The Queen of Blues

I checked in with the Swing Forum after I broke up with Frank to become reaquainted with the current swing venues. There was a post from an out of towner looking for a place to dance while he was in town for one night. He suggested either swing or Blues. I took some time to look into what the city had to offer that night. It was the 13th of February that he would be in town, the night before Valentine's Day and it seemed that most of the clubs were saving themsleves for the next night, but I did manage to find a regular blues band that plays on Mondays at the Zanzibar. I had never heard of the band, nor had I been to the club so I really didn't know what it had to offer, but I threw it out there to see if he or anyone else was interested.

So, he takes me up on the suggestion and it turned out that we were the only ones up for it. It became a date between the two of us and he even offered to take me out ot dinner before. I didn't know whether or not he was a Mormon and expected that he wasn't. It didn't concern me because he would only be here for one night and he lives in freakin' Austin, Texas and we were just two people who wanted to go dancing.

He is a Vegetarian, so he asked about a vegetarian restaurant. I found several restaurants online, but finding one that was open on a monday after 6pm was the challenge. There were a few to choose from, but the first one we met at had changed names and was closed, so I hopped in his car (while I was getting my purse from my car, I realized that I didn't have my drivers license with me. I had pulled my old stunt again and left it in my coat pocket from the dance the previous weekend) and we searched for the next one on my list, only to discover that it too had closed already. Then it occured to me that the Olive Garden would be open and I know they have vegetarian dishes.

We both had the eggplant parmegane. We talked about religion, and how we got into dancing. I told him I was kind of new to Blues dancing. I took one very basic lesson last summer and I got a taste of it from some of the guys that I knew how to dance it, but I let him know partly as a warning because I really didn't know what level I was at, so I didn't want him to be disappointed.

After dinner he was cool enought to drive down to my house so I could get my ID so we can go dancing as planned. In the car we discussed ex-spouces and shared some crazy things we have done. The time I went skinny dipping is what I usually think of first.

We found Zanzibar quite easily. I was this little whole in the wall with a tiny stage and dance floor and some table and chairs set up in front of the bar. There were a handfull of people there diggin the band, none of which were dancing though. We sat through the rest of the song that was playing then he ( I give him the name Paul, after an old crush I had in college the he reminds me of), Paul asked if I wanted to dance.

I was immediately comfortable with dancing with him, which is important in Blues because the dancing is done so closely. He is a very smooth and easy lead. I loved how he payed such close attention to the changes in the music and lead accordingly. The band and the audience seemed to enjoy watching us. We only had two songs before the band took a break. When we sat down after the second song he sarcastically (60/40) asked me,"Will you marry me?" We both chuckled. I guess I was doing ok out there. I told him I wasn't sure how I would do because it had been a while and didn't have much experience at it. He assured me that he would dance Blues with me any time. He brought up the point that if we were to tell the other people there watching us dance that we had never danced together before or even met before tonight that they wouldn't believe us.

While sitting together he asked what I want to be when I grow up life goals, like my owning a costume shop. He shared some stories of when he worked in the wardrope department at his High School. He even admitted that he can sew!..and that he has been mistaken for being gay, but he assured me that he isn't.

He felt the impulse to give me a neck massage and I wasn't about to refuse. He is so gentle and acurate about the massage that I was melting like butter. Now I was really loosened up for dancing again when the band came back to play.

We were falling in love on the dance floor and in front of an audience. We sat one out for the guest singer. There was a magnetic pull between the tops of our heads as we sat together closely. Then the pull rotated to our faces and settled on our lips. It seemed natural that we should kiss and we did. It was a little reserved because of the setting, so it left me wanting for more. We had a few more fabulous dances before we left.

He drove me back to my car. We lingered to enjoyed each other's company and affection for a while longer, durring which time I tried to explain to him why 'we' could never be because I want to marry some one in the temple so that it will last forever, but I think all he heard was, "I can't marry you because you are not Mormon."

(By the title I am not implying that I am the queen of blues dancers, but the queen of having the blues over always having to break up with my dates.)

BYU Swing Dance

Saturday night, I went to the BYU Swing dance. I was invited several other places, including the performance of Lame O's friend (who was not a Lame'O) from Detroit at Borders. I needed some swing dancing.

It was strange to be in that ballroom again. I think the last time I had been there was with X and he pulled some crazy karate move on me or something that either hurt me or made me look like a fool. I got upset and left the floor in the middle of the dance. We left immediatly after that.

I found some babyfaced kid to dance with and as we were walking onto the dance floor, I heard someone calling my name. It was some one from my old Ward in Citrus Heights. He and his sister were at the dance. After the song was over we caught eachother up on where our lives and our families are at now. They knew about my divorce, not sure how, but I suppose news like that travels fast. Sweet kids.

OK, so in all the kids there are still 5 years younger than me, except for the one non-mormon BYU coach that I already fell for and dusted my feet of. I had a good time anyway. They are in such their own little click. They rarely go outside their comfort zone to ask a girl to dance. I noticed though, that the guys rarely have to ask a girl to dance because the girls all race to get to the guy they want to dance with before another girl does.

Overall, it was pretty good. I did more asking and sitting on the stage than I would have liked to, but I'm glad I went, even if I did give up three other invitations for dates. Phewy.

I like swing at the MAC better. There are some other places to go. We'll see how they compare.

My First Night Out After Being Ungaged

I promised myself that I would Dance or Die!, the weekend after I broke it off with Frank. This kid I met from an online service, called me up to invite me to a dance happening at Trolly Square. On my way there I realized as I listened to the ad on the radio that it was an LDS Promise dance. I wasn't sure just how promising it would be.

I wore my tight little jeans with the pink kitty on the rear, a pink shirt and my white rabbit fur coat that I bought recently at a thrift store. I was considering selling it on ebay because it's a little small, but I think I changed my mind. The dance turned out to be not so bad. I think my coat got me noticed. I danced with four different guys and gave out my number to two of them. Both wanted to take me out salsa dancing. One of them owns a used car lot. He has some sweet rides of his own. The one guy that actually caught my eye, left before I got to meet him. I saw him watching me dance but I think he was turned off by what he may have thought was competition.

I danced the last fast dance with the kid that invited me. He is a R&B musician from England. He used to be a professional dancer, but he suffers from Arthritis now. He asked me for a ride home. We took a detour by way of Dee's. The guy is 40 years old, does not have a car, and works temp jobs. I paid for his steak dinner. He acted hungry, but admitted he did not have the cash, so I told him to order whatever he wanted. He promised to make it up to me and take me out to dinner another time. ie: I can drive up to Salt Lake and pick him up in my car so we can go out to dinner at Arctic Circle so he can buy me a burger. I just had hot chocolate.

No, you can bet I won't be going out with him anymore. I wonder if he would give me the number to his friend who just moved to PG from Denver, that I met at the dance?

The Wrestling no Match

I signed back up on the LDS dating web site. There are so ver many more people on there. They must get 100 new people a day. I was innondated with smiles and cards, emails and pm's within the first few days. It was difficult to respond to all of them, so I choose not to respond to some, others got a thanks, but no thanks. Then there were a few older men that seemed like possiblities, they hit me up for a night out of dancing.

The first date I made was with this student from UVSC. I was hesitant when I found out that it was my pictures with my arms raised and centered on my chest that got his attention. And here I thought it was because of all the charming things I said in my profile, that they would want me for my personality.? Huh, I guess I was giving men too much credit.

So, Skippy got very creative on where we should go for our date. It was agreed that it needed to be in public place so that he would not be tempted to find out what was under that yellow sweater. Of all places, he took me to Highschool Wrestling! I busted out laughing when he told me where we were going. I thought he was kidding. No, he wasn't. The McKay Center was having a HS Wrestling championship for three days. We stayed for maybe 40 minutes, about 40 minutes longer than I cared to stay. I pretended to be interested. I didn't have a clue about the rules, so he was filling me in.

We stopped in at Krispy Kream to have some hot chocolate and a donut after. I got the impression that he was ready to call it a night, then he asked about what happened with my ex-husband and I tried to make the very long story brief. We talked about live music for a while.

Then he said what I was thinking, "Well, it's almost 10:00, shall we call it a night?"

What's behind Door #46?

I need to write in the present for a while, because it is what is happening in my life right now that I long to express.

Friday night, January 27th after dropping (ok, I am now referring to Frankenstein as Frank to save me a few letters to type) Frank off at his brother's house, I got the impression that I needed to go to the Temple. I had good intentions to, several times, but I felt an urgency about it this time. The following Thrusday I was able to make arangements with my mother for her to watch Guy for me while I went.

I was seeking an answer regarding whether or not I should marry Frank. I still could not feel 100% sure about it. While in the temple, I imagined Frank there going through for the first time. It was a challenge to picture him being very serious about it all. I expected to look over and see him looking at me wonering what in the world was going on. All through the session I was still feeling ok about it. When I went into the Celestial room, I blocked out all the people standing around, crouding the room. I prayed for some kind of inspiration regarding Frank.

I heard the Lord speak to me in my mind. He told me that if I married Frank, that I would be okay~. Then he posed the question to me, "but what if I had some one else in mind for you?" Then the face of one of the elders that served on my mission came to my mind.

I have not kept in touch with any of the elders from my mission. I did see him at the quaint mission Christmas party, but we did not say much to eachother. I was already engaged to Frank at the time.

I adore him and I know there has been more than one sister missionary that would have liked to marry him. He has a wonderful singing voice and a great smile, and I know he is very nice. I was watching him play with my old companion's kids that were there at the party. They were loving it.

