What Happens When We Die?

I have been somewhat fixated lately about what happens when we die. I think it was inspired partly by my aunt's recent death and also as an attempt to prove or disprove the beliefs that the LDS church taught. I am having to recreate a belief system for myself one question at a time.

Not wanting to have to wait to find out when I die, I have been reading some accounts of people who actually have died, but came back to life, if even for a few seconds. There is a myriad of stories posted on the internet of people who have experienced this rare gift. They are each unique, yet they have common threads.

Brian Kreb shares what he has found to be the four rules pertaining to Near Death Experiences, taken from studying the accounts of others as well as from his own two personal NDEs.

They are briefly:

Rule One: At any given moment one may choose to return to their bodies.

Rule Two: One may choose where they go, ie: back to their body, into another room or dimention, or possibly get stuck in the "void". The void is also described as ultimate darkness, the blackest of blacks, ultimately it is the absence of love or a form of Hell. One must only think about love in order to leave the void, but msot are stuck and confused and thus remain.

Rule Three: Once past the void, which can be very brief for some or lengthy for others, depending on their issues a person sees a garden or a river or a gate. Once again the person is given the decision to stay or go back. If they decide to go through the gate or over the river, (to the end of the tunnel) there they will meet their creator.

Rule Four: If the person makes it to the end of the tunnel and meets their creator they will feel more love and acceptance and wisdom and knowledge and understanding than you ever have. And you will remember it. And you will not leave it out of your description of your experience. There you are and there is love - overwhelming, pure, beautiful love.

Then the person goes through a life review. IT is done in the light of the love of the Creator. In this love, you see all you have done wrong and right and the effects of it and you are unafraid because the Creator's love is there. There is nothing but the truth. That accomplished, you may (Rule 1) zip back into you body. You may then do whatever you think you need to and those descriptions vary.

Some other smilarities that I have noticed is the absence of time, observing new colors and sounds, there is no verbal communication (it is more like talpathic). In many cases a loved one who has already died will encourage them to go back or inform them that it is not their time.

There were some bizarre cases where a person had been dead for 3 days, even up to 22 days.

In England, after inspecting some coffins that had to be moved to another grave yard, they found that a select few of them had awakened after they had been buried. They could tell because the positioning of the bones was not in the burial position. It's interesting to me that the choice would be given them to come back knowing that they would only be left to die in the confines of the coffin.

I'm thinking cremation sounds like a pretty good idea to me. Certainly ashes in an urn can't contain a rejected spirit.

Here is a site where DaRell D. Thorpe shares a collection of people's either NDEs, Out of Body Experiences and other related stories. I selected a few humorous or particularly intriguing one to share with you here. Or you can read all 118 of them like I did last night from 3-4 am...or this morning, correction it was yesterday.

"I have experienced 'astral projection' several times. I have seen myself several times from a distance. I have gone to Hawaii while my mortal shell has slept. Don't believe me?...I have the postcard to prove it!!!"

Scientologists would love this person. Actually, I haven’t ruled out the possibility of reincarnation.

"I have strange feeling sometimes. I remember some of my previous lives. If I close my eyes and leave myself to be led by mindstorm I usually see uncommon things. I'm sure I fought in the 1st World War, I think I was a German soldier. I know I died in Japan in 1492. I remember my name, my rank, the shiro I should defend and I failed. Before this time I was a Scottish man or woman, I can't remember, but two things are clear: I loved whiskey and the national music. I lived somewhere in Europe in the XIII or XIV century, I was somebody related to the royal household. Maybe I was a musician. Also, I had a very bad life in Greece, sometime before Christ, I was a humiliated woman. I will never go there, because I feel pain still. I lived in France at the Revolution, in 1789. I do remember something, but it was a bad life for me. I know all lives are to improve the soul and prepare for something, I don't know exactly what for. Maybe, I have to live at least one more life, because this one is not perfect, but can be. Finally, I do not use drugs, never drink alcohol... yes, maybe I'm crazy, but what can you say if you know five seconds before the phone rings who will call you and why, and what are you if you can read people's minds like an open book? And what is the conclusion if you can see your light dark aura?"

"When I was approximately 12 years old, I was out on my bicycle on my street jumping curbs. I did this often as a child. I really enjoyed jumping this one curb that was very steep. The last time I jumped that curb my foot slipped off the pedal and I flew off the bike over the handlebars straight into a tree. I saw the tree flying straight at me. At that exact moment, I knew I was dead. The only thing I could say was, no. As I screamed "NO!" I felt a very HOT sensation flow through my body for an instant. I then became unconscious. When I awoke a few moments later, I saw that I was on the other side of the tree. I knew there was no way I could have missed the tree. When I stood up, I realized my entire body was covered in tree sap. I have no explanation on how it happened, but I passed THROUGH the tree unharmed."

"When I was 12 years old (16 years ago) my appendix burst. I was rushed to the hospital, by then I was grey in color. Our family doctor and the emergency medical staff rushed me into the operating room to do an exploratory surgery. As I lay on the table a priest was ushered in to give me my last rites. I was scared. Then they put me under to work on me, I felt cold. It was dark, but suddenly I felt warm. I heard a voice from somewhere talking to me. It was like I jumped into the middle of a conversation. The voice said, "It's not time for you yet... I have big plans for you." My mind flooded with ideas, plans, concepts. Then the voice said, "Time to go back.... Tell them be good to each other... Help them." Then I felt a huge push, back down to where I was laying on the table. I woke up on the operating table in the middle of my surgery. The emergency staff scrambled to get me back to sleep. I was told that the emergency staff had had to DEFIB me back to life, but weren't expecting me to wake up. I am now a college professor at a local university and have been an inventor in the medical field. I hope I am helping."

I like it when they bring back a message with them. Funny thing is I have yet to read about God telling the person that the LDS church is the only true church and that they will need to be baptized and confirmed and pay tithing, and serve in the church, and not drink coffee/tea/alcohol or smoke tobacco in order to return to live with God, whom they had just seen. Not one of them even mentions the need to be sealed to a spouse in the Temple in order to live for eternity with God. I would think that if it were true that all of things are necessary to return to live with God that it would be mentioned as a person returns to Earth, along with any other message.

