It only took a few minutes of a couple of videos to convince me that there are a lot of animals being tortured in the World. Enough so, that not only have I chosen to not eat meat, but I am working on cutting out dairy and eggs too. I knew it would be a challenge and I didn't want to starve in the first week, so I am taking it slowly as I relearn what to eat. It will be very inconvenient and will require more preparation on my part and likely more money too, but I feel it is a worthy cause.
Certainly more worthy than all the effor that the church put into their petitions against redefining the family. I was puzzled at an email that I received from a friend who is a member of the church. The email made the statement that this will greatly affect our families... etc. How the Hell would something like that affect me, a straight person? I already have the right to mary a man. The people that it will affect are those that didn't have the right to marry whom they choose, ie: the homosexuals. Why should I be so determined to deprive them of their rights?
I can see myself getting carried away with this animal loving wave I am on. I have never really been "into" animals. I'm not a cat or dog or horse lover. I've had several pets including; cats, dogs, birds, frogs, fish, a crab, a rat and currently a mouse (who is going to be set free in the very near future or maybe after winter is over), but I've never been more than slightly attached to them.
But when I see images of deformed animals who are tortured and abused from the time of their birth and who never even see the sunlight or given an opportunity to live a natural life it makes me sick to my stomach and I cry for them.
It's not just farm animals who are tortured, circus elephants and other performing animals are regularly abused with a sharp hook to tear their skin or a sharp hammer at the back of their knees or an electric prod on their privates. I remember learning of a case against some circus for animal abuse. The source of the news was my father and it was translated to me like, "Oh, the poor animal, so what if it's standing in it's own phesis, they would do the same in the wild..."
My father enjoys hunting. He doesn't go all that often, but he enjoys the sport of it. He does his best to make sure that a fish or dear etc is put to death as quickly and painlessly as possible, as he does not enjoy torturing animals, just killing them, if that can be rationalized.
Guy likes to go fishing with Grandpa and he went this last weekend and caught a few fish. Maybe next time I could suggest that they just watch the fish and feed them crumbs or something. Oh, and sorry Honey, but we won't be going to the Circus this year. We'll find an animal-cruelty-free activity to replace it with like picketing outside the Circus :) hmm, that could be fun.
The delema that I was having was deciding how much control I would have on what Guy eats. He likes meat and he is a growing boy and I don't think he would eat much of my lame vegan cooking, since I haven't started that yet, he would starve and the few things I have bought he has turned up his nose to. I think I have decided the best thing to do is to just have alternatives available for him at home and let him eat what he wants otherwise.
I feel better already about my new diet. I made the decision a couple of weeks ago and I like that I am putting more natural/back to basics/whole foods in my body. I look forward to improved and lasting health.
So....Chin Chin! (Cheers, for Italians) *raise my glass of chocolate Soy Milk* gulp, aahhh!
Sunday, September 24, 2006
A Common Bond
I just got back from the Sunday dinner at my parents' house. It has become habit now that Guy gets dropped off at the G parent's house on Saturday afternoon and stays over to go to church with them. I come back down on Sunday afternoon, have dinner, do laundry and we go home.
My father is from
Today was the first time that they have come down from
He told me I'm just cute as a button. (The things relatives say) ;) He also said I look healthy and happy so he wanted to know if I am doing anything differently. I mentioned that I have been a vegetarian since May and that I am working on cutting out dairy and eggs too. He asked if I had lost weight from that, but the truth is I was gaining in the beginning, but have lost that back again now.
He wanted to know my reasoning for the change in lifestyle. I told him that is was initially for better health, but after seeing a few videos of the horrible treatment of the animals my reasons are now for the sake of the cruel treatment that an animal suffers just to become my dinner and ultimately my poop. OK, those weren't my words, but they are the words of a kid I had a short lived friendship with. He is a bit too radical for me, but I respect the messages he is sending.
My two cousins came out to join us at this point. They all had KFC for dinner. So we were discussing the value of the lives of the chickens that became their food. In my mind I was picturing the vivid visuals from the film clips I watched of chickens who get their beaks ground down shortly after birth, then shoved into these cramped cages where they can't even spread their wings, then pumped full of steroids so that they become so large that their legs won't even hold them up and then get shat on by other birds. then they get drug by their necks and hung by their feet to be scalded alive and now featherless before they are finally put out of their misery. My uncle's reasoning is that at least they had a life. He asked if I were a chicken would I want to at least be able to live rather than to never be born. I quickly answered that I would rather not be born. That is not life, that is a living hell! Their purpose in live is to get fat and die, tasting pain and suffering from the moment of birth.
No thank you. I would rather remain a spirit chicken than come to earth for two months of torture. Don't even get me started on how they skin the animals alive to make fur coats, then just tossed their bloody living carcass aside as if it's already garbage. The animal is still alive for God's sake! What a pretty picture the media paints over the truth about where our food and clothing comes from. If you need more just go here http://www.peta.org/
I meant to save that rant for another post. I actually remained pretty vague about it all in our discussion so as not to gross them all out while they were eating.
I went in to get a plate of food for Guy and my other uncle was in the kitchen too and said that all the cool people were eating outside while he had been eating in the dining room. He came outside to be with the cool people too. I felt like I had been invited into their outcast club. There we were, we had managed to segregate ourselves from the active members. I have never seen that happen at other family gatherings with the same group of people. My uncle was making some comment about denial because we had just been talking about X, when my dad came out with the rest of them and took a seat right behind us. My dad told me not to pay any attention to what he was saying because he is a rebel. My uncle said, "Well so is she. She's just now coming around." My dad tried hard to laugh as he got up and walked away. I wished I had the words to make it better for my dad, but none came to mind.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
My Personal Progress Report
I love the contradiction in still belonging to the LDS web ring and being on the exmormon glog roll. I get a hit from the LDS web ring maybe twice a year and the exmormon blog roll brings at least 10 new visitors a day. I think I secretly hope that someone from the LDS web ring will happen upon my blog and something they read will cause them to think question their beliefs.
I'm still unsure about where exactly my own personal beliefs are. For example, I don't know where I stand with Christ right now or even the Bible for that matter. I believe that it is true historically, but there are many things in the Old Testimant that I seriously doubt happened. I don't want to cut and paste the parts that I like and make a collage from it. I want to either be able to accept it as it is or toss it all out.
Can one thing be true for one person and not for another person? In some ways, I think YES. In my period of searching, I read many people's near death experiences. They could more aptly be named tastes of death. In any case, I read from the experiences of a man who hadn't actually tasted death himself but he has had many out of body experiences and he travels to other places in time and space while his spirit is out of it's body. I read about a time that he visited person's personal Hell. I am including his full version of it. I realize it's lengthy, but I couldn't decide what to cut.
I'm still unsure about where exactly my own personal beliefs are. For example, I don't know where I stand with Christ right now or even the Bible for that matter. I believe that it is true historically, but there are many things in the Old Testimant that I seriously doubt happened. I don't want to cut and paste the parts that I like and make a collage from it. I want to either be able to accept it as it is or toss it all out.
Can one thing be true for one person and not for another person? In some ways, I think YES. In my period of searching, I read many people's near death experiences. They could more aptly be named tastes of death. In any case, I read from the experiences of a man who hadn't actually tasted death himself but he has had many out of body experiences and he travels to other places in time and space while his spirit is out of it's body. I read about a time that he visited person's personal Hell. I am including his full version of it. I realize it's lengthy, but I couldn't decide what to cut.
It began when I woke up to see that I was in some huge city, and there was some poor lost soul wandering the streets, utterly clueless about anything at all. No car, no possessions, as if he just materialized there out of the air! in a way, I see, he DID just that, in a sense as the scenery, as this dream unfolds, appears to be not of any city on this earthplane!!
I could tell that by the "magical" way that machines operate, the "fluidness" of how the scenery changes.... "cartoonlike"! but this was no cartoon! A
"real world". Full of people too, and the streets stretched off to the horizon, endlessly. I followed this guy as he stumbled from one "reality neighborhood" to another, areas of the city that
seemed to have a specialty.
There was a section of square miles that looked like a "ghetto" and everyone there, all 10,000+ people, where doing drugs. in fact every single shop sells
drugs of one kind or another, out in the open as if everything were utterly legal!
