Shallow Thoughts, by Trixie Granny

2009-02-23T11:21:00.003-07:00

Yay for Halloweenfuntimedressingupness!

Guess who put the least effort into their costume and got the most attention ;)

Ex-Mormon does not = Ex-Happy

2009-02-18T00:33:00.003-07:00

This is a comment I received in response to my previous post...

"psalms 63 "Who whet their tongue like a sword, and bend their bows to shoot their arrows, even bitter words: that they may shoot in secret at the perfect: suddenly do they shoot at him, and fear not. They encourage themselves in an evil matter: they commune of laying snares privily they say, who shall see us? They search out iniquities... but God shall shoot at them with an arrow, suddenly shall they be wounded.,So they shall make their own tongue to fall upon themselves, all that see them shall fless away.. and all men shall fear, and shall declare the Work of God, for they shall wisely consider of His doing. The righteous shall be glad in the Lord, and shall trust in Him and all the upright in heart shall glory.." Show me ONE happy exmo, post mo, anti mo.. just One....I have yet in my 10 years on the internet met one, successful in life, happy exmo.. kitty"

Well, Ms. Happy Kitty... it seems to me that it is you who is "laying snares" at me. I was not judging you or anyone else. I was not even suggesting that I am unhappy, only extreemely busy. I am actually quite happy and consider myself fairly successful at life. Now, if you are meaning successful at earning a lot of money, no, so far I am not doing that, but is that the only way to judge one's success? I am a great mother and friend.

I do remember hearing the stories about how unhappy members become once they leave the church. It's a trick to scare members.

I have an aunt who left her husband and the church. I was close with her kids, my cousins. After many years of searching and when her kids started getting married, she became unhappy and killed herself. She was sorry for all the pain that she had caused her family. It was assumed that she regretted leaving the church, but if that is all she wanted, all she had to do was walk in the doors.

2008-10-19T00:12:00.002-07:00

It's been a while since I have visited my blog. I was reading some of the old posts and realized what a long ways I have come recently. I concluded that this post is a bit dry and boring. I have spoiled some interesting stories with too much detail. I guess I love details.

I have been incredibly busy, as one might imagine with raising twin babies and caring for a 6 year old. As if that weren't enough, I decided to go back to school again to become a nurse. I started in August and I'm working on my pre-req.s for now.

I'm taking Biology, Int. Algebra and a flexibility class. The flexibility class is for me cuz a pregnancy with twins is hard on a girl. Algebra is going alright and I wish I could say the same for Biology, but it is proving to be a real challenge for me to memorize so much information with so little time to study. I have to stop myself from stressing out and remind myself that I can only do the best I can do.

Blues Rising

2007-11-12T15:10:00.000-07:00

In February I was able to get away to San Francisco to attend Blues Rising, a blues dancing workshop that took place over the whole weekend. I drove out with a friend from Salt Lake. We left Thursday night and took turns driving through the night. We arived at 8am on Friday just when the other dancers were waking up and recovering from the late night before.

There were loads of great workshops taking place from noon to about 6 and then we all migrated to the evening dance, where they had fantastic live music to dance to. Dancing went all through the night and into the wee hours of 5 and 6 am. Then I got to be the one to drive one of the groups back to the house I stayed at in Half Moon Bay. I loaded up on Jelly Belly energy beans just before we left to help me stay awake on the drive back to the house. I think I got about 5 hours of sleep from Thursday to Tuesday night. It's a small price to pay for such fabulous dancing and music and....

Anyway, it was a marvelous weekend and wish I could go back soon.

Cinnamon

2007-11-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine from work told me about this chihuahua that her husband brought home one day. The woman he got it from was about to take it to the pound. The story goes that her kids were abusing it such as hitting it with the broom and other such things. Why she felt like the only solution was to take it to the pound, I don't understand.

My friend told me how she just fell in love with the dog and how the dog became quickly attached to her too. The original owners named her Wild Thing but they chose the name Cinnamon for her. I told her that I have always wanted a chihuahua and how I would take it with me in my purse every where I went.

After a couple of weeks having the dog she called me up at home one day and asked me if I wanted to take the dog. I guess it had already pooped in her daughter's room and then she found an unusually large pile of fudge in the laundry room, where she began keeping her in the day.

I felt like I was a little unprepared to have a dog. Guy had been begging me for one for a year and I promissed him that once we had our own place where the dog could run around then I would be happy to get him a dog. We were still living in the basement who's owner already had three large, semi-trained attack dogs who ruled the back yard. Plus we are gone all day and she would have no way to go out to go potty. At least the whole place was tile floor with a few rugs.

I figured this was probably the only time that I would be offered a free chihuahua so I decided I could work around the logistics of it all.

We went to her house the next weekend and met the dog and brought her home with us. Her daughters had a hard time with it once we were gone. She had regrets about it too. So much so that when I had to bring her to work for an hour before taking her to Guy's daycare for show and tell, Cinnamon saw her and got all excited and she became emotional and wished she could take her home with her again.

Other people kept asking her how she could give away such a cute dog. I was questioning whether I should have taken her or not. Cinnamon and Guy seemed to have a rocky start already and I contemplated giving her back. When I told her I would talk to Guy about giving her back she tried to assure me that I should keep her (unless I am totally sure that I don't want her anymore). ...Greaaat...

I decided to keep her but not without continual threats to Guy that I would give her back. Any time I turned my back I heard her growling at him or I would catch him chasing her with a sword or crawling under the table after her, etc. She showed very little patience towards him and he didn't understand that he was scaring her and putting her on the defence. She is just a little thing and he was huge and intimidating to him. Not to mention that he hadn't really shown that he can be trusted.

I was tiring from having to always keep after him and separate them. Besides that, the times when Guy only wanted to cuddle with her she would still growl at him because he would get so close to her face. She even bit him on the face about twice. He would get his feelings hurt when I got after him for getting to close. He just wanted to love her afterall.

After doing some research, I learned that chihuahuas are known to not do well with children. One breeder would not sell to families with children under 7 years old. That would explain why the two of them got along like a dog and cat.

When the weather got warmer I also learned that Cinnamon was very protective of her owner. She loved to chase after the kids in the court, especially ones running, riding a bike or scooter. She even reached up and big a neighbor girl in the croch of her pants one time. Thankfully she only got a mouth full of pants and nothing more.

More about Cinnamon to come...

ULX 2007

2007-10-26T19:40:00.000-07:00

To continue where I left off last time feeling sorry for myself... I did get to go to the Friday and Saturday night dances and even the late night ones too. It was fun to have a reason to dress up again like I used to. I ran into some friends from Sacramento. There was a whole gang of them that came out. Ha, even Burp was there. I think he was a little shocked when he saw me at the late night dance in a tank top, and I think he liked it. Not that I did it for him but it was fun to tease.

I even met a few nice Mormon boys, fancy that.

Why they picked THE coldest days of winter to have the exchange I'll never know. I was freezing my booty off walking through the snow to the dance at the Fair Grounds.

We had an idea to take old fashioned photos in the foyer at the exchance dances in 2008, in January. I think it will go over well. If it does we may travel to other exchanges and do the same.

What Else Is New.

2007-10-22T18:00:00.000-07:00

My son is living with my parents while I am on bed rest and I am staying with some friends. It was time for me to enroll Guy in Kindergarten and I was having a dilemma about which school to enroll him in. I decided to open enroll him at the school nearest his daycare because they offer a ride to and from school, plus they started a full time program this year and I felt Guy could benefit from that.

As it got closer to the time when school began I ran into a bunch of red tape and it looked like I was going to have to enroll him in the school nearest our home which is also in the opposite direction of my work and would mean that I would have to find him a new daycare that would also provide transportation to and from school while I was at work.

It turned out that caring for Guy was taking more energy than I had and I asked my parents if there was any way he could stay with him until the end of my pregnancy. They had an equally challenging time getting him enrolled in school and finding transportation. My father ended up giving up his part time, late night security job that was draining his energy having to walk 10 miles each night. He decided that caring for Guy was more important and worth the sacrifice. We worked it out that I pay him what I would have paid for daycare if he was living with me.

Guy was behaving very well for a couple months but he's getting a little more comfortable now and allows himself to act out. Even so, I feel like it's been a positive environment for him. Of course he's been going to church with them on Sundays. He loves school and Grandpa is determined to help him learn the alphabet.

I visit with him for a day or more over the weekends. He isn't satisfied unless he gets to spend at least one night with me. Last weekend we went to Thanksgiving Point for the outdoor Halloween activities. I walked way too much and wore myself out, but Guy had a good time.

The weekend before last we decorated Halloween cupcakes with candy and such. We made graves, hairy monsters, mummies, jack o lanterns, spiders, and other silly things. Traditionally I make sugar cookies and Guy helps me roll them up and cut them out and maybe even decorate a few, but they are much more time consuming and I knew I wouldn't be able to slave over the counter to get them made and I am such a perfectionist that I would have to decorate them perfectly. So I opted for something simpler and allowed Guy to get involved and creative.

The Drama Hasn't Ended, I Just Haven't Shared It Lately.

2007-10-22T16:58:00.000-07:00

Hmm, where do I begin. It's been some time obviously, since I have blogged. I think I haven't been comfortable enough to share some of the events that have taken place in my life recently. I'm sure I will still leave out some of the more personal details but I would like to give an update of the surprising events of the last several months.

To put you up to speed I am currently on bed rest being 7 months pregnant with twin boys!

Not even kidding this time either. I'm so ready to have these babies. I feel like an elephant. I have very little energy and can't do much for myself. I'm not complaining, or am I? just want to paint the picture of what I'm experiencing at this time. I am thankful that the boys and I are all healthy. I had a couple of scares that landed me in the emergency room but both times they were resolved quickly. At this point I am just waiting it out until they decide they are done.

Having a Pitty Party

2007-01-11T18:06:00.000-07:00

I am venting right now in order to deal with my disappointment about this week. Tonight there is an unofficial opening dance for the Utah Lindy Exchange. That's where Utah invites people from other states, at some exchanges people will even come from other countries to attend special dancing events for the weekend. At most, exchanges will have dancing from noon til 5 AM from Friday to Sunday evening.

Last year, I was planning to attend at least one of the dances with Frankenstein, it would have been a first. Instead, I spent the weekend in the hospital with my son who had Brochialitis and Pneumonia. So, this year I was determined not to miss it. I registered for the full event a few weeks ago and I even volunteered to host a few people from out of town. I have spent quite a bit of time preparing the house for company.

Monday, I took Guy in to see the Dr because he had a bark like cough. The Dr. determined that it was Bronchitis. He prescribed an antibiotic for him to help prevent it from turning to pneumonia. I was stressing out because it was the only day I had at work to finish and turn in the expense reports to payroll. I wasn't sure if he was contagious so I stayed at home with him in the day and took him to work with me for a few hours in the evening.

Tuesday morning I could tell he was not doing very well but I felt like I need to go to work for at least a couple of hours to finish the reports. I tried to see if the neighbor could watch him for a few hours, but she was on her way to volunteer at a school. He perked up long enough for me to get him to preshool. I called afer a couple of hours to see how he was doing and they say he is pretty slugish and that he is going down for a nap. They called when he woke up after 2 to tell me that he had a temperature of 102 or higher and that his face was swollen!

I took off to pick him up and made another Dr appointment on my way over because I was concerned about his face. His face was not as bad as I thought but I could tell he wasn't well. I just took him home and let him rest. I asked the neighbor to watch him for a couple of hours while I went to the laundromat. He stayed with her again on Wednesday while I went to work.

Today is Thursday. Guy woke up at 7 with a fever and when I laid down next to him I could hear crackling in his breathing like I hear when he has pneumonia. I gave him some medication and let him sleep. He woke up two hours later in a cold sweat. I called the Dr to ask to speak to him. I heard back from the nurse several hours later. The Dr wanted for him to get a chest X-ray. It took a lot of coaking and comforting and bribing to get Guy to the hospital. I promised him it wouldn't hurt and there would be no shots. I also told him that he could buy a toy with the money in his wallet that he found plus two more dollars laying around the house. He almost didn't get out of the car once we were there so I told him I would double what money he has, $5 if it hurts. He didn't give in easily but I finally got him out of the car.

I carried him at least a block to the hospital from the parking lot in the slushy, snow. He was calm as we got registered but when we headed down the hallway to the radiology department he wouldn't come. I carried him part way and then he got down and he would have run out the door if I wasn't pulling on his arm. Once in the waiting room I had to sit down and wrap my legs around him to keep him there. He tried biting my leg and hitting and grabing me. A nurse came to the window and offered him a couple of toys. He backed himself up into the corner at the opposite end of the room. She came in with a box of toys and let him pick a few out. She got him to follow her into the X-ray room where they gave him 5 stickers. I have never seen them shower him with toys and stickers like that before. He was hesitant to step up to the board so they pretended to take my picture and they let Guy touch the button that turns on the light. After that he was very cooperative. That nurse was amazing. I'm so glad she made it so much easier.

We brought the X-rays to the Dr's office. He said that it's on the verge of pneumonia and at most walking pneumonia. He wanted to speed up the process by giving him a shot of antibiotic. I promised Guy that he wouldn't be getting a shot so I asked Guy if he would be ok with a shot. Of course he said no. I asked if we could just continue on the oral antibiotics. He wrote another prescription for some more.

I understood that I was supposed to pick up my first guest at about 7 pm from the airport. I had arangements for Guy to stay with Frankenstein tonight but that was canceled because he isn't well. I asked my neighbor if she would be willing to watch him for the night so that I could attend the dance tonight and I would pick him up in the morning. She hesitated slightly but agreed.

Well, Guy didn't want to go to Allison's house. He wanted to go to Grandma and Grandpa's. I called my dad, knowing that I wouldn't have time to take him there and get back in time. I told him the story and was working up to asking him if they would watch him for the night and he beat me to it and said, "So, are you asking if we will watch Guy for you tonight?" Then he went on, "You know, you are Guy's mother and have soul responsibility over him. I don't think you should be asking someone else to watch him for you when he is on the verge of pneumonia. I realize you have probably been planning this for some time now and it would be fun and exciting and that but I feel like you should be staying home to take care of your son." I was silent. It pierced me to my core. "Of course, you know all of this already, I'm sure." he said. I still couldn't respond. Just then my mom was coming in and he said he would talk it over with her. "No, nevermind." I said.

I called to see if someone else could pick up my guest from the Airport and I learned that they had already made arangements to pick her up. I also called my neighber to cancel our arangement. I have been having a hard time dealing with the disappointment and to top if off my Landlord decided to cook on his stove. Which in itself isn't a crime but fact that he has a layer of overspilt, burnt, decaying, grease in the bottom of his oven makes it one because the smell makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm almost over it already.

Christmas

2007-01-02T01:30:00.000-07:00

I have so missed planning and preparing for company in my own little place. I invited my parents and brother & his wife to come up for lunch the Saturday before Christmas. My father couldn't make it but the rest of them did. I made tofu fajitas with refried beans and I fixed some spanish rise. I guess they turned out ok because they all ate until they were full.

While I was cooking the tofu the fragrace of the spices were filling the house and Guy asked me, "What's that smell?" I told him, "That's the smell of your mother cooking. I know it rarely happens. Try not to get used to it."

I do wish I had a real kitchen with at least a half size oven and stove and a normal sized sink.I get by but I would like to do more cooking in order to keep a healthy diet, especially being a wana-be vegan in a non-vegan friendly state. I feel like my health might be suffering from lack of protien and other nutrients it needs. But that's another subject.

So, after lunch we took Trax to downtown Salt Lake where we listened to some carrolers, Guy got his picture taken with Santa Clause and we wandered through the lights at Temple Square for a minute until we had to stop in the visitors center so Grandma could take a potty break.

It was a little freaky to be in there, honestly. The first thing I noticed were these brief video clips of these endocrinated children being asked questions about families. They were all so confident in their answers. A kind of chill went up my spine but not from the cold.

My mother had to have a copy of this pedigree chart from an ancestor that they were apparently out of and they had to scour the place to find one. In the mean time Guy was falling asleep and I got stopped by some sister missionaries. One from Peru and another one from France.

My mother joined the conversation and it lead to her mentioning that I went on a mission. I walked the walk and talked the talk enough to avoid creating waves. It's situations like that that tend to make my mother emotional. I had the pleasure of carrying Guy on my back, who was passed out until we got home.

My mom rode back with us and we stayed at my parents' house from Saturday night to Tuesday Morning. I even went to church with them. I was fine about it until the Sacrament was passed. I had forgotten about the silent giveaway. So began the psychology of it all, in my head. I thought, do I take the Sacrament and ignore the fact that I know that they know that they would not consider me to be worthy, but take it as a token of my own faith regardless? Or do I decline it out of respect for their beliefs of worthiness and openly admit that I am not worhty. In my heart I wanted to decline simply becuase I am still on the fence about Jesus Christ and I disagree about whether I am "worthy" or not.

So, how do I portray that to the people sitting around me when my son asked me why I'm not taking the bread or the water. He started to regurgitate my recent nutritional food lecture to me. He obviously doesn't understand what it's for but that doesn't bother me.

Anyway, I made it through the one hour Christmas program. It was interesting to be there and observe and listen with new ears and eyes. I was more uneasy about it than I expected, yet I was good at not letting it show.

Permanent

2007-01-01T01:27:00.000-07:00

Aww, people do care :)

I want to share some good news. Granted, it's a little late but I'm still basking in it's reward. I was finally hired on at my job!!

It's amazing to me how things have worked out for me lately. In some cases I will just have a thought and it will take place. Like the way I was hired at my job for instance: I was getting frustrated with my job situation because it was past the time period by which they were supposed to have hired me from the temp agency. The through crossed my mind that I should see about getting another job and if I get an offer it would like a fire under them to make a decision. First I spoke with the temp agency and they talked to my boss but he could only promise that they would keep me on as a temp through the end of the year.

A couple weeks later, after updating my resume online, I started getting some responses. The first few were no better than what I had. Even one of my previous employers contacted me for the same position I was working before and with a $1 raise but it was too far, not enough hours and still less pay.

Then the Friday after Thanksgiving I got a call from a company that wanted me to start the following Monday. No interview, just a two week trial period after which I would be hired on and with a pay increase. The starting wage was already more than what I was making but it wouldn't give me any time to give a notice. I debated for about an hour and decided it would be in my best interest to take it anyway.

Over the weekend Guy came down with Pneumonia again! I had to take him into the Dr. on monday, so I called in to both jobs telling them my son is sick. My new employer gave me another week to start and I gave notice to the temp agency.

When my suporvisor learned that I was going to take another job she pulled all the strings she knew to see about hiring me before they loose me. And hire me they did. The next day my boss called me at home with a job offer at a rate higher than the other job.

I was relieved that I didn't have to learn another new job and I knew the raise would help and it certainly has.

There have been other instances lately where things have just worked out the way I hoped for them to. It hasn't all been peaches and cream, mind you but all together I'm slowly getting what I want.

My Lips Are Sealed

2006-11-16T21:35:00.000-07:00

I haven't written lately because I guess I feel like I need more privacy in my life right now. I suspect that some people close to me have been reading my blog and I just don't feel like sharing right now.

Too Much Info.

2006-10-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have been careful not to share very much about my personal life with my coworkers until yesterday. I mentioned to them a couple weeks ago that I was going home for lunch to meet an old boyfriend of mine from high school. Yesterday my boss asked about how that went and if I think anything might become of it.

I told her that it went well, but that it's kind of complicated considering that he lives in Southern California and travels a lot and has another girlfriend. Then I mentioned that I had a semi serious boyfriend in Austin too, but that we just broke up last week, but I have a couple other boyfriends who live in Salt Lake, one from Jamaica and one from Peru. They are nice guys, but nothing serious.

Then she got talking about relationships and finding the right man not just for me, but for my son too. Then I got talking about my ex-husband and told her how terrible of a mistake that was and about the events that lead up to my leaving him including the he wanted to leave the church and how when we got married we planned to go to the temple later. She asked how long we were engaged for. I told her that it was very brief. We started talking about marriage after the first two weeks. We met in May and got married in August of the same year.

I told her how even in the terrible state that I was in before I finally left him, it still took me a long time to decide to leave because I dreaded the thought of going back to the Young Adult scene after being divorced *and* having a son. I said, it was Hell the first time and I was not axious to go through it again once I was branded with the scarlet letters D (Divorced) and M (Mother [single mother means desperate to get married to a man that can support her family but any guy her age is still in school because he only got back from his mission a few years ago.]).

I mentioned that he wanted to get back together with me a few months ago, and he felt like he needed to go back to church, he even confessed everything to his bishop. But I wasn't interested and besides that I had stopped going to church.

I think my boss' mind was kind of spinning by now, but I didn't stop there, I told her that that is why I moved here last year to find more LDS guys to date. She could relate to the fact that there are no good guys left. I mentioned that I would get asked out by all kinds of non-LDS guys, but when I went to the Young Adult Ward they avoided me like the plague. When I moved here I had plenty of options for LDS guys to date, but by age 30+ they still didn't have their act together. Some of them could barely write or speek english, or they didn't have a steady job, let alone a career, or they don't even have a car, etc. She joked how you have to wait for the good ones to get divorced. I said, yeah and by then they have 3 or more kids they are paying child support to their mother for and they have let themself go for 10 years.

I went on to tell her that I was engaged to a guy who rode his bike all the way from Park City to see me and he didn't even have a job at the time that we met, although now he's doing great just taking on carpentry jobs. I told her that we broke up in February and how I met Paul shortly after but I told him from the beginning that it wouldn't work out because I am LDS etc.

She asked me at one point a few months ago if I was Mormon. I told her I used to be. I'm sure she assumed that I stopped going many years ago. I think she was surprised when I told her that I came to realize that the Church is not true and how I haven't been going since May. But the shocker came when I mentioned that I served a mission too. It totally took her back. She asked where I went. I told her Ontario, Canada. She said wow, cause I served a mission too.

She wanted to know why I decided that it wasn't true and I told her that I found some things in the history of the church that bothered me. She said she is courious now to know what I found. I remained vague and told her that it has to do with Joseph Smith and some of the other leaders of the church and I felt that there is conflicting ideas between the BoM and the Bible. I didn't want to hash it out with her so I didn't say specifically. I did tell her that my brother has taken me on as his project in trying to resolve my concerns for me. She asked, "And you prayed about it and everything?"

That's another subject in itself. I haven't prayed in the way that I knew she was speaking of since my breakdown in May. Had I prayed about it? no, but I felt good about it in my mind and heart, so I figured that counted for a "yeah."

I told her that my son stays with my parents on Saturday night so he can go to church with them on Sunday. She asked if I would allow him to be involved in the church if he decides that he wants to when he is older. Of course I told her I would not stop him if he felt that was the thing to do. I let her know that I don't have hard feelings towards the members of the church because I think they are good people, but I found that it wasn't right for me personally.

I felt it necessary to say that I haven't changed who I am because I decided to leave the church. Yes, there are some subtle changes in my life, but I feel good about my decision and I'm doing good.

I know other people within ears shot were listening in on our conversation too. I was just standing at the edge of her cubicle. Come to think of it, the office was pretty quite while we were talking. I'm sure they were at the edge of their seats since 4 of the 6 other people within proximity were all active members too.

I think I may already regret spilling so much information with her. She doesn't treat me differently, but in my mind I wonder what she might be thinking about me. I'm sure she figures I lost the spirit or something.

A Personal Invitation From the Devil

2006-10-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

Last night, I woke up at 4am and decided to take a shower. It was nice to be able to take my time in the shower instead of having to rush off to work. Then I went back to bed. I had trouble falling back asleep for a long time. When I finally did, this horrible dream began. Actually, the beginning wasn't so bad, but the ending was horrifying.

It started out as me taking off in the car to go to some swing dancing event, and I ran into a kid that I think I recognized to be someone that I have seen at the BYU dances a couple times. He didn't hide his excitement to see me, so we hung out most of the evening. I was staying with, I guess an old missionary companion, but she was still on a mission, so I stayed with her and her companion in their missionary apartment. I guess I got there before they did (gee, that would have put them out past 9pm, those rebel missionaries) and I picked up their place a bit for them. They were amazed at what I had done when they got back.

We were all three sleeping there on the floor when this little devil person comes in and started poking at us with his pitchfork. I held up my hand and grabbed the handle of it so that he couldn't poke me with it, then it grew another three forks out the sides. I got up and questioned him. I asked him why he was there and what he wants with us. I don't remember him speaking, but I remember this image coming to my mind of what he intended for us. It was a horrible scene. I saw a panoramic view of deformed bodies and people laying in blood. By deformed, I mean, like their arms were sewn to their legs or missing legs or arms, etc. What was strange was that their bodies were almost glowing white, and there weren't any scars, but they were misshapen, and then red all around them. I was ill from the sight of it.

All I could ask is, "Why?" He just replied with something like, "They let me." He was hoping that I or we would let him, but I refused. I was amazed that all of those people would allow him to do that to them. They seemed, not sad, not all of them in pain, but because of their deformity they were left mostly helpless. I wondered if they understood what they had gotten themselves into. There they were, just lame lumps of flesh. None of them crying or begging for help. Just existing like they don't care. They were numb, experiencing no thoughts or feelings.

He assured me that he would not touch me unless I allowed him to, just the same as everyone else. I tried for a second to comprehend why a person would allow him to do that, but I was afraid to go there in my mind. I had seen the result and I knew that wasn't what I wanted for myself, to be a deformed pet.

Breaking Free

2006-10-15T12:03:00.000-07:00

I've forgotten what it was like to have my heart broken. I suppose it's only fair with the number of times I have broken the hearts of others. I wish I had left him alone after my visit to Austin. Instead I let him back into my life. We even talked about making plans to be together, but it only got my hopes up. It only made me more willing to sacrifice myself, but it wasn't enough. Even after all that I have done he demands more. I cannot meet his demands any more. I must free myself of his chains and become my own master.

What is Gained?

2006-10-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

I got an email from my brother last night in which he addressed a few concerns about the church that I shared with him. They seemed to rid the church of an fault in the ordeal. Particularly the incidents of Blood Atonement. He pointed out that I could have found the information if I wanted to and that there must be another, personal reason why I have chosen not to believe. Perhaps that is true and once again that reason no longer exists.

I had a dream last night that I decided to either go on a mission or go to school at BYU while still being in the unbelieving state of mind. My family was all around me as I was settling into the dorm. They were all wondering why I would choose to do such a thing, knowing that I stopped going to church and that I don't have a testimony. How would I share my nonexistant testimony? and why would I feel the need to try?

I'm not sure if I am just now feeling the loss from abandoning the church or if I am feeling the loss from realizing that Paul and I will never work.

Talking to God: Carnival of the Veil #23

2006-10-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

Talking to God: Carnival of the Veil #23

Gunner, auther of Talking to God is the host. Send him an email if you would like to participate.

Carnival of the Veil

2006-10-06T04:10:00.000-07:00

Kitakazoo shares the pains of being shunned by her own TBM daughter. What I want to know is what is her daughter hiding under her saggy, baggy underwear?

Kit also gives her insight to the Polygamy Community.

Eight hour lunch tries to capture the beauty of Rome, but being alone makes him home sick for his daughter.

Darqueheart declares that a real man irons his own shirts.

Sister Mary Lisa tells about the day God got a 1000 USD bonus. I think her husband is more deserving of the real man award.

Arizona Expositor’s wife wishes he would give their daughter a priesthood blessing.

Equality transcribes The book of Gladius

Sinister porpoise reaches a long term goal (though she keeps that goal a secret) and just can’t find the time to pay the Tax Man from all the money she’s making.

Matt of Notamormon gives his analogy of the age old question “Are Mormon’s Christian?”

Fiddley divulges some of his favorite secret combinations….and here too.

Finally, the man that birthed the Carnival of the Veil, Gunner. He makes the shocking statement that “Nonmembers” are good people too? Not just good, better?! Impossible ;)

Going All the Way

2006-09-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

It only took a few minutes of a couple of videos to convince me that there are a lot of animals being tortured in the World. Enough so, that not only have I chosen to not eat meat, but I am working on cutting out dairy and eggs too. I knew it would be a challenge and I didn't want to starve in the first week, so I am taking it slowly as I relearn what to eat. It will be very inconvenient and will require more preparation on my part and likely more money too, but I feel it is a worthy cause.

Certainly more worthy than all the effor that the church put into their petitions against redefining the family. I was puzzled at an email that I received from a friend who is a member of the church. The email made the statement that this will greatly affect our families... etc. How the Hell would something like that affect me, a straight person? I already have the right to mary a man. The people that it will affect are those that didn't have the right to marry whom they choose, ie: the homosexuals. Why should I be so determined to deprive them of their rights?

I can see myself getting carried away with this animal loving wave I am on. I have never really been "into" animals. I'm not a cat or dog or horse lover. I've had several pets including; cats, dogs, birds, frogs, fish, a crab, a rat and currently a mouse (who is going to be set free in the very near future or maybe after winter is over), but I've never been more than slightly attached to them.

But when I see images of deformed animals who are tortured and abused from the time of their birth and who never even see the sunlight or given an opportunity to live a natural life it makes me sick to my stomach and I cry for them.

It's not just farm animals who are tortured, circus elephants and other performing animals are regularly abused with a sharp hook to tear their skin or a sharp hammer at the back of their knees or an electric prod on their privates. I remember learning of a case against some circus for animal abuse. The source of the news was my father and it was translated to me like, "Oh, the poor animal, so what if it's standing in it's own phesis, they would do the same in the wild..."

My father enjoys hunting. He doesn't go all that often, but he enjoys the sport of it. He does his best to make sure that a fish or dear etc is put to death as quickly and painlessly as possible, as he does not enjoy torturing animals, just killing them, if that can be rationalized.