"In 1995 in the month of February, I believe that's when I remember this incident occurring, I was having a very vivid dream in which I was flying. About one year before I had been in a serious auto accident and had a severe head injury that caused some very vivid dreams and visions. In this particular dream I was flying. I remember being careful not to fly into power lines. The area I was flying in reminded me of central to northern California. At the time of this dream I lived in Salt Lake City, Utah. In the last part of the dream I remember seeing a large electrical power substation. Since I was vary aware I was only in a dream, I was very curious to find out what would happen if I flew into the power lines, so I did. I flew into the lines in the substation. Everything went white. I woke up startled and then remembered I had only been dreaming. I was lying in bed listening to my radio that morning when I heard a report on the news about a large power blackout in northern California that had occurred in the last 45 minutes (the same time as I was having my dream). They believe the phenomena that caused it was at a substation in Fresno. Weird, huh!"

"I had a dream that I was outside in the inner city of L.A. and derailed a train and killed 400 people and I also dreamt that I kidnapped two people and when I woke up there were two missing and a train derailed in L.A."

This one ranks higher on the Creepy factor.

"I was watching TV up in my room with my friends and it was about 11:30pm.We heard a banging noise in the living room down stairs. My friends and I thought it was my big brother pounding on the walls trying to scare us, so we went down to the living room to find a ghost. It was just standing there staring at us with these big red eyes. It started moving toward us saying something in a low voice. We all huddled together as the ghost moved closer. It was finally in arm's reach and grabbed one of my friends, and since we were huddled together we all vanished with the ghost. We were transported down a long narrow hallway into a small black room. We could not escape from this room. We were trapped in this small black room, cold and hungry, when the same ghost we saw earlier came into view. Again we huddled together and again the ghost came closer. We were again transported down the same long narrow hallway and at the end of the hallway was my room. We looked at the clock: it read 11:30pm. My mom heard us yelling in my room and she came running to my room asking us, "Where in the hell have you been ?!" You see it was 11:30 pm, but two days later. We still have no idea where we all went, but ever since that night we have not seen the ghost that took us to the small black room."

"I have found out that I have lived this same exact life about 136 times (give or take a few). I keep having flashes when I realize what happened in one of my previous lives and if I act fast enough I can change the event."

I saved my favorite for last.

"I was having sex one time when I suddenly had a weird sensation (no it wasn't my first orgasm). I was floating over the bed and watching my partner going on as if I were still there. I still felt like I was having sex. Suddenly I was violently dropped back into my partner's body and she was put in my body. Now I have the personality of a man but the body of a woman."

WTF?....(hehehe, I love puns.) Can you imagine? I wonder if they are still together.

I enjoyed reading Kimberly Clark Sharp's simple and clear understanding through her NDE in her book "After the Light."

…The Light was brighter than hundreds of suns, but it did not hurt my eyes. I had never seen anything as luminous or as golden as this Light, and I immediately understood it was entirely composed of love, all directed at me. This wonderful, vibrant love was very personal, as you might describe secular love, but also sacred.
Though I had never seen God, I recognized this light as the Light of God. But even the word God seemed too small to describe the magnificence of that presence. I was with my Creator, in holy communication with that presence. The Light was directed at me and through me; it surrounded me and pierced me. It existed just for me.
The Light gave me knowledge, though I heard no words. We did not communicate in English or in any other language. This was discourse clearer and easier than the clumsy medium of language. It was something like understanding math or music - nonverbal knowledge, but knowledge no less profound. I was learning the answers to the eternal questions of life - questions so old we laugh them off as clichés. "Why are we here?" To learn. "What's the purpose of our life?" To love. I felt as if I was re-remembering things I had once known but somehow forgotten, and it seemed incredible that I had not figured out these things before now…

Freestone is the blog of a man who claims to have had over 100 dream visions, over the years, of being taken by guides and Angels, to visit the afterlife, heaven, worlds. You have to join his Yahoo group in order to read it, but it’s no biggie and it’s free. I’ll be reading from it today. I’ll let you know if I find anything noteworthy.

Home Page of NDEs. There’s dozens more links here to explore.

It's My Birthday!

Today is my birthday and few people knew that without me telling them. I am at work and I just started a few days ago, so it's news to them.

I did get to celebrate with Paul while he was here last weekend. He took me to dinner at Macaroni Grill. It was such a treat to get to spend so much time with him for the greater part of the weekend. He was planning to come next weekend, but he left Denver early to come see me sooner. I'm so glad he did. I miss him already.

This morning I told Guy that it is my birthday today and his face lit up and he asked, "Are we getting a dog now?" "noo," I told him. His smiling face turned up-side down and he said to me, "It's not your birthday anymore!"

He has been begging me for a dog for several months now. I figured it would be ok once we can move out of Grandma and Grandpa's house. When I was still looking for work, I tried to explain that first Mommy needs to find a job, then we need to move into our own place and then we can get a dog.

He didn't want to go back to Preschool when I started work, so I explained that it has to be this way in order for him to get a dog. When I got home from work on my first day, he asked if we can get a dog now. He asks me a couple times a day actually.

I have been looking at apartments, a little prematurely, but I haven't found one that yet that allows pets. At least not ones that we could afford, I don't know about the others. If I could get a loan, I could purchase a mobile home for $28,000. That would do the trick, if only.

Anyway, I think the plan tonight is to go to dinner and go to the park to watch the little geague base ball games.

Only one more year before I turn 30! It used to frighten me because the cut off age for the Young Adult wards and activities is 30, if they make it that far. After that there is the Single Adult group that goes to infinity. There is a large gap in activity in the church among the singles between the ages of 30 and 45 when they return to the single scene after enjoying the priveliges of marriage, 4 kids, 25 years of letting their bodies go and a nasty divorce.

My fears of being single and 30 have nearly dimished. I would have hoped to have at least one more child at my age, but there is still time and so many more options for me now. I hope very much that I can be with Paul some day, but if not I will still find happiness.

Happy Birthday to the happier, more care free, nearly liberated, hopefull, more enlightened ME!

My Aunt Debbie

Another Aunt that passed away has been on my mind for a while now. My Aunt Debbie. She converted to the church after dating one of my my mother's 6 brothers when he returned from his mission. They got married and had 4 kids. About 10 years ago, she decided that she wanted to divorce my uncle and leave the church. It was devistating to her kids. The two younger children went to live with her and the older two with my uncle. My aunt began drinking and smoking and she lost a bunch of weight, when she was already sufficiently thin. She didn't even allow her younger daughter to hang her church Young Women posters in her room. Besides that, she was demanding all this child support and alimony from my uncle to pay for her luxury apartment and other expences.

