I am venting right now in order to deal with my disappointment about this week. Tonight there is an unofficial opening dance for the Utah Lindy Exchange. That's where Utah invites people from other states, at some exchanges people will even come from other countries to attend special dancing events for the weekend. At most, exchanges will have dancing from noon til 5 AM from Friday to Sunday evening.
Last year, I was planning to attend at least one of the dances with Frankenstein, it would have been a first. Instead, I spent the weekend in the hospital with my son who had Brochialitis and Pneumonia. So, this year I was determined not to miss it. I registered for the full event a few weeks ago and I even volunteered to host a few people from out of town. I have spent quite a bit of time preparing the house for company.
Monday, I took Guy in to see the Dr because he had a bark like cough. The Dr. determined that it was Bronchitis. He prescribed an antibiotic for him to help prevent it from turning to pneumonia. I was stressing out because it was the only day I had at work to finish and turn in the expense reports to payroll. I wasn't sure if he was contagious so I stayed at home with him in the day and took him to work with me for a few hours in the evening.
Tuesday morning I could tell he was not doing very well but I felt like I need to go to work for at least a couple of hours to finish the reports. I tried to see if the neighbor could watch him for a few hours, but she was on her way to volunteer at a school. He perked up long enough for me to get him to preshool. I called afer a couple of hours to see how he was doing and they say he is pretty slugish and that he is going down for a nap. They called when he woke up after 2 to tell me that he had a temperature of 102 or higher and that his face was swollen!
I took off to pick him up and made another Dr appointment on my way over because I was concerned about his face. His face was not as bad as I thought but I could tell he wasn't well. I just took him home and let him rest. I asked the neighbor to watch him for a couple of hours while I went to the laundromat. He stayed with her again on Wednesday while I went to work.
Today is Thursday. Guy woke up at 7 with a fever and when I laid down next to him I could hear crackling in his breathing like I hear when he has pneumonia. I gave him some medication and let him sleep. He woke up two hours later in a cold sweat. I called the Dr to ask to speak to him. I heard back from the nurse several hours later. The Dr wanted for him to get a chest X-ray. It took a lot of coaking and comforting and bribing to get Guy to the hospital. I promised him it wouldn't hurt and there would be no shots. I also told him that he could buy a toy with the money in his wallet that he found plus two more dollars laying around the house. He almost didn't get out of the car once we were there so I told him I would double what money he has, $5 if it hurts. He didn't give in easily but I finally got him out of the car.
I carried him at least a block to the hospital from the parking lot in the slushy, snow. He was calm as we got registered but when we headed down the hallway to the radiology department he wouldn't come. I carried him part way and then he got down and he would have run out the door if I wasn't pulling on his arm. Once in the waiting room I had to sit down and wrap my legs around him to keep him there. He tried biting my leg and hitting and grabing me. A nurse came to the window and offered him a couple of toys. He backed himself up into the corner at the opposite end of the room. She came in with a box of toys and let him pick a few out. She got him to follow her into the X-ray room where they gave him 5 stickers. I have never seen them shower him with toys and stickers like that before. He was hesitant to step up to the board so they pretended to take my picture and they let Guy touch the button that turns on the light. After that he was very cooperative. That nurse was amazing. I'm so glad she made it so much easier.
We brought the X-rays to the Dr's office. He said that it's on the verge of pneumonia and at most walking pneumonia. He wanted to speed up the process by giving him a shot of antibiotic. I promised Guy that he wouldn't be getting a shot so I asked Guy if he would be ok with a shot. Of course he said no. I asked if we could just continue on the oral antibiotics. He wrote another prescription for some more.
I understood that I was supposed to pick up my first guest at about 7 pm from the airport. I had arangements for Guy to stay with Frankenstein tonight but that was canceled because he isn't well. I asked my neighbor if she would be willing to watch him for the night so that I could attend the dance tonight and I would pick him up in the morning. She hesitated slightly but agreed.
Well, Guy didn't want to go to Allison's house. He wanted to go to Grandma and Grandpa's. I called my dad, knowing that I wouldn't have time to take him there and get back in time. I told him the story and was working up to asking him if they would watch him for the night and he beat me to it and said, "So, are you asking if we will watch Guy for you tonight?" Then he went on, "You know, you are Guy's mother and have soul responsibility over him. I don't think you should be asking someone else to watch him for you when he is on the verge of pneumonia. I realize you have probably been planning this for some time now and it would be fun and exciting and that but I feel like you should be staying home to take care of your son." I was silent. It pierced me to my core. "Of course, you know all of this already, I'm sure." he said. I still couldn't respond. Just then my mom was coming in and he said he would talk it over with her. "No, nevermind." I said.
I called to see if someone else could pick up my guest from the Airport and I learned that they had already made arangements to pick her up. I also called my neighber to cancel our arangement. I have been having a hard time dealing with the disappointment and to top if off my Landlord decided to cook on his stove. Which in itself isn't a crime but fact that he has a layer of overspilt, burnt, decaying, grease in the bottom of his oven makes it one because the smell makes me sick to my stomach.
I'm almost over it already.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Christmas
I have so missed planning and preparing for company in my own little place. I invited my parents and brother & his wife to come up for lunch the Saturday before Christmas. My father couldn't make it but the rest of them did. I made tofu fajitas with refried beans and I fixed some spanish rise. I guess they turned out ok because they all ate until they were full.
While I was cooking the tofu the fragrace of the spices were filling the house and Guy asked me, "What's that smell?" I told him, "That's the smell of your mother cooking. I know it rarely happens. Try not to get used to it."
I do wish I had a real kitchen with at least a half size oven and stove and a normal sized sink.I get by but I would like to do more cooking in order to keep a healthy diet, especially being a wana-be vegan in a non-vegan friendly state. I feel like my health might be suffering from lack of protien and other nutrients it needs. But that's another subject.
So, after lunch we took Trax to downtown Salt Lake where we listened to some carrolers, Guy got his picture taken with Santa Clause and we wandered through the lights at Temple Square for a minute until we had to stop in the visitors center so Grandma could take a potty break.
It was a little freaky to be in there, honestly. The first thing I noticed were these brief video clips of these endocrinated children being asked questions about families. They were all so confident in their answers. A kind of chill went up my spine but not from the cold.
My mother had to have a copy of this pedigree chart from an ancestor that they were apparently out of and they had to scour the place to find one. In the mean time Guy was falling asleep and I got stopped by some sister missionaries. One from Peru and another one from France.
My mother joined the conversation and it lead to her mentioning that I went on a mission. I walked the walk and talked the talk enough to avoid creating waves. It's situations like that that tend to make my mother emotional. I had the pleasure of carrying Guy on my back, who was passed out until we got home.
My mom rode back with us and we stayed at my parents' house from Saturday night to Tuesday Morning. I even went to church with them. I was fine about it until the Sacrament was passed. I had forgotten about the silent giveaway. So began the psychology of it all, in my head. I thought, do I take the Sacrament and ignore the fact that I know that they know that they would not consider me to be worthy, but take it as a token of my own faith regardless? Or do I decline it out of respect for their beliefs of worthiness and openly admit that I am not worhty. In my heart I wanted to decline simply becuase I am still on the fence about Jesus Christ and I disagree about whether I am "worthy" or not.
So, how do I portray that to the people sitting around me when my son asked me why I'm not taking the bread or the water. He started to regurgitate my recent nutritional food lecture to me. He obviously doesn't understand what it's for but that doesn't bother me.
Anyway, I made it through the one hour Christmas program. It was interesting to be there and observe and listen with new ears and eyes. I was more uneasy about it than I expected, yet I was good at not letting it show.
While I was cooking the tofu the fragrace of the spices were filling the house and Guy asked me, "What's that smell?" I told him, "That's the smell of your mother cooking. I know it rarely happens. Try not to get used to it."
I do wish I had a real kitchen with at least a half size oven and stove and a normal sized sink.I get by but I would like to do more cooking in order to keep a healthy diet, especially being a wana-be vegan in a non-vegan friendly state. I feel like my health might be suffering from lack of protien and other nutrients it needs. But that's another subject.
So, after lunch we took Trax to downtown Salt Lake where we listened to some carrolers, Guy got his picture taken with Santa Clause and we wandered through the lights at Temple Square for a minute until we had to stop in the visitors center so Grandma could take a potty break.
It was a little freaky to be in there, honestly. The first thing I noticed were these brief video clips of these endocrinated children being asked questions about families. They were all so confident in their answers. A kind of chill went up my spine but not from the cold.
My mother had to have a copy of this pedigree chart from an ancestor that they were apparently out of and they had to scour the place to find one. In the mean time Guy was falling asleep and I got stopped by some sister missionaries. One from Peru and another one from France.
