My Mind is a Blank

What started out as a most gray, misserable day, ended with a strange and rewarding evening. I have several days off this week, as of today. I started my day in the same mood I was in last night; lonely and unmotivated. I wanted to just lay in bed all day and let it pass me by. Guy was anxious to get up and go for a ride in the car, but I went back to bed after breakfast and Guy's bath. I knew there were things I could have been doing to tidy up the house or work towards packing for the move, but preferred to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself.

I finally got up and we got ready and did a little shopping. There's nothing like buying a few new clothes to make a girl feel better.....unless, they don't fit when she tries them on. I don't try them on in the store anymore, I just buy them and pray that they fit.

Guy was a very good boy for me in the stores. He stayed close by me most of the time and he put things back when I asked him to. I picked up some more yarn to make some scarfs for the Stockton/Hammond kids.

When I got home I got a call from work asking me to fill in for the evening starting right now and staying over until morning. i was to care for a woman who normally receives 24 hour assistance. I figured she must be in pretty poor health for her to have someone there round the clock. I arrived an hour later and the woman on the previous shift was still there and she had prepared dinner and gave the woman her meds. I asked the other caretaker what there was for me to do for her and she said, "Nothing, except make sure that she takes her meds first thing in the morning." She didn't even need assistance with getting breakfast. She was in good health, she is just suffering from a bit of Alzimers. It wasn't terribly serious. She still had some of her wits about her. She is from Englad and has a subtle accent.

She kept asking if I was the daughter of the other caretaker or if we were related. I told her we just met. After asking for the third time the other caretaker told her," Yes, she is my daughter", and put her arm around me. After the other caretaker left we had dinner and got to know eachother a bit. She continued to ask me if I am from around here. I answered her the same only slightly different, telling her that I live in the neighborhood, on Sheridan, about 5 min away. I started cleaning up the dishes for her and she gestured that I needent do that, that I am a guest. I assured her that it was quite alright. We went in the living room and I got out my knifty knitter and started on a new scarf. Her daughter called and I heard Francis saying, "Well, no but there is some girl here doing some knitting. No I don't think so." I interjected to her that I am from Comfort Keepers. Her daughter asked to speak with me. She confirmed the time that she would be there in the moring and gave me her husband's cell phone # to call if I needed anything.

We continued to visit for a while. We each played a song on the piano. She kept saying how she used to play Bridge with some lady friends a couple times a week and that she was in some tournaments, etc. I asked her if she could teach me the game. We got out some cards and she delt them all out as if there were four at the table. Then she seemed to forget how it was played from there. She kept saying, "My mind is a blank. My mind is a complete blank. I know how to do it, but I con't explain it. We ended up playing a variation of a few games, then I suggested Go Fish. We played that for a few rounds until we were through. Then she made us some tea.

She had not stopped asking me if I lived around here and then started asking me why I was there. I explained that I was there to visit with her and to help her with anything she might need. She assured me that she is very active and that she has lots of friends and that her daughters come around often to check on her. I told her that I was asked to come by her daughter, (I assumed). "Which daughter?" she would ask.

I had an idea and I told her who I thought, but I wasn't certain. "Do you know my daughter?" she inquired.

"Well, no. I have never met her. I was told by my employer to come visit with you." I tried to explain.

"Well, if you don't mind I would like to ask you to leave. I have never heard of such a thing as strangers showing up to visit with people for the sake of it. I don't know you and I don't need any help with anything. I have traveled the world and I have a lot of family and friends around to help me with anything I need. I really don't feel like we are even compatible with eachother with our age difference."

This went around a few times. She tried to call her daughter, but got the wrong #. I figured I better call the number her daughter gave me. I got the voice mail, so I left a message asking her to call back and hopefully explain the situation to her mother. The thing was, she could't even remember that she spoke to Cathy earlier that evening and asked to speak to me. I then called my boss, on his cell phone. I got his voice mail also.

She asked me if I was going to leave. I told her I would like to hear back from either her daughter or my boss before I go because I was asked to stay with her for the night.