I bring up all the other stuff because it's a prime example of how her character was decimated to make her actions invalid. No one ever discussed what reasons she had for leaving the church. I learned later from my cousin that my aunt would lock herself in her room and read anti-mormon literature all day.

I don't know the details of the events before, durring and after their breakup. I think it's a shame that she eventually abandoned her family. I don't know if that was her choice or not. If I know my uncle the way I think I do, I would imagine that he would be willing to try to work things out. I just don't know for sure.

She eventually went off on her own and explored Buddhism and perhaps a few other religions. I saw her one time when my cousin went on his mission and then a few years ago when their younger daughter was married in the temple, she was at the reception. A few months after that,I learned that she had committed suicide. She attempted it one other time and her husband rescued her before it was too late. So the second time she drove her car out to the wilderness where she overdosed on some medication. She was found a few days later by a hunter. I didn't get to go to her funeral, as I was in Utah and it took place in California. I did get word that she had many regrets about leaving her family. I don't recal if leaving the church was also part of her regret, but it kind of put a scare in me, and I think in the rest of the family too, that if one leaves the church, they will have so much regret that it could cause one to commit suicide.

Then there's the idea that is believed in the church that if a person committs suicide then they will automatically be sentenced to live in the lowest kingdom, besides outer darkness, the Telestial Kingdom.

Talk about scare tactics.

Searching for Answers

I think I have developed a personal theory on answers to prayers, based on my own personal experience. I feel like prayer has been more like a window into my own heart's desires, not necessarily communication from God.

I haven't ruled out the possibility of communication from God. I just don't think I have tapped into that source so far. Perhaps with the exception of the times when I have felt pure love.

My aunt's funeral got me pondering about life after death one night. So much so, that I woke up at 6am to search the internet for stories about life after death experiences. I found several stories that invoved hospital patients who saw family and friends who had passed away (in some cases the patient was not aware the the people had passed away already) in the room with them. It was understood that they were there to help them with the journey from this life to the next. There was also the common thread about those who say they saw a vast, soft light that opened into the alternate universe of the afterlife. There were several that I wanted to read further, but the power shut down and Guy called me back to bed. That might be something for me to look into while at work tomorrow durring my down time, which there is a lot of.

Employed Again

I should be happy that I was just offered a job that will start on Monday. Of course it is the one that I least wanted.

It's the grungy little place down in Springville. It's a reception position for some warehouse type of place. I still don't even know what they make there. Oh, well. It seems like it will be a piece of cake. It's a pretty laid back job. It's also right next to a preschool. I need to look into that for Guy. And the preschool is next to a gymnastics place. I would love to sign Guy up for a tumbling class.

The Mortgage Co. is supposed to make their decision tomorrow, so there's still a chance at that. It pays more and it's a nicer office.

I tried my luck last week and sent in an application for a job listing in Austin for an Administrative Assistant. It is with a non-profit organization, Texas Real Alternatives to Abortion Aid for mothers. What a rewarding job that would be to know that I am helping to save lives. I honestly didn't expect to hear back from them, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to put in my application. I actually got a call back from them on Tuesday! They wanted to ask a few screening questions, mostly on my opinion on the issue of Abortion. She seems pretty satisfied with my answers and told me she would be in contact with me.

This morning I found an email from her with instructions to go to the link in her email and take the Kolbe Index. It's one of the many mind-tapping questionairs that employers like you to take. They think they can look through a crystal ball when they get the results of those things. So, I'm answering the questions and they are in the format where I am supposed to select which of the four words would describe how I am most likely to respond in a given situation and which of the four words describe how I am least likely to respond.

All throughout the test I was strugling to know how to answer the questions. In some cases one might be true and in other cases another answer would be more appropriate or that I simply would do all of them, etc. So, of course my results reflected my uncertainty. My score was almost even across the board, when a normal person would be more partial to one or two characteristics.

The 5 page long result summary went on to say how I am in a time of transition and there may be some changes in my life that are causing stress to bring about the results that I got on the test. It gave about 6 examples of some major changes or stressors in a person's life. Well, nearly all applied to me, plus others that they did not mention. I guess I have reason to feel stressed after all.

I reluctantly forwarded the results on, with a brief explaination that I am in deed in a transition and I will gladly take the test over, if they so desire.

I can kiss that one good-bye.

Am I Busted?

The ward secretary of my family ward called me up on Tuesday to schedule an interview with the Bishop for the following night. I was hesitant, but I agreed. I tried to find out what it was about, but he didn't know, of course.

I let my mind wander up until the time I went in for the interview. For one, I am supposed to be a member of the YA ward and he would no longer be my Bishop. Did a family member read my blog and rat me out? Did my parents notice the few days that I went without my garments? Did the neighbors complain of my working out on the stepper on the deck in my baithing suit to get some sun? Is he just checking in on me, because he cares? Did it have to do with my dad filling out and donating $2 towards for a fast offering for me? ( I told him I didn't have any to give, and he figured I meant I didn't have any money, so he gave it for me without telling me until after. I just meant I didn't *want to give any, even though I did fast, because it was for his health and for my aunt Chris's family.)

Should I be prepared to confess all? Should I deny it all? Play it cool? Cancel?

I went with...Play it cool. I acted as if nothing was wrong. I would not let on to anything that he may or may not already be aware of.

That was the right approach. Of course he started off with asking how I am doing with finding a job and how things are going with Frank, whether we are friends etc. He asked if I was glad that he encouraged us to wait until we could go to the temple. I assured him I was glad that we waited.

He told me that he was doing some routine interviews of the single people in the ward, and this was the reason for my visit. He mentioned that he just finished interviewing the other single member of the ward, Jeremy. He has been trying to set us up from the time I moved here. I didn't mind and I would have even gone out with him, even thought I didn't feel like he was my type. I gave him an opportunity to, as he found me on a LDS website and we sent a few messages back and forth, but he never made the move. Shortly after that I began dating Frank. The Bishop seems to want to encourage us to go on a date now that I am no longer engaged. I pretended to go along with it.

He also wanted to explain that although I can attend the YA ward he is going to keep my records in the family ward because I have a child. Something about how the ward can better meet the needs of the kids. I have been sending Guy with my parents so he can go to Primary. They had no problem with it when I was attending the YA ward in California. Apparently, they only requested my records, so Guy's were left in the Family ward and he became head-of-household. My Bishop suggested that I start attending Sacrament meeting with my family in addition to going to the YA ward. That way, Guy sees that I am going to church.