My mother joined the conversation and it lead to her mentioning that I went on a mission. I walked the walk and talked the talk enough to avoid creating waves. It's situations like that that tend to make my mother emotional. I had the pleasure of carrying Guy on my back, who was passed out until we got home.
My mom rode back with us and we stayed at my parents' house from Saturday night to Tuesday Morning. I even went to church with them. I was fine about it until the Sacrament was passed. I had forgotten about the silent giveaway. So began the psychology of it all, in my head. I thought, do I take the Sacrament and ignore the fact that I know that they know that they would not consider me to be worthy, but take it as a token of my own faith regardless? Or do I decline it out of respect for their beliefs of worthiness and openly admit that I am not worhty. In my heart I wanted to decline simply becuase I am still on the fence about Jesus Christ and I disagree about whether I am "worthy" or not.
So, how do I portray that to the people sitting around me when my son asked me why I'm not taking the bread or the water. He started to regurgitate my recent nutritional food lecture to me. He obviously doesn't understand what it's for but that doesn't bother me.
Anyway, I made it through the one hour Christmas program. It was interesting to be there and observe and listen with new ears and eyes. I was more uneasy about it than I expected, yet I was good at not letting it show.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Permanent
Aww, people do care :)
I want to share some good news. Granted, it's a little late but I'm still basking in it's reward. I was finally hired on at my job!!
It's amazing to me how things have worked out for me lately. In some cases I will just have a thought and it will take place. Like the way I was hired at my job for instance: I was getting frustrated with my job situation because it was past the time period by which they were supposed to have hired me from the temp agency. The through crossed my mind that I should see about getting another job and if I get an offer it would like a fire under them to make a decision. First I spoke with the temp agency and they talked to my boss but he could only promise that they would keep me on as a temp through the end of the year.
A couple weeks later, after updating my resume online, I started getting some responses. The first few were no better than what I had. Even one of my previous employers contacted me for the same position I was working before and with a $1 raise but it was too far, not enough hours and still less pay.
Then the Friday after Thanksgiving I got a call from a company that wanted me to start the following Monday. No interview, just a two week trial period after which I would be hired on and with a pay increase. The starting wage was already more than what I was making but it wouldn't give me any time to give a notice. I debated for about an hour and decided it would be in my best interest to take it anyway.
Over the weekend Guy came down with Pneumonia again! I had to take him into the Dr. on monday, so I called in to both jobs telling them my son is sick. My new employer gave me another week to start and I gave notice to the temp agency.
When my suporvisor learned that I was going to take another job she pulled all the strings she knew to see about hiring me before they loose me. And hire me they did. The next day my boss called me at home with a job offer at a rate higher than the other job.
I was relieved that I didn't have to learn another new job and I knew the raise would help and it certainly has.
There have been other instances lately where things have just worked out the way I hoped for them to. It hasn't all been peaches and cream, mind you but all together I'm slowly getting what I want.
I want to share some good news. Granted, it's a little late but I'm still basking in it's reward. I was finally hired on at my job!!
It's amazing to me how things have worked out for me lately. In some cases I will just have a thought and it will take place. Like the way I was hired at my job for instance: I was getting frustrated with my job situation because it was past the time period by which they were supposed to have hired me from the temp agency. The through crossed my mind that I should see about getting another job and if I get an offer it would like a fire under them to make a decision. First I spoke with the temp agency and they talked to my boss but he could only promise that they would keep me on as a temp through the end of the year.
A couple weeks later, after updating my resume online, I started getting some responses. The first few were no better than what I had. Even one of my previous employers contacted me for the same position I was working before and with a $1 raise but it was too far, not enough hours and still less pay.
Then the Friday after Thanksgiving I got a call from a company that wanted me to start the following Monday. No interview, just a two week trial period after which I would be hired on and with a pay increase. The starting wage was already more than what I was making but it wouldn't give me any time to give a notice. I debated for about an hour and decided it would be in my best interest to take it anyway.
Over the weekend Guy came down with Pneumonia again! I had to take him into the Dr. on monday, so I called in to both jobs telling them my son is sick. My new employer gave me another week to start and I gave notice to the temp agency.
When my suporvisor learned that I was going to take another job she pulled all the strings she knew to see about hiring me before they loose me. And hire me they did. The next day my boss called me at home with a job offer at a rate higher than the other job.
I was relieved that I didn't have to learn another new job and I knew the raise would help and it certainly has.
There have been other instances lately where things have just worked out the way I hoped for them to. It hasn't all been peaches and cream, mind you but all together I'm slowly getting what I want.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
My Lips Are Sealed
I haven't written lately because I guess I feel like I need more privacy in my life right now. I suspect that some people close to me have been reading my blog and I just don't feel like sharing right now.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Too Much Info.
I have been careful not to share very much about my personal life with my coworkers until yesterday. I mentioned to them a couple weeks ago that I was going home for lunch to meet an old boyfriend of mine from high school. Yesterday my boss asked about how that went and if I think anything might become of it.
I told her that it went well, but that it's kind of complicated considering that he lives in Southern California and travels a lot and has another girlfriend. Then I mentioned that I had a semi serious boyfriend in Austin too, but that we just broke up last week, but I have a couple other boyfriends who live in Salt Lake, one from Jamaica and one from Peru. They are nice guys, but nothing serious.
Then she got talking about relationships and finding the right man not just for me, but for my son too. Then I got talking about my ex-husband and told her how terrible of a mistake that was and about the events that lead up to my leaving him including the he wanted to leave the church and how when we got married we planned to go to the temple later. She asked how long we were engaged for. I told her that it was very brief. We started talking about marriage after the first two weeks. We met in May and got married in August of the same year.
I told her how even in the terrible state that I was in before I finally left him, it still took me a long time to decide to leave because I dreaded the thought of going back to the Young Adult scene after being divorced *and* having a son. I said, it was Hell the first time and I was not axious to go through it again once I was branded with the scarlet letters D (Divorced) and M (Mother [single mother means desperate to get married to a man that can support her family but any guy her age is still in school because he only got back from his mission a few years ago.]).
I mentioned that he wanted to get back together with me a few months ago, and he felt like he needed to go back to church, he even confessed everything to his bishop. But I wasn't interested and besides that I had stopped going to church.
I think my boss' mind was kind of spinning by now, but I didn't stop there, I told her that that is why I moved here last year to find more LDS guys to date. She could relate to the fact that there are no good guys left. I mentioned that I would get asked out by all kinds of non-LDS guys, but when I went to the Young Adult Ward they avoided me like the plague. When I moved here I had plenty of options for LDS guys to date, but by age 30+ they still didn't have their act together. Some of them could barely write or speek english, or they didn't have a steady job, let alone a career, or they don't even have a car, etc. She joked how you have to wait for the good ones to get divorced. I said, yeah and by then they have 3 or more kids they are paying child support to their mother for and they have let themself go for 10 years.
I went on to tell her that I was engaged to a guy who rode his bike all the way from Park City to see me and he didn't even have a job at the time that we met, although now he's doing great just taking on carpentry jobs. I told her that we broke up in February and how I met Paul shortly after but I told him from the beginning that it wouldn't work out because I am LDS etc.
She asked me at one point a few months ago if I was Mormon. I told her I used to be. I'm sure she assumed that I stopped going many years ago. I think she was surprised when I told her that I came to realize that the Church is not true and how I haven't been going since May. But the shocker came when I mentioned that I served a mission too. It totally took her back. She asked where I went. I told her Ontario, Canada. She said wow, cause I served a mission too.
She wanted to know why I decided that it wasn't true and I told her that I found some things in the history of the church that bothered me. She said she is courious now to know what I found. I remained vague and told her that it has to do with Joseph Smith and some of the other leaders of the church and I felt that there is conflicting ideas between the BoM and the Bible. I didn't want to hash it out with her so I didn't say specifically. I did tell her that my brother has taken me on as his project in trying to resolve my concerns for me. She asked, "And you prayed about it and everything?"
That's another subject in itself. I haven't prayed in the way that I knew she was speaking of since my breakdown in May. Had I prayed about it? no, but I felt good about it in my mind and heart, so I figured that counted for a "yeah."
I told her that my son stays with my parents on Saturday night so he can go to church with them on Sunday. She asked if I would allow him to be involved in the church if he decides that he wants to when he is older. Of course I told her I would not stop him if he felt that was the thing to do. I let her know that I don't have hard feelings towards the members of the church because I think they are good people, but I found that it wasn't right for me personally.
I felt it necessary to say that I haven't changed who I am because I decided to leave the church. Yes, there are some subtle changes in my life, but I feel good about my decision and I'm doing good.
I know other people within ears shot were listening in on our conversation too. I was just standing at the edge of her cubicle. Come to think of it, the office was pretty quite while we were talking. I'm sure they were at the edge of their seats since 4 of the 6 other people within proximity were all active members too.