Guy likes to go fishing with Grandpa and he went this last weekend and caught a few fish. Maybe next time I could suggest that they just watch the fish and feed them crumbs or something. Oh, and sorry Honey, but we won't be going to the Circus this year. We'll find an animal-cruelty-free activity to replace it with like picketing outside the Circus :) hmm, that could be fun.

The delema that I was having was deciding how much control I would have on what Guy eats. He likes meat and he is a growing boy and I don't think he would eat much of my lame vegan cooking, since I haven't started that yet, he would starve and the few things I have bought he has turned up his nose to. I think I have decided the best thing to do is to just have alternatives available for him at home and let him eat what he wants otherwise.

I feel better already about my new diet. I made the decision a couple of weeks ago and I like that I am putting more natural/back to basics/whole foods in my body. I look forward to improved and lasting health.

So....Chin Chin! (Cheers, for Italians) *raise my glass of chocolate Soy Milk* gulp, aahhh!

A Common Bond

2006-09-24T21:15:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the Sunday dinner at my parents' house. It has become habit now that Guy gets dropped off at the G parent's house on Saturday afternoon and stays over to go to church with them. I come back down on Sunday afternoon, have dinner, do laundry and we go home.

My father is from Heber City so he has a sister and two brothers that live less than an hour away. His sister is married and active and his two brothers single/divorced and have been inactive since about their teens. His sister has two daughters. They are a year and more older than me, neither of them are active. My aunt and uncle that are active have been down to visit my parents several times since we have moved here. I have extended invitations to my cousins a few times for such things as Guy's birthday parties because they both have kids.

Today was the first time that they have come down from Salt Lake to my parents' house. I figured my parents hadn't wasted any time in spreading the news about me deciding not to go to church any more. They all wanted to know how I was doing now that I had moved out on my own. We served ourselves some dinner and had the choice of the dining room or the patio. It was such a beautiful day that I knew I wanted to get as much sunshine as possible on the patio. I was the first one to go outside and one of my uncles came out all curious and asked me to tell him all about what is going on in my life. We had a brief conversation a few months back after I had made some changes, but I was still living with my parents and I was not at liberty to truly speak my mind then.

He told me I'm just cute as a button. (The things relatives say) ;) He also said I look healthy and happy so he wanted to know if I am doing anything differently. I mentioned that I have been a vegetarian since May and that I am working on cutting out dairy and eggs too. He asked if I had lost weight from that, but the truth is I was gaining in the beginning, but have lost that back again now.

He wanted to know my reasoning for the change in lifestyle. I told him that is was initially for better health, but after seeing a few videos of the horrible treatment of the animals my reasons are now for the sake of the cruel treatment that an animal suffers just to become my dinner and ultimately my poop. OK, those weren't my words, but they are the words of a kid I had a short lived friendship with. He is a bit too radical for me, but I respect the messages he is sending.

My two cousins came out to join us at this point. They all had KFC for dinner. So we were discussing the value of the lives of the chickens that became their food. In my mind I was picturing the vivid visuals from the film clips I watched of chickens who get their beaks ground down shortly after birth, then shoved into these cramped cages where they can't even spread their wings, then pumped full of steroids so that they become so large that their legs won't even hold them up and then get shat on by other birds. then they get drug by their necks and hung by their feet to be scalded alive and now featherless before they are finally put out of their misery. My uncle's reasoning is that at least they had a life. He asked if I were a chicken would I want to at least be able to live rather than to never be born. I quickly answered that I would rather not be born. That is not life, that is a living hell! Their purpose in live is to get fat and die, tasting pain and suffering from the moment of birth.

No thank you. I would rather remain a spirit chicken than come to earth for two months of torture. Don't even get me started on how they skin the animals alive to make fur coats, then just tossed their bloody living carcass aside as if it's already garbage. The animal is still alive for God's sake! What a pretty picture the media paints over the truth about where our food and clothing comes from. If you need more just go here http://www.peta.org/

I meant to save that rant for another post. I actually remained pretty vague about it all in our discussion so as not to gross them all out while they were eating.

I went in to get a plate of food for Guy and my other uncle was in the kitchen too and said that all the cool people were eating outside while he had been eating in the dining room. He came outside to be with the cool people too. I felt like I had been invited into their outcast club. There we were, we had managed to segregate ourselves from the active members. I have never seen that happen at other family gatherings with the same group of people. My uncle was making some comment about denial because we had just been talking about X, when my dad came out with the rest of them and took a seat right behind us. My dad told me not to pay any attention to what he was saying because he is a rebel. My uncle said, "Well so is she. She's just now coming around." My dad tried hard to laugh as he got up and walked away. I wished I had the words to make it better for my dad, but none came to mind.

My Personal Progress Report

2006-09-17T22:02:00.000-07:00

I love the contradiction in still belonging to the LDS web ring and being on the exmormon glog roll. I get a hit from the LDS web ring maybe twice a year and the exmormon blog roll brings at least 10 new visitors a day. I think I secretly hope that someone from the LDS web ring will happen upon my blog and something they read will cause them to think question their beliefs.

I'm still unsure about where exactly my own personal beliefs are. For example, I don't know where I stand with Christ right now or even the Bible for that matter. I believe that it is true historically, but there are many things in the Old Testimant that I seriously doubt happened. I don't want to cut and paste the parts that I like and make a collage from it. I want to either be able to accept it as it is or toss it all out.

Can one thing be true for one person and not for another person? In some ways, I think YES. In my period of searching, I read many people's near death experiences. They could more aptly be named tastes of death. In any case, I read from the experiences of a man who hadn't actually tasted death himself but he has had many out of body experiences and he travels to other places in time and space while his spirit is out of it's body. I read about a time that he visited person's personal Hell. I am including his full version of it. I realize it's lengthy, but I couldn't decide what to cut.

It began when I woke up to see that I was in some huge city, and there was some poor lost soul wandering the streets, utterly clueless about anything at all. No car, no possessions, as if he just materialized there out of the air! in a way, I see, he DID just that, in a sense as the scenery, as this dream unfolds, appears to be not of any city on this earthplane!!

I could tell that by the "magical" way that machines operate, the "fluidness" of how the scenery changes.... "cartoonlike"! but this was no cartoon! A
"real world". Full of people too, and the streets stretched off to the horizon, endlessly. I followed this guy as he stumbled from one "reality neighborhood" to another, areas of the city that
seemed to have a specialty.

There was a section of square miles that looked like a "ghetto" and everyone there, all 10,000+ people, where doing drugs. in fact every single shop sells
drugs of one kind or another, out in the open as if everything were utterly legal!

Between the shops were many many bars and and pubs and
dance places. The streets were packed with people all high on something. then there was the Zone where there were hundreds and hundreds of rug shops and stalls
where only oriental rugs were sold. All of the people there looked "middle eastern". then there was a area of blocks and blocks of nothing but bookstores and open bookstalls as if there never ever was rain there. Packed with people of course.

the Industrial zone was next, miles and miles of foundries and pipes. Somehow he got with a band of
motorcyclists who got him out into a kind of countryside, a countryside that seemed not to obey the
rules of nature and of the earth! Funny skies and roads to nowhere and to everywheres!

[poor guy. He must have died and he must have been one
of the residents of my, or another, senior resident place. Maybe 80 years old and very very conservative,
stuck in the 1950s in mindset and then 'against"
everything of the modern age. Not a Christian of course, no soul life at all.

Perhaps a retired engineer or maybe a business person.
Now he died and went to a Low Place in the afterlife,
and the Guides will let him COOK in this astral hell
for a bit of time! There might not have been a bit of
any kind of "preparation" for the afterlife, and he
might have "gone down hard" at the end of his life, a bitter old man, seeing how the 2000s are nothing but bad..Angry and obstinate!]

so here is now is, near the end of this dream. Standing next to yet *another* neiborhood of thousands and thousands of people who share a mindset. Lost. Bewildered. Not even knowing the name of the place that he stands in and no one to help him, to be the Authority for His Choices, like when he was alive!

[in WW II, one Obeyed authority, you could die in 10) seconds on the battlefield if you thought for yourself! In the 1944 civilian life, you placed your family, your town, your country first and you came utterly last!

So as this generation grows older, they would like a leader-figure to make all of the choices in life for them, let others do the thinkings for them.]

lost, utterly lost, no way to find a leader here. Everything that he denies in life seems to be all that
there is, here, with a cast of 200,000!

well....He finds out soon enough what *this* neiborhood is all about!

Homo men! Hundreds of shops and hundreds of partybars
and Clubs. The streets are packed body to body with
thousands of homo men and mostly naked. Suddenly, a whole block or two or three, of the gay residents, see him standing just outside of this area! They rush
up to him. As this dream ends, I see that he is mobbed by thousands of homo men, his hetrosexuality will very very soon be gone, against his will, as 3000 gay men de-flower him and make him one of their own, probably for years and years....A never-ending ORGY!

I'm not sure where I was going with this post except to say that I do not claim to know all the answers and that that is ok. I think there is great comfort to being a member of the church because it gives a sense of security that the church has all the answers for us to the age old questions of; Who are we? What are we doing here? Where are we going? What is the purpose of life? etc.

I have been told by a few people who have experienced the contrast of being active in the church and being inactive. They have shared how their lives were empty and meaningless when they were inactive and now that they are going to church again, they have purpose in life and goals and they feel peace in their lives.

I believe they were unhappy while inactive because they either filled their void with the wrong kinds of influences or all of those Primary lessons, and scriptures or temple movies have affected their subconcious so that they still believe that they cannot be happy unless they are living the way the church suggests.

Not only that, but like the example of the man in his personal hell, it is so much easier to let some one else do the thinking for us. If it does go all awry, we have someone else to blame besides ourselves.

"We Need to Talk"

2006-09-15T00:33:00.000-07:00

Those are words I dread when coming from my mother, and usually anyone.

The only time I actually discussed my leaving the church with either of my parents was on a Saturday when my dad had gone fishing and I went to my parent's house to do some laundry. My mother met up with us for lunch first.

I remember being especially tired that day and I laid down on the couch to rest when my mom came in and said, "We need to talk, if you are up to it."

She kind of had me cornered. No I wasn't really up to it, but it had been put off long enough I suppose. My mother had some questions for me about some of the changes taking place in my life.

I knew my brother had told them. Apparently he didn't waste any time either because the day after I moved, I went down to their house to pick up a few things and on the back of the list that my mother and I made she had written a couple of spiritual thoughts and she sent home an Ensign with me.

A couple of weeks had passed since then and they seemed to be coping with it well, at least in my presence. I think I hoped that I would never have to explain it to them, but I expect this isn't the last time it will come up. I don't feel like I really need to justify it to them, but I think it's fair to answer a few questions for them.

The questions she asked me that day were...What made you decide to stop going to church? Do you still believe in prayer? So, you don't believe in the power of the Priesthood? What about all the wonderful people that you taught on you mission, you don't believe in the things you taught them anymore? What do you plan to do with your church records? Will you allow Guy to go to church?

I did my best to appease her without offending her while still being open minded yet firm in my newly established beliefs. I explained briefly to her about my experiences with answers to prayers and that I believe there is a source of power that we are all entitled to. I told her I have not plans to remove my records from the church so far and that it was fine if Guy wants to attend church with them some time, but I won't be taking him. She thought I should let him go with the kids in the neighborhood. I was not too keen on the idea because I felt it would raise questions in the minds of the other kids regarding why Guy's mother and father don't go to church. Perhaps this is a selfish reason, but I don't feel like Guy needs to be judged or singled out from his friends since he is already well aware that he doesn't have a dad and the other kids do.

We talked for maybe 30 minutes and then she let me be. I feel for them because I know that they must feel like they are loosing their daughter in the after life. I'm glad they are still able to accept me for who I am, I hope. They have helped me out a lot with getting me moved and fixing up my place and I am very thankful to them for it.

Guy's Fourth Birthday Part-ly

2006-09-03T02:34:00.000-07:00

Guy turned another year older last month. His birthday came just a few weeks after we moved, which didn't give him much time to make new friends to invite to his party. We were discussing who we would invite and the first two people he mentioned were Frank and X. I tried to let him down genly by telling him that neither of them will be able to come. I hadn't hearf from X in months and Frank has been acting like a psycho path. I could tell Guy's feelings were hurt pretty badly. From then on his attitude changed as if he felt like no one liked him.

One is his real dad and the other one wanted more than anything to at least be able to pretend to be his dad and loved hearing him call him that. I hope I can find a MAN that can step up to the plate and deserve to called Guy's dad.

I made an effort to pass out invitations to his class at his new preschool and I talked to a couple of the mothers of his friends in his old neighborhood. I figured only a few would show up, but I figured they would have so much fun at the park that he wouldn't notice.

I got a smiley face piniata and blew up some balloons. Grandma brought a cake and Grandpa hung the piniata in the tree. Then we all played frisbee while waiting for some guests to arrive.

Since the rain clouds got there first, we decided to go ahead and let Guy start swinging at the yellow smiley face with the stick. Man did he wack that thing hard. He beat it to a bloody, er card board pulp till it burst open and spilled the candy and toys.

We gathered them up quickly as we felt rain drops trickling through the trees. We watched him quickly unwrap his presents as the rain began to pick up. We opted to go move the party to our house to have some cake.

On the way home, the rain came pooring down. Then I thought at first that there was a truck kicking up rocks on our windshield, then I realized there was no one in front of me. It had begun to Hail! So much so that we stayed in the car when we got to our house and waited for it to cease. The hail finally stopped, but the rain didn't. We dodged into the house with the cake and presents. I was in my baithing suit and a little cover up so I was particularly cold. It wasn't a nice warm summer rain. It was a mean ole' cold one right out of the month of November.

After having some cake, Guy wanted to try out his new squirt guns he got from Grandpa. One has a face guard and everything. They filled up the guns and took them outside. When they ran out of water they started throwing hail balls!

The Church of Song and Dance

2006-08-29T15:16:00.000-07:00

A few days after I moved in, my landlord mentioned to me that he does interpretive dance at his church. I was very surprised. First that he dances and second that he dances at church! He had my interest regardless of how silly it sounded. I said it sounded like my kind of church because I love to dance. He invited us to join him the following Sunday.

We followed him to the Christian Fellowship church in Murray. The services started in this carpeted auditorium complete with a stage and a sound and tech room in the back. When the door opened to the room the music filled my soul and I felt feelings that I had always identified as The Spirit. Most of the audience was seated or standing in front of their seats with their arms in the air and palms up as if it were raining and they were catching the rain drops in their hands. Then there were others between the seats and the stage who were standing, swaying, subtly dancing, waving taffeta flags, kneeling and even laying on the floor. The majority of the audience was singing along to the band (complete with drums and electric guitars) on the stage. It was light Christian Rock, which I can't say I am familiar with, but I would describe it as such.

Guy was anxious to go after a few minutes, but I talked him into staying to the end. He coaxed me to come with him up in the front where our landord was who was doing his interpretive dance (he was dancing more with his arms than his legs, just making patterns and such to the music). We stood behind him and I was tapping my feet and probably swaying a little.

They offered the sacrament with wine and tiny bits of bread or such. We didn't take any, I was feeling shy I guess or just unsure of what my feelings are on the whole thing, so we just watched.

After the first hour they broke out into classes. I took Guy to the class for his age and I was planning to stay with him in the class, but when he saw the blankets and stuffed animals laid out on the floor he figured they were going to be taking naps and said he would rather take a nap at home. The teacher explained that they are just going to sit on them today because the lesson was on the Sabbath being the day of rest.

There was no convincing him. I didn't mind that he didn't want to stay, although it would have been nice to talk to the hot dad that said he was staying with his daughter too. Oh, well. We went to Marie calendar's and had the breakfast buffet instead. Mmm Mmm.

The next Sunday Guy didn't want to go to church and I didn't feel it was worth fighting him over. We were already having a morning battle the other 5 days of the week. So we held our own church services at home. I pumped up some dance music on my computer and started dancing around the house. Then we took turns running and jumping and leaping across the carpet.

I must say, it sure got my Spirits Up!

From Devil to Angel

2006-08-29T11:22:00.000-07:00

Guy was having a really tough time with the move. From the moment I picked him up from preschool till the moment he fell asleep we were fighting and arguing. He was nasty and rebellious and fought me for the sake of fighting and over the stupidest things. He would scratch or kick or hit me if I didn't give him the answer he wanted. One night he grabbed a hold of my watch and pulled it so that the elastic broke and pearls went scattering all over the room.

I hated having to yell at him and spank him or drag him into the bedroom, but I knew I had to remain strong. At the same time I tried to show sympathy for him because I know he was missing Frank and Grandma and Grandpa and all his friends at preschool and getting used to a new place. I would ask him how he is feeling and I tried to be understanding. We made several visits to my parents and they came here on a couple of Saturdays to help me get things in order in the apartment.

The Primary put on a neighborhood parade with Heros as the theme. We got him a Bat Man costume and brought his batman car from my parents' house so he could drive it in the parade. I told him he would not get to wear the costume if he couldn't behave. Grandma and Grandpa came up to see him in the parade, but they arrived just in time to see him throw one of his worst fits ever so he did not get to wear the costume in the parade. Instead, we caught the tail end of the parade and followed it to the park and had a good time there where we showed G&P the baseball diamond and the fishing pond.

Finally, after three weeks of this behavior he told me one night as we were laying in bed about to go to sleep that he has four girlfriends at preschool. He said that he kissed one of them and the teacher saw them and it was funny.

I could see that he was starting to make some friends at preschool and his behavior at home was improving. After a month now he is like an angel. He is more obedient than he was before we moved. When I ask him to do something he just says, "OK, Mom" and he actually does it!

He spent last Saturday with Grandpa going fishing and shopping at Cabela's. Grandpa was happy to report that he did not throw one fit! Previously, there would have been at least one incident or scene.

I am so happy to have my best friend, cuddle buddy, Guy Smiley back =)

Moving Day

2006-08-13T15:16:00.000-07:00

Guy and I woke up early after staying at my new apartment to go pick up the Uhaul that my friend rented for me. We drove the truck to my parents' house where we were greeting by my dad. His big question was, "[Trixie], WHAT is going on?"

"I told you yesterday. I found this great deal on an apartment and I want to move out to have a place of my own and some independence again."

"So, this doesn't have anything to do with a guy or anything? You're not shacking up with someone? Because it just seems a little suspicious how you made such a hasty decision and you stayed over there without bringing any bedding or anything else."

"No, I told you, he already had a bed there that he set up for Guy and I. I have been contemplating moving out for some time now, but I just didn't have the opportunity financially. This will be closer to my work and it's a killer deal so I didn't want to let it go."

"OK, well that's a relief because it's not unheard of, you know. Your cousin Jamie is and Dayna did."

"What, Dayna did? But she's married"... (and in the temple although they are no longer active).

"Well, never mind about that." my dad said. I still don't understand how or when that happened, but then again I don't keep in touch with her although it sounds like a good idea now for some reason.

My mom called a short while after that to also find out the answer to the big question. I heard my dad telling her, "No, she's not shacking up with some guy, just her Guy," followed by a relieved laugh.

I was glad he and Aaron were around to help me load up the truck with all of my stuff that day.

We met for lunch and Kari came along. She often keeps a book with her that she is reading. Well today, coincidently she had with her: In Quiet Desperation, which is about a young man who committed suicide at a church building because of his struggle with being a member and his same-gender attraction.

Of course, this opened up a discussion which was an opportunity for Kari to help resolve my issue on the subject. After talking with her privately later, I suspect it is her that must have had more of an issue on the subject than I ever have. She wasn't able to speak the words, but she led me to believe that she herself has struggled with same-gender attraction and this book has helped her understand her plight.

The Secret is out

2006-08-13T15:15:00.000-07:00

My phone rang from the pocket of my overalls as I was trying to fall asleep on my back in the single bed next to Guy. It was my brother. I had an idea what he would be calling about. He had just been informed by my ex-fiance that I was no longer going to church, that I had been dating a non-member, I wasn't always wearing my garments and I suspect that he may have divulged another secret that my brother didn't admit to.

My brother called to find out if what he had heard was true. I give him credit for coming to the source in search of the truth instead of taking Frank's word for it.

We talked for an hour until my phone died. He mostly wanted to let me know that he among other are concerned for me etc. He also asked me what my concerns are with the church. I shared some major points that came to mind like practicing of what they called 'Blood Atonement' in the early days of the church which was basically cold murder and totaly misinterpreted the purpose of Jesus Christ's Atonement, the contradictions of the BoM and the Bible and the lack of physical evidence to support the BoM and the geographical evidence that supports that he made up the story using the names of cities near by and stole portions of the story from another book he read, the castration of a young man who refused to give up his bride-to-be to a Bishop who already had over a dozen wives, the fact that there were actually more men than women in the church durring the time of polygamy (that was the only way I was able to previously justify polygamy in my own mind, by thinking that there were all these single mothers with no one to help support their families), the former treatment by the church towards blacks and gays, the similarities of the temple ordinances and the Free Masons plus the so called sacred penalties that were removed from the ordinance after a survey conducted by the church among the members who had attended the temple to find out how they felt about their experience in the temple and if and why they had not returned.....I may have mentioned a few other issues I have to him.

My brother had already made up his mind that he would try to resolve all of my issues with the church. He believes there must be an explanation to all of it so he asked me the question, "If you were to learn that the church is true, what would you do about it?"

Of course I told him that I would live my life accordingly. He was glad to know that I am interested in the truth. The problem is, I just don't believe that I will find it among the Mormons. Their so called "Truths" are based on Faith. A scientist cannot submit a new Law until he thoroughly tests his hypothysis and provides physical evidence. Even Jesus Christ understood that need. He came back to show his hands and feet as evidence that he had been resurrected. Where is the proof that any of the BoM ever existed? Where are the ruins or the bones of all of the thousands that died in the great battle? Where are these gold plates?

I'm sorry to be a sceptic, but I cannot go back to that way of thinking, of following in blind faith. Although I tried, God I tried, and maybe I was even close to being married in the temple but it seemed like a carrot on a string, so close that I could almost taste it and it was being passed from one guy to another and I would turn and run in whatever direction it was going or even in circles trying to reach it. The game got old and I realized that I don't even like carrots that much anyway.

Aaron was on a mission now to find answers to any and all of my questions and concers about the church. Kari aparently, has done some heavy questioning of the church while she was in college and knows a professor who seems to have all the answers. Aaron was sure that he would be a good source.

Aaron committed me to send him an email listing all of my concerns and citing all my sources from the internet.

I don't think I could find half of them again and I really didn't have the time to be concerned with trivial things but I told him I would. He is still waiting for that email, though I have at least gathered some previous posts from here that I thought would be helpful.

I was suspicious that they might have been reading my blog so I have been a little shy about what I share on here. I know now by their surprise that they obviously have not been reading. I don't know if this will enspire them to or not. I know I sent them the link when I first started my blog, not knowing that I would later wish to keep it private from them.

I asked him if he was planning to tell our parents. He felt like he couldn't hold them back much longer because of their suspisions about me moving out. I didn't see how that had anything to do with it all, but that is when my phone died.

Trixie the Accountant?

2006-08-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

I registered at this temp agency after I lost my last job. A process I have done many many times, but never have I taken so many program and skills tests on the computer, 6 in all. I mentioned all the software programs that I have used and they happened to have a test for this accounting one. When I say used, I use the term very lightly. All I did was put a few letters in one cell on a few hundred accounts. But I took their test and I guessed on the answers well enough that I scored higher than all 7 other people who had tested for it in that city. Crazy. So, they were convinced that I would do well at an accounting job.

I have always kind of steared clear of accounting and banking because it makes me nervous to be responsible for other people's money.

I took an accounting job in spite of my fears. My job is to review the expense reports and enter them in the system. I guess I caught on pretty quickly, it's fairly easy but does take some brain power and problem solving skills. I actually enjoy it.

The company was just recently bought out so there is a temporary hiring freeze. My took the job as temp to perm. I think they would like to hire me, it will be a matter of whether they are able to. I hope if and when they do hire me it will come with a pay raise.

Progressively Punk Rock

2006-08-09T01:55:00.000-07:00

Guy has been needing a haircut for a month now. I didn't have much money to take him in to get it cut, and it's almost become an emergency because he can't see through his hair hanging over his eyes, so I made the brave attempt to cut his hair.

I am not the most skilled hair cutter, but I understand the concept. Only problem was I don't have the proper tools. I had a pair of fabric scissors that had tiny teeth on them for fine materials so Guy complain about them pulling his hair. My next choice was the giant kitchen scissors. I didn't even have a regular comb, only an oversized one with 2" long teeth. (Gesh all these teeth, one would think I was chewing his hair off.)

Before I even touched his head, he started crying at the sight of me coming at him with this giant comb and giant scissors. "No, it's going to hurt, don't do it," He would tell me.

I promised him I would cut it in the form of a mohawk for him which he as been wanting since Frank suggested it last summer. I held off because I knew my dad would freak, so I figured now that we were in our own place he wouldn't have to see it as much and the complaints would be more infrequent.

I got one front section almost done when I realized I was clearly losing the battle of mind and strength. He put himself to bed and I tried to lay some guilt on him by painting a picture of all his friends laughing at him at preschool the next day because of his lopsided hair cut. He just said he can be a clown and it will be funny.

Goodness, if he isn't worried about it, I figured I shouldn't be either.

The next night I got about as far on the other side of his head when he had enough again.

Three days this haircut took! Finally, I sat him down in front of a movie where he couldn't see what I was doing in the mirror and I was actually able to finish his haircut!

(Pictures coming soon)

The Dog House

2006-08-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

I made a fast decision (knowing that the bomb was about to drop) to move out. I had been planning, and hoping and plotting to for several months now and wishing for even longer than that. It finally became a reality. Granted it's no dream home. It is a little dark and stuffy and spiders and dogs haven't been the most tidy tenants. But it's in a nice neighborhood (A Mormon Bishop on one side and some Harley riders on the other side. I thinks it's pretty ironic that I should be living between the two. The street is packed with boys Guy's age and older to play baseball, basketball, football, soccer, and whatever other game they can think of to play with balls.

Guy was excited to have dogs and he began calling it the dog house to differentiate between our house and Grandma and grandpa's house. I wasn't really fond of the new name for my cherished apartment.

The first night we stayed in the basement apartment, I could not sleep because of the dog stench. The owner has three large dogs and he has to keep one of them segregated from the other two, so he was keeping him in a cage down there. The bed we slept on was right next to another cage that also reeked. I was eager to start vacuuming up the rugs and carpet in attempt to lessen the smell. When the landlord told me that I could pull up the stained carpet in the dining area that was laid down on ceramic tile like the rest of the basement I celebrated!

I pulled all the carpet up myself. I used gloves because it was so unsanitary. I even pulled up all the tack strips by myself. Last weekend my parents came to help me get up the remaining glue from the strips and wipe down the walls.

Yesterday was the first day that I was able to walk in and not be bit in the nose by the smell of dog! Yay!!

Please Note the Other New Posts Below...

2006-07-24T23:41:00.000-07:00

Texas Toast

Casual Camping

More ER Adventures With Guy Smiley

My next posts will tell about my new job and my new apartment. That's right. I finally did it!

Also, how I got off the hook from having to break the news to my parents and how they are coping.

A Frank Encounter of the Third Kind

2006-07-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

I thought last weeks events would be difficult to top, but it proved to be easier than I realized.

For the third time in the last couple of weeks Guy became somber. When I asked him what was wrong he would tell me that he missed Frank. The other two times, I just dismissed it and tried to explain that Frank won't be coming around any more, but that he still loved and cared for him.

This time I realized it was breaking his heart and that broke mine. My parents would be out of town for the weekend, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to find out if Frank would like to have him stay over one or two night. I hadn't spoken to or emailed him for several weeks so I figured enough time had passed that things had cooled off between us that I could have a normal conversation with him. I was wrong.

He went on again about why he thinks I broke up with him. Never mind that I have given him all my reasons several times already, he still has to come up with his own that he likes better. He even thought that I had ulterior motives in calling him to see if he would like to visit with Guy. He assumed that I was desperate for a sitter because my parents were gone, so I could go out dancing or on some date. Well true, I had plans for both Friday and Saturday, but I could have easily found another sitter without calling Frank. He was the first one I called because Guy wanted to see him, but nothing I say has any validity with him. He dismisses anything I tell him. So he acted like he would be doing me a big favor and let me know that he would cancel his plans so that he could see him. I was fed up and I told him a couple of times that I wasn't going to go through with it because I didn't want to deal with his accusations and belittling.

I guess I'm a sucker because I let him talk me into allowing it. We were to meet up on Friday afternoon in NE SL. We were a little early, so we kept cool by going into TGIF and ordered some lunch. I checked my phone and found that I had missed a call from the temp agency. I was expecting to learn the results of a few job interviews I had the days prior. Sure enough, I had been offered a job with LANDesk Software. It was a temp to hire position paying $10/hr. I was a little disappointed because there was another job I interviewed for that had earlier hours and paid $2 more /hour plus 1/2 hour lunch break. When I asked them about it they told me it had been filled internally, so I probably really had no chance at that job anyway. They just had to interview some one from the outside to keep it legal probably, and that was me. So of course I took the other offer.

Our food got there just after Frank arrived. He was spacing out and couldn't even focus enough to eat. He had been working all morning/day doing some construction job. He says he hadn't had much sleep the nights before either.

I was enjoying lunch and he kept prying and asking me questions about my personal life. He wanted to know what I was up to. I wish I could remember the question that lead me to finally spill the beans to him about my not going to church any more. I had been holding back from telling him for the last three months because he was still making visits to my parents house and I didn't want him to open his big mouth about it in front of my parents or something. I had just barely told him when I got a call from this guy I have seen a few times. I would have let it go except that he called me last week and I didn't answer and never called him back. So I just picked it up to ask him if I could call him back later.