He then went on to ask me the general questions....am I still morally clean, and worthy to go to the temple...am I paying a full tythe...am I saying my personal prayers...

Well, considering I think the temple is a hoax and I haven't done anything I conder to be morally unclean, I answered yes to the first question. I haven't been earning any money, aside from the garage sale, so no reason to pay any tithing. Personal prayers...now there's an interesting subject.

"Actually, Bishop I have been having a hard time saying my personal prayers lately." He seemed to know just what I was speaking of because he asked me if it was because I received such a strong answer about marrying Frank. Yes, that's exactly the reason.

He opened up his scriptures to D&C 46 which talks about the gifts of the Spirit. He read verse 16 which says, "And again, it is given by the Holy Ghost to some to know the diversities of operations, whether they be of God, that the manifestations of the spirit may be given to every man to profit withal."

He explained that some times there are other influences that can mimic the Spirit. For example One's positive attitude. Even in the temple, contrary to people's belief that there can be no unclean thing in the temple, some times people lie and so a person's promptins can even be influenced by something other than the Spirit in the Temple.

He mentioned how they go about filling a calling within the ward with the right person. He used my mother as an example. He said that most of the time they just feel good about the fit and some times it doesn't work out, but usually it does. I happen to know how she was called to be the ward newsletter person. The counselor actually came over to give her one calling, but she didn't feel like she could commit to it because she is planning to be working durring the hours that she would need to be available for it. He asked about what kind of work she does and she mentioned that she has a lot of computer experience. Knowing that the ward will also be in need of a new person to do the newsletter, he asked her if she would be able to do that instead. Then he went back and they made their decision to call her as the newsletter person instead.

So, in other words Bishop, I was misguided by an evil spirit, or my overly positive attitude when I received the answer to my prayer about whether I should spend the rest of my life with and have children with the person I am dating? If I cannot rely on the Spirit to actually be the Spirit, then what can I rely on?

Hmmm....knowledge?

The conclusion of his interview was, once again that I need a good man to take me to the temple and support me.

I just don't buy into that anymore. It has done me no good to put myself out on a line, expecting a good man to come along and save me. Love Ya, Bish, but what you are asking of me is not fair.

Anything Goes

I am still laboring in finding a job. I have signed up with several online agencies as well as with a few temp agencies. I have sent out my resume to a few dozen employers, plus there are others who found my resume online and contacted me. From that I have had 9 interviews!...but no offers.

What an array of questions I was asked in these interviews. It's not just about whether a person can do a job anymore. They want you to pull out all the skelatons in your closet out for them to see.

The first interview I went to on Tuesday was with a construction company for the position of Receptionist. I noticed that there was no receptionist and asked if they are going without right now. He explained that their receptionist will be retiring in a few weeks, but she is still around. They went through some of the usual questions and then he asked me what my plans are for the future. I said something like, "...I'll be around for a while." They wanted to know just how long "a while" would be. I couldn't give them the answer they wanted, which was to say that I plan on working for them for the next 30 years of my life so that I can retire as their receptionist! They really had no more questions for me after that.

The second interview was with a company called Circlepix as a customer service representative. They make circular digital images of mostly homes for realtors of the homes they are selling. He comes out in jean shorts and a polo shirt. No one dresses up anymore. When I told him I have a degree in Fashion Design, he suddenly became aware that he was more appropriately dressed to wash his car than to conduct business, let alone interviews. And he said this was a good day for him. I told him I would give him his score at the end of the interview. He came to one point where he asked me what my ideal job would be. I gave in and said I would like to do fashion design, but there really isn't an industry for it here. So, he mentions how the church has a film studio where I could get involved with the costume department. (I already contacted them the first time I moved to Provo, and they expected me to be able to volunteer my time, just like every other fashion/costume company.)

I wasn't there to get career counseling. It was apparent that he didn't think I was a good fit for the job, that or I was too professional in a very casual environment and he was trying to talk me out of wanting the job. He even tested me further by asking me to tell a joke. I have a sense of humor, but I am not a joke-teller. He pressed the request, saying every one knows a blonde joke or a Utah driver joke. Thanks to the 40 minutes that I spent waiting in the DMV, I remembered a joke that I read from their message board. "Utah drivers think that the speed limit in a school zone is how fast the kids can run."

He laughed. Well, I guess it wasn't too too lame. Are you quite finished yet?

The third interview was in Springville, where I have been thinking of moving because it is just past the congested trafic of the freeway, and because the rent is much lower there. The name of the company is InstaLink. I don't even know what they do there, but it has the feel of a warehouse or construction location and the office area is well, kinda dingy. The reception area isn't bad, but when he lead me upstairs, through a couple offices and into the conference room, I was not impressed. It was this long room that must have been designed to fit the huge table and nothing else. But the table had stuff strewn out all over it. Boxes and papers and internet cables. At least the interview was a piece of cake. He actually kept the questions to do with my ability to do the job.

My Dear Aunt Chris

We learned on Saturday morning that my aunt Chris died that same morning. It was not a sudden death, as she has been bed-ridden for the last year from bone cancer. Still, she was young, in her 40s, I believe. She has a 13 year old daughter who will be having to move when the school year is over to go live with her father in Illinois.

My aunt developed an affinity for me shortly after meeting me. She was my only customer when I started my own web design and hosting business. The whole thing was a flop, but she didn't hold it against me. She took me antique shopping one time when I visited Heber City. I bought a pearl sweater clasp, just like I had been searching for. I think of her whenever I wear it. She also adored my son and hated my ex-husband. She told me one time how if she ever saw him that she would want to just punch his face in. Ha, gotta love her.

She was not a member of the church. She was raised Catholic and wanted to remain as such, but she did have great respect for them, especially the way the Relief Society continued to bring meals and help her out over the last year. She even asked my father for a Priesthood blessing a couple times.

We had a luncheon at my uncle's house as my brother and father had already planned to talk about a fishing or hunting trip they have coming up. Because Chris passed away the day before, her family was in town and joined us for lunch, along with a few other family members that stopped in.

Cinco de Mayo

None of the three actual job interview have panned outu so far. I had another one today that I think I would really enjoy as an assistant to one of the four area presidents for an in home security company. My boss would be gone 50% of the time! Rock on! I will know by Monday on that one.

I have three more scheduled, one on Monday and two on Tuesday. I am beginning to think that I look better on paper than I do in person. I hope something comes of all these applications and interviews soon.

