I started making a CD for Paul that tells our story. I think listening to all the love songs is making it worse. I want to see him again, but I am concerned for what may happen when we do. He has already warned me that I will be in trouble the next time he sees me.
I could not even consider the posibilty of marrying a non-member a few weeks ago, but now a day doesn't go by that I dream about being with Paul. I am close to convincing myself that I could be happy, even without a temple marriage. If I was lucky, I could be sealed to him if he died before me or my children could do it for us. But I cannot depend on that. He still would have to accept it later and what if my children do not join the church or remain active because of the influence of Paul's own faith.
On the other hand, what is the point of being moderatly happy with some one for eternity, when I could be more happy at least for this lifetime with someone that makes me complete.
I imagine eloping with him the next time he is in town, so that I don't sabotage my ability to go to the temple or endanger my membership, but so that I can also be with him.
But say I did decide to marry him and I find that I regret not having a temple marriage. I would not have the Priesthood in my home. There is a chance that my children may choose another path.
I am a little upset with the Lord lately. I was beginning to feel like he was just starting to answer my prayers again, but with answers like the ones I have received, I think I could have done better without them. They have caused more confusion and heart ache than I need in my life. I find myself questioning my testimony, which scares me. The only person I can share these true feelings with is Paul because I know he isn't going to judge me or give me the patented answers that I can expect from anyone else. Of course they are going to tell me that I want a temple marriage. Well, would some one please speak up and tell me where I can get one! ...to a dancer please. Am I asking too much? Am I unworthy of such a man? Am I looking in the wrong place? There are few stones left unturned. I am getting older and anxious to have more children; to have a husband for me and a father for Guy; to be independent from my parents again; to have my own home where I will never want to move from; and to stop wookin pa nub.
They say the tide always turns at the highest point, but I fear this one might pull me under.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Is It Over Yet?
The following is a letter that I sent to Frankenstein. I hope it will be the last.
[Frankenstein],
It's true I am confused lately. I will be the first to admit it, but I have been honest with you all along. You act as if I had this all planned out from the beginning. I was not playing a game with you. I fell in love with you, I loved being with you and I was preparing to marry you for eternity. What is most confusing to me is how conflicting my answers have been regarding marrying you or any one else. From the time that we first started dating, I began fasting to know if I should even continue to date you. I felt like it was the right thing for me to do, so I continued seeing you. One morning I felt prompted to get out of bed and kneel on the floor to receive a message for me. The message was that Robbie is not right for you. So I asked, "Well, then who?" and I heard [X's] name. I figured that could not be correct so I tossed the whole message asside. Eventually, the Bishop called me in to share what he felt the Lord wanted me to hear. He told me that he feels like I need to be married. I shared with him how I had been trying to receive and answer concerning marrying you. He gave me a blessing promising me that I would receive an answer within the week. I went home that very night and made a list of the qualities that I was seeking in a husband and the qualities that you posess. As I mentioned, you came out at about 70%, and most of the other items of importance were ones that you either had started to work on or planned to work on. I said a prayer in search for a solid answer as to weather I should marry you. I let God know that I may need some reasurance down the line because I have a hard time trusting myself, so I asked him for strength to commit to what ever answer he might give me. The answer that came was an overpowering, "Yes, Yes, Yes, a thousand times YES." I also petitioned to know when we should get married. The date October 31st came to my mind, which was only a little more than a month away. A few moments later I got a call from you in Arizona. I wanted to share my experience with you, but you asked me to call you later at your hotel room. You never came back to the hotel because you had been arrested [for being drunk in public]. I found out from [your friend] that you had not shown up for work on Monday and I figured you must have gotten into some mischief, and I was ready to write you off. It boggles my mind to realize that in the very moments that the Lord was telling me to marry you, you were out drinking! You talked me out of breaking it off with you and I tried to have faith in the answer that I received. I remained strong and stuck to my decision to marry you. We broke the news to my parents, whom I could tell were very concerned about the decision. I began to be concerned as well. I broke down in the bath tub one morning with the feeling like I was walking into a situation similar to my last marriage. It was when you said that you wanted to put all of the money you receive from the tribe into advertising for River Rock that I became scared of your ability to think rationally. I was scared and confused. I took a couple days to ponder my decision to marry you and I figured that the confusion was a good sign that it wasn't right. I figured I needed to call it off with you, and I attempted to, but you talked me out of it and we decided to wait for the temple instead. I felt better about things for some time after that, but the doubt crept in again and I ignored it because it was easier that way. Driving home from dropping you off at Vaughn's house one night, I felt like I needed to go to the temple. I thought about going the next day, a Saturday, but I didn't get there until the following Thrusday. I went through a session and I imagined you being in the room with me, going through for the first time. I felt fine until I got into the celestial room where I was able to have a one-on-one with the Lord. That is when he told me that I would be OK, if I were to marry you. (My impression was that I would be taken care of financially and I would be pretty happy). Then he said to me, "But what if I have some one else in mind for YOU, would you be interested?" How could I resist such an offer from the Lord? Someone chosen just for ME? Of course I was interested. Then the name of an elder from my mission came to my mind. I knew I would have to break if off with you first before the Lord could do his part. I was also given the prompting to call an old companion of mine. I saw you on Friday, with my experience laying heavily on my mind. I didn't know how to go about breaking the news to you. Saturday, I spent the whole day pondering and moaping around, dredding the task at hand, to break up with you. I was avoiding your phone calls because I was not ready to talk to you. You took the hard part away by saying the words for me. I did not know for sure what the future was for me at that time, so it was comforting to know that there was a possibility for us to get back together later, (although I did not expect this from you).Thus, I did not resist the idea that we were taking a break from each other. It was not my intention to drag you on for a month. It was more like you latched yourself on to my leg as I was trying to walk away. I tried to shake you, but I did not want to injure you. I was patient with you as you were dealing with the swarm of emotions and the pain and heart ache. I resisted getting romantic with you, even though I still cared for you, because I did not want to send mixed signals. It was difficult enough to break up the first time and I felt like I had to do it all over again each time we spoke or saw each other. You wanted explainations, but I didn't have them. Your behavior tired me out and it frustrated me that you wanted to wallow in it with me, while I was trying to move on. It has been since our breakup that my feelings have changed about us getting back together. If you will recall, I tried to make it final last week, when I brought back the ring, but again, you refused to let it happen. You see it how you want to, [Frankenstein]. When you see me, you tell me you still see love in my eyes for you, or feel passion when you press agains my still, reluctant lips. When I try to set it straight, you get hurt, then mad and begin calling me things like a liar, or selfish, or inconsiderate, or cruel, or a loose canon, or a gold digger, so what incentive do I have to share my feelings with you? You do not make it easy or pleasant for me. I have to be true to myself. Granted I am confused right now, but I do not feel like I want to get back together with you, nor [X], if it makes you feel any better. I do not know what the future holds for me, so I am taking it one day at a time.
I am not asking for your forgiveness, because I don't feel that I have done anything wrong for breaking up with you, or in the way I did it. You made it very difficult for me and I was more than patient and 100% honest and sincere with you.
Please do not call me. If there is something that you need to tell me, you can send me an email.
Trixie
It's true I am confused lately. I will be the first to admit it, but I have been honest with you all along. You act as if I had this all planned out from the beginning. I was not playing a game with you. I fell in love with you, I loved being with you and I was preparing to marry you for eternity. What is most confusing to me is how conflicting my answers have been regarding marrying you or any one else. From the time that we first started dating, I began fasting to know if I should even continue to date you. I felt like it was the right thing for me to do, so I continued seeing you. One morning I felt prompted to get out of bed and kneel on the floor to receive a message for me. The message was that Robbie is not right for you. So I asked, "Well, then who?" and I heard [X's] name. I figured that could not be correct so I tossed the whole message asside. Eventually, the Bishop called me in to share what he felt the Lord wanted me to hear. He told me that he feels like I need to be married. I shared with him how I had been trying to receive and answer concerning marrying you. He gave me a blessing promising me that I would receive an answer within the week. I went home that very night and made a list of the qualities that I was seeking in a husband and the qualities that you posess. As I mentioned, you came out at about 70%, and most of the other items of importance were ones that you either had started to work on or planned to work on. I said a prayer in search for a solid answer as to weather I should marry you. I let God know that I may need some reasurance down the line because I have a hard time trusting myself, so I asked him for strength to commit to what ever answer he might give me. The answer that came was an overpowering, "Yes, Yes, Yes, a thousand times YES." I also petitioned to know when we should get married. The date October 31st came to my mind, which was only a little more than a month away. A few moments later I got a call from you in Arizona. I wanted to share my experience with you, but you asked me to call you later at your hotel room. You never came back to the hotel because you had been arrested [for being drunk in public]. I found out from [your friend] that you had not shown up for work on Monday and I figured you must have gotten into some mischief, and I was ready to write you off. It boggles my mind to realize that in the very moments that the Lord was telling me to marry you, you were out drinking! You talked me out of breaking it off with you and I tried to have faith in the answer that I received. I remained strong and stuck to my decision to marry you. We broke the news to my parents, whom I could tell were very concerned about the decision. I began to be concerned as well. I broke down in the bath tub one morning with the feeling like I was walking into a situation similar to my last marriage. It was when you said that you wanted to put all of the money you receive from the tribe into advertising for River Rock that I became scared of your ability to think rationally. I was scared and confused. I took a couple days to ponder my decision to marry you and I figured that the confusion was a good sign that it wasn't right. I figured I needed to call it off with you, and I attempted to, but you talked me out of it and we decided to wait for the temple instead. I felt better about things for some time after that, but the doubt crept in again and I ignored it because it was easier that way. Driving home from dropping you off at Vaughn's house one night, I felt like I needed to go to the temple. I thought about going the next day, a Saturday, but I didn't get there until the following Thrusday. I went through a session and I imagined you being in the room with me, going through for the first time. I felt fine until I got into the celestial room where I was able to have a one-on-one with the Lord. That is when he told me that I would be OK, if I were to marry you. (My impression was that I would be taken care of financially and I would be pretty happy). Then he said to me, "But what if I have some one else in mind for YOU, would you be interested?" How could I resist such an offer from the Lord? Someone chosen just for ME? Of course I was interested. Then the name of an elder from my mission came to my mind. I knew I would have to break if off with you first before the Lord could do his part. I was also given the prompting to call an old companion of mine. I saw you on Friday, with my experience laying heavily on my mind. I didn't know how to go about breaking the news to you. Saturday, I spent the whole day pondering and moaping around, dredding the task at hand, to break up with you. I was avoiding your phone calls because I was not ready to talk to you. You took the hard part away by saying the words for me. I did not know for sure what the future was for me at that time, so it was comforting to know that there was a possibility for us to get back together later, (although I did not expect this from you).Thus, I did not resist the idea that we were taking a break from each other. It was not my intention to drag you on for a month. It was more like you latched yourself on to my leg as I was trying to walk away. I tried to shake you, but I did not want to injure you. I was patient with you as you were dealing with the swarm of emotions and the pain and heart ache. I resisted getting romantic with you, even though I still cared for you, because I did not want to send mixed signals. It was difficult enough to break up the first time and I felt like I had to do it all over again each time we spoke or saw each other. You wanted explainations, but I didn't have them. Your behavior tired me out and it frustrated me that you wanted to wallow in it with me, while I was trying to move on. It has been since our breakup that my feelings have changed about us getting back together. If you will recall, I tried to make it final last week, when I brought back the ring, but again, you refused to let it happen. You see it how you want to, [Frankenstein]. When you see me, you tell me you still see love in my eyes for you, or feel passion when you press agains my still, reluctant lips. When I try to set it straight, you get hurt, then mad and begin calling me things like a liar, or selfish, or inconsiderate, or cruel, or a loose canon, or a gold digger, so what incentive do I have to share my feelings with you? You do not make it easy or pleasant for me. I have to be true to myself. Granted I am confused right now, but I do not feel like I want to get back together with you, nor [X], if it makes you feel any better. I do not know what the future holds for me, so I am taking it one day at a time.
I am not asking for your forgiveness, because I don't feel that I have done anything wrong for breaking up with you, or in the way I did it. You made it very difficult for me and I was more than patient and 100% honest and sincere with you.
Please do not call me. If there is something that you need to tell me, you can send me an email.
Trixie
The Never Ending Story
Monday comes and Frank is back from his trip to Zion, where he and his buddy were looking at some property they might develop. He calls me to get the swatches that I picked up on Saturday and the sketches of the curtains that I drew.
He came that afternoon with a bag full of stuff for Guy and I with my ring, (I guess it was just a test to see if I was willing to give it back to him if he asked me to) at the bottom and a lunch from Wendy's. I gave him the swatches and a box of his childhood pictures and papers that I discovered in the garage over the weekend. He looked at me with puppy dog eyes. I thought he was going to start whimpering.
He trapped me at my car while I was looking for a cd he thought I had in my player. He told me that he realized that he doesn't want to hear about the guys I date. Then he asks me how I am doing. I confess that I am going through a trial. He asked if it is about a guy or guys. I said, "Of course." Then he started prying and I told him I don't feel like I can talk to him about it, as he just got done telling me that he does not want to hear about the other guys in my life.
He persists, and asked if it has to do with that Paul guy. I told him it was. He asks me if he had proposed to me. I told him no, but that I am in love with him, and that he loves me. He finally started to quiet a bit. He was confused, as am I how I would consider or even get involved with someone who is not a member when Frank's activity was a major issue in our relationship. I couldn't explain, but I assured him I have not made any plans for promisses to anyone.
He finally left, now that he was hurt.
He called later to see if he could take Guy out with him the next day. What does it take to send him the message?
I had to tell him, no. I told him that I don't see us getting back together. He expects explainations for all these things and I told him I just don't thing we are compatible. Then he assumes that I have been lying to him for the last 8 months, as if I never had feelings for him. I let him believe what he wanted, just as long as he leaves me alone. I think he was finally getting the message.
He called two times later that evening. I listened to his 5 minute long complaint message where he tells me that his sisters think I am loose canon and that his brother said he thinks this girl he is starting to date is an upgrade from me. (He just told me earlier that afternoon that Liz is nice, but she is no Trixie.)
Then comes an apology email, the next morning, for what he said to me in his messages, followed by advice on finding a good man in the church to be a good example to Guy, etc.
He came that afternoon with a bag full of stuff for Guy and I with my ring, (I guess it was just a test to see if I was willing to give it back to him if he asked me to) at the bottom and a lunch from Wendy's. I gave him the swatches and a box of his childhood pictures and papers that I discovered in the garage over the weekend. He looked at me with puppy dog eyes. I thought he was going to start whimpering.
He trapped me at my car while I was looking for a cd he thought I had in my player. He told me that he realized that he doesn't want to hear about the guys I date. Then he asks me how I am doing. I confess that I am going through a trial. He asked if it is about a guy or guys. I said, "Of course." Then he started prying and I told him I don't feel like I can talk to him about it, as he just got done telling me that he does not want to hear about the other guys in my life.
He persists, and asked if it has to do with that Paul guy. I told him it was. He asks me if he had proposed to me. I told him no, but that I am in love with him, and that he loves me. He finally started to quiet a bit. He was confused, as am I how I would consider or even get involved with someone who is not a member when Frank's activity was a major issue in our relationship. I couldn't explain, but I assured him I have not made any plans for promisses to anyone.
He finally left, now that he was hurt.
He called later to see if he could take Guy out with him the next day. What does it take to send him the message?
I had to tell him, no. I told him that I don't see us getting back together. He expects explainations for all these things and I told him I just don't thing we are compatible. Then he assumes that I have been lying to him for the last 8 months, as if I never had feelings for him. I let him believe what he wanted, just as long as he leaves me alone. I think he was finally getting the message.
He called two times later that evening. I listened to his 5 minute long complaint message where he tells me that his sisters think I am loose canon and that his brother said he thinks this girl he is starting to date is an upgrade from me. (He just told me earlier that afternoon that Liz is nice, but she is no Trixie.)
Then comes an apology email, the next morning, for what he said to me in his messages, followed by advice on finding a good man in the church to be a good example to Guy, etc.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
New YA Ward
I went to my home ward on Sunday, as usuall to teach my primary class. Then I came home and turned around to go to the Yound Adult Ward by noon. I think I had high hopes for making some friends and meeting some good guys there. It being fast and testimony Sunday, and me being new, I felt impressed to bare my testimony, which is also an opportunity for me to introduce myself.