Between the shops were many many bars and and pubs and
dance places. The streets were packed with people all high on something. then there was the Zone where there were hundreds and hundreds of rug shops and stalls
where only oriental rugs were sold. All of the people there looked "middle eastern". then there was a area of blocks and blocks of nothing but bookstores and open bookstalls as if there never ever was rain there. Packed with people of course.
the Industrial zone was next, miles and miles of foundries and pipes. Somehow he got with a band of
motorcyclists who got him out into a kind of countryside, a countryside that seemed not to obey the
rules of nature and of the earth! Funny skies and roads to nowhere and to everywheres!
[poor guy. He must have died and he must have been one
of the residents of my, or another, senior resident place. Maybe 80 years old and very very conservative,
stuck in the 1950s in mindset and then 'against"
everything of the modern age. Not a Christian of course, no soul life at all.
Perhaps a retired engineer or maybe a business person.
Now he died and went to a Low Place in the afterlife,
and the Guides will let him COOK in this astral hell
for a bit of time! There might not have been a bit of
any kind of "preparation" for the afterlife, and he
might have "gone down hard" at the end of his life, a bitter old man, seeing how the 2000s are nothing but bad..Angry and obstinate!]
so here is now is, near the end of this dream. Standing next to yet *another* neiborhood of thousands and thousands of people who share a mindset. Lost. Bewildered. Not even knowing the name of the place that he stands in and no one to help him, to be the Authority for His Choices, like when he was alive!
[in WW II, one Obeyed authority, you could die in 10) seconds on the battlefield if you thought for yourself! In the 1944 civilian life, you placed your family, your town, your country first and you came utterly last!
So as this generation grows older, they would like a leader-figure to make all of the choices in life for them, let others do the thinkings for them.]
lost, utterly lost, no way to find a leader here. Everything that he denies in life seems to be all that
there is, here, with a cast of 200,000!
well....He finds out soon enough what *this* neiborhood is all about!
Homo men! Hundreds of shops and hundreds of partybars
and Clubs. The streets are packed body to body with
thousands of homo men and mostly naked. Suddenly, a whole block or two or three, of the gay residents, see him standing just outside of this area! They rush
up to him. As this dream ends, I see that he is mobbed by thousands of homo men, his hetrosexuality will very very soon be gone, against his will, as 3000 gay men de-flower him and make him one of their own, probably for years and years....A never-ending ORGY!
I'm not sure where I was going with this post except to say that I do not claim to know all the answers and that that is ok. I think there is great comfort to being a member of the church because it gives a sense of security that the church has all the answers for us to the age old questions of; Who are we? What are we doing here? Where are we going? What is the purpose of life? etc.
I have been told by a few people who have experienced the contrast of being active in the church and being inactive. They have shared how their lives were empty and meaningless when they were inactive and now that they are going to church again, they have purpose in life and goals and they feel peace in their lives.
I believe they were unhappy while inactive because they either filled their void with the wrong kinds of influences or all of those Primary lessons, and scriptures or temple movies have affected their subconcious so that they still believe that they cannot be happy unless they are living the way the church suggests.
Not only that, but like the example of the man in his personal hell, it is so much easier to let some one else do the thinking for us. If it does go all awry, we have someone else to blame besides ourselves.
Friday, September 15, 2006
"We Need to Talk"
Those are words I dread when coming from my mother, and usually anyone.
The only time I actually discussed my leaving the church with either of my parents was on a Saturday when my dad had gone fishing and I went to my parent's house to do some laundry. My mother met up with us for lunch first.
I remember being especially tired that day and I laid down on the couch to rest when my mom came in and said, "We need to talk, if you are up to it."
She kind of had me cornered. No I wasn't really up to it, but it had been put off long enough I suppose. My mother had some questions for me about some of the changes taking place in my life.
I knew my brother had told them. Apparently he didn't waste any time either because the day after I moved, I went down to their house to pick up a few things and on the back of the list that my mother and I made she had written a couple of spiritual thoughts and she sent home an Ensign with me.
A couple of weeks had passed since then and they seemed to be coping with it well, at least in my presence. I think I hoped that I would never have to explain it to them, but I expect this isn't the last time it will come up. I don't feel like I really need to justify it to them, but I think it's fair to answer a few questions for them.
The questions she asked me that day were...What made you decide to stop going to church? Do you still believe in prayer? So, you don't believe in the power of the Priesthood? What about all the wonderful people that you taught on you mission, you don't believe in the things you taught them anymore? What do you plan to do with your church records? Will you allow Guy to go to church?
I did my best to appease her without offending her while still being open minded yet firm in my newly established beliefs. I explained briefly to her about my experiences with answers to prayers and that I believe there is a source of power that we are all entitled to. I told her I have not plans to remove my records from the church so far and that it was fine if Guy wants to attend church with them some time, but I won't be taking him. She thought I should let him go with the kids in the neighborhood. I was not too keen on the idea because I felt it would raise questions in the minds of the other kids regarding why Guy's mother and father don't go to church. Perhaps this is a selfish reason, but I don't feel like Guy needs to be judged or singled out from his friends since he is already well aware that he doesn't have a dad and the other kids do.
We talked for maybe 30 minutes and then she let me be. I feel for them because I know that they must feel like they are loosing their daughter in the after life. I'm glad they are still able to accept me for who I am, I hope. They have helped me out a lot with getting me moved and fixing up my place and I am very thankful to them for it.
The only time I actually discussed my leaving the church with either of my parents was on a Saturday when my dad had gone fishing and I went to my parent's house to do some laundry. My mother met up with us for lunch first.
I remember being especially tired that day and I laid down on the couch to rest when my mom came in and said, "We need to talk, if you are up to it."
She kind of had me cornered. No I wasn't really up to it, but it had been put off long enough I suppose. My mother had some questions for me about some of the changes taking place in my life.
I knew my brother had told them. Apparently he didn't waste any time either because the day after I moved, I went down to their house to pick up a few things and on the back of the list that my mother and I made she had written a couple of spiritual thoughts and she sent home an Ensign with me.
A couple of weeks had passed since then and they seemed to be coping with it well, at least in my presence. I think I hoped that I would never have to explain it to them, but I expect this isn't the last time it will come up. I don't feel like I really need to justify it to them, but I think it's fair to answer a few questions for them.
The questions she asked me that day were...What made you decide to stop going to church? Do you still believe in prayer? So, you don't believe in the power of the Priesthood? What about all the wonderful people that you taught on you mission, you don't believe in the things you taught them anymore? What do you plan to do with your church records? Will you allow Guy to go to church?
I did my best to appease her without offending her while still being open minded yet firm in my newly established beliefs. I explained briefly to her about my experiences with answers to prayers and that I believe there is a source of power that we are all entitled to. I told her I have not plans to remove my records from the church so far and that it was fine if Guy wants to attend church with them some time, but I won't be taking him. She thought I should let him go with the kids in the neighborhood. I was not too keen on the idea because I felt it would raise questions in the minds of the other kids regarding why Guy's mother and father don't go to church. Perhaps this is a selfish reason, but I don't feel like Guy needs to be judged or singled out from his friends since he is already well aware that he doesn't have a dad and the other kids do.
We talked for maybe 30 minutes and then she let me be. I feel for them because I know that they must feel like they are loosing their daughter in the after life. I'm glad they are still able to accept me for who I am, I hope. They have helped me out a lot with getting me moved and fixing up my place and I am very thankful to them for it.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Guy's Fourth Birthday Part-ly
Guy turned another year older last month. His birthday came just a few weeks after we moved, which didn't give him much time to make new friends to invite to his party. We were discussing who we would invite and the first two people he mentioned were Frank and X. I tried to let him down genly by telling him that neither of them will be able to come. I hadn't hearf from X in months and Frank has been acting like a psycho path. I could tell Guy's feelings were hurt pretty badly. From then on his attitude changed as if he felt like no one liked him.
One is his real dad and the other one wanted more than anything to at least be able to pretend to be his dad and loved hearing him call him that. I hope I can find a MAN that can step up to the plate and deserve to called Guy's dad.
I made an effort to pass out invitations to his class at his new preschool and I talked to a couple of the mothers of his friends in his old neighborhood. I figured only a few would show up, but I figured they would have so much fun at the park that he wouldn't notice.
I got a smiley face piniata and blew up some balloons. Grandma brought a cake and Grandpa hung the piniata in the tree. Then we all played frisbee while waiting for some guests to arrive.