I knew that if I were to persue this, whether it would be this elder or not, I realized that I needed to break up with Frank to allow me to explore my other options.

My other assignment from the Lord, in the Celestial room was to call this missionary companion of mine with the kids, who happened to marry an elder from our mission and I believe he and this other elder keep in touch. Perhaps the word will get passed along to him that I am available again.

I guess it's up to him now.

In the mean time, I have been thrown back to the wolves and I am dating again.

Christmas Adventure

For Christmas, Frankenstein and Guy and I visited with this family that moved into Frankenstein's apartment complex from Sudan. They are refugees. We brought them clothes and toys. Guy did very well with sharing his old toys with them.









Then Guy wanted to go on a train ride, so we took TRAX up to Temple Square to see the lights. When we got off trax, there was a street performer getting ready to put on a show. He juggled flaming batons, tossed a bowling ball with his foot and caught it on his head... etc.













We wandered around the square quickly, then headed back because it was too cold for Guy to be out very long.









Then we came back to my parent's house and we all opened our gifts for eachother.

My major gift from Frankenstein was a digital camera. As you can see, it doesn't take the most high quality pictures. I think I have learned how to use it a bit better since the first pictures I took, but it can only do so much. I picked it out from ebay. I think Frankenstein thought I was ripped off, but I like that it is so small and light it even fits in my purse or pocket, so that it is not such a burden to take with me wherever I might want a camera with me without having to feel like I need a press pass.

Tonsillectomy

I happened to see in Guy's throat one day when he was laughing. I wondered if I was looking down the throat of a cartoon character, the way his tonsills were enlarged and dangling in the back of his mouth. They were each the size of a large grape. I wondered how he had been eating and why he hadn't complained of a sore throat.

I took him into the Dr. thinking he may have been exposed to Strep Throat, which Frankenstein was just getting over. The quick test in the office was negative. His cold symptoms cleared up, so I figured he was over whatever it was, but when looking at them again a week later, they were still just as enormous. I took him in again to have them do the test that goes to the lab, the culture. It also came up negative.

I suggested to his Dr. that he might need a tonsillectomy. He proceeded to give me this lecture about how several years ago they would take a child's tonsills out more readily, but in children his age, it's normal for their tonsills to swell, especially when they are fighting a virus. Then when they turn, about 10 they tend to shrink back to a normal size. This was before he looked in his throat again. He realized immediately that needed to come out, so he referred me to an Oncologyst.

I got the same lecture from the Oncologyst before he looked in his mouth. He asked me if he is experiencing sleep apnea or if he compains of a sore throat, or if he has any trouble eating. Guy did not indicate to me that he was experiencing any of these symptoms, so the Oncologyst was surprised when he looked in his throat and saw the size of his tonsills. He said they use a scale of 1 to 4 and 4 is touching, but Guy's were actually pressing against eachother.

It didn't take any more convincing for him to realize that they needed to come out. He said that Guy has probably only been getting 60-70% of the sleeps that he needs. He said his body is working hard just get enough air while he is sleeping that he can't really relax and go into the deep sleep as in the REM state.

By the time he was done I half expected to have a new child after the surgery was over. He would get more rest, which would mean he wouldn't be as irritable, he wouldn't be constantly sick and irritable.

December 14th, we went early in the morning to the surgery clinic. Guy was so very brave when he had to leave with the nurse. He didn't even cry. He wasn't too happy when he woke up from the anestesia. After resting for an hour he woke up with a bunch of energy. He even thought he wanted to eat some of the nachos we brought home for lunch. After a few minutes at the table, he just slithered down from his chair and put himself to bed with his Blue Bear that he got for being so brave.

He recovered fairly quickly. In plenty of time to enjoy Christmas.

California Drivers...

I finally got my Utah driver's license. Just in time to get a speeding ticket a few hours later!

Who is Mr. Right?

November 15: I'm really not sure how this is all going to play out with [Frankenstein] and I. There was a period where I debated whether I should break up with him and move on. I have dated many, many guys, but there is always something from the basic requirements that they lack. Those requirements are: over 27 years old, LDS and active * bonus if they have a recommend or are an RM, out of college, have a decent steady job, speak English, physically fit, moderately good looking, with a personality, mentally ready for marriage, who'll treat me nice and not take advantage of me, gets along well with my son, can handle becoming an instant father, and who doesn't already have two or more children of his own that he has to pay child support for. Not to mention that there needs to be some attraction and similar interests. I used to hope that he would even be a swing dancer. I hate to say that I am settling. I suppose I could continue dating for the next 10 years and settle when Guy is 13 and I am too old to have any more children so I become a second mother to my new husbands teenagers. I guess I have given up in my search for Mr. Right. So for one to say that I could have any man doesn't mean much to me. Unless I just don't know where to meet them.

A recommend is now a requirement, not just a bonus.

Civil or Celestial?

November 14: I guess there's really no reason why we couldn't be engaged before everything else happens. As wonderful as [Frankenstein] is, I just don't want to give my parents a heart attack, when I announce to them that I am going to marry a man who doesn't have a job or a car or a home or a temple recommend. Can you imagine? I mean I have to live with them, too (for a while longer). Yes, it did turn out to be a blessing that I was never sealed to my last husband. The civil divorce alone took over a year, partly because I lost contact with him a couple times because he was couch surfing and homeless after I left him. His first wife waited that long for him to write the letter that is required by the temple, explaining why they divorced. It was necessary in order to cancel the sealing so she could be remarried.

A New Member of the Family

November 5: Guy and I went to Petsmart and got him a new pet. When he picked out a fire belly toad for his friend's birthday, I promised Guy he could have one too. But he decided he wanted a mouse instead. So we set him up with a new cage and all the fixin's. Her name is Ebony because she is all black. My brother's cat sure likes her!

Little did we know that we should have named her Houdini. In a week, we discovered that she managed to squeeze her way out of the cage. I spotted her one morning on my way to work, but she darted into some clothes that I looked through, but I could not find her again. Two days later I put on my coat and I was alarmed when I felt something moving inside the sleeve. I ripped the coat off, after I let out a little yelp. I felt around the coat to find her, but I could not feel her when I set the coat on the floor and ran my hands over it. I put the coat on again, thinking it was either my imagination or that she had escaped from the coat already. Then again I felt her crawling in the lining of my coat. I managed to trap her and put her back in her cage.

I put more wire around and through the wider spaces in her cage, but it didn't keep her from getting out the very same night. The cat discovered her in the pantry. I was able to corner her and put her back in her cage, after putting more extra wire on it.

This mouse got out yet again. And she stayed out for several weeks until we started moving to the new house. We had all written her off, but there she was all along in Aaron and Kari's pantry, scarfing down the beans and peas.

She had become so fat this time, that she can no longer fit through her cage!

Halloween

October 31: Robbie and Guy and I went trick or treating through the Sandy Mall, then through the neighborhood. We had a good time. Guy got scared by the Dragon's lair in our neighbor's garage. They go all out for Halloween. There were lit up ghosts flying around the houses in the court with a wire cable.

Guy wanted to be Superman Guy for Halloween, so I stayed up late making a costume for him. I made an S out of yellow felt and red velveteen and sewed it to a blue sweatshirt, then attached a red satin cape at the collar. Then I made the cutest little red velveteen shorts, but I managed to forget to put a zipper in them so they were a little tight going on, but I just knew they would fit once they got over his hiney. He refused to wear them and the spats. *Sigh..*

No, I don't have any pictures of that either! My sister in law took several, but I still have not layed eyes on them, even after much asking.

I dressed as a flapper girl for work and wore my mink stoll with my brown, mini-polka-dot, crepe, hankerchief hem dress, brown fish-nets and finger waves in my hair.

What Did You Say The Answer Was?

October 4: My man and I are doing great. My bishop asked me to see him last Sunday. He is so concerned for me that he prays for me each morning and night. He told me how the Lord was speaking to him at the Ward activity earlier in the week, telling him that I need to be married. He wanted to find out what has been happening in my life and if there was anything he could do to help me find a husband. I told him about [Frankenstein] and I told him that I still go back and forth about whether he is right for me or not. My Bishop gave me a blessing that I would receive an answer within a week that I may know what is right for me. I went home that night and made a wish list of the things that I want in a husband and compared [Frankenstein] to that list. He scored about 80%. Then I prayed for an answer. The answer was "Yes, Yes, Yes, one thousand times, YES". About the same time I was praying, Robbie was being arrested! Is that ironic or what?

I should explain that Frankenstein was in Arizona for about 10 days, working on a job for his friend installing shelving for a new store. After I studied and prayed and got my answer and read the scriptures, I got a call from Frankenstein. He was out with his friend and on his way back to the hotel he called me from a pay phone and said he would call me when he got back to his room. I never heard back from him.

His friend became worried because he did not come home that night, nor did he show up for work on Monday, so he reported him missing on Tuesday Morning. We learned, rather quickly that he was in jail. I finally hear from Frankenstein later that a fternoon. He tells me how he decided to have one last night of "sin" or what ever, so he had a few drinks. After he got off the phone with me, he had an accident on his bike. The police arrested him for obstructing traffic because his bicycle was in the road. They kept him in jail for two nights until noon on Tuesday, after they could have a court hearing.

In my prayer asking for an answer, I confessed that I have a hard time trusting myself or the Spirit. I let him know that I would need a solid answer, one that could not be misread or mistaken. I also asked for greater faith, that I may not doubt or question whatever answer I may receive.