I think I may already regret spilling so much information with her. She doesn't treat me differently, but in my mind I wonder what she might be thinking about me. I'm sure she figures I lost the spirit or something.
I told her that it went well, but that it's kind of complicated considering that he lives in Southern California and travels a lot and has another girlfriend. Then I mentioned that I had a semi serious boyfriend in Austin too, but that we just broke up last week, but I have a couple other boyfriends who live in Salt Lake, one from Jamaica and one from Peru. They are nice guys, but nothing serious.
Then she got talking about relationships and finding the right man not just for me, but for my son too. Then I got talking about my ex-husband and told her how terrible of a mistake that was and about the events that lead up to my leaving him including the he wanted to leave the church and how when we got married we planned to go to the temple later. She asked how long we were engaged for. I told her that it was very brief. We started talking about marriage after the first two weeks. We met in May and got married in August of the same year.
I told her how even in the terrible state that I was in before I finally left him, it still took me a long time to decide to leave because I dreaded the thought of going back to the Young Adult scene after being divorced *and* having a son. I said, it was Hell the first time and I was not axious to go through it again once I was branded with the scarlet letters D (Divorced) and M (Mother [single mother means desperate to get married to a man that can support her family but any guy her age is still in school because he only got back from his mission a few years ago.]).
I mentioned that he wanted to get back together with me a few months ago, and he felt like he needed to go back to church, he even confessed everything to his bishop. But I wasn't interested and besides that I had stopped going to church.
I think my boss' mind was kind of spinning by now, but I didn't stop there, I told her that that is why I moved here last year to find more LDS guys to date. She could relate to the fact that there are no good guys left. I mentioned that I would get asked out by all kinds of non-LDS guys, but when I went to the Young Adult Ward they avoided me like the plague. When I moved here I had plenty of options for LDS guys to date, but by age 30+ they still didn't have their act together. Some of them could barely write or speek english, or they didn't have a steady job, let alone a career, or they don't even have a car, etc. She joked how you have to wait for the good ones to get divorced. I said, yeah and by then they have 3 or more kids they are paying child support to their mother for and they have let themself go for 10 years.
I went on to tell her that I was engaged to a guy who rode his bike all the way from Park City to see me and he didn't even have a job at the time that we met, although now he's doing great just taking on carpentry jobs. I told her that we broke up in February and how I met Paul shortly after but I told him from the beginning that it wouldn't work out because I am LDS etc.
She asked me at one point a few months ago if I was Mormon. I told her I used to be. I'm sure she assumed that I stopped going many years ago. I think she was surprised when I told her that I came to realize that the Church is not true and how I haven't been going since May. But the shocker came when I mentioned that I served a mission too. It totally took her back. She asked where I went. I told her Ontario, Canada. She said wow, cause I served a mission too.
She wanted to know why I decided that it wasn't true and I told her that I found some things in the history of the church that bothered me. She said she is courious now to know what I found. I remained vague and told her that it has to do with Joseph Smith and some of the other leaders of the church and I felt that there is conflicting ideas between the BoM and the Bible. I didn't want to hash it out with her so I didn't say specifically. I did tell her that my brother has taken me on as his project in trying to resolve my concerns for me. She asked, "And you prayed about it and everything?"
That's another subject in itself. I haven't prayed in the way that I knew she was speaking of since my breakdown in May. Had I prayed about it? no, but I felt good about it in my mind and heart, so I figured that counted for a "yeah."
I told her that my son stays with my parents on Saturday night so he can go to church with them on Sunday. She asked if I would allow him to be involved in the church if he decides that he wants to when he is older. Of course I told her I would not stop him if he felt that was the thing to do. I let her know that I don't have hard feelings towards the members of the church because I think they are good people, but I found that it wasn't right for me personally.
I felt it necessary to say that I haven't changed who I am because I decided to leave the church. Yes, there are some subtle changes in my life, but I feel good about my decision and I'm doing good.
I know other people within ears shot were listening in on our conversation too. I was just standing at the edge of her cubicle. Come to think of it, the office was pretty quite while we were talking. I'm sure they were at the edge of their seats since 4 of the 6 other people within proximity were all active members too.
I think I may already regret spilling so much information with her. She doesn't treat me differently, but in my mind I wonder what she might be thinking about me. I'm sure she figures I lost the spirit or something.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
A Personal Invitation From the Devil
Last night, I woke up at 4am and decided to take a shower. It was nice to be able to take my time in the shower instead of having to rush off to work. Then I went back to bed. I had trouble falling back asleep for a long time. When I finally did, this horrible dream began. Actually, the beginning wasn't so bad, but the ending was horrifying.
It started out as me taking off in the car to go to some swing dancing event, and I ran into a kid that I think I recognized to be someone that I have seen at the BYU dances a couple times. He didn't hide his excitement to see me, so we hung out most of the evening. I was staying with, I guess an old missionary companion, but she was still on a mission, so I stayed with her and her companion in their missionary apartment. I guess I got there before they did (gee, that would have put them out past 9pm, those rebel missionaries) and I picked up their place a bit for them. They were amazed at what I had done when they got back.
We were all three sleeping there on the floor when this little devil person comes in and started poking at us with his pitchfork. I held up my hand and grabbed the handle of it so that he couldn't poke me with it, then it grew another three forks out the sides. I got up and questioned him. I asked him why he was there and what he wants with us. I don't remember him speaking, but I remember this image coming to my mind of what he intended for us. It was a horrible scene. I saw a panoramic view of deformed bodies and people laying in blood. By deformed, I mean, like their arms were sewn to their legs or missing legs or arms, etc. What was strange was that their bodies were almost glowing white, and there weren't any scars, but they were misshapen, and then red all around them. I was ill from the sight of it.
All I could ask is, "Why?" He just replied with something like, "They let me." He was hoping that I or we would let him, but I refused. I was amazed that all of those people would allow him to do that to them. They seemed, not sad, not all of them in pain, but because of their deformity they were left mostly helpless. I wondered if they understood what they had gotten themselves into. There they were, just lame lumps of flesh. None of them crying or begging for help. Just existing like they don't care. They were numb, experiencing no thoughts or feelings.
He assured me that he would not touch me unless I allowed him to, just the same as everyone else. I tried for a second to comprehend why a person would allow him to do that, but I was afraid to go there in my mind. I had seen the result and I knew that wasn't what I wanted for myself, to be a deformed pet.
It started out as me taking off in the car to go to some swing dancing event, and I ran into a kid that I think I recognized to be someone that I have seen at the BYU dances a couple times. He didn't hide his excitement to see me, so we hung out most of the evening. I was staying with, I guess an old missionary companion, but she was still on a mission, so I stayed with her and her companion in their missionary apartment. I guess I got there before they did (gee, that would have put them out past 9pm, those rebel missionaries) and I picked up their place a bit for them. They were amazed at what I had done when they got back.
We were all three sleeping there on the floor when this little devil person comes in and started poking at us with his pitchfork. I held up my hand and grabbed the handle of it so that he couldn't poke me with it, then it grew another three forks out the sides. I got up and questioned him. I asked him why he was there and what he wants with us. I don't remember him speaking, but I remember this image coming to my mind of what he intended for us. It was a horrible scene. I saw a panoramic view of deformed bodies and people laying in blood. By deformed, I mean, like their arms were sewn to their legs or missing legs or arms, etc. What was strange was that their bodies were almost glowing white, and there weren't any scars, but they were misshapen, and then red all around them. I was ill from the sight of it.
All I could ask is, "Why?" He just replied with something like, "They let me." He was hoping that I or we would let him, but I refused. I was amazed that all of those people would allow him to do that to them. They seemed, not sad, not all of them in pain, but because of their deformity they were left mostly helpless. I wondered if they understood what they had gotten themselves into. There they were, just lame lumps of flesh. None of them crying or begging for help. Just existing like they don't care. They were numb, experiencing no thoughts or feelings.
He assured me that he would not touch me unless I allowed him to, just the same as everyone else. I tried for a second to comprehend why a person would allow him to do that, but I was afraid to go there in my mind. I had seen the result and I knew that wasn't what I wanted for myself, to be a deformed pet.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Breaking Free
I've forgotten what it was like to have my heart broken. I suppose it's only fair with the number of times I have broken the hearts of others. I wish I had left him alone after my visit to Austin. Instead I let him back into my life. We even talked about making plans to be together, but it only got my hopes up. It only made me more willing to sacrifice myself, but it wasn't enough. Even after all that I have done he demands more. I cannot meet his demands any more. I must free myself of his chains and become my own master.
What is Gained?