Since the rain clouds got there first, we decided to go ahead and let Guy start swinging at the yellow smiley face with the stick. Man did he wack that thing hard. He beat it to a bloody, er card board pulp till it burst open and spilled the candy and toys.
We gathered them up quickly as we felt rain drops trickling through the trees. We watched him quickly unwrap his presents as the rain began to pick up. We opted to go move the party to our house to have some cake.
On the way home, the rain came pooring down. Then I thought at first that there was a truck kicking up rocks on our windshield, then I realized there was no one in front of me. It had begun to Hail! So much so that we stayed in the car when we got to our house and waited for it to cease. The hail finally stopped, but the rain didn't. We dodged into the house with the cake and presents. I was in my baithing suit and a little cover up so I was particularly cold. It wasn't a nice warm summer rain. It was a mean ole' cold one right out of the month of November.
After having some cake, Guy wanted to try out his new squirt guns he got from Grandpa. One has a face guard and everything. They filled up the guns and took them outside. When they ran out of water they started throwing hail balls!
One is his real dad and the other one wanted more than anything to at least be able to pretend to be his dad and loved hearing him call him that. I hope I can find a MAN that can step up to the plate and deserve to called Guy's dad.
I made an effort to pass out invitations to his class at his new preschool and I talked to a couple of the mothers of his friends in his old neighborhood. I figured only a few would show up, but I figured they would have so much fun at the park that he wouldn't notice.
I got a smiley face piniata and blew up some balloons. Grandma brought a cake and Grandpa hung the piniata in the tree. Then we all played frisbee while waiting for some guests to arrive.
Since the rain clouds got there first, we decided to go ahead and let Guy start swinging at the yellow smiley face with the stick. Man did he wack that thing hard. He beat it to a bloody, er card board pulp till it burst open and spilled the candy and toys.
We gathered them up quickly as we felt rain drops trickling through the trees. We watched him quickly unwrap his presents as the rain began to pick up. We opted to go move the party to our house to have some cake.
On the way home, the rain came pooring down. Then I thought at first that there was a truck kicking up rocks on our windshield, then I realized there was no one in front of me. It had begun to Hail! So much so that we stayed in the car when we got to our house and waited for it to cease. The hail finally stopped, but the rain didn't. We dodged into the house with the cake and presents. I was in my baithing suit and a little cover up so I was particularly cold. It wasn't a nice warm summer rain. It was a mean ole' cold one right out of the month of November.
After having some cake, Guy wanted to try out his new squirt guns he got from Grandpa. One has a face guard and everything. They filled up the guns and took them outside. When they ran out of water they started throwing hail balls!
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
The Church of Song and Dance
A few days after I moved in, my landlord mentioned to me that he does interpretive dance at his church. I was very surprised. First that he dances and second that he dances at church! He had my interest regardless of how silly it sounded. I said it sounded like my kind of church because I love to dance. He invited us to join him the following Sunday.
We followed him to the Christian Fellowship church in Murray. The services started in this carpeted auditorium complete with a stage and a sound and tech room in the back. When the door opened to the room the music filled my soul and I felt feelings that I had always identified as The Spirit. Most of the audience was seated or standing in front of their seats with their arms in the air and palms up as if it were raining and they were catching the rain drops in their hands. Then there were others between the seats and the stage who were standing, swaying, subtly dancing, waving taffeta flags, kneeling and even laying on the floor. The majority of the audience was singing along to the band (complete with drums and electric guitars) on the stage. It was light Christian Rock, which I can't say I am familiar with, but I would describe it as such.
Guy was anxious to go after a few minutes, but I talked him into staying to the end. He coaxed me to come with him up in the front where our landord was who was doing his interpretive dance (he was dancing more with his arms than his legs, just making patterns and such to the music). We stood behind him and I was tapping my feet and probably swaying a little.
They offered the sacrament with wine and tiny bits of bread or such. We didn't take any, I was feeling shy I guess or just unsure of what my feelings are on the whole thing, so we just watched.
After the first hour they broke out into classes. I took Guy to the class for his age and I was planning to stay with him in the class, but when he saw the blankets and stuffed animals laid out on the floor he figured they were going to be taking naps and said he would rather take a nap at home. The teacher explained that they are just going to sit on them today because the lesson was on the Sabbath being the day of rest.
There was no convincing him. I didn't mind that he didn't want to stay, although it would have been nice to talk to the hot dad that said he was staying with his daughter too. Oh, well. We went to Marie calendar's and had the breakfast buffet instead. Mmm Mmm.
The next Sunday Guy didn't want to go to church and I didn't feel it was worth fighting him over. We were already having a morning battle the other 5 days of the week. So we held our own church services at home. I pumped up some dance music on my computer and started dancing around the house. Then we took turns running and jumping and leaping across the carpet.
I must say, it sure got my Spirits Up!
We followed him to the Christian Fellowship church in Murray. The services started in this carpeted auditorium complete with a stage and a sound and tech room in the back. When the door opened to the room the music filled my soul and I felt feelings that I had always identified as The Spirit. Most of the audience was seated or standing in front of their seats with their arms in the air and palms up as if it were raining and they were catching the rain drops in their hands. Then there were others between the seats and the stage who were standing, swaying, subtly dancing, waving taffeta flags, kneeling and even laying on the floor. The majority of the audience was singing along to the band (complete with drums and electric guitars) on the stage. It was light Christian Rock, which I can't say I am familiar with, but I would describe it as such.
Guy was anxious to go after a few minutes, but I talked him into staying to the end. He coaxed me to come with him up in the front where our landord was who was doing his interpretive dance (he was dancing more with his arms than his legs, just making patterns and such to the music). We stood behind him and I was tapping my feet and probably swaying a little.
They offered the sacrament with wine and tiny bits of bread or such. We didn't take any, I was feeling shy I guess or just unsure of what my feelings are on the whole thing, so we just watched.
After the first hour they broke out into classes. I took Guy to the class for his age and I was planning to stay with him in the class, but when he saw the blankets and stuffed animals laid out on the floor he figured they were going to be taking naps and said he would rather take a nap at home. The teacher explained that they are just going to sit on them today because the lesson was on the Sabbath being the day of rest.
There was no convincing him. I didn't mind that he didn't want to stay, although it would have been nice to talk to the hot dad that said he was staying with his daughter too. Oh, well. We went to Marie calendar's and had the breakfast buffet instead. Mmm Mmm.
The next Sunday Guy didn't want to go to church and I didn't feel it was worth fighting him over. We were already having a morning battle the other 5 days of the week. So we held our own church services at home. I pumped up some dance music on my computer and started dancing around the house. Then we took turns running and jumping and leaping across the carpet.
I must say, it sure got my Spirits Up!
From Devil to Angel
Guy was having a really tough time with the move. From the moment I picked him up from preschool till the moment he fell asleep we were fighting and arguing. He was nasty and rebellious and fought me for the sake of fighting and over the stupidest things. He would scratch or kick or hit me if I didn't give him the answer he wanted. One night he grabbed a hold of my watch and pulled it so that the elastic broke and pearls went scattering all over the room.
I hated having to yell at him and spank him or drag him into the bedroom, but I knew I had to remain strong. At the same time I tried to show sympathy for him because I know he was missing Frank and Grandma and Grandpa and all his friends at preschool and getting used to a new place. I would ask him how he is feeling and I tried to be understanding. We made several visits to my parents and they came here on a couple of Saturdays to help me get things in order in the apartment.
The Primary put on a neighborhood parade with Heros as the theme. We got him a Bat Man costume and brought his batman car from my parents' house so he could drive it in the parade. I told him he would not get to wear the costume if he couldn't behave. Grandma and Grandpa came up to see him in the parade, but they arrived just in time to see him throw one of his worst fits ever so he did not get to wear the costume in the parade. Instead, we caught the tail end of the parade and followed it to the park and had a good time there where we showed G&P the baseball diamond and the fishing pond.
Finally, after three weeks of this behavior he told me one night as we were laying in bed about to go to sleep that he has four girlfriends at preschool. He said that he kissed one of them and the teacher saw them and it was funny.
I could see that he was starting to make some friends at preschool and his behavior at home was improving. After a month now he is like an angel. He is more obedient than he was before we moved. When I ask him to do something he just says, "OK, Mom" and he actually does it!
He spent last Saturday with Grandpa going fishing and shopping at Cabela's. Grandpa was happy to report that he did not throw one fit! Previously, there would have been at least one incident or scene.