She was so distraught about my being there that I figured I was just making her upset and nothing I could say would make her understand. Truthfully, I didn't understand why they thought she required 24 hour assistance. I figured if she can make tea and play Go Fish, she can get herself ready for bed and sleep for the next 8 hours or more.

I left my number with her and told her to call if she needed anything. She said she doesn't figure she will be calling me. I grabbed my things as bid her goodnight.

I called my boss when I got home to expain what happened and that I hope I did the right thing.

I figured I may as well continue with the plans I had made before I was called to work, which was to go swing dancing, where my ex husband furnished all of the artwork for. I had heard that they got new ownership and I was interested to see what they had done with the place and what might have become of the paintings.

I had arranged to go swing dancing with some friends I had recently met from an LDS web site. There was a group that was to meet up and go early for the lesson. They would have been there for an hour already, so I decided to meet them there. I called another friend and she met me there.

They made some major renovations to the inside of the dance club. It has some Tiki Lounge theme. I still don't know the new name. My old friend at the bar greeted me with a smile and a hug. The place was packed. They made a door to the VIP room from the dance floor, and they built an upper-level around the far walls. I did not see the friends I was hoping to meet there. Considering they were there for the lesson, they probably left already.

I saw several old friends and even more new kids. I danced with Somes, John, Rod, and one of the guys from Salsa dancing. He is an excellent dancer. I danced with him one other time at Salsa, and I don't think I impressed him much with my Merengue. I asked him to dance and he told me to go easy on him. I laughed, Ha! It was a pretty fast song, but he is a strong lead. I think he was giving it all he's got and I was able to follow pretty smoothly. Afterwards, he told me I am a great dancer.

There was an older couple there, dancing on the upper-level. My friend said to me, referring to them, "That's how I want to be when I am old. Still going out dancing with my sweetheart." Those are my sentiments too.

Dressed Up 

All Dressed Up

I live for the next excuse to get dressed up. When I have no where to go, I just stay in my pajamas. When I lived in Provo I went out dancing several times a week. I would start at 7 to get ready. I started with a warm bath and shaved my legs. I put lotion and powder all over. I mended and ironed the dress I was planning to wear. I picked out coordinating jewelery and painted my nails, including my toe nails in a shade that complimented my outfit. I applied several layers of lotions and treatments on my face before applying makup, and I took time to strategically place every hair on my head.

Two hours later I would put on my vintage glasses, tie a scarf around my neck and pick a matching purse and jacket, then make the 40 drive into SLC. I would get there after it had been going for a while. This way everyone was warmed up already and I didn't have to stand around by myself staring at the other two people across the empty dance floor, or make a trip to the bar to buy a soda. Instead, I would walk right in like I owned the place, scan the faces for someone to dance with, then set down my things. On a good night I would be dancing before the song was over.

I miss having a reason to dress up for, especially when I thought someone special might be there. Where is my someone special? I still dress up, but it seems that women are the only ones that notice. I wish I could know better what men think of my appearance. I never get any feedback from them. Not even a sexy smile or a wink. Why is it that when I look at their faces there is no expression? What is it about me that turns them off? Is it knowing that I have a son? Is it the shape of my body? Is my hair too short? Am I too short? Too old?

Going to church makes me a little self concious. I feel everyone's eyes on my, but they don't say anything. I look just the same when I go out salsa dancing and the guys there can't stop telling me how beautiful I am. Perhaps they have different motives. Do they just tell a woman what she wants to hear so they can get her in their bed? I expect much of the time this is true. Are they so drunk that every womean there looks beatuful? I wonder if the only way for me to catch a member is to get them drunk or sleep depribed.

Preface

I was encouraged to set this up by a friend, admitedly it didn't take much. This is intended to keep a personal journal. So far, mine has been patchy. I have written about a few major events in my life, but mostly I save communications between myself and others as journal entries. I don't often share my truest, inner-most thoughts with people...and here I am intending to publish them for all to see.
I am much better at communitcating in the written form (although I realize I am not a spelling bee winner, so please forgive if I offend) and the majority of you who will read this are strangers anyway.
So, since I am going to do this, I figured I would pull all the stops and be as thorough and true to myself as possible.