I still do not understand how I could have received such a strong positive answer about him at the very moment that he is off having some drinks in a bar.

Before I even knew this and I only knew that he was missing, I was ready to write him off and I got back online looking for some one else to go out with.

When I finally spoke to him on Tuesday, he was so very sorry and appologetic, that I had compassion on him and decided to forgive him. He gained a new sense of commitment and wanted to become engaged. I began looking for green diamond rings on ebay, and I had one ordered by the time he got back.

A Milestone in Potty Training

September 12: So, Guy got his candy bar Saturday night. He was also dry on Friday and Saturday! That makes three days of having dry pants! Which was part of another bargain that we made about a month ago. I promised him this book that he wanted if he could have three dry days. I need to get that for him today. I think he may actually be trained! He even goes in public rest rooms, too. I think [Frankenstein] has helped him with this a lot. He even went potty two times with Grandpa at the store on Saturday. It is such a miracle and a blessing!

Summary

The following entries summarize the last few months of my life. The portion in blue was extracted from emails that were exchanged with the morning receptionist that I fill in for in the afternoon.

I'm back

I'm back to blogging. I haven't written any new entries for a few months. Mostly since I started dating Frankenstein. I think part of the reason was because I was able to share my feeling with him and didn't feel the need to express them on here. Another reason was because there were some feelings that I did not want to share with him, and I knew that he read my blogs, so I have been keeping them locked up inside. I thought about starting a new blog, but it just seemed disconnected. Now I am ready to get them out and let them go.

A Second Visit With X

I allowed X to visit with Guy for a second time. Frankenstein was interested in coming with me this time. I think partly out of curiosity and out of a desire to protect me. He is sure that my X wants to get back together with me. I think he has some regrets, but I don't think his intention is to win me over.

We met at the same place. X wore the same thing as he did on the first visit. It was a few days before Guy's birthday so, X brought Guy a birthday party in a bag. Inside the huge Spongebob gift bag was a Spongebob Poster, a package of Spongebob underwear, a yard of Spongebob material, a Spiderman folding chair, cupcakes with Spongebob rings on top and grape bottle shaped drinks.

When their novelty wore off, X went with Guy to play on the playground while Frankenstein and I looked on. Guy was feeling bashful around X. He came back over to us and wanted to play with Frankenstein. X gave Guy a couple more chances to warm up to him, but Guy made it obvious who he prefered. X left after watching on for a few minutes.

I felt badly for X and I tried to encourage Guy to play with him because he wants to be his friend. It was an awkward situation for all of us. We enjoyed our time at the park anyway, after he left.

X wants to see Guy again, but he won't come if he know's that Frankenstein is going to be there. He has not given me any money so far. Granted he gave Guy some birthday gifts, should that count for something?

I am inclined to give him one more chance to come up with some money before I put an end to the visits.

Three Down!

This month was Guy's birthday month. His birthday is August 13th, but we used it as an excuse to celebrate about 5 times. On the night of his actually birthday, we bought a carrot cake and lit the candles in the tent that Frankenstien pitched on the front lawn. We had so much fun singing and exagerating the Birthday song that Guy wanted us to sing it again.

We held off the big party until Grandma came to town. Grandmpa got back with Grandpa on a Friday night and the party was planned for Saturday afternoon. We had a truck load of boxes and furniture to unload and hid away on Saturday morning and still do a few preparations for the party. I could feel a cold coming on that morning and I strained my knee while carrying boxes up the stairs.

I made the final touches of the Sponge Bob Square Pants Cake, early that morning. I started making the cake on Friday morning. It took several steps. The cake was a yellow cake that I punched a few holes in then turned over in a pan and poured green jello over the cake. That set overnight. In the mean time I melted chocolate; white and milk chocolate/peanutbutter chips to make a light brown for his shorts. I poured the chocolate onto some foil on a flat surface to form a sheet. I cut out the pieces to make the eyes, teeth, shirt and shorts. Then I formed arms/hands by cutting licorice ropes and holding them with tooth picks. Then I dipped them in the white chocolate, let them set, then painted them with yellow food coloring. I did the same for the legs. I formed a piece of laughy taffy to make his toung and used colored piping to outline his features. It was one amazing cake.

We had some outside activities, such as jellyfishing. I found some toy fishing/bug nets and I inflated some water balloons with helium that I flung into the air as the kids gathered around to catch them in their nets.

For decor off of the balcony, I hung a fishing net and hung some other jellyfishes that I made from balloons and pink tights that I cut and sewed to fit over clear balloons with tenticles and spots and all.

Then we went inside for some home made Crabby Patties, hamburgers, hot dogs and fruit salad. Even the ice cubes were star shaped.

After that we went back outside for a sponge toss.

We came in again for cake and ice cream. When I brought out the cake, everyone OOoohed and Aaahhed. Between my brother and his wife I think they took about a roll of pictures of the cake before anyone could touch it. Everyone Ooohhed and Aaahhhed. The pictures that Aaron took with my dad's new digital camera ALL got accidentally erased. And I still haven't seen the one's that Kari took.

Mental Note: I need a digital camera, badly.

Finally Guy got to open his presents. Everyone gathered around and all eyes were on him when he blurts out, "I gotta go Pee!"

He was just starting to go on the toilet on a regular basis. He was doing good with going pee, but the poop was still ending up in his pants. I was so proud of him though, for not being embarrased to go when he needed to.

He got some really special and fun gifts from his friends, including some hand drawn cards from the girls behind us.

Happy 3rd Birthday, My Guy Smiley!

What's in a Dream?

I rarely remember my dreams, and when I do they don't seem to have much significance. I often wish I did. I think it's a great way to get in touch with our subconciences.

I recently dreamed that I was ripe in a pregnancy. Then I was in the delivery room and discovered that there were some complications. I was wisked away to the operating room. There was some question as to whether the baby would survive. I awoke before I found out the result.

I looked it up in a dream dictionary and it suggested that when a woman dreams she is pregnant, it indicates that there are either many changes or a major change going on in my life. It also indicated that it was of a creative nature. When in the dream the baby dies, it is a feeling of failure, as though nothing I try to do goes right.

That is just how I was feeling about my relationship with Frankenstien. It was shortly after my father laid down some rules that disallowed me to see Frankenstein. I was feeling as though nothing had changed, that this too would turn out just as all my other relathionships had where my parents forced me to break it off because they weren't good enough. That or teh boy broke it off with me because they came to the same conclusion on their own.

A day later my mother called me. I missed her call, but I called her back to see what she needed. She said she just wanted to check in with me because she had a dream where I called out to her saying, "MOM"! She felt that perhaps I was in a time of need but she has not been here for me.

I have never really been able to open up to my mother. I am careful about what kinds of issues I seek her advice on. In most cases, I know her opinion so I don't bother asking. I know she wishes we could be closer. She would like for me to be the sister she never had. I try to make sure she knows I love and appreciate her, but it requires some thought on my part.

Perhaps I need her and rely on her more than I realize

Frankenstein had a dream that tops the other two. He dreamed that we were in some other country in a high rise appartment. There was a garage sale across the street and I kept going over to get this and that.

Later we got dressed and went to our own wedding. I was in a white dress and he had a jacket on. There was a croud of people standing around us. The ceremony was brief. I said, "I do". Then when it came time for him to say, "I do".... the croud dispursed just before he spoke and he realized no one had heard him say, "I do".

He was offended that they left so quickly, so he said it a few times more in a louder voice. He gave up. Then he looked down at his feet and realized that he was wearing only boxer shorts. He had forgotten to put on his pants!

Do I Know You?

A few weeks ago, I took Guy up to this park to play in the water area they have. On my way there, I figured I would call Guy's Dad and see if he would be available for a visit with Guy, since we would be so near his house.

X was available for an hour or so and he came up to meet us. In the pictures I have seen of him online, he appeared as though he had a penciled in mustache, but after seeing him in person, I realized it is a tattoo! I never heard of such a thing as a tatto mustache. But there it was with his pink striped shirt and his purple polka dot tie and his black vest, two tone shoes and a brim hat. I wonder how many other looks he has experimented with since I have seen him. Last time he had the bridge in his nose pierced and he thought he was a Greaser. Today he reminds me of Lee of Lee Press on and the Nails.

We made light conversation about Guy and about what he has been up to while we followed Guy around the play area. He brought two children's books for Guy and one for me to read, entitled, "The Power of Now". It is one of several that he has asked that I read before he allows me to read his journal of the events following his memory loss. I skimmed through it to understand where he is coming from. It has some valid points. It even includes references to the Bible, as well as to Budism. However, I disagree with his philosophy about Jesus Christ. He only gives him credit for being a man who attained an expecially great level of spirituallity. I hope X isn't trying to convert me.

"Ground Patrol to Major Tom"

I am having that dreaded feeling that I get occasionally. It's as if I were lost and floating in space and I don't know which direction is up, therefore I don't know in which direction to go. If you have ever seen the movie Fire in the Sky, it's like the part when he awakens from the gel cocoon. Once he is out of the cocoon he finds himself in the center of a vast cylinder where the walls are lined with thousands of cocoons, as far as he can see in one direction. In the other direction he sees his own key chain that belonged to him. There is a light in the direction of the key chain and he floats towards it. Once he grasps it, he looks up and sees space suits. By their form, one can tell that obviously belong to aliens. He walks over for a closer look. After a moment an alien enters the room. He runs in the other direction and ducks into a tube-like pathway where he has to crawl through. He is struggling to get away from the aliens and they are faster and skinnier and stronger than him. As he is crawling he bumps a pair of child size glazzes and they begin to float in front of him. The aliens grab his legs and pull him back out of the tunnel. At this point he starts crying out. There are several of them now and they take him back to the room where the space suits were. An examination table comes up from the floor. They hold him down while some sheets of shrink plastic come from above. Then steam shot down from the ceiling and the plastic clung tightly to his body, including his face, and over the sides of the table. They cut a hole over his mouth and nose, then they stuff his mouth with this brown gel to keep him from yelling. Then they proceed to do an examination on him, poking and prodding...etc.