I am so happy to have my best friend, cuddle buddy, Guy Smiley back =)
I hated having to yell at him and spank him or drag him into the bedroom, but I knew I had to remain strong. At the same time I tried to show sympathy for him because I know he was missing Frank and Grandma and Grandpa and all his friends at preschool and getting used to a new place. I would ask him how he is feeling and I tried to be understanding. We made several visits to my parents and they came here on a couple of Saturdays to help me get things in order in the apartment.
The Primary put on a neighborhood parade with Heros as the theme. We got him a Bat Man costume and brought his batman car from my parents' house so he could drive it in the parade. I told him he would not get to wear the costume if he couldn't behave. Grandma and Grandpa came up to see him in the parade, but they arrived just in time to see him throw one of his worst fits ever so he did not get to wear the costume in the parade. Instead, we caught the tail end of the parade and followed it to the park and had a good time there where we showed G&P the baseball diamond and the fishing pond.
Finally, after three weeks of this behavior he told me one night as we were laying in bed about to go to sleep that he has four girlfriends at preschool. He said that he kissed one of them and the teacher saw them and it was funny.
I could see that he was starting to make some friends at preschool and his behavior at home was improving. After a month now he is like an angel. He is more obedient than he was before we moved. When I ask him to do something he just says, "OK, Mom" and he actually does it!
He spent last Saturday with Grandpa going fishing and shopping at Cabela's. Grandpa was happy to report that he did not throw one fit! Previously, there would have been at least one incident or scene.
I am so happy to have my best friend, cuddle buddy, Guy Smiley back =)
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Moving Day
Guy and I woke up early after staying at my new apartment to go pick up the Uhaul that my friend rented for me. We drove the truck to my parents' house where we were greeting by my dad. His big question was, "[Trixie], WHAT is going on?"
"I told you yesterday. I found this great deal on an apartment and I want to move out to have a place of my own and some independence again."
"So, this doesn't have anything to do with a guy or anything? You're not shacking up with someone? Because it just seems a little suspicious how you made such a hasty decision and you stayed over there without bringing any bedding or anything else."
"No, I told you, he already had a bed there that he set up for Guy and I. I have been contemplating moving out for some time now, but I just didn't have the opportunity financially. This will be closer to my work and it's a killer deal so I didn't want to let it go."
"OK, well that's a relief because it's not unheard of, you know. Your cousin Jamie is and Dayna did."
"What, Dayna did? But she's married"... (and in the temple although they are no longer active).
"Well, never mind about that." my dad said. I still don't understand how or when that happened, but then again I don't keep in touch with her although it sounds like a good idea now for some reason.
My mom called a short while after that to also find out the answer to the big question. I heard my dad telling her, "No, she's not shacking up with some guy, just her Guy," followed by a relieved laugh.
I was glad he and Aaron were around to help me load up the truck with all of my stuff that day.
We met for lunch and Kari came along. She often keeps a book with her that she is reading. Well today, coincidently she had with her: In Quiet Desperation, which is about a young man who committed suicide at a church building because of his struggle with being a member and his same-gender attraction.
Of course, this opened up a discussion which was an opportunity for Kari to help resolve my issue on the subject. After talking with her privately later, I suspect it is her that must have had more of an issue on the subject than I ever have. She wasn't able to speak the words, but she led me to believe that she herself has struggled with same-gender attraction and this book has helped her understand her plight.
"I told you yesterday. I found this great deal on an apartment and I want to move out to have a place of my own and some independence again."
"So, this doesn't have anything to do with a guy or anything? You're not shacking up with someone? Because it just seems a little suspicious how you made such a hasty decision and you stayed over there without bringing any bedding or anything else."
"No, I told you, he already had a bed there that he set up for Guy and I. I have been contemplating moving out for some time now, but I just didn't have the opportunity financially. This will be closer to my work and it's a killer deal so I didn't want to let it go."
"OK, well that's a relief because it's not unheard of, you know. Your cousin Jamie is and Dayna did."
"What, Dayna did? But she's married"... (and in the temple although they are no longer active).
"Well, never mind about that." my dad said. I still don't understand how or when that happened, but then again I don't keep in touch with her although it sounds like a good idea now for some reason.
My mom called a short while after that to also find out the answer to the big question. I heard my dad telling her, "No, she's not shacking up with some guy, just her Guy," followed by a relieved laugh.
I was glad he and Aaron were around to help me load up the truck with all of my stuff that day.
We met for lunch and Kari came along. She often keeps a book with her that she is reading. Well today, coincidently she had with her: In Quiet Desperation, which is about a young man who committed suicide at a church building because of his struggle with being a member and his same-gender attraction.
Of course, this opened up a discussion which was an opportunity for Kari to help resolve my issue on the subject. After talking with her privately later, I suspect it is her that must have had more of an issue on the subject than I ever have. She wasn't able to speak the words, but she led me to believe that she herself has struggled with same-gender attraction and this book has helped her understand her plight.
The Secret is out
My phone rang from the pocket of my overalls as I was trying to fall asleep on my back in the single bed next to Guy. It was my brother. I had an idea what he would be calling about. He had just been informed by my ex-fiance that I was no longer going to church, that I had been dating a non-member, I wasn't always wearing my garments and I suspect that he may have divulged another secret that my brother didn't admit to.
My brother called to find out if what he had heard was true. I give him credit for coming to the source in search of the truth instead of taking Frank's word for it.
We talked for an hour until my phone died. He mostly wanted to let me know that he among other are concerned for me etc. He also asked me what my concerns are with the church. I shared some major points that came to mind like practicing of what they called 'Blood Atonement' in the early days of the church which was basically cold murder and totaly misinterpreted the purpose of Jesus Christ's Atonement, the contradictions of the BoM and the Bible and the lack of physical evidence to support the BoM and the geographical evidence that supports that he made up the story using the names of cities near by and stole portions of the story from another book he read, the castration of a young man who refused to give up his bride-to-be to a Bishop who already had over a dozen wives, the fact that there were actually more men than women in the church durring the time of polygamy (that was the only way I was able to previously justify polygamy in my own mind, by thinking that there were all these single mothers with no one to help support their families), the former treatment by the church towards blacks and gays, the similarities of the temple ordinances and the Free Masons plus the so called sacred penalties that were removed from the ordinance after a survey conducted by the church among the members who had attended the temple to find out how they felt about their experience in the temple and if and why they had not returned.....I may have mentioned a few other issues I have to him.
My brother had already made up his mind that he would try to resolve all of my issues with the church. He believes there must be an explanation to all of it so he asked me the question, "If you were to learn that the church is true, what would you do about it?"
Of course I told him that I would live my life accordingly. He was glad to know that I am interested in the truth. The problem is, I just don't believe that I will find it among the Mormons. Their so called "Truths" are based on Faith. A scientist cannot submit a new Law until he thoroughly tests his hypothysis and provides physical evidence. Even Jesus Christ understood that need. He came back to show his hands and feet as evidence that he had been resurrected. Where is the proof that any of the BoM ever existed? Where are the ruins or the bones of all of the thousands that died in the great battle? Where are these gold plates?
I'm sorry to be a sceptic, but I cannot go back to that way of thinking, of following in blind faith. Although I tried, God I tried, and maybe I was even close to being married in the temple but it seemed like a carrot on a string, so close that I could almost taste it and it was being passed from one guy to another and I would turn and run in whatever direction it was going or even in circles trying to reach it. The game got old and I realized that I don't even like carrots that much anyway.
Aaron was on a mission now to find answers to any and all of my questions and concers about the church. Kari aparently, has done some heavy questioning of the church while she was in college and knows a professor who seems to have all the answers. Aaron was sure that he would be a good source.
Aaron committed me to send him an email listing all of my concerns and citing all my sources from the internet.
I don't think I could find half of them again and I really didn't have the time to be concerned with trivial things but I told him I would. He is still waiting for that email, though I have at least gathered some previous posts from here that I thought would be helpful.
I was suspicious that they might have been reading my blog so I have been a little shy about what I share on here. I know now by their surprise that they obviously have not been reading. I don't know if this will enspire them to or not. I know I sent them the link when I first started my blog, not knowing that I would later wish to keep it private from them.
I asked him if he was planning to tell our parents. He felt like he couldn't hold them back much longer because of their suspisions about me moving out. I didn't see how that had anything to do with it all, but that is when my phone died.
