Too Much Info.

I have been careful not to share very much about my personal life with my coworkers until yesterday. I mentioned to them a couple weeks ago that I was going home for lunch to meet an old boyfriend of mine from high school. Yesterday my boss asked about how that went and if I think anything might become of it.

I told her that it went well, but that it's kind of complicated considering that he lives in Southern California and travels a lot and has another girlfriend. Then I mentioned that I had a semi serious boyfriend in Austin too, but that we just broke up last week, but I have a couple other boyfriends who live in Salt Lake, one from Jamaica and one from Peru. They are nice guys, but nothing serious.

Then she got talking about relationships and finding the right man not just for me, but for my son too. Then I got talking about my ex-husband and told her how terrible of a mistake that was and about the events that lead up to my leaving him including the he wanted to leave the church and how when we got married we planned to go to the temple later. She asked how long we were engaged for. I told her that it was very brief. We started talking about marriage after the first two weeks. We met in May and got married in August of the same year.

I told her how even in the terrible state that I was in before I finally left him, it still took me a long time to decide to leave because I dreaded the thought of going back to the Young Adult scene after being divorced *and* having a son. I said, it was Hell the first time and I was not axious to go through it again once I was branded with the scarlet letters D (Divorced) and M (Mother [single mother means desperate to get married to a man that can support her family but any guy her age is still in school because he only got back from his mission a few years ago.]).

I mentioned that he wanted to get back together with me a few months ago, and he felt like he needed to go back to church, he even confessed everything to his bishop. But I wasn't interested and besides that I had stopped going to church.

I think my boss' mind was kind of spinning by now, but I didn't stop there, I told her that that is why I moved here last year to find more LDS guys to date. She could relate to the fact that there are no good guys left. I mentioned that I would get asked out by all kinds of non-LDS guys, but when I went to the Young Adult Ward they avoided me like the plague. When I moved here I had plenty of options for LDS guys to date, but by age 30+ they still didn't have their act together. Some of them could barely write or speek english, or they didn't have a steady job, let alone a career, or they don't even have a car, etc. She joked how you have to wait for the good ones to get divorced. I said, yeah and by then they have 3 or more kids they are paying child support to their mother for and they have let themself go for 10 years.

I went on to tell her that I was engaged to a guy who rode his bike all the way from Park City to see me and he didn't even have a job at the time that we met, although now he's doing great just taking on carpentry jobs. I told her that we broke up in February and how I met Paul shortly after but I told him from the beginning that it wouldn't work out because I am LDS etc.

She asked me at one point a few months ago if I was Mormon. I told her I used to be. I'm sure she assumed that I stopped going many years ago. I think she was surprised when I told her that I came to realize that the Church is not true and how I haven't been going since May. But the shocker came when I mentioned that I served a mission too. It totally took her back. She asked where I went. I told her Ontario, Canada. She said wow, cause I served a mission too.

She wanted to know why I decided that it wasn't true and I told her that I found some things in the history of the church that bothered me. She said she is courious now to know what I found. I remained vague and told her that it has to do with Joseph Smith and some of the other leaders of the church and I felt that there is conflicting ideas between the BoM and the Bible. I didn't want to hash it out with her so I didn't say specifically. I did tell her that my brother has taken me on as his project in trying to resolve my concerns for me. She asked, "And you prayed about it and everything?"

That's another subject in itself. I haven't prayed in the way that I knew she was speaking of since my breakdown in May. Had I prayed about it? no, but I felt good about it in my mind and heart, so I figured that counted for a "yeah."

I told her that my son stays with my parents on Saturday night so he can go to church with them on Sunday. She asked if I would allow him to be involved in the church if he decides that he wants to when he is older. Of course I told her I would not stop him if he felt that was the thing to do. I let her know that I don't have hard feelings towards the members of the church because I think they are good people, but I found that it wasn't right for me personally.

I felt it necessary to say that I haven't changed who I am because I decided to leave the church. Yes, there are some subtle changes in my life, but I feel good about my decision and I'm doing good.

I know other people within ears shot were listening in on our conversation too. I was just standing at the edge of her cubicle. Come to think of it, the office was pretty quite while we were talking. I'm sure they were at the edge of their seats since 4 of the 6 other people within proximity were all active members too.

I think I may already regret spilling so much information with her. She doesn't treat me differently, but in my mind I wonder what she might be thinking about me. I'm sure she figures I lost the spirit or something.