When I feel as if I am floating, I almost wish some aliens would start chasing me because at least then I would know which direction I don't want to go. I would have a goal...to get away from the aliens. As it is, I feel lost and I don't know which way to run. I suppose it's a similar instinct that keeps people in an abusive relationship. Because it is familiar to them. I am in no way suggesting that I am in an abusive relationship, but the thought ust occured to me.

I do feel like I am stuck in a rut, though. I need to find a way to break it and I'm not sure what the change is that I need to make. As I have mentioned, in my High School Nightmare entry, I have a habbit of being attracted to/dating guys that are a bit rebelious in nature. I think I am attracted to the excitement and adventure. I don't like to do things the way others do and we can relate to eachother in that regard. Frankenstein is what you might call a reformed bad boy. He has done it his own way all his life, but he has made some changes in his life and wants to do it The Lord's way now. This has built character in him. He has had everything and he has had nothing. He appreciates even the simplest things in life. He is fun loving and happy, yet he has a sence of reality where he does not play games. Instead, he is open and honest with me and those around him. He says just what is on his mind, instead of hinting or sulking to get attention.

He has brought a breath of fresh air to my life. He supports me in everything I do. He helps with caring for my son. I know Guy loves him, too. He loves to go things for me and give me things. He is always complimentary towards me. He is also extreemely understanding of the importance of my relationship with my parents. Although he has been hurt by some of the things my father has said, he understands that they are trying to protect me. Besides that, they have an investment in my success in life.

We still talk about and hope to be married some day, but we realize that it is still very early in our relationship. In an effort to avoid wasting time in a relationship that may not work out, I tend to hope for an answer to a prayer at the beginning to know if it is right. This would also ease the heartbreak if I broke it off soon rather than late.

A few days after we met, I fasted to know if I should continue dating Fankenstein. I received a confirmation that, yes it's ok for me to be dating him. I sorta told God that I will need him to continue to assure me, because I want to be sure, and I am not confident in myself. ( I need to have more faith and confidence in God) A week later, I was filled with The Spirit as the thought came to me the night Guy caught his first fish, "You caught your fish."

(As I was typing this, The Spirit was telling me that I need to have more faith and rely on the answers that he has already given me.)

I held to that up until the time my dad forbade me to take the car to see him and suggested that I break it off with him. Then the thought came to me that I should break it off with him until he gets a car. Which would have made my parents happy and it would keep me from having to lie to my father when I meet Frankenstein in Salt Lake. I did not feel The Spirit at the time. I don't know if it's because it's not what I wanted to hear or if it was simply a thought in my head.

This morning, I got out of bed with a feeling that I needed to get on my knees because there was somthing important that I needed to hear. I told The Lord that I am listening and I want to hear what it is that he needs to tell me. I cleared my mind of all my thoughts for a minute. Then the sentence, "(Frankenstein) is not for you." came into my head, but The Spirit did not come with it. I tried to clear my mind again and it came again, "(Frankenstein) is not for you."...then several times more I heard it, but it was not comforting.

So, I asked, "Well, then what?.." The next thought was that I should get back together with my exhusband. I know that can't be right! Perhaps he is casting some Voo Doo spell on me to try to get me to get back together with him.

Living My High School Nightmare...Again..

My High School memories are filled with thrift store shopping and sneaking out of the house to see my boyfriend.

It was a dreadful time for me that I have been so releived to have over with. I hated the restrictions that my parents put on me in an attempt to keep me safe. It began from the time that I started dating, which was shortly before my 16th birthday. I was asked to go to the Homecoming dance of a guy I had met at a church dance. He went to another school than I did, but our dances were on the same weekend and I assumed that his was on Saturday, as mine was. You can imagine my surprise when he showed up at my house to pick my up on Friday evening!
But, that's another story....

It was a friend of his that I started going steady with. His name was Cosmos. That was really his name. My parents were out of town one weekend and I was invited to go to a movie with him, but I was not of the dating age of 16. My parents made an exception and allowed me to attend the dance with his friend, but I knew they would not approve of my going out with Cosmos. If for no other reason, than the fact that he was of African American descent.

Since then, they began to put restrictions on me, and curfues, spying on me, listening to phone conversations, and reading my journals. This did not change my behavior, it merely improved my ability to lie to them. They eventually forbade me to see him.

Our relationship eventually ended after countles lectures and a few counselling sessions, I broke it off with Cosmos. It was not hard because I found a new boyfriend. Another one whom my parents did not approve of. He was white, but he was not active in the church. His father had been excommunicated and his step mother was an editor for an Anti-Mormon magazine in Salt Lake. We continued to see each other for a few years off and on. I broke it off with him at least 5 times at the request of my parents. He finally got tired of me breaking it off with him, and found another girlfriend.

I suppose my parents might have taken similar action when I was dating my ex-husband, but I was living in Provo while we met and dated. They didn't meet him until we announced our engagement while we came out to visit them for a few days. I suspect they would have liked to, once they got to know him more.

Here I am single again and pushing 30, and living with my parents once more. I still don't own my own car, and they are still kind enough to provide one for me. I was paying on it when I was able to afford it, but not presently. In fact I am not even driving the car that is designated for me. I traded with my mother, temporarily when I moved out here because mine was not ready to go in time.

When my mother found out that I have been using her car to drive to my boyfriend's house, (which is 40 min away) every few days, she was not happy about it. After coming home late one night from Frankenstein's house I didn't knock on my dad's door to let him know I was home, so he was up all night worrying about me.

The next day he began to drill me about Frankenstien. I know my dad likes him as a person, but apparently he doesn't quite meet his expectations in order to date his daughter. I was annoyed after a few mintues and walked out of the conversation. He then typed out a full paged letter with explicit restrictions on my use of the car. In essence, I cannot use the car to see Frankenstein. He must come to my house with a car to pick me up, (well he doesn't have a car right now either).

This extended to any other guy I might go on a date with. He said he would watch Guy for me only if I am going on a date with a man who is temple worthy, has a car and has had a steady job for at least 6 months. (My dad has not had a steady job in the last two years.)

It is this kind of restriction that has caused me to shut off the communication with my parents. I have learned to lie, and hide what I am doing to avoid their scorn. I thought things had changed between us, but I suppose that was only while I wasn't dating.

I use Guy as an excuse, but I really need to start earning enough money to support myself and Guy, so I can be independant and have some self respect.

The Inexperienced Experts

Guy has recently started throwing some nasty fits, including kicking and screaming and hitting and biting. I have had to haul him up to his room to remove him from the situation. It's a good thing I am so tough or I may not have been able to handle him without being hurt by him. I was letting him work it out by himself in his room. He would throw things at the door, or hit it and he would yell and scream, "MOMMY GET BACK HERE!", "OPEN DOOR!"

I was leaving him in there until he could calm himself down, but what I am realizing is that he usually needs some help to calm down when he is that upset. Now when I have to put him in his room, I only leave him for a minute or less and when I open the door he comes to me with open arms, asking me for a hug and ready with an apology.

Before I realized this, we were concerned with how to deal with these outbursts. My dad was unnerved by it and wondered how it would be if he were a teen ager and could not control his temper.

My brother opened up and in an effort to help us said that if we are interested in seeking their advice they would be glad to help us.

*Let it be known that my brother and his wife do not have any children.*
*Let it also be know that until this point, they had also never watched Guy for me for even an hour.*

My dad relayed to me from a conversation that he had with my brother when he said that they are not exactly Virgins when it comes to raising children.........???????

Are they stashing some kids in their closet downstairs? How can you be experienced in something you have never fully experienced? They consider the one and one half years that they were the Ward Nursery leaders as child rearing experience???!!

Granted it can be a challenging calling and it does take some knowledge in child behavior, but it is very different from being a parent. Children often act differently with other adults that they do with their own parents, usually better. The Nursery leaders give me nothing but praise for how well behaved Guy is in their class. For example she recently shared with me how one of the girls in the class was sick and Guy thought on his own to bring her a blanket and a stuffed animal to comfort her.

My brother had a birthday and the custom is for them to have dinner with her family at their house. They choose to have the birthday dinner at our house this time. We greeted them outside, as Guy had been playing out front. Instead of the usual enthusiastic, "Hi big Guy, how are you? Give me five!" When I introduced them they had this strange cold look on their face. I know now what they were thinking... ("Ah, so this is the problem child and his poor, naive mother.")

After the blowing out of the candles on the cake, my sister-in-law's mother invites my dad to tell us what kind of a child Aaron was. My dad was proud to say that he was as straight as an arrow and wanted nothing more than to please his parents and to be a missionary, which is the truth.

Then she began to tell about what a problem child her daughter was.....and then one day.....she went to this class at Education week at BYU....and her problems were solved by this Behavioral Psychologist. All she had to do was impliment his simple techniques and voila! Model children!

She went on for an hour telling us her story to her captive audience, as we were eating birthday cake. I made some comment and she asked, "Do you have a Kari, too?" I wish I had said, "No, I have a Guy Smiley".