I got up the courage to go up to the stand. Besides introducing myself, I didn't say much except that I love my family and my Savior and I expressed how I was looking forward to when my trial was over and I could look back on it knowing that I had made the right decision and that I was looking forward to meeting some new people and making friends in the Ward.
I spoke briefly to the girl I sat next to. She told me that from the time they formed the ward, a little over a year ago, it has doubled in size. They asked the new people to meet in the Bishop's office for an orientation meeting. There were four of us attending for the first time. The Bishop of the ward lives in my family ward and his daughter has watched Guy for me several times. He was expecting me because my bishop told him that I would be coming. They reviewed their activity calendar and mentioned a goal setting program with a guide that they would like for us to progress in and meet with the Bishop about on an individual basis. They mentioned something about curfews and I was rolling my eyes in my head.
Then they took our pictures for the ward list. I finally got to attend the last 5 minutes of Sunday School. The sisters in Relief Society were pretty friendly with me.
All in all, I felt very welcome by everyone. I know it's the activities were I will really get to know them, though.
I got up the courage to go up to the stand. Besides introducing myself, I didn't say much except that I love my family and my Savior and I expressed how I was looking forward to when my trial was over and I could look back on it knowing that I had made the right decision and that I was looking forward to meeting some new people and making friends in the Ward.
I spoke briefly to the girl I sat next to. She told me that from the time they formed the ward, a little over a year ago, it has doubled in size. They asked the new people to meet in the Bishop's office for an orientation meeting. There were four of us attending for the first time. The Bishop of the ward lives in my family ward and his daughter has watched Guy for me several times. He was expecting me because my bishop told him that I would be coming. They reviewed their activity calendar and mentioned a goal setting program with a guide that they would like for us to progress in and meet with the Bishop about on an individual basis. They mentioned something about curfews and I was rolling my eyes in my head.
Then they took our pictures for the ward list. I finally got to attend the last 5 minutes of Sunday School. The sisters in Relief Society were pretty friendly with me.
All in all, I felt very welcome by everyone. I know it's the activities were I will really get to know them, though.
The Skillet
Friday, I made it a point to check out a semi new swing venue in Sandy that they call the Skillet. I'm not sure I get the name, it sounds more like the name of a restaurant to me. It's located in a dance studio under the Sandy mall.
It was a pretty small croud out. I guess there were usually more kids from Provo that come, but none of them were there that night. I saw a couple people that I knew. Emily, Ryan and Ken. I don't think there's a swing dance happening that they don't attend. They are truly die hards. I also met a few new people, including the instructor, two other people from the forum and some newbies.
Raymond even made an appearance at the last hour, with his girlfriend for the night. I can never read him. Sometimes he is friendly and others he tries to avoid me. I think it may be when he has a girlfriend present that he is standoffish. Eh, whatever.
I got to talk with the instructor for a bit. He was telling me how he and his wife teach the lesson there and go to the exchanges. They wanted to move to Cali, but he had a hard time finding work there and they just bought a house here. He was living proof that guys like him do exist. Where is mine? I ask you?
It was a pretty small croud out. I guess there were usually more kids from Provo that come, but none of them were there that night. I saw a couple people that I knew. Emily, Ryan and Ken. I don't think there's a swing dance happening that they don't attend. They are truly die hards. I also met a few new people, including the instructor, two other people from the forum and some newbies.
Raymond even made an appearance at the last hour, with his girlfriend for the night. I can never read him. Sometimes he is friendly and others he tries to avoid me. I think it may be when he has a girlfriend present that he is standoffish. Eh, whatever.
I got to talk with the instructor for a bit. He was telling me how he and his wife teach the lesson there and go to the exchanges. They wanted to move to Cali, but he had a hard time finding work there and they just bought a house here. He was living proof that guys like him do exist. Where is mine? I ask you?
The Sky Bar
I got a call from Freddy, (a guy I met at the LDS dance a few weeks back), but I didn't get back to him until the next week when his friend found me online to tell me that he was hurt that I didn't call him back. I was still interested in going out with Freddy, so I figured I better call him. His friend told me that Freddy had a profile on the same web site, so I looked into it. I found out from him profile that he has not been to the temple, but I called him anyway to find out what his story was. By the end of our chat session, his friend, Ivan ended up asking me out to dinner too.
I called Freddy to see if we could go out and we made plans for the very same night. He invited me to the Sky Bar, downtown where they have salsa dancing. I met him at his place. He literally has a used car lot in his yard. He didn't want to leave just yet because it was still early, so we chatted lingered there for a bit. He said he had been looking at my profile and said he didn't know that I served a mission, because he usually doesn't date Return Missionaries. He claims they are too bossy. I asked if he was taking back his offer, I pretended to start to leave.
Then he starts telling me about his eating habbits and how he eats mostly organic fruits and vegetables. Then he gave me nothing short of a lesson on the Word of Wisdom and got out Doctrine and Covenants Section 89 to review with me. He pressed the issue on eating meat sparingly or in times of cold and famine. Is there something about me that says, "I am a carnivore. I eat meat between two slices of bread at every meal and I loath exercising?" Why did he think I needed to hear all that. Was he just sharing his testimony of the W of W with me to make himself look good?
I thanked him for the Sunday School Lesson as he decided which car to take, the yellow Mustang? Oh, it doesn't have plates, so the Eddie Baur SUV it is.
We got there in time for the salsa lesson, not that we planned to. They started with the basic and taught a couple intermediate moves, then busted out with what seemed like a pretty advanced move at the end. Freddy warned me beforehand that he can dance to any of the other music except salsa. He did fine in the lesson, but forgot most of it on the dance floor. I was ok with it, I know it takes time and practice to get it down.
I did feel the need to move a bit more so I asked if he minded if I asked the instructor to dance. I did pretty well with him. I was not accustomed to his style or some of his moves, but I was hanging in until he pulled the advanced move that he taught in the lesson and my shoes stuck to the floor and kept me from spinning like I was supposed to and I tripped a bit. He gave me a couple pointers and told me that I am pretty good and asked if I have taken lessons. I told him I have taken a few.
We sat at the table for a while and arm wrestled eachother and sipped on our drinks. I learned that he joined the church as a teenager because his martial arts instructor was a member. He had been inactive for the last probably 20 years and was just starting to go back to church. He is not at all interested in going to the temple to make more covenants. He is basing his judgements on his customers who he does free financing for who tell him about how they go to the temple, but they are irresponsible with their payments. So, he does not see how it would benefit him.
He got me to share about the times when I tried alcohol. I told him I didn't like the taste of it. The only thing I could manage to get down were wine coolers. But that phase in my life didn't last long and I don't believe I ever got very drunk.
We also talked about how the members in Utah are so relaxed about their religion. He was aware that the church was different here compared to the members in California. He said how you could be talking with a person and asking if they are a member and they will say, "Of the church? Sure," as they take a drink of their beer.
Eventually, they played some merengue and reggaeton that Freddy felt more comfortable with. We saw Freddy's other friend, Jamie on the dance floor for a second, too. He asked me out a couple times, but it never happened.
It occured to me how different the cultures are between salsa dancing and swing dancing because there is such jealously among the men that there is very little exchanging of partners going on, where as in swing we switch it up at every song. Perhaps it was because it was more of a club atmosphere because I do recall that they didn't mind trading partners when I went salsa dancing in Sacramento.
The croud on the dance floor was getting it on and we agreed that we had had enough fun, so we left. He invited me to come in, but I declined. He walked me to my car and asked if he could kiss me. I permitted. It was like kissing a monkey, no not a monkey, I don't know but it was pretty strange. He doesn't have much in the way of lips so his teeth are right there and his mouth rarely closed. *Shutter, shutter*
He called me the next night and invited me to come over to "party with him". I asked what he had in mind. He said, "Oh, you know, we can get some drinks and just chill here." I asked what kind of drinks. He said, "Well, I have some beer or what do you like to drink?" Well, Freddy, I don't drink alcohol. "Oh, well what do you like to drink? You like wine coolers, right?" I told him I don't party like that anymore. Then he comes out and says he was just kidding and he wanted to see how I reacted. He says he just wanted to invite me over to watch a movie. I told him I was already planning to go dancing....alone!
I called Freddy to see if we could go out and we made plans for the very same night. He invited me to the Sky Bar, downtown where they have salsa dancing. I met him at his place. He literally has a used car lot in his yard. He didn't want to leave just yet because it was still early, so we chatted lingered there for a bit. He said he had been looking at my profile and said he didn't know that I served a mission, because he usually doesn't date Return Missionaries. He claims they are too bossy. I asked if he was taking back his offer, I pretended to start to leave.
Then he starts telling me about his eating habbits and how he eats mostly organic fruits and vegetables. Then he gave me nothing short of a lesson on the Word of Wisdom and got out Doctrine and Covenants Section 89 to review with me. He pressed the issue on eating meat sparingly or in times of cold and famine. Is there something about me that says, "I am a carnivore. I eat meat between two slices of bread at every meal and I loath exercising?" Why did he think I needed to hear all that. Was he just sharing his testimony of the W of W with me to make himself look good?
I thanked him for the Sunday School Lesson as he decided which car to take, the yellow Mustang? Oh, it doesn't have plates, so the Eddie Baur SUV it is.
We got there in time for the salsa lesson, not that we planned to. They started with the basic and taught a couple intermediate moves, then busted out with what seemed like a pretty advanced move at the end. Freddy warned me beforehand that he can dance to any of the other music except salsa. He did fine in the lesson, but forgot most of it on the dance floor. I was ok with it, I know it takes time and practice to get it down.
I did feel the need to move a bit more so I asked if he minded if I asked the instructor to dance. I did pretty well with him. I was not accustomed to his style or some of his moves, but I was hanging in until he pulled the advanced move that he taught in the lesson and my shoes stuck to the floor and kept me from spinning like I was supposed to and I tripped a bit. He gave me a couple pointers and told me that I am pretty good and asked if I have taken lessons. I told him I have taken a few.
We sat at the table for a while and arm wrestled eachother and sipped on our drinks. I learned that he joined the church as a teenager because his martial arts instructor was a member. He had been inactive for the last probably 20 years and was just starting to go back to church. He is not at all interested in going to the temple to make more covenants. He is basing his judgements on his customers who he does free financing for who tell him about how they go to the temple, but they are irresponsible with their payments. So, he does not see how it would benefit him.
He got me to share about the times when I tried alcohol. I told him I didn't like the taste of it. The only thing I could manage to get down were wine coolers. But that phase in my life didn't last long and I don't believe I ever got very drunk.
We also talked about how the members in Utah are so relaxed about their religion. He was aware that the church was different here compared to the members in California. He said how you could be talking with a person and asking if they are a member and they will say, "Of the church? Sure," as they take a drink of their beer.
Eventually, they played some merengue and reggaeton that Freddy felt more comfortable with. We saw Freddy's other friend, Jamie on the dance floor for a second, too. He asked me out a couple times, but it never happened.
It occured to me how different the cultures are between salsa dancing and swing dancing because there is such jealously among the men that there is very little exchanging of partners going on, where as in swing we switch it up at every song. Perhaps it was because it was more of a club atmosphere because I do recall that they didn't mind trading partners when I went salsa dancing in Sacramento.
The croud on the dance floor was getting it on and we agreed that we had had enough fun, so we left. He invited me to come in, but I declined. He walked me to my car and asked if he could kiss me. I permitted. It was like kissing a monkey, no not a monkey, I don't know but it was pretty strange. He doesn't have much in the way of lips so his teeth are right there and his mouth rarely closed. *Shutter, shutter*
He called me the next night and invited me to come over to "party with him". I asked what he had in mind. He said, "Oh, you know, we can get some drinks and just chill here." I asked what kind of drinks. He said, "Well, I have some beer or what do you like to drink?" Well, Freddy, I don't drink alcohol. "Oh, well what do you like to drink? You like wine coolers, right?" I told him I don't party like that anymore. Then he comes out and says he was just kidding and he wanted to see how I reacted. He says he just wanted to invite me over to watch a movie. I told him I was already planning to go dancing....alone!
Friday, March 03, 2006
Return of the Ring
I got a phone call from Frank on Wednesday. He had what he thought was some news he wanted to share with me. He called to tell me that he was planning to take out a life insurance policy for himself with Guy as the beneficiary! I was thoroughly surprised and annoyed. I asked him what he will do in the future, when he has a different wife and kids that he will be responsible for. How would they feel about knowing that he has an insurance policy that was going towards some one else's child? He paused, then said that he is not worried about that. That means, he did not consider that when he made the decision.
I told him it would make me feel uncomfortable. He started to insist that is was his gift to Guy, because he made a promise to him and he doesn't want to break his committment. I told him, he is three years old, he doesn't understand what he commited to. Besides that, it was ME who broke the commitment, he does not need to feel responsible for Guy any more. He didn't back down, but he mentioned that if he finds out that I spent the money he will come back from his grave and kick my butt. I was appalled. Then he went on to say that he thinks that I am a bit of a Gold Digger!
Yeah, that makes sense. I mean after all, I was about to marry him for his.....bike?
He mentioned the ring again and how he felt like I should have volunteered to give it back to him. I was going by the standard that the bride is allowed to keep the ring, as a gift. Besides I do love the ring, but it is not worth him continually asking me for it.
I was pretty disturbed by the time I got off the phone with him. I made up my mind to return the ring to him the next day and call it quits, for good, once and for all, finis, nada, done!
I went to the temple the next morning after I dropped Guy off at Preschool. From there, I returned home to get the ring and put it back in the box it was mailed in. I called Frank to find out where he was working because I was coming up to see him.
He was all excited to see me and he must have thought I had Guy with me too. When I get there, he is grinning and staring and hands me a boquet of flowers. He wants me to take a look at him and notice how he has changed and lost a little weight. I honestly didn't notice anything different. I just wanted to give him the stupid ring and tell him I don't want to see him again and get out of there.
Instead he wanted me to come up to the condo that he is renovating. I tell him in the elevator the reason why I am there. I told him how I didn't appreciate some of the hurtful things that he had said to me lately. He blames it on the Zoloft that he went on a couple days after we broke up. He broke down in tears as we talked in the bathroom. He filled my hands with a gift for Guy and a bag of chocolate chip cookies for me.
He dried his tears and told me that the owner of the condo wants some red velvet curtains made for the windows. He asked if I was interested. I told him I would and he promised that I would be paid well for them. I was glad to have some work, knowing that I am basically unemployed.
He walked me down to my car and wanted to show off his new truck to me. I took a look and he begged me to go for a ride with him. I resisted, and he persisted, like always. He kept me away for another 40 minutes while he parked and begged me to at least "take another look at Frankenstein", later. I told him, I couldn't promise him anything, but he acted as if he would just lay down and die if I took his hope away from him. He says he still prays about us and weather or not he should marry me and he says his answer is always the same, yes.
I figured I didn't have anything to loose, because he said it was ok if we don't end up getting married, just as long as I "took another look". I shrugged and said "ok".
We finally got back to my car and he acted like we could be just friends now and he wanted to know what I had been up to. I had been sheltering him from any hint of where I had gone the weekend before, but he was asking for it, so I let the secret creep out.
I wrapped it up with him and left SL....or had I wrapped it up?
As I am getting on the freeway, I hear him calling me. I let him talk to my voice mail. He wanted to talk to me about the curtains. *Sigh* ...why did I agree to that?
I told him it would make me feel uncomfortable. He started to insist that is was his gift to Guy, because he made a promise to him and he doesn't want to break his committment. I told him, he is three years old, he doesn't understand what he commited to. Besides that, it was ME who broke the commitment, he does not need to feel responsible for Guy any more. He didn't back down, but he mentioned that if he finds out that I spent the money he will come back from his grave and kick my butt. I was appalled. Then he went on to say that he thinks that I am a bit of a Gold Digger!
Yeah, that makes sense. I mean after all, I was about to marry him for his.....bike?
He mentioned the ring again and how he felt like I should have volunteered to give it back to him. I was going by the standard that the bride is allowed to keep the ring, as a gift. Besides I do love the ring, but it is not worth him continually asking me for it.
I was pretty disturbed by the time I got off the phone with him. I made up my mind to return the ring to him the next day and call it quits, for good, once and for all, finis, nada, done!
I went to the temple the next morning after I dropped Guy off at Preschool. From there, I returned home to get the ring and put it back in the box it was mailed in. I called Frank to find out where he was working because I was coming up to see him.