My brother called to find out if what he had heard was true. I give him credit for coming to the source in search of the truth instead of taking Frank's word for it.
We talked for an hour until my phone died. He mostly wanted to let me know that he among other are concerned for me etc. He also asked me what my concerns are with the church. I shared some major points that came to mind like practicing of what they called 'Blood Atonement' in the early days of the church which was basically cold murder and totaly misinterpreted the purpose of Jesus Christ's Atonement, the contradictions of the BoM and the Bible and the lack of physical evidence to support the BoM and the geographical evidence that supports that he made up the story using the names of cities near by and stole portions of the story from another book he read, the castration of a young man who refused to give up his bride-to-be to a Bishop who already had over a dozen wives, the fact that there were actually more men than women in the church durring the time of polygamy (that was the only way I was able to previously justify polygamy in my own mind, by thinking that there were all these single mothers with no one to help support their families), the former treatment by the church towards blacks and gays, the similarities of the temple ordinances and the Free Masons plus the so called sacred penalties that were removed from the ordinance after a survey conducted by the church among the members who had attended the temple to find out how they felt about their experience in the temple and if and why they had not returned.....I may have mentioned a few other issues I have to him.
My brother had already made up his mind that he would try to resolve all of my issues with the church. He believes there must be an explanation to all of it so he asked me the question, "If you were to learn that the church is true, what would you do about it?"
Of course I told him that I would live my life accordingly. He was glad to know that I am interested in the truth. The problem is, I just don't believe that I will find it among the Mormons. Their so called "Truths" are based on Faith. A scientist cannot submit a new Law until he thoroughly tests his hypothysis and provides physical evidence. Even Jesus Christ understood that need. He came back to show his hands and feet as evidence that he had been resurrected. Where is the proof that any of the BoM ever existed? Where are the ruins or the bones of all of the thousands that died in the great battle? Where are these gold plates?
I'm sorry to be a sceptic, but I cannot go back to that way of thinking, of following in blind faith. Although I tried, God I tried, and maybe I was even close to being married in the temple but it seemed like a carrot on a string, so close that I could almost taste it and it was being passed from one guy to another and I would turn and run in whatever direction it was going or even in circles trying to reach it. The game got old and I realized that I don't even like carrots that much anyway.
Aaron was on a mission now to find answers to any and all of my questions and concers about the church. Kari aparently, has done some heavy questioning of the church while she was in college and knows a professor who seems to have all the answers. Aaron was sure that he would be a good source.
Aaron committed me to send him an email listing all of my concerns and citing all my sources from the internet.
I don't think I could find half of them again and I really didn't have the time to be concerned with trivial things but I told him I would. He is still waiting for that email, though I have at least gathered some previous posts from here that I thought would be helpful.
I was suspicious that they might have been reading my blog so I have been a little shy about what I share on here. I know now by their surprise that they obviously have not been reading. I don't know if this will enspire them to or not. I know I sent them the link when I first started my blog, not knowing that I would later wish to keep it private from them.
I asked him if he was planning to tell our parents. He felt like he couldn't hold them back much longer because of their suspisions about me moving out. I didn't see how that had anything to do with it all, but that is when my phone died.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Trixie the Accountant?
I registered at this temp agency after I lost my last job. A process I have done many many times, but never have I taken so many program and skills tests on the computer, 6 in all. I mentioned all the software programs that I have used and they happened to have a test for this accounting one. When I say used, I use the term very lightly. All I did was put a few letters in one cell on a few hundred accounts. But I took their test and I guessed on the answers well enough that I scored higher than all 7 other people who had tested for it in that city. Crazy. So, they were convinced that I would do well at an accounting job.
I have always kind of steared clear of accounting and banking because it makes me nervous to be responsible for other people's money.
I took an accounting job in spite of my fears. My job is to review the expense reports and enter them in the system. I guess I caught on pretty quickly, it's fairly easy but does take some brain power and problem solving skills. I actually enjoy it.
The company was just recently bought out so there is a temporary hiring freeze. My took the job as temp to perm. I think they would like to hire me, it will be a matter of whether they are able to. I hope if and when they do hire me it will come with a pay raise.
I have always kind of steared clear of accounting and banking because it makes me nervous to be responsible for other people's money.
I took an accounting job in spite of my fears. My job is to review the expense reports and enter them in the system. I guess I caught on pretty quickly, it's fairly easy but does take some brain power and problem solving skills. I actually enjoy it.
The company was just recently bought out so there is a temporary hiring freeze. My took the job as temp to perm. I think they would like to hire me, it will be a matter of whether they are able to. I hope if and when they do hire me it will come with a pay raise.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Progressively Punk Rock
Guy has been needing a haircut for a month now. I didn't have much money to take him in to get it cut, and it's almost become an emergency because he can't see through his hair hanging over his eyes, so I made the brave attempt to cut his hair.
I am not the most skilled hair cutter, but I understand the concept. Only problem was I don't have the proper tools. I had a pair of fabric scissors that had tiny teeth on them for fine materials so Guy complain about them pulling his hair. My next choice was the giant kitchen scissors. I didn't even have a regular comb, only an oversized one with 2" long teeth. (Gesh all these teeth, one would think I was chewing his hair off.)
Before I even touched his head, he started crying at the sight of me coming at him with this giant comb and giant scissors. "No, it's going to hurt, don't do it," He would tell me.
I promised him I would cut it in the form of a mohawk for him which he as been wanting since Frank suggested it last summer. I held off because I knew my dad would freak, so I figured now that we were in our own place he wouldn't have to see it as much and the complaints would be more infrequent.
I got one front section almost done when I realized I was clearly losing the battle of mind and strength. He put himself to bed and I tried to lay some guilt on him by painting a picture of all his friends laughing at him at preschool the next day because of his lopsided hair cut. He just said he can be a clown and it will be funny.
Goodness, if he isn't worried about it, I figured I shouldn't be either.
The next night I got about as far on the other side of his head when he had enough again.
Three days this haircut took! Finally, I sat him down in front of a movie where he couldn't see what I was doing in the mirror and I was actually able to finish his haircut!
(Pictures coming soon)
I am not the most skilled hair cutter, but I understand the concept. Only problem was I don't have the proper tools. I had a pair of fabric scissors that had tiny teeth on them for fine materials so Guy complain about them pulling his hair. My next choice was the giant kitchen scissors. I didn't even have a regular comb, only an oversized one with 2" long teeth. (Gesh all these teeth, one would think I was chewing his hair off.)
Before I even touched his head, he started crying at the sight of me coming at him with this giant comb and giant scissors. "No, it's going to hurt, don't do it," He would tell me.
I promised him I would cut it in the form of a mohawk for him which he as been wanting since Frank suggested it last summer. I held off because I knew my dad would freak, so I figured now that we were in our own place he wouldn't have to see it as much and the complaints would be more infrequent.
I got one front section almost done when I realized I was clearly losing the battle of mind and strength. He put himself to bed and I tried to lay some guilt on him by painting a picture of all his friends laughing at him at preschool the next day because of his lopsided hair cut. He just said he can be a clown and it will be funny.
Goodness, if he isn't worried about it, I figured I shouldn't be either.
The next night I got about as far on the other side of his head when he had enough again.
Three days this haircut took! Finally, I sat him down in front of a movie where he couldn't see what I was doing in the mirror and I was actually able to finish his haircut!
(Pictures coming soon)
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
The Dog House
I made a fast decision (knowing that the bomb was about to drop) to move out. I had been planning, and hoping and plotting to for several months now and wishing for even longer than that. It finally became a reality. Granted it's no dream home. It is a little dark and stuffy and spiders and dogs haven't been the most tidy tenants. But it's in a nice neighborhood (A Mormon Bishop on one side and some Harley riders on the other side. I thinks it's pretty ironic that I should be living between the two. The street is packed with boys Guy's age and older to play baseball, basketball, football, soccer, and whatever other game they can think of to play with balls.
Guy was excited to have dogs and he began calling it the dog house to differentiate between our house and Grandma and grandpa's house. I wasn't really fond of the new name for my cherished apartment.
The first night we stayed in the basement apartment, I could not sleep because of the dog stench. The owner has three large dogs and he has to keep one of them segregated from the other two, so he was keeping him in a cage down there. The bed we slept on was right next to another cage that also reeked. I was eager to start vacuuming up the rugs and carpet in attempt to lessen the smell. When the landlord told me that I could pull up the stained carpet in the dining area that was laid down on ceramic tile like the rest of the basement I celebrated!