Guy's issues are different than those that Kari had and I will find a way to correct his behavior in a way different than the system she implied.

I have already been doing mostly what this philosophy discussed, but I can't see that I should have to give my child a toy reward every time he does something good. Praise and self gratification should be sufficient. Otherwise I am teaching him that he should expect something from me every time he does anything good.

This is week old news and Kari volunteered to watch Guy for me, for the first time last night so that I could attend this "Sock-baring-forbidden, Sock Hop" at BYU. In which they all seemed to have high hopes for me to meet "the man of my dreams" at.

Dating Shmmating

Frankenstein has been encouraging me to continue to date other guys. There are honestly, no others that I am interested in, especially when compared to him.

When I got a call from the guy that I met in the park several weeks ago, that I was supposed to go to his house for a BBQ, but Guy got sick, then I found him online later that day, then stood me up when we were supposed to go for a walk one Sunday....you know, that guy that I haven't given a name. He called me to let me know that he and his daughter would be at the park for a few hours that evening and invited Guy and I to come out with them. So, I met up with him for about half an hour.

The next week I met up with someone new from online. We met at the Purple Turtle, this odd looking purple hamburger joint in town. His picture didn't show enough detail for me to see that he really wasn't all that attractive. He seemed pretty dull and boring. He told me about two occasions where he had been to the temple on a date, the second time with two women. He said how he thought it irreverent how she kept leaning over in her seat to flash a smile at him. The poor girl probably thought she was going to have a ring on her finger by the time the night was over.

3.2.1. Contact

I never did call my ex-sister in law to try to find my ex. Instead, he found me. I got a message from him through one of the friend network sites that I belong to. He says he has been praying to find me, too. I guess he lost my phone number..?

I had arrangements to meet up with him a couple weeks ago, and I decided to bring Frankenstein along with me, which made me an hour late for our appointment and I missed him by a few minutes.

He has contacted me to meet up again. His intention is to become a part of Guy's life again and mine is to get information from him regarding his memory loss for the purpose of writing a book about it. I informed him yesterday that I have not yet made a decision regarding whether or not I am going to permit him to have visitation rights with Guy, considering that the only contribution that he has made for him where the shirts that he sent at Christmas time. Besides that I have not received one cent from him. I asked him to tell me what he would like and I told him I would consider it in making my decision.

I think my email was a bit of a reality check for him. He said he needs some time to think about it or, "..to be with his feelings for a while". He is such a different person, including his manner of speech.

I said that I don't give a damn about him, but the truth is I do care, I just try to protect myself from being hurt again.

Trixs Are For Frankenstein

I was on my way to go dancing last Friday, when I realized I didn't have enough cash on my to get in. I could have stopped somewhere and got some cash back, but I had another idea that beat that one all to pieces. At some point before I should have turned off to go dancing, I decided to keep on going through to Park City and surprise Frankenstein. I was supposed to call him around 10pm and I told him that I was on my way to go dancing, when in actuallity I was in Park City searching him for clues as to where exactly he was, in town.

At some point in the conversation, he asked me again where I was and I confessed that I was in Park City. He was in disbelief. He told me that he was just thinking to himself, "Gee, she's a really nice girl, but I wish she would play a trick on me."

So, he says to me, "You are MY girl!"

Catch and Release

From the first time Frankenstein met me, he wanted to cut my hair. He told me that I am hiding behind my hair. He made it sound so exciting to, by the way he was using his hands and telling me how he will "sculpt it", "shape it" and especially when he said he is going to "release me!" I was sold. I let him have his way with my hair the day after we met.

What I didn't realize was, that sculpting, shaping and releasing interpreted as cutting off 5 inches! If you have read my entry entitled, "A Different Kind of Catch", you will know that I am not a stranger to short hair, but for the first time in my life, I was actually enjoying my hair being long. When I looked in the mirror after he cut my hair, I had to hold back the tears. I looked like Orphin Annie. I put on a happy face, but I did not pretend to like it. One thing I have learned about hair is that it always grows back.


Grandpa took Guy out fishing last week for the first time and Guy caught a fish! It was pretty exciting for him. He had a good time and he was fascinated by the fish that he caught. He kept looking and it and he showed it to anyone who happened to pass by. When we got home he showed it off to Uncle Aaron and his friends next door.

I hopped in the shower to get ready to go dancing and as I was getting out, a thought hit me. Guy has caught his "Big Foosh" and I caught mine!

Working Mother

As of Monday I will be a working woman again. I was called back for a second interview on Tuesday for a part time job in Orem as a recepionist. My plan is to take Guy to Daycare in the morning while I study, then I will go to work in the afternoon.

Called to Serve

I was called a couple weeks ago to be a sunday school teacher, but my records haven't even arived yet, for some reason. I was called to teach the 7 year olds. I have taught in primary before. I used to teach the Sunbeams. There were about 10 kids in the class and most of them were active. It was a challenge to simply get the message across. I wish I could have been more creative in keeping their attention by getting them involved.

I remember one Mother's Day when I was able to attend Sunday School and Relief Society for a change. I was so overcome by the Spirit that I started to cry. I was sitting next to some friends of mine and they asked me what was wrong. "I can feel the Spirit!" I sobbed.

Last week was my first time teaching the class. The lesson was on Missionary work. I would like to put in a little more preparation time into the lessons next time, but it was a good chance for me to get to know the kids better. I brought a piggy bank for each of them to start a mission fund with.

"Mommy, You Find My Daddy"

For a couple years now, I have been praying to find a father for Guy. I even stopped praying for a little while, because I figured Got knew what I was going to say and he must be tired of hearing me ask. Occasionally I mention it when I say a bedtime prayer with Guy.

The morning after the July 4th, Guy woke up and after telling me good morning and giving me a hug, he said, "Mommy, you find my Daddy." Then he repeated it, "Mommy, you find mine own Daddy." Then he started asking where his Daddy was, and went out the bedroom door to look for him.

Frankenstein was with me when I tucked Guy in bed, the night before and he expected him to still be there. Guy was telling me that I have found his Daddy.

To Stop a Runaway Train

I was browsing the profiles online and I read one that started out about how he would like to find a woman with a child that he could take care of, I was impressed from the beginning. Not only was I impressed by his kind heart, but by his huge muscles, brown skin and bleached blonde hair, his sense of humor, his positive attitude and his fashion and flair.

I will refer to him as Frankenstien, per his request. I sent him an email asking about what foreign films he has seen because I noticed he said that was the type of movies he prefers. We emailed each other a few times. I was unsure at how interested he was in me because he took so long to get back to me sometimes. I took a chance and invited him to come to a ska show that I was dedicated to see. He called me on the phone and we talked for a good while. I found him amusing and refreshingly light hearted. He appreciated how honest and real I seemed.

He was not positive that he would be able to make it to the concert, but he seemed sincerely interested in making it if he could. I was prepared to go alone anyway, so it didn't bother me. I sent my son over to a neighbor's house for the evening, even though my friend and her daughter were staying here at the time, I could tell she did not want to be burdened with the task. My dad was not here to watch him either because he and my brother and his wife went camping from Thursday night through Monday afternoon.

I went to see the Slackers in downtown SLC, and it was a delightful show. The opening band was pretty lame and everyone was anxious for them to be done, but the Slackers made up for it. I found a spot in the rear of all the dancers and danced the night away. Occasionally I would look out in the crowd behind me to see if Frankenstein had arrived, but the show ended and I never saw him.

I checked my phone and found out that he was waiting for me outside. He told me later that he had been waiting for an hour for me. He even left a couple times, but came back. We think it may have been love at first sight. There were sparks flying around in the car, some one was sure to get kissed.

I had to get back home to get my son from the neighbor's house, so I invited him to come to my house where we could get to know each other better. He followed me home and he stayed for several hours. We talked and giggled and cuddled and kissed. He even tried to talk me into eloping to Las Vegas at that very moment.

I honestly wish I still had the courage to do such a spontanious act, but I promised myself that I would take my time before I committed to marriage again, especially since my first marriage happened so very quickly, then turned out so very rotten.

The Visitors

I haven't been able to write much because I have been entertaining company. An old friend of mine and her daughter have been staying with us. She is about 5 minths along in her second pregnancy and she hoped that she could come and visit to have her spirits lifted while her daughter got to make friends with my son.

It has been less than a piece of cake having her daughter around. She has refused to get along with Guy, although he has been most generous and friendly towards her. He has been sharing his toys, like he always does, but she becomes posessive over his toys and tries to take them from him. She picks fights with him, and I bust Guy for pushing or hitting her back, but her mom lets her get away with minimal punishment, so Guy feels picked on. She will even Screech at the top of her lungs if he even comes close to her, if even just to pass her by. The advice I gave Guy was to just turn around and walk away if she comes after him. Of course that is hard to remember in the heat of the moment, but he has done exceptionally well.

I have tried to work it out to take turns playing referee with them, but my friend's daughter would rather follow her mother, so she has not had a break because she is being so demanding. Her daughter has had diarea the whole trip, and no change of diet has made any difference. I suggested that she might be teething. Well, last night my friend found two new mollars in her daughter's mouth. This was probably the cause of some of her crankiness.

Guy has had enough of her and he started saying that he doesn't like her. Last night as I was putting him to bed he told me, "Mommy, me crying." (which he wasn't litterally, but he was sad). I asked him why he was so sad. "Me no like two girls." he said. It made my heart ache that he would feel that way, because I could tell that his feelings were hurt. I assured him that I still love him and that we only have to put up with them for two more days.