The BYU Swing Kids are making plans for a carpool to Denver. I wish I knew if I will have a job by then or not so I could make a decision on whether I could tag along with them or not.

I went to the Skillet for some swing dancing. There was a pretty good sized croud, not as many as last week, but still a good croud and most of them I knew. I danced to I think 8 songs. The best one was with Grant to Billy Holiday's "Comes Love...nothing can me done". We were dancing on the bench and around the posts and having a great time.

After the dancing the kids hung out and had pie to celebrate. I took off without having any pie, to stop in downtown Salt Lake for V's Cinco de Mayo party she invited me to. Wow, she is a social butterfly. She was so excited to share with me her idea to have a fashion shoot one day where I would come up with some fashions for her friends to model and she would do makeup and her other friends would do hair and shoot the photos. She was introducing me to every one as a fashion designer and then she would ask them if they wanted to model some of my fashions or help out in some way. She figured the people involved would benefit from it by having something to put into a portfolio.

I don't feel like I am worthy to call myself a fashion designer and I don't introduce myself as such. I might say that I am an aspiring fashion designer, but even espiring would indicate that I am actively working at becoming one. I haven't even turned on my sewing maching since we moved in January. All of my fabric and patterns are in boxes, up in the loft of the garage. The last creation I worked on was my wedding dress and that's only 15% complete, although granted it's the more difficult 15%. That might be impressive if I finished that and had some nice photos of it.

I wish I could jump up and start making fashions, but I have some other things that are needing my attention before I can take on that kind of project, like finding a job! There's always an excuse, isn't there? I hope some day, I will run out of them.

Lost An X and Gained a V

I made an unexpeted friend recently and a not so surprising enemy.

It started when I sent what I intended to be an email of condolences to X last week. He has been having a hard time dealing with his brother's recent death. His brother has been dealing with drug problems for most of his life. X paid him a visit last summer because he knew that he wasn't doing well. When X found out that his brother was found dead in an abandoned building ten days after he died, X went into a deep depression.

I thought for some time about what I could say to him that might lift his spirits in even the smallest way. I could see that he was dealing with a lot of guilt. I decided to share with him my recent journey of leaving the church. I thought that maybe his choice to return to the church had brought back all his feelings of unworthiness and guilt, so I hoped that he could find a way to shed that.

Instead he was insulted. His response was, "I can't believe you tell are telling me now that you have left the church when that was one of the reasons that you left me." I thought we had an open relationship, but I guess it was only open as long as he thought that we would be getting back together.

A few days after I got his response, I got an email from his most recent ex-girlfriend. She is full of compliments and says she wants to get to know me because she noticed that we have a lot of similar interests, which is true. I'm open to meeting new people and my phone list of girlfriends is still pretty sparse, so I take her up for it. I asked if she has been to the new Sunday night swing dancing venue and I thought it would be a good place to meet some time. I also asked her if she would be willing to fill in some of the gaps for me in writing my book about X.

I found it strange that I got a response from X before I did from her regarding us meeting up. X asked me if it's true that we are going to meet and he goes on to say how she is unhealthy, and he does not want his son around her and that he had to call the cops on her two times and that she is out to turn every one against him.

When I replied to (her name will be ummm...let's just say V) V's next email I asked her why X already about what was said between us and why he would feel it necessary to warn me against her. She was hurt that he would say those things and explained that her and X are no longer speaking so our conversations will remain just between the two of us.

I got a second email from X, who I guess wasn't too happy that I still hadn't replied to his email. I was taking my time to reply because I knew that he was in a delicate state and what I wanted to tell him wasn't going to help that situation, so I was pndering how I could put it to him gently. From this email, it was obvious that he wasn't very concerned about my feelings because he said this. "You really are a piece of work now that you are Anti-Mormon! Enjoy the man you lust for. As for your book, it stops! Your drama...Good bye!"

Then he proceeded to block me so I could not reply. I sent a message to his personal email and said this...

[X],

Excuse me if I did not reply to your email as quickly as you expected. I was trying to think how to carefully tell you what I feel while also considering your feelings because I realize that you are fragile right now. But since you don’t feel it necessary to spare mine here it goes…

I regret sharing with you my recent experience. I thought that we had an open relationship, but I realize now that it was only open as long as you thought that I was going to get back together with you. I don’t know how else to explain to you that given the choice to make over again, I am not interested, and it has nothing to do with my parents. They would probably take that better than the news about my leaving the church.

I am still planning on writing the book with or without your help. I really hoped you would share your journal with me so that it could include your point of view, but I guess it will have to be left up to your friends to tell the story.

I did not tell you that I paid for your warrant in order to ask you for the money. I just couldn’t remember at the time you mentioned it whether I had paid it or not.

You really don’t know anything about my relationship with [Paul] for you to accuse me of lusting after him. You act as if there can be no love for either of us after the love we shared. I have healed and I am perfectly capable of loving and being loved. I hope you too can heal so that you can move on with your life.

Lastly, I hardly feel like I have any obligation to ask your permission when making a decision for the welfare of our son. You let us go several years ago and you have offered dang little support. Health insurance is a drop in the bucket compared to meeting his needs. Besides, I can get it from the state for free.

Trix

Conversely, V has been most open to answering my nosey questions about X to find out what he shared with her about his memory loss. She happened to know him while she was in High School and he was a substitute teacher for her art class. They even talked outside the class room and he gave her his number, but that's as far as it went. This was just before X and I met.

She is still dealing with getting over him a bit and I felt like there might be some things that I know about him that could help her out, so we have been taking turns. I even directed her to my blog, initially to read one that I read about X, but of course she can read whatever else may interest her.

What Is Left?

After I got Guy ready and sent him off to church with my parents, I got myself ready and dressed as it I was going to church also. I left before my parents got back from church. As I was turning the corner onto the main street I saw the Bishop turning into the neighborhood on another member's motorcycle. He waved and I waved back. He really is a good man. I wonder how he will react when he finds out that I left the church. I hope to be long gone by then.

I headed in the direction of my church building, but I just drove on past it, towards the canyon. I considered going into the canyon, but turned west instead into Alpine. I found a neighborhood that sits up on a hill and laid back in my car to ponder and doze off.

I thought about what my next course should be. I still need to find a job before I can do anything. I can't afford to move out of state, which is what I want to do now. I need to save money, but I also need to get out of my parent's house. I have this desire to just run away, far away. My situation is getting a bit sticky.