I pulled all the carpet up myself. I used gloves because it was so unsanitary. I even pulled up all the tack strips by myself. Last weekend my parents came to help me get up the remaining glue from the strips and wipe down the walls.
Yesterday was the first day that I was able to walk in and not be bit in the nose by the smell of dog! Yay!!
Guy was excited to have dogs and he began calling it the dog house to differentiate between our house and Grandma and grandpa's house. I wasn't really fond of the new name for my cherished apartment.
The first night we stayed in the basement apartment, I could not sleep because of the dog stench. The owner has three large dogs and he has to keep one of them segregated from the other two, so he was keeping him in a cage down there. The bed we slept on was right next to another cage that also reeked. I was eager to start vacuuming up the rugs and carpet in attempt to lessen the smell. When the landlord told me that I could pull up the stained carpet in the dining area that was laid down on ceramic tile like the rest of the basement I celebrated!
I pulled all the carpet up myself. I used gloves because it was so unsanitary. I even pulled up all the tack strips by myself. Last weekend my parents came to help me get up the remaining glue from the strips and wipe down the walls.
Yesterday was the first day that I was able to walk in and not be bit in the nose by the smell of dog! Yay!!
Monday, July 24, 2006
Please Note the Other New Posts Below...
Texas Toast
Casual Camping
More ER Adventures With Guy Smiley
My next posts will tell about my new job and my new apartment. That's right. I finally did it!
Also, how I got off the hook from having to break the news to my parents and how they are coping.
Casual Camping
More ER Adventures With Guy Smiley
My next posts will tell about my new job and my new apartment. That's right. I finally did it!
Also, how I got off the hook from having to break the news to my parents and how they are coping.
Friday, July 21, 2006
A Frank Encounter of the Third Kind
I thought last weeks events would be difficult to top, but it proved to be easier than I realized.
For the third time in the last couple of weeks Guy became somber. When I asked him what was wrong he would tell me that he missed Frank. The other two times, I just dismissed it and tried to explain that Frank won't be coming around any more, but that he still loved and cared for him.
This time I realized it was breaking his heart and that broke mine. My parents would be out of town for the weekend, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to find out if Frank would like to have him stay over one or two night. I hadn't spoken to or emailed him for several weeks so I figured enough time had passed that things had cooled off between us that I could have a normal conversation with him. I was wrong.
He went on again about why he thinks I broke up with him. Never mind that I have given him all my reasons several times already, he still has to come up with his own that he likes better. He even thought that I had ulterior motives in calling him to see if he would like to visit with Guy. He assumed that I was desperate for a sitter because my parents were gone, so I could go out dancing or on some date. Well true, I had plans for both Friday and Saturday, but I could have easily found another sitter without calling Frank. He was the first one I called because Guy wanted to see him, but nothing I say has any validity with him. He dismisses anything I tell him. So he acted like he would be doing me a big favor and let me know that he would cancel his plans so that he could see him. I was fed up and I told him a couple of times that I wasn't going to go through with it because I didn't want to deal with his accusations and belittling.
I guess I'm a sucker because I let him talk me into allowing it. We were to meet up on Friday afternoon in NE SL. We were a little early, so we kept cool by going into TGIF and ordered some lunch. I checked my phone and found that I had missed a call from the temp agency. I was expecting to learn the results of a few job interviews I had the days prior. Sure enough, I had been offered a job with LANDesk Software. It was a temp to hire position paying $10/hr. I was a little disappointed because there was another job I interviewed for that had earlier hours and paid $2 more /hour plus 1/2 hour lunch break. When I asked them about it they told me it had been filled internally, so I probably really had no chance at that job anyway. They just had to interview some one from the outside to keep it legal probably, and that was me. So of course I took the other offer.
Our food got there just after Frank arrived. He was spacing out and couldn't even focus enough to eat. He had been working all morning/day doing some construction job. He says he hadn't had much sleep the nights before either.
I was enjoying lunch and he kept prying and asking me questions about my personal life. He wanted to know what I was up to. I wish I could remember the question that lead me to finally spill the beans to him about my not going to church any more. I had been holding back from telling him for the last three months because he was still making visits to my parents house and I didn't want him to open his big mouth about it in front of my parents or something. I had just barely told him when I got a call from this guy I have seen a few times. I would have let it go except that he called me last week and I didn't answer and never called him back. So I just picked it up to ask him if I could call him back later.
Of course this made Frank even more jealous and curious and his questioning became even more personal. I answered his question without saying anything. At this he flew off the handle. He got up and walked around the back of the table and I'm sure he saw that I wasn't wearing my garments because my shirt had inched up a bit and exposed my (gasp) SKIN! He bent over to hug Guy and he just told him over and over that he loved him as if he said it enough times it might keep his soul from burning in Hell because of his wicked mother. He said to me as the waitress replaced my lemonade, "You disgust me!" I had had enough and I told him I didn't' need to hear this from him. He disagreed and said that I did and he said it again.
I got up and grabbed my purse and ripped Guy out of his arms and started for the door. He followed behind me and I turned to him and asked if he was going or staying. If he was going I would have stayed, but when he said he didn't know I told him I was leaving and he could pay for lunch. I nearly ran to the car with Guy in my arms. He must have thrown a $20 at them because he was right behind me after I got Guy in, trying to stop me from getting in my car. I pushed on his shoulder and said excuse me to get through him and into my car. He said, "Don't touch me." He then moved out of my way for me to get in, but held the door open so I couldn't close it. We tugged it back and forth a few times. I'm surprised it didn't damage the car door. I was angry and I did what I do when I try to get Guy's attention, I clapped my hands at him and told him to let go of the door. Ha, I'm sure that was a real threat to him. Then I screamed at him to let me go. I saw him look up from me and let go of the door. I looked where he was looking and saw that one of the girls from the restaurant had come out the door and was headed straight for him.
I slammed the door and took off as fast as I could to get the Hell out of there. Of course he followed me from there too. He pulled up next to me at the stop light and started yelling at me from the window. I took a right turn into the neighborhood and he turned from the middle lane to follow me. We were approaching a red light that turned green just at I came upon it and I turned left in front of the other traffic so he couldn't follow me.
My adrenalin was going and I was paranoid about him following me. I kept looking in my rear view mirror expecting to see him turn up. Once on the freeway, Guy tells me that I forgot to put his belt on him.
The next few hours were filled with phone messages from him saying that if I don't answer he is going to show up at my parents house and how he wants me to give back anything that he gave me because I was using him and I don't deserve it. He threatened to call my parents to tell them about my leaving the church because of how much I have hurt him. I begged him not to.
He went back and forth a few times about whether or not he would tell them. I explained how I wanted to tell them myself, but I was waiting until I could be out of the house first so I didn't have to be in the house while they came to terms with it. I also preferred that hey hear it from me rather than some one like him, whom they really don't have much respect for anyway.
I didn't hear from him for a couple of days when he had finally cooled off and he apologized for yelling at me and pulling a Jerry Springer on me at the restaurant. I was looking at apartments that same day. He wanted to let me know that he still cared about me and hoped that we could be friends. I told him I didn't think we could be friends because I would always feel like he is judging me or showing pity on my when I don't want or need either, esp from him.
I had just looked at this place that was advertised as two rooms for rent in a house owned by an older gentleman. After seeing that he also had a basement with two bedrooms, a bathroom, a living area and a wet bar, I asked if we could arrange for me to rent out the basement portion of the house instead. He was cool with that and I told him I would get back to him with plans to possibly move out the upcoming weekend.
On my way home Frank called me again and starts out with, "This is hard for me to do." I knew he was about to do or say something foolish, or both. He proceeded to share the story with me again about when he used to do Crystal meth and he observed that the lady who dealt it to him had a baby that she allowed to crawl on the floor, where he was sure that it had probably found and taken some of the drugs floating around her house. He shared with me how he debated whether or not he should report her. He eventually did and he felt like it was the right thing and she did some time in jail etc.
Then he had the nerve to compare that situation to my own because he was concerned for the salvation of Guy. I was furious. I told him that was ridiculous and that there is no comparison because I am not endangering my own life or Guy's by choosing not to go to church. I guess his mind was made up. He had counseled with his sisters as to what to do and the decision was made for and in behalf of me that my parents needed to be aware of my situation because they love me.