I regret that my friend has not been able to have a more enjoyable stay with us, which it would have been, minus her daughter. I have been doing all the dishes, at least a full load every day, I gave up my room to them, (last night I slept on the couch downstairs), I have been paying for groceries and gas and a few costs for all the activities that we have been doing, I even bought a couple toys for each of the kids. I just want her to know that I care about her and I want to ease her burden a bit.

Sorry to keep you waiting...Life has been happening

I am working on getting some entries posted, I just haven't had a moment to sit down and write them, and they are all building up in my mind. I am anxious to put them down.

I'll give you a glimps of what has happend so far...

I got a new calling at church.
I got a job.
I have been entertaining company.
I went to a terrific Ska concert.
I got a hair cut.
I met Mr. Wonderful.
...and I found out I am pregnant.




OK, just kidding about the last one! But Dang! How does all this happen at once?

A Second Proposal

I have been storing up some thoughts and events to share, but I am having a hard time remembering now what they were. Once again I have been invited to take a road trip to Vegas to get married! He asked me only just a few hours ago. This time, it was a little more tempting than the last offer, but the length of time that we have known eachother was even shorter. We have only emailed eachother a couple times, talked on the phone for the first time last night and met in person for the first time tonight.

I will tell more later. I am too tired now.

Another Lead

Knowing that I would be in Heber City, which is a somewhat short distance from Coalville, which is the last place I knew (I am just going to call my ex-husband X. I think I gave him a new name at one point, but I have forgotten it by now), X's sister and mother were living. I have never been to their house before and the only address I had was a PO box. I only had a few clues to go by so I figured I might have to ask around. It is a small, quaint town and I figured there must be someone who knows them. I started with the General (yes, I said General) Store. I bought a couple candy bars and asked the woman at the register if she knows of (X's sister or mother and where they live). One of the names was familiar to her, but she couldn't think who they were. They gave me a phone book to look them up, but neither of their names were listed.

There was another gentleman there who claimed to know everyone in town. I tried to fill them in with more clues. It turned out, he does know everyone in town. Their house was only a few feet away, just around the corner from the store. Guy and I walked there, but no one was home. We sat on the swing on their porch while we ate our candybars and waited and hoped that they might come home.

We left after a little bit. Guy did not want to go, then he made a scene at another store along the way to the car. After we were in the car and on our way out of town, he requested some water. I was thirsty too and I wanted to get some in town, but I wasn't about to take him in the store with the way he was acting at that moment. So we drove to the next exit but I didn't feel much like going into the Roadhouse Cafe for some water. I decided to turn around and go back to Coalville for some water and to see again if anyone was home and maybe even wait a while.

I got some water at a gas station, then pulled up at their house again. I was in luck, X's Niece was home. She did not recognize me, but she knew when I told her my name. She let me in and gave me her mother's cell phone #. I asked about her grandmother and she said she moved to Idaho and she has not talked to her since she moved. I even asked her if she has heard from X recently. She doesn't know anything about him since he had his memory loss.

I was glad to have X's sister's number. I will be giving her a call and finding out what she might know. Then I will get her mother's # from her so I can bug her too.

A Nice Day for a ...Car Show Wedding?

I took Guy with me to meet up with another guy today. We met up at a car show in Heber City. He enjoys classic cars and he has been doing upholstery restoration for years. He used to own a Corviar, so that is what I will name him.

He gave me a small boquet of dasies and other wild flowers that he picked for me and he gave Guy two little box cars. It has been so long since I have received flowers from a man (besides my father). He looked better in person than in his picture. I think that is the norm. Some of the pictures people put up are so distant, that you can barely see their face, or the lighting is bad, etc. so it is hard to determine how a person will actually look in person.

The first place Guy wanted to go was to the playground. We hung out there for a while and he went down the slide about a dozen times and even dragged myself and Corviar along with him a couple times. Guy wanted to participate in the hoola hoop contest and he won a coin that he could turn in at A&W for a free drink. The lady that gave it to him said, "Have your daddy take you to A&W to get a soda, ok?"

I even gave the ole' hula hoop a try. I cannot keep that thing up like I used to. When I was younger, I was always the last one still twirling. I blame it on the pregnancy, as I do many other things. Anyway it was fun. We looked around some more at the cars. We sat down to enjoy a cold drink and we hear the announcer behind us say, "If I could have your attention please, We are going to have a wedding."

Then they proceeded to play, "Here Comes the Bride" as the groom stepped up onto this platform with a corny arch dangling with a few silk plants. Then came a group of brides maids, followed by the bride. Talk about an original location for a wedding.... 'Surprise everyone! You thought you came to a car show, but now you are all guests for my wedding!...I'm so glad you could come.'

Corviar and Guy and I took off shortly after the ceremony started and got some pizza. As soon as we got seated, it started pouring down rain, as it has done the last few days, as it did in Idaho...clear skies all morning and noon, then at about 4 everyday a rain storm would start. I even saw a double rainbow one afternoon in Idaho, when we were there for a family reunion.

Those poor people getting married must have all been drenched.

Corvair was pretty friendly. He even called me tonight and left me a message thanking for the good time he had with me and that he would like to get together again to get to know me better.

I like when the date makes a follow up call to say that they had a good time. I think it is good manners and it confirms that they really did have a good time, they weren't just saying that to save face, or something. Not that I have suspected anyone of doing that, but it's just nice. My point is I like it.

What I do not like is when I try to break it off with someone and they continue to call me anyway...ie: Chino. He called me 5 times on Friday. I missed 3 out of the five and ignored the other two. He still wants me to come with him to his niece's big birthday bash. I left him a message telling him that I don't make a habit of dating married men and I didn't appreciate the way he didn't respect me.

He called me again today. I finally answered after the second call. He explained that I must have misunderstood about the divorce. He told me that it has been final for six months, not that they are six months in the process of... so I apologized for that, but I told him that I still don't want to see him again. He asked me why and told me that if there is something wrong I just need to tell him. So that there was no misunderstanding...I said, "I did tell you and I will tell you again...You were trying to undress me and I didn't appreciate it." I hear him say, "oh.." then the connection is lost.

He called later, which I did not answer, to tell me that his battery died on his phone.

Chino, if you can hear me...I DO NOT WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU ANYMORE!

More Than Words

I went out again last night with, the same guy I went Mexican Dancing with. I think I'll name him Chino. We were originally going to go to the lake with Guy, but the weather turned bad, so we went do dinner, just us two. And where did we go, but to an Oriental Buffett.

I had been there before, too with my ex-husband and his mother. Guy was with us then and he had his first taste of solid food. My mother in law was getting a kick out of feeding him tapioca pudding.

Chino ate 8 muscles from the buffett!..among other things. I'm not suggesting that he at too much food, but that seemed like a lot of empty shells on his plate. Is that normal? I kind of suspect not. Isn't it said that they enhance one's sex drive?....Great, as if he needs it.

I began prying to find out more about what happened with his marriage. I asked him how long he has been divorced and he explains that it is six months into the divorce, ie: he is still legally married. Then I ask him why it didn't work out between them. He goes on about how when there is no love, any problem is a big problem. I then asked if he is saying he didn't love her. He proceeded to tell me how when he got off of his mission, his goal was to get married, so he made a list of possible girls that he knew and selected from them. He regrets his decision and he said that he feels like his heart still belonged to some other girl who wasn't a member.

Twelve years they were married. I asked him if he didn't grow to love his wife. He claims that he felt an obligation for her and his children, but that it wasn't enough.

I was not impressed. That obligation is what should have kept him married to his wife. He failed to mention that his divorce is not yet final. That is an issue with me. I did not even go on any dates before I got those papers back from the judge, even if my ex was going around shackin up with other women.

I didn't want to let it ruin the evening, so I moved on to something else. I suggested we go to a movie after dinner. He mentioned that the CD that he coppied for me about ebay sales was back at his place. So he wanted to give that to me and we could watch a movie there.

He just purchased The Passion, which I had not seen, so we watched that. Let me just say, that it is not a good make out movie. He was putting the moves on me the whole time. It was easy for me to resist him, especially with that movie on. I had to let him know a few times what my boundaries were, but he kept coming back and trying again.

I noticed that he wasn't wearing garments. I aske him why. He skirted around the issue, and said he would tell me later. I began to be suspicious about what else he wasn't telling me. I started questioning him. I asked him if he had an affiar, or if he has been intimate with other women since he and his wife split up. He dodged them like a cannon ball.

I got up and told him I needed to go. He wanted to talk it over, and I told him I feel like there is something he is not telling me and he is not respecting me. He figured he was different than other guys because he wants to work on having a serious relationship with me. I told it wouldn't matter if he got down on his knee and put a ring on my finger, the limits would still apply. I think he finally got it.

I finally left, and I will not be seeing him again. I felt misunderstood and annoyed. I was wishing I could see Raymond to cry on his shoulder or something. I messaged him to find out if he was free. Before he reponded, I had already made up my mind that I would not see him. He said he had just been on a date, but it was over now. I told him, me too! I explained that I was in SL and that I thought about stopping by, but I changed my mind. He said, "Damn, if I was in SL, I would say yes, but I am in Ogden."

It was enough to know that he would have invited me. Why is it that I can't get him out of my mind? I think about him when I am out with other guys. I love that he respects me and is sensitive to my feelings. I don't even have to say anything and he will sense that something is wrong.

My Dad's the Greatest Dad

I just want to say how much I love my Dad. I couldn't ask for a better one. He is such a support for me. My mother too, which hasn't always been the case. But my dad has always been at my defense.