I went to a supposed swing dancing party on Saturday night. BYU is having finals so there was no dance there, one of the dancers invited everyone to his place, but only 6 people showed including myself and the host, who fell asleep before I left at 11:30. While there and talking with them I was realizing that 80% of my swing dancing friends are Mormon. They and the other 20% already believe that I am Mormon too. I don't think I am ready to explain to my friends yet that I used to be Mormon. Particularly those that are. I am not ashamed of the fact, I just know their way of thinking and what their reaction might be, whether they say it out loud or not. I don't think they would be openly rude to me or anything, I am just not ready to be judged like that.

I remember the kinds of thoughts I had about people I know that left the church. I know several friends and family members who no longer go to church. My mother was raised in the church and she was the youngest and only girl out of 7 kids. Every one of them have been married in the temple. Only one became inactive after his divorce and moved in with a psycho-psychologist. We could all see that she was manipulating him. I have numerous cousins that have left one by one. Even one of the most promising of my cousins, who would not even come with myself and the same uncle that I just mentioned and his girlfriend because my cousin did not agree with his choice to be living in sin with his girlfriend. Ironically enough, she moved in with her college music instructor about a year ago.

It was examples like this that made me shake my head. When it is made known to me by my parents or other family that another member has become inactive. Not much explaination is given. It is assumed that they made the choice to put something else as more important in their lives than making it to the Celestial Kingdom. I honestly didn't have much respect for those that simply became "inactive". I felt like they were hypocrites. They believed one way, but chose to live another. The truth is I honestly don't know what lead them to make the choices they did, but when I see a few of them actually returning to the church many years later, it confirmes my belief that they still have a small testimony that the church is true.

This is why I strugled so badly with even considering giving up the church so that I could date Paul. I finally reached the point where I began to look outside the church for confirming or contradicting evidence because I did not want to have to accuse myself of also being a hypocrite. I easliy found enough evidence within my first day of searching to cause me to believe that the church is not true. My second dip had me up all night reading the story of a convert that later left the church to become Christian.

I really liked his story because he did not choose to leave the church so that he could justify his own selfish desires. He was married in the temple to his wife whom me loved, but he found that they were unhappy and began to wonder if it had to do with the church. He noticed some puzzle pieces out of place, like: his bizarre temple experience, the high divorce rate in Utah, a child that was born in the bathroom of Ricks College, the Ricks College faculty that was smuggling Coke in their break room while the students were offered only Caffeine free sodas, the various other churches that were formed from the supposed only true church, the way the Book of Mormon and other Mormon doctrine contradicts the Bible, why Blacks were not allowed to hold the Priesthood, polygamy, etc.

I did some more reading this afternoon. I read a couple of blogs. I followed some links and ended up at a site that told about the doctrine that they used to teach called the Blood Atonement. This was the idea that there were some sins that needed to be paid for by the person's own blood, suggesting that Christ's atonement was not good enough to cover such serious sins as adultry, apostasy, breaking one's covenenats, stealing, and lying.

I was in tears while reading the account of how one bishop castrated a young man because he refused to give up his bride-to-be to become the Bishop's wife, which was as he claimed the will of God. Apparently castration was a common practice among the church at that time.

Then I read up on the event known as the Mountain Meadow Massacre . I recal hearing something about this, but I brushed it asside figuring that they must have the story mixed up.
Not my church. Yes, indeed the Mormon church. I read an account of the one man who was used as a scapegoat by the church, whom was given the directions to carry out the task along with several other unnamed men.

I am still coping and trying to figure out what I do believe in.

"I Survived the Garage Sale With Frank"

Frank has been so helpful and generous with trying to help me out while I am looking for work. He has made several trips down here to bring stuff for the garage sale and he helped out with the signs and he always brings food for me and something for Guy.

I hate to be ungrateful and maybe it's my pride that is getting the better of me because I feel like I owe him something when he does all these favors for me. I just can't hide anymore how annoyed I am by him. He makes bad judgment calls and he is always so wound up on Rockstars that he makes me tired just listening to him. Every piece of junk he pulled off his truck he wanted tell tell me it's history and describe how it should be repaired or polished to be made good as new, then he would try to convince me that I needed it.

Besides that he does not listen to me. I told him I was planning to start the garage sale Friday afternoon. He made plans to be here from 6 to 9. As we were setting up on Friday morning, he realizes that I want to start at noon, and explains that he has plans because he thought I wanted to start later. "When you said afternoon, I didn't know you meant one minute after." He tried to excuse himself. I suppose he thought that by saying "after noon" I meant 6 hours after.

Rather than setting up his stuff on Friday, he takes off to the hardware store to pick up some paint to begin making signs. he had about 15 boards that he planned to make signs of and scatter around the neighborhood. He wanted to bring them in from the freeway! I hate to be the one to always rain on his parade, but good grief!

I was on my own for Friday, but I gave him the money for anything of his that I sold. I made about $150 that afternoon and a funky sun burn on my ankles from my capris and on my arms from my t shirt.

Saturday morning we were to begin at 8. I was up awake at 7, up at 7:30. Frank knocked on the door at 8:05. When I opened the door he motioned to look at his watch, as if to say, "Why aren't the signs out yet and why are you still in the house? The party started 5 minutes ago!" Great, he's started with the Rockstars already.

He finished the signs he was making. He made sure to put our address on each one of them to that when the policeman found the signs all over the city (because he didn't collect them as he took off, like I asked him to) he would know just who to make the ticket out to for $35 per sign.
I about croaked when I came home from my interview on Monday and saw the neon Yard Sale sign he made from a For Sale sign, stuck right in the lawn of the city library! Who knew that Pleasant Grove has a city ordinance that requires the residents to register with the city to get permission to hold a yard sale and hang signs.

All day Saturday, I think he thought we were having a competition to see who's junk was more valuable than the other person's junk. He wasn't too happy when I told him I sold his bike trailer for $10. He planned to ask $150 for it. Oops, it never would have sold at that price, but he says he would have rather kept it.

He was quick to tell me to let it go when I realized that when I sold my hat and the box to a lady for $1! She asked what I wanted for the hat box. I told her $1 and I asked if she saw that there was a hat in it. She asked if it was ok. I figured she was wondering if was ok that she took the box without the hat, so I said yeah. It was my fault for not double checking, I must have been distracted by some one else that I didn't make sure she left the hat. *sigh* oh well. I had held on to it for long enough.