He was all excited to see me and he must have thought I had Guy with me too. When I get there, he is grinning and staring and hands me a boquet of flowers. He wants me to take a look at him and notice how he has changed and lost a little weight. I honestly didn't notice anything different. I just wanted to give him the stupid ring and tell him I don't want to see him again and get out of there.
Instead he wanted me to come up to the condo that he is renovating. I tell him in the elevator the reason why I am there. I told him how I didn't appreciate some of the hurtful things that he had said to me lately. He blames it on the Zoloft that he went on a couple days after we broke up. He broke down in tears as we talked in the bathroom. He filled my hands with a gift for Guy and a bag of chocolate chip cookies for me.
He dried his tears and told me that the owner of the condo wants some red velvet curtains made for the windows. He asked if I was interested. I told him I would and he promised that I would be paid well for them. I was glad to have some work, knowing that I am basically unemployed.
He walked me down to my car and wanted to show off his new truck to me. I took a look and he begged me to go for a ride with him. I resisted, and he persisted, like always. He kept me away for another 40 minutes while he parked and begged me to at least "take another look at Frankenstein", later. I told him, I couldn't promise him anything, but he acted as if he would just lay down and die if I took his hope away from him. He says he still prays about us and weather or not he should marry me and he says his answer is always the same, yes.
I figured I didn't have anything to loose, because he said it was ok if we don't end up getting married, just as long as I "took another look". I shrugged and said "ok".
We finally got back to my car and he acted like we could be just friends now and he wanted to know what I had been up to. I had been sheltering him from any hint of where I had gone the weekend before, but he was asking for it, so I let the secret creep out.
I wrapped it up with him and left SL....or had I wrapped it up?
As I am getting on the freeway, I hear him calling me. I let him talk to my voice mail. He wanted to talk to me about the curtains. *Sigh* ...why did I agree to that?
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
my thoughts...
I have a lot on my mind and I am just trying to sort through it all. I need to concentrate on getting through this practice for my job, but I get distracted by what is going on in my life. I need some direction so I can set it all aside and focus in the now.
I think this transcription will go well if I can acually get started. I am trying to find a routine and schedule that works for Guy and I. I look forward to being able to take an occasional day off and having more money so I can enjoy life more fully.
I feel like I need to go to the temple, today if I can. I feel like I need and deserve some answers.
X has been sending me pictures of homes for rent and asking me my thoughts on them. He says he wants to provide a place for Guy and I to live. He also has high hopes of getting back together with me and living in the home with us. I asked him what he would do if we don't get back together, and he didn't seem too concerned. He seems pretty confident that we will. I am pretty confident, otherwise.
Looking at homes makes my heart pitter patter, though. I long to have a little home of my own to decorate and put all my stuff away in, to clean and to invite friends over to visit, not that I have any friends to come visit me, but one can dream. Like everything else, I cannot count on it, so I do better not to think about it. I don't want to be living in a bird cage, with my ex as my owner.
I was going to allow him to watch Guy for me on a regular basis, on the three days in a row that he has off, and allow Guy to stay there with him, but after mentioning it to my parents, and realizing their disapproval, it may cause more contention that I am up for.
I will be attending the YA ward in my stake next Sunday. I think I have my hopes pretty high for that. It will take quite a while to get to know the people in the ward. I was just barely getting to know some people in the YA ward in Cali after attending for a year.
I would also really like to go to more dance exchanges and workshops. I had such a great time in SF. There is an exchange in Sacramento at the end of the month, I am hoping I can get away, but I think it may be a bit too soon after starting a new job. I doubt I will be paid by then and my paychecks from American Crafts rarely last longer than a week. I must promise myself never to to go so long without dancing again, for my own sanity. I hope I can fit some tap class into my schedule, once I can afford it. There is so much that I want to do, and I just feel like my obligations and limited income prevent me from doing it all. I'm sure every one feels that way at times, I just hope that things change for me soon.
I think this transcription will go well if I can acually get started. I am trying to find a routine and schedule that works for Guy and I. I look forward to being able to take an occasional day off and having more money so I can enjoy life more fully.
I feel like I need to go to the temple, today if I can. I feel like I need and deserve some answers.
X has been sending me pictures of homes for rent and asking me my thoughts on them. He says he wants to provide a place for Guy and I to live. He also has high hopes of getting back together with me and living in the home with us. I asked him what he would do if we don't get back together, and he didn't seem too concerned. He seems pretty confident that we will. I am pretty confident, otherwise.
Looking at homes makes my heart pitter patter, though. I long to have a little home of my own to decorate and put all my stuff away in, to clean and to invite friends over to visit, not that I have any friends to come visit me, but one can dream. Like everything else, I cannot count on it, so I do better not to think about it. I don't want to be living in a bird cage, with my ex as my owner.
I was going to allow him to watch Guy for me on a regular basis, on the three days in a row that he has off, and allow Guy to stay there with him, but after mentioning it to my parents, and realizing their disapproval, it may cause more contention that I am up for.
I will be attending the YA ward in my stake next Sunday. I think I have my hopes pretty high for that. It will take quite a while to get to know the people in the ward. I was just barely getting to know some people in the YA ward in Cali after attending for a year.
I would also really like to go to more dance exchanges and workshops. I had such a great time in SF. There is an exchange in Sacramento at the end of the month, I am hoping I can get away, but I think it may be a bit too soon after starting a new job. I doubt I will be paid by then and my paychecks from American Crafts rarely last longer than a week. I must promise myself never to to go so long without dancing again, for my own sanity. I hope I can fit some tap class into my schedule, once I can afford it. There is so much that I want to do, and I just feel like my obligations and limited income prevent me from doing it all. I'm sure every one feels that way at times, I just hope that things change for me soon.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
The Gift/Curse of Love
Why does love feel like a curse? I seem to notice a trend that when I come in contact with a man, espcially when we touch, they are able to sense an energy of love from me. I find that they want to love me back and return some of the love I have given them. They want to care for me and please me and see me smile. This makes me happy and I want to allow them to care for me, but I have to refrain. The more I give them the more they want and at some point I have to say no, as much as I would like to truly love and be loved. For one reason or another I know in my heart they are not the one for me. I am not allowed to just hand over the whole pie to them, instead I just cut out little slices and give them away. It hurts to have to deny them more and to deny myself their love. They also leave frustrated because they long to love me and be loved by me, too.
I hope that one day soon I will be able to hand over my whole heart to the right man. I do not enjoy breaking hearts. Perhaps I should lock myself away in a tower until my Prince comes along.
I hope that one day soon I will be able to hand over my whole heart to the right man. I do not enjoy breaking hearts. Perhaps I should lock myself away in a tower until my Prince comes along.
Tangled up in Blues
FRIDAY FEBRUARY 24th
Paul was there to greet us at the airport. My heart fluttered when I saw him. Like a gentleman, he helped carry some of the things in my arms. He introduced himself to Guy. While we were waiting to pick up our luggage, Guy and Paul walked over to look at the roosters and chickens and the dog that had come off another plane.
I was feeling at ease finally, but I still had a dredded phone call to make to my parents to tell them that Guy and I wouldn't be coming home tonight.
We stopped in at the hotel via shuttel and met Liia. We all had a long ride ahead of us. We had to go down to San Jose to change out the rental car, then head up to Sacramento to drop off Guy.
When we got near Sacramento I called my friend to confirm that she could watch Guy for me. She wasn't home from work yet and wouldn't be until 8. I panicked a little, but worked it out that her parents were willing to watch him for me. We met up with them at a restaurant where they were having dinner. The father took Guy out to his truck to meet their dog. Guy made an instant friend. He hardly noticed that I was leaving. That was a relief to see that he was having a good time.
We stopped at I Love Teriyaki before we got back on the freeway for SF. I tried to get in touch with my parents, but I couldn't get through to the house line and my mother wasn't answering her cell phone, so I had no choice but to leave a message. They got the message late that night and left a message for me Saturday morning, as my cell phone batterie had died. They had a few questions for me, but they seemed to take it surprisingly well. They even wished me a good time.
We went straight to the dance at Broadway Studios from there. They were just finishing up the last lesson when we got there. Paul and I danced a couple times together then we started asking other people to dance. I did my usuall thing and asked some random people to dance. After a couple bad guesses I started paying attention to the better dancers on the floor to ask later. There were a few tango dancers there and I tried to fake it, but I know it wasn't impressive to step on their toes. Too bad we weren't all wearing name tags that said "Blues Dancer", "Tango Dancer", Tango and Blues Dancer".
I ran into a few people from Sacramento. Sid, who is responsible for peaking my interest and introducing me to Blues dancing, was there. I asked him to dance. It had been a long time and not much blues dancing in between the last time I danced with him, but I could tell I was already catching on more than before.
I also saw Darrek at the dance. He was teaching one or more of the workshops that weekend. I busted out with some tap dancing durring our dance together. He seemed to appreciate it.
I love the improvisations.
I would dance as many songs as I could find a decent or even an indecent partner to dance with. Actually, I reserved the indecency for when I was dancing with Paul.
That dance ended at around 1 am then followed with an after hours blues party in a dance studio near Market street. What an awakening that was to me. I was loving dancing with so many smooth dancers and learning each of their styles and leads.
One kid I asked to dance and he would improv. the whole thing. He pulled a move on me where my feet were off the ground and they made a circle in the air, I must have come down before he led me into the back dip to the floor in front of the croud behind me that oooed and aaaahed. I told him, "I didn't know I could dance like that." (which, it was more him than me.) He said he had never done that before. I was blown away. Later I saw him practicing some classic jazz type moves alone in front of the mirror. It was all making sense now.
At one point I found Paul sitting in a chair in the corner. I came over to see if he was ok. He shared with me that he came to the realization in the middle of the last dance that the two of us could never be together. It brought him to tears, so he decided to sit that dance out. I expressed my sympathy and that I share his sadness. He just needed a moment to work it through.
Later, I was about to dance with the jazz dancer again when Paul asked to cut in. He made some comment about paying him a dollar for me. I pretended to be insulted that I was only worth a dollar to him and started to walk off with the jazz dancer instead. Then Paul stepped in and they had a competition over me. We danced in a threesome for a bit, then the two of them went off together, only to race back to me. Paul and I finished the dance together. The dancing went on until after 4 am before they had to end.
At one point, we thought that Liia might stay some where else that night because she was felling a bit like a third wheel after the days events and having been drug around all afternoon running our errands. I guess she got over it because she came back to the room with us, which I am thankful for because that would have left Paul and I alone in the room together. That would have been bad, very, very bad.
SATURDAY
I woke up at around noon on Saturday and found that I had four new voice mail messages. One from each of my parents, one from the Primary leader and one from X. X decided to tell me taht he had been pondering a few things and made the decision to go back to church and also that he would like to get back together with me! I could not deal with it at the time. I left him a message saying that I would call him when I get back in town. What next?
The three of us got ready and had breakfast at a little diner we came across.
We knew we wanted to go to China town next. Liia called up one of the local blues dancers to get some direction on where a good place to park would be. He met up with us near High street and gave us a walking tour of his neighborhood. We stopped at the Art Institute, and he pointed out some homes and views of interest for us. On our way to China Town, through Little Italy, we discovered that there was a Blues band setting up to play shortly at The Saloon. We decided to stop in again on our way back from China Town.
Liia and Brent stood in line at a pastery shop for 20 minutes to get a hot, fresh custard and Paul and I browsed a few of the shops where he got some pajamas for his daughter and I found a new blouse for myself and a set of action figures for Guy.
I figured I may need a bribe to get my son to come home with me after hearing that my friend's parents didn't want to give him up to my other friend who agreed to watch him on Saturday. They were all just having too good of a time together. It was a relief to know that he was doing so well.
We went into The Saloon to get a taste of some local Musical talent. Ron Hacker, I think was the name of the singer. When we came in he was reminiscing of the days when he played with the greats, like BB King and several others he named. They played some real dancable tunes that I danced with Paul to first. Then we switched partners and I danced with Brent. Paul and I danced to one last, extreemely long and some what fast song. That was some great music and dancing! What a random treat it was to stumble upon that while we were there for a blues workshop and with four blues dancers.
Our stomaches were telling us it was time to eat again so we went for some pizza by the slice near where we parked. It was some of the best pizza I have had in a long time, though I could barely eat half of the slice. Brent, the Lawyer/ballet dancer/rollerblader/blues&Lindy Dancer had plans to see a ballet with a professional dancer friend of his, so he had to cut out.
The three of us took a detour by the beach so Liia could stick her toes in the water.
We went back to the hotel before we started over to Berkeley for the after-workshop dance. After a short while they began a blues competition. They started with about 15 couples, then narrowed it down to about 8, with open dancing in between.
I made my rounds on the dance floor, especially to dance with any one that was not at either of the other two venues, plus some of the people I enjoyed dancing with that I recognized from Friday. I was wanting to dance with one of the other instructors who Liia mentioned that she liked dancing with. When I asked him to dance, he said,"What, are they letting 17 year olds in here now?" Ha, I said. "You are off by about ten years. I am only 7."
"Wait, how old are you?" he asked.
"No, I'm kidding, I'm 28."
He was a good dancer, but he let me do all the work. Mostly he would just hold me out away from him with both hands while I got all funky to the music. He was smiling, so I guess he was enjoying it. When it was over he said,"Very nice, and even old enough to dance."
"Pcha!" I don't look that young. Who does he think he is? I thought I was past that.
They had the finalists for the competition come back and dance a few more songs. There was some amazing dancing going on. They were all so very animated and they infused so many different styles and moves. They really played with the music, too.
I was wishing that I had a regular partner that I could feel comfortable with to try new stunts and dance with so expressively with. I feel like Paul and I have a good connection and I defenantly feel comfortable with him, but I also feel like I am still learning about Blues dancing, that he might feel limited in what we could do together. Not that I couldn't improve or have that with some one in time, but I was just dreaming.
I ran out of people I wanted to dance with, so I took a break on the bench. I got comfortable there enough that I fell asleep for the last half hour of the dance. I think I danced one last dance with Paul before they kicked us out at 4 am.
SUNDAY
Paul and I had to leave by 10 am to drive over to Sacramento to pick up Guy. We had some good chats about raising kids, life after death, his visits with his granparents before they died, and why the two of us met.
When we got to my friend's parents' house, I found Guy lounging in the recliner in Richard's arms. He didn't even move when he saw me come in. They looked like old buddies lying there together. I had to convince him that we needed to go. He claimed that he didn't want to go on the plane ride, either. So, I told him I had a surprise for him in the car. He was pretty much extatic about the super heros. I think it broke Richard's heart to see him go, though.
My friend drove over to see us, but we couldn't stay long because we had to get back to catch our flight.
I was pretty quiet on the way back, just trying to put the pieces together from the last few months of conflicting answers and the wave of emotions.
Paul walked us through the airport and escorted us up to the Crown Room away from the hustle and bustle of the terminals. He has a way of making me feel so special. It might seem like a small guesture, but he is always so respectfull and considerate. He made it a wonderful weekend for me. I didn't know how to thank him for all that he had done for me. What he wanted, I couldn't give him, and he was even a good sport about that. I knew my time with him was short, so I just wanted to take him in for our time left. He had to leave to catch his flight from San Jose. We were allowed to continue waiting in the Crown room until boarding time drew closer.
Guy slept on the plane the whole way back. I even got a few winks, myself.
Paul was there to greet us at the airport. My heart fluttered when I saw him. Like a gentleman, he helped carry some of the things in my arms. He introduced himself to Guy. While we were waiting to pick up our luggage, Guy and Paul walked over to look at the roosters and chickens and the dog that had come off another plane.
I was feeling at ease finally, but I still had a dredded phone call to make to my parents to tell them that Guy and I wouldn't be coming home tonight.
We stopped in at the hotel via shuttel and met Liia. We all had a long ride ahead of us. We had to go down to San Jose to change out the rental car, then head up to Sacramento to drop off Guy.
When we got near Sacramento I called my friend to confirm that she could watch Guy for me. She wasn't home from work yet and wouldn't be until 8. I panicked a little, but worked it out that her parents were willing to watch him for me. We met up with them at a restaurant where they were having dinner. The father took Guy out to his truck to meet their dog. Guy made an instant friend. He hardly noticed that I was leaving. That was a relief to see that he was having a good time.
We stopped at I Love Teriyaki before we got back on the freeway for SF. I tried to get in touch with my parents, but I couldn't get through to the house line and my mother wasn't answering her cell phone, so I had no choice but to leave a message. They got the message late that night and left a message for me Saturday morning, as my cell phone batterie had died. They had a few questions for me, but they seemed to take it surprisingly well. They even wished me a good time.