I got up and made him some hash-browns and an omelet for breakfast, on Sunday. I have made omelets a million times and I have never burnt them, well this morning I burnt it. I was fussing so much over the hash-browns that I didn't turn it in time. One of these days I will discover the secret to making hash-browns like they to at IHOP, or Denny's or The Waffle House, etc. Grr. My dad still ate them and pretended that they were delicious.

Church starts at just the same time that Guy would normally be taking his nap. We were in the back of the chapel on the fold out chairs and Guy wanted to lay down. We laid him across my dad's lap and mine so he could sleep. We were still sitting there after Sacrament meeting when the Bishop walked by with a young man and they both waved at me. I did not know who the young man was.

My brother told me a few times that the Bishop knew of a single young man in the ward. Apparently the Bishop has a reputation for being a matchmaker. One of the ladies in the Relief Society shared her story with me how the Bishop strategically called her as the Single Adult Ward Rep, hoping that she would meet this particular man. When that didn't work he called them to work together on some Youth activity Planning Committee. His plotting was successful and they eventually married.

The ward is full of families and young children. There was a Young Woman advancing into the YW program the first Sunday here and the Bishop recounted that she was the 24th girl to advance into YW, Year to date! 24 in 6 months! There are two nurseries and one packed primary.

Young families mean young parents. I have been a little curious to know who this single guy in the ward was, but I did not want to mistake him for one of the married men.

Last night I get an email through one of the online services. This single guy from my ward happens have a membership to the same online service. He said he was just looking around and he saw my profile and recognized me as the girl he waved to at church that same day. I recognized him, too as the one who waved at me at church. So now we are exchanging emails.

That Bishop is pretty sly!

I think this started out having to do with my Dad. You know I always get side tracked by the boys...

After church we went for a drive to a lake, where we went for a small hike around it. They informed us that there was a washout a few miles ahead, so the road was closed off at one point. The water in the lake was higher than normal and we saw picnickers next to the riverbank, where there were sand bags keeping the water back. I'll see if I can get the picture from my brother that he took with his phone and post it for you.

My brother had the idea to have a barbeque for my dad. He bought some special bacon wrapped sirloin steaks to cook. My dad has been craving a tender, juicy steak for a few months now and it still had not been satisfied. These turned out perfectly. I even enjoyed it!...and I am not a lover of steak.

Then we passed out cards and ate this modified version of a black forest cake that I made. I just added peaches with the cherries on bottom and sprinkled roasted coconut on top of the drizzled frosting over the chocolate cake. It was a hit.

I L O V E, love you, Dad!

To my readers...

Hi,

I have a basic service with a company called blogpatrol where I can see who has viewed my profile. Of course it doesn't tell me your names or anything of the sort, but I do know that I have some regular readers. I would like very much to receive some feedback on occasion from those that visit my site. I am also curious to know what keeps you coming back for more. Besides, I have shared so much about myself with you, I would really like to get to know something about you, too.

Please, I welcome your comments. Also, FYI I have added a link in the left column for Bloglines. They offer a free service of sending you an email each time your favorite blogs are updated. Let me know if it works.

I know my web page is basic. I do not take the time to make it all spiffy and personalized, etc. I am satisfied with this retro-disco-style polka dot template. There are a few things I would change, but I have choosen not to take the time to mess with it. In this case, it is about the meat, not the package. The rest of the time, it's the reverse. ;)

Happy Reading,
Trixie Granny

My new profile picture, taken in Maui

Defining-the-Relationship Queen

I am going to bring up Bachelor #2 again and I feel like I should give him a name this time, which will be simply; Washington. I wasn't sure how to approach the situation after he returned to Washington. I knew at this point I was not interested in him and I kinda wrote him off, but I hadn't confronted it with him.

He sent me a text message saying he was sorry. I didn't respond. Then he messaged me and asked me if I was ignoring him. Of course I told him, no. He said, "Good, because I can't stand that. If I don't want to talk to someone, I just say so."

So, I told him I was not ignoring him, but I did tell him how I felt about the way he behaved when he came over. I told him I didn't appreciate how he was so persistant with me. He apologized and told me that he had no intentions of hurting me. I said that I understand, but that I still feel the same way.

We remained friends and would chat from time to time. Since I was not online for several days because I was working on getting our home network setup, he called me just to say hello. The second time he called, I was on my way into a store. We talked for a minute and he said he would call me back because he wanted to talk to me. I asked him if he has something to tell me. "Maybe", he said.

When he called me back, he started telling me how much he likes me and how he feels like I am the perfect match for him. He had a feeling from the first time we spoke on the phone that he was falling for me. He said he feels like I am THE ONE and that he has never felt this way about anyone else before. Then of course he wanted to know what my feelings were for him. I told him I am not certain. I said it is hard for me to judge after only having spent a couple hours together.

Then he told me how he would like to offer to fly myself and Guy out to Washington to visit him. I told him I needed to think it over and get back to him tomorrow.

I already knew I couldn't accept his offer since I am not interested in having a serious relationship with him, so I had to think of a way to let him down easy. It came down to telling him, "The bells just aren't ringing for me." He seemed to understand. He choose not to keep in touch because it is hard to be faced with heartache everyday, which I understand.

The more dating I do, the more "Define-the-Relationship" talks I have to have. I am wondering if I should be more selective with whom I should go out with. Should I trust my first impression of them? If I am not interested from the beginning, can I assume that dating them is not going to change that?, so I should spare them the heartache?

No, I want to give them a chance to impress me in person. There are so many elements that get left out of the online experience. Then there is the question, Do I allow them to take me out a second time if I am still not interested? Would that be leading them on, or simply giving them a second chance?

I don't enjoy breaking hearts. I am not a man eater. Dating is simply a process of elimination. I have never had so many men to choose from before. Ever since I put up some new photos in my profile, I have been getting so many more responces. I think it's the new hair do. I have never felt so beautiful before. I think maturity has been good to me. I have always looked younger than my age, which I still do, but at least I don't look like I am still in High School. I wonder why I didn't perm my hair sooner...Hm, maybe it was because of my last experience with a perm...when I permed it only a few months after having dyed it black, then having two bleach processes done to correct it, and dying it brownish red. Hmm no wonder my hair, as someone said...looked like I stood too close to a fire. I cut it all off myself, about 1 1/2 inches short after that.

Back to dating...
I have been out with two active members so far. It was an ok experience. They both happened to be Mexican. I think I would enjoy getting to know Tim more, but his guy last night was not really my style. I'm not sure what I mean by that because he was nice enough, I guess I mean to say that the bells just weren't ringing.

Tropicana Trailer

When I lived in Provo with my cousin several years ago, I would go swing dancing at a place called the Tropicana. It was owned by some members of the church, and they did not serve alcohol. They used to have swing dancing in the larger room and salsa in the smaller room. After a while it was the reverse. Now they don't have swing dancing at all.

The Tropicana is where I met my ex-husband. Last night I returned to the Tropicana after five years. I went there on a date with someone I met online. I thought he was taking me salsa dancing, but it was Mexican. It really would not have made any difference, but it was a new experience for me.

We got there about 9:30 and the place was still a little bare, we danced anyway. By 10:30 the place was starting to fill in. There was a live band and a second one started up just before I left at midnight, to get the party started all over again. Once the place was filled with people, I looked around and realized that I was the only white person there.

It was strange to be there again. I reflected on the old swing dancing days. About 30 seconds into dancing with me, my date tells me, "Jew are a pretty good dancer. Where did you learn to dance so well?" Then after a little bit longer he says to me, "I love the way you move."

There was a small section of the wall that had a mirror on it. I could tell that he was strategically placing me so that he could watch my booty in the mirror. Then he would lean his head on mine and he would breath heavily into my ear. It was so loud, I half wondered if the people around me could hear him. I also got a kick out of how he would place my hand high on his chest, then on his hip and later just above his tushy, and finally on his wallet.

I am used to going dancing by myself, and I think I prefer it that way because then I am not stuck with dancing with the same guy the whole night. Not that there was anyone else I was interested in dancing with there that night, but I do like some variety. He did fine though and he would mix it up from time to time. I learned a few new dances, even.

He wants me to go with him to his niece's 15th birthday party, there is a name for it, I just can't seem to remember what it is called. It's like a coming out party. Anyone know what I am talking about?
Anyway, he says... you would fit right in at any Mexican party because you can do all the dances.

He walked me to my car and gave me a goodbye hug, then a goodbye kiss, but not in the manner of the French. I appreciated that, especially because we were in the parking lot and there were people passing by. He was pooring on the charm, telling me that I am perfect and how much he likes me. He asked me how many other guys I go out with from online and he wondered if I had the same impression on them too.

The first thing that came to mind was that I had essentially been proposed to the night before. I don't know if it's a good idea to be telling my dates about other guys that I have dated. They always seem to be curious, I suppose to know what their chances are with you. I suppose making myself seem wanted is a good approach to it, but some guys don't like competition, or do they? It's there at any rate. I suppose it's best just to be honest yet discrete about it all.

The Investigation Begins...

I had a date at Cafe Rio on Wednesday, with ...(Tim). He is 34, divorced and has four girls. He's good looking. I love his dark rimmed glasses. He is mostly Mexican, so he has nice, dark skin.

We sat outside at a table on the patio. The weather has been just perfect here, the last few days. We shared our divorce stories. I managed to tell mine from beginning to end. I guess I have developed a more condenced version that I can share all in one sitting. People are so overwhelmed by the story. I can laugh about it as I tell it. Some of it is pretty comical, really. Other parts are down right depressing.