Of course this made Frank even more jealous and curious and his questioning became even more personal. I answered his question without saying anything. At this he flew off the handle. He got up and walked around the back of the table and I'm sure he saw that I wasn't wearing my garments because my shirt had inched up a bit and exposed my (gasp) SKIN! He bent over to hug Guy and he just told him over and over that he loved him as if he said it enough times it might keep his soul from burning in Hell because of his wicked mother. He said to me as the waitress replaced my lemonade, "You disgust me!" I had had enough and I told him I didn't' need to hear this from him. He disagreed and said that I did and he said it again.

I got up and grabbed my purse and ripped Guy out of his arms and started for the door. He followed behind me and I turned to him and asked if he was going or staying. If he was going I would have stayed, but when he said he didn't know I told him I was leaving and he could pay for lunch. I nearly ran to the car with Guy in my arms. He must have thrown a $20 at them because he was right behind me after I got Guy in, trying to stop me from getting in my car. I pushed on his shoulder and said excuse me to get through him and into my car. He said, "Don't touch me." He then moved out of my way for me to get in, but held the door open so I couldn't close it. We tugged it back and forth a few times. I'm surprised it didn't damage the car door. I was angry and I did what I do when I try to get Guy's attention, I clapped my hands at him and told him to let go of the door. Ha, I'm sure that was a real threat to him. Then I screamed at him to let me go. I saw him look up from me and let go of the door. I looked where he was looking and saw that one of the girls from the restaurant had come out the door and was headed straight for him.

I slammed the door and took off as fast as I could to get the Hell out of there. Of course he followed me from there too. He pulled up next to me at the stop light and started yelling at me from the window. I took a right turn into the neighborhood and he turned from the middle lane to follow me. We were approaching a red light that turned green just at I came upon it and I turned left in front of the other traffic so he couldn't follow me.

My adrenalin was going and I was paranoid about him following me. I kept looking in my rear view mirror expecting to see him turn up. Once on the freeway, Guy tells me that I forgot to put his belt on him.

The next few hours were filled with phone messages from him saying that if I don't answer he is going to show up at my parents house and how he wants me to give back anything that he gave me because I was using him and I don't deserve it. He threatened to call my parents to tell them about my leaving the church because of how much I have hurt him. I begged him not to.

He went back and forth a few times about whether or not he would tell them. I explained how I wanted to tell them myself, but I was waiting until I could be out of the house first so I didn't have to be in the house while they came to terms with it. I also preferred that hey hear it from me rather than some one like him, whom they really don't have much respect for anyway.

I didn't hear from him for a couple of days when he had finally cooled off and he apologized for yelling at me and pulling a Jerry Springer on me at the restaurant. I was looking at apartments that same day. He wanted to let me know that he still cared about me and hoped that we could be friends. I told him I didn't think we could be friends because I would always feel like he is judging me or showing pity on my when I don't want or need either, esp from him.

I had just looked at this place that was advertised as two rooms for rent in a house owned by an older gentleman. After seeing that he also had a basement with two bedrooms, a bathroom, a living area and a wet bar, I asked if we could arrange for me to rent out the basement portion of the house instead. He was cool with that and I told him I would get back to him with plans to possibly move out the upcoming weekend.

On my way home Frank called me again and starts out with, "This is hard for me to do." I knew he was about to do or say something foolish, or both. He proceeded to share the story with me again about when he used to do Crystal meth and he observed that the lady who dealt it to him had a baby that she allowed to crawl on the floor, where he was sure that it had probably found and taken some of the drugs floating around her house. He shared with me how he debated whether or not he should report her. He eventually did and he felt like it was the right thing and she did some time in jail etc.

Then he had the nerve to compare that situation to my own because he was concerned for the salvation of Guy. I was furious. I told him that was ridiculous and that there is no comparison because I am not endangering my own life or Guy's by choosing not to go to church. I guess his mind was made up. He had counseled with his sisters as to what to do and the decision was made for and in behalf of me that my parents needed to be aware of my situation because they love me.

Where was my choice in all of this? He claimed that I told him for a reason. That I wanted him to know and I was telling him as a cry for help. Give me a break!!! I told him because he kept asking for it. I had been avoiding the subject with him for three months and I was just fine with him not knowing. He said he was going to break my promise to me and tell my parents. I panicked and called the house to warn my dad that he might call, but not to listen to him. There was no answer there, so I called my mother's cell phone. She answered and I told her that Frank was at it again and that he might call her. I suggested that she just not answer his call. She was more concerned for the safety of Guy and I and not terribly surprised that he as out of control.

When I got off the phone with her, Frank called again and told me that he called my brother instead. He told me how my brother thanked him over and over again. How he said that I'm the only sister he's got then Frank filled in on how much my family loves me and that he did it out of love and concern for me. Funny thing is, his act of love made me want to rip his eyes out.

I called up the landlord to the basement apt that I had just looked at and asked if I could move in as soon as tomorrow and give him the rent on Friday. Thankfully he agreed. I called up another boyfriend of mine who I had shared this all with and he wanted to help. He volunteered to rent the U-haul for me the next morning. That helped me out so very much. I also called Paul to ask if he could send me the money back from my portion of the flight, which he offered to do when I gave it to him. He was happy to help me get on my own.

Much thanks to both of you for helping me! Mooah!

My New Haircut

2006-07-13T19:26:00.000-07:00

What do you think?

The Ritual is Over

2006-07-11T22:10:00.000-07:00

I did it! I cut my hair off. It's pretty short. I think I just about got rid of any permed or colored hair. I think the cut is what I want, but I didn't have any more short hair products around so I couldn't style it like I wanted today. I picked up some new stuff at the store today. I'll find out tomorrow if it works like I want it to. I can't believe, by the way that Bed Head can charge $18 for a tiny jar of hair gel!!! I'm proud to say I only paid $3 for mine....then go back two days later and get the Bed Head out of frustration. HA!

I'll post a picture when I get it looking like I want.

Of course my father was not pleased, but what else is new?

There is so much

2006-07-09T23:38:00.000-07:00

It has been an eventful few weeks. Some of which I am anxious to share, some you wish I would share, but I will not.

The Highlights include:

Taking Guy to the ER

Being Laid off of my job

_______ ________ _________

A Family Camping trip, including sun burn.

Breaking up with my boyfriend (which will soon invoke a major haircut, of course)

Going on a Secret Trip to Texas

(This one may not be of interest to you, but I sure am excited of the idea of having a bed to myself, as I train Guy to sleep in his own now bunk bed.)

Working at a temp Job and the friend I made there

My parents suggesting that it's time for me to move out

Unemployed

2006-07-07T22:46:00.000-07:00

Shortly after I began working at the reception job in Springville they had to let go of their senior sales person. They discovered that he had been submitting false orders. We were getting calls from customers saying that they received some product or part that they never ordered.

There was a police investigation and he went on the run from the law. Not even his wife knew his whereabouts. I don't even know if she knows now.

At any rate, this set the company back quite a bit and they were slow on sales too, so they were forced to make some cut back and I guess I was one of them.

They said how they expect the business to pick up in another month or two, and if I am still looking for work by then they would love to hire me back but they would understand if I found another job. I could tell they really regretted having to do this. They told me they would be happy to give me a good reference even.

I wasn't too terribly disappointed considering I was still secretly looking for other work even after they hired me because I was not happy with the pay and I was totally bored there.

For now I am doing some temp work and practice transcription until I can find work again.

Casual Camping

2006-07-07T19:34:00.001-07:00

My family decided that they wanted to go camping the weekend before July 4th. They chose a camp ground in the Alpine Canyon which was only about 15 minutes from our house. They reserved two sites for 4 days, but we rarely stayed over night there. My dad and Guy were the only ones ready to stay over the first night and the second night I opted to go out dancing and my parents and Guy came back to the house at about 9:30 to get a pillow for my mom and when they returned to the campground t hey had been locked out so they had to turn around and come back home to sleep. We finally all got it together to stay over on the last night; my parents, Guy and I and my brother and sis-in-law.

Saturday my mother went fishing with my dad. It was the first time my mother had actually fished. I was glad to see the two of them doing somehing like that together and especially my mother showing some interest in my dad's hobbies. Guy and I joined them with sub sandwiches. I layed out on the shore in my swimming suit to catch some sun on this white body of mine. (No sunblock of course because I didn't want to block the sun. I wanted to absorb it). Well absorb it I did. I was glowing by about 5pm.

We all agreed that we didn't really care to go camping again. It takes so much time to pack up all the gear for us to get sun burnt and lay around at the hot camp site, then get eaten by mosquitos at night, only to turn around again and have to unpack, wash off and put away the camping gear. My parents had a good idea to only take day trips in the future so they don't have to worry about all the extra gear for sleeping. Yuck, it's too much like moving.

And all those bugs...who needs em?

Texas Toast

2006-07-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

I had been planning this trip to Texas for at least a month. I made the decision when I was politely univited to my friend's wedding in Sacramento. I let my parents believe that I was still planning to go to the wedding, but that it would be just a day later when she had planned the parties with friends and family, when instead I actually went to Austin to visit my boyfriend that didn't even know I had been seeing.

The week before I was scheduled to go, I almost called it off with Paul. Things were getting pretty intense between us and I was feeling pressured into doing things that I would not have done on my own. I feel like I was in a pretty vulnerable state still while we were going out. I was still exploring and getting to know myself again and Paul liked to test my boundaries and push them to the limit. My initial reaction was usually, "Hell no." But with a little persistance I would give in.

I sensed that things would only escalate if we became more serious, but he seemed to think otherwise. I figured it was worth a shot and I followed through with my plans to visit him.

He was on his way back from SF that weekend and it turned out that we would be on the same flight from SL to Austin. I met him at the airport when his flight arrived and we spend the afternoon together while waiting for the later flight to Austin. It was within the first few hours that we realized that although we had kept in touch through emails, IMs and phone we still didn't know each other as well as we thought. We both agreed that it was not going to work out between us, but we figured we would make the best of our time together anyway.

Thanks for the dances Paul. I wish there had been more.

More ER Adventures With Guy Smiley

2006-07-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

I got a call at work from Guy's daycare. They had the pleasure of informing me that guy put a rock up his nose!

I guess he did it earlier that morning while they were playing outside on the play set in the gravel. They came in and while watching a movie one of the other kids noticed that Guy's nose was bleeding and went and toldt he teacher. They talked to Guy and found out that he put a rock in his nose. They tried to see it with a flash light but couldn't. It was obviously desturbing him because he was crying off and on about it.

I called his doctor to ask what could be done. I took him to a local Insta-care to see what the Dr. there could do. He was able to see the rock, but it was way up on the floor of his nose. He must have sniffed it up there because a finger couldn't reach that far. The Dr. had him try to blow his nose to see if it would come out at all. It didn't seem to help any. He made a few more attempts to reach into the nose of his unwilling patient, but any time he got to a certain point Guy would start flailing about even with the nurse and I holding him down.

The Dr. suggested we take him to the ER. He figured we would have to sedate him in order to get it out. We were given our old waiting room of the ER. The one he had when he had pneumonia dn bronccialitis. The Dr figured out a way to get out the rock with a tool they use for removing galstones. It's a long narrow straw with a small inflatable balloon that comes out the one end. It took two male nurses and the Dr, with Guy in a papoose in order to get it out. It was pretty quick and pretty much painless without having to put his to sleep.

I suspect he just wanted to spend some time with Mom for the afternoon in his old ER room. Probably hoped we would go for a ride in the ambulance again too ;) He even got a big red popsicle from the nurses.

My Lips Are Sealed

2006-06-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

My collection of secrets is multiplying. The task of keeping them all straight and in the closet is becoming more challenging. I fear that the next time I go to put something away in there, the stack of skeletons will come tumbling out.

I'll be keeping this weeks adventures behind closed doors for as long as I can manage.

I'm Surrounded

2006-06-12T11:02:00.000-07:00

I tried to get out swing dancing last Friday, but I was counting on my parents being home in time to watch Guy for me. They were gone before I got back from work and they didn't get home until 11pm. So, Saturday I had even more determination to go out. I am not interested in the BYU swing dances any more on Saturdays. I never get asked to dance there. So, I elected to go out club dancing, which I haven't done in ages and I miss.

My parents assumed that I was going swing dancing since that's all I have been doing lately. As I was getting ready, my father said that he hopes I meet a nice young man there. He said that he and my mom would say a prayer for me that I would.

I would have liked to have a friend to go with, but since I don't have any these days, and certainly not one that would be willing to come dancing with me, I went alone. I went to Area 51 because I have been there before and I had a pretty good idea what to expect. They played Alternative, Techno, Dance and Industrial. I just walked in, put down my purse and stepped on the dance floor, where I remained for the next hour or so until they played a mild rap song which must have been sending subliminal messages in Spanish saying ask the white girl in yellow to dance, because Mexicans started coming out of the woodwork/plywood to ask me to dance.

I was just enjoying dancing with myself and when I turned around I found a gang of three short Mexican guys lined up next to each other watching me dance. I got scared off and danced myself out of their radar gaze. One came up to me with his arm around my shoulders and asked me if I would dance with him. I shook my head and smiled. He acted hurt, but what hurt him worse is when I began dancing close with another guy who asked me to dance.

We danced together for a while. Then he bought me some water and we took a break from dancing for a bit. We danced again until it was time to go. We walked out together and I told him how far I had to go to get to my car, so he offered to give me a ride to my car. We get to his car and we continue making out, mingled with conversation. He had a white shirt on under his button up shirt. I asked if I can take of his buttoned shirt off for him. He let me and I discovered that it was no Hanes or Fruit of the Loom T shirt. It was a garment shirt. I was puzzled to find that he is Mormon because of the way he was dancing with me earlier. I asked him if he was, which at this point I already knew the answer. He asked me if I was too. I laughed and told him I used to be. I found it pretty hysterical and it pretty much put an end to what might have happened because he wanted to know why I don’t go to church any more and he asked me to share what I found about the church. He said I sound like I am just hurt. Yeah, I am hurt. I’m hurt because I found out that I have devoted my life to a church that has been lying to me.

He didn’t get it. He asked me if I would like to go to church with him to the Spanish ward. “Not really.” I said, “It disgusts me.”

He kept telling me that he wants to see me again, but I tried to make it clear that I am not interested in returning to church. It didn’t phase him too much.

He came down the next day, Sunday evening to pick up his car and in hopes that I would be free to see him for a while. I couldn’t leave Guy with my parents again after being gone all day already. The next weekend he came down again on Saturday and Sunday. He just drives into town and calls me on his way and would expect me to be free.
Well Mom and Dad, your prayers were answered. I met a nice Mormon boy after all. Ha! Isn’t it ironic?!

Another Bishop's interview

2006-06-12T10:37:00.000-07:00

The bishop called me into his office again to follow up on our last appointment. When he called me to set the appointment, which he usually has the secretary do, he mentioned that he would be meeting with Jeremy just before our appointment and it would be nice if we could accidentally run into each other on purpose.

I've been a good sport about it all so far, but anything beyond this would be too much. He has been given several opportunities to ask me out, but he seems to be either too shy or not interested. Besides, if he were interested I would only break his heart.

I got there on time this time and the Bishop went over, probably to ensure that I would be there before they got out. They came out of his office and we exchanged hand shakes. The Bishop asked me if I made it to the Young Adult ward today. I hadn't, but I told him I did. Jeremy asked, "Oh, I didn't see you there." Since when did he start going to the YA ward? I never saw him there, the three times I actually attended. Plus he is over 30. I had to think fast to come up with another lie to cover up the last lie I told the bishop.

"I was in the foyer because I came late." Phew, they bought it. He sat on the back row because he was late too.

The Bishop was supposed to follow up with me about attending the family ward's sacramento meeting in addition to the YA ward. He didn't even bring it up. And that's fine because I was going to tell him that I didn't think it was necessary.

He did finally back off a little about going out with Jeremy. He said that if he didn't meet my personal standards then he wouldn't want to pressure me into going out with him. But his solution to my problems was still the same. That I need to get married to a good, rich man.

Geee, Thanks for your confidence, Bishop.

Kara's Wedding

2006-05-31T15:12:00.000-07:00

I was in Sacramento last weekend for the wedding of a close friend of mine. I would say we were best friends for several years. We used to work together. We both served missions. We did all manner of girly things together. She is the closest thing I've ever had to a sister. She has been dating this convert from Mexico for a couple of years. I expected them to be married in the temple, but they had a civil wedding in her parent's back yard. I didn't pry to find out why they didn't go to the temple. It would probably be pretty easy to guess. I didn't spend lot of time with her before the wedding, perhaps I planned it that way subconsciously. She does not yet know about my new religious development and I wasn't ready to tell her. I especially didn't want to draw attention away from her on her big day. I will tell her when the time is right. Another friend of mine in Sacramento, Teri took the missionary discussions with some other member friends while we were in High School. I understood that she would have joined but her parents asked her to wait until she was 18. I spent quite a bit of time with her on my last visit and we talked about the church and my decision to leave it. She said that she was really turned off by how each Sunday she was told another thing that she could NOT do. When one of the teachers started telling her that even hot chocolate was technically against the Word of Wisdom, that was the final straw for her. When I first told Teri over the phone about my discovery, after her shock and awe she responded with, "Aww, little Trixter is growing up."

I guess I wasn't under the impression that being a member of the church indicated that I was not growing up. I felt that it made me quite mature, actually. Afterall, I had nearly mastered the art of resistance by being a member of the church. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, listen to hardcore rock & roll (and I don’t mean Elvis Presley), dress immodestly, swear, lie, cheat, steal, watch R rated movies, gamble, shop or work on Sundays. Hell, I even served a full time mission while I didn't even get to listen to music other than church hymns, read any books besides the standard works, visit or call friends, watch movies (besides church videos), go on dates, go dancing, go swimming, take naps, sleep in or stay up late. There are few people who could manage to live within such strict guidelines, but I did. I was a pretty darn ...no Damn obedient missionary. I used to say that I wouldn't trade my mission experience for the World because I learned so much. I think now I would have gotten more out of what I wanted to do more than serve a mission, which was to join the Peace Corps. I wanted to devote at least a portion of my life to helping people. I'm sure I would have done more good by joining the Peace Corps than I did on my mission, even with the few hours of service we did in the rest homes which at the time, I felt was a poor excuse for community service. So I found out that I am not at mature as I thought. That’s ok, though because I feel like I am finally on the right track. I thought I had all the answers to life given to me in a nice little package. All I had to do was 'hold to the rod'. As it turns out, the way to happiness isn't a road of rules and restrictions at all, but simply one of love, kindness and understanding of others, including ourselves. It felt so nice to be able to be myself around Teri. I even showed off my new underwear to her. She said, “When did you get a cute butt?” Then she began to wonder who I was and what I did with her prude friend. I told her I am Trixie’s evil twin, and that I have taken over, so her ‘prude’ friend won’t be coming back.

Teri and I decided to leave the reception a little early to take off to San Francisco for some Salsa dancing. I think the name of the place we went is something like La Coca Rocco. I’m probably way, off, but something like that. Translated it probably means, ‘The Cockroach’ or something. It’s a cool place though. One of Teri’s old boyfriend’s took her there when they were dating. Then Teri took Kara and I a few nights just before I moved out to Utah, but we got there kind of late that night.

This time we got there just before the band started and the place was just filling up. There were a lot more people than last time. Both of us hardly sat down because we were always being asked to dance. The first guy that asked me to dance became pretty fond of me and kept coming back for more. He was pretty fun to dance with too because he let me get creative.
Teri met an admirer too. I guess they really hit it off because last I heard he was driving up to Sacramento the next night to go salsa dancing with her again!

Channel 7, Up to Heaven

2006-05-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

I visited the Yahoo group, Freestone that I mentioned in my post for Near Death Experiences. I have only read a few of the stories so far, and I wanted to share a couple of the ones that left an impression on me.

Both came from people who are channellers, or a person that communicates for another spirit.

The first is from a lady who shortly after the fall of the Twin Towers wanted to see if she could contact one of the hijackers of the planes. She was able to make contact and this is what she learned from him.

He is in a dark, black space. He can see other spirits as gray forms, but he has not been able to communicate to them, although he has tried. He thinks they may not be able to see him. It has been communicated to him that he will be made to experience the pain and deaths of all of those who’s lives his choices have affected, including the suffering of their family and loved ones as a result of their deaths. He is experiencing it in Earth’s time, which will take him many lifetimes before this process is completed.
He has also been told that those who assisted in the plotting of these acts will experience the same torment as he is now, even those who celebrated in the events will experience many of the same things.

He was lied to by those who plotted the attack. They told him how he would be praised in heaven as a hero, but obviously he is highly disappointed. He has tried to communicate his condition to his family, but they do not hear him because of their beliefs.

The channeller didn’t realize she had remained with him in her sleep and she woke up screaming because her chest felt like it had been crushed.

Here is another channeller who has communicated with Mary, Mother of Jesus. You can view the whole message here. http://www.baproducts.com/pred2002.htm

Her ending note is what I liked best: …..I call you to change your inner life. If you are unforgiving and hating any person then stop, forgive them and yourself. If you are not living in inner peace because of addiction or past abuse, forgive. If you are filled with anger, resolve it. If you live in fear, eliminate it from your life and trust in God. Go within; cleanse your heart and mind of all that keeps you from experiencing inner peace, and all that is not loving. Pray, and pray, and pray for yourself, your loved ones and for your world. Yet never forget that you are spirit and that your life on earth is temporary and not at all your entire life. For you live eternally and when you die on earth your spirit lives. You and all of us were created as spirits in God's image and likeness. Human is your temporary condition; spirit is your permanent condition. Love yourself unconditionally and love your loved ones, make peace with estranged family members ... and yes, this means you. Forgive all things, for nothing is more important than this. You came to bring peace to earth; you do it one at a time, one life at a time. You can live in peace now. You can have a bright future now, it takes your prayers, your belief, and you changing and cleansing your inner life.

Mary, Mother of Jesus-
This was enlightening to me because the Mormons teach that we will be resurrected with our physical bodies but in a perfected state. They say that we will have immortal bodies, but not ones of flesh and blood.

From what I have read, our Spirit bodies still take on a physical shape. They can be seen and recognized (not by all) and they have all of their senses. People who have spoken of having out of body experiences have expressed how heavy and restricting they realize their bodies are after they return to them. At least Mormons were right about angels not having feathered wings ;)

Back to Beans and Rice

2006-05-23T22:16:00.000-07:00

For about one summer, I decided I would experiment with being vegitarian, even vegan for a while. My ensentive was better health because I have always fought acne and I had read several sources that suggested that one's diet can be the cause and the cure. I even cut down on foods packed with preservatives like bread and other processed foods.

It was easy for me to cut out the meat, because it doesn't really appeal to me anyway and I detest preparing it, thus rarely did unless I was making chicken encheladas with frozen, boneless chicken breasts that I could plop into the boiling water without even touching them.
Being Vegan was especially challenging. I only kept it up for a few weeks. Cheese that doesn't melt? Yuck. Mm, I could have lived on those Tofuti Cuties, though. Yumm.

I eventually gave up on it partly because there were so many fewer vegitarian choices at restaurants ten years ago, and my family certainly didn't cater to my diet, so I was having to prepare seperate meals for myself. Plus I couldn't afford my own food fill. I remember going to the health food store and paying $60 for one bag of groceries! Oh, and some of the things I tried, like the dehydrated tofu chicken gave me terrible gas!

I still love trying new vegitarian dishes when I go out to eat and I almost always get the 7 layer burrito at Taco Bell. About the time that I realized that the church is not true, just a few weeks ago, I also felt the desire to adopt a vegitarian diet again. Not solely for better health, but out of respect for the animals.

I am still disturbed by what I learned from my X after he went to some Vegan seminar and they showed a film about the treatment of the animals that are (my impulse is to say 'grown') raised on the farms of the butchers for some of the fast food chains. He brought home a book from the library that was from the same authors of the film he saw. I was thoroughly disturbed by the images that I saw. They weren't even photgraphs, but drawings of what these two sisters observed.

It was enought for me to swear meet off again for a while again. Not that I was even eating any at the time. I was living on moth infested boxes of scalloped potatoes, rice and pasta that had been given to us.

My point is that I want to live according to my OWN personal beliefs. Therefore, I have given up meat for the past three weeks or so. My mother even made a vegitarian meal for my birthday dinner last Sunday, at my request. The problem is once again, that I have only afforded a few groceries since I have been unemployed, let alone being able to stock up on the staples I need in order to get enough protein.

What I have noticed is that ever since last Saturday, I have been feeling lathargic. I figured it was because I stayed up until 5am Saturday morning reading about NDEs, or because I haven't been exercizing for the last week since I starting working. But even after catching up on sleep, I can't shake this feeling like I just want to lay down. And just last week I was feeling great, almost bouncing around. I realized today that it is likely that it's due a lack of protein. I need to remedy the situation, and fast before my body starts suffering.

Lookin' For Adventure

2006-05-23T19:16:00.001-07:00

I got a call about a job Monday morning from a lady that wanted to set up an interview for the same day. I figured I could get there and back during my lunch break, but I was late leaving from work and I would not have chosen to wear my renaissance/punkish T-shirt that says, "Guilty" on the front. At least I was wearing dress slacks with it. -10 points for being late and -10 more for my attire. Missed the 5 bonus points for not having a formal copy of my resume with me to give them.

"Well how about you start by telling us a little bit about yourself." I only summarized beginning with the last year when I moved to Utah. After a few moments into a conversation the lady looks up from my resume and asks, "What is the longest you have been at one job? I see here on your resume 3 months, 7 months..." Here we go. I mean don't these people look at the resumes before they call people in for an interview? You could have spared me some time and embarassment if all you wanted to do was interrogate me.

Then the proverbial question, "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" Don't ask me to lie. Can we just stick to the job qualifications, please?

I knew I had blown another interview. At this point I have given up looking for a higher paying job. I don't qualify for the position I want that pays more. Not that I couldn't do the job, but I don't have the consistent experience that they are looking for.

I have a renewed determination to get my medical transcription training completed. I have lots of spare time at work. Although I can't pack in my foot pedal and earphones and download the player software on their computer at work, I figured I would practice just retyping the ones that I have already transcribed.

Once I got that up and running, I thought what would be even more fun than getting a mobile home would be to get a Mortor Home or a camping trailer! I must be crazy, but it would be so much fun to be able to travel the country with Guy in a motor home. We could stay in one place for a few weeks then drive on to the next state and see the sites. I would need either a personal tutor for Guy, which means another compainion in such a small living space or take him to a different daycare every month, which could be pretty hard on a kid to not have something stable. It depends on how many hours I would have to work in order to support us, but another idea was to get some educational DVDs to entertain him while I work in the mornings then we could go have fun together.

So this is my latest wishful adventure.

My Poor Little Sickling

2006-05-23T19:16:00.000-07:00

Guy just got over a cold a few weeks ago and then he started coughing again last week. Last night his breathing became shallow again like it was shortly before we started taking him into the Emergency and he was eventually hospitalized, this last January.

I stayed home from work today to take care of him. My mother had to convince me that I needed to take him in to see a doctor. If not his regular slow-to-act-Pediatrician then another Pediatrician.
I have been conditioned by the doctors to hesitate before I bring him in because as long as it is a virus, they really can't do much for him except suggest a good decongestant like Robitussin. So I have been giving him that faithfully, but it's not doing the trick this time. I checked with his regular Dr. to see what he had to say. Sure enough, he heard crackling in his lungs, which indicates Pneumonia. It's a-typical for a bacterial infection to affect his lungs all over like they are, but he decided to go prescribe an antibiotic just in case. Hallelujah!..that he gets an antibiotic, but how did he manage to get Pneumonia for the third time in barely one year?

What Happens When We Die?

2006-05-20T00:56:00.000-07:00

I have been somewhat fixated lately about what happens when we die. I think it was inspired partly by my aunt's recent death and also as an attempt to prove or disprove the beliefs that the LDS church taught. I am having to recreate a belief system for myself one question at a time.

Not wanting to have to wait to find out when I die, I have been reading some accounts of people who actually have died, but came back to life, if even for a few seconds. There is a myriad of stories posted on the internet of people who have experienced this rare gift. They are each unique, yet they have common threads.

Brian Kreb shares what he has found to be the four rules pertaining to Near Death Experiences, taken from studying the accounts of others as well as from his own two personal NDEs.

They are briefly:

Rule One: At any given moment one may choose to return to their bodies.

Rule Two: One may choose where they go, ie: back to their body, into another room or dimention, or possibly get stuck in the "void". The void is also described as ultimate darkness, the blackest of blacks, ultimately it is the absence of love or a form of Hell. One must only think about love in order to leave the void, but msot are stuck and confused and thus remain.

Rule Three: Once past the void, which can be very brief for some or lengthy for others, depending on their issues a person sees a garden or a river or a gate. Once again the person is given the decision to stay or go back. If they decide to go through the gate or over the river, (to the end of the tunnel) there they will meet their creator.

Rule Four: If the person makes it to the end of the tunnel and meets their creator they will feel more love and acceptance and wisdom and knowledge and understanding than you ever have. And you will remember it. And you will not leave it out of your description of your experience. There you are and there is love - overwhelming, pure, beautiful love.

Then the person goes through a life review. IT is done in the light of the love of the Creator. In this love, you see all you have done wrong and right and the effects of it and you are unafraid because the Creator's love is there. There is nothing but the truth. That accomplished, you may (Rule 1) zip back into you body. You may then do whatever you think you need to and those descriptions vary.

Some other smilarities that I have noticed is the absence of time, observing new colors and sounds, there is no verbal communication (it is more like talpathic). In many cases a loved one who has already died will encourage them to go back or inform them that it is not their time.

There were some bizarre cases where a person had been dead for 3 days, even up to 22 days.