We went straight to the dance at Broadway Studios from there. They were just finishing up the last lesson when we got there. Paul and I danced a couple times together then we started asking other people to dance. I did my usuall thing and asked some random people to dance. After a couple bad guesses I started paying attention to the better dancers on the floor to ask later. There were a few tango dancers there and I tried to fake it, but I know it wasn't impressive to step on their toes. Too bad we weren't all wearing name tags that said "Blues Dancer", "Tango Dancer", Tango and Blues Dancer".
I ran into a few people from Sacramento. Sid, who is responsible for peaking my interest and introducing me to Blues dancing, was there. I asked him to dance. It had been a long time and not much blues dancing in between the last time I danced with him, but I could tell I was already catching on more than before.
I also saw Darrek at the dance. He was teaching one or more of the workshops that weekend. I busted out with some tap dancing durring our dance together. He seemed to appreciate it.
I love the improvisations.
I would dance as many songs as I could find a decent or even an indecent partner to dance with. Actually, I reserved the indecency for when I was dancing with Paul.
That dance ended at around 1 am then followed with an after hours blues party in a dance studio near Market street. What an awakening that was to me. I was loving dancing with so many smooth dancers and learning each of their styles and leads.
One kid I asked to dance and he would improv. the whole thing. He pulled a move on me where my feet were off the ground and they made a circle in the air, I must have come down before he led me into the back dip to the floor in front of the croud behind me that oooed and aaaahed. I told him, "I didn't know I could dance like that." (which, it was more him than me.) He said he had never done that before. I was blown away. Later I saw him practicing some classic jazz type moves alone in front of the mirror. It was all making sense now.
At one point I found Paul sitting in a chair in the corner. I came over to see if he was ok. He shared with me that he came to the realization in the middle of the last dance that the two of us could never be together. It brought him to tears, so he decided to sit that dance out. I expressed my sympathy and that I share his sadness. He just needed a moment to work it through.
Later, I was about to dance with the jazz dancer again when Paul asked to cut in. He made some comment about paying him a dollar for me. I pretended to be insulted that I was only worth a dollar to him and started to walk off with the jazz dancer instead. Then Paul stepped in and they had a competition over me. We danced in a threesome for a bit, then the two of them went off together, only to race back to me. Paul and I finished the dance together. The dancing went on until after 4 am before they had to end.
At one point, we thought that Liia might stay some where else that night because she was felling a bit like a third wheel after the days events and having been drug around all afternoon running our errands. I guess she got over it because she came back to the room with us, which I am thankful for because that would have left Paul and I alone in the room together. That would have been bad, very, very bad.
SATURDAY
I woke up at around noon on Saturday and found that I had four new voice mail messages. One from each of my parents, one from the Primary leader and one from X. X decided to tell me taht he had been pondering a few things and made the decision to go back to church and also that he would like to get back together with me! I could not deal with it at the time. I left him a message saying that I would call him when I get back in town. What next?
The three of us got ready and had breakfast at a little diner we came across.
We knew we wanted to go to China town next. Liia called up one of the local blues dancers to get some direction on where a good place to park would be. He met up with us near High street and gave us a walking tour of his neighborhood. We stopped at the Art Institute, and he pointed out some homes and views of interest for us. On our way to China Town, through Little Italy, we discovered that there was a Blues band setting up to play shortly at The Saloon. We decided to stop in again on our way back from China Town.
Liia and Brent stood in line at a pastery shop for 20 minutes to get a hot, fresh custard and Paul and I browsed a few of the shops where he got some pajamas for his daughter and I found a new blouse for myself and a set of action figures for Guy.
I figured I may need a bribe to get my son to come home with me after hearing that my friend's parents didn't want to give him up to my other friend who agreed to watch him on Saturday. They were all just having too good of a time together. It was a relief to know that he was doing so well.
We went into The Saloon to get a taste of some local Musical talent. Ron Hacker, I think was the name of the singer. When we came in he was reminiscing of the days when he played with the greats, like BB King and several others he named. They played some real dancable tunes that I danced with Paul to first. Then we switched partners and I danced with Brent. Paul and I danced to one last, extreemely long and some what fast song. That was some great music and dancing! What a random treat it was to stumble upon that while we were there for a blues workshop and with four blues dancers.
Our stomaches were telling us it was time to eat again so we went for some pizza by the slice near where we parked. It was some of the best pizza I have had in a long time, though I could barely eat half of the slice. Brent, the Lawyer/ballet dancer/rollerblader/blues&Lindy Dancer had plans to see a ballet with a professional dancer friend of his, so he had to cut out.
The three of us took a detour by the beach so Liia could stick her toes in the water.
We went back to the hotel before we started over to Berkeley for the after-workshop dance. After a short while they began a blues competition. They started with about 15 couples, then narrowed it down to about 8, with open dancing in between.
I made my rounds on the dance floor, especially to dance with any one that was not at either of the other two venues, plus some of the people I enjoyed dancing with that I recognized from Friday. I was wanting to dance with one of the other instructors who Liia mentioned that she liked dancing with. When I asked him to dance, he said,"What, are they letting 17 year olds in here now?" Ha, I said. "You are off by about ten years. I am only 7."
"Wait, how old are you?" he asked.
"No, I'm kidding, I'm 28."
He was a good dancer, but he let me do all the work. Mostly he would just hold me out away from him with both hands while I got all funky to the music. He was smiling, so I guess he was enjoying it. When it was over he said,"Very nice, and even old enough to dance."
"Pcha!" I don't look that young. Who does he think he is? I thought I was past that.
They had the finalists for the competition come back and dance a few more songs. There was some amazing dancing going on. They were all so very animated and they infused so many different styles and moves. They really played with the music, too.
I was wishing that I had a regular partner that I could feel comfortable with to try new stunts and dance with so expressively with. I feel like Paul and I have a good connection and I defenantly feel comfortable with him, but I also feel like I am still learning about Blues dancing, that he might feel limited in what we could do together. Not that I couldn't improve or have that with some one in time, but I was just dreaming.
I ran out of people I wanted to dance with, so I took a break on the bench. I got comfortable there enough that I fell asleep for the last half hour of the dance. I think I danced one last dance with Paul before they kicked us out at 4 am.
SUNDAY
Paul and I had to leave by 10 am to drive over to Sacramento to pick up Guy. We had some good chats about raising kids, life after death, his visits with his granparents before they died, and why the two of us met.
When we got to my friend's parents' house, I found Guy lounging in the recliner in Richard's arms. He didn't even move when he saw me come in. They looked like old buddies lying there together. I had to convince him that we needed to go. He claimed that he didn't want to go on the plane ride, either. So, I told him I had a surprise for him in the car. He was pretty much extatic about the super heros. I think it broke Richard's heart to see him go, though.
My friend drove over to see us, but we couldn't stay long because we had to get back to catch our flight.
I was pretty quiet on the way back, just trying to put the pieces together from the last few months of conflicting answers and the wave of emotions.
Paul walked us through the airport and escorted us up to the Crown Room away from the hustle and bustle of the terminals. He has a way of making me feel so special. It might seem like a small guesture, but he is always so respectfull and considerate. He made it a wonderful weekend for me. I didn't know how to thank him for all that he had done for me. What he wanted, I couldn't give him, and he was even a good sport about that. I knew my time with him was short, so I just wanted to take him in for our time left. He had to leave to catch his flight from San Jose. We were allowed to continue waiting in the Crown room until boarding time drew closer.
Guy slept on the plane the whole way back. I even got a few winks, myself.
The Great Escape
I asked my parents if I could bribe them to watch Guy for me while I went away for the weekend with some guy from out of town that I have been out with only a couple times and they have not met or even seen a picture of and who is not a member and is going to pay for my flight so we can go dancing all night long in another state.
For some reason they didn't go for it. Paul had already bought my plane ticket. I was upset at first, and then I started thinking of ways I could sneak away. I could just leave Guy with them without them knowing and call them later and they would have to watch him. Then I had a better idea to have some one else watch him for me. I thought I would call on X to watch him since he owes me a life time of favors anyway. He had offerred before to watch him, but I wasn't comfortable with that yet, so now was a good opportunity.
I made arangements to meet with him at his place to talk over the possibility. I wanted to see where he lived and find out if Guy would be comfortable there. It was strange to be in his place and see things that I recognized. I felt easy, yet I remained concervative. Some of the emotions came flooding back to me. Mostly pleasant ones though.
He was willing to watch Guy for me for the weekend, but he just took on a new job that started a few days before I would be leaving. He suggested that maybe his girlfriend might be willing to watch him on the nights that he had to work. He would get back to me after he talked to her about it.
When it was time to go, Guy didn't want to leave. He was having a good time checking out all his funky knick knacks.
It turned out that he and his girlfriend broke up that same night. He found out that she had been planning on cheating on him if not already. She also accused him of still being in love with me. I asked him if there was any validity in that. He admitted that there was. Although he had not persued it, he realized that he was still in love with me and he longs for the good memories that we once had.
So, now here we are, both single and available again with no boyfriends or girlfriends to get jealous each time we met up. Not that there was anything to be jealous of. We had a good chat on the phone, but now I needed to find another sitter for Guy for the weekend. I could think of some friends in Cali that would watch him for me, but I didn't feel comfortable handing him over to any one I knew in Utah. So what does Paul do? He books a flight for Guy too! We figured we could drive to Sacramento to drop Guy off and head back to SF, then pick him up before we leave again.
I got busy and started calling around to my friends in Sacramento. I struck out a few times and I was getting kind of discouraged. I finally had it arranged where one friend would keep him Friday night through Saturday afternoon, and another friend would keep him Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon.
So, things were working out, allowing me to go. I had the primary Sharing time presentation all prepared for some one else to pick up and present for me (which I stayed up late finishing Thursday night. I didn't have a sub, but I brought the ward and primary list with me to make some calls.) I had the suitcases all packed and in the trunk, I had the day off of work, two plane tickets, my drivers licence (I made sure it was in my wallet as I was packing the night before), some friends in Sacramento to watch Guy for me, and one handsome, generous man to show me a good time in SF, oh yeah and a chaperone, too.
How did grandma and grandpa feel about all this? Well, they didn't know until Friday night when they got my voice mail telling them that we are in Sacramento and that we won't be coming home for a couple days. I was afraid to tell them I was still planning to go, for fear that they might take drastic measures to stop me, like take away my car keys or anything else they could think to do. So, I kept it a secret until we were already there.
I had a little bit of a break down in the airport parking lot when I made a double check on my license and I couldn't find it in my wallet. I panicked and started searching around when I looked again and found that I just put it in a different slot that I normally keep it. Phew!
My adrenaline had been rushing all that night and into the morning. I felt like I was back in High School again and sneaking out and feeling a little suspicious and paranoid. I could finally relax a little once we got on the plane.
I got some earphones so we could listen to some music. Blondie was playing and Guy and I shared the head set so we could rock out. Then I let Guy listen and I looked over later and he was playing air guitar, nodding his head and making the "Magnum" look on his face.
For some reason they didn't go for it. Paul had already bought my plane ticket. I was upset at first, and then I started thinking of ways I could sneak away. I could just leave Guy with them without them knowing and call them later and they would have to watch him. Then I had a better idea to have some one else watch him for me. I thought I would call on X to watch him since he owes me a life time of favors anyway. He had offerred before to watch him, but I wasn't comfortable with that yet, so now was a good opportunity.
I made arangements to meet with him at his place to talk over the possibility. I wanted to see where he lived and find out if Guy would be comfortable there. It was strange to be in his place and see things that I recognized. I felt easy, yet I remained concervative. Some of the emotions came flooding back to me. Mostly pleasant ones though.
He was willing to watch Guy for me for the weekend, but he just took on a new job that started a few days before I would be leaving. He suggested that maybe his girlfriend might be willing to watch him on the nights that he had to work. He would get back to me after he talked to her about it.
When it was time to go, Guy didn't want to leave. He was having a good time checking out all his funky knick knacks.
It turned out that he and his girlfriend broke up that same night. He found out that she had been planning on cheating on him if not already. She also accused him of still being in love with me. I asked him if there was any validity in that. He admitted that there was. Although he had not persued it, he realized that he was still in love with me and he longs for the good memories that we once had.
So, now here we are, both single and available again with no boyfriends or girlfriends to get jealous each time we met up. Not that there was anything to be jealous of. We had a good chat on the phone, but now I needed to find another sitter for Guy for the weekend. I could think of some friends in Cali that would watch him for me, but I didn't feel comfortable handing him over to any one I knew in Utah. So what does Paul do? He books a flight for Guy too! We figured we could drive to Sacramento to drop Guy off and head back to SF, then pick him up before we leave again.
I got busy and started calling around to my friends in Sacramento. I struck out a few times and I was getting kind of discouraged. I finally had it arranged where one friend would keep him Friday night through Saturday afternoon, and another friend would keep him Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon.
So, things were working out, allowing me to go. I had the primary Sharing time presentation all prepared for some one else to pick up and present for me (which I stayed up late finishing Thursday night. I didn't have a sub, but I brought the ward and primary list with me to make some calls.) I had the suitcases all packed and in the trunk, I had the day off of work, two plane tickets, my drivers licence (I made sure it was in my wallet as I was packing the night before), some friends in Sacramento to watch Guy for me, and one handsome, generous man to show me a good time in SF, oh yeah and a chaperone, too.
How did grandma and grandpa feel about all this? Well, they didn't know until Friday night when they got my voice mail telling them that we are in Sacramento and that we won't be coming home for a couple days. I was afraid to tell them I was still planning to go, for fear that they might take drastic measures to stop me, like take away my car keys or anything else they could think to do. So, I kept it a secret until we were already there.
I had a little bit of a break down in the airport parking lot when I made a double check on my license and I couldn't find it in my wallet. I panicked and started searching around when I looked again and found that I just put it in a different slot that I normally keep it. Phew!
My adrenaline had been rushing all that night and into the morning. I felt like I was back in High School again and sneaking out and feeling a little suspicious and paranoid. I could finally relax a little once we got on the plane.
I got some earphones so we could listen to some music. Blondie was playing and Guy and I shared the head set so we could rock out. Then I let Guy listen and I looked over later and he was playing air guitar, nodding his head and making the "Magnum" look on his face.
So Long, Farewell
Well, I finally put in my notice at my reception job so that I can start working from home doing the medical terminology. I was kind of draggin my feet about it because I really enjoyed working there and I know they liked having me there too. They were also short a morning receptionist, so I had been filling in for the mornings and the afternoons. This meant that they would have to hire two new receptionists to replace me.
I had to ask for Friday off to go to San Francisco and I wasn't sure if they would find some one before then or not. I found out on Thrusday that they did indeed find two people that they hired and that that was my last day working there.
I was told by a lot of people how much I would be missed. One person told me that I am the best receptionist *ever*. It felt good to be appreciated. Such a contrast to when I was working for eRepublic.
The CEO of the company even sent me an email saying this:
[Trixie],
Thank you for the great job you did here. You are always friendly, helpful, and professional. I wish you the best in your future endeavors.
Jeff
I had to ask for Friday off to go to San Francisco and I wasn't sure if they would find some one before then or not. I found out on Thrusday that they did indeed find two people that they hired and that that was my last day working there.
I was told by a lot of people how much I would be missed. One person told me that I am the best receptionist *ever*. It felt good to be appreciated. Such a contrast to when I was working for eRepublic.
The CEO of the company even sent me an email saying this:
[Trixie],
Thank you for the great job you did here. You are always friendly, helpful, and professional. I wish you the best in your future endeavors.
Jeff
A Messy Fracture
Frank was continueing to call me at work. I very much disliked when he would call me there because I have not choice but to answer the phone. I don't have any one to screne my calls for me. He was still very hurt about our breaking up and he kept trying to get me to explain myself to him. I didn't like having to repeat myself when it was very difficult for me to explain in the first place. He would tell me that I couldn't hurt his feelings any more than I have, but truthfully I could have. I was very careful to let him down easy. I know he was fragile and I didn't want him to think that he had done something wrong, because he hadn't.
I tried to be patient with him and allowed him some time to come to terms with it all. When he would call me he would go around in circles while I would just sit there and listen to him and occasionally say, "OK, I don't know, maybe, I don't know, not right now..." And I am supposed to be chipper and answer the phone in between and deal with people walking through the lobby, etc. I would tell him I need to go, and he would ask for just another minute, and tell me something that I already knew or ask me something he knew I didn't know.