I began to wrap it up at 1pm. I could feel my arms burning again under the sun. I told Frank that I would be taking anything that he didn't want to try to sell at his sister's house in a couple weeks in a load to DI. So I asked him to tell me what he wants saved. He mentioned a few things, then gave me permission to do with the rest as I saw fit.

He called an hour later, after already trying to reach me 3 times since he left. He wanted to know exactly what I had taken and what I had saved. I was so irritated. Then he began about how I have been treating him. He trys to analyze my behavior, but the truth is I am simply annoyed by him. I am always anxious to get off the phone with him after listening to his long winded lectures and memoirs. And when I do hear my phone ring with the Pinapple Rag that I set, I want to kill my phone....He called at least four more times within the following hour or two.

Dancing With Guy

After several weeks of no dancing for various reasons, I was set on going to the Skillet last Friday. As I was getting ready, Guy asked me if I was going dancing. I told him I was. He asked me if I could go with him. I told him I didn't know if they would allow kids there. He assured me that they like boys there. I tried to reason with him and I told him I would find out tonight if they would allow him to come next time.

I was hesitant because when I tried to take him to the MAC a few months ago, they informed me that they don't allow kids there. So, I didn't want to drive all the way up there for them to tell us that we can't come in like they did at the MAC.

To no avail. He was dead set on going with me. He kept saying how he just wants to watch me and how he would wait in the car for me to find out if he can come in and how he misses me when I go and I caved in. I had been wanting to take him with me anyway, just not especially that night because I knew I wouldn't get much dancing in and I hadn't been in some time. Opportunity presented it's self, so I figured I would take him with me.

I left at my usual tardy time, almost 10. I'm actually surprised he didn't fall asleep before we got there after the 30 minute drive. They were totally cool with having him there. It was no problem. Guy was pretty shy, but he got a friendly greeting from Raymond, (the non-member I started dating when I first moved out here, who is now engaged). He gave him a nice low five. (He barely says Hi to me anymore, I'm glad he was friendly with Guy.)

Guy was having a pretty good time watching the dancers and sitting on Mommy's lap and playing rock the boat by leaning to and frow. Of course no one was asking me to dance with Guy on my lap, so I asked [Tim], who was standing near by. He isn't my favorite person to dance with. He used to ask me when I first started coming out again, but I would never ask him, so now he hasn't aske me in a while either. At any rate, I was desperate and needed to get a dance in. He isn't a terrible dancer, just has a hard time finding the beat occasionally. I was cracking up because he lead some charlston move and somehow my impulse was to do a deep knee bend as if I was blues dancing. He scoffed. I guess it's been that long.

The room filled up quickly. I saw a whole gang of new people there and several other that I know, but have never seen at that venue. Guy wanted to go after a short while. I convinced him to stay a little longer, but I didn't get any more dancing in.

We headed home, but not without an emergency stop at a grocery store so Guy could go potty and to get an almost-midnight-after-dancing-keep-mommy-awake-snack.

Your Comments

I just now discovered the "Moderate comments" tab. I clicked and found and approved the comments that have been left since I have been back. They made some improvements in the security of the comments so that I have to approve them before they are posted. I am glad they finally made the change because I was really annoyed at the few advertisements I was getting in my comments. Some people have no shame.

Anyway, I wanted to say Thank You for your comments. I know I am probably breaking the hearts of some of my LDS readers, but I have no appologies. It's amazing how the stress, guilt, depression, frustration, and pressure have all vanished. I no longer feel the urgency to be rescued from my imaginary tower by a priesthood holder who will take me to the temple, and be sealed to Guy. I can live my life in the present...right here, right now...because that's when it's happening and I have been letting it slip away while reaching for something that I cannot control.

My Coming Out

Sunday night, I began researching some Art colleges. I had LA in my mind because they have both fashion and swing dancing! I requested some information from several colleges, as well as sent out a dozen more resumes.

Monday I got two phone calls from AIU following up on my request for more info about their Fashion Design and Merchandising BA degree program. I found it hard to answer their questions about when I would be prepared to attend school there because at present, I don't even have a job, let alone enough money to up and move to another state.

The second person I spoke with called me back the next day, as scheduled and we talked more about what my career plans are and my committment level, etc. When he begand talking about moving to LA, he could sense that I was a bit uncertain if and when I would be able to do that. He was coaxing me and told me how he moved there with only $200 in his pocket. I told him it would be different if it were just me, but I have a son that I am responsible for also, so I can't take such a risk as that. He understood and when he told me not be scared, I realized just how scared I was and it triggerd me to start crying. I tried to hide it, but couldn't for long. Then I tried to explain that there is much more going on in my life right now than my decision to go back to school. He seemed interested so I shared with him how I have been a Mormon and just recently decided to leave the church and I haven't told my parents yet because I know they will not take it well.

He was taken in. He had such empathy for me because, as he confessed he is gay and had to go through something similar with his conservative parents. He shared how he even had to have a guidance counselor to help him know how to be himself. He called this my "Coming Out" story.

He took me on as his own little project. He encouraged me to get out of my parents house and to make it my goal to work and save some money until the semester starts in September of this year so I can move to LA to follow my dream to become a Fashion Designer!

He said he would call me a couple times a month to follow up with me to see how I am progressing. He suggested I go to Apple One and gave me till the end of the week to do that. I had already planned on it, so I set up an appointment for the following day and applied online.

Nice to Meet You, Trixie. My Name is Trixie

It feels like so much more time has passed than only a few days since my "awakening". Today was the first Sunday since my decision to not return to church. I find myself having feelings of anxiety about my parents finding out about my recent change of heart. I knew I would not be going to church again, but I had to appear as though I was. Thankfully, I started attending the YA Ward, so I don't won't have to go come up with an excuse as to why I am not going with them to the family ward.

Instead of going to church when I left the house in a skirt and my scripture bag. I drove to the trail heads a few blocks away and hiked the short distance to the water storage unit. It is burried and covered with a cement top. I had to hold up my skirt to lift myselt up to it. I didn't remember the bench being there when I was there for the first time with my dad and Guy last week, but there it was for me to sprawl out on. I brought my scriptures and the Bible that I bought at the Dollar Tree last week that I planned to read from while in my solitude. I began with a prayer. It has been some time since I have said a sincere prayer. I thanked God for sending certain people into my life recently to direct me to the truth. I said how I want to get to know Him better. I asked Him to guide me as to what I needed to do next. I was quiet and still, for some time, but no answer came, so I turned to reading the Bible starting in Genesis.