In England, after inspecting some coffins that had to be moved to another grave yard, they found that a select few of them had awakened after they had been buried. They could tell because the positioning of the bones was not in the burial position. It's interesting to me that the choice would be given them to come back knowing that they would only be left to die in the confines of the coffin.

I'm thinking cremation sounds like a pretty good idea to me. Certainly ashes in an urn can't contain a rejected spirit.

Here is a site where DaRell D. Thorpe shares a collection of people's either NDEs, Out of Body Experiences and other related stories. I selected a few humorous or particularly intriguing one to share with you here. Or you can read all 118 of them like I did last night from 3-4 am...or this morning, correction it was yesterday.

"I have experienced 'astral projection' several times. I have seen myself several times from a distance. I have gone to Hawaii while my mortal shell has slept. Don't believe me?...I have the postcard to prove it!!!"

Scientologists would love this person. Actually, I haven’t ruled out the possibility of reincarnation.

"I have strange feeling sometimes. I remember some of my previous lives. If I close my eyes and leave myself to be led by mindstorm I usually see uncommon things. I'm sure I fought in the 1st World War, I think I was a German soldier. I know I died in Japan in 1492. I remember my name, my rank, the shiro I should defend and I failed. Before this time I was a Scottish man or woman, I can't remember, but two things are clear: I loved whiskey and the national music. I lived somewhere in Europe in the XIII or XIV century, I was somebody related to the royal household. Maybe I was a musician. Also, I had a very bad life in Greece, sometime before Christ, I was a humiliated woman. I will never go there, because I feel pain still. I lived in France at the Revolution, in 1789. I do remember something, but it was a bad life for me. I know all lives are to improve the soul and prepare for something, I don't know exactly what for. Maybe, I have to live at least one more life, because this one is not perfect, but can be. Finally, I do not use drugs, never drink alcohol... yes, maybe I'm crazy, but what can you say if you know five seconds before the phone rings who will call you and why, and what are you if you can read people's minds like an open book? And what is the conclusion if you can see your light dark aura?"

"When I was approximately 12 years old, I was out on my bicycle on my street jumping curbs. I did this often as a child. I really enjoyed jumping this one curb that was very steep. The last time I jumped that curb my foot slipped off the pedal and I flew off the bike over the handlebars straight into a tree. I saw the tree flying straight at me. At that exact moment, I knew I was dead. The only thing I could say was, no. As I screamed "NO!" I felt a very HOT sensation flow through my body for an instant. I then became unconscious. When I awoke a few moments later, I saw that I was on the other side of the tree. I knew there was no way I could have missed the tree. When I stood up, I realized my entire body was covered in tree sap. I have no explanation on how it happened, but I passed THROUGH the tree unharmed."

"When I was 12 years old (16 years ago) my appendix burst. I was rushed to the hospital, by then I was grey in color. Our family doctor and the emergency medical staff rushed me into the operating room to do an exploratory surgery. As I lay on the table a priest was ushered in to give me my last rites. I was scared. Then they put me under to work on me, I felt cold. It was dark, but suddenly I felt warm. I heard a voice from somewhere talking to me. It was like I jumped into the middle of a conversation. The voice said, "It's not time for you yet... I have big plans for you." My mind flooded with ideas, plans, concepts. Then the voice said, "Time to go back.... Tell them be good to each other... Help them." Then I felt a huge push, back down to where I was laying on the table. I woke up on the operating table in the middle of my surgery. The emergency staff scrambled to get me back to sleep. I was told that the emergency staff had had to DEFIB me back to life, but weren't expecting me to wake up. I am now a college professor at a local university and have been an inventor in the medical field. I hope I am helping."

I like it when they bring back a message with them. Funny thing is I have yet to read about God telling the person that the LDS church is the only true church and that they will need to be baptized and confirmed and pay tithing, and serve in the church, and not drink coffee/tea/alcohol or smoke tobacco in order to return to live with God, whom they had just seen. Not one of them even mentions the need to be sealed to a spouse in the Temple in order to live for eternity with God. I would think that if it were true that all of things are necessary to return to live with God that it would be mentioned as a person returns to Earth, along with any other message.

"In 1995 in the month of February, I believe that's when I remember this incident occurring, I was having a very vivid dream in which I was flying. About one year before I had been in a serious auto accident and had a severe head injury that caused some very vivid dreams and visions. In this particular dream I was flying. I remember being careful not to fly into power lines. The area I was flying in reminded me of central to northern California. At the time of this dream I lived in Salt Lake City, Utah. In the last part of the dream I remember seeing a large electrical power substation. Since I was vary aware I was only in a dream, I was very curious to find out what would happen if I flew into the power lines, so I did. I flew into the lines in the substation. Everything went white. I woke up startled and then remembered I had only been dreaming. I was lying in bed listening to my radio that morning when I heard a report on the news about a large power blackout in northern California that had occurred in the last 45 minutes (the same time as I was having my dream). They believe the phenomena that caused it was at a substation in Fresno. Weird, huh!"

"I had a dream that I was outside in the inner city of L.A. and derailed a train and killed 400 people and I also dreamt that I kidnapped two people and when I woke up there were two missing and a train derailed in L.A."

This one ranks higher on the Creepy factor.

"I was watching TV up in my room with my friends and it was about 11:30pm.We heard a banging noise in the living room down stairs. My friends and I thought it was my big brother pounding on the walls trying to scare us, so we went down to the living room to find a ghost. It was just standing there staring at us with these big red eyes. It started moving toward us saying something in a low voice. We all huddled together as the ghost moved closer. It was finally in arm's reach and grabbed one of my friends, and since we were huddled together we all vanished with the ghost. We were transported down a long narrow hallway into a small black room. We could not escape from this room. We were trapped in this small black room, cold and hungry, when the same ghost we saw earlier came into view. Again we huddled together and again the ghost came closer. We were again transported down the same long narrow hallway and at the end of the hallway was my room. We looked at the clock: it read 11:30pm. My mom heard us yelling in my room and she came running to my room asking us, "Where in the hell have you been ?!" You see it was 11:30 pm, but two days later. We still have no idea where we all went, but ever since that night we have not seen the ghost that took us to the small black room."

"I have found out that I have lived this same exact life about 136 times (give or take a few). I keep having flashes when I realize what happened in one of my previous lives and if I act fast enough I can change the event."

I saved my favorite for last.

"I was having sex one time when I suddenly had a weird sensation (no it wasn't my first orgasm). I was floating over the bed and watching my partner going on as if I were still there. I still felt like I was having sex. Suddenly I was violently dropped back into my partner's body and she was put in my body. Now I have the personality of a man but the body of a woman."

WTF?....(hehehe, I love puns.) Can you imagine? I wonder if they are still together.

I enjoyed reading Kimberly Clark Sharp's simple and clear understanding through her NDE in her book "After the Light."

…The Light was brighter than hundreds of suns, but it did not hurt my eyes. I had never seen anything as luminous or as golden as this Light, and I immediately understood it was entirely composed of love, all directed at me. This wonderful, vibrant love was very personal, as you might describe secular love, but also sacred.
Though I had never seen God, I recognized this light as the Light of God. But even the word God seemed too small to describe the magnificence of that presence. I was with my Creator, in holy communication with that presence. The Light was directed at me and through me; it surrounded me and pierced me. It existed just for me.
The Light gave me knowledge, though I heard no words. We did not communicate in English or in any other language. This was discourse clearer and easier than the clumsy medium of language. It was something like understanding math or music - nonverbal knowledge, but knowledge no less profound. I was learning the answers to the eternal questions of life - questions so old we laugh them off as clichés. "Why are we here?" To learn. "What's the purpose of our life?" To love. I felt as if I was re-remembering things I had once known but somehow forgotten, and it seemed incredible that I had not figured out these things before now…

Freestone is the blog of a man who claims to have had over 100 dream visions, over the years, of being taken by guides and Angels, to visit the afterlife, heaven, worlds. You have to join his Yahoo group in order to read it, but it’s no biggie and it’s free. I’ll be reading from it today. I’ll let you know if I find anything noteworthy.

Home Page of NDEs. There’s dozens more links here to explore.

It's My Birthday!

2006-05-17T08:13:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday and few people knew that without me telling them. I am at work and I just started a few days ago, so it's news to them.

I did get to celebrate with Paul while he was here last weekend. He took me to dinner at Macaroni Grill. It was such a treat to get to spend so much time with him for the greater part of the weekend. He was planning to come next weekend, but he left Denver early to come see me sooner. I'm so glad he did. I miss him already.

This morning I told Guy that it is my birthday today and his face lit up and he asked, "Are we getting a dog now?" "noo," I told him. His smiling face turned up-side down and he said to me, "It's not your birthday anymore!"

He has been begging me for a dog for several months now. I figured it would be ok once we can move out of Grandma and Grandpa's house. When I was still looking for work, I tried to explain that first Mommy needs to find a job, then we need to move into our own place and then we can get a dog.

He didn't want to go back to Preschool when I started work, so I explained that it has to be this way in order for him to get a dog. When I got home from work on my first day, he asked if we can get a dog now. He asks me a couple times a day actually.

I have been looking at apartments, a little prematurely, but I haven't found one that yet that allows pets. At least not ones that we could afford, I don't know about the others. If I could get a loan, I could purchase a mobile home for $28,000. That would do the trick, if only.

Anyway, I think the plan tonight is to go to dinner and go to the park to watch the little geague base ball games.

Only one more year before I turn 30! It used to frighten me because the cut off age for the Young Adult wards and activities is 30, if they make it that far. After that there is the Single Adult group that goes to infinity. There is a large gap in activity in the church among the singles between the ages of 30 and 45 when they return to the single scene after enjoying the priveliges of marriage, 4 kids, 25 years of letting their bodies go and a nasty divorce.

My fears of being single and 30 have nearly dimished. I would have hoped to have at least one more child at my age, but there is still time and so many more options for me now. I hope very much that I can be with Paul some day, but if not I will still find happiness.

Happy Birthday to the happier, more care free, nearly liberated, hopefull, more enlightened ME!

My Aunt Debbie

2006-05-13T09:19:00.000-07:00

Another Aunt that passed away has been on my mind for a while now. My Aunt Debbie. She converted to the church after dating one of my my mother's 6 brothers when he returned from his mission. They got married and had 4 kids. About 10 years ago, she decided that she wanted to divorce my uncle and leave the church. It was devistating to her kids. The two younger children went to live with her and the older two with my uncle. My aunt began drinking and smoking and she lost a bunch of weight, when she was already sufficiently thin. She didn't even allow her younger daughter to hang her church Young Women posters in her room. Besides that, she was demanding all this child support and alimony from my uncle to pay for her luxury apartment and other expences.

I bring up all the other stuff because it's a prime example of how her character was decimated to make her actions invalid. No one ever discussed what reasons she had for leaving the church. I learned later from my cousin that my aunt would lock herself in her room and read anti-mormon literature all day.

I don't know the details of the events before, durring and after their breakup. I think it's a shame that she eventually abandoned her family. I don't know if that was her choice or not. If I know my uncle the way I think I do, I would imagine that he would be willing to try to work things out. I just don't know for sure.

She eventually went off on her own and explored Buddhism and perhaps a few other religions. I saw her one time when my cousin went on his mission and then a few years ago when their younger daughter was married in the temple, she was at the reception. A few months after that,I learned that she had committed suicide. She attempted it one other time and her husband rescued her before it was too late. So the second time she drove her car out to the wilderness where she overdosed on some medication. She was found a few days later by a hunter. I didn't get to go to her funeral, as I was in Utah and it took place in California. I did get word that she had many regrets about leaving her family. I don't recal if leaving the church was also part of her regret, but it kind of put a scare in me, and I think in the rest of the family too, that if one leaves the church, they will have so much regret that it could cause one to commit suicide.

Then there's the idea that is believed in the church that if a person committs suicide then they will automatically be sentenced to live in the lowest kingdom, besides outer darkness, the Telestial Kingdom.

Talk about scare tactics.

Searching for Answers

2006-05-13T09:18:00.000-07:00

I think I have developed a personal theory on answers to prayers, based on my own personal experience. I feel like prayer has been more like a window into my own heart's desires, not necessarily communication from God.

I haven't ruled out the possibility of communication from God. I just don't think I have tapped into that source so far. Perhaps with the exception of the times when I have felt pure love.

My aunt's funeral got me pondering about life after death one night. So much so, that I woke up at 6am to search the internet for stories about life after death experiences. I found several stories that invoved hospital patients who saw family and friends who had passed away (in some cases the patient was not aware the the people had passed away already) in the room with them. It was understood that they were there to help them with the journey from this life to the next. There was also the common thread about those who say they saw a vast, soft light that opened into the alternate universe of the afterlife. There were several that I wanted to read further, but the power shut down and Guy called me back to bed. That might be something for me to look into while at work tomorrow durring my down time, which there is a lot of.

Employed Again

2006-05-11T16:59:00.000-07:00

I should be happy that I was just offered a job that will start on Monday. Of course it is the one that I least wanted.

It's the grungy little place down in Springville. It's a reception position for some warehouse type of place. I still don't even know what they make there. Oh, well. It seems like it will be a piece of cake. It's a pretty laid back job. It's also right next to a preschool. I need to look into that for Guy. And the preschool is next to a gymnastics place. I would love to sign Guy up for a tumbling class.

The Mortgage Co. is supposed to make their decision tomorrow, so there's still a chance at that. It pays more and it's a nicer office.

I tried my luck last week and sent in an application for a job listing in Austin for an Administrative Assistant. It is with a non-profit organization, Texas Real Alternatives to Abortion Aid for mothers. What a rewarding job that would be to know that I am helping to save lives. I honestly didn't expect to hear back from them, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to put in my application. I actually got a call back from them on Tuesday! They wanted to ask a few screening questions, mostly on my opinion on the issue of Abortion. She seems pretty satisfied with my answers and told me she would be in contact with me.

This morning I found an email from her with instructions to go to the link in her email and take the Kolbe Index. It's one of the many mind-tapping questionairs that employers like you to take. They think they can look through a crystal ball when they get the results of those things. So, I'm answering the questions and they are in the format where I am supposed to select which of the four words would describe how I am most likely to respond in a given situation and which of the four words describe how I am least likely to respond.

All throughout the test I was strugling to know how to answer the questions. In some cases one might be true and in other cases another answer would be more appropriate or that I simply would do all of them, etc. So, of course my results reflected my uncertainty. My score was almost even across the board, when a normal person would be more partial to one or two characteristics.

The 5 page long result summary went on to say how I am in a time of transition and there may be some changes in my life that are causing stress to bring about the results that I got on the test. It gave about 6 examples of some major changes or stressors in a person's life. Well, nearly all applied to me, plus others that they did not mention. I guess I have reason to feel stressed after all.

I reluctantly forwarded the results on, with a brief explaination that I am in deed in a transition and I will gladly take the test over, if they so desire.

I can kiss that one good-bye.

Am I Busted?

2006-05-11T01:33:00.000-07:00

The ward secretary of my family ward called me up on Tuesday to schedule an interview with the Bishop for the following night. I was hesitant, but I agreed. I tried to find out what it was about, but he didn't know, of course.

I let my mind wander up until the time I went in for the interview. For one, I am supposed to be a member of the YA ward and he would no longer be my Bishop. Did a family member read my blog and rat me out? Did my parents notice the few days that I went without my garments? Did the neighbors complain of my working out on the stepper on the deck in my baithing suit to get some sun? Is he just checking in on me, because he cares? Did it have to do with my dad filling out and donating $2 towards for a fast offering for me? ( I told him I didn't have any to give, and he figured I meant I didn't have any money, so he gave it for me without telling me until after. I just meant I didn't *want to give any, even though I did fast, because it was for his health and for my aunt Chris's family.)

Should I be prepared to confess all? Should I deny it all? Play it cool? Cancel?

I went with...Play it cool. I acted as if nothing was wrong. I would not let on to anything that he may or may not already be aware of.

That was the right approach. Of course he started off with asking how I am doing with finding a job and how things are going with Frank, whether we are friends etc. He asked if I was glad that he encouraged us to wait until we could go to the temple. I assured him I was glad that we waited.

He told me that he was doing some routine interviews of the single people in the ward, and this was the reason for my visit. He mentioned that he just finished interviewing the other single member of the ward, Jeremy. He has been trying to set us up from the time I moved here. I didn't mind and I would have even gone out with him, even thought I didn't feel like he was my type. I gave him an opportunity to, as he found me on a LDS website and we sent a few messages back and forth, but he never made the move. Shortly after that I began dating Frank. The Bishop seems to want to encourage us to go on a date now that I am no longer engaged. I pretended to go along with it.

He also wanted to explain that although I can attend the YA ward he is going to keep my records in the family ward because I have a child. Something about how the ward can better meet the needs of the kids. I have been sending Guy with my parents so he can go to Primary. They had no problem with it when I was attending the YA ward in California. Apparently, they only requested my records, so Guy's were left in the Family ward and he became head-of-household. My Bishop suggested that I start attending Sacrament meeting with my family in addition to going to the YA ward. That way, Guy sees that I am going to church.

He then went on to ask me the general questions....am I still morally clean, and worthy to go to the temple...am I paying a full tythe...am I saying my personal prayers...

Well, considering I think the temple is a hoax and I haven't done anything I conder to be morally unclean, I answered yes to the first question. I haven't been earning any money, aside from the garage sale, so no reason to pay any tithing. Personal prayers...now there's an interesting subject.

"Actually, Bishop I have been having a hard time saying my personal prayers lately." He seemed to know just what I was speaking of because he asked me if it was because I received such a strong answer about marrying Frank. Yes, that's exactly the reason.

He opened up his scriptures to D&C 46 which talks about the gifts of the Spirit. He read verse 16 which says, "And again, it is given by the Holy Ghost to some to know the diversities of operations, whether they be of God, that the manifestations of the spirit may be given to every man to profit withal."

He explained that some times there are other influences that can mimic the Spirit. For example One's positive attitude. Even in the temple, contrary to people's belief that there can be no unclean thing in the temple, some times people lie and so a person's promptins can even be influenced by something other than the Spirit in the Temple.

He mentioned how they go about filling a calling within the ward with the right person. He used my mother as an example. He said that most of the time they just feel good about the fit and some times it doesn't work out, but usually it does. I happen to know how she was called to be the ward newsletter person. The counselor actually came over to give her one calling, but she didn't feel like she could commit to it because she is planning to be working durring the hours that she would need to be available for it. He asked about what kind of work she does and she mentioned that she has a lot of computer experience. Knowing that the ward will also be in need of a new person to do the newsletter, he asked her if she would be able to do that instead. Then he went back and they made their decision to call her as the newsletter person instead.

So, in other words Bishop, I was misguided by an evil spirit, or my overly positive attitude when I received the answer to my prayer about whether I should spend the rest of my life with and have children with the person I am dating? If I cannot rely on the Spirit to actually be the Spirit, then what can I rely on?

Hmmm....knowledge?

The conclusion of his interview was, once again that I need a good man to take me to the temple and support me.

I just don't buy into that anymore. It has done me no good to put myself out on a line, expecting a good man to come along and save me. Love Ya, Bish, but what you are asking of me is not fair.

Anything Goes

2006-05-10T23:09:00.000-07:00

I am still laboring in finding a job. I have signed up with several online agencies as well as with a few temp agencies. I have sent out my resume to a few dozen employers, plus there are others who found my resume online and contacted me. From that I have had 9 interviews!...but no offers.

What an array of questions I was asked in these interviews. It's not just about whether a person can do a job anymore. They want you to pull out all the skelatons in your closet out for them to see.

The first interview I went to on Tuesday was with a construction company for the position of Receptionist. I noticed that there was no receptionist and asked if they are going without right now. He explained that their receptionist will be retiring in a few weeks, but she is still around. They went through some of the usual questions and then he asked me what my plans are for the future. I said something like, "...I'll be around for a while." They wanted to know just how long "a while" would be. I couldn't give them the answer they wanted, which was to say that I plan on working for them for the next 30 years of my life so that I can retire as their receptionist! They really had no more questions for me after that.

The second interview was with a company called Circlepix as a customer service representative. They make circular digital images of mostly homes for realtors of the homes they are selling. He comes out in jean shorts and a polo shirt. No one dresses up anymore. When I told him I have a degree in Fashion Design, he suddenly became aware that he was more appropriately dressed to wash his car than to conduct business, let alone interviews. And he said this was a good day for him. I told him I would give him his score at the end of the interview. He came to one point where he asked me what my ideal job would be. I gave in and said I would like to do fashion design, but there really isn't an industry for it here. So, he mentions how the church has a film studio where I could get involved with the costume department. (I already contacted them the first time I moved to Provo, and they expected me to be able to volunteer my time, just like every other fashion/costume company.)

I wasn't there to get career counseling. It was apparent that he didn't think I was a good fit for the job, that or I was too professional in a very casual environment and he was trying to talk me out of wanting the job. He even tested me further by asking me to tell a joke. I have a sense of humor, but I am not a joke-teller. He pressed the request, saying every one knows a blonde joke or a Utah driver joke. Thanks to the 40 minutes that I spent waiting in the DMV, I remembered a joke that I read from their message board. "Utah drivers think that the speed limit in a school zone is how fast the kids can run."

He laughed. Well, I guess it wasn't too too lame. Are you quite finished yet?

The third interview was in Springville, where I have been thinking of moving because it is just past the congested trafic of the freeway, and because the rent is much lower there. The name of the company is InstaLink. I don't even know what they do there, but it has the feel of a warehouse or construction location and the office area is well, kinda dingy. The reception area isn't bad, but when he lead me upstairs, through a couple offices and into the conference room, I was not impressed. It was this long room that must have been designed to fit the huge table and nothing else. But the table had stuff strewn out all over it. Boxes and papers and internet cables. At least the interview was a piece of cake. He actually kept the questions to do with my ability to do the job.

My Dear Aunt Chris

2006-05-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

We learned on Saturday morning that my aunt Chris died that same morning. It was not a sudden death, as she has been bed-ridden for the last year from bone cancer. Still, she was young, in her 40s, I believe. She has a 13 year old daughter who will be having to move when the school year is over to go live with her father in Illinois.

My aunt developed an affinity for me shortly after meeting me. She was my only customer when I started my own web design and hosting business. The whole thing was a flop, but she didn't hold it against me. She took me antique shopping one time when I visited Heber City. I bought a pearl sweater clasp, just like I had been searching for. I think of her whenever I wear it. She also adored my son and hated my ex-husband. She told me one time how if she ever saw him that she would want to just punch his face in. Ha, gotta love her.

She was not a member of the church. She was raised Catholic and wanted to remain as such, but she did have great respect for them, especially the way the Relief Society continued to bring meals and help her out over the last year. She even asked my father for a Priesthood blessing a couple times.

We had a luncheon at my uncle's house as my brother and father had already planned to talk about a fishing or hunting trip they have coming up. Because Chris passed away the day before, her family was in town and joined us for lunch, along with a few other family members that stopped in.

Cinco de Mayo

2006-05-06T23:18:00.000-07:00

None of the three actual job interview have panned outu so far. I had another one today that I think I would really enjoy as an assistant to one of the four area presidents for an in home security company. My boss would be gone 50% of the time! Rock on! I will know by Monday on that one.

I have three more scheduled, one on Monday and two on Tuesday. I am beginning to think that I look better on paper than I do in person. I hope something comes of all these applications and interviews soon.

The BYU Swing Kids are making plans for a carpool to Denver. I wish I knew if I will have a job by then or not so I could make a decision on whether I could tag along with them or not.

I went to the Skillet for some swing dancing. There was a pretty good sized croud, not as many as last week, but still a good croud and most of them I knew. I danced to I think 8 songs. The best one was with Grant to Billy Holiday's "Comes Love...nothing can me done". We were dancing on the bench and around the posts and having a great time.

After the dancing the kids hung out and had pie to celebrate. I took off without having any pie, to stop in downtown Salt Lake for V's Cinco de Mayo party she invited me to. Wow, she is a social butterfly. She was so excited to share with me her idea to have a fashion shoot one day where I would come up with some fashions for her friends to model and she would do makeup and her other friends would do hair and shoot the photos. She was introducing me to every one as a fashion designer and then she would ask them if they wanted to model some of my fashions or help out in some way. She figured the people involved would benefit from it by having something to put into a portfolio.

I don't feel like I am worthy to call myself a fashion designer and I don't introduce myself as such. I might say that I am an aspiring fashion designer, but even espiring would indicate that I am actively working at becoming one. I haven't even turned on my sewing maching since we moved in January. All of my fabric and patterns are in boxes, up in the loft of the garage. The last creation I worked on was my wedding dress and that's only 15% complete, although granted it's the more difficult 15%. That might be impressive if I finished that and had some nice photos of it.

I wish I could jump up and start making fashions, but I have some other things that are needing my attention before I can take on that kind of project, like finding a job! There's always an excuse, isn't there? I hope some day, I will run out of them.

Lost An X and Gained a V

2006-05-06T22:29:00.001-07:00

I made an unexpeted friend recently and a not so surprising enemy.

It started when I sent what I intended to be an email of condolences to X last week. He has been having a hard time dealing with his brother's recent death. His brother has been dealing with drug problems for most of his life. X paid him a visit last summer because he knew that he wasn't doing well. When X found out that his brother was found dead in an abandoned building ten days after he died, X went into a deep depression.

I thought for some time about what I could say to him that might lift his spirits in even the smallest way. I could see that he was dealing with a lot of guilt. I decided to share with him my recent journey of leaving the church. I thought that maybe his choice to return to the church had brought back all his feelings of unworthiness and guilt, so I hoped that he could find a way to shed that.

Instead he was insulted. His response was, "I can't believe you tell are telling me now that you have left the church when that was one of the reasons that you left me." I thought we had an open relationship, but I guess it was only open as long as he thought that we would be getting back together.

A few days after I got his response, I got an email from his most recent ex-girlfriend. She is full of compliments and says she wants to get to know me because she noticed that we have a lot of similar interests, which is true. I'm open to meeting new people and my phone list of girlfriends is still pretty sparse, so I take her up for it. I asked if she has been to the new Sunday night swing dancing venue and I thought it would be a good place to meet some time. I also asked her if she would be willing to fill in some of the gaps for me in writing my book about X.

I found it strange that I got a response from X before I did from her regarding us meeting up. X asked me if it's true that we are going to meet and he goes on to say how she is unhealthy, and he does not want his son around her and that he had to call the cops on her two times and that she is out to turn every one against him.

When I replied to (her name will be ummm...let's just say V) V's next email I asked her why X already about what was said between us and why he would feel it necessary to warn me against her. She was hurt that he would say those things and explained that her and X are no longer speaking so our conversations will remain just between the two of us.

I got a second email from X, who I guess wasn't too happy that I still hadn't replied to his email. I was taking my time to reply because I knew that he was in a delicate state and what I wanted to tell him wasn't going to help that situation, so I was pndering how I could put it to him gently. From this email, it was obvious that he wasn't very concerned about my feelings because he said this. "You really are a piece of work now that you are Anti-Mormon! Enjoy the man you lust for. As for your book, it stops! Your drama...Good bye!"

Then he proceeded to block me so I could not reply. I sent a message to his personal email and said this...

[X],

Excuse me if I did not reply to your email as quickly as you expected. I was trying to think how to carefully tell you what I feel while also considering your feelings because I realize that you are fragile right now. But since you don’t feel it necessary to spare mine here it goes…

I regret sharing with you my recent experience. I thought that we had an open relationship, but I realize now that it was only open as long as you thought that I was going to get back together with you. I don’t know how else to explain to you that given the choice to make over again, I am not interested, and it has nothing to do with my parents. They would probably take that better than the news about my leaving the church.

I am still planning on writing the book with or without your help. I really hoped you would share your journal with me so that it could include your point of view, but I guess it will have to be left up to your friends to tell the story.

I did not tell you that I paid for your warrant in order to ask you for the money. I just couldn’t remember at the time you mentioned it whether I had paid it or not.

You really don’t know anything about my relationship with [Paul] for you to accuse me of lusting after him. You act as if there can be no love for either of us after the love we shared. I have healed and I am perfectly capable of loving and being loved. I hope you too can heal so that you can move on with your life.

Lastly, I hardly feel like I have any obligation to ask your permission when making a decision for the welfare of our son. You let us go several years ago and you have offered dang little support. Health insurance is a drop in the bucket compared to meeting his needs. Besides, I can get it from the state for free.

Trix

Conversely, V has been most open to answering my nosey questions about X to find out what he shared with her about his memory loss. She happened to know him while she was in High School and he was a substitute teacher for her art class. They even talked outside the class room and he gave her his number, but that's as far as it went. This was just before X and I met.

She is still dealing with getting over him a bit and I felt like there might be some things that I know about him that could help her out, so we have been taking turns. I even directed her to my blog, initially to read one that I read about X, but of course she can read whatever else may interest her.

What Is Left?

2006-04-30T22:47:00.000-07:00

After I got Guy ready and sent him off to church with my parents, I got myself ready and dressed as it I was going to church also. I left before my parents got back from church. As I was turning the corner onto the main street I saw the Bishop turning into the neighborhood on another member's motorcycle. He waved and I waved back. He really is a good man. I wonder how he will react when he finds out that I left the church. I hope to be long gone by then.

I headed in the direction of my church building, but I just drove on past it, towards the canyon. I considered going into the canyon, but turned west instead into Alpine. I found a neighborhood that sits up on a hill and laid back in my car to ponder and doze off.

I thought about what my next course should be. I still need to find a job before I can do anything. I can't afford to move out of state, which is what I want to do now. I need to save money, but I also need to get out of my parent's house. I have this desire to just run away, far away. My situation is getting a bit sticky.