I really felt like hanging up on him a few times. One time we were disconnected and he assumed I had hung up, so he called me right back. Finally, he kept me on the phone for nearly 20 minutes while I was at some one else's desk. He was asking if we could could continue to date each other again. I had already told him that I didn't want to. It just seems strange to me when I go on a first date with some guy one night, then go out with my former fiance the other night. It would be too confusing to me and to the people that I date. I strongly believed that we needed a break. I finally had to get very stern about it on the phone with him.
He asked me to call him later that night but I did not. After not hearing from him for a week, I began to be a little concerned. I felt that I should call him to make sure he is ok. I also thought that I might stop by to install some software on his computer that I had been meaning to do prior to the break up.
I guess it was a bad idea to call him. It got all his hopes up again and he started running around in his circles again with me on the phone. I didn't have time to stop by and I stopped answering his phone calls to my cell. The next morning I had three VM messages and two emails. They went from, "It was great to hear from you again, I know you still care, I'm sorry for what I said...to.... I need some closure and I would really like to have my ring back from you, you are not all that anyway and you are selfish and you don't really care."
Before I could even read the emails he was calling me at work again. Three times he called me! I told him that I could not bring the ring to him tonight because I have plans and that the ring itself does not make it over. He wanted to give the ring to the teen age girl from the Sudan so her family could pawn it. He realized later that he was just asking for it out of spite and to hurt me. The last few times he called were to apologize for what he had said and told me that I can keep the ring.
I told him not to call me for a week. In a week we will check in with eachother and see if anything has changed. He seemed to be satisfied with that and I have not heard from him since. Aparently he has removed my number from his phone.
He was looking forward to dating this other girl that contacted him about the same time I did initially from the dating site. I hope things go well with them.
I tried to be patient with him and allowed him some time to come to terms with it all. When he would call me he would go around in circles while I would just sit there and listen to him and occasionally say, "OK, I don't know, maybe, I don't know, not right now..." And I am supposed to be chipper and answer the phone in between and deal with people walking through the lobby, etc. I would tell him I need to go, and he would ask for just another minute, and tell me something that I already knew or ask me something he knew I didn't know.
I really felt like hanging up on him a few times. One time we were disconnected and he assumed I had hung up, so he called me right back. Finally, he kept me on the phone for nearly 20 minutes while I was at some one else's desk. He was asking if we could could continue to date each other again. I had already told him that I didn't want to. It just seems strange to me when I go on a first date with some guy one night, then go out with my former fiance the other night. It would be too confusing to me and to the people that I date. I strongly believed that we needed a break. I finally had to get very stern about it on the phone with him.
He asked me to call him later that night but I did not. After not hearing from him for a week, I began to be a little concerned. I felt that I should call him to make sure he is ok. I also thought that I might stop by to install some software on his computer that I had been meaning to do prior to the break up.
I guess it was a bad idea to call him. It got all his hopes up again and he started running around in his circles again with me on the phone. I didn't have time to stop by and I stopped answering his phone calls to my cell. The next morning I had three VM messages and two emails. They went from, "It was great to hear from you again, I know you still care, I'm sorry for what I said...to.... I need some closure and I would really like to have my ring back from you, you are not all that anyway and you are selfish and you don't really care."
Before I could even read the emails he was calling me at work again. Three times he called me! I told him that I could not bring the ring to him tonight because I have plans and that the ring itself does not make it over. He wanted to give the ring to the teen age girl from the Sudan so her family could pawn it. He realized later that he was just asking for it out of spite and to hurt me. The last few times he called were to apologize for what he had said and told me that I can keep the ring.
I told him not to call me for a week. In a week we will check in with eachother and see if anything has changed. He seemed to be satisfied with that and I have not heard from him since. Aparently he has removed my number from his phone.
He was looking forward to dating this other girl that contacted him about the same time I did initially from the dating site. I hope things go well with them.
The Forbidden Pool
Paul and I began chatting online while we were at work. We would tease each other and share about ourselves and talk about our dreams and goals. It seemed that our goals were merging to the same. We wanted to be with each other.
We shared our religious beliefs and he mentioned that he downloaded the Book of Mormon. I was surprised yet again. I think this gave me false hope of him being interested in the church. He just wanted to know for his own curiosity, but with no intention of truly finding out if it might be true. I realized that his satisfied with his belief system and has no intention of changing. I could not dare to ask him to either. I cannot make that decision for another person.
I realized all this in the midst of making plans with him to go to San Francisco for the Tangoed up in Blues Workshop happening the following weekend. How could I say no to that? or to him? I ask you.
I was also realizing that he is every thing I could want in a companion/husband/father......if only he were Mormon! Besides that minor detail, he has come closer than any one else I have met.
He rerouted one of his flights for work with a layover in Salt Lake one Sunday afternoon. He had to beg them to put him on the waiting list because it was a full flight. He was able to get on the last seat on the plane.
I met him in SL and we went to dinner at the Olive Garden. They were playing some old time jazz and swing over the speakers. Just after our dinner came, "I get a kick out of You" came on. We both had the urge to dance to it, so we did. We stood up out of our chairs and danced right there in the restaurant through the whole song.
We had some time before he had to get back to the airport, but not enought to actually *do* anything, so we sat in the park and wait lot of the airport and did some smooching to fog up the windows so the cars next to us coudn't see in. It was like a drive in movie, although there was no movie playing, we wouldn't have watched it anyway.
I dropped him of at the terminal and I headed back to PG when I got a call from him telling me that his flight had been delayed for two more hours. I turned around and drove back to see him for a while longer.
I was hard enough to say good bye the last time, now we would have to say it all over again. We found a place a little more private. Did I mention that he gives the best massages?
We tried to think about where our relationship will go from here. I told him that if we got married I would always be wishing and hoping that he would join the church, and I don't want to live that way or put that pressure on him, although with that aside I think we would be very happy together. I imagined myself at the edge of a pool on a summer day with a strong desire to just JUMP in and be surrounded by the refreshing water. But an invisible force keeps me on the edge.
He was amazed at himslef at how quickly he has fallen for me. He wondered if it was the same for me and if I have ever fallen so fast before. I told him that yes, I probably have fallen this quickly before and it's because I have a lot of love to give, and no one to give it all to, so I fall in and out of love quickly and easily.
It was time once again for me to drop him off. As he was getting out of the car, he stopped my breath when he told me that he loves me. He said he does not fall in love so easily, but he has with me. I found it a little harder to admit that I love him too, but I confessed to him that I do, too. Then I cried on the way home wondering what I have done and what I am to do.
We shared our religious beliefs and he mentioned that he downloaded the Book of Mormon. I was surprised yet again. I think this gave me false hope of him being interested in the church. He just wanted to know for his own curiosity, but with no intention of truly finding out if it might be true. I realized that his satisfied with his belief system and has no intention of changing. I could not dare to ask him to either. I cannot make that decision for another person.
I realized all this in the midst of making plans with him to go to San Francisco for the Tangoed up in Blues Workshop happening the following weekend. How could I say no to that? or to him? I ask you.
I was also realizing that he is every thing I could want in a companion/husband/father......if only he were Mormon! Besides that minor detail, he has come closer than any one else I have met.
He rerouted one of his flights for work with a layover in Salt Lake one Sunday afternoon. He had to beg them to put him on the waiting list because it was a full flight. He was able to get on the last seat on the plane.
I met him in SL and we went to dinner at the Olive Garden. They were playing some old time jazz and swing over the speakers. Just after our dinner came, "I get a kick out of You" came on. We both had the urge to dance to it, so we did. We stood up out of our chairs and danced right there in the restaurant through the whole song.
We had some time before he had to get back to the airport, but not enought to actually *do* anything, so we sat in the park and wait lot of the airport and did some smooching to fog up the windows so the cars next to us coudn't see in. It was like a drive in movie, although there was no movie playing, we wouldn't have watched it anyway.
I dropped him of at the terminal and I headed back to PG when I got a call from him telling me that his flight had been delayed for two more hours. I turned around and drove back to see him for a while longer.
I was hard enough to say good bye the last time, now we would have to say it all over again. We found a place a little more private. Did I mention that he gives the best massages?
We tried to think about where our relationship will go from here. I told him that if we got married I would always be wishing and hoping that he would join the church, and I don't want to live that way or put that pressure on him, although with that aside I think we would be very happy together. I imagined myself at the edge of a pool on a summer day with a strong desire to just JUMP in and be surrounded by the refreshing water. But an invisible force keeps me on the edge.
He was amazed at himslef at how quickly he has fallen for me. He wondered if it was the same for me and if I have ever fallen so fast before. I told him that yes, I probably have fallen this quickly before and it's because I have a lot of love to give, and no one to give it all to, so I fall in and out of love quickly and easily.
It was time once again for me to drop him off. As he was getting out of the car, he stopped my breath when he told me that he loves me. He said he does not fall in love so easily, but he has with me. I found it a little harder to admit that I love him too, but I confessed to him that I do, too. Then I cried on the way home wondering what I have done and what I am to do.
The Emerging Valentine
Paul gave me a call at work on Valentine's day too. He had just enough time to drive down to my neighborhood before he had to drive back to Salt Lake again to catch his flight. He wanted to see me again before he left.
I was surprised that he would take the time to do that just to see me for 25 minutes. I hurried off work to meet up with him. We met in a parking lot and just soaked up each other's affection. It was light and easy. It was strange to see him in the sun light and I noticed features about him that were hidden in the dim lights of the night before. I wanted to just look at him and learn about him.
He invited me to come to Austin to visit him there. I liked the idea, but I was unsure of how it could possibly work with Guy and my parents, etc. He offered to pay for my flight with his frequent flyer miles. I was again surprised at his generous offer and I knew I could never make it if I had to afford the flight myself. I tried not to get too settled on the idea, yet it sounded so tempting.
We didn't talk about much, it was almost like we were sunbathing under one another's gaze. The time was short because he had to catch a flight and I needed to pick up Guy. I went my way and he went his. I could feel myself starting to fall for him. I knew I liked him, but I was still holding back knowing that being with him would have eternal consequences. It still didn't stop my heart from aching for him.
I was surprised that he would take the time to do that just to see me for 25 minutes. I hurried off work to meet up with him. We met in a parking lot and just soaked up each other's affection. It was light and easy. It was strange to see him in the sun light and I noticed features about him that were hidden in the dim lights of the night before. I wanted to just look at him and learn about him.
He invited me to come to Austin to visit him there. I liked the idea, but I was unsure of how it could possibly work with Guy and my parents, etc. He offered to pay for my flight with his frequent flyer miles. I was again surprised at his generous offer and I knew I could never make it if I had to afford the flight myself. I tried not to get too settled on the idea, yet it sounded so tempting.
We didn't talk about much, it was almost like we were sunbathing under one another's gaze. The time was short because he had to catch a flight and I needed to pick up Guy. I went my way and he went his. I could feel myself starting to fall for him. I knew I liked him, but I was still holding back knowing that being with him would have eternal consequences. It still didn't stop my heart from aching for him.
The One Sided Valentine
Valentine's Day has never produced any memories of romance for me. It doesn't seem to be a good time of year for love for me. I think the topper was a few years ago when I broke up with my X on that very day.
This year, I called off my engagement just a week prior to V Day. So, naturally I did not have any great expectations for this Valentine's day either. I guess Frank had some thing else in mind though. He was still not ready to let go. He was still fighting for me love and trying to win me back. He knew that it wouldn't be that day or next week or even next month that I would be ready, but he still had hopes for the not too distant future.
At work people's sweet hearts were coming in and out carying a balloon and a card or getting roses sent to them or going out to lunch with their honey bunns. Well Frank called me up to tell me that he is coming by because he has something for me for Valentine's Day. Later in the afternoon he shows up at my work with 8 red, heart foil 'I Love You' balloons, a dozen white, pink and red roses, and a bag full of goodies at the end of the balloons. In the bag was a card, (In Spanish, mind you because they were all out of English ones). On top was a mini strawberry cheese cake, (that I ate half of at work). Under that were several jewlery boxes. The first had a long string turquise necklace. Another box had a matching turquise bracelet. Then another opal bracelet. And the last box had a pink CTR ring that happens to fit my ring finger.
It was all much too much. I didn't feel comfortable accepting all of it, but I didn't want to be rude. He was smoothering me and telling me how he wants to marry me some day and going on, and trying to kiss me, but I held back a little. He said he knows he can't buy my love.....but...he sure was trying.
After he left I got all kinds of Oooohhs and Aaahhs from those that walked by my desk. "Wow, is all that for you?, oh my gosh and those too?!" I just sat there emberrased and wanted to hide. To some I had to explain that, yes we really did break up and no I'm not leading him on.
Uh huh..
This year, I called off my engagement just a week prior to V Day. So, naturally I did not have any great expectations for this Valentine's day either. I guess Frank had some thing else in mind though. He was still not ready to let go. He was still fighting for me love and trying to win me back. He knew that it wouldn't be that day or next week or even next month that I would be ready, but he still had hopes for the not too distant future.
At work people's sweet hearts were coming in and out carying a balloon and a card or getting roses sent to them or going out to lunch with their honey bunns. Well Frank called me up to tell me that he is coming by because he has something for me for Valentine's Day. Later in the afternoon he shows up at my work with 8 red, heart foil 'I Love You' balloons, a dozen white, pink and red roses, and a bag full of goodies at the end of the balloons. In the bag was a card, (In Spanish, mind you because they were all out of English ones). On top was a mini strawberry cheese cake, (that I ate half of at work). Under that were several jewlery boxes. The first had a long string turquise necklace. Another box had a matching turquise bracelet. Then another opal bracelet. And the last box had a pink CTR ring that happens to fit my ring finger.
It was all much too much. I didn't feel comfortable accepting all of it, but I didn't want to be rude. He was smoothering me and telling me how he wants to marry me some day and going on, and trying to kiss me, but I held back a little. He said he knows he can't buy my love.....but...he sure was trying.
After he left I got all kinds of Oooohhs and Aaahhs from those that walked by my desk. "Wow, is all that for you?, oh my gosh and those too?!" I just sat there emberrased and wanted to hide. To some I had to explain that, yes we really did break up and no I'm not leading him on.
Uh huh..
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
The Queen of Blues
I checked in with the Swing Forum after I broke up with Frank to become reaquainted with the current swing venues. There was a post from an out of towner looking for a place to dance while he was in town for one night. He suggested either swing or Blues. I took some time to look into what the city had to offer that night. It was the 13th of February that he would be in town, the night before Valentine's Day and it seemed that most of the clubs were saving themsleves for the next night, but I did manage to find a regular blues band that plays on Mondays at the Zanzibar. I had never heard of the band, nor had I been to the club so I really didn't know what it had to offer, but I threw it out there to see if he or anyone else was interested.
So, he takes me up on the suggestion and it turned out that we were the only ones up for it. It became a date between the two of us and he even offered to take me out ot dinner before. I didn't know whether or not he was a Mormon and expected that he wasn't. It didn't concern me because he would only be here for one night and he lives in freakin' Austin, Texas and we were just two people who wanted to go dancing.
He is a Vegetarian, so he asked about a vegetarian restaurant. I found several restaurants online, but finding one that was open on a monday after 6pm was the challenge. There were a few to choose from, but the first one we met at had changed names and was closed, so I hopped in his car (while I was getting my purse from my car, I realized that I didn't have my drivers license with me. I had pulled my old stunt again and left it in my coat pocket from the dance the previous weekend) and we searched for the next one on my list, only to discover that it too had closed already. Then it occured to me that the Olive Garden would be open and I know they have vegetarian dishes.
We both had the eggplant parmegane. We talked about religion, and how we got into dancing. I told him I was kind of new to Blues dancing. I took one very basic lesson last summer and I got a taste of it from some of the guys that I knew how to dance it, but I let him know partly as a warning because I really didn't know what level I was at, so I didn't want him to be disappointed.
After dinner he was cool enought to drive down to my house so I could get my ID so we can go dancing as planned. In the car we discussed ex-spouces and shared some crazy things we have done. The time I went skinny dipping is what I usually think of first.
We found Zanzibar quite easily. I was this little whole in the wall with a tiny stage and dance floor and some table and chairs set up in front of the bar. There were a handfull of people there diggin the band, none of which were dancing though. We sat through the rest of the song that was playing then he ( I give him the name Paul, after an old crush I had in college the he reminds me of), Paul asked if I wanted to dance.