The passages were familiar, yet strange. And I don't mean strangely familiar, because I knew exactly where I had heard them many times before. This time as I read them, they just seemed so far fetched to me. Perhaps I am just in a state of disbelief of everything. I'm not sure still where I stand with my relationship with God or Jesus Christ right now. I am still working on a relationship with Him.

I read as far as when Noah and his family were finally able to come out of the stinky, smelly, cramped arc after 7 months. I always remembered the story to be that it rained for 40 days and 40 nights. Well it did rain for that long, but then it took another several months for the water to run off or dry up before they found dry land. After learning from the petting farm yesterday that a horse will eat up to 2 tons of food each month! it seemed highly unlikely that they would possibly be able to store enough food for all the animals in the World for seven month on that little arc. I remembered one year in seminary we measured out on the church parking lot the measurements of the arc and it just seemed pretty far fetched to me.

It was getting a bit breezy up there so I headed back to my car. I still had an hour before church would get out so I couldn't go home yet. I just started driving. I found myself taking Geneva Road south toards Provo. The radio was playing some songs that really hit home to me. Then one mentioned dancing and I broke down a bit. Oh, how I miss dancing. There was not swing dancing at either venue last weekend. They have really dwindled in just the year since I moved here. I realized I need to be doing more dancing, even if that meant moving to another state where there is a larger scene or taking up a tap class....something, anything....I just need to dance!

I also remembered that I once wanted to be a fashion designer, but I gave up on that dream to be as Paul puts it a "good Mormon". Now I am free to be whatever I want to be. Now is my chance to break out of this shell and learn to be comfortable in my own skin.

Garage Sale

I held a garage sale on Saturday. Most of it was stuff that Frank brought down from his friend's parents' house. They are moving back to Florida. I contributed some of my own stuff too. I even parted with Guy's toddler Radio Flyer Car and the 50's buggy that he slept in.

We had a pretty steady stream of customers. Frank made some signs to help draw in the customers. We sold about 10 boxes of books, all of Guy's 2T clothes I put out got snached up and some maternity clothes and some men's suits, dress shirts and coats...and so much more. I tried to sell things off for cheap. I knew it would be better get rid of it than risk them becoming not interested and ending up having to keep it.

I think Frank was seeing dollar signs and I think he hoped that I would make enough for him to get a piece of the goods. I understood that he was doing me a favor. I actually lied to him about how much money I brought in. I made $380 total and I told him I made over $200. Well, considering after having to pay my speeding ticket of $227, I only had $150 left. Minus $50 to my parents for the reinstatement for the medical terminology course, that leaves me with $100 to buy Guy a pair of shoes, myself some underwear ;) and a few groceries.

Monday, I decided that I would have another garage sale this weekend. Then I got a call from Frank and he said he was planning on hauling the leftover stuff away and having a "real" yard sale. I suggested we make a joint effort where he can sell of the rest of the stuff that he contributed and I can pull out more stuff from my stash to sell and we could keep the profits from our own belongings.

My Hidden Excitement

I am still adjusting to my newfound mental and spiritual freedom. I have to hold back in many ways from showing or speaking about what I am feeling because I am still afraid to let on to my parents that I am planning to leave the church. I imagine myself with my head pearing out of the frosted dome that I have been living in with the other members of the church. I can't share with them what I am seeing because I know they will refuse to look up and see what I see. Occasionally, I have to put my head back in and pretend that I didn't see anything.

I make reality checks with myself..."Do I still believe this...? no, and it feels right to me. I can't do that...wait, yes I can."

I have come to the point where I want to warn my family of the adverse affects of the church and enlighten them to the falsities. As I suspected, for the first time, I told an active-member friend that I am leaving the church, he felt an obligation to testify and convince me otherwise. He told me that Satan has a hold on me. He told me that I have been tricked because I am in a moment of weakness and unworthiness. He told me that I must have faith. I imagine I will be hearing those kinds of comments several more times in the near future. They did not phase me, only annoyed me.

Truthfully, I am really looking forward to buying my first pair of sexy underwear!

A Greater Conviction

I was up until 5 am reading a book online written by a former member of the church that tells about his conversion to Mormonism and then to Christianity....the contraditions between the Book of Mormon and the Bible.

Some of the subjects I read up on were: the symbols on the temple, the contradictions of Joseph Smith's testimony regarding what and who he saw and when, the rituals practiced with the Freemason Cult, the errors in the Book of Mormon and it's contradictions to the Bible, the 4,000 revisions and the forgery of the excerpts from the Bible.

I went to bed with an even stronger testimony that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is NOT true.

The next morning I realized that I couldn't relying on Paul to rescue me from having to relay my discovery to my parents. I decided that I would move out on my own as soon as I was able. I had a job interview this morning for a full time job with a temporary employment agency. If I get the job, I will work towards that goal of moving out within the next month.

I Have Chosen A New Path

The following is an email in response to my old boyfriend that I contacted recently...

I have had some puzzling experiences lately concerning answers to prayers. I must make up the answers in my head, I guess, because they don't seem to be inspired.

I also don't feel like a loving Father in Heaven would disallow me to enter heaven because I cannot find a man to marry me in the temple.

I have been doing some reading about the history of the church and regarding the authenticity of the Book of Mormon and the ordinances within the Temple. I have come to the conclusion that Joseph Smith was a scam artist. There is no physical evidence that the stories in the Book of Mormon ever took place, although there has been sufficient archeological research. There are portions of the Temple endowment that have been removed before I ever entered, that are all together frightening and they came from the rituals exercised among the Masons of which Joseph Smith was a member.

I have lost my testimony in the LDS church. I still believe in Christ and I hope to find a way to keep that faith and worship him in a way that would be pleasing to him.

I am going to continue to see Patrick (Paul) and I am hopefull that it can be a long term relationship. If that does not work out, I don't know...I will cross that bridge when I get to it, but I cannot go back to church knowing what I know now. Although he may be a motive in my searching, I want to make it clear that he never encouraged me to question the church or make this decision, because I have done this on my own accord.

I have not found the courage to tell my parents yet. It may take me some time. I am still coming to terms with it myself. I do not expect this choice to make my life easier. It will, in fact complicate it considerably more than it already is. This is why I hesitated even considering taking such a step.