I went to a supposed swing dancing party on Saturday night. BYU is having finals so there was no dance there, one of the dancers invited everyone to his place, but only 6 people showed including myself and the host, who fell asleep before I left at 11:30. While there and talking with them I was realizing that 80% of my swing dancing friends are Mormon. They and the other 20% already believe that I am Mormon too. I don't think I am ready to explain to my friends yet that I used to be Mormon. Particularly those that are. I am not ashamed of the fact, I just know their way of thinking and what their reaction might be, whether they say it out loud or not. I don't think they would be openly rude to me or anything, I am just not ready to be judged like that.

I remember the kinds of thoughts I had about people I know that left the church. I know several friends and family members who no longer go to church. My mother was raised in the church and she was the youngest and only girl out of 7 kids. Every one of them have been married in the temple. Only one became inactive after his divorce and moved in with a psycho-psychologist. We could all see that she was manipulating him. I have numerous cousins that have left one by one. Even one of the most promising of my cousins, who would not even come with myself and the same uncle that I just mentioned and his girlfriend because my cousin did not agree with his choice to be living in sin with his girlfriend. Ironically enough, she moved in with her college music instructor about a year ago.

It was examples like this that made me shake my head. When it is made known to me by my parents or other family that another member has become inactive. Not much explaination is given. It is assumed that they made the choice to put something else as more important in their lives than making it to the Celestial Kingdom. I honestly didn't have much respect for those that simply became "inactive". I felt like they were hypocrites. They believed one way, but chose to live another. The truth is I honestly don't know what lead them to make the choices they did, but when I see a few of them actually returning to the church many years later, it confirmes my belief that they still have a small testimony that the church is true.

This is why I strugled so badly with even considering giving up the church so that I could date Paul. I finally reached the point where I began to look outside the church for confirming or contradicting evidence because I did not want to have to accuse myself of also being a hypocrite. I easliy found enough evidence within my first day of searching to cause me to believe that the church is not true. My second dip had me up all night reading the story of a convert that later left the church to become Christian.

I really liked his story because he did not choose to leave the church so that he could justify his own selfish desires. He was married in the temple to his wife whom me loved, but he found that they were unhappy and began to wonder if it had to do with the church. He noticed some puzzle pieces out of place, like: his bizarre temple experience, the high divorce rate in Utah, a child that was born in the bathroom of Ricks College, the Ricks College faculty that was smuggling Coke in their break room while the students were offered only Caffeine free sodas, the various other churches that were formed from the supposed only true church, the way the Book of Mormon and other Mormon doctrine contradicts the Bible, why Blacks were not allowed to hold the Priesthood, polygamy, etc.

I did some more reading this afternoon. I read a couple of blogs. I followed some links and ended up at a site that told about the doctrine that they used to teach called the Blood Atonement. This was the idea that there were some sins that needed to be paid for by the person's own blood, suggesting that Christ's atonement was not good enough to cover such serious sins as adultry, apostasy, breaking one's covenenats, stealing, and lying.

I was in tears while reading the account of how one bishop castrated a young man because he refused to give up his bride-to-be to become the Bishop's wife, which was as he claimed the will of God. Apparently castration was a common practice among the church at that time.

Then I read up on the event known as the Mountain Meadow Massacre . I recal hearing something about this, but I brushed it asside figuring that they must have the story mixed up.
Not my church. Yes, indeed the Mormon church. I read an account of the one man who was used as a scapegoat by the church, whom was given the directions to carry out the task along with several other unnamed men.

I am still coping and trying to figure out what I do believe in.

"I Survived the Garage Sale With Frank"

2006-04-30T22:46:00.000-07:00

Frank has been so helpful and generous with trying to help me out while I am looking for work. He has made several trips down here to bring stuff for the garage sale and he helped out with the signs and he always brings food for me and something for Guy.

I hate to be ungrateful and maybe it's my pride that is getting the better of me because I feel like I owe him something when he does all these favors for me. I just can't hide anymore how annoyed I am by him. He makes bad judgment calls and he is always so wound up on Rockstars that he makes me tired just listening to him. Every piece of junk he pulled off his truck he wanted tell tell me it's history and describe how it should be repaired or polished to be made good as new, then he would try to convince me that I needed it.

Besides that he does not listen to me. I told him I was planning to start the garage sale Friday afternoon. He made plans to be here from 6 to 9. As we were setting up on Friday morning, he realizes that I want to start at noon, and explains that he has plans because he thought I wanted to start later. "When you said afternoon, I didn't know you meant one minute after." He tried to excuse himself. I suppose he thought that by saying "after noon" I meant 6 hours after.

Rather than setting up his stuff on Friday, he takes off to the hardware store to pick up some paint to begin making signs. he had about 15 boards that he planned to make signs of and scatter around the neighborhood. He wanted to bring them in from the freeway! I hate to be the one to always rain on his parade, but good grief!

I was on my own for Friday, but I gave him the money for anything of his that I sold. I made about $150 that afternoon and a funky sun burn on my ankles from my capris and on my arms from my t shirt.

Saturday morning we were to begin at 8. I was up awake at 7, up at 7:30. Frank knocked on the door at 8:05. When I opened the door he motioned to look at his watch, as if to say, "Why aren't the signs out yet and why are you still in the house? The party started 5 minutes ago!" Great, he's started with the Rockstars already.

He finished the signs he was making. He made sure to put our address on each one of them to that when the policeman found the signs all over the city (because he didn't collect them as he took off, like I asked him to) he would know just who to make the ticket out to for $35 per sign.
I about croaked when I came home from my interview on Monday and saw the neon Yard Sale sign he made from a For Sale sign, stuck right in the lawn of the city library! Who knew that Pleasant Grove has a city ordinance that requires the residents to register with the city to get permission to hold a yard sale and hang signs.

All day Saturday, I think he thought we were having a competition to see who's junk was more valuable than the other person's junk. He wasn't too happy when I told him I sold his bike trailer for $10. He planned to ask $150 for it. Oops, it never would have sold at that price, but he says he would have rather kept it.

He was quick to tell me to let it go when I realized that when I sold my hat and the box to a lady for $1! She asked what I wanted for the hat box. I told her $1 and I asked if she saw that there was a hat in it. She asked if it was ok. I figured she was wondering if was ok that she took the box without the hat, so I said yeah. It was my fault for not double checking, I must have been distracted by some one else that I didn't make sure she left the hat. *sigh* oh well. I had held on to it for long enough.

I began to wrap it up at 1pm. I could feel my arms burning again under the sun. I told Frank that I would be taking anything that he didn't want to try to sell at his sister's house in a couple weeks in a load to DI. So I asked him to tell me what he wants saved. He mentioned a few things, then gave me permission to do with the rest as I saw fit.

He called an hour later, after already trying to reach me 3 times since he left. He wanted to know exactly what I had taken and what I had saved. I was so irritated. Then he began about how I have been treating him. He trys to analyze my behavior, but the truth is I am simply annoyed by him. I am always anxious to get off the phone with him after listening to his long winded lectures and memoirs. And when I do hear my phone ring with the Pinapple Rag that I set, I want to kill my phone....He called at least four more times within the following hour or two.

Dancing With Guy

2006-04-30T14:34:00.000-07:00

After several weeks of no dancing for various reasons, I was set on going to the Skillet last Friday. As I was getting ready, Guy asked me if I was going dancing. I told him I was. He asked me if I could go with him. I told him I didn't know if they would allow kids there. He assured me that they like boys there. I tried to reason with him and I told him I would find out tonight if they would allow him to come next time.

I was hesitant because when I tried to take him to the MAC a few months ago, they informed me that they don't allow kids there. So, I didn't want to drive all the way up there for them to tell us that we can't come in like they did at the MAC.

To no avail. He was dead set on going with me. He kept saying how he just wants to watch me and how he would wait in the car for me to find out if he can come in and how he misses me when I go and I caved in. I had been wanting to take him with me anyway, just not especially that night because I knew I wouldn't get much dancing in and I hadn't been in some time. Opportunity presented it's self, so I figured I would take him with me.

I left at my usual tardy time, almost 10. I'm actually surprised he didn't fall asleep before we got there after the 30 minute drive. They were totally cool with having him there. It was no problem. Guy was pretty shy, but he got a friendly greeting from Raymond, (the non-member I started dating when I first moved out here, who is now engaged). He gave him a nice low five. (He barely says Hi to me anymore, I'm glad he was friendly with Guy.)

Guy was having a pretty good time watching the dancers and sitting on Mommy's lap and playing rock the boat by leaning to and frow. Of course no one was asking me to dance with Guy on my lap, so I asked [Tim], who was standing near by. He isn't my favorite person to dance with. He used to ask me when I first started coming out again, but I would never ask him, so now he hasn't aske me in a while either. At any rate, I was desperate and needed to get a dance in. He isn't a terrible dancer, just has a hard time finding the beat occasionally. I was cracking up because he lead some charlston move and somehow my impulse was to do a deep knee bend as if I was blues dancing. He scoffed. I guess it's been that long.

The room filled up quickly. I saw a whole gang of new people there and several other that I know, but have never seen at that venue. Guy wanted to go after a short while. I convinced him to stay a little longer, but I didn't get any more dancing in.

We headed home, but not without an emergency stop at a grocery store so Guy could go potty and to get an almost-midnight-after-dancing-keep-mommy-awake-snack.

Your Comments

2006-04-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

I just now discovered the "Moderate comments" tab. I clicked and found and approved the comments that have been left since I have been back. They made some improvements in the security of the comments so that I have to approve them before they are posted. I am glad they finally made the change because I was really annoyed at the few advertisements I was getting in my comments. Some people have no shame.

Anyway, I wanted to say Thank You for your comments. I know I am probably breaking the hearts of some of my LDS readers, but I have no appologies. It's amazing how the stress, guilt, depression, frustration, and pressure have all vanished. I no longer feel the urgency to be rescued from my imaginary tower by a priesthood holder who will take me to the temple, and be sealed to Guy. I can live my life in the present...right here, right now...because that's when it's happening and I have been letting it slip away while reaching for something that I cannot control.

My Coming Out

2006-04-27T22:51:00.000-07:00

Sunday night, I began researching some Art colleges. I had LA in my mind because they have both fashion and swing dancing! I requested some information from several colleges, as well as sent out a dozen more resumes.

Monday I got two phone calls from AIU following up on my request for more info about their Fashion Design and Merchandising BA degree program. I found it hard to answer their questions about when I would be prepared to attend school there because at present, I don't even have a job, let alone enough money to up and move to another state.

The second person I spoke with called me back the next day, as scheduled and we talked more about what my career plans are and my committment level, etc. When he begand talking about moving to LA, he could sense that I was a bit uncertain if and when I would be able to do that. He was coaxing me and told me how he moved there with only $200 in his pocket. I told him it would be different if it were just me, but I have a son that I am responsible for also, so I can't take such a risk as that. He understood and when he told me not be scared, I realized just how scared I was and it triggerd me to start crying. I tried to hide it, but couldn't for long. Then I tried to explain that there is much more going on in my life right now than my decision to go back to school. He seemed interested so I shared with him how I have been a Mormon and just recently decided to leave the church and I haven't told my parents yet because I know they will not take it well.

He was taken in. He had such empathy for me because, as he confessed he is gay and had to go through something similar with his conservative parents. He shared how he even had to have a guidance counselor to help him know how to be himself. He called this my "Coming Out" story.

He took me on as his own little project. He encouraged me to get out of my parents house and to make it my goal to work and save some money until the semester starts in September of this year so I can move to LA to follow my dream to become a Fashion Designer!

He said he would call me a couple times a month to follow up with me to see how I am progressing. He suggested I go to Apple One and gave me till the end of the week to do that. I had already planned on it, so I set up an appointment for the following day and applied online.

Nice to Meet You, Trixie. My Name is Trixie

2006-04-23T14:21:00.000-07:00

It feels like so much more time has passed than only a few days since my "awakening". Today was the first Sunday since my decision to not return to church. I find myself having feelings of anxiety about my parents finding out about my recent change of heart. I knew I would not be going to church again, but I had to appear as though I was. Thankfully, I started attending the YA Ward, so I don't won't have to go come up with an excuse as to why I am not going with them to the family ward.

Instead of going to church when I left the house in a skirt and my scripture bag. I drove to the trail heads a few blocks away and hiked the short distance to the water storage unit. It is burried and covered with a cement top. I had to hold up my skirt to lift myselt up to it. I didn't remember the bench being there when I was there for the first time with my dad and Guy last week, but there it was for me to sprawl out on. I brought my scriptures and the Bible that I bought at the Dollar Tree last week that I planned to read from while in my solitude. I began with a prayer. It has been some time since I have said a sincere prayer. I thanked God for sending certain people into my life recently to direct me to the truth. I said how I want to get to know Him better. I asked Him to guide me as to what I needed to do next. I was quiet and still, for some time, but no answer came, so I turned to reading the Bible starting in Genesis.

The passages were familiar, yet strange. And I don't mean strangely familiar, because I knew exactly where I had heard them many times before. This time as I read them, they just seemed so far fetched to me. Perhaps I am just in a state of disbelief of everything. I'm not sure still where I stand with my relationship with God or Jesus Christ right now. I am still working on a relationship with Him.

I read as far as when Noah and his family were finally able to come out of the stinky, smelly, cramped arc after 7 months. I always remembered the story to be that it rained for 40 days and 40 nights. Well it did rain for that long, but then it took another several months for the water to run off or dry up before they found dry land. After learning from the petting farm yesterday that a horse will eat up to 2 tons of food each month! it seemed highly unlikely that they would possibly be able to store enough food for all the animals in the World for seven month on that little arc. I remembered one year in seminary we measured out on the church parking lot the measurements of the arc and it just seemed pretty far fetched to me.

It was getting a bit breezy up there so I headed back to my car. I still had an hour before church would get out so I couldn't go home yet. I just started driving. I found myself taking Geneva Road south toards Provo. The radio was playing some songs that really hit home to me. Then one mentioned dancing and I broke down a bit. Oh, how I miss dancing. There was not swing dancing at either venue last weekend. They have really dwindled in just the year since I moved here. I realized I need to be doing more dancing, even if that meant moving to another state where there is a larger scene or taking up a tap class....something, anything....I just need to dance!

I also remembered that I once wanted to be a fashion designer, but I gave up on that dream to be as Paul puts it a "good Mormon". Now I am free to be whatever I want to be. Now is my chance to break out of this shell and learn to be comfortable in my own skin.

Garage Sale

2006-04-23T14:20:00.000-07:00

I held a garage sale on Saturday. Most of it was stuff that Frank brought down from his friend's parents' house. They are moving back to Florida. I contributed some of my own stuff too. I even parted with Guy's toddler Radio Flyer Car and the 50's buggy that he slept in.

We had a pretty steady stream of customers. Frank made some signs to help draw in the customers. We sold about 10 boxes of books, all of Guy's 2T clothes I put out got snached up and some maternity clothes and some men's suits, dress shirts and coats...and so much more. I tried to sell things off for cheap. I knew it would be better get rid of it than risk them becoming not interested and ending up having to keep it.

I think Frank was seeing dollar signs and I think he hoped that I would make enough for him to get a piece of the goods. I understood that he was doing me a favor. I actually lied to him about how much money I brought in. I made $380 total and I told him I made over $200. Well, considering after having to pay my speeding ticket of $227, I only had $150 left. Minus $50 to my parents for the reinstatement for the medical terminology course, that leaves me with $100 to buy Guy a pair of shoes, myself some underwear ;) and a few groceries.

Monday, I decided that I would have another garage sale this weekend. Then I got a call from Frank and he said he was planning on hauling the leftover stuff away and having a "real" yard sale. I suggested we make a joint effort where he can sell of the rest of the stuff that he contributed and I can pull out more stuff from my stash to sell and we could keep the profits from our own belongings.

My Hidden Excitement

2006-04-22T03:13:00.000-07:00

I am still adjusting to my newfound mental and spiritual freedom. I have to hold back in many ways from showing or speaking about what I am feeling because I am still afraid to let on to my parents that I am planning to leave the church. I imagine myself with my head pearing out of the frosted dome that I have been living in with the other members of the church. I can't share with them what I am seeing because I know they will refuse to look up and see what I see. Occasionally, I have to put my head back in and pretend that I didn't see anything.

I make reality checks with myself..."Do I still believe this...? no, and it feels right to me. I can't do that...wait, yes I can."

I have come to the point where I want to warn my family of the adverse affects of the church and enlighten them to the falsities. As I suspected, for the first time, I told an active-member friend that I am leaving the church, he felt an obligation to testify and convince me otherwise. He told me that Satan has a hold on me. He told me that I have been tricked because I am in a moment of weakness and unworthiness. He told me that I must have faith. I imagine I will be hearing those kinds of comments several more times in the near future. They did not phase me, only annoyed me.

Truthfully, I am really looking forward to buying my first pair of sexy underwear!

A Greater Conviction

2006-04-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

I was up until 5 am reading a book online written by a former member of the church that tells about his conversion to Mormonism and then to Christianity....the contraditions between the Book of Mormon and the Bible.

Some of the subjects I read up on were: the symbols on the temple, the contradictions of Joseph Smith's testimony regarding what and who he saw and when, the rituals practiced with the Freemason Cult, the errors in the Book of Mormon and it's contradictions to the Bible, the 4,000 revisions and the forgery of the excerpts from the Bible.

I went to bed with an even stronger testimony that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is NOT true.

The next morning I realized that I couldn't relying on Paul to rescue me from having to relay my discovery to my parents. I decided that I would move out on my own as soon as I was able. I had a job interview this morning for a full time job with a temporary employment agency. If I get the job, I will work towards that goal of moving out within the next month.

I Have Chosen A New Path

2006-04-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

The following is an email in response to my old boyfriend that I contacted recently...

I have had some puzzling experiences lately concerning answers to prayers. I must make up the answers in my head, I guess, because they don't seem to be inspired.

I also don't feel like a loving Father in Heaven would disallow me to enter heaven because I cannot find a man to marry me in the temple.

I have been doing some reading about the history of the church and regarding the authenticity of the Book of Mormon and the ordinances within the Temple. I have come to the conclusion that Joseph Smith was a scam artist. There is no physical evidence that the stories in the Book of Mormon ever took place, although there has been sufficient archeological research. There are portions of the Temple endowment that have been removed before I ever entered, that are all together frightening and they came from the rituals exercised among the Masons of which Joseph Smith was a member.

I have lost my testimony in the LDS church. I still believe in Christ and I hope to find a way to keep that faith and worship him in a way that would be pleasing to him.

I am going to continue to see Patrick (Paul) and I am hopefull that it can be a long term relationship. If that does not work out, I don't know...I will cross that bridge when I get to it, but I cannot go back to church knowing what I know now. Although he may be a motive in my searching, I want to make it clear that he never encouraged me to question the church or make this decision, because I have done this on my own accord.

I have not found the courage to tell my parents yet. It may take me some time. I am still coming to terms with it myself. I do not expect this choice to make my life easier. It will, in fact complicate it considerably more than it already is. This is why I hesitated even considering taking such a step.

The Veil of Ignorance Has Been Lifted

2006-04-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

I reached a turning point today. Yesterday, Paul informed me that he was planning to go on a date with a girl that he knows who has been interested in him in some time. He has been putting off going out with her because he was still hopefull that I would change my mind. We kept saying good-bye, but never letting go. He had finally given up waiting and decided that he needed to start dating again so that he can move on.

I should have expected as much. I think I took him for granted because I thought he would always be there for me to fall back on. I was feeling obligated to give a relationship with Superman a good try. I half way figured when he found out that I am not "worthy" that he would want nothing to do with me. That would be my last attempt to find a member to date, then I would be ready to date Paul more seriously.

I knew I could not ask Paul to wait for me and I would not even be able to go on a real date with Superman until June. I realized I needed to make a choice before then.

The only thing holding me back from going full speed ahead with Paul was the idea of a temple marriage. I still clung to that goal. So, I began to ask within myself, "What if there is no Temple Marriage?" "What if the Book of Mormon is not true?"

I admit that Paul was my motivation to begin my search, but I needed some answers to confirm or disprove my faith. I did a search on google under "mormon". I clicked on any links that were not official church websites or dating sites.

The first site I went to showed a video that disproved that the events in the Book of Mormon ever existed; geographically and archeologically. Not to mention that the language it was supposedly written in never existed. I will go into more detail about each of the sites I visited in another post.

Next I found a site that told about the changes in the "sacred" temple ordinances. It told about the punishments that were removed from the endowment cerimony in 1990, ten years before I ever entered. I was sickoned by what I was reading. They shared how the keys etc. came from the Freemason Cult, of which Joseph Smith was a member of.

My heart was breaking as I was staring at the screen, discovering that the things that I had been taugh since I was born was a lie. My goals came shattering down in front of me.

I look at the World and the people around me in a whole new light. I feel like Truman as in the Movie with Jim Carrey, The Truman Show, when he begins to question the World as he knows it and he starts searches for answers. He begins to recognize flaws in the events in his life and he ventures out in search for the truth.

It was so easy to discover the truth, it was only a few clicks of a button away. We are so scared as members to even question the doctrine that we are taught. We run the risk of having our temple recommends taken away if they should discover that we are questioning our faith by looking into other religions or any anti-mormon literature. I have always shrugged off any negative comments made by others, feeling sure in my faith.

I was and still am nervous about the impact my new knowledge will have on my life with my family and my future. I know they will not take it well. They could conceivably ask me to leave the house. I would prefer to be out of the house before I let on about it. That way I will not have to be under their rule and constantly judged and questioned by them.

I was using Paul as an escape from having to deal with it. I figured I could keep it a secret long enough from my parents until the moment before I moved to Austin to be with Paul.

Losing My Religion

2006-04-18T23:32:00.000-07:00

The following is an email in response to my old boyfriend that I contacted recently...

I have had some puzzling experiences lately concerning answers to prayers. I must make up the answers in my head, I guess, because they don't seem to be inspired.

I also don't feel like a loving Father in Heaven would disallow me to enter heaven because I cannot find a man to marry me in the temple.

I have been doing some reading about the history of the church and regarding the authenticity of the Book of Mormon and the ordinances within the Temple. I have come to the conclusion that Joseph Smith was a scam artist. There is no physical evidence that the stories in the Book of Mormon ever took place, although there has been sufficient archeological research. There are portions of the Temple endowment that have been removed before I ever entered, that are all together frightening and they came from the rituals exercised among the Masons of which Joseph Smith was a member.

I have lost my testimony in the LDS church. I still believe in Christ and I hope to find a way to keep that faith and worship him in a way that would be pleasing to him.

I am going to continue to see [Paul] and I am hopefull that it can be a long term relationship. If that does not work out, I don't know...I will cross that bridge when I get to it, but I cannot go back to church knowing what I know now. Although he may be a motive in my searching, I want to make it clear that he never encouraged me to question the church or make this decision, because I have done this on my own accord.

I have not found the courage to tell my parents yet. It may take me some time. I am still coming to terms with it myself. I do not expect this choice to make my life easier. It will, in fact complicate it considerably more than it already is. This is why I hesitated even considering taking such a step.

A New Love From an Old Love

2006-04-18T21:28:00.000-07:00

I ran into an old boyfriend from highschool on a networking website. I just sent him a quick not saying Hi. He was very surprised that I would even speak to him.

We went on our first date before I was quite 16 (it is strongly advised that kids refrain from dating until they are 16 and even then group dates are encouraged), but I was able to go because my parents were out of town, so they didn't know about it. We dated for several months then my parents found out about some of his dealings and they forbade me to see him. I continued to sneak over to friends houses and school functions in order to see him without telling my parents. I remember one day he and my friend walked from Folsom High School all the way to Bella Vista, in Fair Oaks, to come visit my friends and I.

So, we got to talking and I shared with him what I have been going through lately about my feelings towards the church. He told me some things that I really needed to hear. That I don't hear when I go to church. He joined the church as a youth, but he has not been attending for the last few years because of the way people treated him.

I want to share part of one of the letters he sent:

.........I would think that you have always and probably will always struggle a little when searching for people that have much in common with you. I know that I have a terrible time finding people with things in common, but I'm very fortunate in the fact that I don't really care anymore. It doesn't matter to me if there is anyone else dancing to the music that I'm listening to....

.... Something for you to understand is that you are not perfect...i know i know it's hard to believe but you aren't. What's even harder to believe is that that is okay. Something I was always so worried that you would lose sight of is the fact that your relationship with your heavenly father is simply that. It's YOUR relationship with your Heavenly Father. Your parents, your brother your friends approval or disapproval does nothing to affect his opinion of you or that relationship. We learned that Christ died for our sins a long time ago, and everything that you are dealing with has already been paid for, there is no benefit in berrating yourself, flogging yourself, or even blogging yourself into a pulp because you made a mistake. You were supposed to make those mistakes, you were supposed to fail, you were supposed to come to this earth and be human and so far you are doing a fantastic job.

You cannot lose your standing in the church, if you understand that what makes up the church is your relationship with God. It is not up to the bishopric to decided who is worthy or unworthy of anything, it is up to you to decide what is right and what is wrong.

There is no one's love in this world that you are unworthy of. I can tell you right now though that based on your life with your parents you believe that you are unworthy of a lot. Get over it. Understand once and for all that there is nothing you can do about yesterday, there is nothing you can do about anything that has happened before the exact nanosecond you are existing in. Based on that knowledge you have a choice. You can chose to spend the next precious moments of your life wallowing in something which will do absolutely nothing, or you can decide to live life the best way you know how as a human.

.....The only thing that will truly prevent you from being happy is your own unwillingness to forgive yourself the way the God you worship already has, and allow love into your life which is all Heavenly Father really wants for you anyways.

It felt so good to hear some loving words of encouragement. It is true that I am very hard on myself. I get a lot of pressure from my parents to do what is "right" so that I can be "worthy" of the blessings the Lord has for me (ie: a man take me to the temple and support me).

Easter With Superman

2006-04-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

I got up on Sunday about the time I should have been leaving to go to church. Every one else trickled out the door as I began an attempt to make some Hot Cross Buns, as I traditionally do for Easter, ever since my mission and Sister Heslip made the most delicious buns that they toasted with butter and poured maple syrup over. I got the recipe from her, but I have never been sucessful at making them as good as hers.

This time I planned to use some bread mix that Kari gave me that had a recipe on the package for Hot Cross Buns. I think I foiled it right from the start when I followed the directions that said to mix the yeast with the dough and then add the hot water. I think the hot water changed the mix and caused it to not rise. Another batch gone wrong.

Superman was scheduled to come at One o' clock. I scurried around making some finishing touches towards tidying the house. Guy went outside with Grandpa to use his new bouncing ball. I was just finished getting ready when my brother made the announcement that HE is here. Everyone else got to him before I came out. Boy, were the eyes on us.

I greeted him and shook his hand. He met Guy and my parents. He was pretty friendly with Guy, but he was acting shy like he always does at first. He asked Guy if he could trade eyes with him and he complimented me on my outfit. Superman talked to my dad about the Real Estate market while Guy did his ritualistic show-and-tell of his toys. I sat close by and payed some interest to Guy and listened in on the conversation between Superman and my father.

We sat next to each other at the dinner table. He was expecting my mother to serve everyone because that is the custom in Ecuador. He must have been disappointed when I asked him to pass the salad. Hehe.

I was feeling pretty shy. It was a situation I have never been in. One, I have never been set up in this way. Two, I have never seen my family so interested in a suitor for me that actually came to dinner at our house. Three, they were actually talking me up, quite blatently.

They all took turns asking him questions about himself. Most of which I already knew the answers to after chatting with him. He shared his conversion story with us, and I could see the excitement in their eyes because of his strong convictions and feelings about the church. He told how he grew up in the Caltholic faith and he was very active in the youth program there. Even so that he would go around to other Catholic services and preach to or lead in some way in the activities of the youth. At some point when he was 18 years old, he found that there were some questions that the Catholic church either skimmed over or could not answer to his satisfaction. He said that he began to search for the answers to his questions in other faiths. This is what brought the Mormon Missionaries to his door. He asked them his questions before they began the discussions. He was satisfied with their answers and so they began with the discussions. On the Second discussion they showed him a picture of the Temple. He was so impressed with it that he set his own baptismal date for the following Sunday so that he could enter the Temple in one year from that date. Immediately after he became a member, they called him to be a counselor in the Young Men's program. Only two weeks after than, the Young Men's President was called to be the Bishop and subsequently, he was called to be the YM President, only two weeks after being baptized! He made grand efforts to reactivate the youth in the ward and bringing other youth to the church. When he joined the church he also set a goal to go on a mission and he earned and saved the money that he needed to do so. He served amond his native people. My family was grinning from ear to ear. Superman appeared calm, yet enthusiastic as he spoke. But still, there were times that I could sense his subtle quivering of nervousness.

Then my father mentions how I was an excellent missionary and actually baptized several people into the church. I interjected, "Well, not personally." Then they bragged about how I was a traveling sister and I was priveliged to attend the meetings with the Zone Leaders. And how my mission President wanted to keep me there. I was not used to hearing such praise.

When my mother served her Heber City Carrot Cake, the subject turned to food. Superman mentioned that he enjoys cooking, but that he hasn't got the hang of baking. Almost all at once, they began telling him how great of a baker I am. They even went as far as to say that I should make a cookbook. I hardly think I am up for such a task. I only have a few favorite recipies that I like to make. Kari told him about when I used to send them carfefully decorated sugar cookies in the mail for the holidays and how they used to devour them. I'm sure I was blushing by then.

He had an activity with his ward that he was obligated to attend, so he didn't stay long after dinner. My mom sent some carrot cake with him and suggested we give him some of the Hot Cross Buns I made. I was reluctant. I had tasted one earlier and figured they were not worth the calories. Kari helped make excuses for me as to why there not very good, (after she had just boasted about my baking skills). She blamed it on the old mix that she gave me. Regardless, we put a few in a bag for him, so he could throw them away in his garbage can as I did a few days later with the remainder of the buns.