I have been receiving some encouragement for me to continue with my project in writing a book about my ex's memory loss. I took a trip today up to Ogden to find his first ex. I knew where her mother lived, so I stopped by there. His ex was expected to show up later tonight, so I got her mom's number and called over there a little while later.

She has not heard anything from him since December, when he signed his rights to the kids over. I mentioned to her that I would like to speek to her regarding his memory loss, for the purpse of writing a book. She said she does not believe it, even after visiting with him after it happened.

I asked her if she would mind if I kept in touch with her. She said that she is hesitant to do that because she has already.."shut that door". She went on to tell me how her kids have a good life now with their new father and she does not want to disturb that.

I wondered why I didn't feel the same way about him. I wondered if I had not "closed the door" in my mind with him. I came to the conclusion that I have. The only reason I am interested in contacting him is for the purpose of writing a book. Otherwise, if he wants to disappear, I wouldn't give a dammm.

The Mystery Dancer

I failed to mention about going out swing dancing last Friday. There was a good crown out last week, compared to this week. I danced with every lead there last week at least once. There must have been about 15 leads. There are much more better dancers here. I met a few who claimed to be beginners, but they did very well. Most of them had had some kind of former dancing training, which always helps.

Towards the end of the dance last week, I remember meeting a guy, I will name him Vernon. There was something about him that was comfortably familiar. He is a fabulous dancer. He asked me to dance, the first chance he got, tonight. Later, he even worked in some blues moves. I don't know much about him, still. He looks to be about age 27. He would not tell me what he does for work...kind of odd. Maybe he is an exotic dancer/stripper. Hehe, I don't know, but I shall make it my duty to find out.

The Ice Cream Hunt

I went to the swing dance at the U of U again last night. There weren't a whole lot of people there. I was hoping to see Raymond, he said he might come. He wasn't there and I was getting bored. I asked several people to dance and the last person I asked was this guy from India. He has only been in Utah for 6 months. He doesn't have a whole lot of friends yet. We were talking and he mentioned that there are a couple movies that he would like to see. He asked me if I would like to join him. "Sure, Right now?" I asked. "Well, yeah, ok. It might be kind of late, but we can give it a try."

I followed him over to his place and we took his car to the theater. It was already 45 minutes into the last showing for the night. We decided to get some desert instead. There were only a couple bars open still at the mall where we were, so we drove up a street where he had seen an ice cream place before. There were about 6 different places like A&W, Baskin Robbins, and several other fast food places that sell ice cream. It was barely 11:00 when we pulled into the Baskin Robbins, just in time for them to be closing the doors. We were trying to spot a place that was still open. We must have gone back and forth on that block 4 times. Finally we parked and walked up the street only to dicover that they were all closed, unless we went through the Wendy's drive through. So we went to Smiths and bought some Dove ice cream bars. We brought them out into the parking lot and sat on the cement wall bordering the parking lot and talked while we ate our ice cream.

PB & J

Tonight, I was having a conversation with a new friend of mine about my Patriarchal Blessing. He asked me if my blessing said anything about a vocation. I realized that it does not. What it does say is: that if I support my husband in his earning a living for me and in his callings in the church, he will reciprocate and bless me and sustain me as a mother in Israel.

The next paragraph mentions that people will confide and trust in me and that I will go into action to assist them. It also mentions that I will have the opportunity to share my testimony with my family, those close by in the community and even those who may hear me in different nations.

I have tried to use my blessing as a guide as to how to live my life. I think I have subconsciously made decisions based upon its contents. In college I studied Fashion Design because it was interesting to me, not because it would land me a good paying job to support a family with. I never expected that I would ever be a single mother. I relied on the fact that my blessing told me that I would have a husband that would support me as a mother. I assumed that I would be able to stay at home with my children. I ponder the idea that I may have missed the boat on some of the blessings promised me, due to my unfaithfulness.

I think my desire to travel was also spawned from my blessing because it talks about sharing my testimony with people of other nations. I do enjoy traveling and I wish I could do more. There are more ways of sharing a testimony with people in other lands that don’t require my being there. Internet communication is one of them. Broadcasts are another way. Perhaps I will be a speaker or write a book….or maybe all this chatting online, with people throughout the World is actually making a difference in someone’s life...naw.

My First Night Out

My parents drove in and got here Wednesday evening. I made enchilladas for everyone for dinner. I even made fresh refried beens.

We did a lot of moving of stuff today. First we cleared out the garage and put the boxes into the basement. Then we had some help from the ward stop by this eveing and they helped us unload the truck. At first we were just bringing the boxes that go upstairs to the bedrooms into the house. When I got out of the shower, my room was filled with boxes, including on my bed.

I got ready and took off to go swing dancing. I sent a text message to Raymond to see if he was going. He hasn't returned my messages the last two times. The time before that was a few days ago. I had a terrible time finding the place and I wished I he or somebody was able to help me out. I happened to find a map of the campus in one of the buildings, so I found it eventually, and I even had an hour remaing to dance.

They held the dance outside on this cemented area and I didn't want to wear my suede dancing shoes on the cement, so I had to wear what I had on...some clogs with heels. So the backs were flopping all around, etc. I kept trying to explain, but it's hard to make a good first impression when one is wearing impossible shoes. For one dance, I even took them off.

I know I met one person from the forum and I saw a long lost friend that seems to be the only remaining dancer from when I was around. Even he is planning to move away soon. To Denver, for better swing dancing. I summed up my life over the last four years in one long, run on sentence.

Raymond was there and we danced a couple songs. When the dance should have ended and I ran out of people to ask to dance, I thought I might be able to chat with him again for a bit, but he was sitting, quite comforably with another girl, so I spoke to them briefly and skipped on out.

I think I was a bit jealous, but it was to be expected. Serves me right for allowing myself to have feeling for someone that is off limits.

We Made Some Pee...rogress Tonight!

I had to share the latest development with Guy and his potty training. It has been a challenge to simply get Guy to even sit on the potty. He has sat on it a couple times prior to taking a bath, since we have been here. I believe it was an attempt to escape the bath, but he did it all the same.

We have been reading his potty book about every other night before he goes to bed. He is so cute, because he will repeat out loud each line that I read. So, tonight for the first time in six months of struggle, he sat on the potty and even went pee!

OK, so I bribed him with a popsickle at 9:30 pm, but it worked and I am just tickled about it. He has done so much growing up since we have moved. Sometimes he still tells me that he wants to go home, though. I have to explain him that this is our new home. Then I remind him that his Granpa and Grandma will be here soon. He is looking forward to that. Perhaps it will feel more like home once Grandpa is around for a while.

I am looking forward to his arrival too. I will have my live-in babysitter back. I haven't had any luck so far in finding anyone to watch my son for me in the evenings. It would seem that all the young women in the ward actually have lives. If it's not dance or tumbling lessons it's piano recitals and family functions.

What would I ever do without my parents? The more I realize how lucky I am to have their support, the more I feel indebted to them. They are making such a great sacrifice to allow me a better opportunity to find a husband that will take me to the temple. I couldn't possibly let them down.

Naturally, I have to go and fall for the one who is not a member. I am trying hard not to get attached to Raymond. It's undeniable what he does to me. So far he is everything I could ask for....except being a member...and even that, he is close to, but not quite.

Anyway, this entry wasn't about him. I'm sure there will be more later.

Sour Harmony

I have expected that my ex would be contacting me with hopes of seeing our son, once I moved here. I have not heard from him for several months and the only number I had for him was his work number. I tried to reach him there last week because I had a plan to write a book about some of his bizarre experiences since we seperated.

When I called his work, they informed me that he has not been working there since January. I figured his ex-wife would know his whereabouts, so I tried calling her number. It was no longer in service, and the number I got from information was not her either. I tried a few other bogus numbers. I am at a bit of a loss and I'm not sure weather I should pursue it any further or not.

Perhaps I will share it the events in my blog. It really is a phenomenon, what happened to him. I was reminded of it today again because in my search for the office of a temporary employment agency, I wandered into this business complex and discovered that I was at a Hospice and Heathcare center. I realized as I was leaving that it had the same name as a program that my ex-husband participated in, several months after we seperated.

It was a bit of a trip for me to stumble across it. See, he became homeless shortly after I left him. I would have been too, if I had stuck around any longer. Our utilies were being shut off one by one and the rent was a couple months late, too.

His life hit bottom at the end of his journey away from the church and from me. Even to the point of sleeping on the streets and surviving by the generosity of strangers. He learned about this program and considered it a chance to make a real change in his life. He was even willing to give up his prize possession; the upright base that his father gave him.

We drove all the way to Oregon to pick up that doghouse base. He would have carried it on his back and walked home if he had to. He traded art work for lessons from a member of a local Psychobilly band.

After we seperated, I got a phone call from him inviting me to attend his graduation from this program he was involved with. He shared with me how he had made many positive changes in his life and he wanted to be able to celebrate it with every one he cared about. I think he had this vision of being able to heal all the years of pain that he caused with myself, his other ex-wife, their children and with his mother and sister in this one day. He even offered to pay my airfare, if I would only promise to be there on this special day for him.

I was somewhat interested in supporting him in the milestone in his life, but I didn't feel like it was appropriate for me to make such a commitment to him when I was still trying to find my own way again.

Just a few weeks before he intended to graduate from this program, he dropped out because he and one of the employees wanted to date each other and that was not permitted. So, he tossed it all away so that they could continue seeing each other. They even moved out together and that's where he was at the time of his memory loss.

This is where it gets interesting...I think I will end here this time and go into that later.