I got an email from my brother last night in which he addressed a few concerns about the church that I shared with him. They seemed to rid the church of an fault in the ordeal. Particularly the incidents of Blood Atonement. He pointed out that I could have found the information if I wanted to and that there must be another, personal reason why I have chosen not to believe. Perhaps that is true and once again that reason no longer exists.
I had a dream last night that I decided to either go on a mission or go to school at BYU while still being in the unbelieving state of mind. My family was all around me as I was settling into the dorm. They were all wondering why I would choose to do such a thing, knowing that I stopped going to church and that I don't have a testimony. How would I share my nonexistant testimony? and why would I feel the need to try?
I'm not sure if I am just now feeling the loss from abandoning the church or if I am feeling the loss from realizing that Paul and I will never work.
I had a dream last night that I decided to either go on a mission or go to school at BYU while still being in the unbelieving state of mind. My family was all around me as I was settling into the dorm. They were all wondering why I would choose to do such a thing, knowing that I stopped going to church and that I don't have a testimony. How would I share my nonexistant testimony? and why would I feel the need to try?
I'm not sure if I am just now feeling the loss from abandoning the church or if I am feeling the loss from realizing that Paul and I will never work.
Talking to God: Carnival of the Veil #23
Talking to God: Carnival of the Veil #23
Gunner, auther of Talking to God is the host. Send him an email if you would like to participate.
Gunner, auther of Talking to God is the host. Send him an email if you would like to participate.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Carnival of the Veil
Kitakazoo shares the pains of being shunned by her own TBM daughter. What I want to know is what is her daughter hiding under her saggy, baggy underwear?
Kit also gives her insight to the Polygamy Community.
Eight hour lunch tries to capture the beauty of Rome, but being alone makes him home sick for his daughter.
Darqueheart declares that a real man irons his own shirts.
Sister Mary Lisa tells about the day God got a 1000 USD bonus. I think her husband is more deserving of the real man award.
Arizona Expositor’s wife wishes he would give their daughter a priesthood blessing.
Equality transcribes The book of Gladius
Sinister porpoise reaches a long term goal (though she keeps that goal a secret) and just can’t find the time to pay the Tax Man from all the money she’s making.
Matt of Notamormon gives his analogy of the age old question “Are Mormon’s Christian?”
Fiddley divulges some of his favorite secret combinations….and here too.
Finally, the man that birthed the Carnival of the Veil, Gunner. He makes the shocking statement that “Nonmembers” are good people too? Not just good, better?! Impossible ;)
Kit also gives her insight to the Polygamy Community.
Eight hour lunch tries to capture the beauty of Rome, but being alone makes him home sick for his daughter.
Darqueheart declares that a real man irons his own shirts.
Sister Mary Lisa tells about the day God got a 1000 USD bonus. I think her husband is more deserving of the real man award.
Arizona Expositor’s wife wishes he would give their daughter a priesthood blessing.
Equality transcribes The book of Gladius
Sinister porpoise reaches a long term goal (though she keeps that goal a secret) and just can’t find the time to pay the Tax Man from all the money she’s making.
Matt of Notamormon gives his analogy of the age old question “Are Mormon’s Christian?”
Fiddley divulges some of his favorite secret combinations….and here too.
Finally, the man that birthed the Carnival of the Veil, Gunner. He makes the shocking statement that “Nonmembers” are good people too? Not just good, better?! Impossible ;)
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Going All the Way
It only took a few minutes of a couple of videos to convince me that there are a lot of animals being tortured in the World. Enough so, that not only have I chosen to not eat meat, but I am working on cutting out dairy and eggs too. I knew it would be a challenge and I didn't want to starve in the first week, so I am taking it slowly as I relearn what to eat. It will be very inconvenient and will require more preparation on my part and likely more money too, but I feel it is a worthy cause.
Certainly more worthy than all the effor that the church put into their petitions against redefining the family. I was puzzled at an email that I received from a friend who is a member of the church. The email made the statement that this will greatly affect our families... etc. How the Hell would something like that affect me, a straight person? I already have the right to mary a man. The people that it will affect are those that didn't have the right to marry whom they choose, ie: the homosexuals. Why should I be so determined to deprive them of their rights?
I can see myself getting carried away with this animal loving wave I am on. I have never really been "into" animals. I'm not a cat or dog or horse lover. I've had several pets including; cats, dogs, birds, frogs, fish, a crab, a rat and currently a mouse (who is going to be set free in the very near future or maybe after winter is over), but I've never been more than slightly attached to them.
But when I see images of deformed animals who are tortured and abused from the time of their birth and who never even see the sunlight or given an opportunity to live a natural life it makes me sick to my stomach and I cry for them.
It's not just farm animals who are tortured, circus elephants and other performing animals are regularly abused with a sharp hook to tear their skin or a sharp hammer at the back of their knees or an electric prod on their privates. I remember learning of a case against some circus for animal abuse. The source of the news was my father and it was translated to me like, "Oh, the poor animal, so what if it's standing in it's own phesis, they would do the same in the wild..."
My father enjoys hunting. He doesn't go all that often, but he enjoys the sport of it. He does his best to make sure that a fish or dear etc is put to death as quickly and painlessly as possible, as he does not enjoy torturing animals, just killing them, if that can be rationalized.
Guy likes to go fishing with Grandpa and he went this last weekend and caught a few fish. Maybe next time I could suggest that they just watch the fish and feed them crumbs or something. Oh, and sorry Honey, but we won't be going to the Circus this year. We'll find an animal-cruelty-free activity to replace it with like picketing outside the Circus :) hmm, that could be fun.
The delema that I was having was deciding how much control I would have on what Guy eats. He likes meat and he is a growing boy and I don't think he would eat much of my lame vegan cooking, since I haven't started that yet, he would starve and the few things I have bought he has turned up his nose to. I think I have decided the best thing to do is to just have alternatives available for him at home and let him eat what he wants otherwise.
I feel better already about my new diet. I made the decision a couple of weeks ago and I like that I am putting more natural/back to basics/whole foods in my body. I look forward to improved and lasting health.
So....Chin Chin! (Cheers, for Italians) *raise my glass of chocolate Soy Milk* gulp, aahhh!
Certainly more worthy than all the effor that the church put into their petitions against redefining the family. I was puzzled at an email that I received from a friend who is a member of the church. The email made the statement that this will greatly affect our families... etc. How the Hell would something like that affect me, a straight person? I already have the right to mary a man. The people that it will affect are those that didn't have the right to marry whom they choose, ie: the homosexuals. Why should I be so determined to deprive them of their rights?
I can see myself getting carried away with this animal loving wave I am on. I have never really been "into" animals. I'm not a cat or dog or horse lover. I've had several pets including; cats, dogs, birds, frogs, fish, a crab, a rat and currently a mouse (who is going to be set free in the very near future or maybe after winter is over), but I've never been more than slightly attached to them.
But when I see images of deformed animals who are tortured and abused from the time of their birth and who never even see the sunlight or given an opportunity to live a natural life it makes me sick to my stomach and I cry for them.
It's not just farm animals who are tortured, circus elephants and other performing animals are regularly abused with a sharp hook to tear their skin or a sharp hammer at the back of their knees or an electric prod on their privates. I remember learning of a case against some circus for animal abuse. The source of the news was my father and it was translated to me like, "Oh, the poor animal, so what if it's standing in it's own phesis, they would do the same in the wild..."
My father enjoys hunting. He doesn't go all that often, but he enjoys the sport of it. He does his best to make sure that a fish or dear etc is put to death as quickly and painlessly as possible, as he does not enjoy torturing animals, just killing them, if that can be rationalized.
Guy likes to go fishing with Grandpa and he went this last weekend and caught a few fish. Maybe next time I could suggest that they just watch the fish and feed them crumbs or something. Oh, and sorry Honey, but we won't be going to the Circus this year. We'll find an animal-cruelty-free activity to replace it with like picketing outside the Circus :) hmm, that could be fun.
The delema that I was having was deciding how much control I would have on what Guy eats. He likes meat and he is a growing boy and I don't think he would eat much of my lame vegan cooking, since I haven't started that yet, he would starve and the few things I have bought he has turned up his nose to. I think I have decided the best thing to do is to just have alternatives available for him at home and let him eat what he wants otherwise.
I feel better already about my new diet. I made the decision a couple of weeks ago and I like that I am putting more natural/back to basics/whole foods in my body. I look forward to improved and lasting health.
So....Chin Chin! (Cheers, for Italians) *raise my glass of chocolate Soy Milk* gulp, aahhh!
A Common Bond
I just got back from the Sunday dinner at my parents' house. It has become habit now that Guy gets dropped off at the G parent's house on Saturday afternoon and stays over to go to church with them. I come back down on Sunday afternoon, have dinner, do laundry and we go home.