I was immediately comfortable with dancing with him, which is important in Blues because the dancing is done so closely. He is a very smooth and easy lead. I loved how he payed such close attention to the changes in the music and lead accordingly. The band and the audience seemed to enjoy watching us. We only had two songs before the band took a break. When we sat down after the second song he sarcastically (60/40) asked me,"Will you marry me?" We both chuckled. I guess I was doing ok out there. I told him I wasn't sure how I would do because it had been a while and didn't have much experience at it. He assured me that he would dance Blues with me any time. He brought up the point that if we were to tell the other people there watching us dance that we had never danced together before or even met before tonight that they wouldn't believe us.
While sitting together he asked what I want to be when I grow up life goals, like my owning a costume shop. He shared some stories of when he worked in the wardrope department at his High School. He even admitted that he can sew!..and that he has been mistaken for being gay, but he assured me that he isn't.
He felt the impulse to give me a neck massage and I wasn't about to refuse. He is so gentle and acurate about the massage that I was melting like butter. Now I was really loosened up for dancing again when the band came back to play.
We were falling in love on the dance floor and in front of an audience. We sat one out for the guest singer. There was a magnetic pull between the tops of our heads as we sat together closely. Then the pull rotated to our faces and settled on our lips. It seemed natural that we should kiss and we did. It was a little reserved because of the setting, so it left me wanting for more. We had a few more fabulous dances before we left.
He drove me back to my car. We lingered to enjoyed each other's company and affection for a while longer, durring which time I tried to explain to him why 'we' could never be because I want to marry some one in the temple so that it will last forever, but I think all he heard was, "I can't marry you because you are not Mormon."
(By the title I am not implying that I am the queen of blues dancers, but the queen of having the blues over always having to break up with my dates.)
So, he takes me up on the suggestion and it turned out that we were the only ones up for it. It became a date between the two of us and he even offered to take me out ot dinner before. I didn't know whether or not he was a Mormon and expected that he wasn't. It didn't concern me because he would only be here for one night and he lives in freakin' Austin, Texas and we were just two people who wanted to go dancing.
He is a Vegetarian, so he asked about a vegetarian restaurant. I found several restaurants online, but finding one that was open on a monday after 6pm was the challenge. There were a few to choose from, but the first one we met at had changed names and was closed, so I hopped in his car (while I was getting my purse from my car, I realized that I didn't have my drivers license with me. I had pulled my old stunt again and left it in my coat pocket from the dance the previous weekend) and we searched for the next one on my list, only to discover that it too had closed already. Then it occured to me that the Olive Garden would be open and I know they have vegetarian dishes.
We both had the eggplant parmegane. We talked about religion, and how we got into dancing. I told him I was kind of new to Blues dancing. I took one very basic lesson last summer and I got a taste of it from some of the guys that I knew how to dance it, but I let him know partly as a warning because I really didn't know what level I was at, so I didn't want him to be disappointed.
After dinner he was cool enought to drive down to my house so I could get my ID so we can go dancing as planned. In the car we discussed ex-spouces and shared some crazy things we have done. The time I went skinny dipping is what I usually think of first.
We found Zanzibar quite easily. I was this little whole in the wall with a tiny stage and dance floor and some table and chairs set up in front of the bar. There were a handfull of people there diggin the band, none of which were dancing though. We sat through the rest of the song that was playing then he ( I give him the name Paul, after an old crush I had in college the he reminds me of), Paul asked if I wanted to dance.
I was immediately comfortable with dancing with him, which is important in Blues because the dancing is done so closely. He is a very smooth and easy lead. I loved how he payed such close attention to the changes in the music and lead accordingly. The band and the audience seemed to enjoy watching us. We only had two songs before the band took a break. When we sat down after the second song he sarcastically (60/40) asked me,"Will you marry me?" We both chuckled. I guess I was doing ok out there. I told him I wasn't sure how I would do because it had been a while and didn't have much experience at it. He assured me that he would dance Blues with me any time. He brought up the point that if we were to tell the other people there watching us dance that we had never danced together before or even met before tonight that they wouldn't believe us.
While sitting together he asked what I want to be when I grow up life goals, like my owning a costume shop. He shared some stories of when he worked in the wardrope department at his High School. He even admitted that he can sew!..and that he has been mistaken for being gay, but he assured me that he isn't.
He felt the impulse to give me a neck massage and I wasn't about to refuse. He is so gentle and acurate about the massage that I was melting like butter. Now I was really loosened up for dancing again when the band came back to play.
We were falling in love on the dance floor and in front of an audience. We sat one out for the guest singer. There was a magnetic pull between the tops of our heads as we sat together closely. Then the pull rotated to our faces and settled on our lips. It seemed natural that we should kiss and we did. It was a little reserved because of the setting, so it left me wanting for more. We had a few more fabulous dances before we left.
He drove me back to my car. We lingered to enjoyed each other's company and affection for a while longer, durring which time I tried to explain to him why 'we' could never be because I want to marry some one in the temple so that it will last forever, but I think all he heard was, "I can't marry you because you are not Mormon."
(By the title I am not implying that I am the queen of blues dancers, but the queen of having the blues over always having to break up with my dates.)
Thursday, February 16, 2006
BYU Swing Dance
Saturday night, I went to the BYU Swing dance. I was invited several other places, including the performance of Lame O's friend (who was not a Lame'O) from Detroit at Borders. I needed some swing dancing.
It was strange to be in that ballroom again. I think the last time I had been there was with X and he pulled some crazy karate move on me or something that either hurt me or made me look like a fool. I got upset and left the floor in the middle of the dance. We left immediatly after that.
I found some babyfaced kid to dance with and as we were walking onto the dance floor, I heard someone calling my name. It was some one from my old Ward in Citrus Heights. He and his sister were at the dance. After the song was over we caught eachother up on where our lives and our families are at now. They knew about my divorce, not sure how, but I suppose news like that travels fast. Sweet kids.
OK, so in all the kids there are still 5 years younger than me, except for the one non-mormon BYU coach that I already fell for and dusted my feet of. I had a good time anyway. They are in such their own little click. They rarely go outside their comfort zone to ask a girl to dance. I noticed though, that the guys rarely have to ask a girl to dance because the girls all race to get to the guy they want to dance with before another girl does.
Overall, it was pretty good. I did more asking and sitting on the stage than I would have liked to, but I'm glad I went, even if I did give up three other invitations for dates. Phewy.
I like swing at the MAC better. There are some other places to go. We'll see how they compare.
It was strange to be in that ballroom again. I think the last time I had been there was with X and he pulled some crazy karate move on me or something that either hurt me or made me look like a fool. I got upset and left the floor in the middle of the dance. We left immediatly after that.
I found some babyfaced kid to dance with and as we were walking onto the dance floor, I heard someone calling my name. It was some one from my old Ward in Citrus Heights. He and his sister were at the dance. After the song was over we caught eachother up on where our lives and our families are at now. They knew about my divorce, not sure how, but I suppose news like that travels fast. Sweet kids.
OK, so in all the kids there are still 5 years younger than me, except for the one non-mormon BYU coach that I already fell for and dusted my feet of. I had a good time anyway. They are in such their own little click. They rarely go outside their comfort zone to ask a girl to dance. I noticed though, that the guys rarely have to ask a girl to dance because the girls all race to get to the guy they want to dance with before another girl does.
Overall, it was pretty good. I did more asking and sitting on the stage than I would have liked to, but I'm glad I went, even if I did give up three other invitations for dates. Phewy.
I like swing at the MAC better. There are some other places to go. We'll see how they compare.
My First Night Out After Being Ungaged
I promised myself that I would Dance or Die!, the weekend after I broke it off with Frank. This kid I met from an online service, called me up to invite me to a dance happening at Trolly Square. On my way there I realized as I listened to the ad on the radio that it was an LDS Promise dance. I wasn't sure just how promising it would be.
I wore my tight little jeans with the pink kitty on the rear, a pink shirt and my white rabbit fur coat that I bought recently at a thrift store. I was considering selling it on ebay because it's a little small, but I think I changed my mind. The dance turned out to be not so bad. I think my coat got me noticed. I danced with four different guys and gave out my number to two of them. Both wanted to take me out salsa dancing. One of them owns a used car lot. He has some sweet rides of his own. The one guy that actually caught my eye, left before I got to meet him. I saw him watching me dance but I think he was turned off by what he may have thought was competition.
I danced the last fast dance with the kid that invited me. He is a R&B musician from England. He used to be a professional dancer, but he suffers from Arthritis now. He asked me for a ride home. We took a detour by way of Dee's. The guy is 40 years old, does not have a car, and works temp jobs. I paid for his steak dinner. He acted hungry, but admitted he did not have the cash, so I told him to order whatever he wanted. He promised to make it up to me and take me out to dinner another time. ie: I can drive up to Salt Lake and pick him up in my car so we can go out to dinner at Arctic Circle so he can buy me a burger. I just had hot chocolate.
No, you can bet I won't be going out with him anymore. I wonder if he would give me the number to his friend who just moved to PG from Denver, that I met at the dance?
I wore my tight little jeans with the pink kitty on the rear, a pink shirt and my white rabbit fur coat that I bought recently at a thrift store. I was considering selling it on ebay because it's a little small, but I think I changed my mind. The dance turned out to be not so bad. I think my coat got me noticed. I danced with four different guys and gave out my number to two of them. Both wanted to take me out salsa dancing. One of them owns a used car lot. He has some sweet rides of his own. The one guy that actually caught my eye, left before I got to meet him. I saw him watching me dance but I think he was turned off by what he may have thought was competition.
I danced the last fast dance with the kid that invited me. He is a R&B musician from England. He used to be a professional dancer, but he suffers from Arthritis now. He asked me for a ride home. We took a detour by way of Dee's. The guy is 40 years old, does not have a car, and works temp jobs. I paid for his steak dinner. He acted hungry, but admitted he did not have the cash, so I told him to order whatever he wanted. He promised to make it up to me and take me out to dinner another time. ie: I can drive up to Salt Lake and pick him up in my car so we can go out to dinner at Arctic Circle so he can buy me a burger. I just had hot chocolate.
No, you can bet I won't be going out with him anymore. I wonder if he would give me the number to his friend who just moved to PG from Denver, that I met at the dance?
The Wrestling no Match
I signed back up on the LDS dating web site. There are so ver many more people on there. They must get 100 new people a day. I was innondated with smiles and cards, emails and pm's within the first few days. It was difficult to respond to all of them, so I choose not to respond to some, others got a thanks, but no thanks. Then there were a few older men that seemed like possiblities, they hit me up for a night out of dancing.
The first date I made was with this student from UVSC. I was hesitant when I found out that it was my pictures with my arms raised and centered on my chest that got his attention. And here I thought it was because of all the charming things I said in my profile, that they would want me for my personality.? Huh, I guess I was giving men too much credit.
So, Skippy got very creative on where we should go for our date. It was agreed that it needed to be in public place so that he would not be tempted to find out what was under that yellow sweater. Of all places, he took me to Highschool Wrestling! I busted out laughing when he told me where we were going. I thought he was kidding. No, he wasn't. The McKay Center was having a HS Wrestling championship for three days. We stayed for maybe 40 minutes, about 40 minutes longer than I cared to stay. I pretended to be interested. I didn't have a clue about the rules, so he was filling me in.
We stopped in at Krispy Kream to have some hot chocolate and a donut after. I got the impression that he was ready to call it a night, then he asked about what happened with my ex-husband and I tried to make the very long story brief. We talked about live music for a while.
Then he said what I was thinking, "Well, it's almost 10:00, shall we call it a night?"
The first date I made was with this student from UVSC. I was hesitant when I found out that it was my pictures with my arms raised and centered on my chest that got his attention. And here I thought it was because of all the charming things I said in my profile, that they would want me for my personality.? Huh, I guess I was giving men too much credit.
So, Skippy got very creative on where we should go for our date. It was agreed that it needed to be in public place so that he would not be tempted to find out what was under that yellow sweater. Of all places, he took me to Highschool Wrestling! I busted out laughing when he told me where we were going. I thought he was kidding. No, he wasn't. The McKay Center was having a HS Wrestling championship for three days. We stayed for maybe 40 minutes, about 40 minutes longer than I cared to stay. I pretended to be interested. I didn't have a clue about the rules, so he was filling me in.
We stopped in at Krispy Kream to have some hot chocolate and a donut after. I got the impression that he was ready to call it a night, then he asked about what happened with my ex-husband and I tried to make the very long story brief. We talked about live music for a while.
Then he said what I was thinking, "Well, it's almost 10:00, shall we call it a night?"
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
What's behind Door #46?
I need to write in the present for a while, because it is what is happening in my life right now that I long to express.
Friday night, January 27th after dropping (ok, I am now referring to Frankenstein as Frank to save me a few letters to type) Frank off at his brother's house, I got the impression that I needed to go to the Temple. I had good intentions to, several times, but I felt an urgency about it this time. The following Thrusday I was able to make arangements with my mother for her to watch Guy for me while I went.
I was seeking an answer regarding whether or not I should marry Frank. I still could not feel 100% sure about it. While in the temple, I imagined Frank there going through for the first time. It was a challenge to picture him being very serious about it all. I expected to look over and see him looking at me wonering what in the world was going on. All through the session I was still feeling ok about it. When I went into the Celestial room, I blocked out all the people standing around, crouding the room. I prayed for some kind of inspiration regarding Frank.
I heard the Lord speak to me in my mind. He told me that if I married Frank, that I would be okay~. Then he posed the question to me, "but what if I had some one else in mind for you?" Then the face of one of the elders that served on my mission came to my mind.
I have not kept in touch with any of the elders from my mission. I did see him at the quaint mission Christmas party, but we did not say much to eachother. I was already engaged to Frank at the time.
I adore him and I know there has been more than one sister missionary that would have liked to marry him. He has a wonderful singing voice and a great smile, and I know he is very nice. I was watching him play with my old companion's kids that were there at the party. They were loving it.
I knew that if I were to persue this, whether it would be this elder or not, I realized that I needed to break up with Frank to allow me to explore my other options.
My other assignment from the Lord, in the Celestial room was to call this missionary companion of mine with the kids, who happened to marry an elder from our mission and I believe he and this other elder keep in touch. Perhaps the word will get passed along to him that I am available again.
I guess it's up to him now.
In the mean time, I have been thrown back to the wolves and I am dating again.
Friday night, January 27th after dropping (ok, I am now referring to Frankenstein as Frank to save me a few letters to type) Frank off at his brother's house, I got the impression that I needed to go to the Temple. I had good intentions to, several times, but I felt an urgency about it this time. The following Thrusday I was able to make arangements with my mother for her to watch Guy for me while I went.
I was seeking an answer regarding whether or not I should marry Frank. I still could not feel 100% sure about it. While in the temple, I imagined Frank there going through for the first time. It was a challenge to picture him being very serious about it all. I expected to look over and see him looking at me wonering what in the world was going on. All through the session I was still feeling ok about it. When I went into the Celestial room, I blocked out all the people standing around, crouding the room. I prayed for some kind of inspiration regarding Frank.
I heard the Lord speak to me in my mind. He told me that if I married Frank, that I would be okay~. Then he posed the question to me, "but what if I had some one else in mind for you?" Then the face of one of the elders that served on my mission came to my mind.
I have not kept in touch with any of the elders from my mission. I did see him at the quaint mission Christmas party, but we did not say much to eachother. I was already engaged to Frank at the time.
I adore him and I know there has been more than one sister missionary that would have liked to marry him. He has a wonderful singing voice and a great smile, and I know he is very nice. I was watching him play with my old companion's kids that were there at the party. They were loving it.
I knew that if I were to persue this, whether it would be this elder or not, I realized that I needed to break up with Frank to allow me to explore my other options.
My other assignment from the Lord, in the Celestial room was to call this missionary companion of mine with the kids, who happened to marry an elder from our mission and I believe he and this other elder keep in touch. Perhaps the word will get passed along to him that I am available again.
I guess it's up to him now.
In the mean time, I have been thrown back to the wolves and I am dating again.
Christmas Adventure
For Christmas, Frankenstein and Guy and I visited with this family that moved into Frankenstein's apartment complex from Sudan. They are refugees. We brought them clothes and toys. Guy did very well with sharing his old toys with them.
Then Guy wanted to go on a train ride, so we took TRAX up to Temple Square to see the lights. When we got off trax, there was a street performer getting ready to put on a show. He juggled flaming batons, tossed a bowling ball with his foot and caught it on his head... etc.
We wandered around the square quickly, then headed back because it was too cold for Guy to be out very long.