He thanked every one and said good-bye. I walked him to his car. He commented again about my outfit and said that it reminds him of what they might wear in the a Latin country because of the bright colors and also by my jewelery. I had on a bright green blowse and my black hipster pants, and a new green necklace and dangly earrings. Now, I finally had something to say. I told him that my wardrobe is influenced by many styles, eras and cultures. He suggested that we go salsa dancing some time. I agreed. He explained that he won't be able to go out again for a while because he will be having company the following weekend and then he will be gone for the next month for business. So, it won't be until June that he will be available again.

We told each other how it was nice to meet the other in person and he went on his way.

My family was pretty pleased with themselves with how well it all went. Personally, I felt awkward, embarassed and put on display. I was even feeling a bit intimidated. I could see my family had high hopes for us. What a new sensation it was for my family to be excited about the me seeing some one. It was only one date. I still hardly felt like I got to know him. The two of us barely spoke to each other.

It was way too soon for me to assess my feelings for him. He was handsome, to be sure. He is charming, intelligent, spiritual-including regular temple attendance, responsible, steady, confident, and slightly humorous (perhaps more so under less of a pressured situation), not to mention that he dances-still to be determined how well, but interested none-the-less. He is all the things that I ever thought I wanted, yet so far from the type of guy that I am accustomed to dating.

The Perfect Set-up

2006-04-15T22:25:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, my brother attended a missionary reunion for his mission to Ecuador. It was important for him to attend this one because it could possibly be the lat time his mission president would be able to attend. I guess he’s getting up there in age and doesn’t feel like he will be able to travel here for the reunions any more. Kari kept begging him to not go because she hates having to explain to all the RMs and their wives why they don’t have any children yet and that they are both still going to school.

They went in spite of her pleading. Aaron met up with one of the RMs who was a native to Ecuador and who now lives in Salt Lake. They did not serve together, but they knew each other through companions that served with the other. They were discussing Temple attendance, which was probably spawned by the mission president’s comments about his experiences as a Temple President for many years. We shall call this RM Oliver. He shared how he and his girlfriend at the time used to attend the temple every week. But when they broke up, he found it difficult to go alone, but he still attends about once a month.

I must say that I agree with him. It is very humbling to attend the temple as a single person. I generally go on my own, instead of with a ward or group. The few times that I have gone with a Young Adult Ward, it seems that I wasn’t as self conscious. But, even so, there is a constant marital thread throughout the Temple ceremonies.

Kari thought of me as they were talking and she totally talked me up to him. She told him and I am hot and that I am an amazing dancer, etc. He became interested and they all decided that they would arrange for us to meet. He gave them his email address and phone number to give to me. Aaron and Kari were so excited to tell me about him that they called me from their cell phone as they were leaving to tell me about him.

When they got home they shared with me a picture of him that they took secretly with their cell phone. From what I could tell, he seemed handsome. Kari assured me that he is haute. They went on to tell me how he likes to salsa dance and he works in accounting and he almost just bought a house, etc.

So, of course I am interested to find out what he is about. Sunday morning everyone was asking me if I have contacted him yet. Was I supposed to call him in the night or something? No, of course I hadn’t contacted him yet. But, I had already taken a picture of myself when I got home from church because people keep telling me that my pictures don’t do me justice or that they make me look old. I didn’t realize they were so bad, so I just took something different hoping they might look half way decent. Everyone just calm down. So, I sent him an email including my best new picture, first thing after lunch and added him to my contacts on yahoo. He came on for a few minutes. We chatted just long enough to say hello, good bye. He has to wake up early in the morning, but he promised he would be on the next evening when he got home from the gym.

I found out quite a bit about him from chatting with him. And everything impressed me. I learned that he converted to the church when he was 18, then served a mission at 19. He is the only convert in his family. He has lived in about 6 other countries and he likes America the best. He has written 4 books. He can spell. He has a good job. He loves kids. I told him that I have been married before and he asked if I have any kids. I told him one and he asked how old. He seemed pretty enthusiastic about my having a son and made a comment about what a fun age three is, then said but all the ages are fun.

He told me that he wants to serve another mission and that he wants to be a Temple President. He was telling me that he is looking for a semi-large house on some nice property with a creek running through it. He says the reason he is looking for a house is because he has qualified to become a Foster Father, except that he will need to be in a house to do so. He said he has wanted to have 13 kids, but he feels it is too late now so he wants to be a foster parent and adopt.

I was continually impressed and I told him so. His response was that he is not telling me these things to impress me. I could tell that because it was only with my asking that he gave me more thorough answers. I got personal and asked him about any girlfriends in the picture or in his case, why there weren’t any. He told me how he was in love with this girl several years ago. When it didn’t work out, he was heart-broken for three years. He is only recently starting to date again, but even so he doesn’t do much of it. Compared to myself who just broke up with my fiancé two months ago and have been on I think 6 dates already, I felt a little cold-hearted.

I asked him what he is looking for. He went on with something about having some one that is a friend, that he can be open and honest with, etc. I regret that I don’t remember more specifically what he said because he said it very eloquently. I think I just brushed it aside thinking, eh yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.

Then he asked me what I am looking for. I told him I am having a hard time find just an active member of the church who has a job, a car, and can speak English…then to top it off with my undying love of dancing. I will be doing good to find just those qualities. He found this pretty amusing and told me that I am funny. I laughed with him, but I told him I wished I was joking.

He became conscientious of his spelling after I said that. I assured him that he had already passed that test. I told him how amazed I was how some American’s can get through High School, some even college and still have bad grammar. Kari says that one can hardly detect his accent either.

So, basically he seems like Superman to me. I was waiting for him to ask me out, and Aaron and Kari kept asking if he had yet too. They suggested inviting him over to dinner some time for us to meet. I told them I would prefer to meet with him one on one because I didn’t want to have the pressure of the family while trying to make a first impression. They seemed to understand, but Aaron felt that he might have been waiting for him to set something up for us, per their conversation at the reunion and also knowing the Ecuadorian custom of the man asking the permission of the father to date the daughter. So he takes the liberty of inviting him to spend Easter Sunday with us. I guess I’ll be going along with that now.

Tomorrow is Easter and I feel like I have been trying to get my life in order in one day. Aside from walking to the church with Guy for a little Easter Egg Hunt, I have been working around the house all day…putting the frame under Guy’s new bed mattress, cleaning up the mess I made getting the frame down in the garage loft when the florescent light fixture slid down from the top and the bulbs shattered all over the floor, changing and washing Guy’s comforter and sheets and cleaning the wall from the pink salt water taffy that he was hiding in his bed and spit out because it was too hot that stuck be between his comforter and the wall, washing and putting away about 5 loads of laundry, trying to stash the boxes of about 200 car magazines in the play room that I have been posting, cleaning the bathroom (including hanging the clock and pictures that have been sitting on the shelf in there since we moved in), filing papers in the filing cabinet that we picked up after the egg hunt, coloring Easter eggs, filling eggs with candy. If only there was one other item of business that I could correct in a few hours.

I kind of feel like this is my last shot at finding a member of the church to marry and I also feel like I have already spoiled my chances. I don’t want start out a relationship by keeping secrets, yet there’s one that I would rather not tell him.

I guess we will see what tomorrow brings…

Visiting Hours Are Over

2006-04-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

X and I agreed that Guy could visit with him for a few days now that he is in his new place. I told him that I might bring him up on Sunday night. That didn't work out for me, so I figured I would bring him on Monday morning. I finally got myself and Guy ready about 11. I didn't have any way to contact X because he still doesn't have a phone in his new place yet. So I took a chance and headed on up there so I could concentrate on the transcribing.

I found his appartment from the directions that he left for me on my phone with the last few minutes of his phone card. I knocked, but no answer. I tried a few more times and nothing. I left him a note by his door in the convenient little clips they have nailed in the wall. I figured we would go get some lunch then try again later. Still no answer. So we went across the street to the playground for another 30 minutes and tried one more time to reach X. No luck, so we started out on our 50 minute drive back home. I felt like it was a wasted day.

General Conference

2006-04-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

My mother was given six tickets from the Bishop in exchange for giving a talk in Sacrament meeting. I have never been to General Conference before and I looked forward to going. Our tickets were for the morning-session on Sunday. My mother prepared a pic-nic lunch that we took with us to have after conference.

The traffic was pretty crazy getting to temple square. They were well organized though, even prepared for the Anti-Mormon demonstrations. There were policemen directing traffic and pedestrians. The demonstrators were shouting at all the people going to and from the conference center. Making such claims that we are vain and we need to give our hands to service to the Lord, etc. Umm, hello....we do.

We get to the door to enter and we are giving them our tickets and when they see Guy they ask him how old he is. Then they explain to us that they do not allow children under the age of 8 to sit in the conference center durring Conference and they kindly point out on the back of the ticket where it states this rule. So they tell me that they will have to escort Guy and I to the overflow theatre. Oh, great. It didn't even occur to me that he would not be able to behave through the two hours of the meeting.

I was actually glad to be alone durring one talk in particular. It was directed towards those who are feeling broken and discouraged. I was in tears durring the talk, because that is exactly how I was feeling. Guy fell asleep on my lap 30 minutes into the meeting. He was still sleeping when my mother and brother came up to me and offered to stay with Guy for me while I went in to the Conference Center. That was so thoughtful of them.

I went to the side door to try to get into the meeting. I had my ticket with me and I explained to the man at the door why I was entering so late. He couldn't comprehend how I would know where to go or how I could find a seat. He's standing there holding the door cracked only enough for him to stand in, looking dumfounded saying he's not supposed to let anyone in through that door, etc. I was patient, but not in the mood to argue with him so, I began to turn around and go back to where I came from. Then he calls to me, "wait, so are you with a group?" "Yes." I tell him. "Well, let me see your ticket, come on in."

I found my way to where my dad and Kari were sitting. I got there just a few minutes before President Hinkley's turn to speak. He's such a marvelous man. Hearing him talk about how he misses his wife was sweet. I loved that he spoke on such a personal level.

After Conference, we chose to go to Liberty Park for our pic-nic. We had tuna sandwiches. Then we all enjoyed watching Guy play on the playground. Aaron and I had played challenger on the see-saw. We even took some pictures, which I may post later.

I told Frank Saturday that I might be able to meet up with him Sunday evening, but I crashed when we got home and I didn't wake up until 5, so I didn't have time to meet up with him and I didn't bother to call either.

He called me Tuesday seeking closure in our relationship. He had a conversation with his sister and he mentioned that he had given me some money. They concluded that I would need to pay him back in order for him to obtain that closure. I told him I would, but I knew it wouldn't be possible right away. Frank was not aware of the new situation with my father and that my parents were now asking me for rent. When I finally shared this with him, he felt badly for asking for the money back. It's not as if I asked him for a loan. He wanted to do me a favor, so he offered it to me without any strings attached. He was satisfied in knowing that I was willing to pay it back, then told me I do not need to unless I want to or am able to in the future. Gesh!

It Ain't Over Til It's Over

2006-04-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

Although I have tried to break up with Paul a few times, we still haven't managed to stop chatting with each other. It's like my relationship with Utah. I try to stay away, but I keep ending up here.

Well, Paul decided to take the iniciative to make it final. He told me there was a possibility that he could come see me last weekend, but he did not find out what his plans were for work until Thursday. I didn't hear much from him durring the day and he fell asleep before I called him back that night. I still did not know if he was planning to come or not and he was not answering his phone. Eventually I assumed he wasn't.

He finally called Saturday evening. He didn't realize that he had left me in the dark about visiting and he apologized to me for not filling me in. We talked about the joys of parents, which we don't usually talk about much over the phone. I was getting the impression that he was having feelings of dismay with the way he was trying to keep the conversation casual and the way I hadn't heard from him much in the past couple days.

My impression was right. I got an email from him on Sunday expressing some concerns in our relationship. He felt like my beliefs and lifestyle were too different from the direction that he would like to see our relationship go. He was concerned that I would be unhappy if I strayed too far from my current faith.

This was also my concern and I had expressed it several times, but hearing him say it was like hitting a brick wall. I saw it coming and I was trying to stop myself, then I tried to swerve around it. To no avail, I hit it going full speed.

I toughened up and took it well. It was like a relief even. We haven't talked on the phone since and we don't chat late at night and for a while we didn't chat much either.

We still miss each other and we are chatting a little more in the day again. I am still torn about what to do.

You Want to Know Why? I'll Tell You Why...

2006-04-08T00:59:00.000-07:00

X calls from time to time to check up on guy and I. He even shared with me how his Bishop's interview went. For a while I thought I could use his help with watching Guy. Knowing that I no longer had daycare benefits, I figured he could do me the favor of watching him a couple days of the week for me.

I left Guy with him one day and he was fine, as I knew he would be. Then X moved and he does not have a phone now, but he has called from work occasionally. One time I was talking to Paul in the wee hours of the morning and I get another call coming through. I didn't know who it was because X uses a calling card, so it's a different # each time. I figured I better see who it was. It was X. He didn't expect me to answer, but he felt the urge to call me to tell me about the experience he just had at work. He works the grave yard shift in a bodily waste disposal, and I don't mean a sewer plant. They actually incinerate bodies/body parts, human and animal. It is a grim job, but one adjusts, or something.

He told me how he became disturbed when down the conveyer belt, in a crate came a dead baby. It tore him up inside to think about how a little life was wasted. It humbled him, when he thought about the way he broke up our family.

He appologized for calling so late and let me go. He called the next day and appologized again. Then he told me how he continues to think about us getting back together. He is lonely and his appartment is too big for just himself. He is uninterested in going to the Single's ward although his Bishop and his apartment manager have encouraged him to do so.

He shared another experience with me that he had last summer while he was with his girlfriend. They were at some art fair or some event where they had a palm reader. X decided to have his palm read. The two of them went into the tent. When the palm reader looked into his had, she asked if she could speak to him alone and excused his girlfriend. She told him that his girlfriend is not his true love. She said that he once had his true love and he still longs for her.

He interpreted that to mean that I was his true love that he has lost. But she's the one he had tatooed in color the whole length of his forearm! Doesn't that indicate true love?! hehe

The point of his call was to find out if I felt that there was any chance of us getting back together because he has been going around with it his mind. I told him that I did not feel that there was any chance of that happening. I could hear the disappointment in his voice.

The only reason he remembers that I left him for was that he decided to leave the church. He told me about a couple that he knew in one of his wards growing up. The wife became inactive for a time, but he was confident that she would come back, and eventually she did. He wished that we could have been like them. I told him he is fortunate to have forgotten everything that happened to cause our break up.

The truth was that when he called me from his art studio in the middle of the night to tell me that he wanted to become a vegitarian and practice worship in the Native American way by smoking tobacco and drinking alcohol, yes I told him that I would leave him if he decided to leave the church. I said it as more of a threat, hoping that he might change his mind and stick it out. Of course that didn't happen.

Instead it was me who gave in. I remember raking leaves in the yard thinking to myself what I should do. Do I leave him to be thrown back into the lds dating pool of YA dances and firesides? Only, this time I would have a handicap, I would be stamped- DESPERATE DIVORCED SINGLE MOTHER. That thought alone kept me from packing my bags any time soon. I dreaded the single scene the first round, how could I bare it again with the scarlet letters DM?

No, I will stick it out with X, I told myself. I chose to marry him and I am going to stand by my choice. So what if there are times that I want to kill him, if he were only here long enough for me to poison him. At least then, if I got away with it I would only be a widdow rather than a divorcee. I made the choice to stay, or at least I hadn't made the choice to leave, yet. Maybe it was the phone call the next night where he woke up in a sweat after having a dream that I left him and he was miserable.

Even thought he had gone through 3 jobs in the first four months we lived there and sacrificed the rent money on our house to buy a shed in the back yard for him to paint in so he can be a full time artist. And sacrificed it again when he rented a studio in Bountiful. The rent for his studio was always paid, but the rent on the house was a few months behind. The utilities were all on the verge of being shut off and the phone already was for a few weeks before I left. There was darn little food in the house except for some expired boxes of scalloped potatoes that were given to us. I was left at home with a new baby with an ear infection that I had to take on the bus to the Dr. and carried about a mile to walk home. If we had enough change, I could take the laundry in the stroller through the snow to the laundrymat. If we didn't have the change, I did laundry in the bathtub. I don't recommend it to pregnant mothers in their last term or within a month after giving birth. There were three days where I was sick with what may have been food poisoning. I could not consume anything without immediately throwing it up, including water. I could not produce milk to nurse my son and he refused to take the bottle. I thought I was on my death bed. I figured no one would even know for a few days if I did die. X did not come home the whole time I was sick. He called once a day and I told him I was sick but he didn't bother to come home to try to help me. Besides, our conversations usually ended with a hangup. There wasn't a day I didn't break down in tears. But I was going to stick by my man....

Actually, after he told me that he was going to leave the church and I was willing to accept it, we even bonded a little bit. He traded a painted for several free haircuts at a beauty salon, so he sent me there to get a new hair do that he designed for me. It was two toned, purple and platinum.

It wasn't until Valentines Day when I took him out to a 24 hour Mexican restaurant with some money that I had stashed away from sewing patches on letterman jackets, that I finally made the decision to leave him. We didn't say much through dinner and when we got home, he let me out of the car and kept his distance from me, and prepared to take off again. We used to kiss upon greeting and departing. I called him on it and I said to him, "You never touch me anymore." He became self-conscious and said, "Well tell the neighbors, why don't you?"

So I yelled, out loud, "YOU NEVER TOUCH ME ANYMORE!!" Then he begins walking inside to finish our conversation in private. He told me that since his dream that I left him, in his mind it had already happened. I figured if I was already a ghost, why was I hanging around? I told him I will be calling my parents the next day and I will be gone as soon as possible. He didn't argue with me and he went on his way.

*And THAT, Dear X is the reason I left you.*

I mentioned briefly to him a few of the situations above to help him understand that I really had no choice but to leave him as a matter of survival.

He seemed to think that I should be able to forgive and forget what has happened in the past. I believe I have forgiven him and I try every day to forget, but that doesn't mean I need to subject myself to that again. Even if he has changed since then, it's not enough. It would be too painful for me because I know those memories would come flooding back. Now that I have the choice to make over again I say, "No, thanks."

Even after all that, he accused me of being fearful of how my parents would react to us getting back together, which granted would not be a pretty sight, but it was only a small fraction of the influences in my decision.

Can an X Ever Be a Y?

2006-04-08T00:13:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm not ready to tackle my trip to Sacramento yet, so I'll bring up another subject that I have overlooked. Not that it's new subject, but it was a new development in an old subject.

I mentioned that I got a call from X while I was in San Francisco. In his message he told me that he had to leave work early because this was so heavy on his mind that he couldn't concentrate. He said that he has the desire to go back to church and he also said that he wants to get back together with me! Just like that. As if he can just put a testimonial band-aid on what happened and call it fixed.

I had to put it back on the shelf for when I got back into town. The night I get in, he calls me up and told me about his first day back to church and how the members reacted to him and his mustache. We arranged to meet the next evening to share some of his thoughts and feelings with me.

I was still dealing with my feelings for Paul from the weekend and then facing being officially unemployed and he could see the stress on my face. He asked what was troubling me and I told him about my job situation etc. So he asked me if I could use some money. I told him it would help. He had the nerve to say that all I had to do was ask. I told him that he can assume that I will always need help financially from him, but that I have never counted on it. He actually offered to transfer $60 to my paypal account. (..and he did, it was the first time he has given me any money since I left him 3 years ago.) He told me that he is planning to start paying child support regularly from now on. He even said he wants to pay $150/mo, $50 more than we agreed to.

We moved on and he told me about some experiences that he has had that led him to the feeling that we should be together. He mentioned a conversation with his mother where she told him that we complimented each other, or that she felt like I was the one for him or something.

He also said that he has continued to have futuristic dreams and that I have been in them. I have always known him to have these visions. There were several that I knew of that took place after he shared them with me. I think he feels unworthy of them and he doesn't know how to deal with them at times, so he tries to oppress them and avoids sharing them.

Then he discussed the desire to return to church and how his patriarchal blessing even mentions something that illudes to him falling away and coming back strong. He shared how his friends look to him as a spiritual leader. He is anxious to get involved again and he wanted to be able to call on me for support in his spiritual journey because he looks to me for knowledge of the Gospel.

He even said that he would like to be able to afford my rent for an appartment of my own within the next few months. He thinks he is rich just because he has a job that pays above minimum wage now.

He is still a damn good salesman. That, or I am still gullible. But this time I left my purse in the car so I wouln't buy anything. I made no promisses. I even opened up to him a little with what I was going through with dating and my conflicting answers to prayers and my feelings for Paul. I even spilled how I have been questioning my testimony because of it all. His reply was, "You shouldn't do that." Hahaha! as if he is one to give advice in this matter! He goes to church one time after more than three years and already he is a Saint.

Creative Juices Are Flowing

2006-04-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

It's just after midnight and I'm up because I was supposed to get back to Paul after putting Guy to bed, but apparently he fell asleep and I don't want to go back to bed yet. I put on some Belle and Sebastian and it has put me in a creative mood. I want to create a masterpiece. I have felt so stunted lately. I wish I could get over this hurdle to move on and allow my heart and mind to open up to creativity again.

I remember when I took on the project of painting the black bookshelves to look like wood for my bedroom. It took me about 5 hours to put on all the layers of paint and the texturing and the mixing of paint. I didn't really know how they would turn out and I was inspired along the way as to how to get the look I wanted. And when they were done, I felt so satisfied.

I feel like I am being held back in the....like 17th grade and I can't graduate until I pass the final test, which is to get married. I need to let go, pick up the pieces, shed the garbage and move on with my life before it passes me by. "Please Lord, help me let go." The Spirit is confirming this to me as I am writing this. My grip is so tight after clinching the dream for so long.

I took Guy to the park last week while we were waiting for his Dad to show up at his house, but that's another story. When we first got there, let him go play while I layed on the grass and looked up into the sky. I couldn't remember the last time I had done that. What a peaceful feeling it brought. It was a beautiful day. The sky was pure blue dispursed with white fluffy clouds. It was short lived because Guy realized he needed to go potty.

I am just realizing how much catching up I have to do on here. I think I will get busy filling you in...

A Late Night Chat

2006-04-06T00:07:00.000-07:00

The following is a conversation with a guy I met online last summer, before I met Frank. He lives on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, so we have never met, but we keep in touch and tell each other the latest on our boyfriends/girlfriends. He was engaged around the same time I was but it didn't work out for them either. Now he is seeing a new girl that he is hoping to marry.

He used to read my blog while we were getting to know each other. I asked him the other day if he still reads it. He admitted that he doesn't because he didn't feel comfortable reading it, but he came on and read my recent posts and expressed concern for me.

I am sharing this conversation because it expresses some of my rationalizations I have made lately. Some issues I might address more, and others I may not.

Norm says:
you and your blogging!!
Trixie says:
I know, I know
Trixie says:
it's my therapy
Trixie says:
next to dancing
Norm says:
I know...just kidding ya..
Trixie says:
and dancing hasn't brought me much joy lately
Norm says:
Really?
Norm says:
Tell me more about Paul...
Trixie says:
actually, it's the lack of dancing
Trixie says:
I am disppointed every time I go to a dance, I am pretty sure I am invisible
Trixie says:
well...
Trixie says:
he is 38, divorced, has a 9 year old daughter
Trixie says:
he lives in Texas, about 1000 miles away
Trixie says:
he works for a company that sells software for medical professionals
Trixie says:
he does the training and installation
Norm says:
hmmmm...thats good....
Trixie says:
so he travels a lot
Trixie says:
yes, he has a very good job, for once!
Trixie says:
so, he is some times able to swing it to come through Salt Lake
Trixie says:
and he gets free air miles and that is how he was able to fly Guy and I out to San Francisco last month
Norm says:
thats good too.... so ....
Trixie says:
he doesn't drink, or smoke and he is a vegitarian
Norm says:
would you move to Texas?
Trixie says:
sure
Norm says:
when are you thinking?
Trixie says:
we don't have any plans
Trixie says:
he has not asked me to marry him, just talk
Trixie says:
we still have some issues to resolve
Norm says:
I really do think it is hard for Sisters in the church if they cannot find someone...
Trixie says:
mostly having to do with my religion
Norm says:
especially if they have been married...
Norm says:
what are they?
Norm says:
not being nosey....I just care about you Trixie...
Trixie says:
yes, I am finding it hard to find any good men left over
Trixie says:
I know
Norm says:
just dont want you to make another big mistake...even if he does have a good job...
Trixie says:
he just doesn't want me to rush into it and he is being very honest about what it would be like to be married to him because he has a lot more liberal views about things than I do
Norm says:
hmmmm....a bit worrying Trixie...
Norm says:
what does 'liberal' mean to him?
Trixie says:
whatever you may imagine it to be, he is
Trixie says:
very accepting, and open minded
Norm says:
hmmmm....I just want you to be very careful....
Norm says:
you may end up getting more hurt in the long run....
Trixie says:
I know, that worries me too
Trixie says:
I know that I would be settling...
Trixie says:
but at this point, I feel like it is the best I can do...
Norm says:
You may want to be married so that you are not on your own....but it could be worse for you...
Trixie says:
every member that I meet is either unworthy of me or not interested
Neal says:
I know ...I can see how you see it...
Trixie says:
I wish I were not so dependent and it is something I am working on, just not happening fast enough
Trixie says:
and I have become a burden on my parents...
Trixie says:
my dad is loosing his job and my mother has not found one yet and they are going to be asking me for rent starting next month
Norm says:
oh dear...that is stress....
Trixie says:
and any job I take, I have to pay for daycare although the state will help me once I am imployed, but that's won't last forever.
Trixie says:
yes
Trixie says:
and my dad's health is not good
Norm says:
I was very concerned about that whole situation at the beginning...
Trixie says:
they are having a hard time finding a job that comes close to the wages they were making in California
Trixie says:
my brother and his wife are also having a hard time paying their portion of the rent
Trixie says:
and they are both still in school
Trixie says:
... both working part time
Norm says:
yeap...thats bad all round...
Trixie says:
and we just moved into this new house
Trixie says:
I realize I am looking for an escape
Norm says:
Thats was my worry....and families under those stresses have real problems emotionally..
Norm says:
one leaning on the other...it causes rifts...
Trixie says:
but after all the rejection I get from the young college students, it's nice to have some one that cares for me
Trixie says:
we actually get along pretty good, until I pulled that stunt last weekend
Trixie says:
..or the weekend before, rather
Norm says:
Yes...I understand that...but that situation is not good....you need your own space Trixie...
Norm says:
stunt or no stunt...
Trixie says:
not that we don't get along now, but they are raising their expectations of me
Trixie says:
yes, it's true. I do
Trixie says:
I would like to be making enough money at this job where I could move out on my own
Trixie says:
but I really don't know when that can be a reality
Norm says:
Thats what does concern me...their expectations of you under these circumstances...
Trixie says:
I am barely holding myself together
Trixie says:
it is so difficult for me to concentrate on the training
Norm says:
yeap...I know what is was like for me...
Trixie says:
on top of it, I have to answer to my exs
Trixie says:
...who want this or that from me and want to get back together
Trixie says:
[X] promised to start paying child support, but all I have seen is $60
Norm says:
oh dear....
Trixie says:
I have no daycare right now, which the state was subsidising for me while I was working, but because I am not technically employed, they can't pay any for me
Trixie says:
I have been on food stamps since I moved here
Trixie says:
I am so tired of being sooo very dependent
Trixie says:
and so many people asking so much of me
Trixie says:
I really just want to run away
Norm says:
You have to do the right thing Trixie...
Norm says:
get some help....
Trixie says:
I have been trying to do the right thing
Trixie says:
and I have been so strong for so long
Trixie says:
it has drained me
Norm says:
thats the only way you will start getting out of your situation...you have to start feeling better in your mind...
Trixie says:
that means I can't date any more or go to any more dances because they send me spiralling downward
Norm says:
I know you have been trying...
Trixie says:
God knows I have
Norm says:
mmmm....
Norm says:
What do you think is the best way to go?
Trixie says:
I could...
Trixie says:
break up with Paul, and continue to live with my parents until I can get on my feet, and repent with the possible risk of being excommunicated.
Trixie says:
if I ever do
Norm says:
That would be hard...but its the right way....
Trixie says:
and continue to date around and continue to be disappointed, or broken hearted from rejection
Trixie says:
wait around until Guy is 10 years old and I am too old to have more children, so I will adopt my 60 year old husband's teen agers
Trixie says:
actually they would probably be college age
Norm says:
okay...okay....i know what youre saying...
Trixie says:
I mean what is the point of marrying a member for eternity that I only partly like when I could marry a best friend for this life?
Trixie says:
I know this life is short
Trixie says:
but I have to get through it some how
Trixie says:
it would be different if I didn't have a child
Trixie says:
I hate to say it, but it's true...
Trixie says:
I would be able to focus on a career and not have to worry about daycare or being available for him, if he is sick
Trixie says:
and I would't be concerned with finding him a father...
Trixie says:
I hear him talking to himself about who his dad is and he has me pretend that I am his dad
Norm says:
but he has to be the right father...deary...
Trixie says:
I want him to have brothers and sisters, too
Trixie says:
so where the hell is he?
Norm says:
ok....now now...
Trixie says:
do I wait for my life to pass me by while I search for him?
Trixie says:
I do not believe that he will just come knocking at my door some day
Norm says:
yeap...thats the reality...
Trixie says:
I cannot afford to spend my energy looking any more...
Trixie says:
I find that I neglect my other duties to devote to finding "the right man"
Trixie says:
I want to spend my time at home with my family and stop this searching
Norm says:
okay....If it does not work out for me....I'll come and rescue you!!
Norm says:
hehe
Trixie says:
hehe
Norm says:
Guess what?
Trixie says:
I surely need rescuing
Trixie says:
what?
Norm says:
I still like you a lot....I am in love with Veronica though...
Trixie says:
of course, Norm
Norm says:
You are one of my best friends...
Trixie says:
I am touched
Trixie says:
I really haven't had any friends to talk to, especially lately
Neal says:
....and you're a dancer!!
Norm says:
haha
Trixie says:
hehe
Trixie says:
are you on Myspace?
Norm says:
whats that?
Trixie says:
I just started a group on there called Swingin Saints
Trixie says:
oh, it's kind of like [reference to lds website], but it's not for lds and just for friends, etc.
Trixie says:
actually, it's more like [reference to lds website], if you are familiar with that
Norm says:
yeap
Trixie says:
ok, so I started a group on there for lds people who also like swing dancing (another attempt to find an lds man that swing dances)
Trixie says:
I just formed it last week and already there are 34 members
Norm says:
WOW!!!
Norm says:
thats cool...
Trixie says:
yep
Trixie says:
I think one of them is close to my age
Trixie says:
the rest are barely 20
Norm says:
Male?
Trixie says:
the one my age?
Trixie says:
ha, yes
Norm says:
you never know!!
(I have since sent him a message, but he has not responded.)
Trixie says:
I know, am just so tired of the rejection I have been getting...
Norm says:
I get you
Trixie says:
I meet a new person on [reference to lds website] and I get my hopes up and then either they stop replying or we meet and I am just not attracted to them.
Trixie says:
or a meet a new person at a dance, and they would rather dance with the freshmen than me, even though I am probably up with at least the top ten dancers there. (They go there "wookin' pa nub" too, so they go for the hot young chics that don't already have kids.)
Norm says:
yeap...I get you....I'm usually out of the league too....
Norm says:
I'm going to church dance tomorrow...
Norm says:
I prefer to let loose at my club that I go to ...
Trixie says:
I started going to the YSA ward, and I saw a few guys I might be interested in, but when I went to FHE, I found that they have girlfriends
Norm says:
the atmosphere and understanding is not the same...
Trixie says:
I can imagine
Trixie says:
I haven't been to a church dance in years
Norm says:
Thats too bad...
Trixie says:
our stake doesn't even have them except for special occasions like new years
Norm says:
hmmm...I eally understand your situation Trix
Trixie says:
you may be the only one, if you do
Norm says:
you are funny...
Trixie says:
ha ha
(I was quite serious)
Norm says:
I miss talking to you like this...
Trixie says:
ugh, I wish we had a better subject
Norm says:
yeap....