My father is from
Today was the first time that they have come down from
He told me I'm just cute as a button. (The things relatives say) ;) He also said I look healthy and happy so he wanted to know if I am doing anything differently. I mentioned that I have been a vegetarian since May and that I am working on cutting out dairy and eggs too. He asked if I had lost weight from that, but the truth is I was gaining in the beginning, but have lost that back again now.
He wanted to know my reasoning for the change in lifestyle. I told him that is was initially for better health, but after seeing a few videos of the horrible treatment of the animals my reasons are now for the sake of the cruel treatment that an animal suffers just to become my dinner and ultimately my poop. OK, those weren't my words, but they are the words of a kid I had a short lived friendship with. He is a bit too radical for me, but I respect the messages he is sending.
My two cousins came out to join us at this point. They all had KFC for dinner. So we were discussing the value of the lives of the chickens that became their food. In my mind I was picturing the vivid visuals from the film clips I watched of chickens who get their beaks ground down shortly after birth, then shoved into these cramped cages where they can't even spread their wings, then pumped full of steroids so that they become so large that their legs won't even hold them up and then get shat on by other birds. then they get drug by their necks and hung by their feet to be scalded alive and now featherless before they are finally put out of their misery. My uncle's reasoning is that at least they had a life. He asked if I were a chicken would I want to at least be able to live rather than to never be born. I quickly answered that I would rather not be born. That is not life, that is a living hell! Their purpose in live is to get fat and die, tasting pain and suffering from the moment of birth.
No thank you. I would rather remain a spirit chicken than come to earth for two months of torture. Don't even get me started on how they skin the animals alive to make fur coats, then just tossed their bloody living carcass aside as if it's already garbage. The animal is still alive for God's sake! What a pretty picture the media paints over the truth about where our food and clothing comes from. If you need more just go here http://www.peta.org/
I meant to save that rant for another post. I actually remained pretty vague about it all in our discussion so as not to gross them all out while they were eating.
I went in to get a plate of food for Guy and my other uncle was in the kitchen too and said that all the cool people were eating outside while he had been eating in the dining room. He came outside to be with the cool people too. I felt like I had been invited into their outcast club. There we were, we had managed to segregate ourselves from the active members. I have never seen that happen at other family gatherings with the same group of people. My uncle was making some comment about denial because we had just been talking about X, when my dad came out with the rest of them and took a seat right behind us. My dad told me not to pay any attention to what he was saying because he is a rebel. My uncle said, "Well so is she. She's just now coming around." My dad tried hard to laugh as he got up and walked away. I wished I had the words to make it better for my dad, but none came to mind.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
My Personal Progress Report
I love the contradiction in still belonging to the LDS web ring and being on the exmormon glog roll. I get a hit from the LDS web ring maybe twice a year and the exmormon blog roll brings at least 10 new visitors a day. I think I secretly hope that someone from the LDS web ring will happen upon my blog and something they read will cause them to think question their beliefs.
I'm still unsure about where exactly my own personal beliefs are. For example, I don't know where I stand with Christ right now or even the Bible for that matter. I believe that it is true historically, but there are many things in the Old Testimant that I seriously doubt happened. I don't want to cut and paste the parts that I like and make a collage from it. I want to either be able to accept it as it is or toss it all out.
Can one thing be true for one person and not for another person? In some ways, I think YES. In my period of searching, I read many people's near death experiences. They could more aptly be named tastes of death. In any case, I read from the experiences of a man who hadn't actually tasted death himself but he has had many out of body experiences and he travels to other places in time and space while his spirit is out of it's body. I read about a time that he visited person's personal Hell. I am including his full version of it. I realize it's lengthy, but I couldn't decide what to cut.
I'm still unsure about where exactly my own personal beliefs are. For example, I don't know where I stand with Christ right now or even the Bible for that matter. I believe that it is true historically, but there are many things in the Old Testimant that I seriously doubt happened. I don't want to cut and paste the parts that I like and make a collage from it. I want to either be able to accept it as it is or toss it all out.
Can one thing be true for one person and not for another person? In some ways, I think YES. In my period of searching, I read many people's near death experiences. They could more aptly be named tastes of death. In any case, I read from the experiences of a man who hadn't actually tasted death himself but he has had many out of body experiences and he travels to other places in time and space while his spirit is out of it's body. I read about a time that he visited person's personal Hell. I am including his full version of it. I realize it's lengthy, but I couldn't decide what to cut.
It began when I woke up to see that I was in some huge city, and there was some poor lost soul wandering the streets, utterly clueless about anything at all. No car, no possessions, as if he just materialized there out of the air! in a way, I see, he DID just that, in a sense as the scenery, as this dream unfolds, appears to be not of any city on this earthplane!!
I could tell that by the "magical" way that machines operate, the "fluidness" of how the scenery changes.... "cartoonlike"! but this was no cartoon! A
"real world". Full of people too, and the streets stretched off to the horizon, endlessly. I followed this guy as he stumbled from one "reality neighborhood" to another, areas of the city that
seemed to have a specialty.
There was a section of square miles that looked like a "ghetto" and everyone there, all 10,000+ people, where doing drugs. in fact every single shop sells
drugs of one kind or another, out in the open as if everything were utterly legal!
Between the shops were many many bars and and pubs and
dance places. The streets were packed with people all high on something. then there was the Zone where there were hundreds and hundreds of rug shops and stalls
where only oriental rugs were sold. All of the people there looked "middle eastern". then there was a area of blocks and blocks of nothing but bookstores and open bookstalls as if there never ever was rain there. Packed with people of course.
the Industrial zone was next, miles and miles of foundries and pipes. Somehow he got with a band of
motorcyclists who got him out into a kind of countryside, a countryside that seemed not to obey the
rules of nature and of the earth! Funny skies and roads to nowhere and to everywheres!
[poor guy. He must have died and he must have been one
of the residents of my, or another, senior resident place. Maybe 80 years old and very very conservative,
stuck in the 1950s in mindset and then 'against"
everything of the modern age. Not a Christian of course, no soul life at all.
Perhaps a retired engineer or maybe a business person.
Now he died and went to a Low Place in the afterlife,
and the Guides will let him COOK in this astral hell
for a bit of time! There might not have been a bit of
any kind of "preparation" for the afterlife, and he
might have "gone down hard" at the end of his life, a bitter old man, seeing how the 2000s are nothing but bad..Angry and obstinate!]
so here is now is, near the end of this dream. Standing next to yet *another* neiborhood of thousands and thousands of people who share a mindset. Lost. Bewildered. Not even knowing the name of the place that he stands in and no one to help him, to be the Authority for His Choices, like when he was alive!
[in WW II, one Obeyed authority, you could die in 10) seconds on the battlefield if you thought for yourself! In the 1944 civilian life, you placed your family, your town, your country first and you came utterly last!
So as this generation grows older, they would like a leader-figure to make all of the choices in life for them, let others do the thinkings for them.]
lost, utterly lost, no way to find a leader here. Everything that he denies in life seems to be all that
there is, here, with a cast of 200,000!
well....He finds out soon enough what *this* neiborhood is all about!
Homo men! Hundreds of shops and hundreds of partybars
and Clubs. The streets are packed body to body with
thousands of homo men and mostly naked. Suddenly, a whole block or two or three, of the gay residents, see him standing just outside of this area! They rush
up to him. As this dream ends, I see that he is mobbed by thousands of homo men, his hetrosexuality will very very soon be gone, against his will, as 3000 gay men de-flower him and make him one of their own, probably for years and years....A never-ending ORGY!
I'm not sure where I was going with this post except to say that I do not claim to know all the answers and that that is ok. I think there is great comfort to being a member of the church because it gives a sense of security that the church has all the answers for us to the age old questions of; Who are we? What are we doing here? Where are we going? What is the purpose of life? etc.
I have been told by a few people who have experienced the contrast of being active in the church and being inactive. They have shared how their lives were empty and meaningless when they were inactive and now that they are going to church again, they have purpose in life and goals and they feel peace in their lives.
I believe they were unhappy while inactive because they either filled their void with the wrong kinds of influences or all of those Primary lessons, and scriptures or temple movies have affected their subconcious so that they still believe that they cannot be happy unless they are living the way the church suggests.
Not only that, but like the example of the man in his personal hell, it is so much easier to let some one else do the thinking for us. If it does go all awry, we have someone else to blame besides ourselves.
Friday, September 15, 2006
"We Need to Talk"
Those are words I dread when coming from my mother, and usually anyone.
The only time I actually discussed my leaving the church with either of my parents was on a Saturday when my dad had gone fishing and I went to my parent's house to do some laundry. My mother met up with us for lunch first.
I remember being especially tired that day and I laid down on the couch to rest when my mom came in and said, "We need to talk, if you are up to it."