Where was my choice in all of this? He claimed that I told him for a reason. That I wanted him to know and I was telling him as a cry for help. Give me a break!!! I told him because he kept asking for it. I had been avoiding the subject with him for three months and I was just fine with him not knowing. He said he was going to break my promise to me and tell my parents. I panicked and called the house to warn my dad that he might call, but not to listen to him. There was no answer there, so I called my mother's cell phone. She answered and I told her that Frank was at it again and that he might call her. I suggested that she just not answer his call. She was more concerned for the safety of Guy and I and not terribly surprised that he as out of control.
When I got off the phone with her, Frank called again and told me that he called my brother instead. He told me how my brother thanked him over and over again. How he said that I'm the only sister he's got then Frank filled in on how much my family loves me and that he did it out of love and concern for me. Funny thing is, his act of love made me want to rip his eyes out.
I called up the landlord to the basement apt that I had just looked at and asked if I could move in as soon as tomorrow and give him the rent on Friday. Thankfully he agreed. I called up another boyfriend of mine who I had shared this all with and he wanted to help. He volunteered to rent the U-haul for me the next morning. That helped me out so very much. I also called Paul to ask if he could send me the money back from my portion of the flight, which he offered to do when I gave it to him. He was happy to help me get on my own.
Much thanks to both of you for helping me! Mooah!
For the third time in the last couple of weeks Guy became somber. When I asked him what was wrong he would tell me that he missed Frank. The other two times, I just dismissed it and tried to explain that Frank won't be coming around any more, but that he still loved and cared for him.
This time I realized it was breaking his heart and that broke mine. My parents would be out of town for the weekend, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to find out if Frank would like to have him stay over one or two night. I hadn't spoken to or emailed him for several weeks so I figured enough time had passed that things had cooled off between us that I could have a normal conversation with him. I was wrong.
He went on again about why he thinks I broke up with him. Never mind that I have given him all my reasons several times already, he still has to come up with his own that he likes better. He even thought that I had ulterior motives in calling him to see if he would like to visit with Guy. He assumed that I was desperate for a sitter because my parents were gone, so I could go out dancing or on some date. Well true, I had plans for both Friday and Saturday, but I could have easily found another sitter without calling Frank. He was the first one I called because Guy wanted to see him, but nothing I say has any validity with him. He dismisses anything I tell him. So he acted like he would be doing me a big favor and let me know that he would cancel his plans so that he could see him. I was fed up and I told him a couple of times that I wasn't going to go through with it because I didn't want to deal with his accusations and belittling.
I guess I'm a sucker because I let him talk me into allowing it. We were to meet up on Friday afternoon in NE SL. We were a little early, so we kept cool by going into TGIF and ordered some lunch. I checked my phone and found that I had missed a call from the temp agency. I was expecting to learn the results of a few job interviews I had the days prior. Sure enough, I had been offered a job with LANDesk Software. It was a temp to hire position paying $10/hr. I was a little disappointed because there was another job I interviewed for that had earlier hours and paid $2 more /hour plus 1/2 hour lunch break. When I asked them about it they told me it had been filled internally, so I probably really had no chance at that job anyway. They just had to interview some one from the outside to keep it legal probably, and that was me. So of course I took the other offer.
Our food got there just after Frank arrived. He was spacing out and couldn't even focus enough to eat. He had been working all morning/day doing some construction job. He says he hadn't had much sleep the nights before either.
I was enjoying lunch and he kept prying and asking me questions about my personal life. He wanted to know what I was up to. I wish I could remember the question that lead me to finally spill the beans to him about my not going to church any more. I had been holding back from telling him for the last three months because he was still making visits to my parents house and I didn't want him to open his big mouth about it in front of my parents or something. I had just barely told him when I got a call from this guy I have seen a few times. I would have let it go except that he called me last week and I didn't answer and never called him back. So I just picked it up to ask him if I could call him back later.
Of course this made Frank even more jealous and curious and his questioning became even more personal. I answered his question without saying anything. At this he flew off the handle. He got up and walked around the back of the table and I'm sure he saw that I wasn't wearing my garments because my shirt had inched up a bit and exposed my (gasp) SKIN! He bent over to hug Guy and he just told him over and over that he loved him as if he said it enough times it might keep his soul from burning in Hell because of his wicked mother. He said to me as the waitress replaced my lemonade, "You disgust me!" I had had enough and I told him I didn't' need to hear this from him. He disagreed and said that I did and he said it again.
I got up and grabbed my purse and ripped Guy out of his arms and started for the door. He followed behind me and I turned to him and asked if he was going or staying. If he was going I would have stayed, but when he said he didn't know I told him I was leaving and he could pay for lunch. I nearly ran to the car with Guy in my arms. He must have thrown a $20 at them because he was right behind me after I got Guy in, trying to stop me from getting in my car. I pushed on his shoulder and said excuse me to get through him and into my car. He said, "Don't touch me." He then moved out of my way for me to get in, but held the door open so I couldn't close it. We tugged it back and forth a few times. I'm surprised it didn't damage the car door. I was angry and I did what I do when I try to get Guy's attention, I clapped my hands at him and told him to let go of the door. Ha, I'm sure that was a real threat to him. Then I screamed at him to let me go. I saw him look up from me and let go of the door. I looked where he was looking and saw that one of the girls from the restaurant had come out the door and was headed straight for him.
I slammed the door and took off as fast as I could to get the Hell out of there. Of course he followed me from there too. He pulled up next to me at the stop light and started yelling at me from the window. I took a right turn into the neighborhood and he turned from the middle lane to follow me. We were approaching a red light that turned green just at I came upon it and I turned left in front of the other traffic so he couldn't follow me.
My adrenalin was going and I was paranoid about him following me. I kept looking in my rear view mirror expecting to see him turn up. Once on the freeway, Guy tells me that I forgot to put his belt on him.
The next few hours were filled with phone messages from him saying that if I don't answer he is going to show up at my parents house and how he wants me to give back anything that he gave me because I was using him and I don't deserve it. He threatened to call my parents to tell them about my leaving the church because of how much I have hurt him. I begged him not to.
He went back and forth a few times about whether or not he would tell them. I explained how I wanted to tell them myself, but I was waiting until I could be out of the house first so I didn't have to be in the house while they came to terms with it. I also preferred that hey hear it from me rather than some one like him, whom they really don't have much respect for anyway.
I didn't hear from him for a couple of days when he had finally cooled off and he apologized for yelling at me and pulling a Jerry Springer on me at the restaurant. I was looking at apartments that same day. He wanted to let me know that he still cared about me and hoped that we could be friends. I told him I didn't think we could be friends because I would always feel like he is judging me or showing pity on my when I don't want or need either, esp from him.
I had just looked at this place that was advertised as two rooms for rent in a house owned by an older gentleman. After seeing that he also had a basement with two bedrooms, a bathroom, a living area and a wet bar, I asked if we could arrange for me to rent out the basement portion of the house instead. He was cool with that and I told him I would get back to him with plans to possibly move out the upcoming weekend.
On my way home Frank called me again and starts out with, "This is hard for me to do." I knew he was about to do or say something foolish, or both. He proceeded to share the story with me again about when he used to do Crystal meth and he observed that the lady who dealt it to him had a baby that she allowed to crawl on the floor, where he was sure that it had probably found and taken some of the drugs floating around her house. He shared with me how he debated whether or not he should report her. He eventually did and he felt like it was the right thing and she did some time in jail etc.
Then he had the nerve to compare that situation to my own because he was concerned for the salvation of Guy. I was furious. I told him that was ridiculous and that there is no comparison because I am not endangering my own life or Guy's by choosing not to go to church. I guess his mind was made up. He had counseled with his sisters as to what to do and the decision was made for and in behalf of me that my parents needed to be aware of my situation because they love me.
Where was my choice in all of this? He claimed that I told him for a reason. That I wanted him to know and I was telling him as a cry for help. Give me a break!!! I told him because he kept asking for it. I had been avoiding the subject with him for three months and I was just fine with him not knowing. He said he was going to break my promise to me and tell my parents. I panicked and called the house to warn my dad that he might call, but not to listen to him. There was no answer there, so I called my mother's cell phone. She answered and I told her that Frank was at it again and that he might call her. I suggested that she just not answer his call. She was more concerned for the safety of Guy and I and not terribly surprised that he as out of control.