Another Get Away

2006-04-01T23:37:00.000-07:00

I managed to come up with enought money to go to Sacramento for the Lindy Exhange last weekend, with the help of Frank. He does not know that I splurged the money on going dancing in Sacrament, or even that I went.

It was a pretty selfish decision for me to go. Especially considering that my father just found out that he likely to be loosing his job in the next month. My mother still hasn't found work yet. My brother and his wife are also struggling and they are having a hard time affording their rent to my parents. They knew that I was hurting financially because I am not making any money right now while I am trainging so they donated the ping pong table for me to sell and keep the money. Besides that they had just paid for the fee to be reinstated on the training. I had already made the decision to pay that back to them, but my mother requested it of me when she found out that I had been squandering my money to take off for the weekend.

She also told me how she felt like I had violated their trust when I took off without telling them when I took Guy with me to San Francisco last month. She was grateful this time that I at least told her before I actually left. I explained that the reason I did not tell them last time was because I was afraid that they would try to stop me. She responded with the question, "And why do you think we would try to stop you?" I replied, "Because it was a wild and crazy thing to do."

I had enough money by Wednesday night. I told my mother Thursday afternoon and I planned to leave Friday morning. Those that I knew that were carpooling out had already left by Thursday evening, so I was too late to hitch a ride or take a passenger. I wanted to have a car while I was there anyway so I could get around to see my friends. So, I would make the drive to Sacramento alone. I was not trying to hide this fact from my parents, in fact I mentioned how I didn't think Guy would do too well on the long drive there, so I needed them to watch him for me. Somehow my mom thought that I was able to get a flight for the next day or something because when I called her from Nevada she figured I was there already and I told her I was only half way across Nevada. Then came a lecture about how I need to make wise choices regarding my safety because if anything happened to me, they would be responsible for Guy.

I was surprised at how few times I got drowsy after staying up late or early, depending on how you look at it for two nights in a row. I pulled over and got out of the car and once I took a short nap if I started feeling sleepy. I was going pretty fast. I remembered that X and I made it in 8 hours one time and I thought it would be possible to do again, but I realized that must have been a record and I wanted to get there before the dance that night was over. I was watching for police the whole way and when one came up behind me while I was going 95, I looked back to see if it was and I figured if it was they would have pulled me over by now so I kept on going. I should have pulled my butt over as soon as I saw them, just to be safe. I got a fat ole' ticket of $225 that I guess I'll be paying for with my wedding ring if it will ever sell. I have listed it for the third time on ebay, against the request of Frank.

My drive there was a humbling one. I got a lecture from my mother, a $225 speeding ticket, I couldn't get a hold of any of my friends, so I still didn't have a place to even stay while I was there, and two truckers decided it would be fun to play a gave of block in the little green car so she can't pass us for ten minutes while we go 60 miles an hour. I am not kidding. One truck decided to pass the other one, just ahead of me. When the truck in front of me in the left lane was just a few inches past the truck in the right lane they continued to keep the same pace so that they were perfectly diagonal from eachother. They continued this for a couple minutes until I honked. I guess that was the wrong thing to do because then the truck on the right sped up so that he was perfectly parallel with the truck in front of me. For TEN freaking minutes they kept this up. I just let back and threw my hands up, and became more enraged with every second that passed. Once the cars started backing up behind me and I whipped out my cell phone and attempted to call the "How's my driving #", the truck in the left finally fell back and got behind the other truck. I was fuming. Now I am not the type to express road rage to other drivers. I am usually pretty patient and mind my own business, but I could not let this go excused. I so much as gave the truck drivers the finger and said, "F you and you too, A Hole!" Anyone who knows me, would be surprised to hear that out of my mouth.

It was dark by the time I got to Donner Summit and they were expecting snow, and I could not find my chains, so I was lucky that it was clear, but it was raining and I almost would have preferred snow to the scary conditions that the rain posed. I was white knucking it the whole way as the trucks zoomed past and the overspray blinded my view. The lane markers where no longer visible from the winter season so I couldn't even tell who's lane I was in or if I was on the shoulder. Besides that my windshield-won't-whipers were clearing the whole window exept for the area directly in front of me. It was the scaryest 1 1/2 hour drive I have ever done.

I finally heard back from a couple of my friends when I was just getting into town. Teri invited me to stay with her and I invited her to come out dancing with me after she went dancing at her studio. I stopped at Target for a couple of things and changed in my car behind the store. Then went to the East Star Temple, downtown for the dance.

Got the In-Love-With-A-Non-Member Blues

2006-03-20T17:34:00.000-07:00

By Saturday I found myself going mad again. I wasn't any closer to getting to go to Sacramento and I was back to debating whether or not I should continue to pursue Paul.
Guy was sick all day and I put on a good act as if I was sick too. I spent most of the day in bed or on the couch or at the computer. It was pretty much a waste of a day, which isn't too unusuall lately.
While chatting with Paul, he offered to fly me out to Sacramento, but he also made it understood that he would expect me to stay with him and that we would not have a chaperone this time. The idea of it made me see stars and gasp for air. I would enjoy it, to be sure, but I could not come home to life as I know it, which on the other hand isn't that great either. On the other hand it's all I've got.
I tried to explain to him the repercussions if I accepted his offer. I knew I could not. I also came to the realization again that regardless of all my plotting and scheming, it simply would not work out with Paul and I. We decided that we should not talk or chat any more. Both our hearts were breaking as we said adeu. This lead to more lethargicness on my part and more laying around the house and more eating of chocolate ice cream.

Later that evening, all that napping and ice cream gave me a new found energy and I decided to go to the BYU swing dance. My dad shook his head as he recalled all the many times that I have stayed home from work or school all day being sick, then gone out dancing later that night, only to be more sick the next day.
The BYU dance was short, but sweet. Short because I rarely leave the house to go dancing before 10pm and their dances end at 11:30. I met a few new people from Provo and had some great dances. They were playing a lot of Blues that night because they had a blues lesson earlier, in an effort to prepare the croud that is attending the Sacramento exchange. I wished I could have danced some of the blues songs, but I had a streak of wallflowering when they were being played.
The last three dances made up for the time sitting on the stage. They were full of energy and creativity, thanks to Matt, Eric and Seth, who lifted me about 3 times and kept me spinning at least 10 times in a row. Unlike most girls, I enjoy spinning. Sure I'm a little dizzy after, but spotting helps and weee, it's fun!

The Red Rock Hot Club

2006-03-20T17:02:00.000-07:00

Friday night, I treated myself to some hot jazz, compliments of the Red Rock Hot Club that played at Zanzibar on St. Patrick's day. I heard about it from the swing forum. There was a small group of kids planning to go, I would have gone regardless of who was going. I was just excited to get some culture.
There were about 8 follows and 4 leads. I got in a dance with Grant just after I got there and it was the only time I danced, but I was content to listen to the live music and watch the other dancers. I met some new peole. One girl from So Cal who has a 7 year old and another girl who is on a newly formed swing dance team in Salt Lake. I was secretly so jealous. But not as jealous as I became of the couple who came in later who actually started the team and teach lessons together. They were such a pleasure to watch dancing. If I had a partner to practice and learn with I know I could dance like that.
I didn't let it get me down. I actually made it home with no tears tonight.

It's Still Pouring

2006-03-20T14:14:00.000-07:00

I guess I made it through the week. I had two almost good days on Monday and Tuesday, even with the news that I would no longer receive assistance for daycare from the state because I am not technically employed. So I have to pay for the last two weeks on my own plus the next two weeks to comply with the two-weeks-notice that the daycare requires.
I think I was even convinced that life without Paul would still go on. Then Paul came back from his trip to Hawaii and we started chatting and talking again and I realized how much I missed him. It's nice to have a shoulder to cry on, even if it is virtual. If I had a friend like me though, I think I would get tired of her complaining about all the petty shit that happens to her.

I am constantly tight rope walking and apparently I'm not very good at it, but my parents are always there like a safety net to catch me when I fall and I hate it. I remind myself of it everyday. I have a very independent personality, yet I am completely financially dependent upon my parents.
Well, they had to bail me out again last week when I found out that because I downloaded the practice test when I was first starting up with the Medical Transcription last May, and it has been more than 6 months since I turned it in, because I have been completing the terminology course, now I get to be reinstated. This consists of reapplying, sending an updated resume and paying a $50 fee. Well isn't that nice? I don't happen to have 50 extra dollars sitting around. I never understood the concept of charging a person so they can work for you. If I had money to spend, I wouldn't be looking for a job, now would I?
Friday I was about to post the jewlery that Frank gave me for V day on ebay. When I couldn't get my camera to work, I decided to try to take them back to the store. I knew where he bought them and they still had the tags on them. I suspected that they would probably give me a gift card for the amount because I didn't have a receipt, so my plan was to make a purchase with the gift card then return the item that I had a receipt for. (Of course they have gotten smarter these days and they can tell that you purchased the item with a gift card from the receipt and to keep their money they would just give me another gift card, but it was worth a try, plus I just needed to get out.)
Just my luck, the items he purchased were on sale, which means I got even less credit for them. Guy and I went up and down the escalator and elevator a couple times, then I found a pair of Googly, large white sparkly sun glasses and a pretty pearl and blue retro brooch to purchase for the amount of my gift card. It turned out they were on sale too, so I still had credit on the card. We wandered through the mall for a while and came back to the department store. Long story short- I was able to convince the store manager to cash out the $20 left on the card. Well, that would be enough to get me in to see the Red Rock Hot Club at Zanzibar and to pay the sitter, then I would be back where I started. Good enough for me.

I Can't Hear You, I Have A Banana Stuck In My Ear

2006-03-12T16:59:00.000-07:00

My depression was worse today than yesterday or the day before. I was taking my time getting ready for church, after every one else had already left for Sacrament Meeting. My plan was to go to the YA ward after church, so I didn't see the need to go to be there for sacrament in the Family Ward too. But I still have a Primary class to teach, so I was getting ready to be there in time for that.
Well, I took the time to scan and print a handout I had for my class at home instead of trying to catch the library open at the right time and missed Sharing time in the process. So, I finally made it out the door in time to be there to teach my class. It was snowing this morning so I had to brush off the car first. I was already fighting the tears before I left and I thought I would be ok, but by the time I got to the church parking lot, which is only about a block away, I was full on balling. There was no way I could go in there and teach a lesson about how our Heavily Father watches over us to a class of 6 year olds in my condition. Especially, when I did not feel like Heavily Father has been watching over me.
I was feeling like I was being mocked, and thrown another temptation instead of a blessing. I am hurt and confused by the way my answers to my prayers do not match up. I am angry at myself for slipping, it was no major fall, but I think I may have skinned my knee a bit. I feel like when I need guidance the most, I am unworthy of it.
I couldn't do it. I just drove on through the parking lot and back out the other side. I headed for the temple parking lot to pray, sobbing all the way. I stopped in there last night, on my way home to pray, but I only fell asleep when I turned off the radio. On my way there today, I was so much as contemplating calling it quits and I imagined myself driving off the edge of a cliff. I scared myself to be thinking this way, but the pressure has been so great lately, that I just feel like I need a way out.
I stopped in the temple parking lot and I was able to bring myself out of it after a while. I apologized to God for questioning him and my testimony or my desire to be married in the temple, but I was still angry with him for allowing me to be so confused.
I realized it was close to the time for the YA ward to start. I figured I would just go straight there. I was about 15 minutes early still. I snagged one of the proseyliting Books of Mormon from a table in the foyer as I walked in the chapel. I was the first one to sit in the piews. There were a few people on the stand preparing the Sacrament etc. I sat in the same place I sat last week, the back row, closest to the door. Not because I came in 1/2 hour late, but because I was not feeling very friendly and it would be a quick escape in case I broke down again.
I opened the BofM in 3 Nephi where Jesus is preaching to the people in America, after his descention.
One guy came up and introduced himself to me. He said he remembered my testimony from last week and we talked for a moment. Then I went back to my reading. I was doing ok until I read the following passages.

7 Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
8 For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.
9 Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone?
10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

I was feeling like my prayers were being said in vain. I felt like I asked for a fish and got a serpent! I have not been praying lately because I am afraid of what other crazy answer I might get. I put down the BofM, as the meeting was about to start.

I felt like I was going through the motions as I was singing the hymn, but I was really trying to feel the Spirit and get what I could out of the meeting.

The first talk was on Self Worth. I figured I better listen up since I was just contemplating suicide a few moments earlier.

The second talk was about coming out of depression or overcoming low self esteem, (something to this affect). I'm sure the talk was written for me. I love when that happens. He said some wonderful things, and what stood out to me the most was when he talked about how trials are given us so that we may know opposition in all things. Before the greatest blessings come the toughest trials.

I figured there had ought to be one giant blessing in store for me. Preferably, between 5' 4" and 6' tall.

I was holding back the tears by the time he was through talking. I couldn't finish the closing hymn and I darted out of there as soon as the prayer was over.

I came on home and my mom saw me before I could reach my bedroom. She could see that I was down and she wanted to comfort me. She knew I was having a hard time lately because she saw me sobbing at my computer last week when I was trying to break it off with Paul, but I didn't go into detail with her at that time (not that I ever do), I just told her how I was frustrated with all that was going on with Frank and Paul and not that it was a real concern, but X too. Oh, and I found out that I can't send Guy to daycare any more while I am training because the state won't subsidise his daycare unless I am employed, which technically, I am not right now.

She started asking questions and I gave her minimal information. All I wanted to do was climb in bed. She sat on the bed next to me and tried to understand what I am going through while Guy was giving me kisses and hugs.

My family, including myself, has been fasting and praying for me today, that I can get through this hard time and that I will meet a man that can take me to the temple. She shared with me how they had a good lesson on the Spirit in Relief Society today. She said that she was thinking about me and she had a warm feeling come over her telling her that the Lord has a plan for me and that it will all be ok. Then she said, "But it didn't tell me when."

It was enough simply to know that he has a plan. She also said that she was impressed that we all needed to pull together to make it happen. I am thankful to my mother for listening to the Spirit because I have turned my ears off to him. I really needed to hear that.

Where can I turn for peace?

2006-03-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

I feel like I need to run, but in every direction there is some obsticle; either a briar patch, a mountain, a dessert or an ocean. And, if I stand still the wolves will get me. I have only to choose which one is going to take me down. Is there a green hill far away? If so, in what direction?

Friday Night Flop

2006-03-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

I feel Betrayed, Confused, misguided, abandonded, tricked, neglected, misplaced, helpless, weak, alone, frustrated, annoyed, tempted, and let down.

I just got back from dancing at the "Golden Skillet" Ooo! It's a small place and there weren't a whole lot of people there, more than last week, because some kids from Provo were there tonight.

I got there at about 10pm, danced with all the leads, there were only 5 there, then sat down. Then came in the Provo kids. Everyone started goofing off and getting silly with their friends. Even so much as pretending to dance with the poles that are placed throughout the dance floor, very badly, I might add.

I was feeling like a missfit and decided to check out another venue in Murray. I had heard that it was west coast, but I thought it might be the change I needed. Nope, it just didn't appeal to me at all. West coast dancing with guys in cow boy hats to Michael Jackson just isn't my thing.

I broke down in tears when I got in my car to go home. I have lost hope in finding the man of my dreams here, in Utah. I haven't even found a girl friend that I can just talk to or go out with. I moved here specifically because I remembered there to be a large croud of LDS kids that swing dance. Well there is, but they are just that, KIDS. They are all several years younger than me. Which was fine when I was several years younger, but they seem to have stayed the same age. Truthfully, I only know one person that still dances from when I lived here before and she has always been much younger than me, so she is still safe. I suppose it's no different than the Young Adult Wards. Once you turn 30, you fall off the face of the Earth, if you haven't already by then. If they're lucky, it happens before they reach 25.

For me, dancing isn't just social entertainment. It is my therapy: physical and mental. In order for me to be happy, I must dance, regularly. Sure, I can dance alone doing tap, jazz, or ballet, but I would like to be able to do the couples dancing with my husband, rather than always wishing he could dance with me. It's not like it would be appropriate for me to go out dancing alone or with some girlfriends and without my husband. I need someone that has the same appreciation for dancing as me, so we enjoy it together.

I don't know where else to search. It would take another year to find out who, if any one in my Young Adult Ward dances, and if they do dance, then they would be out dancing and I would be sure to run into them there. I wish I could afford to travel to more exchanges in other states. It's just not reasonable, as I would have to leave Guy with Grandma and Granpa for several days at a time, but with this new job, at least I could either take my work with me or schedule the days off.

I had hopes of being able to go to the exchange in Sacramento, coming up. Not with any expectations of meeting "the one". I have already gone out with the only available member that swing dances in Sacramento. You can read about that under "Midtown Rendezvous". Though, I'm not sure I'll be able to afford it, since I don't have any money coming in and I have $100 to last me for the next three weeks or more. I may be able to sell off enough junk of mine on ebay to get myself there and back, but I am a little concerned also about how my parents would feel about me taking another road trip while I am supposed to be training for this job and only a few weeks after my last escapade. It sure would be nice to be able to spend some time there to visit with my old friends, though.

Some Answers

2006-03-10T17:18:00.000-07:00

Frank has continued to send me at least one email a day. I do not even reply to them. Then on Friday morning I found an email from him that said he left something for me on the porch the night before and he hoped I got it.
I opened the front door and found a bag with some red roses, a mini cheese cake, a toy for guy, and a lame card with the inside message scratched out and he wrote, "Sorry Babe".
It's all very nice and all, but it only makes me feel like I am not being heard.
I sent him an email thanking him for all the nice things, but please do not come around any more and do not email me any more unless you NEED something and do not call me!
So, what does he do? He calls my cell phone from a restricted number a few hours later. I answer it because I did not know it was him. I wish I had hung up as soon as I heard his voice, but I guess I figured it had better be pretty good if he is calling me just after getting my email telling him not to even contact me. I was wrong.
He just started going on about how he can't let go because he feels like he had found the love of his life and his dream woman and he just can't give me up. He prays to know if he should persue me or not and his answer is yes. He started reminiscing about some special moments we had together, but I would cut him off. He gave his Giant-with-the-cupcake analogy about how the Giant just fumbles with the delicate cupcake in his hand until he has detroyed it so that it has crumbled to the floor. He feels like he is the giant trying to save our relationship. I told him he cannot pray to make someone fall in love with him. My feelings for him have changed.
Then he started giving examples of how he has changed since we were dating. How he has a truck now and that he is working and making good money. I told him those are not the only reasons why I called it off. He wanted to know what my reasons were, but I did not have the heart to tell him, because it is not something that he can change and I know he has regrets over it. I was trying to spare his feelings even to this point. He said he is strong and that he can take it. HA! He has not taken any of it well.
He figured if he were to come out and tell me the things about myself that he didn't like that I would feel compelled to retaliate and do the same for him. Well, I did not let him get so far with me on the phone. I hung up before he could share with me what they were.
He called me back four times (but I did not answer the phone), with 20 minutes and sent another four emails, one of which included the things he doesn't like about me. They were all superficial, and petty insecurities that I was already well aware of about myself, more my physical self than my character. But he didn't let me off the hook there either. He told me I am a truly horrible person because I choose not to tell him and that I am actually lying to him because I won't tell him.
Then he threatons to send me flowers everyday if I do not give him the answers that he deserves. Whoopdideedooo! At least it wasn't a harmfull threat. Another email said that he is on his way to my house to ask me face to face. As soon as I read that I called him and told him not to come over. He made the excuse that his sister needs her slip back that I was going to borrow for the wedding. I told him it would be on the porch. I should have told him I would take it to her myself, which I am going to end up doing anyway it looks like.
I sent the email below, in blue to him in response to his series of emails. I had to go pick up Guy, so I told my brother and my mother that he said he was coming by, just to prepare them, then I left. My dad got home shortly after and they decided to go out to dinner, so by the time Frank got there, there was no one home. He continued to call me every 10 minutes. He called me a total of 14 times last night and left 10 messages!

[FRANKENSTEIN ___________],
DO NOT SEND ME ANY MORE EMAILS. DO NOT CALL ME ON THE PHONE. DO NOT COME TO MY HOUSE. IF YOU CALL ME, IT WILL NOT BE ME THAT ANSWERS. IF YOU COME TO MY HOUSE, THERE WILL BE SOMEONE ELSE TO SHOW YOU OFF THE PROPERTY.
YOU ARE HARRASING ME AND THREATONING ME AND I DO NOT APPRECIATE IT. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A PSHCHOPATH! DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN, IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. STOP PRAYING ABOUT ME OR FOR ME. DO NOT MENTION MY NAME.
YOU HAVE PUSHED ME TO THE LIMIT!

I saw that he had not picked up the bag with his sister's slip in it from the front porch. He did get my email though and he had already replied...twice....

Reply #1
Babe,
I didn't mean any of those I sent to you. I just said them to get a reaction and I just wanted you to be honest with me. You have not been honest for some time and I just wanted to get the truth. That's all. You broke up with me with out telling me the real reason. That's all...........

Reply #2
Oh by the way your true colors are shining through. No contact will be made. I resend any offer to be here for you in anyway because your a lier and not only to me but to your parents and to your self and it has made you real ugly to me and very un-attractive. I hope you can change for Guys sake. You find a project and make it better and when it's almost perfect you throw it away. Please get some help!
[Frank]

Hahahahaha. The second one made me laugh out loud!...hehe, still does. Oh, dear. Yes, my true colors....and his true psychosis!

The next part is where I am puzzled, and amazed. I really hadn't discussed with anyone the additional reasons why I was glad that I choose not to marry Frank or why I was not interested in getting back together with him. Then, over breakfast this morning my dad brings him up and how glad he is that I did not marry him because now we can see how he might behave if things didn't go his way. I agreed and I shared a few of my thoughts and mentioned that I feel like he is lacking in the intellectual department and I think it is partly due to the drugs that he used to do. He was very honest with me from the beginning about it, but I managed to look past that as long as it wasn't a part of his life any more. What I didn't realize were the long term affects that it has on people. He has even admitted that he has a hard time expressing himself sometimes and he things it is due to his taking drugs.
This brought up a new concern to my parents that he might revert back to them at some point if life gets too tough to handle.

I got an email from Frank this afternoon saying that he "know[s] what it is". He never mentioned what "it" is, and that he understans my fear. He elaborated about how he had forgotten about it because he has confessed of it so many times and been forgiven that he himself forgets at times. He says he feels like he needed to experience it so that he could help other people who may be struggling with similar challenges.
I guess the answer must have just come to him, but I wondered if he had bugged the house while we were all out or something. It was a little creepy that he knew only moments after I verbalized it.

*Frank, I'm sorry for the pain I have put you through. It has been a trial for me too. But, what is important is that we both come out strong and better people from this experience, which I believe we both will.*

The Tide Is High

2006-03-08T05:29:00.000-07:00

I started making a CD for Paul that tells our story. I think listening to all the love songs is making it worse. I want to see him again, but I am concerned for what may happen when we do. He has already warned me that I will be in trouble the next time he sees me.
I could not even consider the posibilty of marrying a non-member a few weeks ago, but now a day doesn't go by that I dream about being with Paul. I am close to convincing myself that I could be happy, even without a temple marriage. If I was lucky, I could be sealed to him if he died before me or my children could do it for us. But I cannot depend on that. He still would have to accept it later and what if my children do not join the church or remain active because of the influence of Paul's own faith.
On the other hand, what is the point of being moderatly happy with some one for eternity, when I could be more happy at least for this lifetime with someone that makes me complete.
I imagine eloping with him the next time he is in town, so that I don't sabotage my ability to go to the temple or endanger my membership, but so that I can also be with him.
But say I did decide to marry him and I find that I regret not having a temple marriage. I would not have the Priesthood in my home. There is a chance that my children may choose another path.
I am a little upset with the Lord lately. I was beginning to feel like he was just starting to answer my prayers again, but with answers like the ones I have received, I think I could have done better without them. They have caused more confusion and heart ache than I need in my life. I find myself questioning my testimony, which scares me. The only person I can share these true feelings with is Paul because I know he isn't going to judge me or give me the patented answers that I can expect from anyone else. Of course they are going to tell me that I want a temple marriage. Well, would some one please speak up and tell me where I can get one! ...to a dancer please. Am I asking too much? Am I unworthy of such a man? Am I looking in the wrong place? There are few stones left unturned. I am getting older and anxious to have more children; to have a husband for me and a father for Guy; to be independent from my parents again; to have my own home where I will never want to move from; and to stop wookin pa nub.
They say the tide always turns at the highest point, but I fear this one might pull me under.

Is It Over Yet?

2006-03-08T05:04:00.000-07:00

The following is a letter that I sent to Frankenstein. I hope it will be the last.

[Frankenstein],
It's true I am confused lately. I will be the first to admit it, but I have been honest with you all along. You act as if I had this all planned out from the beginning. I was not playing a game with you. I fell in love with you, I loved being with you and I was preparing to marry you for eternity. What is most confusing to me is how conflicting my answers have been regarding marrying you or any one else. From the time that we first started dating, I began fasting to know if I should even continue to date you. I felt like it was the right thing for me to do, so I continued seeing you. One morning I felt prompted to get out of bed and kneel on the floor to receive a message for me. The message was that Robbie is not right for you. So I asked, "Well, then who?" and I heard [X's] name. I figured that could not be correct so I tossed the whole message asside. Eventually, the Bishop called me in to share what he felt the Lord wanted me to hear. He told me that he feels like I need to be married. I shared with him how I had been trying to receive and answer concerning marrying you. He gave me a blessing promising me that I would receive an answer within the week. I went home that very night and made a list of the qualities that I was seeking in a husband and the qualities that you posess. As I mentioned, you came out at about 70%, and most of the other items of importance were ones that you either had started to work on or planned to work on. I said a prayer in search for a solid answer as to weather I should marry you. I let God know that I may need some reasurance down the line because I have a hard time trusting myself, so I asked him for strength to commit to what ever answer he might give me. The answer that came was an overpowering, "Yes, Yes, Yes, a thousand times YES." I also petitioned to know when we should get married. The date October 31st came to my mind, which was only a little more than a month away. A few moments later I got a call from you in Arizona. I wanted to share my experience with you, but you asked me to call you later at your hotel room. You never came back to the hotel because you had been arrested [for being drunk in public]. I found out from [your friend] that you had not shown up for work on Monday and I figured you must have gotten into some mischief, and I was ready to write you off. It boggles my mind to realize that in the very moments that the Lord was telling me to marry you, you were out drinking! You talked me out of breaking it off with you and I tried to have faith in the answer that I received. I remained strong and stuck to my decision to marry you. We broke the news to my parents, whom I could tell were very concerned about the decision. I began to be concerned as well. I broke down in the bath tub one morning with the feeling like I was walking into a situation similar to my last marriage. It was when you said that you wanted to put all of the money you receive from the tribe into advertising for River Rock that I became scared of your ability to think rationally. I was scared and confused. I took a couple days to ponder my decision to marry you and I figured that the confusion was a good sign that it wasn't right. I figured I needed to call it off with you, and I attempted to, but you talked me out of it and we decided to wait for the temple instead. I felt better about things for some time after that, but the doubt crept in again and I ignored it because it was easier that way. Driving home from dropping you off at Vaughn's house one night, I felt like I needed to go to the temple. I thought about going the next day, a Saturday, but I didn't get there until the following Thrusday. I went through a session and I imagined you being in the room with me, going through for the first time. I felt fine until I got into the celestial room where I was able to have a one-on-one with the Lord. That is when he told me that I would be OK, if I were to marry you. (My impression was that I would be taken care of financially and I would be pretty happy). Then he said to me, "But what if I have some one else in mind for YOU, would you be interested?" How could I resist such an offer from the Lord? Someone chosen just for ME? Of course I was interested. Then the name of an elder from my mission came to my mind. I knew I would have to break if off with you first before the Lord could do his part. I was also given the prompting to call an old companion of mine. I saw you on Friday, with my experience laying heavily on my mind. I didn't know how to go about breaking the news to you. Saturday, I spent the whole day pondering and moaping around, dredding the task at hand, to break up with you. I was avoiding your phone calls because I was not ready to talk to you. You took the hard part away by saying the words for me. I did not know for sure what the future was for me at that time, so it was comforting to know that there was a possibility for us to get back together later, (although I did not expect this from you).Thus, I did not resist the idea that we were taking a break from each other. It was not my intention to drag you on for a month. It was more like you latched yourself on to my leg as I was trying to walk away. I tried to shake you, but I did not want to injure you. I was patient with you as you were dealing with the swarm of emotions and the pain and heart ache. I resisted getting romantic with you, even though I still cared for you, because I did not want to send mixed signals. It was difficult enough to break up the first time and I felt like I had to do it all over again each time we spoke or saw each other. You wanted explainations, but I didn't have them. Your behavior tired me out and it frustrated me that you wanted to wallow in it with me, while I was trying to move on. It has been since our breakup that my feelings have changed about us getting back together. If you will recall, I tried to make it final last week, when I brought back the ring, but again, you refused to let it happen. You see it how you want to, [Frankenstein]. When you see me, you tell me you still see love in my eyes for you, or feel passion when you press agains my still, reluctant lips. When I try to set it straight, you get hurt, then mad and begin calling me things like a liar, or selfish, or inconsiderate, or cruel, or a loose canon, or a gold digger, so what incentive do I have to share my feelings with you? You do not make it easy or pleasant for me. I have to be true to myself. Granted I am confused right now, but I do not feel like I want to get back together with you, nor [X], if it makes you feel any better. I do not know what the future holds for me, so I am taking it one day at a time.