She kind of had me cornered. No I wasn't really up to it, but it had been put off long enough I suppose. My mother had some questions for me about some of the changes taking place in my life.
I knew my brother had told them. Apparently he didn't waste any time either because the day after I moved, I went down to their house to pick up a few things and on the back of the list that my mother and I made she had written a couple of spiritual thoughts and she sent home an Ensign with me.
A couple of weeks had passed since then and they seemed to be coping with it well, at least in my presence. I think I hoped that I would never have to explain it to them, but I expect this isn't the last time it will come up. I don't feel like I really need to justify it to them, but I think it's fair to answer a few questions for them.
The questions she asked me that day were...What made you decide to stop going to church? Do you still believe in prayer? So, you don't believe in the power of the Priesthood? What about all the wonderful people that you taught on you mission, you don't believe in the things you taught them anymore? What do you plan to do with your church records? Will you allow Guy to go to church?
I did my best to appease her without offending her while still being open minded yet firm in my newly established beliefs. I explained briefly to her about my experiences with answers to prayers and that I believe there is a source of power that we are all entitled to. I told her I have not plans to remove my records from the church so far and that it was fine if Guy wants to attend church with them some time, but I won't be taking him. She thought I should let him go with the kids in the neighborhood. I was not too keen on the idea because I felt it would raise questions in the minds of the other kids regarding why Guy's mother and father don't go to church. Perhaps this is a selfish reason, but I don't feel like Guy needs to be judged or singled out from his friends since he is already well aware that he doesn't have a dad and the other kids do.
We talked for maybe 30 minutes and then she let me be. I feel for them because I know that they must feel like they are loosing their daughter in the after life. I'm glad they are still able to accept me for who I am, I hope. They have helped me out a lot with getting me moved and fixing up my place and I am very thankful to them for it.
The only time I actually discussed my leaving the church with either of my parents was on a Saturday when my dad had gone fishing and I went to my parent's house to do some laundry. My mother met up with us for lunch first.
I remember being especially tired that day and I laid down on the couch to rest when my mom came in and said, "We need to talk, if you are up to it."
She kind of had me cornered. No I wasn't really up to it, but it had been put off long enough I suppose. My mother had some questions for me about some of the changes taking place in my life.
I knew my brother had told them. Apparently he didn't waste any time either because the day after I moved, I went down to their house to pick up a few things and on the back of the list that my mother and I made she had written a couple of spiritual thoughts and she sent home an Ensign with me.
A couple of weeks had passed since then and they seemed to be coping with it well, at least in my presence. I think I hoped that I would never have to explain it to them, but I expect this isn't the last time it will come up. I don't feel like I really need to justify it to them, but I think it's fair to answer a few questions for them.
The questions she asked me that day were...What made you decide to stop going to church? Do you still believe in prayer? So, you don't believe in the power of the Priesthood? What about all the wonderful people that you taught on you mission, you don't believe in the things you taught them anymore? What do you plan to do with your church records? Will you allow Guy to go to church?
I did my best to appease her without offending her while still being open minded yet firm in my newly established beliefs. I explained briefly to her about my experiences with answers to prayers and that I believe there is a source of power that we are all entitled to. I told her I have not plans to remove my records from the church so far and that it was fine if Guy wants to attend church with them some time, but I won't be taking him. She thought I should let him go with the kids in the neighborhood. I was not too keen on the idea because I felt it would raise questions in the minds of the other kids regarding why Guy's mother and father don't go to church. Perhaps this is a selfish reason, but I don't feel like Guy needs to be judged or singled out from his friends since he is already well aware that he doesn't have a dad and the other kids do.
We talked for maybe 30 minutes and then she let me be. I feel for them because I know that they must feel like they are loosing their daughter in the after life. I'm glad they are still able to accept me for who I am, I hope. They have helped me out a lot with getting me moved and fixing up my place and I am very thankful to them for it.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Guy's Fourth Birthday Part-ly
Guy turned another year older last month. His birthday came just a few weeks after we moved, which didn't give him much time to make new friends to invite to his party. We were discussing who we would invite and the first two people he mentioned were Frank and X. I tried to let him down genly by telling him that neither of them will be able to come. I hadn't hearf from X in months and Frank has been acting like a psycho path. I could tell Guy's feelings were hurt pretty badly. From then on his attitude changed as if he felt like no one liked him.
One is his real dad and the other one wanted more than anything to at least be able to pretend to be his dad and loved hearing him call him that. I hope I can find a MAN that can step up to the plate and deserve to called Guy's dad.
I made an effort to pass out invitations to his class at his new preschool and I talked to a couple of the mothers of his friends in his old neighborhood. I figured only a few would show up, but I figured they would have so much fun at the park that he wouldn't notice.
I got a smiley face piniata and blew up some balloons. Grandma brought a cake and Grandpa hung the piniata in the tree. Then we all played frisbee while waiting for some guests to arrive.
Since the rain clouds got there first, we decided to go ahead and let Guy start swinging at the yellow smiley face with the stick. Man did he wack that thing hard. He beat it to a bloody, er card board pulp till it burst open and spilled the candy and toys.
We gathered them up quickly as we felt rain drops trickling through the trees. We watched him quickly unwrap his presents as the rain began to pick up. We opted to go move the party to our house to have some cake.
On the way home, the rain came pooring down. Then I thought at first that there was a truck kicking up rocks on our windshield, then I realized there was no one in front of me. It had begun to Hail! So much so that we stayed in the car when we got to our house and waited for it to cease. The hail finally stopped, but the rain didn't. We dodged into the house with the cake and presents. I was in my baithing suit and a little cover up so I was particularly cold. It wasn't a nice warm summer rain. It was a mean ole' cold one right out of the month of November.
After having some cake, Guy wanted to try out his new squirt guns he got from Grandpa. One has a face guard and everything. They filled up the guns and took them outside. When they ran out of water they started throwing hail balls!
One is his real dad and the other one wanted more than anything to at least be able to pretend to be his dad and loved hearing him call him that. I hope I can find a MAN that can step up to the plate and deserve to called Guy's dad.
I made an effort to pass out invitations to his class at his new preschool and I talked to a couple of the mothers of his friends in his old neighborhood. I figured only a few would show up, but I figured they would have so much fun at the park that he wouldn't notice.
I got a smiley face piniata and blew up some balloons. Grandma brought a cake and Grandpa hung the piniata in the tree. Then we all played frisbee while waiting for some guests to arrive.
Since the rain clouds got there first, we decided to go ahead and let Guy start swinging at the yellow smiley face with the stick. Man did he wack that thing hard. He beat it to a bloody, er card board pulp till it burst open and spilled the candy and toys.
We gathered them up quickly as we felt rain drops trickling through the trees. We watched him quickly unwrap his presents as the rain began to pick up. We opted to go move the party to our house to have some cake.
On the way home, the rain came pooring down. Then I thought at first that there was a truck kicking up rocks on our windshield, then I realized there was no one in front of me. It had begun to Hail! So much so that we stayed in the car when we got to our house and waited for it to cease. The hail finally stopped, but the rain didn't. We dodged into the house with the cake and presents. I was in my baithing suit and a little cover up so I was particularly cold. It wasn't a nice warm summer rain. It was a mean ole' cold one right out of the month of November.
After having some cake, Guy wanted to try out his new squirt guns he got from Grandpa. One has a face guard and everything. They filled up the guns and took them outside. When they ran out of water they started throwing hail balls!
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
The Church of Song and Dance
A few days after I moved in, my landlord mentioned to me that he does interpretive dance at his church. I was very surprised. First that he dances and second that he dances at church! He had my interest regardless of how silly it sounded. I said it sounded like my kind of church because I love to dance. He invited us to join him the following Sunday.
We followed him to the Christian Fellowship church in Murray. The services started in this carpeted auditorium complete with a stage and a sound and tech room in the back. When the door opened to the room the music filled my soul and I felt feelings that I had always identified as The Spirit. Most of the audience was seated or standing in front of their seats with their arms in the air and palms up as if it were raining and they were catching the rain drops in their hands. Then there were others between the seats and the stage who were standing, swaying, subtly dancing, waving taffeta flags, kneeling and even laying on the floor. The majority of the audience was singing along to the band (complete with drums and electric guitars) on the stage. It was light Christian Rock, which I can't say I am familiar with, but I would describe it as such.
Guy was anxious to go after a few minutes, but I talked him into staying to the end. He coaxed me to come with him up in the front where our landord was who was doing his interpretive dance (he was dancing more with his arms than his legs, just making patterns and such to the music). We stood behind him and I was tapping my feet and probably swaying a little.
They offered the sacrament with wine and tiny bits of bread or such. We didn't take any, I was feeling shy I guess or just unsure of what my feelings are on the whole thing, so we just watched.