When I got off the phone with her, Frank called again and told me that he called my brother instead. He told me how my brother thanked him over and over again. How he said that I'm the only sister he's got then Frank filled in on how much my family loves me and that he did it out of love and concern for me. Funny thing is, his act of love made me want to rip his eyes out.
I called up the landlord to the basement apt that I had just looked at and asked if I could move in as soon as tomorrow and give him the rent on Friday. Thankfully he agreed. I called up another boyfriend of mine who I had shared this all with and he wanted to help. He volunteered to rent the U-haul for me the next morning. That helped me out so very much. I also called Paul to ask if he could send me the money back from my portion of the flight, which he offered to do when I gave it to him. He was happy to help me get on my own.
Much thanks to both of you for helping me! Mooah!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
The Ritual is Over
I did it! I cut my hair off. It's pretty short. I think I just about got rid of any permed or colored hair. I think the cut is what I want, but I didn't have any more short hair products around so I couldn't style it like I wanted today. I picked up some new stuff at the store today. I'll find out tomorrow if it works like I want it to. I can't believe, by the way that Bed Head can charge $18 for a tiny jar of hair gel!!! I'm proud to say I only paid $3 for mine....then go back two days later and get the Bed Head out of frustration. HA!
I'll post a picture when I get it looking like I want.
Of course my father was not pleased, but what else is new?
I'll post a picture when I get it looking like I want.
Of course my father was not pleased, but what else is new?
Sunday, July 09, 2006
There is so much
It has been an eventful few weeks. Some of which I am anxious to share, some you wish I would share, but I will not.
The Highlights include:
Taking Guy to the ER
Being Laid off of my job
_______ ________ _________
A Family Camping trip, including sun burn.
Breaking up with my boyfriend (which will soon invoke a major haircut, of course)
Going on a Secret Trip to Texas
(This one may not be of interest to you, but I sure am excited of the idea of having a bed to myself, as I train Guy to sleep in his own now bunk bed.)
Working at a temp Job and the friend I made there
My parents suggesting that it's time for me to move out
The Highlights include:
Taking Guy to the ER
Being Laid off of my job
_______ ________ _________
A Family Camping trip, including sun burn.
Breaking up with my boyfriend (which will soon invoke a major haircut, of course)
Going on a Secret Trip to Texas
(This one may not be of interest to you, but I sure am excited of the idea of having a bed to myself, as I train Guy to sleep in his own now bunk bed.)
Working at a temp Job and the friend I made there
My parents suggesting that it's time for me to move out
Friday, July 07, 2006
Unemployed
Shortly after I began working at the reception job in Springville they had to let go of their senior sales person. They discovered that he had been submitting false orders. We were getting calls from customers saying that they received some product or part that they never ordered.
There was a police investigation and he went on the run from the law. Not even his wife knew his whereabouts. I don't even know if she knows now.
At any rate, this set the company back quite a bit and they were slow on sales too, so they were forced to make some cut back and I guess I was one of them.
They said how they expect the business to pick up in another month or two, and if I am still looking for work by then they would love to hire me back but they would understand if I found another job. I could tell they really regretted having to do this. They told me they would be happy to give me a good reference even.
I wasn't too terribly disappointed considering I was still secretly looking for other work even after they hired me because I was not happy with the pay and I was totally bored there.
For now I am doing some temp work and practice transcription until I can find work again.
There was a police investigation and he went on the run from the law. Not even his wife knew his whereabouts. I don't even know if she knows now.
At any rate, this set the company back quite a bit and they were slow on sales too, so they were forced to make some cut back and I guess I was one of them.
They said how they expect the business to pick up in another month or two, and if I am still looking for work by then they would love to hire me back but they would understand if I found another job. I could tell they really regretted having to do this. They told me they would be happy to give me a good reference even.
I wasn't too terribly disappointed considering I was still secretly looking for other work even after they hired me because I was not happy with the pay and I was totally bored there.
For now I am doing some temp work and practice transcription until I can find work again.
Casual Camping
My family decided that they wanted to go camping the weekend before July 4th. They chose a camp ground in the Alpine Canyon which was only about 15 minutes from our house. They reserved two sites for 4 days, but we rarely stayed over night there. My dad and Guy were the only ones ready to stay over the first night and the second night I opted to go out dancing and my parents and Guy came back to the house at about 9:30 to get a pillow for my mom and when they returned to the campground t hey had been locked out so they had to turn around and come back home to sleep. We finally all got it together to stay over on the last night; my parents, Guy and I and my brother and sis-in-law.
Saturday my mother went fishing with my dad. It was the first time my mother had actually fished. I was glad to see the two of them doing somehing like that together and especially my mother showing some interest in my dad's hobbies. Guy and I joined them with sub sandwiches. I layed out on the shore in my swimming suit to catch some sun on this white body of mine. (No sunblock of course because I didn't want to block the sun. I wanted to absorb it). Well absorb it I did. I was glowing by about 5pm.
We all agreed that we didn't really care to go camping again. It takes so much time to pack up all the gear for us to get sun burnt and lay around at the hot camp site, then get eaten by mosquitos at night, only to turn around again and have to unpack, wash off and put away the camping gear. My parents had a good idea to only take day trips in the future so they don't have to worry about all the extra gear for sleeping. Yuck, it's too much like moving.
And all those bugs...who needs em?
Saturday my mother went fishing with my dad. It was the first time my mother had actually fished. I was glad to see the two of them doing somehing like that together and especially my mother showing some interest in my dad's hobbies. Guy and I joined them with sub sandwiches. I layed out on the shore in my swimming suit to catch some sun on this white body of mine. (No sunblock of course because I didn't want to block the sun. I wanted to absorb it). Well absorb it I did. I was glowing by about 5pm.
We all agreed that we didn't really care to go camping again. It takes so much time to pack up all the gear for us to get sun burnt and lay around at the hot camp site, then get eaten by mosquitos at night, only to turn around again and have to unpack, wash off and put away the camping gear. My parents had a good idea to only take day trips in the future so they don't have to worry about all the extra gear for sleeping. Yuck, it's too much like moving.
And all those bugs...who needs em?
Texas Toast
I had been planning this trip to Texas for at least a month. I made the decision when I was politely univited to my friend's wedding in Sacramento. I let my parents believe that I was still planning to go to the wedding, but that it would be just a day later when she had planned the parties with friends and family, when instead I actually went to Austin to visit my boyfriend that didn't even know I had been seeing.
The week before I was scheduled to go, I almost called it off with Paul. Things were getting pretty intense between us and I was feeling pressured into doing things that I would not have done on my own. I feel like I was in a pretty vulnerable state still while we were going out. I was still exploring and getting to know myself again and Paul liked to test my boundaries and push them to the limit. My initial reaction was usually, "Hell no." But with a little persistance I would give in.
I sensed that things would only escalate if we became more serious, but he seemed to think otherwise. I figured it was worth a shot and I followed through with my plans to visit him.
He was on his way back from SF that weekend and it turned out that we would be on the same flight from SL to Austin. I met him at the airport when his flight arrived and we spend the afternoon together while waiting for the later flight to Austin. It was within the first few hours that we realized that although we had kept in touch through emails, IMs and phone we still didn't know each other as well as we thought. We both agreed that it was not going to work out between us, but we figured we would make the best of our time together anyway.
Thanks for the dances Paul. I wish there had been more.
The week before I was scheduled to go, I almost called it off with Paul. Things were getting pretty intense between us and I was feeling pressured into doing things that I would not have done on my own. I feel like I was in a pretty vulnerable state still while we were going out. I was still exploring and getting to know myself again and Paul liked to test my boundaries and push them to the limit. My initial reaction was usually, "Hell no." But with a little persistance I would give in.
I sensed that things would only escalate if we became more serious, but he seemed to think otherwise. I figured it was worth a shot and I followed through with my plans to visit him.
He was on his way back from SF that weekend and it turned out that we would be on the same flight from SL to Austin. I met him at the airport when his flight arrived and we spend the afternoon together while waiting for the later flight to Austin. It was within the first few hours that we realized that although we had kept in touch through emails, IMs and phone we still didn't know each other as well as we thought. We both agreed that it was not going to work out between us, but we figured we would make the best of our time together anyway.
Thanks for the dances Paul. I wish there had been more.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