I am not asking for your forgiveness, because I don't feel that I have done anything wrong for breaking up with you, or in the way I did it. You made it very difficult for me and I was more than patient and 100% honest and sincere with you.

Please do not call me. If there is something that you need to tell me, you can send me an email.

Trixie

The Never Ending Story

2006-03-08T05:02:00.000-07:00

Monday comes and Frank is back from his trip to Zion, where he and his buddy were looking at some property they might develop. He calls me to get the swatches that I picked up on Saturday and the sketches of the curtains that I drew.
He came that afternoon with a bag full of stuff for Guy and I with my ring, (I guess it was just a test to see if I was willing to give it back to him if he asked me to) at the bottom and a lunch from Wendy's. I gave him the swatches and a box of his childhood pictures and papers that I discovered in the garage over the weekend. He looked at me with puppy dog eyes. I thought he was going to start whimpering.
He trapped me at my car while I was looking for a cd he thought I had in my player. He told me that he realized that he doesn't want to hear about the guys I date. Then he asks me how I am doing. I confess that I am going through a trial. He asked if it is about a guy or guys. I said, "Of course." Then he started prying and I told him I don't feel like I can talk to him about it, as he just got done telling me that he does not want to hear about the other guys in my life.
He persists, and asked if it has to do with that Paul guy. I told him it was. He asks me if he had proposed to me. I told him no, but that I am in love with him, and that he loves me. He finally started to quiet a bit. He was confused, as am I how I would consider or even get involved with someone who is not a member when Frank's activity was a major issue in our relationship. I couldn't explain, but I assured him I have not made any plans for promisses to anyone.
He finally left, now that he was hurt.
He called later to see if he could take Guy out with him the next day. What does it take to send him the message?
I had to tell him, no. I told him that I don't see us getting back together. He expects explainations for all these things and I told him I just don't thing we are compatible. Then he assumes that I have been lying to him for the last 8 months, as if I never had feelings for him. I let him believe what he wanted, just as long as he leaves me alone. I think he was finally getting the message.
He called two times later that evening. I listened to his 5 minute long complaint message where he tells me that his sisters think I am loose canon and that his brother said he thinks this girl he is starting to date is an upgrade from me. (He just told me earlier that afternoon that Liz is nice, but she is no Trixie.)
Then comes an apology email, the next morning, for what he said to me in his messages, followed by advice on finding a good man in the church to be a good example to Guy, etc.

New YA Ward

2006-03-07T01:21:00.001-07:00

I went to my home ward on Sunday, as usuall to teach my primary class. Then I came home and turned around to go to the Yound Adult Ward by noon. I think I had high hopes for making some friends and meeting some good guys there. It being fast and testimony Sunday, and me being new, I felt impressed to bare my testimony, which is also an opportunity for me to introduce myself.
I got up the courage to go up to the stand. Besides introducing myself, I didn't say much except that I love my family and my Savior and I expressed how I was looking forward to when my trial was over and I could look back on it knowing that I had made the right decision and that I was looking forward to meeting some new people and making friends in the Ward.
I spoke briefly to the girl I sat next to. She told me that from the time they formed the ward, a little over a year ago, it has doubled in size. They asked the new people to meet in the Bishop's office for an orientation meeting. There were four of us attending for the first time. The Bishop of the ward lives in my family ward and his daughter has watched Guy for me several times. He was expecting me because my bishop told him that I would be coming. They reviewed their activity calendar and mentioned a goal setting program with a guide that they would like for us to progress in and meet with the Bishop about on an individual basis. They mentioned something about curfews and I was rolling my eyes in my head.
Then they took our pictures for the ward list. I finally got to attend the last 5 minutes of Sunday School. The sisters in Relief Society were pretty friendly with me.
All in all, I felt very welcome by everyone. I know it's the activities were I will really get to know them, though.

The Skillet

2006-03-07T01:21:00.000-07:00

Friday, I made it a point to check out a semi new swing venue in Sandy that they call the Skillet. I'm not sure I get the name, it sounds more like the name of a restaurant to me. It's located in a dance studio under the Sandy mall.
It was a pretty small croud out. I guess there were usually more kids from Provo that come, but none of them were there that night. I saw a couple people that I knew. Emily, Ryan and Ken. I don't think there's a swing dance happening that they don't attend. They are truly die hards. I also met a few new people, including the instructor, two other people from the forum and some newbies.
Raymond even made an appearance at the last hour, with his girlfriend for the night. I can never read him. Sometimes he is friendly and others he tries to avoid me. I think it may be when he has a girlfriend present that he is standoffish. Eh, whatever.
I got to talk with the instructor for a bit. He was telling me how he and his wife teach the lesson there and go to the exchanges. They wanted to move to Cali, but he had a hard time finding work there and they just bought a house here. He was living proof that guys like him do exist. Where is mine? I ask you?

The Sky Bar

2006-03-07T01:20:00.000-07:00

I got a call from Freddy, (a guy I met at the LDS dance a few weeks back), but I didn't get back to him until the next week when his friend found me online to tell me that he was hurt that I didn't call him back. I was still interested in going out with Freddy, so I figured I better call him. His friend told me that Freddy had a profile on the same web site, so I looked into it. I found out from him profile that he has not been to the temple, but I called him anyway to find out what his story was. By the end of our chat session, his friend, Ivan ended up asking me out to dinner too.
I called Freddy to see if we could go out and we made plans for the very same night. He invited me to the Sky Bar, downtown where they have salsa dancing. I met him at his place. He literally has a used car lot in his yard. He didn't want to leave just yet because it was still early, so we chatted lingered there for a bit. He said he had been looking at my profile and said he didn't know that I served a mission, because he usually doesn't date Return Missionaries. He claims they are too bossy. I asked if he was taking back his offer, I pretended to start to leave.
Then he starts telling me about his eating habbits and how he eats mostly organic fruits and vegetables. Then he gave me nothing short of a lesson on the Word of Wisdom and got out Doctrine and Covenants Section 89 to review with me. He pressed the issue on eating meat sparingly or in times of cold and famine. Is there something about me that says, "I am a carnivore. I eat meat between two slices of bread at every meal and I loath exercising?" Why did he think I needed to hear all that. Was he just sharing his testimony of the W of W with me to make himself look good?
I thanked him for the Sunday School Lesson as he decided which car to take, the yellow Mustang? Oh, it doesn't have plates, so the Eddie Baur SUV it is.
We got there in time for the salsa lesson, not that we planned to. They started with the basic and taught a couple intermediate moves, then busted out with what seemed like a pretty advanced move at the end. Freddy warned me beforehand that he can dance to any of the other music except salsa. He did fine in the lesson, but forgot most of it on the dance floor. I was ok with it, I know it takes time and practice to get it down.
I did feel the need to move a bit more so I asked if he minded if I asked the instructor to dance. I did pretty well with him. I was not accustomed to his style or some of his moves, but I was hanging in until he pulled the advanced move that he taught in the lesson and my shoes stuck to the floor and kept me from spinning like I was supposed to and I tripped a bit. He gave me a couple pointers and told me that I am pretty good and asked if I have taken lessons. I told him I have taken a few.
We sat at the table for a while and arm wrestled eachother and sipped on our drinks. I learned that he joined the church as a teenager because his martial arts instructor was a member. He had been inactive for the last probably 20 years and was just starting to go back to church. He is not at all interested in going to the temple to make more covenants. He is basing his judgements on his customers who he does free financing for who tell him about how they go to the temple, but they are irresponsible with their payments. So, he does not see how it would benefit him.
He got me to share about the times when I tried alcohol. I told him I didn't like the taste of it. The only thing I could manage to get down were wine coolers. But that phase in my life didn't last long and I don't believe I ever got very drunk.
We also talked about how the members in Utah are so relaxed about their religion. He was aware that the church was different here compared to the members in California. He said how you could be talking with a person and asking if they are a member and they will say, "Of the church? Sure," as they take a drink of their beer.
Eventually, they played some merengue and reggaeton that Freddy felt more comfortable with. We saw Freddy's other friend, Jamie on the dance floor for a second, too. He asked me out a couple times, but it never happened.
It occured to me how different the cultures are between salsa dancing and swing dancing because there is such jealously among the men that there is very little exchanging of partners going on, where as in swing we switch it up at every song. Perhaps it was because it was more of a club atmosphere because I do recall that they didn't mind trading partners when I went salsa dancing in Sacramento.
The croud on the dance floor was getting it on and we agreed that we had had enough fun, so we left. He invited me to come in, but I declined. He walked me to my car and asked if he could kiss me. I permitted. It was like kissing a monkey, no not a monkey, I don't know but it was pretty strange. He doesn't have much in the way of lips so his teeth are right there and his mouth rarely closed. *Shutter, shutter*

He called me the next night and invited me to come over to "party with him". I asked what he had in mind. He said, "Oh, you know, we can get some drinks and just chill here." I asked what kind of drinks. He said, "Well, I have some beer or what do you like to drink?" Well, Freddy, I don't drink alcohol. "Oh, well what do you like to drink? You like wine coolers, right?" I told him I don't party like that anymore. Then he comes out and says he was just kidding and he wanted to see how I reacted. He says he just wanted to invite me over to watch a movie. I told him I was already planning to go dancing....alone!

Return of the Ring

2006-03-03T04:25:00.000-07:00

I got a phone call from Frank on Wednesday. He had what he thought was some news he wanted to share with me. He called to tell me that he was planning to take out a life insurance policy for himself with Guy as the beneficiary! I was thoroughly surprised and annoyed. I asked him what he will do in the future, when he has a different wife and kids that he will be responsible for. How would they feel about knowing that he has an insurance policy that was going towards some one else's child? He paused, then said that he is not worried about that. That means, he did not consider that when he made the decision.
I told him it would make me feel uncomfortable. He started to insist that is was his gift to Guy, because he made a promise to him and he doesn't want to break his committment. I told him, he is three years old, he doesn't understand what he commited to. Besides that, it was ME who broke the commitment, he does not need to feel responsible for Guy any more. He didn't back down, but he mentioned that if he finds out that I spent the money he will come back from his grave and kick my butt. I was appalled. Then he went on to say that he thinks that I am a bit of a Gold Digger!
Yeah, that makes sense. I mean after all, I was about to marry him for his.....bike?
He mentioned the ring again and how he felt like I should have volunteered to give it back to him. I was going by the standard that the bride is allowed to keep the ring, as a gift. Besides I do love the ring, but it is not worth him continually asking me for it.
I was pretty disturbed by the time I got off the phone with him. I made up my mind to return the ring to him the next day and call it quits, for good, once and for all, finis, nada, done!

I went to the temple the next morning after I dropped Guy off at Preschool. From there, I returned home to get the ring and put it back in the box it was mailed in. I called Frank to find out where he was working because I was coming up to see him.
He was all excited to see me and he must have thought I had Guy with me too. When I get there, he is grinning and staring and hands me a boquet of flowers. He wants me to take a look at him and notice how he has changed and lost a little weight. I honestly didn't notice anything different. I just wanted to give him the stupid ring and tell him I don't want to see him again and get out of there.
Instead he wanted me to come up to the condo that he is renovating. I tell him in the elevator the reason why I am there. I told him how I didn't appreciate some of the hurtful things that he had said to me lately. He blames it on the Zoloft that he went on a couple days after we broke up. He broke down in tears as we talked in the bathroom. He filled my hands with a gift for Guy and a bag of chocolate chip cookies for me.
He dried his tears and told me that the owner of the condo wants some red velvet curtains made for the windows. He asked if I was interested. I told him I would and he promised that I would be paid well for them. I was glad to have some work, knowing that I am basically unemployed.
He walked me down to my car and wanted to show off his new truck to me. I took a look and he begged me to go for a ride with him. I resisted, and he persisted, like always. He kept me away for another 40 minutes while he parked and begged me to at least "take another look at Frankenstein", later. I told him, I couldn't promise him anything, but he acted as if he would just lay down and die if I took his hope away from him. He says he still prays about us and weather or not he should marry me and he says his answer is always the same, yes.
I figured I didn't have anything to loose, because he said it was ok if we don't end up getting married, just as long as I "took another look". I shrugged and said "ok".
We finally got back to my car and he acted like we could be just friends now and he wanted to know what I had been up to. I had been sheltering him from any hint of where I had gone the weekend before, but he was asking for it, so I let the secret creep out.
I wrapped it up with him and left SL....or had I wrapped it up?
As I am getting on the freeway, I hear him calling me. I let him talk to my voice mail. He wanted to talk to me about the curtains. *Sigh* ...why did I agree to that?

my thoughts...

2006-03-01T12:52:00.000-07:00

I have a lot on my mind and I am just trying to sort through it all. I need to concentrate on getting through this practice for my job, but I get distracted by what is going on in my life. I need some direction so I can set it all aside and focus in the now.

I think this transcription will go well if I can acually get started. I am trying to find a routine and schedule that works for Guy and I. I look forward to being able to take an occasional day off and having more money so I can enjoy life more fully.

I feel like I need to go to the temple, today if I can. I feel like I need and deserve some answers.
X has been sending me pictures of homes for rent and asking me my thoughts on them. He says he wants to provide a place for Guy and I to live. He also has high hopes of getting back together with me and living in the home with us. I asked him what he would do if we don't get back together, and he didn't seem too concerned. He seems pretty confident that we will. I am pretty confident, otherwise.

Looking at homes makes my heart pitter patter, though. I long to have a little home of my own to decorate and put all my stuff away in, to clean and to invite friends over to visit, not that I have any friends to come visit me, but one can dream. Like everything else, I cannot count on it, so I do better not to think about it. I don't want to be living in a bird cage, with my ex as my owner.
I was going to allow him to watch Guy for me on a regular basis, on the three days in a row that he has off, and allow Guy to stay there with him, but after mentioning it to my parents, and realizing their disapproval, it may cause more contention that I am up for.

I will be attending the YA ward in my stake next Sunday. I think I have my hopes pretty high for that. It will take quite a while to get to know the people in the ward. I was just barely getting to know some people in the YA ward in Cali after attending for a year.

I would also really like to go to more dance exchanges and workshops. I had such a great time in SF. There is an exchange in Sacramento at the end of the month, I am hoping I can get away, but I think it may be a bit too soon after starting a new job. I doubt I will be paid by then and my paychecks from American Crafts rarely last longer than a week. I must promise myself never to to go so long without dancing again, for my own sanity. I hope I can fit some tap class into my schedule, once I can afford it. There is so much that I want to do, and I just feel like my obligations and limited income prevent me from doing it all. I'm sure every one feels that way at times, I just hope that things change for me soon.

The Gift/Curse of Love

2006-02-28T16:40:00.000-07:00

Why does love feel like a curse? I seem to notice a trend that when I come in contact with a man, espcially when we touch, they are able to sense an energy of love from me. I find that they want to love me back and return some of the love I have given them. They want to care for me and please me and see me smile. This makes me happy and I want to allow them to care for me, but I have to refrain. The more I give them the more they want and at some point I have to say no, as much as I would like to truly love and be loved. For one reason or another I know in my heart they are not the one for me. I am not allowed to just hand over the whole pie to them, instead I just cut out little slices and give them away. It hurts to have to deny them more and to deny myself their love. They also leave frustrated because they long to love me and be loved by me, too.

I hope that one day soon I will be able to hand over my whole heart to the right man. I do not enjoy breaking hearts. Perhaps I should lock myself away in a tower until my Prince comes along.

Tangled up in Blues

2006-02-28T15:18:00.000-07:00

FRIDAY FEBRUARY 24th

Paul was there to greet us at the airport. My heart fluttered when I saw him. Like a gentleman, he helped carry some of the things in my arms. He introduced himself to Guy. While we were waiting to pick up our luggage, Guy and Paul walked over to look at the roosters and chickens and the dog that had come off another plane.
I was feeling at ease finally, but I still had a dredded phone call to make to my parents to tell them that Guy and I wouldn't be coming home tonight.
We stopped in at the hotel via shuttel and met Liia. We all had a long ride ahead of us. We had to go down to San Jose to change out the rental car, then head up to Sacramento to drop off Guy.
When we got near Sacramento I called my friend to confirm that she could watch Guy for me. She wasn't home from work yet and wouldn't be until 8. I panicked a little, but worked it out that her parents were willing to watch him for me. We met up with them at a restaurant where they were having dinner. The father took Guy out to his truck to meet their dog. Guy made an instant friend. He hardly noticed that I was leaving. That was a relief to see that he was having a good time.
We stopped at I Love Teriyaki before we got back on the freeway for SF. I tried to get in touch with my parents, but I couldn't get through to the house line and my mother wasn't answering her cell phone, so I had no choice but to leave a message. They got the message late that night and left a message for me Saturday morning, as my cell phone batterie had died. They had a few questions for me, but they seemed to take it surprisingly well. They even wished me a good time.
We went straight to the dance at Broadway Studios from there. They were just finishing up the last lesson when we got there. Paul and I danced a couple times together then we started asking other people to dance. I did my usuall thing and asked some random people to dance. After a couple bad guesses I started paying attention to the better dancers on the floor to ask later. There were a few tango dancers there and I tried to fake it, but I know it wasn't impressive to step on their toes. Too bad we weren't all wearing name tags that said "Blues Dancer", "Tango Dancer", Tango and Blues Dancer".
I ran into a few people from Sacramento. Sid, who is responsible for peaking my interest and introducing me to Blues dancing, was there. I asked him to dance. It had been a long time and not much blues dancing in between the last time I danced with him, but I could tell I was already catching on more than before.
I also saw Darrek at the dance. He was teaching one or more of the workshops that weekend. I busted out with some tap dancing durring our dance together. He seemed to appreciate it.
I love the improvisations.
I would dance as many songs as I could find a decent or even an indecent partner to dance with. Actually, I reserved the indecency for when I was dancing with Paul.
That dance ended at around 1 am then followed with an after hours blues party in a dance studio near Market street. What an awakening that was to me. I was loving dancing with so many smooth dancers and learning each of their styles and leads.
One kid I asked to dance and he would improv. the whole thing. He pulled a move on me where my feet were off the ground and they made a circle in the air, I must have come down before he led me into the back dip to the floor in front of the croud behind me that oooed and aaaahed. I told him, "I didn't know I could dance like that." (which, it was more him than me.) He said he had never done that before. I was blown away. Later I saw him practicing some classic jazz type moves alone in front of the mirror. It was all making sense now.
At one point I found Paul sitting in a chair in the corner. I came over to see if he was ok. He shared with me that he came to the realization in the middle of the last dance that the two of us could never be together. It brought him to tears, so he decided to sit that dance out. I expressed my sympathy and that I share his sadness. He just needed a moment to work it through.
Later, I was about to dance with the jazz dancer again when Paul asked to cut in. He made some comment about paying him a dollar for me. I pretended to be insulted that I was only worth a dollar to him and started to walk off with the jazz dancer instead. Then Paul stepped in and they had a competition over me. We danced in a threesome for a bit, then the two of them went off together, only to race back to me. Paul and I finished the dance together. The dancing went on until after 4 am before they had to end.
At one point, we thought that Liia might stay some where else that night because she was felling a bit like a third wheel after the days events and having been drug around all afternoon running our errands. I guess she got over it because she came back to the room with us, which I am thankful for because that would have left Paul and I alone in the room together. That would have been bad, very, very bad.

SATURDAY

I woke up at around noon on Saturday and found that I had four new voice mail messages. One from each of my parents, one from the Primary leader and one from X. X decided to tell me taht he had been pondering a few things and made the decision to go back to church and also that he would like to get back together with me! I could not deal with it at the time. I left him a message saying that I would call him when I get back in town. What next?
The three of us got ready and had breakfast at a little diner we came across.
We knew we wanted to go to China town next. Liia called up one of the local blues dancers to get some direction on where a good place to park would be. He met up with us near High street and gave us a walking tour of his neighborhood. We stopped at the Art Institute, and he pointed out some homes and views of interest for us. On our way to China Town, through Little Italy, we discovered that there was a Blues band setting up to play shortly at The Saloon. We decided to stop in again on our way back from China Town.
Liia and Brent stood in line at a pastery shop for 20 minutes to get a hot, fresh custard and Paul and I browsed a few of the shops where he got some pajamas for his daughter and I found a new blouse for myself and a set of action figures for Guy.
I figured I may need a bribe to get my son to come home with me after hearing that my friend's parents didn't want to give him up to my other friend who agreed to watch him on Saturday. They were all just having too good of a time together. It was a relief to know that he was doing so well.
We went into The Saloon to get a taste of some local Musical talent. Ron Hacker, I think was the name of the singer. When we came in he was reminiscing of the days when he played with the greats, like BB King and several others he named. They played some real dancable tunes that I danced with Paul to first. Then we switched partners and I danced with Brent. Paul and I danced to one last, extreemely long and some what fast song. That was some great music and dancing! What a random treat it was to stumble upon that while we were there for a blues workshop and with four blues dancers.
Our stomaches were telling us it was time to eat again so we went for some pizza by the slice near where we parked. It was some of the best pizza I have had in a long time, though I could barely eat half of the slice. Brent, the Lawyer/ballet dancer/rollerblader/blues&Lindy Dancer had plans to see a ballet with a professional dancer friend of his, so he had to cut out.
The three of us took a detour by the beach so Liia could stick her toes in the water.
We went back to the hotel before we started over to Berkeley for the after-workshop dance. After a short while they began a blues competition. They started with about 15 couples, then narrowed it down to about 8, with open dancing in between.
I made my rounds on the dance floor, especially to dance with any one that was not at either of the other two venues, plus some of the people I enjoyed dancing with that I recognized from Friday. I was wanting to dance with one of the other instructors who Liia mentioned that she liked dancing with. When I asked him to dance, he said,"What, are they letting 17 year olds in here now?" Ha, I said. "You are off by about ten years. I am only 7."
"Wait, how old are you?" he asked.
"No, I'm kidding, I'm 28."
He was a good dancer, but he let me do all the work. Mostly he would just hold me out away from him with both hands while I got all funky to the music. He was smiling, so I guess he was enjoying it. When it was over he said,"Very nice, and even old enough to dance."
"Pcha!" I don't look that young. Who does he think he is? I thought I was past that.
They had the finalists for the competition come back and dance a few more songs. There was some amazing dancing going on. They were all so very animated and they infused so many different styles and moves. They really played with the music, too.
I was wishing that I had a regular partner that I could feel comfortable with to try new stunts and dance with so expressively with. I feel like Paul and I have a good connection and I defenantly feel comfortable with him, but I also feel like I am still learning about Blues dancing, that he might feel limited in what we could do together. Not that I couldn't improve or have that with some one in time, but I was just dreaming.
I ran out of people I wanted to dance with, so I took a break on the bench. I got comfortable there enough that I fell asleep for the last half hour of the dance. I think I danced one last dance with Paul before they kicked us out at 4 am.

SUNDAY

Paul and I had to leave by 10 am to drive over to Sacramento to pick up Guy. We had some good chats about raising kids, life after death, his visits with his granparents before they died, and why the two of us met.
When we got to my friend's parents' house, I found Guy lounging in the recliner in Richard's arms. He didn't even move when he saw me come in. They looked like old buddies lying there together. I had to convince him that we needed to go. He claimed that he didn't want to go on the plane ride, either. So, I told him I had a surprise for him in the car. He was pretty much extatic about the super heros. I think it broke Richard's heart to see him go, though.
My friend drove over to see us, but we couldn't stay long because we had to get back to catch our flight.
I was pretty quiet on the way back, just trying to put the pieces together from the last few months of conflicting answers and the wave of emotions.
Paul walked us through the airport and escorted us up to the Crown Room away from the hustle and bustle of the terminals. He has a way of making me feel so special. It might seem like a small guesture, but he is always so respectfull and considerate. He made it a wonderful weekend for me. I didn't know how to thank him for all that he had done for me. What he wanted, I couldn't give him, and he was even a good sport about that. I knew my time with him was short, so I just wanted to take him in for our time left. He had to leave to catch his flight from San Jose. We were allowed to continue waiting in the Crown room until boarding time drew closer.
Guy slept on the plane the whole way back. I even got a few winks, myself.

The Great Escape

2006-02-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

I asked my parents if I could bribe them to watch Guy for me while I went away for the weekend with some guy from out of town that I have been out with only a couple times and they have not met or even seen a picture of and who is not a member and is going to pay for my flight so we can go dancing all night long in another state.

For some reason they didn't go for it. Paul had already bought my plane ticket. I was upset at first, and then I started thinking of ways I could sneak away. I could just leave Guy with them without them knowing and call them later and they would have to watch him. Then I had a better idea to have some one else watch him for me. I thought I would call on X to watch him since he owes me a life time of favors anyway. He had offerred before to watch him, but I wasn't comfortable with that yet, so now was a good opportunity.

I made arangements to meet with him at his place to talk over the possibility. I wanted to see where he lived and find out if Guy would be comfortable there. It was strange to be in his place and see things that I recognized. I felt easy, yet I remained concervative. Some of the emotions came flooding back to me. Mostly pleasant ones though.

He was willing to watch Guy for me for the weekend, but he just took on a new job that started a few days before I would be leaving. He suggested that maybe his girlfriend might be willing to watch him on the nights that he had to work. He would get back to me after he talked to her about it.

When it was time to go, Guy didn't want to leave. He was having a good time checking out all his funky knick knacks.

It turned out that he and his girlfriend broke up that same night. He found out that she had been planning on cheating on him if not already. She also accused him of still being in love with me. I asked him if there was any validity in that. He admitted that there was. Although he had not persued it, he realized that he was still in love with me and he longs for the good memories that we once had.

So, now here we are, both single and available again with no boyfriends or girlfriends to get jealous each time we met up. Not that there was anything to be jealous of. We had a good chat on the phone, but now I needed to find another sitter for Guy for the weekend. I could think of some friends in Cali that would watch him for me, but I didn't feel comfortable handing him over to any one I knew in Utah. So what does Paul do? He books a flight for Guy too! We figured we could drive to Sacramento to drop Guy off and head back to SF, then pick him up before we leave again.

I got busy and started calling around to my friends in Sacramento. I struck out a few times and I was getting kind of discouraged. I finally had it arranged where one friend would keep him Friday night through Saturday afternoon, and another friend would keep him Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon.

So, things were working out, allowing me to go. I had the primary Sharing time presentation all prepared for some one else to pick up and present for me (which I stayed up late finishing Thursday night. I didn't have a sub, but I brought the ward and primary list with me to make some calls.) I had the suitcases all packed and in the trunk, I had the day off of work, two plane tickets, my drivers licence (I made sure it was in my wallet as I was packing the night before), some friends in Sacramento to watch Guy for me, and one handsome, generous man to show me a good time in SF, oh yeah and a chaperone, too.

How did grandma and grandpa feel about all this? Well, they didn't know until Friday night when they got my voice mail telling them that we are in Sacramento and that we won't be coming home for a couple days. I was afraid to tell them I was still planning to go, for fear that they might take drastic measures to stop me, like take away my car keys or anything else they could think to do. So, I kept it a secret until we were already there.

I had a little bit of a break down in the airport parking lot when I made a double check on my license and I couldn't find it in my wallet. I panicked and started searching around when I looked again and found that I just put it in a different slot that I normally keep it. Phew!

My adrenaline had been rushing all that night and into the morning. I felt like I was back in High School again and sneaking out and feeling a little suspicious and paranoid. I could finally relax a little once we got on the plane.

I got some earphones so we could listen to some music. Blondie was playing and Guy and I shared the head set so we could rock out. Then I let Guy listen and I looked over later and he was playing air guitar, nodding his head and making the "Magnum" look on his face.