, toss, or sell. I found childhood toys, mission letters and binders, college books and papers, dance costumes and shoes, giraffe collections, pictures, wedding decorations, birthday cards, Guy's baby clothes and toys, maternity clothes, dishes and household items. It amazed me how some of the things in the boxes I still had in my posession after all the times that I have scaled down for another move. I figured this will be the 19th time I have moved in my lifetime. Granted, 6 or so of the moves were on my mission, but that's still a new house/neighborhood/neighbors/scenery, etc.

It feels good to let go of some of what is just junk. The rest I keep carting around with me in hopes that I will one day have a place to call my own and I can take it out of their boxes and appreciate and use them. I want to get out my two large antique, orange and tirqoise dishes and make extra large bananna splits in them. I want to take my 1950's baby buggy with crome bumpers to a classic car show with my own sleeping baby inside again. I want to set a table for four at my little yellow fold away kitchen table. I want to set up my sewing machine and make a little Halloween costume. I want to vacuume the leaves on the front lawn. OK, not the last one. I do want a garden to plant Zenias and tomatos.

Can we say NESTING? I'm tired of not knowing how to focus my energies. Do I make a second effort at education and try to start a career as a Home Economics Teacher? Or is spending quality time with Guy more important than filling my life with more responsibility? How much longer can I ride under the wing of my parents?

Last summer I felt like my odds, socially were much better if I moved to Utah. I will be 28 this May. I have been attending the YA ward in the area. I know I stick out like a sore thumb in my ward. They all remind me of High School. Probably because that's where most of them just came from. Not to mention, that I have a son. I mean, everyone loves him, sure. But it's like wearing a sign that says "Commitment, Responsibility, Desperate". All very unattractive in the eyes of a foot loose and fancy free young man who lives at home, is still going through college and flipping burgers.

I figured my chances in Utah were better statistically, because there are simply more members. When I told my parents I was going to sell my car and move out to Utah and go back to school, they asked me to wait a few months and they would move with me. I know my father has been wanting to move out there for years now. That's where his roots are. He has family and memories there. My only brother has lived out there for the last 10 or so years and I know my parents regret not being able to see him and his wife more. So, my dad jumped at the thought of it.

My mother on the other hand was not so easily persuaded. Her only motivation is to help me find a husband. She will be making a major sacrifice in having to give up her job at Blue Shield, where she has worked up from the bottom in the last 9 years. She is now a team leader for the web in the HR dept. She enjoys her job and the people she works with. She has been expecting a few raises to come up and this is the reason for our delay in moving.

None of us will enjoy the weather. We have been spoiled by these 70 deg. "winter weather" days. My mom, esp. because of her false nuckle that is sensetive to the cold. Plus she is afraid to fall and hit it again by slipping on the ice. Although she has done some research on Real Estate and she is happy to know how much more affordable a home would be there. They could retire there more comfortably after selling their home here.

I feel an enormous amount of pressure in the situation. Like my parent's future is teetering on weather I start dating someone here or in Utah. For example when I told them that I met some one when I went out dancing on Friday, my Father's response was, "Well, too bad, we are going to miss you when we move to Utah." And my mother said, "Good, we can stay here."

I would really much rather live in California. I much prefer the weather and the diversity of the culture here. I would rather live closer to the city to be able to soak it up more often, but c'est la vie.

I have prayed several times to know if moving is the right thing for me to do. I guess I don't feel like I have had a confirmation. Maybe I need to rethink my situation and exercise some faith. When I pray for direction in my life, the answer that I get is that I need to focus on my son's needs. I tell myself that he needs a father. Perhaps, the truth is I want a husband more than he needs a Dad. He does not know what he is missing, and he has his Grandpa around to be a role model for him. My other fear is that the transition will be more difficult as he gets older. He is already protective of me.

In conclusion.....I have not yet come to a conclusion.