After the first hour they broke out into classes. I took Guy to the class for his age and I was planning to stay with him in the class, but when he saw the blankets and stuffed animals laid out on the floor he figured they were going to be taking naps and said he would rather take a nap at home. The teacher explained that they are just going to sit on them today because the lesson was on the Sabbath being the day of rest.
There was no convincing him. I didn't mind that he didn't want to stay, although it would have been nice to talk to the hot dad that said he was staying with his daughter too. Oh, well. We went to Marie calendar's and had the breakfast buffet instead. Mmm Mmm.
The next Sunday Guy didn't want to go to church and I didn't feel it was worth fighting him over. We were already having a morning battle the other 5 days of the week. So we held our own church services at home. I pumped up some dance music on my computer and started dancing around the house. Then we took turns running and jumping and leaping across the carpet.
I must say, it sure got my Spirits Up!
We followed him to the Christian Fellowship church in Murray. The services started in this carpeted auditorium complete with a stage and a sound and tech room in the back. When the door opened to the room the music filled my soul and I felt feelings that I had always identified as The Spirit. Most of the audience was seated or standing in front of their seats with their arms in the air and palms up as if it were raining and they were catching the rain drops in their hands. Then there were others between the seats and the stage who were standing, swaying, subtly dancing, waving taffeta flags, kneeling and even laying on the floor. The majority of the audience was singing along to the band (complete with drums and electric guitars) on the stage. It was light Christian Rock, which I can't say I am familiar with, but I would describe it as such.
Guy was anxious to go after a few minutes, but I talked him into staying to the end. He coaxed me to come with him up in the front where our landord was who was doing his interpretive dance (he was dancing more with his arms than his legs, just making patterns and such to the music). We stood behind him and I was tapping my feet and probably swaying a little.
They offered the sacrament with wine and tiny bits of bread or such. We didn't take any, I was feeling shy I guess or just unsure of what my feelings are on the whole thing, so we just watched.
After the first hour they broke out into classes. I took Guy to the class for his age and I was planning to stay with him in the class, but when he saw the blankets and stuffed animals laid out on the floor he figured they were going to be taking naps and said he would rather take a nap at home. The teacher explained that they are just going to sit on them today because the lesson was on the Sabbath being the day of rest.
There was no convincing him. I didn't mind that he didn't want to stay, although it would have been nice to talk to the hot dad that said he was staying with his daughter too. Oh, well. We went to Marie calendar's and had the breakfast buffet instead. Mmm Mmm.
The next Sunday Guy didn't want to go to church and I didn't feel it was worth fighting him over. We were already having a morning battle the other 5 days of the week. So we held our own church services at home. I pumped up some dance music on my computer and started dancing around the house. Then we took turns running and jumping and leaping across the carpet.
I must say, it sure got my Spirits Up!
From Devil to Angel
Guy was having a really tough time with the move. From the moment I picked him up from preschool till the moment he fell asleep we were fighting and arguing. He was nasty and rebellious and fought me for the sake of fighting and over the stupidest things. He would scratch or kick or hit me if I didn't give him the answer he wanted. One night he grabbed a hold of my watch and pulled it so that the elastic broke and pearls went scattering all over the room.
I hated having to yell at him and spank him or drag him into the bedroom, but I knew I had to remain strong. At the same time I tried to show sympathy for him because I know he was missing Frank and Grandma and Grandpa and all his friends at preschool and getting used to a new place. I would ask him how he is feeling and I tried to be understanding. We made several visits to my parents and they came here on a couple of Saturdays to help me get things in order in the apartment.
The Primary put on a neighborhood parade with Heros as the theme. We got him a Bat Man costume and brought his batman car from my parents' house so he could drive it in the parade. I told him he would not get to wear the costume if he couldn't behave. Grandma and Grandpa came up to see him in the parade, but they arrived just in time to see him throw one of his worst fits ever so he did not get to wear the costume in the parade. Instead, we caught the tail end of the parade and followed it to the park and had a good time there where we showed G&P the baseball diamond and the fishing pond.
Finally, after three weeks of this behavior he told me one night as we were laying in bed about to go to sleep that he has four girlfriends at preschool. He said that he kissed one of them and the teacher saw them and it was funny.
I could see that he was starting to make some friends at preschool and his behavior at home was improving. After a month now he is like an angel. He is more obedient than he was before we moved. When I ask him to do something he just says, "OK, Mom" and he actually does it!
He spent last Saturday with Grandpa going fishing and shopping at Cabela's. Grandpa was happy to report that he did not throw one fit! Previously, there would have been at least one incident or scene.
I am so happy to have my best friend, cuddle buddy, Guy Smiley back =)
I hated having to yell at him and spank him or drag him into the bedroom, but I knew I had to remain strong. At the same time I tried to show sympathy for him because I know he was missing Frank and Grandma and Grandpa and all his friends at preschool and getting used to a new place. I would ask him how he is feeling and I tried to be understanding. We made several visits to my parents and they came here on a couple of Saturdays to help me get things in order in the apartment.
The Primary put on a neighborhood parade with Heros as the theme. We got him a Bat Man costume and brought his batman car from my parents' house so he could drive it in the parade. I told him he would not get to wear the costume if he couldn't behave. Grandma and Grandpa came up to see him in the parade, but they arrived just in time to see him throw one of his worst fits ever so he did not get to wear the costume in the parade. Instead, we caught the tail end of the parade and followed it to the park and had a good time there where we showed G&P the baseball diamond and the fishing pond.
Finally, after three weeks of this behavior he told me one night as we were laying in bed about to go to sleep that he has four girlfriends at preschool. He said that he kissed one of them and the teacher saw them and it was funny.
I could see that he was starting to make some friends at preschool and his behavior at home was improving. After a month now he is like an angel. He is more obedient than he was before we moved. When I ask him to do something he just says, "OK, Mom" and he actually does it!
He spent last Saturday with Grandpa going fishing and shopping at Cabela's. Grandpa was happy to report that he did not throw one fit! Previously, there would have been at least one incident or scene.
I am so happy to have my best friend, cuddle buddy, Guy Smiley back =)
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Moving Day
Guy and I woke up early after staying at my new apartment to go pick up the Uhaul that my friend rented for me. We drove the truck to my parents' house where we were greeting by my dad. His big question was, "[Trixie], WHAT is going on?"
"I told you yesterday. I found this great deal on an apartment and I want to move out to have a place of my own and some independence again."
"So, this doesn't have anything to do with a guy or anything? You're not shacking up with someone? Because it just seems a little suspicious how you made such a hasty decision and you stayed over there without bringing any bedding or anything else."
"No, I told you, he already had a bed there that he set up for Guy and I. I have been contemplating moving out for some time now, but I just didn't have the opportunity financially. This will be closer to my work and it's a killer deal so I didn't want to let it go."
"OK, well that's a relief because it's not unheard of, you know. Your cousin Jamie is and Dayna did."
"What, Dayna did? But she's married"... (and in the temple although they are no longer active).
"Well, never mind about that." my dad said. I still don't understand how or when that happened, but then again I don't keep in touch with her although it sounds like a good idea now for some reason.
My mom called a short while after that to also find out the answer to the big question. I heard my dad telling her, "No, she's not shacking up with some guy, just her Guy," followed by a relieved laugh.
I was glad he and Aaron were around to help me load up the truck with all of my stuff that day.
We met for lunch and Kari came along. She often keeps a book with her that she is reading. Well today, coincidently she had with her: In Quiet Desperation, which is about a young man who committed suicide at a church building because of his struggle with being a member and his same-gender attraction.
Of course, this opened up a discussion which was an opportunity for Kari to help resolve my issue on the subject. After talking with her privately later, I suspect it is her that must have had more of an issue on the subject than I ever have. She wasn't able to speak the words, but she led me to believe that she herself has struggled with same-gender attraction and this book has helped her understand her plight.
"I told you yesterday. I found this great deal on an apartment and I want to move out to have a place of my own and some independence again."
"So, this doesn't have anything to do with a guy or anything? You're not shacking up with someone? Because it just seems a little suspicious how you made such a hasty decision and you stayed over there without bringing any bedding or anything else."
"No, I told you, he already had a bed there that he set up for Guy and I. I have been contemplating moving out for some time now, but I just didn't have the opportunity financially. This will be closer to my work and it's a killer deal so I didn't want to let it go."
"OK, well that's a relief because it's not unheard of, you know. Your cousin Jamie is and Dayna did."
"What, Dayna did? But she's married"... (and in the temple although they are no longer active).
"Well, never mind about that." my dad said. I still don't understand how or when that happened, but then again I don't keep in touch with her although it sounds like a good idea now for some reason.