A Personal Invitation From the Devil

Last night, I woke up at 4am and decided to take a shower. It was nice to be able to take my time in the shower instead of having to rush off to work. Then I went back to bed. I had trouble falling back asleep for a long time. When I finally did, this horrible dream began. Actually, the beginning wasn't so bad, but the ending was horrifying.

It started out as me taking off in the car to go to some swing dancing event, and I ran into a kid that I think I recognized to be someone that I have seen at the BYU dances a couple times. He didn't hide his excitement to see me, so we hung out most of the evening. I was staying with, I guess an old missionary companion, but she was still on a mission, so I stayed with her and her companion in their missionary apartment. I guess I got there before they did (gee, that would have put them out past 9pm, those rebel missionaries) and I picked up their place a bit for them. They were amazed at what I had done when they got back.

We were all three sleeping there on the floor when this little devil person comes in and started poking at us with his pitchfork. I held up my hand and grabbed the handle of it so that he couldn't poke me with it, then it grew another three forks out the sides. I got up and questioned him. I asked him why he was there and what he wants with us. I don't remember him speaking, but I remember this image coming to my mind of what he intended for us. It was a horrible scene. I saw a panoramic view of deformed bodies and people laying in blood. By deformed, I mean, like their arms were sewn to their legs or missing legs or arms, etc. What was strange was that their bodies were almost glowing white, and there weren't any scars, but they were misshapen, and then red all around them. I was ill from the sight of it.

All I could ask is, "Why?" He just replied with something like, "They let me." He was hoping that I or we would let him, but I refused. I was amazed that all of those people would allow him to do that to them. They seemed, not sad, not all of them in pain, but because of their deformity they were left mostly helpless. I wondered if they understood what they had gotten themselves into. There they were, just lame lumps of flesh. None of them crying or begging for help. Just existing like they don't care. They were numb, experiencing no thoughts or feelings.

He assured me that he would not touch me unless I allowed him to, just the same as everyone else. I tried for a second to comprehend why a person would allow him to do that, but I was afraid to go there in my mind. I had seen the result and I knew that wasn't what I wanted for myself, to be a deformed pet.

Breaking Free

I've forgotten what it was like to have my heart broken. I suppose it's only fair with the number of times I have broken the hearts of others. I wish I had left him alone after my visit to Austin. Instead I let him back into my life. We even talked about making plans to be together, but it only got my hopes up. It only made me more willing to sacrifice myself, but it wasn't enough. Even after all that I have done he demands more. I cannot meet his demands any more. I must free myself of his chains and become my own master.

What is Gained?

I got an email from my brother last night in which he addressed a few concerns about the church that I shared with him. They seemed to rid the church of an fault in the ordeal. Particularly the incidents of Blood Atonement. He pointed out that I could have found the information if I wanted to and that there must be another, personal reason why I have chosen not to believe. Perhaps that is true and once again that reason no longer exists.

I had a dream last night that I decided to either go on a mission or go to school at BYU while still being in the unbelieving state of mind. My family was all around me as I was settling into the dorm. They were all wondering why I would choose to do such a thing, knowing that I stopped going to church and that I don't have a testimony. How would I share my nonexistant testimony? and why would I feel the need to try?

I'm not sure if I am just now feeling the loss from abandoning the church or if I am feeling the loss from realizing that Paul and I will never work.

Talking to God: Carnival of the Veil #23

Talking to God: Carnival of the Veil #23

Gunner, auther of Talking to God is the host. Send him an email if you would like to participate.

Carnival of the Veil

Kitakazoo shares the pains of being shunned by her own TBM daughter. What I want to know is what is her daughter hiding under her saggy, baggy underwear?

Kit also gives her insight to the Polygamy Community.

Eight hour lunch tries to capture the beauty of Rome, but being alone makes him home sick for his daughter.

Darqueheart declares that a real man irons his own shirts.

Sister Mary Lisa tells about the day God got a 1000 USD bonus. I think her husband is more deserving of the real man award.

Arizona Expositor’s wife wishes he would give their daughter a priesthood blessing.

Equality transcribes The book of Gladius

Sinister porpoise reaches a long term goal (though she keeps that goal a secret) and just can’t find the time to pay the Tax Man from all the money she’s making.

Matt of Notamormon gives his analogy of the age old question “Are Mormon’s Christian?”

Fiddley divulges some of his favorite secret combinations….and here too.

Finally, the man that birthed the Carnival of the Veil, Gunner. He makes the shocking statement that “Nonmembers” are good people too? Not just good, better?! Impossible ;)