Thursday, August 11, 2005

"Ground Patrol to Major Tom"

I am having that dreaded feeling that I get occasionally. It's as if I were lost and floating in space and I don't know which direction is up, therefore I don't know in which direction to go. If you have ever seen the movie Fire in the Sky, it's like the part when he awakens from the gel cocoon. Once he is out of the cocoon he finds himself in the center of a vast cylinder where the walls are lined with thousands of cocoons, as far as he can see in one direction. In the other direction he sees his own key chain that belonged to him. There is a light in the direction of the key chain and he floats towards it. Once he grasps it, he looks up and sees space suits. By their form, one can tell that obviously belong to aliens. He walks over for a closer look. After a moment an alien enters the room. He runs in the other direction and ducks into a tube-like pathway where he has to crawl through. He is struggling to get away from the aliens and they are faster and skinnier and stronger than him. As he is crawling he bumps a pair of child size glazzes and they begin to float in front of him. The aliens grab his legs and pull him back out of the tunnel. At this point he starts crying out. There are several of them now and they take him back to the room where the space suits were. An examination table comes up from the floor. They hold him down while some sheets of shrink plastic come from above. Then steam shot down from the ceiling and the plastic clung tightly to his body, including his face, and over the sides of the table. They cut a hole over his mouth and nose, then they stuff his mouth with this brown gel to keep him from yelling. Then they proceed to do an examination on him, poking and prodding...etc.

When I feel as if I am floating, I almost wish some aliens would start chasing me because at least then I would know which direction I don't want to go. I would have a get away from the aliens. As it is, I feel lost and I don't know which way to run. I suppose it's a similar instinct that keeps people in an abusive relationship. Because it is familiar to them. I am in no way suggesting that I am in an abusive relationship, but the thought ust occured to me.

I do feel like I am stuck in a rut, though. I need to find a way to break it and I'm not sure what the change is that I need to make. As I have mentioned, in my High School Nightmare entry, I have a habbit of being attracted to/dating guys that are a bit rebelious in nature. I think I am attracted to the excitement and adventure. I don't like to do things the way others do and we can relate to eachother in that regard. Frankenstein is what you might call a reformed bad boy. He has done it his own way all his life, but he has made some changes in his life and wants to do it The Lord's way now. This has built character in him. He has had everything and he has had nothing. He appreciates even the simplest things in life. He is fun loving and happy, yet he has a sence of reality where he does not play games. Instead, he is open and honest with me and those around him. He says just what is on his mind, instead of hinting or sulking to get attention.

He has brought a breath of fresh air to my life. He supports me in everything I do. He helps with caring for my son. I know Guy loves him, too. He loves to go things for me and give me things. He is always complimentary towards me. He is also extreemely understanding of the importance of my relationship with my parents. Although he has been hurt by some of the things my father has said, he understands that they are trying to protect me. Besides that, they have an investment in my success in life.

We still talk about and hope to be married some day, but we realize that it is still very early in our relationship. In an effort to avoid wasting time in a relationship that may not work out, I tend to hope for an answer to a prayer at the beginning to know if it is right. This would also ease the heartbreak if I broke it off soon rather than late.

A few days after we met, I fasted to know if I should continue dating Fankenstein. I received a confirmation that, yes it's ok for me to be dating him. I sorta told God that I will need him to continue to assure me, because I want to be sure, and I am not confident in myself. ( I need to have more faith and confidence in God) A week later, I was filled with The Spirit as the thought came to me the night Guy caught his first fish, "You caught your fish."

(As I was typing this, The Spirit was telling me that I need to have more faith and rely on the answers that he has already given me.)

I held to that up until the time my dad forbade me to take the car to see him and suggested that I break it off with him. Then the thought came to me that I should break it off with him until he gets a car. Which would have made my parents happy and it would keep me from having to lie to my father when I meet Frankenstein in Salt Lake. I did not feel The Spirit at the time. I don't know if it's because it's not what I wanted to hear or if it was simply a thought in my head.

This morning, I got out of bed with a feeling that I needed to get on my knees because there was somthing important that I needed to hear. I told The Lord that I am listening and I want to hear what it is that he needs to tell me. I cleared my mind of all my thoughts for a minute. Then the sentence, "(Frankenstein) is not for you." came into my head, but The Spirit did not come with it. I tried to clear my mind again and it came again, "(Frankenstein) is not for you."...then several times more I heard it, but it was not comforting.

So, I asked, "Well, then what?.." The next thought was that I should get back together with my exhusband. I know that can't be right! Perhaps he is casting some Voo Doo spell on me to try to get me to get back together with him.

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