My mom called a short while after that to also find out the answer to the big question. I heard my dad telling her, "No, she's not shacking up with some guy, just her Guy," followed by a relieved laugh.
I was glad he and Aaron were around to help me load up the truck with all of my stuff that day.
We met for lunch and Kari came along. She often keeps a book with her that she is reading. Well today, coincidently she had with her: In Quiet Desperation, which is about a young man who committed suicide at a church building because of his struggle with being a member and his same-gender attraction.
Of course, this opened up a discussion which was an opportunity for Kari to help resolve my issue on the subject. After talking with her privately later, I suspect it is her that must have had more of an issue on the subject than I ever have. She wasn't able to speak the words, but she led me to believe that she herself has struggled with same-gender attraction and this book has helped her understand her plight.
The Secret is out
My phone rang from the pocket of my overalls as I was trying to fall asleep on my back in the single bed next to Guy. It was my brother. I had an idea what he would be calling about. He had just been informed by my ex-fiance that I was no longer going to church, that I had been dating a non-member, I wasn't always wearing my garments and I suspect that he may have divulged another secret that my brother didn't admit to.
My brother called to find out if what he had heard was true. I give him credit for coming to the source in search of the truth instead of taking Frank's word for it.
We talked for an hour until my phone died. He mostly wanted to let me know that he among other are concerned for me etc. He also asked me what my concerns are with the church. I shared some major points that came to mind like practicing of what they called 'Blood Atonement' in the early days of the church which was basically cold murder and totaly misinterpreted the purpose of Jesus Christ's Atonement, the contradictions of the BoM and the Bible and the lack of physical evidence to support the BoM and the geographical evidence that supports that he made up the story using the names of cities near by and stole portions of the story from another book he read, the castration of a young man who refused to give up his bride-to-be to a Bishop who already had over a dozen wives, the fact that there were actually more men than women in the church durring the time of polygamy (that was the only way I was able to previously justify polygamy in my own mind, by thinking that there were all these single mothers with no one to help support their families), the former treatment by the church towards blacks and gays, the similarities of the temple ordinances and the Free Masons plus the so called sacred penalties that were removed from the ordinance after a survey conducted by the church among the members who had attended the temple to find out how they felt about their experience in the temple and if and why they had not returned.....I may have mentioned a few other issues I have to him.
My brother had already made up his mind that he would try to resolve all of my issues with the church. He believes there must be an explanation to all of it so he asked me the question, "If you were to learn that the church is true, what would you do about it?"
Of course I told him that I would live my life accordingly. He was glad to know that I am interested in the truth. The problem is, I just don't believe that I will find it among the Mormons. Their so called "Truths" are based on Faith. A scientist cannot submit a new Law until he thoroughly tests his hypothysis and provides physical evidence. Even Jesus Christ understood that need. He came back to show his hands and feet as evidence that he had been resurrected. Where is the proof that any of the BoM ever existed? Where are the ruins or the bones of all of the thousands that died in the great battle? Where are these gold plates?
I'm sorry to be a sceptic, but I cannot go back to that way of thinking, of following in blind faith. Although I tried, God I tried, and maybe I was even close to being married in the temple but it seemed like a carrot on a string, so close that I could almost taste it and it was being passed from one guy to another and I would turn and run in whatever direction it was going or even in circles trying to reach it. The game got old and I realized that I don't even like carrots that much anyway.
Aaron was on a mission now to find answers to any and all of my questions and concers about the church. Kari aparently, has done some heavy questioning of the church while she was in college and knows a professor who seems to have all the answers. Aaron was sure that he would be a good source.
Aaron committed me to send him an email listing all of my concerns and citing all my sources from the internet.
I don't think I could find half of them again and I really didn't have the time to be concerned with trivial things but I told him I would. He is still waiting for that email, though I have at least gathered some previous posts from here that I thought would be helpful.
I was suspicious that they might have been reading my blog so I have been a little shy about what I share on here. I know now by their surprise that they obviously have not been reading. I don't know if this will enspire them to or not. I know I sent them the link when I first started my blog, not knowing that I would later wish to keep it private from them.
I asked him if he was planning to tell our parents. He felt like he couldn't hold them back much longer because of their suspisions about me moving out. I didn't see how that had anything to do with it all, but that is when my phone died.
My brother called to find out if what he had heard was true. I give him credit for coming to the source in search of the truth instead of taking Frank's word for it.
We talked for an hour until my phone died. He mostly wanted to let me know that he among other are concerned for me etc. He also asked me what my concerns are with the church. I shared some major points that came to mind like practicing of what they called 'Blood Atonement' in the early days of the church which was basically cold murder and totaly misinterpreted the purpose of Jesus Christ's Atonement, the contradictions of the BoM and the Bible and the lack of physical evidence to support the BoM and the geographical evidence that supports that he made up the story using the names of cities near by and stole portions of the story from another book he read, the castration of a young man who refused to give up his bride-to-be to a Bishop who already had over a dozen wives, the fact that there were actually more men than women in the church durring the time of polygamy (that was the only way I was able to previously justify polygamy in my own mind, by thinking that there were all these single mothers with no one to help support their families), the former treatment by the church towards blacks and gays, the similarities of the temple ordinances and the Free Masons plus the so called sacred penalties that were removed from the ordinance after a survey conducted by the church among the members who had attended the temple to find out how they felt about their experience in the temple and if and why they had not returned.....I may have mentioned a few other issues I have to him.
My brother had already made up his mind that he would try to resolve all of my issues with the church. He believes there must be an explanation to all of it so he asked me the question, "If you were to learn that the church is true, what would you do about it?"
Of course I told him that I would live my life accordingly. He was glad to know that I am interested in the truth. The problem is, I just don't believe that I will find it among the Mormons. Their so called "Truths" are based on Faith. A scientist cannot submit a new Law until he thoroughly tests his hypothysis and provides physical evidence. Even Jesus Christ understood that need. He came back to show his hands and feet as evidence that he had been resurrected. Where is the proof that any of the BoM ever existed? Where are the ruins or the bones of all of the thousands that died in the great battle? Where are these gold plates?
I'm sorry to be a sceptic, but I cannot go back to that way of thinking, of following in blind faith. Although I tried, God I tried, and maybe I was even close to being married in the temple but it seemed like a carrot on a string, so close that I could almost taste it and it was being passed from one guy to another and I would turn and run in whatever direction it was going or even in circles trying to reach it. The game got old and I realized that I don't even like carrots that much anyway.
Aaron was on a mission now to find answers to any and all of my questions and concers about the church. Kari aparently, has done some heavy questioning of the church while she was in college and knows a professor who seems to have all the answers. Aaron was sure that he would be a good source.
Aaron committed me to send him an email listing all of my concerns and citing all my sources from the internet.
I don't think I could find half of them again and I really didn't have the time to be concerned with trivial things but I told him I would. He is still waiting for that email, though I have at least gathered some previous posts from here that I thought would be helpful.
I was suspicious that they might have been reading my blog so I have been a little shy about what I share on here. I know now by their surprise that they obviously have not been reading. I don't know if this will enspire them to or not. I know I sent them the link when I first started my blog, not knowing that I would later wish to keep it private from them.
I asked him if he was planning to tell our parents. He felt like he couldn't hold them back much longer because of their suspisions about me moving out. I didn't see how that had anything to do with it all, but that is when my phone died.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Trixie the Accountant?
I registered at this temp agency after I lost my last job. A process I have done many many times, but never have I taken so many program and skills tests on the computer, 6 in all. I mentioned all the software programs that I have used and they happened to have a test for this accounting one. When I say used, I use the term very lightly. All I did was put a few letters in one cell on a few hundred accounts. But I took their test and I guessed on the answers well enough that I scored higher than all 7 other people who had tested for it in that city. Crazy. So, they were convinced that I would do well at an accounting job.
I have always kind of steared clear of accounting and banking because it makes me nervous to be responsible for other people's money.
I took an accounting job in spite of my fears. My job is to review the expense reports and enter them in the system. I guess I caught on pretty quickly, it's fairly easy but does take some brain power and problem solving skills. I actually enjoy it.
The company was just recently bought out so there is a temporary hiring freeze. My took the job as temp to perm. I think they would like to hire me, it will be a matter of whether they are able to. I hope if and when they do hire me it will come with a pay raise.
I have always kind of steared clear of accounting and banking because it makes me nervous to be responsible for other people's money.
I took an accounting job in spite of my fears. My job is to review the expense reports and enter them in the system. I guess I caught on pretty quickly, it's fairly easy but does take some brain power and problem solving skills. I actually enjoy it.
The company was just recently bought out so there is a temporary hiring freeze. My took the job as temp to perm. I think they would like to hire me, it will be a matter of whether they are able to. I hope if and when they do hire me it will come with a pay raise.
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