Then we came back to my parent's house and we all opened our gifts for eachother.My major gift from Frankenstein was a digital camera. As you can see, it doesn't take the most high quality pictures. I think I have learned how to use it a bit better since the first pictures I took, but it can only do so much. I picked it out from ebay. I think Frankenstein thought I was ripped off, but I like that it is so small and light it even fits in my purse or pocket, so that it is not such a burden to take with me wherever I might want a camera with me without having to feel like I need a press pass.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Tonsillectomy
I happened to see in Guy's throat one day when he was laughing. I wondered if I was looking down the throat of a cartoon character, the way his tonsills were enlarged and dangling in the back of his mouth. They were each the size of a large grape. I wondered how he had been eating and why he hadn't complained of a sore throat.
I took him into the Dr. thinking he may have been exposed to Strep Throat, which Frankenstein was just getting over. The quick test in the office was negative. His cold symptoms cleared up, so I figured he was over whatever it was, but when looking at them again a week later, they were still just as enormous. I took him in again to have them do the test that goes to the lab, the culture. It also came up negative.
I suggested to his Dr. that he might need a tonsillectomy. He proceeded to give me this lecture about how several years ago they would take a child's tonsills out more readily, but in children his age, it's normal for their tonsills to swell, especially when they are fighting a virus. Then when they turn, about 10 they tend to shrink back to a normal size. This was before he looked in his throat again. He realized immediately that needed to come out, so he referred me to an Oncologyst.
I got the same lecture from the Oncologyst before he looked in his mouth. He asked me if he is experiencing sleep apnea or if he compains of a sore throat, or if he has any trouble eating. Guy did not indicate to me that he was experiencing any of these symptoms, so the Oncologyst was surprised when he looked in his throat and saw the size of his tonsills. He said they use a scale of 1 to 4 and 4 is touching, but Guy's were actually pressing against eachother.
It didn't take any more convincing for him to realize that they needed to come out. He said that Guy has probably only been getting 60-70% of the sleeps that he needs. He said his body is working hard just get enough air while he is sleeping that he can't really relax and go into the deep sleep as in the REM state.
By the time he was done I half expected to have a new child after the surgery was over. He would get more rest, which would mean he wouldn't be as irritable, he wouldn't be constantly sick and irritable.
December 14th, we went early in the morning to the surgery clinic. Guy was so very brave when he had to leave with the nurse. He didn't even cry. He wasn't too happy when he woke up from the anestesia. After resting for an hour he woke up with a bunch of energy. He even thought he wanted to eat some of the nachos we brought home for lunch. After a few minutes at the table, he just slithered down from his chair and put himself to bed with his Blue Bear that he got for being so brave.
He recovered fairly quickly. In plenty of time to enjoy Christmas.
California Drivers...
I finally got my Utah driver's license. Just in time to get a speeding ticket a few hours later!
Who is Mr. Right?
November 15: I'm really not sure how this is all going to play out with [Frankenstein] and I. There was a period where I debated whether I should break up with him and move on. I have dated many, many guys, but there is always something from the basic requirements that they lack. Those requirements are: over 27 years old, LDS and active * bonus if they have a recommend or are an RM, out of college, have a decent steady job, speak English, physically fit, moderately good looking, with a personality, mentally ready for marriage, who'll treat me nice and not take advantage of me, gets along well with my son, can handle becoming an instant father, and who doesn't already have two or more children of his own that he has to pay child support for. Not to mention that there needs to be some attraction and similar interests. I used to hope that he would even be a swing dancer. I hate to say that I am settling. I suppose I could continue dating for the next 10 years and settle when Guy is 13 and I am too old to have any more children so I become a second mother to my new husbands teenagers. I guess I have given up in my search for Mr. Right. So for one to say that I could have any man doesn't mean much to me. Unless I just don't know where to meet them.
A recommend is now a requirement, not just a bonus.
A recommend is now a requirement, not just a bonus.
Civil or Celestial?
November 14: I guess there's really no reason why we couldn't be engaged before everything else happens. As wonderful as [Frankenstein] is, I just don't want to give my parents a heart attack, when I announce to them that I am going to marry a man who doesn't have a job or a car or a home or a temple recommend. Can you imagine? I mean I have to live with them, too (for a while longer). Yes, it did turn out to be a blessing that I was never sealed to my last husband. The civil divorce alone took over a year, partly because I lost contact with him a couple times because he was couch surfing and homeless after I left him. His first wife waited that long for him to write the letter that is required by the temple, explaining why they divorced. It was necessary in order to cancel the sealing so she could be remarried.
A New Member of the Family
November 5: Guy and I went to Petsmart and got him a new pet. When he picked out a fire belly toad for his friend's birthday, I promised Guy he could have one too. But he decided he wanted a mouse instead. So we set him up with a new cage and all the fixin's. Her name is Ebony because she is all black. My brother's cat sure likes her!
Little did we know that we should have named her Houdini. In a week, we discovered that she managed to squeeze her way out of the cage. I spotted her one morning on my way to work, but she darted into some clothes that I looked through, but I could not find her again. Two days later I put on my coat and I was alarmed when I felt something moving inside the sleeve. I ripped the coat off, after I let out a little yelp. I felt around the coat to find her, but I could not feel her when I set the coat on the floor and ran my hands over it. I put the coat on again, thinking it was either my imagination or that she had escaped from the coat already. Then again I felt her crawling in the lining of my coat. I managed to trap her and put her back in her cage.
I put more wire around and through the wider spaces in her cage, but it didn't keep her from getting out the very same night. The cat discovered her in the pantry. I was able to corner her and put her back in her cage, after putting more extra wire on it.
This mouse got out yet again. And she stayed out for several weeks until we started moving to the new house. We had all written her off, but there she was all along in Aaron and Kari's pantry, scarfing down the beans and peas.
She had become so fat this time, that she can no longer fit through her cage!
Halloween
October 31: Robbie and Guy and I went trick or treating through the Sandy Mall, then through the neighborhood. We had a good time. Guy got scared by the Dragon's lair in our neighbor's garage. They go all out for Halloween. There were lit up ghosts flying around the houses in the court with a wire cable.
Guy wanted to be Superman Guy for Halloween, so I stayed up late making a costume for him. I made an S out of yellow felt and red velveteen and sewed it to a blue sweatshirt, then attached a red satin cape at the collar. Then I made the cutest little red velveteen shorts, but I managed to forget to put a zipper in them so they were a little tight going on, but I just knew they would fit once they got over his hiney. He refused to wear them and the spats. *Sigh..*
No, I don't have any pictures of that either! My sister in law took several, but I still have not layed eyes on them, even after much asking.
I dressed as a flapper girl for work and wore my mink stoll with my brown, mini-polka-dot, crepe, hankerchief hem dress, brown fish-nets and finger waves in my hair.
Guy wanted to be Superman Guy for Halloween, so I stayed up late making a costume for him. I made an S out of yellow felt and red velveteen and sewed it to a blue sweatshirt, then attached a red satin cape at the collar. Then I made the cutest little red velveteen shorts, but I managed to forget to put a zipper in them so they were a little tight going on, but I just knew they would fit once they got over his hiney. He refused to wear them and the spats. *Sigh..*
No, I don't have any pictures of that either! My sister in law took several, but I still have not layed eyes on them, even after much asking.
I dressed as a flapper girl for work and wore my mink stoll with my brown, mini-polka-dot, crepe, hankerchief hem dress, brown fish-nets and finger waves in my hair.
What Did You Say The Answer Was?
October 4: My man and I are doing great. My bishop asked me to see him last Sunday. He is so concerned for me that he prays for me each morning and night. He told me how the Lord was speaking to him at the Ward activity earlier in the week, telling him that I need to be married. He wanted to find out what has been happening in my life and if there was anything he could do to help me find a husband. I told him about [Frankenstein] and I told him that I still go back and forth about whether he is right for me or not. My Bishop gave me a blessing that I would receive an answer within a week that I may know what is right for me. I went home that night and made a wish list of the things that I want in a husband and compared [Frankenstein] to that list. He scored about 80%. Then I prayed for an answer. The answer was "Yes, Yes, Yes, one thousand times, YES". About the same time I was praying, Robbie was being arrested! Is that ironic or what?
I should explain that Frankenstein was in Arizona for about 10 days, working on a job for his friend installing shelving for a new store. After I studied and prayed and got my answer and read the scriptures, I got a call from Frankenstein. He was out with his friend and on his way back to the hotel he called me from a pay phone and said he would call me when he got back to his room. I never heard back from him.
His friend became worried because he did not come home that night, nor did he show up for work on Monday, so he reported him missing on Tuesday Morning. We learned, rather quickly that he was in jail. I finally hear from Frankenstein later that a fternoon. He tells me how he decided to have one last night of "sin" or what ever, so he had a few drinks. After he got off the phone with me, he had an accident on his bike. The police arrested him for obstructing traffic because his bicycle was in the road. They kept him in jail for two nights until noon on Tuesday, after they could have a court hearing.
In my prayer asking for an answer, I confessed that I have a hard time trusting myself or the Spirit. I let him know that I would need a solid answer, one that could not be misread or mistaken. I also asked for greater faith, that I may not doubt or question whatever answer I may receive.
I still do not understand how I could have received such a strong positive answer about him at the very moment that he is off having some drinks in a bar.
Before I even knew this and I only knew that he was missing, I was ready to write him off and I got back online looking for some one else to go out with.
When I finally spoke to him on Tuesday, he was so very sorry and appologetic, that I had compassion on him and decided to forgive him. He gained a new sense of commitment and wanted to become engaged. I began looking for green diamond rings on ebay, and I had one ordered by the time he got back.
I should explain that Frankenstein was in Arizona for about 10 days, working on a job for his friend installing shelving for a new store. After I studied and prayed and got my answer and read the scriptures, I got a call from Frankenstein. He was out with his friend and on his way back to the hotel he called me from a pay phone and said he would call me when he got back to his room. I never heard back from him.
His friend became worried because he did not come home that night, nor did he show up for work on Monday, so he reported him missing on Tuesday Morning. We learned, rather quickly that he was in jail. I finally hear from Frankenstein later that a fternoon. He tells me how he decided to have one last night of "sin" or what ever, so he had a few drinks. After he got off the phone with me, he had an accident on his bike. The police arrested him for obstructing traffic because his bicycle was in the road. They kept him in jail for two nights until noon on Tuesday, after they could have a court hearing.
In my prayer asking for an answer, I confessed that I have a hard time trusting myself or the Spirit. I let him know that I would need a solid answer, one that could not be misread or mistaken. I also asked for greater faith, that I may not doubt or question whatever answer I may receive.
I still do not understand how I could have received such a strong positive answer about him at the very moment that he is off having some drinks in a bar.
Before I even knew this and I only knew that he was missing, I was ready to write him off and I got back online looking for some one else to go out with.
When I finally spoke to him on Tuesday, he was so very sorry and appologetic, that I had compassion on him and decided to forgive him. He gained a new sense of commitment and wanted to become engaged. I began looking for green diamond rings on ebay, and I had one ordered by the time he got back.
A Milestone in Potty Training
September 12: So, Guy got his candy bar Saturday night. He was also dry on Friday and Saturday! That makes three days of having dry pants! Which was part of another bargain that we made about a month ago. I promised him this book that he wanted if he could have three dry days. I need to get that for him today. I think he may actually be trained! He even goes in public rest rooms, too. I think [Frankenstein] has helped him with this a lot. He even went potty two times with Grandpa at the store on Saturday. It is such a miracle and a blessing!
Monday, February 06, 2006
Summary
The following entries summarize the last few months of my life. The portion in blue was extracted from emails that were exchanged with the morning receptionist that I fill in for in the afternoon.
I'm back
I'm back to blogging. I haven't written any new entries for a few months. Mostly since I started dating Frankenstein. I think part of the reason was because I was able to share my feeling with him and didn't feel the need to express them on here. Another reason was because there were some feelings that I did not want to share with him, and I knew that he read my blogs, so I have been keeping them locked up inside. I thought about starting a new blog, but it just seemed disconnected. Now I am ready to get them out and let them go.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
A Second Visit With X
I allowed X to visit with Guy for a second time. Frankenstein was interested in coming with me this time. I think partly out of curiosity and out of a desire to protect me. He is sure that my X wants to get back together with me. I think he has some regrets, but I don't think his intention is to win me over.
We met at the same place. X wore the same thing as he did on the first visit. It was a few days before Guy's birthday so, X brought Guy a birthday party in a bag. Inside the huge Spongebob gift bag was a Spongebob Poster, a package of Spongebob underwear, a yard of Spongebob material, a Spiderman folding chair, cupcakes with Spongebob rings on top and grape bottle shaped drinks.
When their novelty wore off, X went with Guy to play on the playground while Frankenstein and I looked on. Guy was feeling bashful around X. He came back over to us and wanted to play with Frankenstein. X gave Guy a couple more chances to warm up to him, but Guy made it obvious who he prefered. X left after watching on for a few minutes.
I felt badly for X and I tried to encourage Guy to play with him because he wants to be his friend. It was an awkward situation for all of us. We enjoyed our time at the park anyway, after he left.
X wants to see Guy again, but he won't come if he know's that Frankenstein is going to be there. He has not given me any money so far. Granted he gave Guy some birthday gifts, should that count for something?
I am inclined to give him one more chance to come up with some money before I put an end to the visits.
We met at the same place. X wore the same thing as he did on the first visit. It was a few days before Guy's birthday so, X brought Guy a birthday party in a bag. Inside the huge Spongebob gift bag was a Spongebob Poster, a package of Spongebob underwear, a yard of Spongebob material, a Spiderman folding chair, cupcakes with Spongebob rings on top and grape bottle shaped drinks.
When their novelty wore off, X went with Guy to play on the playground while Frankenstein and I looked on. Guy was feeling bashful around X. He came back over to us and wanted to play with Frankenstein. X gave Guy a couple more chances to warm up to him, but Guy made it obvious who he prefered. X left after watching on for a few minutes.
I felt badly for X and I tried to encourage Guy to play with him because he wants to be his friend. It was an awkward situation for all of us. We enjoyed our time at the park anyway, after he left.
X wants to see Guy again, but he won't come if he know's that Frankenstein is going to be there. He has not given me any money so far. Granted he gave Guy some birthday gifts, should that count for something?
I am inclined to give him one more chance to come up with some money before I put an end to the visits.
Three Down!
This month was Guy's birthday month. His birthday is August 13th, but we used it as an excuse to celebrate about 5 times. On the night of his actually birthday, we bought a carrot cake and lit the candles in the tent that Frankenstien pitched on the front lawn. We had so much fun singing and exagerating the Birthday song that Guy wanted us to sing it again.
We held off the big party until Grandma came to town. Grandmpa got back with Grandpa on a Friday night and the party was planned for Saturday afternoon. We had a truck load of boxes and furniture to unload and hid away on Saturday morning and still do a few preparations for the party. I could feel a cold coming on that morning and I strained my knee while carrying boxes up the stairs.
I made the final touches of the Sponge Bob Square Pants Cake, early that morning. I started making the cake on Friday morning. It took several steps. The cake was a yellow cake that I punched a few holes in then turned over in a pan and poured green jello over the cake. That set overnight. In the mean time I melted chocolate; white and milk chocolate/peanutbutter chips to make a light brown for his shorts. I poured the chocolate onto some foil on a flat surface to form a sheet. I cut out the pieces to make the eyes, teeth, shirt and shorts. Then I formed arms/hands by cutting licorice ropes and holding them with tooth picks. Then I dipped them in the white chocolate, let them set, then painted them with yellow food coloring. I did the same for the legs. I formed a piece of laughy taffy to make his toung and used colored piping to outline his features. It was one amazing cake.
We had some outside activities, such as jellyfishing. I found some toy fishing/bug nets and I inflated some water balloons with helium that I flung into the air as the kids gathered around to catch them in their nets.
For decor off of the balcony, I hung a fishing net and hung some other jellyfishes that I made from balloons and pink tights that I cut and sewed to fit over clear balloons with tenticles and spots and all.
Then we went inside for some home made Crabby Patties, hamburgers, hot dogs and fruit salad. Even the ice cubes were star shaped.
After that we went back outside for a sponge toss.
We came in again for cake and ice cream. When I brought out the cake, everyone OOoohed and Aaahhed. Between my brother and his wife I think they took about a roll of pictures of the cake before anyone could touch it. Everyone Ooohhed and Aaahhhed. The pictures that Aaron took with my dad's new digital camera ALL got accidentally erased. And I still haven't seen the one's that Kari took.
Mental Note: I need a digital camera, badly.
Finally Guy got to open his presents. Everyone gathered around and all eyes were on him when he blurts out, "I gotta go Pee!"
He was just starting to go on the toilet on a regular basis. He was doing good with going pee, but the poop was still ending up in his pants. I was so proud of him though, for not being embarrased to go when he needed to.
He got some really special and fun gifts from his friends, including some hand drawn cards from the girls behind us.
Happy 3rd Birthday, My Guy Smiley!
We held off the big party until Grandma came to town. Grandmpa got back with Grandpa on a Friday night and the party was planned for Saturday afternoon. We had a truck load of boxes and furniture to unload and hid away on Saturday morning and still do a few preparations for the party. I could feel a cold coming on that morning and I strained my knee while carrying boxes up the stairs.
I made the final touches of the Sponge Bob Square Pants Cake, early that morning. I started making the cake on Friday morning. It took several steps. The cake was a yellow cake that I punched a few holes in then turned over in a pan and poured green jello over the cake. That set overnight. In the mean time I melted chocolate; white and milk chocolate/peanutbutter chips to make a light brown for his shorts. I poured the chocolate onto some foil on a flat surface to form a sheet. I cut out the pieces to make the eyes, teeth, shirt and shorts. Then I formed arms/hands by cutting licorice ropes and holding them with tooth picks. Then I dipped them in the white chocolate, let them set, then painted them with yellow food coloring. I did the same for the legs. I formed a piece of laughy taffy to make his toung and used colored piping to outline his features. It was one amazing cake.
We had some outside activities, such as jellyfishing. I found some toy fishing/bug nets and I inflated some water balloons with helium that I flung into the air as the kids gathered around to catch them in their nets.
For decor off of the balcony, I hung a fishing net and hung some other jellyfishes that I made from balloons and pink tights that I cut and sewed to fit over clear balloons with tenticles and spots and all.
Then we went inside for some home made Crabby Patties, hamburgers, hot dogs and fruit salad. Even the ice cubes were star shaped.
After that we went back outside for a sponge toss.
We came in again for cake and ice cream. When I brought out the cake, everyone OOoohed and Aaahhed. Between my brother and his wife I think they took about a roll of pictures of the cake before anyone could touch it. Everyone Ooohhed and Aaahhhed. The pictures that Aaron took with my dad's new digital camera ALL got accidentally erased. And I still haven't seen the one's that Kari took.
Mental Note: I need a digital camera, badly.
Finally Guy got to open his presents. Everyone gathered around and all eyes were on him when he blurts out, "I gotta go Pee!"
He was just starting to go on the toilet on a regular basis. He was doing good with going pee, but the poop was still ending up in his pants. I was so proud of him though, for not being embarrased to go when he needed to.
He got some really special and fun gifts from his friends, including some hand drawn cards from the girls behind us.
Happy 3rd Birthday, My Guy Smiley!
Thursday, August 25, 2005
What's in a Dream?
I rarely remember my dreams, and when I do they don't seem to have much significance. I often wish I did. I think it's a great way to get in touch with our subconciences.
I recently dreamed that I was ripe in a pregnancy. Then I was in the delivery room and discovered that there were some complications. I was wisked away to the operating room. There was some question as to whether the baby would survive. I awoke before I found out the result.
I looked it up in a dream dictionary and it suggested that when a woman dreams she is pregnant, it indicates that there are either many changes or a major change going on in my life. It also indicated that it was of a creative nature. When in the dream the baby dies, it is a feeling of failure, as though nothing I try to do goes right.
That is just how I was feeling about my relationship with Frankenstien. It was shortly after my father laid down some rules that disallowed me to see Frankenstein. I was feeling as though nothing had changed, that this too would turn out just as all my other relathionships had where my parents forced me to break it off because they weren't good enough. That or teh boy broke it off with me because they came to the same conclusion on their own.
A day later my mother called me. I missed her call, but I called her back to see what she needed. She said she just wanted to check in with me because she had a dream where I called out to her saying, "MOM"! She felt that perhaps I was in a time of need but she has not been here for me.
I have never really been able to open up to my mother. I am careful about what kinds of issues I seek her advice on. In most cases, I know her opinion so I don't bother asking. I know she wishes we could be closer. She would like for me to be the sister she never had. I try to make sure she knows I love and appreciate her, but it requires some thought on my part.
Perhaps I need her and rely on her more than I realize
Frankenstein had a dream that tops the other two. He dreamed that we were in some other country in a high rise appartment. There was a garage sale across the street and I kept going over to get this and that.
Later we got dressed and went to our own wedding. I was in a white dress and he had a jacket on. There was a croud of people standing around us. The ceremony was brief. I said, "I do". Then when it came time for him to say, "I do".... the croud dispursed just before he spoke and he realized no one had heard him say, "I do".
He was offended that they left so quickly, so he said it a few times more in a louder voice. He gave up. Then he looked down at his feet and realized that he was wearing only boxer shorts. He had forgotten to put on his pants!
I recently dreamed that I was ripe in a pregnancy. Then I was in the delivery room and discovered that there were some complications. I was wisked away to the operating room. There was some question as to whether the baby would survive. I awoke before I found out the result.
I looked it up in a dream dictionary and it suggested that when a woman dreams she is pregnant, it indicates that there are either many changes or a major change going on in my life. It also indicated that it was of a creative nature. When in the dream the baby dies, it is a feeling of failure, as though nothing I try to do goes right.
That is just how I was feeling about my relationship with Frankenstien. It was shortly after my father laid down some rules that disallowed me to see Frankenstein. I was feeling as though nothing had changed, that this too would turn out just as all my other relathionships had where my parents forced me to break it off because they weren't good enough. That or teh boy broke it off with me because they came to the same conclusion on their own.
A day later my mother called me. I missed her call, but I called her back to see what she needed. She said she just wanted to check in with me because she had a dream where I called out to her saying, "MOM"! She felt that perhaps I was in a time of need but she has not been here for me.
I have never really been able to open up to my mother. I am careful about what kinds of issues I seek her advice on. In most cases, I know her opinion so I don't bother asking. I know she wishes we could be closer. She would like for me to be the sister she never had. I try to make sure she knows I love and appreciate her, but it requires some thought on my part.
Perhaps I need her and rely on her more than I realize
Frankenstein had a dream that tops the other two. He dreamed that we were in some other country in a high rise appartment. There was a garage sale across the street and I kept going over to get this and that.
Later we got dressed and went to our own wedding. I was in a white dress and he had a jacket on. There was a croud of people standing around us. The ceremony was brief. I said, "I do". Then when it came time for him to say, "I do".... the croud dispursed just before he spoke and he realized no one had heard him say, "I do".
He was offended that they left so quickly, so he said it a few times more in a louder voice. He gave up. Then he looked down at his feet and realized that he was wearing only boxer shorts. He had forgotten to put on his pants!
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Do I Know You?
A few weeks ago, I took Guy up to this park to play in the water area they have. On my way there, I figured I would call Guy's Dad and see if he would be available for a visit with Guy, since we would be so near his house.
X was available for an hour or so and he came up to meet us. In the pictures I have seen of him online, he appeared as though he had a penciled in mustache, but after seeing him in person, I realized it is a tattoo! I never heard of such a thing as a tatto mustache. But there it was with his pink striped shirt and his purple polka dot tie and his black vest, two tone shoes and a brim hat. I wonder how many other looks he has experimented with since I have seen him. Last time he had the bridge in his nose pierced and he thought he was a Greaser. Today he reminds me of Lee of Lee Press on and the Nails.
We made light conversation about Guy and about what he has been up to while we followed Guy around the play area. He brought two children's books for Guy and one for me to read, entitled, "The Power of Now". It is one of several that he has asked that I read before he allows me to read his journal of the events following his memory loss. I skimmed through it to understand where he is coming from. It has some valid points. It even includes references to the Bible, as well as to Budism. However, I disagree with his philosophy about Jesus Christ. He only gives him credit for being a man who attained an expecially great level of spirituallity. I hope X isn't trying to convert me.
X was available for an hour or so and he came up to meet us. In the pictures I have seen of him online, he appeared as though he had a penciled in mustache, but after seeing him in person, I realized it is a tattoo! I never heard of such a thing as a tatto mustache. But there it was with his pink striped shirt and his purple polka dot tie and his black vest, two tone shoes and a brim hat. I wonder how many other looks he has experimented with since I have seen him. Last time he had the bridge in his nose pierced and he thought he was a Greaser. Today he reminds me of Lee of Lee Press on and the Nails.
We made light conversation about Guy and about what he has been up to while we followed Guy around the play area. He brought two children's books for Guy and one for me to read, entitled, "The Power of Now". It is one of several that he has asked that I read before he allows me to read his journal of the events following his memory loss. I skimmed through it to understand where he is coming from. It has some valid points. It even includes references to the Bible, as well as to Budism. However, I disagree with his philosophy about Jesus Christ. He only gives him credit for being a man who attained an expecially great level of spirituallity. I hope X isn't trying to convert me.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
"Ground Patrol to Major Tom"
I am having that dreaded feeling that I get occasionally. It's as if I were lost and floating in space and I don't know which direction is up, therefore I don't know in which direction to go. If you have ever seen the movie Fire in the Sky, it's like the part when he awakens from the gel cocoon. Once he is out of the cocoon he finds himself in the center of a vast cylinder where the walls are lined with thousands of cocoons, as far as he can see in one direction. In the other direction he sees his own key chain that belonged to him. There is a light in the direction of the key chain and he floats towards it. Once he grasps it, he looks up and sees space suits. By their form, one can tell that obviously belong to aliens. He walks over for a closer look. After a moment an alien enters the room. He runs in the other direction and ducks into a tube-like pathway where he has to crawl through. He is struggling to get away from the aliens and they are faster and skinnier and stronger than him. As he is crawling he bumps a pair of child size glazzes and they begin to float in front of him. The aliens grab his legs and pull him back out of the tunnel. At this point he starts crying out. There are several of them now and they take him back to the room where the space suits were. An examination table comes up from the floor. They hold him down while some sheets of shrink plastic come from above. Then steam shot down from the ceiling and the plastic clung tightly to his body, including his face, and over the sides of the table. They cut a hole over his mouth and nose, then they stuff his mouth with this brown gel to keep him from yelling. Then they proceed to do an examination on him, poking and prodding...etc.
When I feel as if I am floating, I almost wish some aliens would start chasing me because at least then I would know which direction I don't want to go. I would have a goal...to get away from the aliens. As it is, I feel lost and I don't know which way to run. I suppose it's a similar instinct that keeps people in an abusive relationship. Because it is familiar to them. I am in no way suggesting that I am in an abusive relationship, but the thought ust occured to me.
I do feel like I am stuck in a rut, though. I need to find a way to break it and I'm not sure what the change is that I need to make. As I have mentioned, in my High School Nightmare entry, I have a habbit of being attracted to/dating guys that are a bit rebelious in nature. I think I am attracted to the excitement and adventure. I don't like to do things the way others do and we can relate to eachother in that regard. Frankenstein is what you might call a reformed bad boy. He has done it his own way all his life, but he has made some changes in his life and wants to do it The Lord's way now. This has built character in him. He has had everything and he has had nothing. He appreciates even the simplest things in life. He is fun loving and happy, yet he has a sence of reality where he does not play games. Instead, he is open and honest with me and those around him. He says just what is on his mind, instead of hinting or sulking to get attention.
He has brought a breath of fresh air to my life. He supports me in everything I do. He helps with caring for my son. I know Guy loves him, too. He loves to go things for me and give me things. He is always complimentary towards me. He is also extreemely understanding of the importance of my relationship with my parents. Although he has been hurt by some of the things my father has said, he understands that they are trying to protect me. Besides that, they have an investment in my success in life.
We still talk about and hope to be married some day, but we realize that it is still very early in our relationship. In an effort to avoid wasting time in a relationship that may not work out, I tend to hope for an answer to a prayer at the beginning to know if it is right. This would also ease the heartbreak if I broke it off soon rather than late.
A few days after we met, I fasted to know if I should continue dating Fankenstein. I received a confirmation that, yes it's ok for me to be dating him. I sorta told God that I will need him to continue to assure me, because I want to be sure, and I am not confident in myself. ( I need to have more faith and confidence in God) A week later, I was filled with The Spirit as the thought came to me the night Guy caught his first fish, "You caught your fish."
(As I was typing this, The Spirit was telling me that I need to have more faith and rely on the answers that he has already given me.)
I held to that up until the time my dad forbade me to take the car to see him and suggested that I break it off with him. Then the thought came to me that I should break it off with him until he gets a car. Which would have made my parents happy and it would keep me from having to lie to my father when I meet Frankenstein in Salt Lake. I did not feel The Spirit at the time. I don't know if it's because it's not what I wanted to hear or if it was simply a thought in my head.
This morning, I got out of bed with a feeling that I needed to get on my knees because there was somthing important that I needed to hear. I told The Lord that I am listening and I want to hear what it is that he needs to tell me. I cleared my mind of all my thoughts for a minute. Then the sentence, "(Frankenstein) is not for you." came into my head, but The Spirit did not come with it. I tried to clear my mind again and it came again, "(Frankenstein) is not for you."...then several times more I heard it, but it was not comforting.
So, I asked, "Well, then what?.." The next thought was that I should get back together with my exhusband. I know that can't be right! Perhaps he is casting some Voo Doo spell on me to try to get me to get back together with him.
When I feel as if I am floating, I almost wish some aliens would start chasing me because at least then I would know which direction I don't want to go. I would have a goal...to get away from the aliens. As it is, I feel lost and I don't know which way to run. I suppose it's a similar instinct that keeps people in an abusive relationship. Because it is familiar to them. I am in no way suggesting that I am in an abusive relationship, but the thought ust occured to me.
I do feel like I am stuck in a rut, though. I need to find a way to break it and I'm not sure what the change is that I need to make. As I have mentioned, in my High School Nightmare entry, I have a habbit of being attracted to/dating guys that are a bit rebelious in nature. I think I am attracted to the excitement and adventure. I don't like to do things the way others do and we can relate to eachother in that regard. Frankenstein is what you might call a reformed bad boy. He has done it his own way all his life, but he has made some changes in his life and wants to do it The Lord's way now. This has built character in him. He has had everything and he has had nothing. He appreciates even the simplest things in life. He is fun loving and happy, yet he has a sence of reality where he does not play games. Instead, he is open and honest with me and those around him. He says just what is on his mind, instead of hinting or sulking to get attention.
He has brought a breath of fresh air to my life. He supports me in everything I do. He helps with caring for my son. I know Guy loves him, too. He loves to go things for me and give me things. He is always complimentary towards me. He is also extreemely understanding of the importance of my relationship with my parents. Although he has been hurt by some of the things my father has said, he understands that they are trying to protect me. Besides that, they have an investment in my success in life.
We still talk about and hope to be married some day, but we realize that it is still very early in our relationship. In an effort to avoid wasting time in a relationship that may not work out, I tend to hope for an answer to a prayer at the beginning to know if it is right. This would also ease the heartbreak if I broke it off soon rather than late.
A few days after we met, I fasted to know if I should continue dating Fankenstein. I received a confirmation that, yes it's ok for me to be dating him. I sorta told God that I will need him to continue to assure me, because I want to be sure, and I am not confident in myself. ( I need to have more faith and confidence in God) A week later, I was filled with The Spirit as the thought came to me the night Guy caught his first fish, "You caught your fish."
(As I was typing this, The Spirit was telling me that I need to have more faith and rely on the answers that he has already given me.)
I held to that up until the time my dad forbade me to take the car to see him and suggested that I break it off with him. Then the thought came to me that I should break it off with him until he gets a car. Which would have made my parents happy and it would keep me from having to lie to my father when I meet Frankenstein in Salt Lake. I did not feel The Spirit at the time. I don't know if it's because it's not what I wanted to hear or if it was simply a thought in my head.
This morning, I got out of bed with a feeling that I needed to get on my knees because there was somthing important that I needed to hear. I told The Lord that I am listening and I want to hear what it is that he needs to tell me. I cleared my mind of all my thoughts for a minute. Then the sentence, "(Frankenstein) is not for you." came into my head, but The Spirit did not come with it. I tried to clear my mind again and it came again, "(Frankenstein) is not for you."...then several times more I heard it, but it was not comforting.
So, I asked, "Well, then what?.." The next thought was that I should get back together with my exhusband. I know that can't be right! Perhaps he is casting some Voo Doo spell on me to try to get me to get back together with him.
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